#61

As they lived together, Amber was gradually learning more about Tennessee. He had thought he knew more about him than others because they had known each other for a long time, but Amber learned something new every day—to the point where that misconception felt laughable.

Tennessee liked Mexican food, but he preferred the mac and cheese Amber made for him over tacos bought from a restaurant. It might have been a matter of sincerity, but it seemed as though his taste had been tamed, as his fork naturally gravitated toward it.

He didn’t like sugary sodas or sweet tea, but he drank sparkling water as if it were plain water. When asked if he wanted dessert, he would always shake his head, yet he would eat it without a word if Amber plated it for him. He ate ice cream more often than fudges or brownies, and he preferred cheese dip over salsa for his chips. Because the differences were so minute, Tennessee would eat whatever was given to him, but to Amber, who was always keenly observing him, those faint differences in preference were vivid.

“You don’t have to do this every time.”

Tennessee spoke as Amber brought out a peach cobbler.

How kind, Amber thought sincerely. Although Amber was completely infatuated with his lover, it didn’t mean he lacked a sense of reality. He had a fairly accurate grasp of Tennessee as a villain among villains, but in that moment, he truly thought he was kind.

In Amber’s eyes, Tennessee sometimes viewed his efforts as a sacrifice and harbored a faint sense of indebtedness.

Amber didn’t feel as though he was losing out or sacrificing anything in the slightest. That was greed, and it was a cunning touch. Amber wanted to naturally permeate his life, to seep deep into his core so that even if he came to his senses later, he wouldn’t be able to tear him away.

That was why Amber felt such immense pleasure seeing Tennessee’s palate become accustomed to his food, seeing him accept his touch as if it were only natural, and seeing his gaze instinctively wander toward him whenever he looked at the now-empty house.

“How is it?”

“It’s fine.”

Tennessee’s “fine” meant it tasted good. Amber watched with a bright smile as he finished a plate of cobbler. Becoming a top-tier husband to Tennessee was one of Amber’s earnest desires.

As Amber went to place the empty plate in the sink, Tennessee stood up, shaking his head. Just as Amber was about to say I’ll do it, Tennessee’s head lightly brushed against Amber’s. While Amber stood there dazed for a moment, Tennessee silently finished the cleanup and turned on the sink faucet.

Against the backdrop of the rushing water, Amber asked.

“Do you want to go downtown today?”

The faint, rhythmic sound of a brush scrubbing a plate could be heard.

“Why?”

“Just because.”

Tennessee was not a man who moved without a reason.

After neatly placing the plates in the dishwasher, Tennessee dried his wet hands. Amber sat with his chin in his hand, anticipating the answer.

“Sure.”

He was truly indulgent toward him. It was only natural. He was his lover, after all.

* * *

However, his lover did not overlook everything.

“Get away.”

“Why?”

“I said get away.”

It happened while they were walking along the Chicago River. Something had occurred to Amber. He pressed close to Tennessee, who was walking a couple of steps ahead, and hugged him from behind. Tennessee tolerated that much. However, the moment Amber rested his chin on top of Tennessee’s head, he spoke.

Finally!

Resting his chin atop that neat hair, Amber felt as if he could hear a military band playing behind him. His wish to one day grow taller than him and rest his chin on his head had been fulfilled. It was the moment a checkmark was placed on one of the items on Amber’s bucket list.

And though Tennessee didn’t know it, Amber’s bucket list contained hundreds of items, and more than half of them were quite sinister.

“Get your head off me.”

Tennessee’s voice turned grim, and Amber reluctantly pulled away. At least he had achieved one wish, so it was a win.

Walking behind Tennessee, Amber gazed at the night view unfolding beside them. Even as the sun set and the darkness deepened, Chicago did not go out. When the sun falls, a new radiance rises in Chicago. The bustling city, the inextinguishable vitality, the city lights blooming like bellflowers. It was a night view of Chicago that had now become familiar.

Becoming accustomed to wonder was a luxury of a new sensation. Amber hoped to become accustomed to the wonder of his relationship with him. Just as he became familiar to Tennessee, a life where they naturally intertwined their fingers and naturally leaned on one another.

“Amber.”

Amber, whose pace had slowed while looking at the night view, snapped out of his reverie. Tennessee, whom he thought had walked far ahead, was waiting for him.

“Yes, Tennessee.”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing, let’s go.”

Amber quickened his pace. Upon reaching him, he cautiously grabbed his wrist.

