By Zephyria 
This wasn’t a conviction.
It was merely a question that suddenly popped into my head. So, I was just as confused.
I hadn’t thought about it before, so I hadn’t delved deeply, but when I considered it one by one, there were more than one or two strange things.
When Khalifa, who married my mother at sixteen, became Emperor, why wasn’t my mother the Empress? Even if he simply had someone else he loved before that, it was strange.
Then why didn’t he cast my mother aside? Did they develop affection for each other in the meantime? So, did he keep my mother by his side as a concubine? If so, there would have been no reason to erase all records when Mahir’s biological mother, the Empress, died. Someone he loved so much.
If I couldn’t even know her name, let alone a portrait, it was as good as her existence being erased, not just the records of her actions.
No matter how great a crime she committed, it didn’t make sense for an Empress, a member of the Imperial Family, to receive such a punishment. Even if it were possible, Actan had a system of guilt by association. She committed such a great crime, yet her son Mahir became the Crown Prince?
This was not possible in Actan, either emotionally or logically. The same was true considering Khalifa’s nature. To pass the throne to a son born from an Empress whose existence he erased?
That’s why I had no choice but to make this assumption.
All of this was plausible enough if I assumed that Mahir was not Khalifa’s biological son. So, if he adopted Mahir with the intention of passing on the throne from the beginning…
‘Why did you do that to me, brother?’
‘I was clearly holding back well…’
It was still a meaningless statement, but as thoughts chased after thoughts, I naturally reached a conclusion.
“…”
Surely, he wasn’t the son of the late Emperor…
I had no real basis, it was just a hunch. But generally, when I had this chilling feeling, it was mostly right.
But if I thought about this a little more, it didn’t make sense either. Why would he pass the throne to the son of the brother he killed with his own hands? Then why did he kill him in the first place? It could be because of guilt, but that was too much of a leap.
Surely not? My imagination seemed to be running wild.
As I was thinking that far, I suddenly realized that Khalifa was too quiet. He didn’t seem to be drunk on medicine or alcohol, but he seemed to be dozing off after rambling on.
“…”
Looking at Khalifa nodding off while sitting, I couldn’t help but feel dumbfounded. It was absurd, but it was better for him to sleep. He wouldn’t suddenly kill someone while sleeping.
I didn’t get up from my seat and quietly watched Khalifa, holding my breath. I wanted to leave right away, but it would be troublesome if he woke up.
“Kyle.”
I was even breathing carefully, but Khalifa called my name. I was so surprised that I almost made a sound. Wasn’t he sleeping?
“Yes, Your Majesty.”
“Do you remember?”
“…”
Remember what…
I was afraid to ask. I was afraid of what would come out of his mouth now.
“When you stood before the throne covered in blood.”
I seemed to know when without having to ask. Because he had talked about this earlier.
“I remember.”
“Yes, you can’t forget. You annihilated a Duke’s family in one night. You turned the thirteen Dukes in Actan into twelve, didn’t you?”
Wasn’t it too late to bring it up now? It didn’t seem like he was trying to blame me, but I bowed my head for now.
“I’m sorry.”
“Do you know why I didn’t hold you accountable?”
Was the answer I gave earlier not the right one? Or was he simply asking the same question again because he didn’t remember what he had said a little while ago? I didn’t know the reason, but I answered as if this Q&A was the first time.
“I don’t know.”
“It was because you looked like me.”
“…”
“You said you killed everyone because they didn’t listen, and it was like seeing myself as a child.”
At that, I couldn’t hide the rising disgust. Because I had similar thoughts when I was young. So, this was close to self-loathing.
“You need to learn how to control your emotions.”
‘How can I not know that my life is precious just because I live like a lowly and weak bug?’
“How old are you, and your emotions are still all over your face? Tsk, tsk.”
‘If the Crown Princess is harmed in Talim…’
Memories I was trying to forget sporadically surfaced and subsided. Khalifa’s voice, the voice in my memory, hallucinations, and the laughter of a child were mixed together, undulating like waves.
At this rate, I felt like I was going crazy, so I scratched the back of my hand strongly under the table. As I felt the pain, my ears, which had been muffled as if submerged in water, immediately cleared.
“Come to think of it, you’ve been restraining yourself since some time ago. Mahir must have told you not to do that.”
I was in a state where something would happen if I didn’t concentrate. I stared only at Khalifa’s moving mouth.
“Kyle, you mustn’t do that.”
