By Zephyria 
As time passes, other things may fade, but the dead child, this matter… will never fade away.
‘When you start the divorce proceedings, I’ll do whatever it takes to get custody of the child in your womb. A child born from morphology abnormalities. Wouldn’t I be a more suitable guardian than you, naturally?’
‘The court won’t care about the wishes of a newborn. So, legal interpretation will be much more important—wouldn’t they consider me a more suitable guardian than someone who held press conferences about dirty switches and drugs?’
‘I regret what happened to the child… sincerely.’
What words did I hurl at him, driven by the selfishness of not wanting to lose Joo Tae-hyun at the time?
Seo Baek-han never dreamed of being forgiven on this subject either. Even if he was shameless, he wasn’t that unprincipled. If Joo Tae-hyun told him never to mention the child again, he would, of course, comply.
But apart from that, he wanted Joo Tae-hyun to know that he was sorry… no, that he was writhing in guilt to an extent that words of apology couldn’t express, that he would regret it until the day he died.
If, one day, the old events suddenly came to mind and made him feel sad, if Joo Tae-hyun could think of his current words and vent his anger to his heart’s content. Or if it could be even a little comfort to Joo Tae-hyun…
“As I said earlier, I’m not daring to expect that such a thing is really possible. Even though I gave you a chance to ask for forgiveness… I know very well that this part isn’t allowed either.”
“……”
“However, I wanted to tell you that I don’t take the child issue lightly… I’ve never forgotten it, and I never will.”
Joo Tae-hyun didn’t show any particular reaction to the sporadic, humble confession.
But unlike a moment ago, seeing his body tense up and the ripples on the water’s surface as he clenched and unclenched his fist, he could feel that he was enduring a lot of emotions.
While waiting for him, who seemed to need time to sort out his thoughts, an uncomfortable silence filled the bathroom. Seo Baek-han quietly let warm water flow to prevent Joo Tae-hyun’s body from cooling down. If he stayed like this, he would definitely catch a cold.
“It wasn’t that precious to me.”
Just as he was about to carefully suggest that they wash up and leave, and that he would go to the hotel if he was uncomfortable so he could rest, Joo Tae-hyun muttered in a very small voice. He hadn’t been so heartbroken because he loved the baby in his womb so much.
“It didn’t feel real, and the pregnancy… wasn’t that long either.”
“……”
“About a month? At that point, it wouldn’t even have properly formed a human shape… just a seed.”
So, about the child… he thought it was okay not to come to a conclusion right away, to just let it pass for now, thinking only of his own comfort. Joo Tae-hyun’s voice, slowly adding words, was as precarious as a candle about to go out.
Perhaps because his reflection was blurred on the water’s surface, Joo Tae-hyun’s eyes, staring blankly at somewhere in the bathtub, looked deeper and more desolate than usual.
“I don’t know if I have the right to allow Hyung to go see the baby.”
He was just as indifferent to the baby, only realizing he was pregnant after seeing a photo of a grave smaller than the palm of his hand.
“As much as Hyung feels sorry for the baby… or maybe even more, I……”
Seo Baek-han tightened his grip on Joo Tae-hyun. He held him close enough that their breaths resonated through their bones. Hoping that his intention that it was okay not to continue speaking with difficulty would be conveyed.
“Actually… I haven’t gone to see it yet either. The baby’s grave.”
Joo Tae-hyun barely opened his mouth when he could clearly feel the warmth fading even as they shared each other’s body temperature.
“I don’t think I can give you an answer right now. But the fact that Hyung mentioned something that even I wanted to ignore… I appreciate that.”
“……”
“No, I think Hyung is right. Hyung going to apologize to the child directly… you’ll have to get permission from our family for that.”
Joo Tae-hyun cast a sidelong glance toward the doorway, saying that he wasn’t even in a position to allow or disallow it in this matter. All the confusion and sadness from just before had vanished from his slightly exposed profile.
The fact that he had praised him for being good at controlling his expressions when he was a child, that he had spouted nonsense about how the more you hide your emotions, the better… now it weighed heavily on his heart. He should have told him to cry and laugh as much as he wanted, that a kind you who grew up only receiving love naturally could do that.
“Um, when I have the courage to go see the baby’s grave myself someday… then, I’ll allow you to take me to the Ancestral Burial Grounds. I don’t know when that will be, though.”
“…Thank you.”