Can I hold his hand? Can I kiss him? Will he allow it? He couldn’t tell if it was permissible. Amber knew exactly where the line was that should not be crossed, but since they had become lovers, he was seized by the greed to crush that boundary. No, he wanted to pull that thin line taut until it snapped.

“Can I… kiss you?”

Amber didn’t give Tennessee the luxury of closing his eyes. For Amber, a clear answer was still a luxury, almost a bluff. Tennessee might say no, but since he was a man who generously forgave even when that refusal was trampled, it was easier not to hear the refusal at all.

The pleading from a few days ago had been Amber’s boldest gamble.

Closing his eyelids as if snowflakes were falling, Amber gently lowered his head. It felt like a butterfly landing.

The kiss lasted only two seconds, but it was undeniably a magical moment.

Unknowingly, Amber let out a trembling breath and opened his eyes. It was time to wake from the magic.

However, even after opening his eyes, even as the vanished noise rushed back like a wave and the reality of the sleepless city pierced his vision, the magic did not break.

He was living inside a miracle.

“Satisfied?”

A stray hair lightly brushed his forehead in the cold wind. Tennessee asked, his strong, masculine brow arching. Speechless, Amber barely managed to nod.

“What about you, Tennessee?”

Holding onto Tennessee as he tried to turn away, Amber asked.

And you? What do you think? How do you feel? Do you feel this way too? Are you so happy that it’s actually frightening? Are you happy and anxious at the same time?

“Answer me, Tennessee. Are you happy?”

Tennessee, who hadn’t expected such a question to be thrown at him so abruptly, looked momentarily flustered. His usually smooth, moist lips closed, and his gaze, scanning Amber carefully, drifted to the upper left and then dropped to the lower right.

“Tennessee, answer me.”

Just as he was about to open his mouth, a group of men bumped into Amber’s shoulder from behind with a loud clamor. Ah. As Amber was pushed back a step, he thought he heard something.

“It’s strange. Like I don’t know if it’s okay for things to be like this.”

Before he knew it, Tennessee was standing in front of Amber.

“……That’s enough.”

“Don’t try so hard with a face that says it’s not nearly enough.”

Did I not hide it well? Amber rubbed his eyes.

“Let’s go back.”

“……Yes, Tennessee.”

Along with the answer, Amber gripped Tennessee’s wrist. He didn’t refuse, but even if he did, Amber held on so that he couldn’t slip away. Tennessee willingly accepted that indulgence.

Upon returning home, Tennessee naturally yawned. He was inwardly surprised when he checked the clock. It was already past midnight. They had only gone downtown for dinner and walked a bit, yet so much time had passed.

“Are you going to sleep?”

When Amber asked behind Tennessee as he headed toward the bathroom, he gave a concise “Yeah.”

“Can I… sleep there today?”

Tennessee’s hand, holding the toothbrush, paused. Though he couldn’t see him because it was the bathroom, Amber added as if he had noticed Tennessee’s agitation.

“I want to be in bed with you. You can tie my hands if you want.”

“Forget it.”

“Please let me stroke your hair while we sleep.”

He wasn’t asking for his own hair to be stroked. He was asking to be allowed to stroke it. Tennessee replied firmly with a faint smile.

“No.”

“I’m sorry, it was too sudden, wasn’t it?”

As Tennessee put the toothbrush in his mouth, Amber’s voice drifted in from the hallway in front of the bathroom, accompanied by the sound of footsteps.

Tennessee found it absurd whenever Amber treated him like a timid meerkat. He didn’t know whether to be offended or simply not respond.

“Was I too pushy?”

This was it. Tennessee found that whenever Amber lowered himself like this, the trick was obvious, yet he found himself falling for it every single time. And whenever Amber pretended to be pitiful and naive, Tennessee realized instead just how mature he had become.

The old Amber was a child who couldn’t stand the urge to be an adult, constantly anxious and conscious of how others saw him, fearing he might look too young. It had been Amber’s Achilles’ heel.

But now, Amber unhesitatingly packaged himself as weak and innocent. As if he knew all too well that no matter how hard he tried, Tennessee could never see him as a child again.

Cunning and wicked.

Spitting out toothpaste foam, Tennessee opened the door.

Sure enough, Amber’s eyes were drooping pitifully.

“Just for today.”

The corners of Amber’s mouth curved smoothly, and his face brightened. It was a smile that seemed to know the nature of that harmless poison—one that had thorns but broke easily.