By Zephyria Suddenly, the bed swayed lightly. Even at the slight movement, Ju-wan’s sleeping eyes slid open. His blurred vision was bluish. It seemed dawn had not yet broken. Turning his head further to the side, he saw Kwon Su-hyeok sitting with his back turned. He was leaning his upper body deep and clutching his head.
Was he hurting somewhere? Or did he have another terrible dream?
Since he started sharing a bed with Ju-wan, the days Kwon Su-hyeok suffered from nightmares had noticeably decreased. But they hadn’t stopped completely. Just like now, they repeated once in a while when he was about to forget, tormenting him.
Ju-wan reached out and placed a hand on Kwon Su-hyeok’s back. Only then did Kwon Su-hyeok flinch and look back.
“…Mr. Su-hyeok.”
“Go back to sleep.”
Seeing Ju-wan’s worried expression, he gave a pale smile.
“I’m okay.”
Watching Kwon Su-hyeok blankly, Ju-wan suddenly sat up. Jaguar, who had been sleeping pressed tightly against him, flinched and opened his eyes. After assessing the situation with bright yellow pupils, the creature quickly closed its eyelids again and turned its body to the other side.
After gently covering the animal with the blanket, Ju-wan got off the bed. Then, leading Kwon Su-hyeok, who was staring at him, he went outside. After seating him in a dining chair, Ju-wan took bottled water from the refrigerator and handed it to him. He hadn’t even turned on the lights properly.
“Drink this.”
Kwon Su-hyeok looked at Ju-wan in silence before quietly taking the glass. Then, as if suffering from extreme thirst, he gulped down the water.
Even so, as if his thirst wasn’t quenched, he let out a deep sigh. He raised his hand again and massaged his throbbing head somewhat aggressively.
Ju-wan approached Kwon Su-hyeok. Su-hyeok lifted his head slightly and looked up at him again. Without a word, Ju-wan reached out both arms and hugged Su-hyeok tightly. As his head became almost completely buried in Ju-wan’s chest, Su-hyeok’s eyes widened in surprise for a moment before he slowly closed them. He reached out his own arms and clung to Ju-wan desperately.
He could feel Ju-wan’s warm body heat vividly. As the faint, steady sound of a heartbeat echoed in his ear, Su-hyeok’s own wildly racing heart began to calm down.
Ju-wan gently stroked the hair of the man held in his arms. As Su-hyeok’s ragged breath softened into a more comfortable rhythm, his body slowly and deeply heaved. As he tirelessly comforted Su-hyeok, a certain conviction took hold.
Now, it was Ju-wan’s turn.
By the time Jeon Mi-nam visited, Kwon Su-hyeok had returned to his usual self. As if he had never struggled, he hurried to get ready to go out, no different from any other day.
Ju-wan watched intently as Su-hyeok tied his tie. Occasionally, he moved his hands, trying to mimic the fluid motions.
Noticing this, Su-hyeok approached him. Then, he abruptly placed his nearly finished tie into Ju-wan’s hands. Ju-wan carefully tightened the knot and straightened the collar. Watching him intently, Su-hyeok pressed a kiss to Ju-wan’s forehead. Ju-wan beamed at the ticklish display of affection. Soon, without either of them initiating first, they shared a kiss.
Eventually, they left the bedroom and sat facing each other at the dining table. Jeon Mi-nam, who had prepared a neat breakfast for the two, stepped aside after taking out some raw meat. He headed straight to the living room to feed Jaguar.
After watching Jaguar eat for a while, Ju-wan turned his gaze toward Su-hyeok. He didn’t even eat, just waiting for an opportunity to say something. Soon, Su-hyeok looked up with a puzzled expression.
“What is it? Do you have something to say?”
“I… I found something I want to do…”
“Something you want to do? What is it?”
“There are a few things I need.”
“If that’s the case, don’t hesitate to tell me. I can just have someone buy them for you.”
“They’re such trivial things that I’d feel bad doing that. And I want to go and pick them out myself.”
“Yourself?”
Ju-wan nodded vigorously. Su-hyeok stared at him with a questioning look.
It would be even better if Mr. Su-hyeok came with me. We haven’t gone out together once recently. And tomorrow happens to be a holiday.”
Thinking about it, Ju-wan was right. Since their hearts had connected, they had barely been able to go outside due to his physical condition. They had gone out occasionally under Baek Do-un’s pressure, but they had never spent time entirely alone together. Ju-wan must have so many things he wanted to experience; Su-hyeok felt he had been too indifferent.
Su-hyeok wiped the surprised expression from his face and gave a short laugh.
“Shall we?”
“Yes. If possible, I’d like to go without a car. I want to take public transportation like the bus or subway for the first time in a long while. I heard there are new stations, and some have changed their names. They say there are more routes now too… I want to walk long enough to feel tired for just one day. While we’re out, I want to people-watch, look at the streets, eat something delicious, and…”
“Do you know what people call that?”
