By Zephyria 
In front of the entrance leading to the building, there was a barricade along with a sign indicating that the viewing hours had ended, but although the heavy main gate was closed, it was not locked. With a door that felt heavier than memory, Lee Hyun pushed it open with almost his whole body and stepped inside.
The interior was still overwhelmingly white to the point of being pathological. I paused for a moment in the entrance hall, slowly looking around at the curved staircase with its warm tones and the high ceiling. Now that everyone has left work and only Rauman remains in the office, with all other lights turned off, the structural design chandelier hanging from the ceiling of the hall casts a pale light over Lee Hyun’s head.
The Phantom, which was always bustling with elegantly dressed guests, resembled a wealthy noble’s castle, but it was a dilapidated place that held onto its once glorious past, rumored to be haunted by ghosts. However, nothing had actually changed; it was merely a projection of one’s own emotions. Wasn’t it decided to suppress sentimental responses as much as possible? Lee Hyun, twisting the shoulder straps of his backpack and taking a deep breath, moved towards the office.
“…….”After parting ways yesterday morning, it was the first time in two days that I saw Lau standing behind his desk, making a phone call.” Noticing the presence, he turned this way, shaking the A4 paper he was holding and smiling. He was just as he was, to the point of being lifeless.
Left alone in the office, he loosened the knot of his tie and rolled up the sleeves of his shirt to just below his elbows, looking relaxed. Lee Hyun slowly walked towards the wide conference table, right in front of the entrance, while keeping his gaze fixed on him.
If I approach him now, pretending not to know anything, it seems like he would stretch out his arms, embrace me, and kiss me just like he did yesterday morning. It will probably be so.
Since I first heard the story from Shushu until this moment… I have felt that temptation several times. Pretending not to hear anything and simply entrusting oneself to his judgment while remaining silent. Thus, throwing himself away, turning a blind eye to his secrets, and succumbing to the temptation of choosing a future of false hope as it was destined to be…
However, a twisted impulse to dismantle him in the most brutal way and maliciously expose his hypocrisy immediately surged up, tormenting Lee Hyun. The two different impulses were still barking fiercely at each other until this moment.
Lee Hyun swallowed hard and placed the backpack, which was filled to the maximum, down on the chair. Rau put down the paper he was holding and picked up another piece of paper. It seemed like he was discussing with the person on the other end of the phone about the placement of each artwork for the joint exhibition in the second half of the year. Not knowing how to proceed with the conversation, he threw down the newly picked-up paper as if discarding it, scratched his forehead with that hand, and then placed his hands on his waist.
Even now, when there are many matters to wrap up, the reason he is personally involved in tasks that were usually handled by Uni is probably because he wants to give his best to his phantom until the very end.
His attachment to the current Phantom has not faded, nor has his belief in the operation of Phantom changed. As he explained himself, it was even less the case that he changed the operating line naturally for a greater purpose.
“Did you come?””After finishing the call, Lau looked over and smiled.” Feeling the cruelty that wants to shatter that defenseless smile in an instant, Lee Hyun tried his best to put on a brief semblance of a smile.
“It’s been a while since you came to Phantom, hasn’t it?””The eyelids sank in, and the whites of Lau’s eyes were bloodshot as he walked between the desks and approached this way.”
“Did you want to stop by once before leaving?””I didn’t have the confidence to respond casually to the short kiss and physical contact he usually offered.” Lee Hyun walked towards the window instead of answering the question and offered him coffee. He, who had asked for a strong pour, showed interest in the backpack that Lee Hyun had taken off, gripping the handle and tugging it up a couple of times as if to gauge its weight.
“Why did you pack so much luggage?” You seem like someone who has been on a trip for a few days.”He still believed that they had a noisy farewell party at Yuni and Juhan’s house until late last night.” They might be speculating that this time has come because they spent a leisurely time at home before going to work and then reunited with the two people after work to hang out again.
However, Lee Hyun was on the road coming out of Lau’s house, not the officetel of Yuni and Juhan.
It’s not ‘the person who has been’, but ‘the person who will go’. To suppress the urge to mock him for bringing up mundane topics without knowing anything, Lee Hyun bit his lip in front of the coffee machine. I thought that having him right in front of me would somehow organize my emotions in one direction, but… the internal struggle was still ongoing.
I returned to the table with two mugs and handed one to Lau. And by throwing out a story that he might find interesting, he once again prevented physical contact.
