By Zephyria 
The lively instrumental accompaniment continued. Through it, the sounds of arcade machines and people’s voices drifted in.
However, neither of the two could hear any of that noise. The only sounds reaching them were wet breaths—so close they couldn’t tell if they were their own or the other’s—and small, low moans that scattered meaninglessly into the air. Because their vision was blocked by the jacket, it felt as though the sounds of one another were amplified.
To Jae-min, the sudden press of lips felt less like a kiss and more like a surprise attack or a new prank. It didn’t feel any different from the time he’d been hit in the face with a soccer ball or when Seung-pyo had threatened him with a finger flick.
You crazy bastard, he tried to shout and push him away, but Seung-pyo didn’t stop at pressing their lips together; he pushed his tongue into Jae-min’s mouth. From that point on, Jae-min’s hands began to flail helplessly.
“Mmph, ngh.”
No matter what he tried to say, his mouth was blocked, so no proper sound came out. This was absurd. To have another person’s tongue in his mouth. And Oh Seung-pyo’s tongue, of all people.
Normally, the natural response in this situation would be to throw a punch, but for some reason, Jae-min couldn’t do it, helplessly surrendering his lips. He couldn’t immediately shake off the lips that were pressed so tightly they almost crushed his own, nor the tongue moving roughly inside. Jae-min’s lost hand brushed against Seung-pyo’s thigh. Startled, he curled his fingers, and his fingertips scraped against a firm leg.
Jae-min liked books and often read miscellaneous posts on the internet. Even without books or the internet, it was impossible not to know what a kiss was. No matter how much he grew up in a household where topics with sexual nuances were taboo, as long as one didn’t live completely isolated from the world, there were things everywhere that parental control couldn’t block.
Still, he had never… actually wanted to do it.
“Haa.”
“Ngh, hng…”
As the tip of Seung-pyo’s tongue swept the inside of his gums, Jae-min’s shoulders flinched involuntarily. Strange sounds kept escaping him. They were similar to the sounds that occasionally leaked out when he masturbated alone, but smaller and blurrier, yet feeling far more feverish.
Whenever an unfamiliar voice escaped Jae-min’s mouth, Seung-pyo also groaned in distress. When Oh Seung-pyo made sounds like a damn dog, for some reason, Jae-min felt an itch throughout his body, making him want to squirm. However, it was difficult to move freely while stuck together with their heads shoved under a single jacket in such a cramped space.
As time passed, it became harder to breathe. Seung-pyo seemed to be the same, as his panting grew louder.
“Ah, stop it…”
Unable to take it anymore, Jae-min pushed against Seung-pyo’s chest. Surprisingly, Seung-pyo was pushed back without resistance.
Seung-pyo emerged from the jacket first, followed by Jae-min, who let out a long sigh and violently threw off the jacket he had been wearing over his head for so long.
Both of their faces were flushed bright red. Both of them had messy, disheveled hair and crumpled shirt collars. To a stranger, they looked as though they had just played a full game of basketball, both of them panting heavily. The anime theme instrumental had finally stopped.
The jacket flew like lightning back toward Seung-pyo’s chest. Jae-min stood up, glaring at Seung-pyo without hiding his contempt.
He had intended to yell, Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? but seeing Oh Seung-pyo’s dazed expression—as if he were the one who had been victimized—made him not even want to say that. Jae-min snatched up his bag and bolted out of the karaoke booth.
Passing by the noise, the music, and the voices of people like a gust of wind, he walked quickly out of the game center, only to find Oh Seung-pyo right beside him. He grumbled.
“You’re just gonna leave?”
“Don’t talk to me, you crazy bastard.”
As the loud, raucous noise of the game center faded and the sounds of pedestrians on the sidewalk, street stalls, and cars driving slowly down the road returned, he felt the reality of being back in his daily life.
‘I’m seriously going crazy.’
Jae-min clutched his head, feeling dizzy. He had only planned a thirty-minute deviation, so what on earth was this situation?
He had no particular interest in things like dating, and whenever other kids talked about girls they were interested in, he always stayed in the background, acting indifferent. But Jae-min, of course, never doubted that he would eventually have someone to date. Of course, later. Not now, but after he went to college. He believed that when the time came, someone who made his heart flutter would appear, and he would spend happy days with them.
Therefore, this was absolutely not something like a first kiss. It was nothing more than being bitten by a mad dog—a literal accident.
“You piece of shit!”
The more he tried to convince himself it was just an accident of being bitten by a dog, the angrier he became. Walking in silence, Jae-min suddenly couldn’t contain the surging rage and swung the bag he was holding. Thwack. Caught off guard, Seung-pyo took a hard hit near his temple.
“Ow! Dammit, why’d you hit me!”
Jae-min scoffed, bewildered. Why did he hit him? Did he really not know the reason? The most ridiculous part was that Seung-pyo looked just as baffled as Jae-min. Seung-pyo asked with wide eyes, as if he truly didn’t understand.
“You did that pervert shit to me, so why are you throwing a fit?”
“I told you to stop talking about that.”
“You’re the one getting temperamental. You weren’t exactly a saint either, so why are you only giving me shit?”
“Then you should’ve just jerked off in front of me too. Is what you did the same as what I did?”
“It’s different. What you did was way more perverted.”
Even after being hit in the temple with a bag, Seung-pyo didn’t back down a single word and continued to follow Jae-min closely without any sign of leaving. Jae-min gnashed his teeth.