He asked a question that didn’t need asking. As if he simply wanted to see Ju-wan’s lips part to utter that specific word.
“Um… a date?”
As expected, Su-hyeok’s face softened completely. He was lovely. He immediately stood up and captured the plump lips of the man mentioning a ‘date.’
Ju-wan, frozen with his spoon still in hand, closed his eyes tight and responded to the kiss. He gently held Su-hyeok’s face with both hands. Because of this, the spoon he was holding fell, making a loud clatter. Jeon Mi-nam, who had instinctively looked back at the untimely noise, whipped his head away again. The backs of his ears and his neck turned bright red.
Their lips, entwined sweetly, parted and met again in small nibbles, their tongue-tips lightly brushing. Perhaps feeling it was too soon to end, just as their lips were about to separate, Su-hyeok bit Ju-wan’s upper lip again. With soft kissing sounds, he sucked on the upper lip and tongue together. Ju-wan let out a little giggle and licked his lips back. It was sweet and languid.
They slowly pulled their lips apart. Their gazes met at a close distance. Ju-wan gave Su-hyeok a deliberate, audible peck.
“Now, let’s eat.”
He felt that if he didn’t signal the end, they would stay intoxicated and forget to eat. Su-hyeok replied “Okay” in a slightly lowered voice, kissed Ju-wan’s hand, and pulled back. He even picked up a side dish near him and placed it on Ju-wan’s rice. It felt as though he was being loved at every possible moment. The fact that he was receiving such affection from none other than Su-hyeok was overwhelming. To the point where he wanted to return it through everything he possibly could.
After finishing the meal and just as Su-hyeok had finished getting ready to leave, the intercom rang. It seemed his subordinates had arrived to escort him. When Jeon Mi-nam opened the door, four men in black suits entered. Because of their large frames, the spacious foyer felt crowded.
The four men bowed their heads the moment they spotted Ju-wan, who had come to the entrance to see Su-hyeok off.
“Hello! Hyung…”
“Hello! Sa…”
They hesitated to attach a title after the greeting, glancing at each other. Jeon Mi-nam, who was just as flustered as Ju-wan, shook his head with a deep sigh.
“Hello.”
Ju-wan responded to their greeting instinctively. As he gave a slight bow, the men bowed their heads in turn. Then, they didn’t lift their heads for a long time.
“Uh… that’s enough…”
Su-hyeok approached the flustered Ju-wan and wrapped an arm around his waist. Jaguar, who had followed them, pressed his body against their legs and looked up at the two.
“I’ll be back, so have fun while I’m gone.”
At the unprecedentedly tender tone, Jeon Mi-nam and Su-hyeok’s subordinates were all struck dumb. However, Su-hyeok’s gaze remained fixed on Ju-wan, so he didn’t see their expressions. Or perhaps, he simply didn’t care.
Ju-wan, for his part, showed no sign of surprise or embarrassment; he simply nodded with a faint smile. As their faces drew closer, Jeon Mi-nam and the subordinates hurriedly looked away. Only Jaguar, with his bright yellow eyes sparkling, watched with interest as their lips briefly touched and parted.
“Have a safe trip.”
Ju-wan let go of Su-hyeok reluctantly and gave a gentle farewell. Su-hyeok pulled Ju-wan’s hand to press his lips to it one last time before finally leaving the house. Ju-wan’s eyes met those of one subordinate who was quietly trying to close the front door from the outside. Without either initiating first, they bowed to each other.
“Goodbye.”
“Ah, yes… get home safely.”
Then, the door closed quietly and stealthily. Even the door lock seemed to engage unusually slowly. A long sigh escaped Ju-wan’s lips.
The house became silent, as if the commotion had never happened. A strange sense of incongruity washed over him. Come to think of it, Baek Do-un, who should have arrived by now, had not appeared. Had something happened?
“Mr. Mi-nam, is Teacher Baek not coming today by any chance?””
At the sudden question, Jeon Mi-nam, who was heading toward the kitchen, stopped in his tracks. For some reason, the way he turned around seemed to creak like a rusted machine. It might have just been his imagination.
“It seems he drank too much again yesterday. He’s probably too tired to come today.”
“Is he alright? His stomach must be burning; should we go and make sure he’s eating…”
“Don’t worry. I already took care of his breakfast before coming here.”
“Uh… you did, Mr. Mi-nam?”
It was a question that was more of a reaction. Even so, Jeon Mi-nam hurriedly explained the events of the previous night as if making an excuse.
“I got a call from the bar yesterday. They said the Teacher was unconscious… I went to pick him up and ended up driving him home. I thought something might happen if he just slept… you know, there are quite a few cases where intoxicated people choke on their vomit in their sleep, right? I stayed to watch over him out of worry, and by the time I knew it, dawn had broken… that’s simply why I ended up making him some hangover soup…”
Ju-wan, listening blankly, responded a beat late.