“No, I stopped by the studio… I’m on my way home.””
“…….”Rau’s hand, which was intended to grasp the mug, paused.” Lee Hyun spoke without any inflection, as if it were not a big deal, bringing the mug to his lips.
“I am going to see my father.””Now?”Yes.”He stared at Lee Hyun for a long time with an unwavering gaze, searching to read his inner thoughts. His watchful gaze, which seemed to be based on kind concern, now felt nothing more than suffocating like restraint and bondage.
“It wouldn’t feel right to leave without visiting in person…””Lau nodded slowly in agreement and said.”
It feels like Uni has met the family in person. Before leaving for a distant place, I decided to find my father in order to organize my heavy baggage, even just a little. He probably concluded that Lee Hyun’s trip to the East Sea would end that way.
However, Lee Hyun cynically thought to himself that the reason he decided to go find his father was neither voluntary nor constructive, like in Yuni’s case.
“Mr. Lim… you don’t have to worry too much.” It seems that I have become more calm since I saw my first granddaughter from my eldest son’s family about a month ago.”After pausing for a moment and taking a sip of coffee, Lau added as if to himself.”
“Since becoming a grandfather, my perspective on the world may have changed a little.”As the steam rose from the mug, Lau turned his head. The gaze looking at Lee Hyun, who was standing a few steps away with the table’s corner between them, shone sharply. You might be noticing a subtle difference in the distance that feels unusual.
The moment Lee Hyun tried to bring the mug to his lips, he stepped forward and closed the distance.
“Um.””Standing next to Lee Hyun’s right shoulder instead of facing him, he made a sound as if he was lifting something with effort and wrapped his arm around Lee Hyun’s body.” He clasped his hands tightly above his left upper arm and pressed his lips against Lee Hyun’s temple. Meanwhile, Lee Hyun’s gaze was constantly directed at the mug in his hand.
“…Are you okay?””What is it?””Going back there alone again.” And… facing my father.”
“…….”Tilting her chin, Lee Hyun looked up at his face.” Rau, tilting his head to lower his eye level, was looking at me with a worried expression. Lee Hyun tried to feel the same trust and intimacy from him as before. However, that effort soon turned into a malice that wanted to stab him and create a hole to draw out the dark secrets.
“Shall I take you home?” To see the sea as well.I chuckled and shook my head to dismiss his words as a joke.
“Why, isn’t it a good idea?” If you think of it as a short trip taken impulsively…”Lau turned Lee Hyun’s shoulders to face him.” Lee Hyun awkwardly lowered his gaze to about his chest while holding the mug. Lau’s arm naturally wrapped around my waist as if it were the most obvious thing.
“In Gangwon-do, there is a studio that my mother occasionally uses in Inje.” The previous owner built this place to use as a vacation home, so the view from the window is serene, there is a fireplace, and it is quite cozy. Let’s leave now, drive leisurely… take a short nap for two or three hours… and watch the sunrise together at the East Sea…”There are many things to do here.””I blocked the softly whispering voice that sequentially kissed my temples, cheeks, and the sides of my lips.” I tried hard not to, but I couldn’t completely erase the coldness felt in my voice. It seemed like it was only a matter of time before he found out.
Rau let out a light sigh and pressed his forehead against Lee Hyun’s forehead.
“Ah… there really is a lot of work.” I hope H&W can quickly finalize the schedule for the exhibition of Fetibone, as I feel I need to visit Hong Kong soon. Even when going to New York, I have to prioritize handling that matter over the opening of the Phantom branch.”As Rau spoke while pretending to be in pain, Lee Hyun felt despair at the fact that his breath no longer felt sweet, and he resented the one who had destroyed that feeling.”
“Then, there’s no need to rush like this.””…What do you mean?”There was a slight stiffness in Lau’s voice as he asked again.
“There is no reason to rush to New York, or rather, to leave Seoul, to the point of overexerting yourself like this.”His arm wrapped around Lee Hyun’s waist.
The gaze that tilted its head and examined the complexion contained suspicion towards Lee Hyun, which was different from usual, but for now, it was closer to concern. Rather than doubting whether Lee Hyun became aware of the changing, it seemed that he had taken that direction because he was feeling serious tension and confusion ahead of his meeting with his father.
“What happened?”The voice asking while gently stroking the shoulder was cautious. Lee Hyun was meticulous about every detail, from the way she touched Rao to the question mark at the end of her words. It was hard to believe that this was not all of him, as all of his feelings towards me were sincere.