To shake off the feeling of his throat burning as if seared by fire, Seo Baek-han made a silly joke.
“I’ll just drop you off near the Ancestral Burial Grounds and stay put in the car.”
Joo Tae-hyun only smiled silently at the somewhat extreme vow that he would never come out even if the ground collapsed. It was a weary smile, to the point where he wanted to beg him to cry instead.
“Let’s get out soon. You’ll catch a cold.”
“Yes.”
That day, when the subtle fragrance of wildflowers carefully lingering over the scent of moist trees bloomed and disappeared like a hallucination, Joo Tae-hyun stayed in the study all night. There was no sound of turning pages or writing, but the light remained on the whole time.
Seo Baek-han couldn’t sleep either. He lingered in front of the study, carefully raising his hand to knock… he wandered around like that for a long time, but in the end, he couldn’t rashly do anything until sunrise.
He wasn’t tired at all. He didn’t even notice he was tired because he was worried about Joo Tae-hyun. He just ached inside because he couldn’t even begin to guess what Joo Tae-hyun was holed up in the study all night with.
Not even being able to carelessly say he was sorry.
Not even having the right to comfort you as you cried silently alone.
What could he do? It was a divine punishment he had to endure throughout his life.
*
“Oh, um, anyway, you’ve been doing well, Hyung, right?”
“I think you’ve asked me how I’m doing for the sixth time now.”
“Ah, th-that… right?”
Cheon Seung-pil lowered his head, saying he was sorry. That was also exactly the sixth time.
Joo Tae-hyun said he had to go to the lab and left early in the morning. Whether he really had something to do or it was an excuse because he didn’t want to face him… whatever it was, he thought it was right to let Joo Tae-hyun do what he wanted. His most painful part had been stirred up unexpectedly, so wouldn’t he need time to collect himself?
Should he still pick him up in the evening? No, he should just call a driver. He didn’t know when he would come home, so he should have him wait in front of Joo Tae-hyun’s lab… and he should just return home like this.
But when he thought of Joo Tae-hyun being lonely at home, he couldn’t easily bring himself to leave.
He hadn’t understood people who couldn’t make a decision and wavered in the meantime… was this what they felt like? There hadn’t been a moment that wasn’t new since he realized he loved Joo Tae-hyun, but this was the first time like this.
He was just taking a long sigh while looking around the empty living room when suddenly the doorbell rang loudly.
Who could it be at this hour?
It wasn’t like he had any documents to urgently receive. He hadn’t ordered anything separately either… Could it be paparazzi? Or Liam? He had heard that the bastard had been sent away from the house to somewhere in Europe.
He was about to take a step toward the front door, determined to grab whatever he could find, whether it was a gun or anything else.
‘Joo Tae-hyun! It’s me, open the door!’
Cheon Seung-pil pressed the doorbell repeatedly, making an uncharacteristic cheerful voice.
‘Ugh, damn, this is so heavy. Hey, open the door quickly! I was just waiting for Baek-han Hyung to return to Pyongyang, huff?’
‘Long time no see, Seung-pil.’
‘Hic, Ba, Baek, Baek-han Hyung… why are you, here…….’
‘Why, did I come to a place I shouldn’t have? Tae-hyun said it was okay for him to be home… I didn’t know I needed Seung-pil’s permission too.’
‘Ah, no. I was just too sur…, hic, surprised……. Hello, hic, Hyung…….’
‘There are many things to be surprised about. Anyway, you were just waiting for me to return? Why?’
‘Sorry, hic, sorry, I missp…, hic, misspoke again…….’
‘I’m asking, Seung-pil. What’s the reason you were waiting for my return?’
The idiotic face he made when he saw him and dropped everything he was holding when he opened the door himself.
“You drank so much water that your hiccups must have stopped… shouldn’t you start telling me now? Why did a guy living in New York come here?”
“W-well, it’s the weekend and I was bored…….”
“Did Tae-hyun ask you to come, by any chance?”
“Yes? Ah, no. I just came on my own. I was thinking of sharing some side dishes with Tae-hyun… I got them from a friend in the Korean association, but Tae-hyun seemed to like them too…….”
The longer Cheon Seung-pil’s excuses went on, the narrower Seo Baek-han’s eyes became. Come to think of it, this bastard Cheon Seung-pil seemed to like Joo Tae-hyun no matter how he looked at it.