“Ah… you must have worked hard.”
“…No, it was nothing.”
Ju-wan hadn’t pressed him or suspected anything, yet he had been excessively defensive. Realizing his own behavior belatedly, he shut his mouth tight. The backs of Jeon Mi-nam’s ears and his neck had turned red again.
“Then, I’ll go clean the kitchen.”
With a quick bow, Jeon Mi-nam left the spot as if fleeing. Though the exact circumstances were unknown, a certain warm energy emanated from his clumsy gestures. Enough to make the observer smile foolishly.
“Well then. Shall we give Su-nam a bath first?”
Thinking of helping Jeon Mi-nam, Ju-wan rolled up his sleeves. When he called “Su-nam!”, Jaguar, who had been keeping a suspicious eye on Jeon Mi-nam, flicked his round ears and looked back. When Ju-wan gestured for him to come closer, he dashed over and jumped into Ju-wan’s arms.
Ju-wan tried to hold his ground, but unable to withstand the creature’s weight and strength, he eventually flopped over. Jaguar didn’t mind and climbed on top of Ju-wan, licking his cheeks wildly. At this point, he seemed less like a large cat and more like a dog. Ju-wan burst into laughter at the scratchy yet ticklish sensation.
“Hey, stop it!”
As he wrestled with Jaguar and held out his hand, the creature licked his hand wildly as well. The laughter didn’t stop. It was a terribly peaceful morning in their daily lives.
* * *
“Then, please have a safe trip.”
Jeon Mi-nam came out to the entrance to see the two off with utmost courtesy. He tried to maintain a poker face, but he couldn’t hide the anxiety in his eyes.
“Su-nam, I’ll be back. I’ll buy you a present, so you have to listen to Mr. Mi-nam.
Ju-wan held Jaguar’s face and repeated the request several times. Jaguar, having no idea what was going on, simply wagged his tail slowly. Even after opening the door to leave, Ju-wan turned back to give the creature one last tight hug before stepping outside.
He stepped out the main gate side-by-side with Kwon Su-hyeok. From that point on, he had only ever traveled by car, so walking it himself for the first time felt strange. Ju-wan, who was taking quick, short steps for fear of falling behind the leading Su-hyeok, suddenly looked back. It was because he felt a gaze behind him, though it might have been a delusion. Sure enough, his eyes met those of Jeon Mi-nam, who was looking out the window. He seemed quite concerned about letting Su-hyeok and Ju-wan go out alone.
It wasn’t incomprehensible. He was likely worried that Su-hyeok might be attacked. Ju-wan waved his hand as if to say he would be back safely. Jeon Mi-nam didn’t wave back, but he gave a light bow and stepped away from the window.
When he looked forward again, he saw Su-hyeok looking back at him for not following quickly.
“Let’s go together.”
Ju-wan quickly ran to Su-hyeok and stealthily took his hand. Su-hyeok looked down at their joined hands with an unfamiliar gaze. Ju-wan entwined his fingers with Su-hyeok’s and made a firm request.
“I’ll try to walk as fast as I can, so Mr. Su-hyeok, please match your pace to mine just for today.””
“You don’t need to walk fast. Just for today, do whatever you want.”
“You can’t take those words back, okay? Let’s go.”
Without a specific destination, they simply walked slowly, following Ju-wan’s lead. Trivial sights that usually went unnoticed entered his view. Stray cats fighting over territory, various garden trees reflecting the tastes of each homeowner, foreigners who didn’t stop exercising even on a holiday, and people moving busily to start their business. And children who had made a convenience store their hangout.
They were all ordinary, everyday scenes. Yet, those ordinary sights felt fresh and wondrous because the two of them were melted into them.
It was just as they were passing in front of a cafe with a nice atmosphere. Attracted by the fragrant scent, Ju-wan stopped and peered inside.
“I’ve never tried coffee sold in a place like this; what does it taste like?”
“Want to try some?”
Su-hyeok immediately opened the cafe door and stepped inside. They seemed to be the first customers. Without asking Ju-wan for his preference, he ordered the coffee. Soon, the drinks were ready.
“Here is your three-shot Americano and deep vanilla latte.”
Su-hyeok took the two drinks and handed one to Ju-wan. The coffee, topped with plenty of whipped cream, smelled sweet. While staring at Su-hyeok, who told him to try it, Ju-wan carefully sipped through the straw. The cold, sweet coffee flowed slowly down his throat.
“…Oh.”
Ju-wan looked down at the coffee with blank eyes. He looked somewhat shocked.
“This… is so delicious.”
Was it shock, or was it emotion? The hand holding the cup trembled slightly. Even that was cute. As if to confirm the taste, Ju-wan took another sip and then offered his straw to Su-hyeok, telling him to try it. Su-hyeok detested sweet things, but he readily took a sip. The coffee aroma, the vanilla scent, and the sweetness were all appropriate.
