Chapter 178

thirty six

Pop, poppop, pop. The fireworks, painfully loud, continued to explode. Dane wondered if the deafening noise was playing tricks on his ears, making him mishear Grayson’s words or hear things that weren’t even there.

But Grayson was looking at Dane with a faint smile.

“What…”

Dane finally spoke. His mind was blank, unable to think of anything. Or perhaps too many thoughts were crashing in, making it impossible to grasp any one of them. Dane had been the first to call it quits, but he was still taken aback by Grayson’s words of farewell.

“What are you talking about?”

Grayson just kept smiling at his bewildered question. Dane could only blink at the incomprehensible expression and words. Then Grayson spoke, still calm.

“I’m quitting. Everything.”

Only then did Dane realize he hadn’t misheard. His ears weren’t failing him, he wasn’t hallucinating. But he still didn’t know how to react. This wasn’t the first time this had happened, so why, why now? Instead of calmly saying, “Okay, goodbye,” as he usually would, he said something completely different.

“…Why, all of a sudden?”

At the hesitant question, Grayson’s long eyelashes slowly lowered. Bathed in the bright light of the fireworks that lit up the sky like day, they cast a long shadow, making the contrast on his face even more stark.

“I don’t love you.”

Pop, another firework exploded. Dane said nothing, simply frozen, waiting for what would come next. Grayson fixed his gaze on Dane’s face and spoke, his voice as quiet and calm as before.

“I’ve realized now, the feelings I have for you aren’t love.”

Explosions continued to erupt. Amidst the cheers of the crowd and the deafening booms, they stared at each other in silence.

What the hell is this bastard spouting now?

Dane stared blankly at Grayson’s face, forgetting even to blink. The more he looked, the less sense it made.

Why was the man who had so fervently declared his love looking at him with such an expression?

“That day…”

A quiet voice drifted out. Dane had to focus all his attention to hear his low voice amidst the surrounding noise, as if pouring all his senses into him. Grayson lowered his gaze as if looking at his own toes and continued, as if reciting.

“When you first regained consciousness, the doctor said… that you might lose your sight. And when I heard that, I… immediately covered my mouth.”

After a short exhale, Grayson closed his mouth. The next words came out after a few seconds of silence. Still stubbornly holding his gaze, he confessed.

“To keep you from seeing me smile.”

Dane didn’t react immediately.

“…What?”

Just as Dane managed to utter a single word, pop, another firework exploded above them. They said nothing to each other. Dane was sure he had heard him. It was only a single word, but it must have reached Grayson’s ears.

Because he, too, was on edge, just like him.

Grayson glanced at Dane and chuckled. A childlike, innocent smile appeared on his face.

“I smiled. The moment I heard you might go blind.”

Dane blinked and asked.

“…Why?”

He couldn’t say anything else. Seeing the dumbfounded look on his face, Grayson replied as if it were obvious.

“Because, of course, I was happy.”

He really seemed that way. As if recalling the joy of that moment, he smiled so happily.

“If you couldn’t see, you wouldn’t be able to do that anymore.”

It was a nonchalant answer, but still incomprehensible to Dane.

“Do what? What are you even talking about?”

At the hasty question, Grayson replied.

“In front of me.”

The voice that flowed out with a calm expression was trembling slightly.

“In front of my eyes, going off to die.”

Pop, a huge explosion sounded as if right next to his ear. Dane stared at him without moving. Grayson met his gaze for a moment before speaking.

“You asked me why I came to find you, right?”

His calm voice continued, as if they were having a meaningless, everyday conversation.

“What I said before was true. I went to kill you.”

So calmly.

“…Why?”

The enormous disconnect between the content of his words and his tone only confused Dane. Did this bastard even know what he was saying?

“Answer me, what are you talking about?”

Unlike Grayson, Dane asked repeatedly, growing impatient. But Grayson didn’t react to his agitated voice. His silence only made Dane more sensitive. He was about to press him again when Grayson averted his gaze.

“You…”

Dane stared intently at his slowly moving lips.

“You’re going back to being a firefighter when you’re fully recovered, right?”

Of course. That was his job. He just stared blankly, not understanding, and Grayson squeezed his eyes shut.

“I can’t stand that.”

He clasped his hands together, resting his arms on his widely spread legs. Dane watched them tremble violently as Grayson continued.

“You’ll throw yourself without hesitation at any time. You’ll always be ready to die. However many times, for anyone in the world, you’ll risk your life. Even for some damn dog or cat.”

His voice was trembling as much as his clasped hands.

“So I tried to kill you. If we died together, you would be mine forever.”

Dane could only blink. Seeing his reaction of disbelief, Grayson gave a weak smile.

“It’s true. If you hadn’t noticed me then and called my name, we wouldn’t be in this world right now. You, who saved a person, would have gone to heaven, and I, who committed murder, would have gone to hell.”

He added listlessly.

“I’m glad it didn’t turn out that way, really.”

Silence returned. For a moment, only the sounds of people laughing and chatting and the fireworks filled the space between them. Dane was thinking like crazy. He had to say something. Anything, somehow.

“…But you didn’t.”

He managed to open his mouth.

“You didn’t do it. I’m alive now, and that’s all that matters.”

“No.”

Grayson immediately denied Dane’s barely uttered words.

“If things stay like this, I’m going to kill you.”

Dane tried to say something, but Grayson was faster.

“You don’t understand. It’s definitely going to happen, I will. I’m going to kill you.”

“That’s impossible to…”

“I…!”

Grayson snapped sharply as he was about to speak again. Dane paused for a moment, and he bit his lip and gasped for breath. At the violent reaction, Dane closed his mouth and waited for him to calm down. After a long silence, Grayson spoke.

“I still feel that impulse.”

He muttered in a listless voice.

“That if I kill you, I can have you all to myself. Another me keeps whispering in my ear.”

Grayson slowly covered his ears with both hands, as if trying not to hear the voice anymore. But the pained, distorted look on his face only deepened.

“But it keeps going. Even if I cover my ears like this, I keep hearing it. On and on…”

I want to have you all to myself.

I can’t stand you risking your life for someone else anymore.

Please, don’t run off like that in front of me again. Don’t leave me alone.

I’d rather.

He took a deep breath and held it. As if trapped in the terrible fantasy he had conjured up.

I wish you would just die.

Grayson slowly exhaled with a sigh.

…Then I wouldn’t have to think about this anymore.

“Love isn’t like that.”

Grayson’s face was full of despair as he looked at Dane.

“This is definitely not love.”

He repeated the same words as if reminding himself. His pale face was devoid of all fantasy, expectation, dreams, anything. With an expression as if his soul had left him, Grayson looked at Dane.

“Love can’t be this ugly.”

His dark purple eyes welled up with moisture. Grayson’s lips trembled. His purple eyes seemed to shine particularly brightly, and then the tears that had filled them flowed down his cheeks.

“Love can’t be this painful, this terrible.”

The tears that had gathered on his chin fell down. More tears followed, flowing over them.

“This isn’t love. This, this can’t be love.”

He repeated the same words over and over, then covered his tear-stained face with both hands and murmured desperately.

“I don’t love you.”

Dane could only watch him, unable to say a word.