“…”
“His Majesty will not forgive you.”
“…”
“Just bear with it a little. I will punish you if you act spoiled. Don’t go through the window, go through the door. Don’t eat snacks before meals. Don’t climb trees, you’ll get hurt. Don’t go to the training arena late at night. Take your medicine on time without fail. Always pay attention to your clothes. Don’t run in the hallway…”
The beginning was what Mahir had said to me, but as it went on, it became more and more strange. Was that what the late Emperor had said to Khalifa?
“It’s time for you to get married too.”
“…”
“This is an Imperial Order.”
Was Khalifa in his right mind now?
Whether he was in his right mind or not, his eyes were already gleaming with madness. Reflexively, I thought about how many people were in Talim. There were quite a few, so I barely regained my senses and answered docilely.
“I will obey Your Majesty’s order.”
¸.•¨•¸.•¨•¸.•¨•¸
As soon as I escorted Khalifa out and returned to my room, Aska snatched my wrist. Since he had good hearing, he might have heard the conversation a little while ago.
I thought he was angry that I had obediently agreed to marry someone else again. But contrary to expectations, Aska put his lips on the back of my hand without saying anything.
“…”
Come to think of it, it was the place where I had scratched with my fingernails a little while ago. As his tongue touched the torn and scabbed area, I felt a stinging pain.
Was that why? My mind, which had been floating in the air without a sense of reality all along, was slowly returning to its place.
Aska, who had been licking the back of my hand, raised his head to look at me and sighed. Then, he put his finger in my mouth and rubbed the inside of my cheek that I had bitten a little while ago.
It hurt, but it was better to feel pain in this situation, so I just stayed still.
“Why is he being like that?”
Aska muttered to himself, looking at me with a blank expression.
“He seemed out of his mind.”
“…”
“And he was talking strangely.”
He was out of his mind. Still, he had personally visited Talim, and no one died, so it was fortunate.
“Are you okay?”
Aska asked, pulling out his finger after rubbing the inside of my mouth for a while. I licked the inside of my cheek and poked it, then nodded.
“I’m okay. Did you hear everything he said earlier?”
“Is it something I shouldn’t have heard?”
“There’s nothing like that.”
“I was going to stay in my room, but suddenly I smelled blood, so I went.”
Was it because I didn’t feel any more pain? I felt like I was sinking back into the water. My ears were muffled, my mind was hazy, and my vision was shaking, so I blurted out whatever came to mind.
“It seems like Khalifa is overlapping me with himself.”
“You? Why?”
“I don’t know. Come to think of it, it seems like it’s been quite a while… Maybe it was like that from the beginning.”
He was generally a crazy person, but occasionally, very rarely, he was lenient with me. He was like that when I annihilated the Duke’s family, and the same was true today.
I just thought that Khalifa was capricious, but now I saw that it wasn’t.
In other words, it could be said that it was a state where self-pity and self-loathing alternated.
“…”
At the age of sixteen, Khalifa married a Calderia woman by order of the late Emperor, and he made me do the same thing at the same age. Then today?
At the age of nineteen, Khalifa killed the late Emperor and became Emperor himself.
‘Why did you do that to me, brother?’
‘It’s time for you to get married too.’
‘Do you know how happy Mahir was when you were born?’
‘It’s not like that, it’s just that His Highness is also having a hard time…’
I hurriedly shook my head to shake off the rising memories. I was clearly thinking about what Khalifa had said a little while ago, but other things kept mixing in between my thoughts.
Was it because Khalifa brought up old things? Memories that had been buried well were being torn apart and dug up, pouring into my head.
“Kyle.”
Then Aska called me. It felt like I had barely taken a breath just before suffocating. Feeling both relief and joy, I reached out and grabbed Aska’s forearm.
“Do you want to drink blood?”
Aska, who was looking at me with worried eyes, as if he was concerned about my condition, frowned.
“Suddenly?”
“It’s been quite a while since you drank blood. It’s true that your ability is that you don’t feel pain even if you bleed, right?”
“You said you don’t like pain.”
“That’s true, but I’m okay now, so you can bite me.”
I cleared my collar and offered my neck, but then I realized. I couldn’t choose my words because I was out of my mind. I cleared my throat and rephrased it in a more refined way.
“You don’t have to use your ability. Do it like you did when you were young.”
I recalled the time when I didn’t know anything and just chewed and bit recklessly to drink blood, eventually drawing blood.