“It’s delicious, right?”
“Yeah. Now you finish it.”
He pushed the cup back toward Ju-wan. Ju-wan quietly bit the straw and didn’t let go for a long time. Watching that absorbed expression, Su-hyeok wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pressed a quiet kiss to the crown of his head. Whatever Ju-wan wanted, whatever he liked—no matter what it was, even if it were unreasonable, Su-hyeok wanted to do it all for him.
After walking for about ten more minutes, they arrived at a nearby bus stop. Ju-wan put the now-empty cup into the recycling bin. Then, he pointed to a bus approaching the stop.
“I think I’ll take that bus for now.”
Su-hyeok nodded obediently this time as well. They waited for the bus to come to a complete stop and boarded in turn. The bus fare was listed on the ceiling. It was certainly different from the fare Ju-wan remembered. Since time changes even mountains and rivers, perhaps it was a natural change.
Meanwhile, Su-hyeok took out a ten-thousand won bill and put it in the fare box. This was because his credit card did not have a transportation card function. The bus driver, unaware of the situation, couldn’t help but say something.
“Now, if you pay with such a large bill, the change…”
“Keep the change.”
Su-hyeok declined in a fairly polite tone and led Ju-wan further inside. Ju-wan, almost being dragged along, bowed repeatedly. Due to their extraordinary yet polite demeanor, the driver didn’t say anything more. He simply kept tilting his head in confusion.
Su-hyeok and Ju-wan went to the very back and sat side-by-side. They felt that anywhere else, they wouldn’t be able to sit together or accommodate Su-hyeok’s long legs. Perhaps the sight of a tall, handsome man in a luxurious suit and a youthful man with pale skin holding hands with interlaced fingers was surreal. A few passengers glanced their way.
Ju-wan paid no mind to those looks and took in the scenery passing by the window. He chatted softly about how he had once taken the wrong bus in his school days as if possessed and gone in the opposite direction, or the various incidents that happened on buses that were like bean-sprout jars during commute hours. Of course, the other passengers didn’t look away because of Ju-wan’s response. It was more likely due to Su-hyeok’s cold gaze, silently glaring at them.
He didn’t quite adjust to the constantly jolting ride of the bus, but that had its own kind of fun. As the bus sped along, the chassis heaved deeply, causing everyone in their seats to bounce along. When the bus turned a sharp corner, people’s bodies tilted in one direction in unison before regaining their balance together. Ju-wan’s lips curved into an arc at the sight, which looked like a group mime or a choreographed dance. Su-hyeok simply watched Ju-wan intently.
“Ah, let’s get off here. Let’s try the subway too.”
As the bus reached a subway station, Ju-wan suddenly pulled Su-hyeok along. Quite a few passengers other than the two got off at that stop to transfer. Since it was a station where three lines intersected, it was incredibly crowded. Ju-wan gripped Su-hyeok’s hand tightly, as if determined, and walked into the crowd.
The inside of the subway station was equally chaotic. People moved quickly in a steady flow toward their respective destinations. The sound of cards being tapped echoed everywhere. The melody announcing the arrival of a train also flowed through the air.
Even amidst the commotion, Ju-wan scanned the route map and pulled a disposable transportation card from the machine. He fumbled for a long while, seemingly finding it difficult despite his best efforts to follow the provided instructions. Yet, Kwon Su-hyeok did not rush him, nor did he step in haphazardly; he waited calmly until Ju-wan successfully achieved his goal. Watching Ju-wan, who found everything so unfamiliar and wondrous, felt like watching a child play house.
“I did it. Let’s go now.”
Kwon Su-hyeok descended to the platform with Ju-wan, who seemed slightly excited. It had also been a very long time since he had used public transportation.
The platform was crowded with people waiting for the train. The buzzing noise and the suffocating lack of air were overwhelming. He hoped the arriving train would be relatively empty.
An announcement played, signaling that the train would arrive soon. At that, people began to scramble down the stairs. He wondered if a single train could handle such a massive crowd, but it didn’t seem like the situation would improve even if they let this train pass.
Finally, the train arrived. Those who had been secretly hopeful were quite disappointed to see that the inside of the train was also packed. Quite a few people looked determined to board by any means necessary to secure a good spot.
Soon, the doors opened and passengers poured out. Even though they had stepped aside, they were constantly bumped into, leaving them disoriented. In the midst of this, the people waiting on the platform suddenly surged forward. Ju-wan, completely unprepared, was instantly swept away by the crowd and lost his grip on Kwon Su-hyeok’s hand.
Kwon Su-hyeok let out a deep sigh. He then pushed his way through the dense crowd relentlessly to reach Ju-wan. People flared up in irritation at the unexpected force, but upon realizing the source was Kwon Su-hyeok, they turned their heads and pretended not to notice. While he had a physique and a handsome face that made one wonder if he were a celebrity, he also possessed a razor-sharp aura. It didn’t seem like there was any benefit to getting entangled with him.