Lee Hyun, who couldn’t meet eyes and tightly pressed his lips together, stroked the warm surface of the mug with his thumb and opened his mouth.
“The New York branch, is it because of me?””I couldn’t tell what kind of expression Lau had because I didn’t look up.” Lee Hyun looked down at the strong wrist connected to the hand resting on his shoulder. Just a little while ago, his body, which he used to caress and touch as if it were a part of himself, now existed with a completely different meaning.
“When everyone who has known the representative for a long time was shocked and worried, I should have thought about it again at least once…” I guess I just wanted to believe.”Just because we embraced the inner loneliness that we have never shared with anyone, it did not mean that we knew everything about each other.” Perhaps I overlooked the reactions of those who have been by his side for a longer time too easily. What I wanted to see and what I wanted to believe in blinded me with selfish motives.
“Because of me, the CEO is ignoring the beliefs that have supported him, causing concern among those around him, losing trust… and making choices that distance him from himself…”To suppress his rising emotions, Lee Hyun took a deep breath for a moment.
“It must have been scary to face the fact that being together is making you sick, Representative.”The hand on my shoulder this time gripped tightly with strength.
“I appreciate that everyone thinks I have some kind of morally great goal and that I’ve lived like a hermit for it… While I can’t say I had no beliefs at all, in the end, business is just business to me.” I explained that it was just a suitable opportunity to open a branch because I unexpectedly had good conversations with the people I met in Chicago.”It was a plausible argument, but there were flaws visible to the current Lee Hyun.” He is not hesitant to get his hands dirty in the so-called superficial aspects so that the works of the affiliated artists can receive the recognition they deserve, but that is completely different from the meaning of using art as a means of business.
Lee Hyun raised his head.
“If it’s not because of me, you will go to New York alone, right?”Rau’s face hardened fiercely. Then, as if trying to shake off a bad feeling, he shook his head and softened his expression. He gently moved his hand from her shoulder to her neck and cheek, carefully examining Lee Hyun’s face.
“What’s wrong?” Did you hear anything from somewhere? What does anyone say? Huh?”I wanted to believe that the eyes that contained myself and the familiar gentle touch were his truth.” I wanted to close my eyes and ears to other truths.
However, at the same time, I felt a sense of betrayal towards him, who had been cultivating another truth beyond that high, thick wall, having built enough trust to want to believe him, even after confirming with my own eyes that his body had changed.
Lee Hyun shook his head, saying that it wasn’t true, and lowered his eyes. I bit my lip. The coffee in the mug was shaking. As if having made a firm resolution, when Lee Hyun suddenly lifted his head to face Lau, there was a sparkle in his eyes.
“I will consider the proposal from ‘The Hands’.””Rau’s eyes narrowed.” The blue eyes shattered into ash gray and the cheeks twitched briefly.
“What does that mean?”It was a question that seemed to want to believe there was a hidden meaning beyond the literal meaning of what was heard.
Lee Hyun completely turned his shoulder towards the table, ignoring his anxiety. At that decisive movement, the hand of Lau, which had been wrapped around Lee Hyun’s neck and shoulders, fell weakly into the air.
Lee Hyun, who placed the mug on the table, tightly gripped the backrest of the chair with both hands. As Lau approached closely, anxiety and excitement were conveyed. A large hand grabbed Lee Hyun’s shoulder and forcibly turned him to face it.
“No, that can’t be.” You haven’t forgotten about the exclusive contract that included a deposit of 100 million, right?”Even if it’s not that money… all the things I’ve received from you until now… how could I forget them?””Regardless of this situation, that statement was sincere.” I didn’t intend to keep ‘The Hands’ in mind to punish him. It was just something that should have been done from the beginning.
As Uni said. If they were in a serious romantic relationship and truly trusted each other, when they received the offer from ‘The Hands’, they should have discussed it with him.
But deep down, I was afraid that he wouldn’t let me go. Even if he decides not to go, I was worried that he might feel guilty about it. It was wrong from the beginning to try to bury the opportunities gained through one’s own strength just to be by his side.
A heavy sigh from Lau was felt above the forehead. With a voice that felt tense yet forced to be gentle, he shook Lee Hyun’s shoulder.
