#65

At first, it was simply a desire to poke a hole in a balloon that was inflating to its limit. His chest felt tight. So incredibly tight. It felt as if the whole world had filled with water, and he was barely clinging to life, gasping for air with his nose just barely touching the ceiling.

I can do everything for you—literally everything possible—so why won’t you lean on me?

Sitting slanted on the edge of the bathtub, he looked down at his thigh. The old wounds, already healed, had sprouted white new skin. Once he self-harmed, Tennessee would certainly find out. Contrary to his easygoing tastes, he was a man of keen and sharp senses. He was someone who could detect even the slightest lie immediately… yet Amber couldn’t stop, even knowing that.

Even Amber himself didn’t know why he self-harmed. Since there wasn’t a single clear solution for him and his surroundings were always uncertain, Amber had grown accustomed to his own lack of understanding regarding himself and his environment. Regardless, one thing was certain: he felt an intense impulse.

And just as Amber expected, Tennessee keenly noticed his abnormality.

* * *

“Amber.”

“Yes?”

Tennessee, who had been making a salad, scanned Amber from head to toe. Water continued to pour, but Tennessee stopped his hands. In the silence, only the loud sound of pouring water echoed.

“Take off your pants.”

When Amber hesitated, Tennessee turned off the water.

“Let me see.”

“…I.”

His hesitating attitude served as the answer. Water droplets fell with a tap tap. Drying his wet hands, Tennessee placed the salad bowl on the counter.

“Are you angry?”

Without a word, Tennessee led Amber to the bedroom. His expression was grim, but there was no force in the hand holding Amber.

Tennessee pulled up the edge of Amber’s drawers to expose the flesh of his thigh. A laceration, with a scab just beginning to harden, was revealed. Tennessee’s lips pressed firmly together. He compared the white, old self-harm scars with the current wound. The recent one was more vicious and larger.

“…Should we look into counseling?”

At Tennessee’s low murmur, Amber tilted his head.

“You know I hate that kind of thing.”

Before breaking up with Tennessee, shortly after his reunion with Huston, Amber had undergone counseling. At first, it was good. The famous counselor recommended by Elizabeth’s colleague was kind and occasionally provided perspectives Amber hadn’t considered.

But how much time had passed? Not long after the counseling progressed, the discomfort Amber felt gradually grew. Whenever Tennessee was mentioned, or whenever the conversation turned to Huston or the memories that formed his fundamental essence, Amber faced an unbearable discomfort. He lied to Elizabeth about not wanting to go, and sometimes he lashed out.

He tried following Elizabeth’s suggestion to try a different place, but it didn’t work. After the sessions ended, he felt self-reproach instead. His heart didn’t feel clear.

I wish someone would just stop teasing me and give me an answer. Why am I like this, why was it me out of so many children, why did he have to be like that, why can’t I assimilate into a perfect life. Things like that.

It felt as if someone were rummaging through his head and forcibly opening a deeply hidden box. For Amber, who struggled to trust others and always kept his distance, counseling was no different from drinking juice offered by a stranger. No one knew if it contained poison, medicine, or if it was just ordinary juice. Normally, he would have knocked the glass away immediately.

Amber pushed Tennessee’s hand away. It was a soft but firm rejection.

“What about you, Tennessee?”

Finding the contradiction in his own words, Tennessee closed his slightly parted lips.

“You’re struggling too.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Then you can’t force me either.”

“…That’s true.”

Tennessee’s answer was concise, but both were aware of the uncomfortable emotion lingering in that response.

“Don’t say it like that. We could at least try.”

Though his tone was like a plea, he couldn’t stop his voice from gradually rising.

“Can’t you try just once? Even for just one month.”

“I don’t want to.”

The answer came out more firmly than necessary. He set his resolve as solid as a wall.

“Why?”

Why won’t you? Tennessee began to doubt if Amber was even thinking before he spoke. Emotion slowly began to seep into his voice, which had been calm throughout.

“What do you mean why? Don’t ask something so obvious.”

“How is that obvious? Don’t be like that, just for one month with me—”

“You don’t need to worry about me. As for your problem… let’s look for another way.”

“I don’t need to worry about you…?”

Before they knew it, both Amber and Tennessee were standing.

Amber tried his best to lower his voice, but it didn’t work. Despite both of them having lost their composure, there wasn’t a hint of change in Tennessee’s expression, and Amber felt that his overly calm demeanor was almost inhuman. Emotion is natural, yet Tennessee tried to erase his humanity by any means. As if he believed that emotion would return like a boomerang and drive a blade into his neck.

“If you were me, Tennessee, would you have just trusted and left it to be handled? With a mindset like, ‘he’ll figure it out on his own’?”

“I didn’t tell you to ignore it.”