“Ah… Mr. Su-hyeok.”
Ju-wan was helplessly crushed among the people, pitifully reaching out his hand. Kwon Su-hyeok pushed through the gap and pulled Ju-wan firmly into his embrace. Ju-wan’s head rested on Kwon Su-hyeok’s shoulder. Every time the train departed or stopped, passengers lost their balance and swayed this way and that. However, Ju-wan alone remained peaceful, as if he were staying in a different world.
While quietly held, Ju-wan suddenly let out a soft laugh.
“There are so many people, but it feels like it’s just the two of us.”
“…I guess so.”
Kwon Su-hyeok murmured lowly, subtly rubbing his head against Ju-wan’s. His cheek and Ju-wan’s forehead touched lightly. Ju-wan smiled silently and gripped the hem of Kwon Su-hyeok’s clothes tightly.
Before long, they arrived at the station Ju-wan had set as his destination. Once again, a flood of passengers poured out like an ebbing tide. The two of them, holding hands firmly, joined the final wave. As soon as they stepped out into the open, they both let out a long breath without needing to decide who would go first. This was likely what daily life was like: suffocating, tight, and chaotic.
Kwon Su-hyeok smoothed Ju-wan’s hair, which had become disheveled in the meantime. Only then did Ju-wan come to his senses and laugh aloud, as if he had had an exciting experience. Then, he took Kwon Su-hyeok’s hand again and walked somewhere. It was toward the department store connected to the station.
As expected, that place was also bustling with people. As if he had engraved only one thing in his mind, Ju-wan went straight down to the first floor without looking at any other items. It was the floor lined with cosmetics stores.
“Why here?”
“Um, first, over there.”
Without a clear explanation, Ju-wan led Kwon Su-hyeok to a certain brand’s store. At a glance, it gave the impression of promoting organic cosmetics. It was filled with the scent of herbs rather than flowers, which made it easier to breathe. However, the fact that both the salesclerk and the primary customers were women was no different from any other store.
“Welcome, customer. Are you looking for a specific product?”
A salesclerk spotted Ju-wan peering into the store and approached him. At her kind expression, a faint smile spread across Ju-wan’s face.
“Hello? Um, it’s for someone who touches water a lot.”
“Ah, are you looking for hand cream?”
“Yes, that’s right. That one.”
“May I ask the gender of the recipient or if they have a preferred scent?”
“The gender is male, and as for the preferred scent, I’m not sure either….”
“Then would you like to look at these first? Men usually use these herbal-based products a lot. They’re rich, so they’re excellent for moisturizing, but they’re great because they finish matte after application. You can try applying it yourself.”
The salesclerk personally handed a hand cream to Ju-wan. Ju-wan opened the lid of the sample and carefully smelled it. He had never used hand cream before. Beside him, the salesclerk kept urging him to try it. In response, the most he did was squeeze a tiny, ant-eye-sized amount and dab it on his hand.
Seeing the clumsy movements at a glance, the salesclerk smiled brightly and showed kindness.
“If you’re okay with it, shall I apply it for you?”
“Ah, yes. Thank you.”
Ju-wan obediently held out both his hands. It was then.
“No.”
Suddenly, Kwon Su-hyeok stepped in to stop her. The salesclerk and Ju-wan both widened their eyes and looked back at him simultaneously. They looked like two startled rabbits in the unexpected situation.
“…Yes?”
“That far is fine.”
He politely declined the salesclerk’s kindness. He also stopped Ju-wan, who looked puzzled.
“Anything reasonable should be fine, right? Just give me the one that sells the best.”
“Oh, are you sure you don’t want to test it further?”
“Yes.”
“Well, if the recipient doesn’t like it, it can be exchanged at any time. Shall I wrap it for you?”
“Yes.”
“Please come this way.”
Kwon Su-hyeok immediately took out his wallet. At that, Ju-wan quickly grabbed his arm and shook his head.
“I’m going to buy this.”
“…What?”
“Please let me buy it.”
Ju-wan clearly conveyed his intention again and quickly went to the counter. Since he didn’t have a proper wallet, he took out a white envelope and paid in cash.
He didn’t remember giving Ju-wan money. This was because Ju-wan had never gone out alone. Usually, if he needed something, Kwon Su-hyeok, Baek Do-un, or Jeon Mi-nam would buy it for him intuitively or take him shopping. Perhaps they had treated Ju-wan too much like a child until now.
Even after leaving that store, Ju-wan stopped by a few more. He didn’t forget to carefully wrap the items he purchased at each store. He only sought advice on product selection from Kwon Su-hyeok, refusing to let him pay.
By then, Kwon Su-hyeok began to understand what Ju-wan was thinking. He also understood the meaning behind Ju-wan’s desire to choose things he needed with his own hands.