“It was just something I said in a panic; I really don’t mean to use that 100 million as an excuse to keep you from going.” You know.Looking back, I realize… I’ve received so much, and I am still receiving. I was surprised to think that I was such a shameless person… What I am now is all thanks to you, CEO. From living a life of eating, sleeping, and resting… to redrawing pictures and finding comfort in the past… I was relying on you all the way.”Because he is in a special situation where he could be chased by a dangerous opponent, because he is a young child with no social skills, because he said he is okay and it’s not a burden… I have accepted the previous suggestions too easily.” Although I hesitated, it was ultimately myself who decided to accept the kindness in his persuasive words.
After another long sigh, Lau placed his hands on his waist and paused for a moment.
“Leaning on a partner, receiving comfort, and getting help.” What’s wrong with that? I feel the same way. I was comforted by having you, and if I could give you something… that would be my happiness. Is that wrong?”I didn’t just receive help.” Is relying on others for even the minimum rights and responsibilities about oneself… love?”
“…….As if searching for the reason behind the sudden confusion that Lee Hyun was showing, Lau’s eyes shook anxiously as they scanned Lee Hyun’s face. Then, she came closer, wrapped her arms around Lee Hyun, and pleaded in a low voice.
“Did you not say you wouldn’t go?” Huh? Are you saying you will be by my side?”That was the case.” When you didn’t know that you were turning me into an Omega.
Lee Hyun imagines breaking his world in an instant with just a few short words. The intensity of this feeling, which makes my body tremble just by imagining it, was so heightened that I couldn’t even distinguish whether it was anger or excitement.
Today, I had no intention of bringing up the topic of Changing. My plan was to go to Donghae first, put physical distance and time between us, and calmly sort out my feelings and stance. I had to come here because I thought he wouldn’t accept the story about visiting my father unless I spoke to him face-to-face… but perhaps it was impossible to keep all the confusion submerged beneath the surface when we were face-to-face.
“How many times have we knotted until now?”
“……”
Rau frowned, his forehead and brow furrowed at the sudden shift in topic.
“Ten times? Twenty times? Since we did it two or three times in one night… maybe 50, no, 70 times?”
Lee Hyun stared directly into Rau’s eyes, who was wetting his dry lips with his red tongue, and clenched a stone in his hand, ready to strike him and draw blood.
“Yesterday, I was at In-woo Hyung’s house.”
“……”
Rau stepped back. In the late evening, he slowly shook his head as if to deny the reality right before him, widely rubbing his darkening jawline.
“Today, I went to the hospital with Hyung.”
Watching him freeze, unable to utter a single word, Lee Hyun felt the desire for revenge, to destroy him and inflict pain, violently sweep away the urge to defend and believe him.
“……I’m pregnant.”
Rau’s eyes widened, his lips parted, and he staggered forward, unable to even make a sound. As if mocking Rau, Lee Hyun’s lips twisted into a cold smile.
“Did you really… want this kind of situation?”
Lee Hyun twisted his mouth, watching Rau stop with a strange expression, unsure if he was relieved or disappointed by the news that it wasn’t a pregnancy.
“Did you dream of a day when you would have a child through me someday?”
“So that’s why you… tried to make me an Omega?”
“I don’t need a child. I never even thought that far!”
Rau shouted desperately. After his defense, he looked at Lee Hyun’s reddened, wide-open eyes glaring at him, then lowered his gaze. As if disbelieving his own actions, he licked his lips and roughly swept his hands over his face several times. He swallowed dryly, then squeezed his eyes shut before looking at Lee Hyun again.
“Seo Yi-hyun.”
“……”
The hand reaching towards Lee Hyun’s shoulder hesitated in mid-air.
“Lee Hyun-ah.”
His voice was like someone standing under a collapsing sky. Just like the first time Lee Hyun heard him say ‘I love you.’
Lee Hyun turned his back, avoiding his approaching hand.
“Don’t… call me that.”
To refuse the damp pressure gathering in his eyes, Lee Hyun glared and strode around the table, turning to face Rau from a distance.
“They said it’s 50 percent complete.”
“No…. It couldn’t have progressed that far already. At most, about 35 percent….”
“35 percent, 50 percent… What’s the difference!”
Since his mother’s accident, or perhaps even earlier, after his mind had developed to a certain extent, this was the first time he had thrown such unfiltered emotions at someone. His head spun as he yelled. Lee Hyun intertwined his fingers and ran them through his lengthening hair.
“Right now, I’m nothing. Not a Beta, not an Omega… just….”
He swallowed dryly with difficulty, then continued with even greater effort.
“A monster.”