Did this make any sense? The most infuriating part right now wasn’t the fact that his lips had been stolen by that bastard Oh Seung-pyo, but the fact that after such a shitty experience, he had to go to the academy side-by-side with him. And he had to do it urgently, even checking to make sure he wasn’t late for his appointment with the instructor.
If the instructor happened to contact his home, a truly irrecoverable situation would unfold this time. By the time the academy sign came into view, Jae-min was practically running, and Seung-pyo also hurried his pace in silence. After getting into the elevator, both let out a sigh of relief. Checking the clock, he wasn’t that late.
The speed of the elevator ascending was frustratingly slow. Since it was a famous academy, they must have made a lot of money, yet they had stubbornly clung to an old commercial building for years instead of moving to a new one.
Beside Jae-min, who was staring intently at the digital floor indicator, Seung-pyo hesitated as if he wanted to say something. Jae-min didn’t even want to hear what it was. Jae-min ignored him with all his might, but Seung-pyo opened his mouth anyway, and what he said was once again far beyond expectation.
“Hey, did you hate it?”
“…I’ll actually kill you.”
At the reflexively chilled voice, Seung-pyo frowned slightly and whispered as if he couldn’t understand.
“But you moved your tongue a lot too.”
“Ah, fuck off!”
Jae-min swung his bag again, but this time Seung-pyo raised his arm to block it. At that moment, the elevator doors opened, and Jae-min stepped out first, leaving a trail of cold air behind him.
“I’m here to re-register.”
While Seung-pyo was re-registering at the counter, Jae-min entered the classroom without waiting. He gave a quiet nod to the instructor who had been lenient with him and immediately sat in an empty seat.
Coming into the warm interior after being in the chilly outdoors, he felt a surge of heat and began to sweat. Even though it was March, it was still winter, yet he felt too hot and thirsty.
I should have had some water before coming in. Jae-min swallowed hard, took off his coat, and tried to steady his ragged breathing. His breath wouldn’t settle, making him conscious of his surroundings. He felt as if everyone would realize he had just kissed Oh Seung-pyo outside.
‘You moved your tongue a lot too.’
The words Oh Seung-pyo had said kept coming back to him, making him feel like he could die of embarrassment. Jae-min’s flushed face didn’t easily return to its normal color.
The reason he couldn’t immediately refute it wasn’t because he had almost arrived at the academy… but because those words were true.
Even though he knew what a kiss was, he had never actually wanted to try it. When he used to scroll through social media, he would look at various comments on photos every day; there were guys who said they wanted to spread someone’s asshole or suck their nipples, but no one ever said they wanted to kiss.
Most of the words they left for Jae-min were obscene stories that couldn’t even be uttered without the mask of anonymity. Just as Jae-min had dumped his misplaced pressure and resentment there, they too dumped their misplaced desires onto the faceless Jae-min.
Despite receiving obscenities and ridicule in a variety of repertoires like an all-you-can-eat buffet all year round, Jae-min had never once imagined actually having physical contact with someone. The words they vomited at him were too extreme to imagine as reality, and while there were times he felt inevitably unpleasant—even knowing the words weren’t directed at ‘Ryu Jae-min’—they never once sparked an impulse to actually realize them.
That was definitely the case.
It was a completely unexpected situation with an unexpected partner, but once their lips touched and a tongue dug into his mouth, a strange thought occurred to him involuntarily.
‘Is this really that good?’
Because of that sudden curiosity, that damn curiosity, he couldn’t push Oh Seung-pyo away immediately. He was frozen in surprise for only a moment; while Oh Seung-pyo was stirring inside his mouth, Jae-min had been just as active, licking Seung-pyo’s tongue and busily, clumsily exploring the inside of his mouth.
He really did it simply because he was curious. What was this thing that everyone wanted to do and liked so much?
The first time his lips touched another person’s, a distance completely erased to the point where he wondered if he had ever been this close to someone, and the sound of breathing that felt so loud it was as if only the two of them were left in the world.
At first, he felt a firm tongue moving roughly, but gradually the tension relaxed, and a soft piece of flesh caressed various parts of the inside of his mouth. Whenever it brushed the inside of his gums or somewhere on his tongue, he felt a slight shiver, and an unfamiliar sound that didn’t seem like his own voice leaked out through their blocked mouths.
Because they were covered by the jacket, it was pitch black, and even with his eyes open, he couldn’t see Oh Seung-pyo’s face properly. If he had seen his face, he would have pushed him away immediately, curiosity be damned.
No, he absolutely should have done that from the start…
Because he was regretting the disaster brought about by his excessive curiosity, the lecture—which he had already entered late for—went in even less. Knowing that such a lack of focus would only make Oh Seung-pyo happy, Jae-min tried his best to regain his composure.
I was bitten by a dog, bitten by a dog. No, just think of it as a passing dog suddenly lunging and licking his lips for a moment. That’s too small to even call an accident; it’s something that ends once you wash your mouth.
As soon as he calmed his mind that way, the “passing dog” suddenly appeared through the back door of the classroom. Jae-min’s thoughts, which had barely been settled, began to veer off in a different direction, contrary to his previous resolve.
It’s not something that ends just by washing my mouth. Shouldn’t a dog that suddenly lunges at anyone and licks their lips be disciplined rather than ignored?
‘Come to think of it, since when has that guy been attending this academy? I didn’t see him before the break.’
