By Zephyria 
His wide-open eyes are bloodshot. Eyes clouded with anger don’t blink even once, and dull tears fall straight down without tracing his cheeks.
Kwon Young-je approached and carefully peeled Hui-won away. He also removed the glass shard from his right hand and covered the wound with a handkerchief.
Even if Hui-won had stabbed Kwon Young-ho, he would have willingly handled it within his own limits. He had left him be, hoping he would vent his anger as much as he wanted.
But Kim Hui-won’s nature isn’t cruel enough; even while pouring out his rage, he injures himself. Watching that was even more agonizing.
He grabbed Kwon Young-ho by the collar, which was stuck to the floor as if he were trash, and dragged him out.
After throwing the bastard outside the room, the other family members waiting anxiously in the hallway all stood up at once and looked at Kwon Young-je. It was because the sound of Hui-won’s choked, furious voice from inside was unsettling.
“Please, everyone, go home. I’ll… contact you all later.”
“Wait, can we just see Hui-won’s face for a moment to see if he’s okay?”
Hui-won’s parents pleaded desperately as they approached, but Kwon Young-je shook his head firmly.
“I’m sorry, Mother. Please give us some time.”
He left a polite bow and turned away. As he slid the door shut, he saw Hui-won slumped on the messy hospital room floor. His dazed appearance was almost too difficult to look at.
Pushing aside the scattered flowers and glass fragments, he approached him. Kwon Young-je slid his arms deep under Hui-won’s armpits and embraced his limp body. The chests pressed together were trembling. The body that couldn’t dissipate its anger was burning hot like someone with a fever.
“You can cry out loud. It’s just me.”
At those words, Hui-won let out the tears he had been holding back. He grabbed Kwon Young-je’s collar and cried until he was breathless. Once the floodgates opened, they were uncontrollable, and Hui-won floundered endlessly in an inescapable sorrow.
The wretched sound of crying showed no sign of subsiding. They had named her ‘Yeoro’ hoping she would come to them after a full ten months, but the child had set off on a long journey alone.
He hadn’t realized the words from the dream, saying she wouldn’t be born, meant this. The sense of loss digging into his chest and the guilt of not being able to protect her intertwined, gradually staining his heart numb.
Every time Hui-won’s shoulders shook, Kwon Young-je’s insides felt torn apart. He gritted his teeth, knowing he couldn’t crumble too, but the trembling transmitted through his fingertips made him feel helplessly devastated.
He slowly slid his fingers through Hui-won’s damp hair. Pressing his cheek against the feverish forehead, he held his breath quietly.
He could only hope it could be shaken off. To do that, it all had to be poured out now. So that those left behind could stand up again.
*
For the first time since joining the company, Kwon Young-je took leave and stayed faithfully by Hui-won’s side for over two weeks.
As if determined, he kept his phone completely off and personally attended to Hui-won, whose body and mind had grown weak, to help him. Even though he could now move around fairly comfortably, he still tried to take care of even the smallest details.
‘How are you feeling today?’
‘Shall we go out for a walk? Isn’t it stifling being inside all the time?’
His serious eyes always watched Hui-won like a child placed at the water’s edge. Checking if he wasn’t getting depressed, if he wasn’t sinking into sadness. Whenever the silence grew long, he would invariably start a conversation, blocking Hui-won from getting lost in other thoughts.
Even though there were caregivers, it seemed he wouldn’t be satisfied unless he did everything with his own hands. Even now, the snip-snip sound of trimming nails echoed through the quiet hospital room.
Hui-won gazed down at Kwon Young-je trimming his nails and quietly sank into thought. Sensing something, he slowly looked up.
The eyes that met his were, as always, wavering. Outwardly, he always seemed like a solid person, but it was clear he was inwardly anxious. The source of Kwon Young-je’s anxiety was none other than himself.
“Why.”
“How long did you take leave for?”
“You don’t need to worry about it.”
He neatly folded the wet wipes he had laid out. His movements tidying up were quick and without fuss. Hui-won quietly brushed his bangs aside. At the meaningful touch, Kwon Young-je flinched.
“You can stop doing things like this. I’m okay now.”
“……”
“Let’s go home.”
Hui-won managed a clumsy smile. He had resolved to pull himself together, if for Kwon Young-je’s sake. It wouldn’t be easy, but he had to overcome it. He couldn’t remain buried in gloomy feelings forever.
Soon after, they completed the discharge procedures and returned home. Even during their absence, the housekeeper had kept the house well-maintained, so there was no sense of it being empty.
Entering the familiar space made his heart feel complicated. Perhaps it was because nothing had changed at all. Hui-won stood in a corner of the living room and quietly looked around the house.
Of all places, the baby’s room was within sight. He had vowed not to be sad, but seeing it now, his breath caught in his throat. What if he already felt like this…?
Hui-won rubbed his flushed face and repeated his resolve to himself several times.
At that moment, a warm warmth pressed against his back from behind. Kwon Young-je silently wrapped his arms around his shoulders. It was a quick-witted attempt to divert Hui-won’s attention elsewhere.
