By Zephyria 
“You don’t have to go.”
With his head lowered, In-ho brushed off Haon’s hand. A faint edge sharpened the gaze he cast away.
Haon forgot to react to an expression he had never seen before. He simply stared at In-ho for a moment, his face frozen in a blank daze.
A cold silence lingered between Haon and In-ho. It felt as if a chilly draft was swirling only around the two of them. It was an atmosphere that had never once existed during the time they had lived together.
In-ho slowly rubbed his sharpened eyes. His frayed nerves remained concentrated on the hand of Haon he had just pushed away.
“I’m sorry.”
In-ho, who had risen from the bathroom floor first, reached out to Haon. His voice was stiff as he told him to return to the bed. He tried to sound as kind as possible, but his body would not follow his will.
“It’s late, so let’s just sleep for now.”
“…….”
“Haon, it’s time for you to sleep.”
In-ho continued speaking without looking Haon in the face. Haon pressed his lips tight and gripped In-ho’s hand instead of answering.
Let’s go to the hospital right now. That was what Haon’s eyes were saying.
Taking a small breath, In-ho stepped over the bathroom threshold first. With his back to Haon, he walked ahead toward the bed. Though they were holding hands, Haon felt as if he were walking far apart from him.
Biting his lip, Haon gripped In-ho’s hand a bit tighter. In normal times, In-ho would have matched his grip, but now his hand showed no reaction.
At this, Haon forced his fingers open to interlace them. He even stopped walking to prevent them from reaching the bed.
In-ho did not drag Haon along by force; he stopped walking as well. Looking at his heavily heaving shoulders, it seemed he was swallowing a sigh.
“It would be better if we slept separately today.”
As In-ho turned around, the fatigue on his face was unmistakable. He carefully cupped one of Haon’s cheeks, speaking as if soothing a child.
“You sleep here, Haon. I’ll go downstairs.”
“I don’t want to….”
Haon shook his head firmly. In-ho’s palm against his cheek was hot. The fever was steadily rising.
“Haon, let’s talk tomorrow.”
Haon could feel In-ho trying his best to speak softly, but he continued to shake his head. Though he trembled in fear at In-ho’s unusual behavior, he did not bend his opinion.
He felt certain that In-ho could not be left alone right now. He looked like he needed treatment. Cold sweat had even beaded on his pale forehead and nape. It wouldn’t have been strange if he collapsed this very second.
No matter how foolish I am, I can at least recognize that. Haon swallowed the thought and chewed on his lip.
He hesitantly reached out both arms to embrace him, but In-ho did not hug him back.
“Sleep a bit more, and we’ll see each other again in the morning.”
“I don’t want to. Stay… stay with me.”
“Haon.”
Stepping backward to create distance, In-ho murmured as if pleading.
“I’m struggling right now.”
The corners of his thin lips, which had been forcing a smile, began to twitch minutely.
“Just let me win today.”
The exhausted voice trailed off shortly. It seemed he didn’t even have the energy left to speak for long.
The more Haon encountered this unfamiliar side of In-ho, the more his heart wavered. However, Haon clenched his fists and refused to back down. He couldn’t do that today.
“If it were me… if I were in your place,”
His voice sounded as if it were squeezing through a tiny needle’s eye. Haon’s face flushed red as he spoke each word with effort. It was because he was tensing his body to hold back tears.
“You would have taken me to the hospital immediately.”
If he had bled while sleeping, In-ho would have carried him on his back and left the house instantly. He wouldn’t have allowed time for such a struggle.
“You told me to go to the hospital when I was sick.”
“I’m not sick right now.”
That was nonsense. Haon’s voice rose slightly as he gasped.
“A person who isn’t sick… bleeds, bleeds that much?”
In-ho’s brow furrowed. It seemed he either had no retort or was simply irritated by the situation. He could no longer hide his expression. He didn’t have the luxury to.
The moment Haon saw In-ho’s sharply distorted expression, his heart sank. Nevertheless, Haon did not avoid him and tried to persuade In-ho as calmly as possible.
“Just go get a check-up. It could get worse.”
“I’m fine, Haon. I’m fine.”
Turning his back, In-ho rubbed his forehead hard. Even his ragged breathing sounded foreign. In-ho now seemed beyond irritation; he seemed angry. Haon’s heart broke once more.
“I’ll be fine once I wake up. So let’s see each other tomorrow.”
He spat out the words quickly in an agitated voice. He tried to leave the bedroom just like that, but he was caught by Haon once again. Finally, his patience reached its limit.
“Haon, please!”
