By Zephyria 
“I was really at a loss, being left alone with my younger brother at such a young age. It was hard enough to take care of my own path, but with a young brother… I could only think about wanting to run away.”
“….”
Min-ho continued speaking calmly, using formal language as if he were truly performing a confession. It was a flow he hadn’t expected at all, so he was flustered, but he kept his mouth shut and didn’t interrupt.
“There were many times I intentionally didn’t go home, and I ignored him even though I knew he was staring at me. It was burdensome for him to rely on me for everything, so there were times I intentionally didn’t respond when he spoke to me.”
“….”
“I needed a place to lean on too, so why was he being so burdensome, couldn’t we just live our own lives… I had those… wicked thoughts. Thinking about it now, I feel so sorry for my brother.”
An awkward laugh followed. Gyu-oh didn’t bother answering and just waited for the words to continue.
“My period of wandering was very long. By the time I snapped out of it, my brother had already grown up too much.”
He no longer followed him around calling him Oppa, Oppa, and instead of staring when Min-ho got ready to go out, he just did his own thing. He handled small things like getting parent’s signatures from school or paying fees without saying a word.
“Only then did I realize what I had done. Ji-ho was a kid who needed someone to lean on as much as I did, and I was the only one he had. We… only had each other.”
The people who drifted here each had their own unspeakable family histories. Gyu-oh wasn’t without his own tragic story, but he only had to endure it alone. He didn’t have the burden of taking responsibility for a younger brother’s life at a young age like Min-ho did. Moreover, that was a time before he had known Min-ho, so he couldn’t easily imagine how heavy Min-ho’s wandering had been.
“I woke up late, but my brother had already become accustomed to solving things alone, and he felt awkward even when I tried to help. That was clearly my mistake, and I wanted to make up for it, but I think it was too late to turn back.”
“….”
“That’s when I realized. For someone who couldn’t even take proper responsibility for his own blood… wasn’t it too selfish to lean on someone else and hope for stability…?”
Silence followed. There were occasional rustling sounds as if he were changing positions, but the story didn’t continue.
Just as Gyu-oh was about to open his lips to tell him there was no need to dig up painful memories, a low voice came from the other side again. It was a voice much more sunken than when he spoke of Ji-ho.
“But does a person’s personality change easily? Even after being hit hard, in my heart, I jumped to the conclusion that I’d changed enough.”
The formal language gradually shifted to a more comfortable tone. As if he were speaking to Gyu-oh sitting opposite him. The occasional swallowing of dry spit was a signal that Min-ho was suppressing his emotions.
“That’s why I couldn’t completely cut the string tied to that guy’s hand.”
“….”
That was the story of Jae-hyeok. The existence that had gripped Cha Min-ho’s nightmare. He knew the story of the accident, but this was the first time he was hearing it in detail from Min-ho’s own mouth. So, he moistened his parched lips and adjusted his posture. He wanted to look more closely into Min-ho’s nightmare.
“In the past, and then, it was all my mistake. Especially that one, it was too fatal.”
“You know it wasn’t your mistake, Hyung.”
If one were to question the sin, it was the person who wielded the weapon, and the one who must suffer the nightmare is the one who stabbed Jae-hyeok. Not Cha Min-ho, who had been tied to it.
“If I had just a little more responsibility, if I had known how to look around… I don’t think we would have been tied together like that.”
“I told you not to think like that.”
Despite the dissuasion, Min-ho struggled to continue. Gyu-oh started to rise, intending to cross over to the other side immediately. Then, a word came through telling him not to move.
“Just listen. You said this is a place where people just listen to everything.”
“….”
“I still have more to say.”
The strength left Gyu-oh’s hand, which had been gripping the confessional door handle.
…Does just speaking the things on your mind make it lighter?
Perhaps Cha Min-ho wanted to finally put down the burden he had carried inside all this time. Not a consolation that it wasn’t his fault or his blame, but perhaps he just needed someone to listen to the things piled up in his heart…
“Haa. How do these people just sit and listen to all of this?”
Gyu-oh let out a low sigh and grumbled as he sat back down. Then, as if waiting, the voice connected again.
“So I was worried. That I’d end up sweeping you away too, when I can’t even take responsibility. Like Ji-ho, like that bastard Jae-hyeok. I wondered what would happen if you changed because of me.”
“Hyung.”
In the narrow space, secrets that had never been openly shared with anyone, and would likely never be brought up again, were exchanged. Whether the power of the space truly existed, Min-ho pulled out the sincerity that had pooled at the very bottom.
No wonder it was so hard, swallowing such heavy emotions and living. Gyu-oh fiercely ruffled his hair, which he had tried to keep neatly organized.
