By Zephyria 
Ho-eun climbed the slope slowly, his pace lingering. A thin layer of snow covered the path, making a soft crunching sound with every step. Perhaps because the first day of spring had long since passed, the cold had softened considerably, and the frequency of snowfall had decreased.
And yet, Ho-eun still felt a piercing chill. It was because his heart was cold.
“The General has been missing all day again. He didn’t come home last night either,” Ho-eun said without turning his head. Byeonguk flinched at the words, then quickened his stride to stand close behind Ho-eun.
“He said he was going to deal with a swarm of Devouring Ghouls.”
“Devouring Ghouls?”
“He shed a lot of blood here and there on the way back. They must have gathered after smelling it.”
“Ah… I see.”
It made sense. While carrying the wounded and those who had already become corpses on the way back, a fair amount of blood had been spilled, so the Devouring Ghouls, sensitive to the scent of blood, might have followed. If left alone, they might have even reached the garrison.
Even so, it was incredibly frustrating that Tae-muk had not shown a single strand of hair for three days.
Ho-eun let out a long sigh through his nose and spoke.
“When the General was seriously injured at the lake before, I was the one who had to run away. Somehow, this time, it seems the General is the one running away.”
“…….”
“Am I overthinking it?”
He understood Tae-muk going to deal with the Devouring Ghouls. He agreed that it was something he had to do.
However, since returning from the fir forest, he hadn’t been able to reach Tae-muk at all. Far from a sexual affair, he hadn’t even been able to hold his hand. Tae-muk had used a great deal of strength that day and his injuries were severe, so he must be in immense pain. Yet Tae-muk did not come to his side—no, he didn’t even come to the garrison.
That meant Tae-muk was likely still suffering. He was probably enduring a pain incomparable to Ho-eun’s Fever Sickness for three whole days, regardless of day or night. A pain where the body felt as if it were on fire, and blood surged back up the throat from moment to moment.
“Haa…”
Ho-eun wiped his face and sighed again. He couldn’t understand why Tae-muk wasn’t seeking him out.
Was it because he was afraid of hurting him? But three days had already passed, and by now, his body should have healed enough. Even if his mind were slightly clouded, he shouldn’t be a threat to him.
Then why, for what reason, was he not utilizing him as his Bondmate?
He was a person who existed solely because of Tae-muk, for the sake of Tae-muk.
It was as Ho-eun, his eyebrows drooping, slowly climbed the slope.
“Could it be because of a sense of responsibility?”
Byeonguk said something cryptic.
“Pardon?”
Ho-eun asked, turning back to look at him. Byeonguk gazed at Ho-eun and added, his expression neutral.
“Responsibility becomes guilt when one cannot take responsibility.”
“…….”
“The General is likely feeling guilt right now.”
“Ah…”
Ho-eun’s mouth hung open slightly. Guilt. He vaguely knew how heavy that word was. Because right now, he too was feeling a similar emotion.
Ho-eun blinked slowly. Then, he murmured in a strained voice.
“He is… receiving a punishment.”
“…Yes.”
Byeonguk lowered his gaze and affirmed.
“…….”
Ho-eun looked down at the sprawling garrison, gritting and then releasing his teeth. He himself wanted to tear off his own arm and attach it to Man-soo; how much worse must it be for Tae-muk? The precious lives of eighty dead men must be hanging heavily and clumsily upon his limbs. Perhaps it was more painful and agonizing than having one’s body torn apart by Devouring Ghouls.
Ho-eun let out a small sigh and brushed back the stray hairs fluttering in the wind. Byeonguk stepped closer, almost right in front of him.
“But the Captain can handle that. Because he is the Captain.”
“Pardon?”
“But I hope the Young Master does not feel such things as responsibility or guilt.”
“…….”
“They didn’t die because of you. They went knowing they might die, and they died while fighting Devouring Ghouls, while protecting the country.”
“But I stepped forward unnecessarily…”
“Yes. If the Young Master hadn’t killed that tentacle bastard, the Crimson Rain Brigade might have been annihilated.”
“…….”
Ho-eun swallowed hard. It was difficult to tell if Byeonguk’s words were a white lie born of consolation and consideration, or if they were sincere. And he himself didn’t know how he wanted to hear those words. He wanted to believe them, yet he didn’t.
“Do you… really think so?”
“Yes. I do. Therefore, rather than thinking ‘They died because of me,’ it would be more correct to think, ‘I saved those who remained.’”
“…….”