The thought of having to see Oh Seung-pyo at the academy on top of school was horrifying. Jae-min silently grit his teeth. He might get scolded for saying this right after school started, but once he got home, he would ask his parents if he could quit the academy and just do private tutoring.
In the end, the lecture, which he had entered slightly over 30 minutes late, ended without incident. Thirsty, Jae-min went to the lobby as soon as the class ended and stood in front of the water purifier. While he was pouring water into a paper cup and drinking, the instructor who had just finished class greeted him while heading back to the office.
“Did you have a good birthday party?”
“Huh? Ah… yes. Thanks to you, teacher. Thank you.”
“I didn’t know you and Seung-pyo were close. You two work hard together.”
Jae-min awkwardly curled the corners of his mouth and watched the instructor’s back as he entered the office. As soon as the door closed, Jae-min’s expression, which had briefly softened, froze completely.
To think he had to endure the misunderstanding of being close to that crazy bastard just for a thirty-minute skip. He hated the idea of his boring but peaceful school life becoming chaotic. High school was just a preparatory process for going to college anyway.
Jae-min downed another cup of cold water. The heat in his chest finally subsided.
“Oh Seung, are you continuing at the academy?”
“Yeah, I’m a sophomore now too.”
In the meantime, Oh Seung-pyo was chatting with a few other kids as if nothing had happened. Jae-min watched the scene and then crushed the cup in one go and threw it into the trash can.
The academy class ended around nine p.m., as usual.
The students hurriedly left the classroom. Jae-min was no exception. His pickup driver would already be waiting below. He was so tired. After letting one crowded elevator go, he didn’t want to wait or be squeezed in with people, so Jae-min chose the stairs.
“Hey.”
As he trudged down the stairs, he heard a voice calling him from a few steps above. When he ignored it and kept moving, a hand quickly caught up and grabbed Jae-min’s shoulder. Jae-min clicked his tongue and turned his head.
“What.”
“You said you lost your phone. Then why did it come by delivery? And from your house, no less.”
When Jae-min remained silent, Seung-pyo frowned.
“I was going to ask that first, but I got distracted and forgot.”
“…I don’t have time. Talk tomorrow.”
“And.”
“What now.”
“I just paid you back for what you did to me, so stop throwing a fit.”
At the way he spoke, Jae-min also frowned. How annoying. If he wanted revenge, he should have just jerked off in front of him the same way; to say he was paying him back for what he suffered by taking someone’s first kiss… though it was the same as being bitten by a dog, he took it anyway?
‘They say he’s popular with girls, but just how many times has he kissed to be so nonchalant about it?’
He tried to ignore Oh Seung-pyo and just pass by, but he couldn’t bring himself to move his feet. Jae-min let out a heated sigh and lowered his voice.
“Just how cheap is that son of a bitch to rub his mouth on me for revenge? You kept calling me a whore, but you’re the real whore here.”
“Hey.”
“Stop talking to me and fuck off.”
This time, Jae-min descended the stairs with footsteps that echoed. By the time he opened the building’s main entrance, he was huffing and puffing in anger without realizing it.
Taking a deep breath—he didn’t know how many times it had been today—he tried to calm his heart. The car waiting for Jae-min flashed its lights in the distance. Jae-min ran toward the car.
* * *
Left alone at the bottom of the stairs, Seung-pyo muttered sullenly to the spot where Jae-min had been standing.
“Is he crazy? He’s the one who started it, so why is he angry?”
Was he wrong? Just because it happened before school started didn’t mean it didn’t happen.
It was a definite fact that Ryu Jae-min had exposed his dick in front of people and provoked him first, and Seung-pyo had simply paid him back for the humiliation he felt in an effective way. Since he’d had his lips plundered by another guy, no matter how crazy Ryu Jae-min was, he should understand how he felt then. They’d each dealt a blow, so they were even now.
While grumbling like that, Seung-pyo’s expression became awkward, and eventually, he frowned like someone who had been wronged. He ran his hand through his hair as if tearing it out and muttered a low curse.
Succeeding in the revenge was fine. The problem was that while he should have only screwed over Ryu Jae-min, he had chosen a method that required too much of his own sacrifice.
‘Crazy… my first kiss.’
Had the madness rubbed off on him from hanging out with a psycho? Was screwing over Ryu Jae-min a task valuable enough to sacrifice his precious first kiss for?
Even if he regretted it, a first kiss once gone does not return. In his 18 years of life, he had offered up lips that had not touched anyone since infancy—when family members likely attempted frequent skinship—for a purpose that was utterly futile. And by his own will.
No, you can’t even call this a kiss. It was a hit. If he just considered it as hitting lips with lips…
‘But I put my tongue in too.’
Recalling the core fact made Seung-pyo’s mood even worse.
Seung-pyo slumped his shoulders and let out a long sigh. As he sat on the stairs silently staring ahead, the instructor leaving the darkened academy saw Seung-pyo’s back and asked curiously.
“Seung-pyo, aren’t you leaving?”
“Ah, I’m going.”
Seung-pyo quickly stood up and got into the elevator with the instructor. The instructor smiled as if proud of him and brought up the events of the day.
“I heard you did a great job with Jae-min’s friend’s birthday party today? But this can never happen again, okay? If I get caught letting you skip out on things like this, the director will chew me out too.”
“Of course. I’ll keep it a total secret.”
