By Zephyria 
Why is he making such a fuss now? God’s shell, which even looked desperate, just felt disgusting. The image of the always relaxed and composed God overlapped with the tense jaw muscles. He even appeared at my bedside while I was in bed with Adrian, Carlisle, or Kyle. Looking at me, who was begging for a shred of jealousy, as if he felt sorry for me. Seeing him obsessing over such dirty physical relationships, I realized that human nature is inevitable. When will my beautiful Young-won be able to understand me? Every time I faced him clicking his tongue with a benevolent voice, a sense of humiliation washed over me, tearing at my brain.
He loved me.
Since that was the destiny determined between us, he must have loved me as I loved him. I wasn’t even denying that fact.
However, there was an impossibly wide river between the affection I needed and the love of God looking at a mere creation.
“…Interesting.”
“What’s interesting?”
His voice was anxious. Something that the first me could never have dared to hope to hear.
“I’m the only one you can’t spy on, right? You could spy on Andrew, couldn’t you? You’re not really asking me this because you don’t know what Andrew and I did last night, are you?”
It’s not that I became particularly weak for Andrew, who knelt before me and begged for affection. It’s just that I understood that desperate and earnest attitude of gratefully accepting even a drop of affection… more desperately than anyone else. I even understood how much his heart must have been breaking. So, I had no choice but to accept him.
Although it’s not the case now, God is also to blame for drawing into my bed someone who was clearly my brother in the past.
While burying my face in Andrew’s neck and overlapping my lips with his rough lips, I kept thinking. You’re probably watching this too. I was already curious about your feelings… I didn’t even have to ask, and you came to me on your own. It saved me the trouble of having to go to you.
“You… you…”
A resentful breath heaved. Surprisingly, he was imitating a pure lover who had been betrayed.
“Say it’s not true right now.”
Then he just stubbornly insisted. He wanted me to admit that sleeping with Andrew was a meaningless act. He said he knew I was just trying to provoke him, so I could abandon Andrew anytime, and that I didn’t love him or have any affection for him. He grabbed my shoulders tightly, painfully.
“It’s not hard to say it.”
“…Noah.”
“If saying it will be good for your mental health, I’ll say it as many times as you want. Andrew is nothing, and I only brought him in for a moment to provoke you. Ah, Carlisle and Adrian were also just used because of the bet, and they have no meaning at all.”
It was strange. He asked me to say it, and I was tired of arguing, so I obediently rattled off what he wanted to hear, but the more I spoke, the more strangely his expression distorted.
He probably already knew. That I couldn’t turn back my heart, which had already been tilted a long time ago, just by uttering words I didn’t mean.
How could he not have noticed? He can’t manipulate my mind anymore.
After taking on a human body and having a relationship with me, Allen clearly wanted to exercise exclusive rights over my body and the relationships I had with it. Just like the dirty and low-level human desires that he had so ridiculed.
Still, he must have consoled himself that Carlisle and Adrian were only for winning the bet… But he couldn’t bear the thought of me embracing even Andrew, who had no connection to him, as he said.
The jealousy of God, which I had so wanted to receive, was so crude and insignificant.
I pitied Adrian, and I gained peace from Carlisle and Andrew. And what about Kyle and Lennox, who were like my most powerful swords?
As of yet, it was difficult to say that I truly ‘loved’ any of those five Alphas. I knew well, having experienced ruining my life in a pit of fire-like love.
But if you ask if there’s no possibility of developing into love in my feelings for them… then the answer is different.
God, who knows me better than anyone else, even though he can no longer dissect and look into my mind, can’t not know that. That’s why he’s trying to lash out like that now.
“Hate me. Yes, you can even hate me. It’s all okay. Huh? Noah, after all, you hated me because you loved me. You loved me so much that you were angry that I wouldn’t stay by your side… You went crazy because of me not loving you in a human way.”