Ho-eun couldn’t give any answer. It was because he felt Byeonguk’s sincerity so strongly that his forearm tingled. The bridge of his nose stung. He hadn’t cried once since returning, but now he wanted to weep. However, unable to show tears in front of Byeonguk, he clenched his jaw tight.
“The weather is cold. Let us go.”
Byeonguk guided Ho-eun toward the house again. Ho-eun gave a short nod and began walking again. But before long, he had to stop once more. It was because of Tae-muk.
“Does the General always volunteer for such punishment whenever someone dies or is injured?”
Ho-eun was still worried about Tae-muk. He wondered if he had collapsed from the pain, if he was being bitten by Devouring Ghouls somewhere, or if he had lost his way; all sorts of worries crossed his mind.
Suddenly, the corners of Byeonguk’s mouth curled into a smile.
“Before, he had to be in pain regardless of his own will. Because the Young Master wasn’t here.”
“Ah…”
Ho-eun let out a small gasp. He had asked a foolish question. Back then, Tae-muk wouldn’t have had a choice about whether to be in pain or not. He must be out of his mind due to the fever. Just as he was about to say something with an awkward expression, Byeonguk spoke while staring into the air.
“That is why I think he came to view the pain as natural. Perhaps he even thought it was a relief to be in pain.”
“…….”
Ho-eun swallowed hard. Perhaps it was because his throat was scratchy from the Gobul. Just swallowing felt like he had swallowed a handful of needles, stinging his insides.
“Thank you for telling me.”
After offering a low word of thanks, Ho-eun headed toward the house with a strange expression. By the time he reached the courtyard of the house, his head was spinning. He felt nauseous, and his legs lacked strength. However, he didn’t feel like going inside to lie down.
Ho-eun turned and bowed to Byeonguk.
“Thank you for bringing me here. You must have a lot to do, so please go on.”
When Tae-muk was absent, Byeonguk was the leader here. Since Tae-muk had been missing for three full days, there must be many things for him to handle in his stead. He intended to send him away quickly and fight his own battle with his illness in his own way.
However, Byeonguk took a large step forward.
“I will leave after seeing you go inside.”
“…….”
Ho-eun stared blankly at Byeonguk. Then, he turned around and walked unsteadily toward the porch, sitting down as he spoke.
“Did the General ask you to look after me?”
“…….”
Byeonguk remained silent. It was a silence that signified affirmation. At that, Ho-eun smiled faintly.
Even while suffering from pain and guilt, Tae-muk had ordered him to keep watch… it was so frustrating, yet sad, pitiful, and aching.
“I’ll go in.”
Ho-eun obediently took off his shoes and stepped up onto the porch. He knew that if he stayed here, Byeonguk would have to stay as well. Everyone followed Tae-muk’s orders with their lives.
Opening the sliding paper door, Ho-eun greeted Byeonguk one last time before entering and closing the door.
The room was filled with warm heat. It was because of the brazier. Someone must have lit the fire in the meantime, as the floor was also toasty. This, too, must have been done by someone under Tae-muk’s orders.
“Haa…”
Ho-eun slowly sank down, leaning his back against the wall. Then, unable to withstand his aching body, he slid over and lay down. He should spread out the blanket. He should change his clothes. Various thoughts crossed his mind, but he couldn’t move his body. So, he did nothing and just stared blankly at the rafters embedded in the ceiling.
As he did so, he faintly heard the sound of Byeonguk’s footsteps leaving the courtyard.
“…….”
Listening to that sound, Ho-eun blinked slowly and soon fell fast asleep.
* * *
“…….”
Ho-eun woke up around dawn. The room, drenched in the characteristic deep blue light of dawn, felt pale and chilly.
Nothing in the room had changed. Ho-eun, too, was exactly as he had fallen asleep—without changing clothes or spreading the blanket. However, the brazier had gone out, and the room had cooled to a lukewarm temperature.
That meant Tae-muk had not returned today either. If he had come, he wouldn’t have left him sleeping crumpled up like this, nor would he have let the room grow cold. It seemed he hadn’t even set foot near the house.
It had now been four full days since he last saw Tae-muk. Four whole days.
Since becoming Tae-muk’s Bondmate, this was the first time he had gone this long without seeing him.
Ho-eun suddenly felt a surge of heat. It was a heat quite different from that of the Fever Sickness. Staggering to a sitting position, he glared fiercely into the empty air.
“Really…”
It’s too much. This is too much.
No matter how much it’s because of guilt, to leave me alone like this.
After calling me precious! After saying he would cherish me!
Ho-eun grit his teeth and then released them, clenched his fists tight and then let them go.