Though he answered cheerfully, Seung-pyo’s mind grew more complicated. It seemed Ryu Jae-min had covered for him by saying the birthday party went well.
To be honest, it hadn’t been a planned act. He had bragged that he only played back the perverted behavior because he was annoyed by how much Ryu Jae-min had recoiled, pretending it was nothing, but when he kissed… no, when he hit those lips in the karaoke room, the thought of revenge hadn’t even crossed his mind.
It sounded ridiculous, but his body had moved on its own. It just happened. Seung-pyo absentmindedly patted the school blazer he was wearing. A few hours ago, this garment had been covering Ryu Jae-min’s head.
In the dark, narrow karaoke booth with its tacky, flickering lights, Ryu Jae-min’s face—fully illuminated by the primary-colored lighting while mocking Seung-pyo’s singing skills—looked similar to how he looked when he scored a goal in a betting basketball game. As someone who had secretly observed him throughout the past year, the only times Seung-pyo had seen Ryu Jae-min look that excited were that day, and today.
Until then, Seung-pyo’s intentions had been pure. He had felt a slight sense of pride, thinking that since Jae-min had come in while being so cautious, he seemed to be enjoying himself, and that he had given a nerd who knew nothing but studying a taste of the real world. But then the guy started picking a fight, telling him to hit him quickly if he was going to… Their faces got too close, and so…
…He was one thing, but Ryu Jae-min had really worked his tongue. Since he was a guy who only knew how to study, Seung-pyo thought he’d be stiff, but he was honestly surprised by the unexpectedly proactive movements.
But then again, would a bastard who took photos like that and chatted with perverts behind people’s backs really have never kissed before? Well, he insisted he never had offline meetups, but he couldn’t be trusted. He might have done strange things with the bastards who left those comments.
“Ugh, fuck.”
Seung-pyo unconsciously muttered a curse as if disgusted. The instructor in the elevator with him widened his eyes.
“What? Why?”
“Oh, no. Sorry. Just some family stuff.”
Just then, the elevator doors opened, and Seung-pyo gave a quick bow and hurried out, starting to run.
When he returned home late at night, no one was there. His Hyung had gone out with school friends today and decided to stay overnight. Without even changing his clothes, Seung-pyo flopped down on the sofa.
Although he shared the housework with his Hyung, a house looked after haphazardly by a test-taker and a college student was inevitably cluttered. Clothes that his Hyung had clearly tossed aside before leaving were piled on the sofa armrest, and the remnants of yesterday’s snacks still remained on the dining table. He needed to vacuum, but since both he and his Hyung kept coming home late, cleaning wasn’t easy.
However, having grown accustomed to the house always being somewhat messy, Seung-pyo sat there today without much thought, blending into the scenery.
Seung-pyo opened his phone’s photo gallery. It wasn’t hard to find the only photo he had of Ryu Jae-min.
Throughout the walk home, Seung-pyo had thought about many things. He had always been proud of himself for being handsome, tall, popular, and smart, but he believed he had never committed the folly of overestimating himself. Why? Because Oh Seung-pyo was intelligent.
Therefore, today, Seung-pyo tried to look at himself as objectively as possible. Sinking into the backrest of the sofa, he let out a deep sigh and opened the internet browser on his phone. After searching a few things, he chose a counseling site that looked the most reliable, pressed the ‘Write’ button, and quickly tapped the keyboard.
Could I be gay?
* * *
Hello. I am a male high school freshman. I went to a co-ed middle school but came to an all-boys high school, and I think I keep feeling attracted to a kid at my school in a strange way.
I’m not sure, but I think he’s gay. He doesn’t seem interested in girls, and I’ve seen him playing a bit sexually with other guys. I think that’s why he keeps catching my attention.
Today, somehow, I ended up kissing him. It’s not that I like him, it was just impulsive… I’m popular with girls and have never thought that I liked guys. Is it curiosity, or have I been gay all along?
Until I met this guy in high school, I’ve never been interested in a man this way, nor have I ever wondered if I was gay.
Once he finished writing, a larger sense of reality hit him than when he was just thinking about it. Seung-pyo had never imagined he would end up posting his story anonymously on a counseling site. He was a person who didn’t really have many worries.
He didn’t bother writing the useless piece of information that the kiss with Ryu Jae-min was his first kiss. Whether it was the first or the tenth, the important thing was that it happened between two men.
Although it was an anonymous post, he felt unnecessarily worried and mixed in a small lie, saying he was a high school freshman, before posting. Since it was late at night, a reply wouldn’t come until tomorrow.
Only then did Seung-pyo take off his uniform and shower. He brushed his teeth longer than usual and scrubbed his lips clean, then entered his room in a T-shirt and shorts and lay on his bed.
He scrolled through his friends’ SNS to look at photos and sent a reply to the kids whining in the group chat to get online for a game, telling them he was too tired today. By then, it was already 11 PM. As he prepared for bed, Seung-pyo checked his post on the counseling site one last time.
“Huh?”
Seung-pyo was startled. He had naturally assumed a reply wouldn’t come until tomorrow afternoon, but a counselor’s response was already up.
The site must be very actively managed. Feeling proud that he had chosen a good site, Seung-pyo read the reply.
Counselor’s Answer:
* * *
Hello. It seems you have been worrying a lot.
Many students in their late teens experience confusion regarding their sexual orientation. Therefore, I hope you don’t feel too lonely or struggle with the thought that this is a problem unique to you.