He knew so well. A scoff burst out involuntarily. I felt sorry and pathetic for the first me, who had begged for love from such a being.
“Stop playing these games. It’s not funny at all.”
He knew that stubbornly insisting wouldn’t solve the problem, but he foolishly persisted and raised his voice. The gaze glaring at me was quite fierce. I leisurely lifted my chin and met his gaze head-on. “Does it seem like a game?” I asked lightly, and his eyes became even sharper.
“Is this… the emotion of being angry? If so, congratulations, Noah. In all the years I reigned as God, you’re the first to make me this angry.”
“I wonder. Should I be honored?”
“I want to kill you. That presumptuous hand that dared to touch what’s mine, and those insolent lips. I want to tear apart everything that has penetrated you and trample it mercilessly without a trace.”
He spoke angrily, as if he had done a great favor by tolerating Adrian and Carlisle until now.
“You don’t want to kill me?”
“How could I want to kill you? My Young-won.”
Don’t try to ruin the eternity we have together anymore, please. His expression, backlit by the pouring sunlight, was even darker and shadowed. Haha, I wanted to laugh. Wasn’t he tired of that eternity nonsense? He really couldn’t come to his senses.
“Are you suffering?”
“Yes. Like my heart is burning up.”
“Remember that feeling you’re feeling right now clearly. Engrave that pain in every corner of your body. That’s what jealousy is. What you should have felt for me a long time ago.”
“……This.”
His haggard appearance wasn’t particularly satisfying. I was starting to get tired of facing him.
I straightened out Adrian’s crumpled letter with the side of my hand and tapped his limp shoulder. Each time the fairly thick piece of paper tapped his shoulder indifferently, he staggered back as if he had received some great attack.
“Why can’t you understand what I’m saying?”
“Noah…”
“I told you I don’t love you anymore. Hatred or resentment… I’m just too lazy to have those feelings now. What I want is to escape from you forever.”
“……”
“To borrow your expression, yes, ‘eternally’.”
The tea time I was going to have was ruined before it even started. Since he was frozen like a stone and didn’t seem to want to move, I got up first.
On the way back to my room, I ran into Nicole, who was pushing a tray filled with cakes and desserts.
“Huh? Didn’t you say you were going to eat in the garden?”
“There’s an unwelcome face standing there. I’ll just eat in my room.”
Nicole stretched her neck out for a moment and looked at the window in the hallway leading to the garden, then quickly spotted Allen’s head and followed me closely, saying I made a good choice. Anyway, Nicole’s dislike of Allen is consistent.
The tea leaves that Adrian had personally chosen and bestowed upon me were fragrant as always, and the letter, which he had carefully written despite being busy, was thoughtful.
Even though it had been a long time since I had actually closed my eyes, Adrian was only worried about my condition, apologizing for making me go through such a big event right after returning from a dangerous place because of his greed, even though it was me whose father had died. With the Empress confined, I, as the prospective Crown Princess who had received the status of a quasi-royal, was supposed to be the hostess, but none of the nobles dared to criticize me for just staying in the mansion and resting. It was because Adrian’s power was so solid.
Lest I feel burdened, Adrian repeatedly joked in the letter that I should not just rest but also spur on the preparations for the Royal Wedding at the mansion, but in reality, there was nothing for me to do in those preparations either. Because he had been planning to finish the preparations roughly from the time of the engagement ceremony.
The sunlight, nearing noon, was shining on this mansion from above. Everything was hopeful. Allen had threatened to harm Adrian or Carlisle, but seeing him today, I knew for sure. He wouldn’t have the capacity to do that. Unfortunately, he still loved me, so he was still afraid of losing me forever.
“Nicole, could you bring me a pen and some stationery?”
“Are you going to write a reply to His Royal Highness the Crown Prince?”
“Yeah, well… and other things.”
So now there’s only one thing to do.
This is the end of cowardly procrastination. I steeled myself to say goodbye to my young wolf, who had once been my only comfort and hope.