As soon as they left the perfume store, Kwon Su-hyeok grabbed the arm of Ju-wan, who was about to walk somewhere again. Ju-wan looked back with a face asking why. His cheeks were slightly flushed from walking around so diligently. Kwon Su-hyeok chuckled and toyed with his cheek.
“Take it slow. We have plenty of time.”
“Ah… shall we eat something?”
“That place over there looks good.”
Kwon Su-hyeok gently wrapped his large hand around Ju-wan’s and headed toward a nearby ice cream cafe. Fortunately, a bar table by the window was empty. He ordered milk ice cream and espresso and brought them to the table. At that moment, Ju-wan had lined up his shopping bags on the table and was admiring the scenery outside the window. He couldn’t take his eyes off the ordinary, unremarkable daily scenery.
“What are you looking at so intently?”
“I just keep finding it fascinating. That I’m here, doing this.”
Ju-wan took his eyes off the window and looked up at Kwon Su-hyeok.
“And with you, Mr. Su-hyeok.”
In his softly smiling face, no more shadows could be found. Kwon Su-hyeok was also relieved that he seemed happy by his side.
Ju-wan glanced over the items Kwon Su-hyeok had bought and naturally picked up the ice cream. Then, he carefully took a bite of the white cream and his eyes widened. Licking the bit that got on his lips with his tongue, he couldn’t take his eyes off the ice cream. Every time he discovered Ju-wan’s late blooming, he felt sorry for him, but he also felt proud to see him encountering new things and finding them wondrous even now.
“Why is the portion of that one so small?”
After eating ice cream for a while, Ju-wan showed interest in the espresso. Kwon Su-hyeok unhesitatingly handed his cup to him.
“Want to try some?”
Ju-wan, who carefully smelled it first, hesitantly took a sip. Without fail, he frowned.
“…Tastes like cigarettes.”
A low laugh escaped Kwon Su-hyeok. Ju-wan, who was diluting the bitter taste with ice cream, suddenly held out his own ice cream.
“I’ll share mine with you.”
It sounded as if he were sharing a bit of his luck with someone who had won a prize of misfortune. Kwon Su-hyeok chuckled and pulled Ju-wan’s hand. Then, without hesitation, he leaned down and took a bite of the ice cream. As he licked away whatever might have been left around his mouth with his red tongue, Ju-wan watched the scene breathlessly. When Kwon Su-hyeok looked up and their gazes entangled, Ju-wan rolled his eyes as if nothing were wrong and went back to eating his ice cream. Even the way he couldn’t hide his true feelings was lovely.
After finishing everything, including the cone, Ju-wan suddenly stood up. As Kwon Su-hyeok’s gaze followed, he abruptly asked for understanding.
“Stay here for a moment.”
Kwon Su-hyeok gazed intently at Ju-wan’s back as he hurried away, then turned his head. He was probably just going to take care of some business. No matter how much they were lovers, there were lines that had to be respected. Although Ju-wan had never gone anywhere alone until now, he wasn’t a child, so he should be able to go to the restroom safely.
“…….”
Trying to remain optimistic, Kwon Su-hyeok glared at the innocent window and then looked back toward Ju-wan. Ju-wan was still walking somewhere with slow steps, avoiding the countless crowds. Although nothing of the feared sort happened, he couldn’t put his mind at ease, as if he had left a child by the water. He watched Ju-wan’s back, precariously almost bumping into people, with anxiety and let out a long sigh.
“…Haa, I’m really a hopeless case.”
Muttering self-deprecatingly, he suddenly stood up. Then, he grabbed the shopping bags and chased after Ju-wan.
Before long, the distance between him and Ju-wan narrowed significantly. Ju-wan seemed not to have noticed Kwon Su-hyeok’s presence because there were too many people around and he was focused on avoiding them. After going down an escalator for a while, Ju-wan entered a general merchandise store. Watching from the outside without following him in, he saw Ju-wan diligently explaining something to a clerk.
Soon, the employee guided him to a display case where various ties were exhibited.
“If you’re okay with it, may I make a recommendation?”
“Ah, yes.”
“Then could you tell me who you are giving this as a gift to?”
“Um… he’s in his 30s, and he’s tall like a model. He has a great body and a handsome face. His skin is on the fairer side, so he has a slightly cold image, but actually, he’s not that frosty. His eyes are sharp, but he doesn’t have a scary impression. He mostly wears dark suits. Sometimes he even wears a black shirt. He seems to meet clients often, but I don’t think he likes things that are too bright or flashy. But then again, he probably has most of the common ties at home….”
Ju-wan was explaining in more detail than necessary. The clerk, who had been listening silently, suddenly gave a peculiar smile. This was because the man who perfectly matched the image he was diligently describing, Kwon Su-hyeok, was entering the store.
Ju-wan, unaware of this, continued to elaborate. The clerk nodded repeatedly and picked out a few ties.
“All of these would suit that gentleman very well.”