In-ho let out a shout and slammed his fist against the wall. He had barely managed to restrain himself from pushing Haon away.
He slammed his fist into the wall repeatedly. Red bloodstains spread across the indented wallpaper. Blood from his torn knuckles splattered in the air.
“In-ho!”
Haon clung to his waist and burst into tears. He was so shocked that he couldn’t even tell him to stop.
“Haon….”
At the sound of Haon’s finally erupting sobs, In-ho’s heart also collapsed.
“Please, just… let me go…. I feel like I’m going to make a mistake right now.”
He begged Haon to listen to him.
Even while crying, Haon did not loosen his grip on In-ho. However, it was far too little strength to actually hold him back.
As In-ho took a step toward the door, the arms wrapped around his waist slid off helplessly. Haon collapsed right there. Whether it was because the strength left his legs or not, the sound of his body hitting the floor echoed loudly.
“In-ho….”
The sound of him sobbing and gasping for breath bound In-ho’s feet.
“Don’t… don’t go….”
Even in his blurred state of reason, In-ho could not bring himself to leave the crying Haon alone. Yet, his own body was too unstable to return to him.
He wondered if he was finally being punished for ignoring the doctor’s warning. Wiping away the nosebleed that had started again, In-ho laughed silently. The cold sweat on his eyes flowed down his cheeks like tears.
He didn’t care much about the physical reactions. He had recovered perfectly even when he had lost far more blood than this. The problem was the emotions.
In-ho was terrified of his own uncontrollable emotions. His usual aversion to hospitals had even been magnified.
He’s just saying let’s go for a check-up. He’s not trying to lock me up.
‘Do whatever you want.’
Along with a ringing in his ears, a terrible auditory hallucination was about to begin again. Old memories that refused to vanish crawled up, attempting to gnaw through every single cell of his brain.
Retching, In-ho sank to the floor. Sour gastric acid rose into his throat. It was agonizing. Even breathing felt nauseating.
‘Then just die comfortably.’
In-ho’s unfocused eyes turned toward the window as if possessed.
‘Why are you struggling so hard to live? It’s exhausting for both of us.’
The image of Jang Eun-young holding a newborn baby preciously in her arms came to mind. It was a memory etched with ridiculous vividness.
Just how much time must pass before he could escape the past?
Feeling his windpipe tighten, In-ho curled his body and scratched his neck with his nails. He couldn’t stand how hot his body felt. The enclosed space felt suffocating, so he crawled toward the window and pounded on the glass as if he were about to break it.
Unlike when he was a child, the window did not break easily. He felt as if he would suffocate to death if he stayed like this.
“In-ho!!”
A familiar voice cut through the piercing tinnitus.
He wondered why it was so noisy, and then he realized someone was screaming. While hugging him.
“Stop it! I said stop it!”
The one who let out the piercing scream wailed loudly. He said something incomprehensible, telling him to rather hit him. The face brimming with tears was flushed bright red. His complexion was so red it looked as if it would burst if poked. It seemed to be because he was crying.
Why was he crying? In-ho, whose thoughts were paralyzed by strong medication, blinked.
It didn’t seem to be someone from the hospital. There was no reason for those people to cry like this.
“Let go, this….”
In-ho murmured, trapped within his rotten memories.
The more he tried to shake him off, the more strongly the thin arms clung to his body. They were arms that felt as if they would break if gripped too hard. He felt as if he could overpower him and throw him far away with one hand if he wanted to.
“I said let go.”
But In-ho couldn’t do it. He couldn’t bring himself to push away the thin man embracing him.
“In-ho… I, I was wrong.”
“…….”
“I won’t tell you to go to the hospital…. You don’t have to go.”
Even as the strange man leaned his face against his neck, smearing it with tears and mucus, In-ho did not push him away. Just because, for some reason, he felt this person would help him.
“I want to go home.”
Leaning one side of his face against the crying man’s cheek, In-ho whispered. As if sharing a secret that must never be discovered, he hugged the man’s shoulder and mumbled softly.
“Please, let me go home.”
“…….”
“Please. I’m not sick.”
I’m fine. Please help me. In-ho repeated the same words for a long time.
His body, burning with fever, was drenched as if he had been caught in a downpour. Haon stroked his curved back and answered every one of the continuous words.
“Don’t worry. In-ho, I’ll help you. I’m here.”
Soon, as In-ho lost consciousness and went limp, the sound of Haon’s sobbing, as he wrapped both arms around him, grew even more intense.
Clutching In-ho, Haon wailed like a man who had lost the entire world. Exactly as he had appeared in Seong-gu’s dream.