‘I didn’t think that,’ he countered internally, but he continued reading.
In particular, when adapting to a school life spent only with same-sex friends after living in a co-ed environment, friendship with a close friend can sometimes feel like romantic feelings, and one may wish to resolve growing sexual curiosity during adolescence with a close friend. This can be even more likely if you have witnessed the other person in a sexual scene. This is a phenomenon common to both males and females.
‘We aren’t close friends, though.’
However, the parts about ‘wanting to resolve sexual curiosity with someone close’ and ‘it being more likely if you’ve witnessed a sexual scene’ resonated with him. Seung-pyo nodded.
Therefore, in your case, it seems too early to categorize your sexual orientation as either heterosexual or homosexual. There is also a possibility that you are bisexual, capable of loving both women and men.
Rather than being bound by the worry that you might be homosexual, it would be better to open your heart comfortably and observe your feelings. You are attracted to a school friend now, but you don’t know how long these feelings will last.
“They’re talking about this way too easily because it’s someone else’s business, aren’t they?”
Telling him to comfortably open his heart and observe while he might be gay—how could his heart be comfortable? This counselor had clearly never experienced a crisis of sexual orientation.
However, he agreed with the part about it possibly being curiosity. This was because Seung-pyo himself couldn’t tell if this interest in Ryu Jae-min was curiosity or genuine sexual attraction.
Seung-pyo left the counseling site without hesitation and looked for another place. He had thought a professional counseling site would be better even if it was free, but he figured it would be better to ask people who had gone through similar worries.
Do I seem gay?
* * *
I go to an all-boys high school and there’s a guy who’s fucking gay. He’s not flirting, but I happened to see him exchanging weird DMs and photos with guys. Since then, I keep thinking about him. I think about kissing him and I want to see him naked.
For the record, I’m popular with girls and had zero interest in guys before meeting him. Do I still seem gay?
He left the post on a worry board of a large community. As expected of a community with many users, replies came quickly.
└ Just because a guy thinks about kissing a guy doesn’t mean he’s gay. But I am gay.
* * *
└ Just because you want to see a guy naked doesn’t mean you’re gay. But I am gay 2222.
* * *
└ It might be because you saw him DMing. I’m a straight guy through and through, but I watched gay porn when I was young and kept thinking about it, so I worried if I was gay.
* * *
└ My friend always said he was homosexual in high school, but he started dating a girl as soon as he got to college and is getting married this month.
* * *
└ I almost believed you if it weren’t for the part about being popular with girls.
Opinions were divided. Some said he was gay, and some said he was too young to know. As expected, asking others didn’t seem to provide a satisfying resolution.
└ If you’re popular with girls, try dating one. Since it’s an all-boys school, you probably only have guys around you. If you hang out with a girl, you might stop thinking about him.
“Oh.”
Seung-pyo was impressed by the last reply. Regardless of whether it was right or wrong, it was the first time someone had suggested an actual solution.
But was there anyone to date? Seung-pyo was popular with girls and got along well with them, but there was no girl he liked.
In middle school, the atmosphere was such that everyone got along like friends regardless of gender, and while there were some he was closer to, it wasn’t a ‘some’ kind of vibe.
Seung-pyo thought deeply and accessed SNS again. He searched for a female friend he had been close with in middle school. They used to talk a lot via messenger, but since she had told him to use SNS direct messages instead of his phone if he ever needed to contact her, their communication had naturally decreased.
Jung Su-hyun — Preparing hard! Aja aja!
Below a profile picture where her eyes were still round and wide, there was a self-introduction filled with emojis. Seung-pyo sent a message to his middle school classmate for the first time in a long while.
* * *
Even immediately after their sudden kiss, the two high schoolers had to go to the academy together, and the day after their sudden kiss, they had to attend the same school. With no right of refusal, it was a cold reality.
When Seung-pyo and Jae-min met again at school, they were no different from the first day. Rather than greeting each other, they exchanged glares and spent their time surrounded by other kids.
But that was only on the surface; Seung-pyo felt as if antennae had grown out of his head. Even while looking elsewhere and talking to other kids, all his nerves were focused on the person whose lips he had touched yesterday.
Was Ryu Jae-min any different? There was no way to know. Jae-min was also thoroughly ignoring Seung-pyo. Regardless of what he was thinking inside. Ryu Jae-min, who had said they should talk tomorrow, never approached first since Seung-pyo didn’t initiate.
While walking through the classroom, moving to another room for a class, or going to the cafeteria for lunch, Seung-pyo would steal glances at Ryu Jae-min, pretending it was accidental. Even though he only cast his gaze for a brief moment, their eyes kept meeting. Every time that happened, Ryu Jae-min would quickly look away, pretending not to see Seung-pyo.
Seung-pyo hadn’t slept well last night. He kept thinking about what happened in the coin karaoke. Would Ryu Jae-min be the same? Because the clothes had covered his face, he could barely see it, but the erotic sound Ryu Jae-min made when rubbing the inside of his lips with his tongue kept ringing in his ears.
Then, the image of Ryu Jae-min he had seen before the start of the semester would automatically spring to mind. A perverted scene that just wouldn’t be forgotten.
He felt like he was going crazy because he kept getting hard. When he remembered that, he should have felt disgusted; he shouldn’t have gotten an erection.
‘Let’s just endure until the weekend. It’s really just because there are too many guys around me lately. Once the weekend comes and I meet Jung Su-hyun, I’ll go back to normal.’