“If you make me like that too, I’ll really have no right to sleep soundly.”
“….”
“This was actually a secret. But since you said this is a place where it’s okay to speak, I’m suddenly getting courage I didn’t have. Confidentiality is guaranteed, right?”
He had been arrogant, thinking he fully understood why Cha Min-ho drew lines and built walls. In truth, it seemed he had never properly looked into Cha Min-ho’s sincerity. It was the moment he finally faced the deeper and darker interior of Cha Min-ho, his inner thoughts that had hardened with fear and loneliness.
Faced with that, he couldn’t help but be courageous.
“Hyung, you’ve already changed me.”
“….”
This time, it was Min-ho who maintained the silence. As if locking eyes, Gyu-oh stared quietly through the thin wall.
“Like you, Hyung, I hated it when people relied on me, and I hated it when they got deeply involved in my life. Actually, I still do.”
“….”
“But I want Cha Min-ho to do it. Just as I wanted Ji-ho to do, lean on me.”
Haha, the sound of a low laugh resonated in his chest. He couldn’t tell if it was a tickle or an ache.
“I’ll keep pestering you so you don’t think ‘this is enough.’ I’ll demand more, tell you I need attention, so you’ll know for sure. You just have to give me that much. Not hard, right?”
The faint laughter subsided, and soon the surroundings were dyed in silence. In the stifling space where voices didn’t even echo, only the breathing of the two people lingered.
“Strange. Doesn’t it feel like we’re a really good match like this?”
“I’ve heard we’re birds of a feather for a long time. Why the sudden realization?”
Both had crooked and deviant parts, and those parts fit together miraculously well. No wonder they got along so well. It was almost to the point where he wondered if the whole world had been pushing him to take Cha Min-ho all along, and Won Gyu-oh had just been slow to realize it.
“I feel relieved since you put it that way. Shamelessly.”
“Between us, we don’t need things like shame. Since when did I ever live by that with you, Hyung?”
“True.”
A refreshing laugh followed at the end.
The fact that he didn’t even pretend to disagree, and that even that looked cute, was a problem. In truth, he had suspected that Hyung might have accepted him reluctantly. This was the moment all those doubts became embarrassing. Cha Min-ho’s decision to lean on Won Gyu-oh must have been the result of enduring everything from his past and making a choice.
“You do the same, Hyung. Life is hard enough, why worry about things like that?”
“Gyu-oh.”
Just calling his name made him feel as if his breath had been cut off. His mind went blank to the point where he momentarily forgot how to blink or how to inhale. Perhaps it was because of the countless, immeasurable emotions contained in that name.
“…Yeah.”
“Actually, I regretted telling you that I was seeing a man, and I regretted saying that crazy thing about sleeping together…”
Gulp. I swallowed dry spit without realizing it. The sound of the saliva sliding down was unusually loud, but it didn’t matter. Hearing this, Cha Min-ho might look at me with a bit of pity.
“I think it was the right thing to do. I would’ve felt cheated if I hadn’t. I think it would’ve hurt my pride if you’d just slipped away to someone else.”
“Right? I’m the kind of style that’s too precious to give away to others, don’t you think?”
Min-ho burst into laughter at my words. Then, he covered his mouth, as if he felt he had laughed too loudly.
I wanted to see that cute sight with my own eyes. But if I rushed out and hugged him now, the rumors would spread so far that even the cathedral couldn’t shield us. Clinging to someone while failing to do one’s job properly was exactly the kind of thing Hyung hated, so I had to know how to endure. I clenched my fists until my knuckles turned white, kept my mouth shut, and took a deep breath.
“How do I end this? Should I just do what’s written here?”
“Forget it, just go. There are no priests here.”
“Please forgive all the remaining sins that I have not been able to uncover outside of this.”
Unlike when he first entered, his voice sounded incredibly light. It was a tone rarely heard from Min-ho, who always seemed exhausted and worn down by fatigue. It seemed Cha Min-ho really intended to leave everything behind here. So that we could move forward together with lighter steps.
“Later.”
After Min-ho left so abruptly, I hesitated several times. I had just vowed to hold out, but the greed to meet Min-ho’s eyes and grasp his body temperature would not easily subside. I wanted to imprint his relieved face in my mind, but then again, he would hate it if I neglected my work.
I fidgeted with my phone, my legs shaking. Should I call him? I thought I had become relatively calm after my relationship with Hyung was clearly established. Right now, I was the very definition of an anxious person. Just as I was chewing my thumb and staring intently at the closed door…
Slide. The door opened. The anxiety clouding Gyu-oh’s face evaporated in an instant.