“…Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
Hearing a familiar voice from behind, Ju-wan’s eyes widened as he turned to look at Kwon Su-hyeok. His expression was questioning why he was in the same store and how long he had been there.
“How….”
“This one would be good.”
Kwon Su-hyeok didn’t answer Ju-wan’s question and instead picked out a tie for him. Ju-wan looked back and forth between the tie and Kwon Su-hyeok several times, then immediately told the clerk, “I’ll take this one.”
By the time they moved to the counter and finished payment, the clerk asked as a matter of course.
“Since it’s a gift, shall I wrap it for you?”
“Yes.”
“No. There’s no need for that.”
As the two answers conflicted, the clerk looked puzzled.
“S-stop it.”
Kwon Su-hyeok grabbed Ju-wan’s arm and led him out of the store. He walked quickly without saying where they were going. Because of that, Ju-wan was dragged along somewhat roughly.
The place they arrived at was the restroom on that floor. Kwon Su-hyeok pushed Ju-wan into the innermost stall and entered as well, locking the door. Although the stall was spacious since it was a department store, it felt cramped once the two of them were inside.
Ju-wan looked up strangely at Kwon Su-hyeok, who had trapped him within his arms and was gazing down at him. For some reason, Kwon Su-hyeok didn’t say anything. Nor did he seem angry. In the lengthening silence, it felt like something had to be said.
Ju-wan opened his mouth while fiddling with the tie still in his hand.
“I just… wanted to pay you back, even in a small way. I know things like this won’t be enough of a reward, but I wanted to show my feelings. Everyone is so kind to me for no reason, so I wanted to give gifts for no reason too.”
“Who said anything?”
Kwon Su-hyeok chuckled as if it were absurd. Then, he pulled Ju-wan’s hand and wrapped the tie he was holding around his own neck. He placed both ends of the tie in Ju-wan’s puzzled hands and whispered.
“Since it’s your gift, I wanted to wear it immediately. That’s all.”
“Ah….”
Kwon Su-hyeok guided Ju-wan’s hands with his own, as if urging him to tie it. Then, Ju-wan, who had been staring at him, shifted his gaze to the tie. His hands moved clumsily, attempting to make a knot. Because he had learned by watching many times, he had an unfounded belief that he could do it well.
However, for a long time, the tie was simply tied into strange shapes and undone repeatedly. Groaning sounds leaked from Ju-wan. Watching this with interest, Kwon Su-hyeok leaned down several times and pressed his lips to Ju-wan’s forehead. He even tilted his head to nibble on Ju-wan’s earlobe. Each time, Ju-wan shrugged his shoulders and frowned, yet he stubbornly gripped the tie and didn’t let go. That meager tenacity kept making Kwon Su-hyeok laugh.
Eventually, Kwon Su-hyeok placed his hand over Ju-wan’s and skillfully tied the tie. Ju-wan watched the entire process with eyes full of curiosity. Pressing Ju-wan’s hand over the smooth tie knot, Kwon Su-hyeok leaned down and attempted a kiss. Ju-wan also softly closed his eyes and took his lower lip into his mouth.
It was then. A rumbling sound came from Ju-wan’s stomach. Ju-wan’s softly closed eyes slowly opened. Kwon Su-hyeok’s gaze also landed unerringly on his thin stomach. Ju-wan took the opportunity to give him a quick peck and led Kwon Su-hyeok outside.
“Now let’s go eat something delicious. There’s something I want to eat.”
The menu Ju-wan chose was street food. Specifically, from a street stall rather than a store. Ju-wan placed a plastic chair that looked flimsy at a glance in front of Kwon Su-hyeok and sat down on another chair he pulled over. Then, he ordered everything he saw: tteokbokki, fish cakes, fried snacks, and sundae.
“I didn’t like it much when I was a student. But after not eating it for ten years, I thought about it often. Has my taste changed in the meantime?”
Soon, the ordered menu items were served one by one. Ju-wan pushed tteokbokki heavily coated in sauce into his mouth and chewed. The spicy-sweet taste stimulated his appetite. He picked up a fish cake skewer and took a big bite, then handed a skewer to Kwon Su-hyeok, who had been observing him without eating. Only then did Kwon Su-hyeok begin his modest lunch.
After eating everything they ordered, the two stopped by a nearby workshop. There, they made leather collars for pets. On the silver charm, he even hand-engraved the name ‘Su-nam’ in crooked letters. He didn’t know if Jaguar, who hated anything suffocating, would welcome the gift or how long he would tolerate wearing it around his neck.
Before they knew it, the sun began to set. Ju-wan, who had spent the day walking around, people-watching, and buying everything he had planned, pulled the arm of Kwon Su-hyeok, who was walking silently. Kwon Su-hyeok looked back, asking why.
“There’s one last place I want to go.”
“Where is that?”
Ju-wan shook his head and smiled faintly.