‘A period of sexual orientation confusion during adolescence.’ Summarizing the opinions he encountered on the internet yesterday into one sentence, Seung-pyo clung to a thread of hope.
“Oh-Seung, what are you doing Sunday? Let’s raid for the first time in a while.”
“I have plans.”
The moment he said ‘plans,’ his eyes met Ryu Jae-min’s once again. The fact that their eyes kept meeting meant the guy was also constantly glancing this way.
Why do you keep looking? He wanted to pick a fight, but since they were in the same boat, he had no choice but to ignore him and pretend not to see.
“Why are you so busy lately?”
The complaints of the other boys didn’t even register. Seung-pyo’s heart had already flown to Jung Su-hyun, whom he would meet this weekend, and to 2 PM this coming Sunday.
Once he met Su-hyun and had fun, the ‘period of sexual orientation confusion during adolescence’ would melt away as if it had never happened.
And then came the long-awaited Sunday at 2 PM.
“Welcome.”
Arriving five minutes before the appointment time, Seung-pyo scanned the cafe, their meeting spot. There were quite a few people since it was the weekend, but luckily, one window seat was empty.
He quickly claimed the chair and started racking his brain. In middle school, half the students were girls, so he could naturally mingle just by going to school. He didn’t need to worry about what to do; they just took classes together from morning to night, ate, went to the snack bar, and messed around on their phones. While they rarely shared hobbies, there were some kids he occasionally went to PC cafes with, and they flocked to karaoke rooms or arcades almost every day.
But today was different.
‘What should we do?’
It had been almost a year since he had met the real Jung Su-hyun, rather than talking via phone or messenger. The last time was early in the first year when they met once for lunch.
Su-hyun had become busy with her trainee life, and Seung-pyo had been burning with the goal—still unachieved—of reclaiming the top rank in the whole school, so they had only checked in on each other occasionally as time flew by.
‘Could this be a date?’
In middle school, he had never even joked that meeting Jung Su-hyun alone outside was a date. If someone had asked if they were dating, he would have laughed at them, calling it cringey or calling them crazy. Because they knew they would be mocked, no one treated it as something special even if they found out about a one-on-one meeting.
But a gap had formed. Even if they had been comfortable friends, the thought of meeting after a year of only sporadic contact made him feel a bit awkward. The awkwardness stemming from the time they had been apart kept making Seung-pyo wonder if he should do something different from usual.
“You here?”
But before he could finish his worrying, Su-hyun appeared, asked how he was with a single phrase, and flopped into the opposite chair. She had already finished ordering and had a strawberry latte in her hand. Seung-pyo straightened his posture and grumbled.
“What the hell. I didn’t order because I was waiting for you.”
“You can just do it now. Go do it.”
She was right. Seung-pyo immediately headed to the counter, picked up an iced americano, and returned to his seat. Su-hyun, who had been looking at her phone, looked up and met Seung-pyo’s eyes.
“Long time no see.”
Her beaming expression was the same as in middle school, but perhaps because she had become an idol trainee, her clothes and makeup seemed much more mature than back then. Seung-pyo looked at Su-hyun, who was gulping down a large one-liter strawberry latte, as if teasing her.
“You were whining that you couldn’t eat sweets because of your diet. What’s this? You’re eating it all.”
“They said I could eat it about once a week.”
“You’ve been well, right?”
“It’s a bit tough, but I’m still good. You? I thought something happened since you suddenly asked to meet.”
“No, just because.”
Why had he asked to see Jung Su-hyun? If it was just about meeting a girl alone, there were other people he could have called out besides Jung Su-hyun, who was busy dreaming of becoming a celebrity.
Ah, right. The reason Jung Su-hyun was the first person who came to mind after seeing that comment yesterday was…
“Because you’re the prettiest among the kids I know.”
“What’s with you, you crazy bastard?”
Su-hyun frowned as if she were about to vomit the latte she had been drinking sweetly. But from Seung-pyo’s perspective, it was the truth without a single lie. Since he didn’t like any girl anyway, he figured he should spend the day with the prettiest one. That way, wouldn’t he be able to distinguish more clearly how it differed from being with Ryu Jae-min?
“I came out to meet a middle school friend for the first time in a while, and are you even sucking up to me just because I got an agency?”
“Objectively, it’s true.”
“I get so many messages even from guys I wasn’t that close with. That’s why my phone was taken away.”
“They take your phone too? Agencies are the same as academies.”
It was an answer that could easily be misunderstood. But he couldn’t exactly bring up Ryu Jae-min and explain the whole long story—how he happened to kiss a boy in his class, posted on the internet asking if he seemed gay, and was told that it was just a period of confusion common in adolescence and that he’d forget all about it once he started dating a girl… Seung-pyo simply let out a deep sigh and bit down on his straw.
The internet comments said he wouldn’t even think of Ryu Jae-min if he hung out with a girl, but even after meeting Jung Su-hyun, he had already thought of Ryu Jae-min twice. Seung-pyo gave a vague excuse.
“What I said earlier was just a joke. I just contacted you because I thought it had been about a year since I last saw you.”
“Die if you ever pull a joke like that again.”
However, thanks to that “joke,” the awkwardness he had briefly worried about vanished completely, as if it had never existed in the first place.
People hurried back and forth on the street. The downtown area on a weekend afternoon was brimming with energy, and watching the scene through the window, he began to feel better. It took a long time just to catch up and engage in meaningless chatter with his long-lost friend.