Amber struggled to lower his voice. However, it wasn’t easy because Tennessee kept drawing out his anger, even if that wasn’t Tennessee’s intention.

“If it’s too hard, it might be good to go back to Michigan for a while. I’ll give you the key to this house…”

Amber bit his lip, feeling as if a surge of passion was about to erupt. After a brief deep breath, he was finally able to speak calmly.

“In your head, is there no option where we solve the problem together?”

The shadow cast by past frustrations grew larger. Something massive enough to cover the entire plain rose up. A monster. It was the same monster Amber had faced before.

28 – Chapter

“Have you always just shifted the blame and thrown things away whenever a problem arose? Believing that if it’s out of sight for a while, it’ll eventually return to normal?”

“I said that for your sake—”

“Tennessee.”

Amber called him, gathering every last bit of his patience.

“Did it ever occur to you to try and fix me?”

Feeling a simultaneous surge of frustration and resentment, Amber struggled to maintain his composure. He told himself he must not unilaterally demand emotions or solutions from Tennessee.

“I’m asking if you ever once thought about fixing me when you felt I was broken. You didn’t, did you? Because you always pushed it off… You left me to Megan, you left me to Elizabeth and David; every single time, you just handed me off. When a problem occurs, you pass me off to someone else, and once I’m patched up—even if only temporarily—you use me again until I break once more.”

For the first time, the composure on Tennessee’s face shattered.

“Do you have to put it like that? At the time, that was the best choice.”

“…The best? Was it the best for me, too?”

“Fix you?”

Tennessee’s voice rose. It was the first time Amber had seen him lose his cool, but he wasn’t intimidated in the least.

“Look at the state of me every night! Do you think I have the luxury to fix anything?!”

Tennessee did not understand Amber’s anger. In his own way, it had been a form of consideration. He believed that if Amber didn’t have to see him like this, he might be less hurt.

When he had opened his eyes after letting out an unconscious groan, Amber had a peaceful and gentle expression, like the night sky. Even though the corners of his mouth were twitching as if he were about to collapse, he was clearly striving to be a steadfast pillar.

Paradoxically, that was why Tennessee feared every day. He feared that one day Amber would look at him with a face etched with exhaustion and smile; that he would mutter how it was a relief while leaning in for warmth, only to let out a weary sigh. He feared Amber would grow tired. And if he grew tired, eventually…

Tennessee had never felt such guilt and indebtedness.

Having placed such a burden on Amber, how could he possibly lean on him?

Tennessee quickly regained his reason. After a few deep breaths, his ragged voice calmed.

“Go to Michigan for a while. It’ll be better to rest at home than here.”

“Please!”

Amber felt as if he couldn’t breathe from the sheer frustration.

“Stop sending me away! What about me?! Stop discarding me like a piece of luggage!”

“Do you think I’m sending you away without feeling anything?”

Amber tried to understand Tennessee’s shame and pride. However, Amber knew what lay behind it—beyond the mirror, beyond the shimmering surface of the water.

“Amber, I’m trying, but—”

“Trying? You aren’t making the slightest effort. Not even a little.”

He knew he could never fully understand him. Despite knowing he was overstepping, Amber couldn’t stop. The truth, which he had been glimpsing all along but had never been able to drag out, finally took shape.

“You believe you don’t deserve to be happy.”

He believes he is unworthy. Because he committed a sin too great, he believes he cannot even aspire to repentance, and so he evades.

Tennessee rubbed his forehead roughly.

“I know very well that you aren’t a hero or a great man. You’d kill someone without hesitation if necessary… but why are you so cruel to yourself?”

“Don’t talk nonsense.”

“If dismissing it makes you feel better, go ahead. You’ve always done nothing but run away anyway.”

Amber did not hold back.

“Run, run, run. That’s all you’ve ever done.”

“Watch your mouth.”

“If that’s not true, then refute it.”

Tennessee opened his lips to spit out a harsh retort. But just as the words reached the tip of his throat—

“…”

Tennessee couldn’t speak.

Until he met Amber, the standards of Tennessee’s life had always been subjective. He conducted his own trials to a level that wouldn’t drive him to total ruin. However, after meeting Amber, those flexible standards suddenly became strict, leaving no room for error. A gap opened between the version of himself that Amber saw and the version Tennessee saw. The disparity only grew.

“You’ve spent your whole life running, yet you can’t run away when it actually matters. You’re a coward who can’t even flee, so you chose to completely change your face out of guilt. You’re always looking for an excuse; I’ve never met a cruel liar like you.”

Contrary to the sharp words, Amber’s tone was surprisingly calm. Tennessee sensed that Amber had been waiting for this moment—the moment to lay out this humiliation and shame in full detail.

He was backed into a corner.

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