“Are you hungry? Want to eat something?”
“No, before that, let’s go to the salon first.”
Hui-won took a deep breath that filled his chest, then turned around. Facing Kwon Young-je with a much more relieved expression than before, he carefully examined his appearance.
“Your hair has grown out already. You can’t go to work looking like this.”
“……”
“Just make the reservation for me. I’ll shower and come out.”
He spoke in a voice he thought was no different from usual. He might still be awkward at smiling, but he wanted to show he was trying. Fortunately, Kwon Young-je quickly realized Hui-won was making an effort to return to normal life. He also responded with a bitter smile.
“Alright, let’s do that.”
The bandage was off, and the wound was also almost healed. Only a large bandage now remained beside Hui-won’s eye.
Today is the last day of Kwon Young-je’s leave. After spending time meaninglessly, Hui-won made a big decision.
“Let’s clean out Yeoro’s room.”
Kwon Young-je offered no objection to this. Only a worried gaze followed.
“Why don’t you have someone else do it?”
“We have to do it. That’s how it ends.”
Clearing away the child’s traces was the final remaining task, a hurdle they absolutely had to overcome. It seemed that only by doing it with their own hands could they shake off all the lingering regrets.
Opening the door, the interior decorated with cute little things greeted them. It was a space they had personally chosen and decorated, each piece of furniture and lighting, amidst their busy schedules. Hui-won quickly scanned the room and took a long, steadying breath. It was more bearable than he thought.
Opening the beige wardrobe, he began taking out the baby items neatly arranged inside. There were piles of things with tags still attached, but he transferred them all into boxes.
“What a waste. They’ve never been used.”
“……”
“But it’s also awkward to give them to anyone. It’s better to just throw them away, right?”
Kwon Young-je, who had been disassembling the bed beside him, put down his hands and silently observed Hui-won’s face. Apart from a slightly pale aura, Hui-won’s cheeks were dry. He seemed like someone who had attained detachment.
It wasn’t that they hadn’t talked about Yeoro at all while staying at home after discharge. Parenting books were placed here and there in the house, and sometimes toys would unexpectedly pop up.
When suddenly confronted with traces of the child, the two would bury their sadness deep inside and deliberately talk more. It was a process of practice.
While they were busily moving their hands again, the housekeeper knocked on the half-open door. She had come to lend a hand too.
The middle-aged woman was momentarily speechless as she looked at the baby room, now in disarray. Seeing everything going into disposal boxes seemed quite pitiful, as her eyebrows drooped in a frown.
“…Are you really throwing it all away? If you keep them, there might come a day when you can use them again.”
“Seeing them just makes my heart ache.”
Hui-won smiled faintly. At the calm reply, the housekeeper bowed her head, apologizing for her indiscretion.
“Don’t worry, we’ll do it.”
Hui-won effortlessly lifted a heavy box and moved it. Since it was just a space of about 100 square feet, the two of them could finish this quickly.
Small furniture and even smaller items were quickly sorted. When disassembling things they had put together with excitement, there were thumping, pounding, and cracking noises.
By the time they had moved all the accumulated waste outside, the nape of his neck was drenched in sweat. The once cozy, pretty room now only had its pink wallpaper left.
Hui-won slumped down weakly and took in the wallpaper for a while. With it finished, the sense of emptiness was indescribable.
“Maybe… we should just move.”
Whenever he opened this room in the future, he might sink into similar feelings. Objects can be thrown away, but the sense of loss isn’t easily erased. Wouldn’t it be too painful to keep experiencing this?
“Do as you wish. I don’t mind.”
Kwon Young-je pulled Hui-won’s hand and quietly held him in his embrace. Both their bodies, damp with sweat, felt clammy and warm where they touched.
“Whatever decision you make, I’ll follow your lead. But promise me you’ll do everything with me.”
Hui-won laughed weakly. Reaching out, he gently stroked Kwon Young-je’s shortened hair at the back.
“You’re liking me more and more, Kwon Young-je.”
Even at the clumsy joke, he didn’t laugh. Instead, he tightened his embrace around his waist. The sigh he let out heavily dampened Hui-won’s nape.
“Hui-won.”
“Yeah.”
“You can cry if you want to.”
“……”
“When it’s hard, you can pour it out. I’ll take it all, so don’t hold back.”
At those words, Hui-won’s chest heaved greatly. A long breath poured out as if expelling the stifling lump he had been holding. But instead of shedding tears, he only held Kwon Young-je’s shoulders tightly. He had resolved not to cry carelessly anymore.
“Is my comfort not reliable enough?”
“No, you’re doing better than I thought.”
Holding each other and exchanging a few words quickly diluted the gloomy mood. Hui-won stroked the other’s firm nape and blinked his slightly moist eyelids.
“We’ll be okay.”
If they endure, the day will come when it dulls. Time will solve everything.
Whether it takes a month or several years, as long as we’re together, we can endure, right? He believed that without a doubt.