“What major are you going for in college?”
“I don’t know. I should start thinking about it. What are you learning these days? Singing? Dancing?”
“Both. But I think I’m more on the dance side than vocals. I’ve never thought I was bad at singing, but I can’t really compete with the kids who are truly amazing.”
“Right. Want to go to a karaoke room after we finish our coffee?”
“Let’s go, let’s go! I feel like I sing every day, but I actually don’t get to go to karaoke that often!”
Having reached an instant agreement, the two quickly finished their drinks and left the cafe. As they walked through the crowded streets, the game center Seung-pyo had visited a few days ago appeared. Su-hyun pointed at the sign happily.
“It’s been so long. We used to come here all the time in middle school. I haven’t been here since last summer.”
But Seung-pyo couldn’t bring himself to agree and tell her to hurry inside; he could only manage a lukewarm smile.
“Let’s go somewhere else.”
“Why? This is the biggest one around here.”
“Is it okay for you to wander around places with so many people?”
“I’m not even in a debut group yet; you’re telling me I can’t even come to an arcade?”
Exactly. Su-hyun, who was preparing to be a celebrity, could enter and leave the arcade without a care, which naturally brought to mind a certain fussy fellow who had hidden his face by pulling a jacket over his head, fearing someone might recognize him.
Having said her piece, Su-hyun stepped inside the center without even waiting for Seung-pyo. Seung-pyo let out a deep sigh and looked up at the neon sign, which wasn’t lit since it was still daytime, as if blaming it.
Of all places, why here? A few days ago, in this very place, his first… with Ryu Jae-min…
‘No.’
He had decided that it wasn’t a first kiss, but rather that he had been hit with lips, yet he kept forgetting. Call it self-rationalization if you want. Rationalization is necessary when needed. Above all, he had to stop thinking about Ryu Jae-min.
Bang! Just then, people standing nearby began a scoring competition, throwing their full strength into the punching ball. Seung-pyo steeled his heart, deciding that his action had been nothing more than hitting a punching ball like that. Since it happened at an arcade, it was just a lip-clashing game. He stepped forward boldly.
“What took you so long to get in?”
Su-hyun, who had been wandering between the machines touching this and that, grumbled at Seung-pyo for his late entrance. Without even glancing at Su-hyun, Seung-pyo stared intently at the coin karaoke booths. He wore an expression of grim determination, like someone who had come to carry out a critical mission rather than someone who had come to play. As if a boss mob that needed to be captured was hiding inside that coin karaoke booth.
“Let’s just sing already.”
“You must have really wanted to sing.”
At Seung-pyo’s urging, Su-hyun didn’t delay further and opened the door to the karaoke booth. Though it was a karaoke room that countless people entered and exited with light hearts every day, Seung-pyo’s heart pounded as if he had returned to a crime scene he had fled from. Su-hyun picked up the microphone first.
“I’m going first, okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you still tone-deaf these days?”
“Yeah.”
When only a soulless answer returned to her teasing question, Su-hyun peered at Seung-pyo with a puzzled look. Seung-pyo, who had been rushing her to sing, just stared blankly at the monitor screen as if he had lost his soul once he actually entered the booth, showing no other reaction.
However, Su-hyun soon lost interest in Seung-pyo’s reaction. This was because the accompaniment had started. The song Su-hyun chose was a hit by a popular solo singer these days, and for Su-hyun, it was a song by a senior and the representative idol of the same agency.
Seung-pyo, who had been sitting stupidly as if lost in thought, gradually came back to his senses at his former classmate’s singing skill, which effortlessly handled the high notes. By the time Su-hyun finished the song with a performance involving finger guns, he found himself clapping unconsciously.
“Crazy. Your singing has improved a ton.”
“I practice every day, so I should have improved at least this much.”
From then on, it was a time focused solely on singing. Stimulated by Su-hyun’s singing, Seung-pyo immediately selected the next song and began to sing. His singing skill was the same as it was a few days ago, but since the friends he was close with in middle school already knew he was tone-deaf and had no sense of rhythm, he didn’t need to pretend or act coy.
As they took turns singing, an hour passed in a flash. Excited, the two went outside and played a few rounds of fighting and racing games.
After focusing on the games for a while, he became hungry enough for his stomach to growl, so they headed to a waffle shop. As he took a few crispy bites of a waffle spread with apple jam and whipped cream, Seung-pyo suddenly remembered what had happened at the academy.
“Oh, by the way, Kang Ji-seon goes to the academy I attend.”
“Ah, really? Is she doing well?”
“Kang Ji-seon said it’s been hard to see your face lately.”
“I get home late because of practice and can’t use my phone. I can’t contact people as often as I used to.”
Indeed, preparing to be a celebrity or preparing for entrance exams must be equally hectic and busy. It’s hard to see someone’s face even if they just go to a different school, so it must be even worse since she joined an agency. Seung-pyo nodded.
As they continued their conversation while eating waffles, it was already time to part. Since Su-hyun said she had to go to the practice room in the evening, they couldn’t have dinner together. Seung-pyo had also promised to spend the evening with his family because his aunties were coming over.
“Today was fun! Let’s meet again when our schedules align.”
“Yeah, get home safe.”
After saying goodbye, Seung-pyo stared blankly at Su-hyun’s back as she walked down the opposite path. Instead of turning around immediately, he let out a small huff and tilted his head.