“I don’t know either. You have to take me there, Mr. Su-hyeok.
Kwon Su-hyeok was standing on the banks of the Han River. Since the sun had set, a fairly strong wind was blowing. His fine hair fluttered chaotically in the breeze.
It was a place he used to visit alone at least once or twice a year, or more often whenever he was plagued by nightmares. He came here as an act of atonement for his dead younger brother, as if punishing himself for failing to properly care for the boy who had seen Kwon Su-hyeok as his entire world, only to let him pass away in vain.
Before long, the sparsely lined streetlamps flickered to life. Because of this, Kwon Su-hyeok’s shadow spread deeply across the ground. Another shadow approached the lonely, precarious silhouette of Kwon Su-hyeok. It was Ju-wan. Ju-wan slid his hand into the hand of Kwon Su-hyeok, who had been lost in his own thoughts. Only then did Kwon Su-hyeok, who had been staring blankly at the darkened river, meet his eyes. Ju-wan leaned his head on Su-hyeok’s shoulder, and together they gazed at the silent river.
“I wanted to say hello at least once, to Su-hyeok’s brother.”
“…….”
“I felt like Su-hyeok’s brother might feel a bit more at peace if I promised him that I’ll do well, and that I’ll never let Su-hyeok be lonely or precarious again.”
Kwon Su-hyeok remained silent. He simply tightened his grip on Ju-wan’s hand. Ju-wan nuzzled his head against his shoulder and said, “You know…”
“I’ve never once resented my grandfather. No matter how young I was, I knew. I knew how well he treated me, and how hard he lived for my sake. I knew that no one in the world could care for me as much as he did. That’s why I wasn’t resentful even when he left me behind without a promise of return. I just missed him and longed to see him throughout my life.”
“…….”
“Su-hyeok’s brother probably felt the same. You were young back then, too. He must have known how much his Hyung thought of him and how he cherished him. He probably missed his Hyung and longed for him, but there’s no way he held any resentment.”
“…Ha.”
“So please, stop hurting. Stop feeling sorry, too. You’ve done enough. Su-hyeok’s brother would want you to live well. He wouldn’t want you to suffer, trapped in bad memories, constantly throwing yourself away. It’s time to let your brother go.”
Ju-wan gently shook the hand he was holding. Kwon Su-hyeok’s gaze returned somewhat slowly. Ju-wan grabbed his arm and turned him completely toward himself. Then, staring intently into his eyes, he added:
“If you only feel sad while thinking of your brother, your brother will be sad seeing you like that, right? From now on, don’t come here alone. Come with me like this, and tell your brother all about the good things and the happy stories. If we pray to my grandfather to take good care of Su-hyeok’s brother, he’ll definitely listen. Just like he did for his grandson….”
Before Ju-wan could even finish his sentence, Kwon Su-hyeok suddenly pulled him into a tight embrace. He buried his head deep in Ju-wan’s neck, pulling him in desperately. Ju-wan’s breath hitched as his shoulders and waist were squeezed by the strong arms, but he willingly hugged him back and patted him. The two shadows that had been connected became one. Just by touching like that, they found deep comfort, and through each other’s warmth, they found solace.
How much time had passed?
“…Eh?”
Ju-wan felt the sensation of something running up quickly and bumping into his thigh, so he glanced over. Kwon Su-hyeok also felt something strange and looked down. Sure enough, an unexpected presence stood where their gazes met.
A bright smile spread across Ju-wan’s face.
“Su-nam, how did you get here?”
Ju-wan immediately knelt on one knee and vigorously stroked Jaguar’s cheeks. Jaguar also frantically rubbed his head against Ju-wan. Kwon Su-hyeok watched the two of them—embracing and enjoying the joy of a passionate reunion as if they had been separated for ten years—with a look that was both bewildered and heartwarming.
Soon, his gaze drifted further away. There stood Jeon Mi-nam and Baek Do-un, looking devastated after losing track of Jaguar. When their eyes met Kwon Su-hyeok’s, Baek Do-un turned his head away as if pretending not to know him, and Jeon Mi-nam gave a bashful little nod. He had no idea how they all found out and came here.
There was no need to rush. Slowly, he just had to escape the swamp of his bleak past. He just had to fill the black hole in his heart, whose bottom he couldn’t see, with good and happy things. Memories of a harmonious family and a younger brother who smiled brightly, saying his Hyung was the best. The pages of memory were far too few, and life was too short, to spend it all just engraving and ruminating on those things. As Ju-wan said, no one would want to be remembered through pain or sadness.
Kwon Su-hyeok turned his back to the river that swallowed the darkness and approached Ju-wan and Jaguar. The two, who had been tangling together playfully, looked up at Kwon Su-hyeok simultaneously. Kwon Su-hyeok reached out his hand to Ju-wan. A sweet smile spread deeply across his face. A dreamlike voice softly vibrated through the air.
“Let’s go back.”
To our home.