‘This isn’t a date.’
It was exactly the same as in middle school.
Singing like crazy in a competitive manner in the karaoke room without a single meaningful conversation, doing funny performances as if they were in a contest to see who could look more ridiculous, taking turns picking games they wanted to play, eating snacks afterward, and parting in a rush because it was time to go home.
Because he was so absorbed in playing, Sunday ended without him even having the chance to carefully compare and test how the sexual orientation confusion of adolescence differs when one is with a girl.
Swallowing a belated regret, feeling as though he had spent his time wrongly, Seung-pyo turned around. Come to think of it, it was natural. He was glad to see a middle school classmate after a long time, but there was no way a friend he had been comfortably close with for years would suddenly look like a woman after one year.
Then who should I try meeting? While pondering this futile question, Seung-pyo stopped as he passed in front of the game center.
After pacing and contemplating for a moment, he entered the game center—which he had entered once with Ryu Jae-min and once with Jung Su-hyun—alone this time. Leaving behind the people who were frantically absorbed in their own tasks, he opened the door to an empty karaoke booth.
Seung-pyo flopped down into the empty chair. On the screen where no song had been selected, music video clips were playing in rotation. Somehow, he had come to this karaoke room several times within a few days. Usually, he would sing so many songs that it was hard to even pick them all, but sitting alone, only one song kept circling in his head. Ever since he arrived in front of the game center.
After hesitating, he inserted a coin into the slot. An adorable animation theme song accompaniment, which didn’t fit the quiet booth, began to flow.
Seung-pyo didn’t sing. He simply bit his lip while staring bluntly at the video of cute, round animal characters doing cheerful dances, looking as if they didn’t have a single worry in the world.
“Ugh, fuck… what am I supposed to do…”
With the animation theme song as background music, Seung-pyo ran his hand through his hair several times, his head hanging low as if his life were over, and stormed out before the short song even finished.
As he walked quickly, almost running to get home, a familiar voice suddenly called out to him.
“Oh! Oh-Seung!”
Startled, he looked toward the sound to find familiar faces he saw every day staring at him. Without any sign of welcome, Seung-pyo just stared at them blankly.
“You said you had plans? We’re going to the PC cafe now, want to come along?”
“I’m on my way home after my plans.”
“Eh, come if you can get home later.”
“Yeah.”
Barely acknowledging the greeting, Seung-pyo hurried away as if he had been caught stealing. The boys looked back at him and whispered among themselves.
“What’s with that expression? He looks like he’s sick.”
“Hasn’t he been a bit weird all this week?”
“He probably fought with his Hyung again.”
And so, the last day of a precious weekend was fading away.
* * *
Monday, as soon as Seung-pyo opened the classroom door, he felt a strange atmosphere.
The looks from his close friends were unusual. Seung-pyo also frowned slightly as he set his bag down on his seat.
“What is it?”
“Oh Seung-pyo, you traitorous bastard!”
One boy growled, intentionally lowering his voice.
“I heard you met Jung Su-hyun.”
“Was your Sunday appointment Su-hyun?”
“I heard you went to karaoke with Jung Su-hyun!”
It was a momentum like hyenas swarming to tear apart their prey. Seung-pyo stepped back instinctively and glanced toward Jae-min.
Ryu Jae-min was looking down at his book with a completely expressionless face, as if he had no interest in the conversation at all. Seung-pyo grumbled as he pushed away the bothersome boys.
“So what if I met her?”
“If you’re going to meet her, can’t you just say let’s all meet together? You know we want to see Jung Su-hyun too!”
“Hey, if I said I’d drag all of you along, she wouldn’t have come.”
“Wow, look at how he talks, you son of a bitch.”
However, the boys couldn’t deny the cruel truth, and they surrounded Seung-pyo while letting out sighs of regret. Seung-pyo waved them off, telling them to get lost, but the boys’ curiosity was burning like a spark in oil.
“How was it? Is she prettier than in middle school?”
“Did you only go to karaoke yesterday? What did you do?”
“Why did you meet? What did you talk about?”
Seung-pyo closed his eyes tightly at the flood of questions he couldn’t possibly answer one by one. He had made a mistake. He should have gone to a distant neighborhood where he wouldn’t run into anyone he knew.
Jung Su-hyun, the actual celebrity trainee, was probably spending a peaceful day today, yet he was the only one suffering this nuisance on the charge of meeting a future girl group member alone. Moreover, he hadn’t solved his concerns about the adolescent sexual orientation confusion or whatever it was at all.
“I said shut up! We just hung out for a bit and parted!”
When he shouted, the boys finally tucked their tails and scattered. It was obvious they would continue to mutter among themselves, but at least it was a relief that they weren’t acting distractingly beside him. Seung-pyo let out a long, silent sigh.
‘I didn’t intend for Ryu Jae-min to find out that I met Jung Su-hyun.’
No, why? What if he knows? Why shouldn’t he know?! Arguing with his own inner thoughts, Seung-pyo opened his textbook, pretending to be calm on the surface.
Whether Jae-min was truly uninterested or just pretending to be, he didn’t make eye contact with Seung-pyo even once today. He had been looking at a book earlier, and now he was looking at his phone with a detached expression.
If it weren’t for that damn phone, this wouldn’t have… Grumbling internally, Seung-pyo let out a long sigh. What was the point of blaming the phone now? The milk was already spilled.