Just as one doesn’t consciously register the existence of the sky, earth, air, and sunlight every moment, Lee Hyun hadn’t particularly considered gender. To Lee Hyun, gender was one of those fixed, unquestionable truths, like mountains or rivers. Even though it was extremely rare for people to develop as Alphas or Omegas after becoming adults, he had dismissed it as something unrelated to him and had never even considered the possibility.
He had briefly imagined what their relationship would have been like if he had been an Omega, capable of communicating with him through pheromones and getting pregnant. But that was… a hypothetical scenario drawn out without any possibility, and not a yearning to become an Omega. Even if he had wanted to, it wouldn’t have been in this way.
One can live ignoring inner corruption indefinitely, but no one stands by when it comes to physical pain or illness. Even a single drop of blood from a paper cut on a finger elicits pain, and one applies medicine and a bandage.
Even someone who possesses nothing socially still undeniably owns their own body. The anxiety a human feels when the identity and ownership of such a body become unclear is not merely a superficial tremor.
“No one thinks that. And if they do, they won’t say it in front of you. I won’t let them.”
Rau said, leaning closer to the table, his voice conveying a clear intention to act on his words, not just speak them, but Lee Hyun couldn’t feel any emotion from it. He let out a hollow laugh with an expression of disbelief that Rau, the one who had transformed him like this, was saying such a thing.
“I don’t care about others. Because I’ve come to feel that way about myself.”
Rau closed his eyes, bringing his hands together as if in prayer, covering his nose and lips. He pulled his skin down, drawing his hands away, and furrowed his brow as if searching for words. But Lee Hyun spoke first.
“Did you think coming to New York to talk would change the outcome?”
His voice trembled slightly, trying to suppress his passion.
“Distancing myself from those around me, transforming your Phantom in a way you didn’t want… and then, leaving for a faraway place where I don’t know a single person to confide in….”
“……”
“You thought I would have no choice but to accept this… to accept you… Was that your calculation?”
Rau, biting his lower lip as if enduring pain, looked at Lee Hyun over the table. Instead of approaching, he pushed the table away, leaning forward and shaking his head.
“That’s not it. I wanted it to be proof that I bet my life on you….”
“How can seeing you ruin everything you’ve protected because of me be proof of love… to me?”
The environment of working brilliantly in the New York art scene with the support of a strong gallery was something any painter aiming for ‘success’ would aspire to. Lee Hyun had cautiously questioned several times whether he might have made unreasonable sacrifices and changes to his management strategy to provide him with such an environment, and he had even mustered the courage to ask him directly.
Even his answer that it wasn’t the case hadn’t completely put his mind at ease, perhaps because the source of his anxiety stemmed from somewhere deeper. At the time, he hadn’t known about the secret, so he couldn’t guess any other reason.
Should he have dug deeper? Instead of accepting his explanation at face value, should he have pressed until the doubts were completely cleared?
Even if he had learned the truth that way, it wouldn’t have changed anything from the present, only hastened the timing. Nevertheless, he couldn’t stop repeating these meaningless hypothetical scenarios.
He shook his head vigorously, trying to shake off the poison filling his body’s core. He slowly met the gaze of Rau, who, as Shushu had said, had never experienced failure and would never make foolish judgments that could become seeds of regret.
“Why did you do it?”
Lee Hyun’s voice was low and hoarse.
“You didn’t like me because I was a Beta? Was I insufficient?”
“Absolutely not.”
The immediate answer followed. Rau, who seemed to have the answer to every problem, who seemed capable of solving anything, could now offer no active defense of himself, only responding to Lee Hyun’s questions with minimal negation and affirmation.
“Alpha, Omega, Beta… or even some unknown existence, it doesn’t matter. It wasn’t because you were insufficient as you are now, or because I wished you were someone else.”
“Then why did you do it?”
Rau’s answer to this question seemed like the only hope to lead the situation to a better place, and Lee Hyun’s voice now held a plea rather than an accusation.
Leaning on the table, tracing its edge, Lee Hyun approached Rau. Like lovers who have just begun their relationship and are still awkward with physical contact, his hesitant hands, as if reluctant to approach, repeatedly brushed against his stomach and chest area before letting go.
“Say something. Give me a reason… a reason you couldn’t help but do it….”
He hoped there was a reason he couldn’t help but accept. He hoped that if Rau gave him that answer, all his confusion, anger, and sadness would subside, and he could love him again.
When Rau’s lips, which had parted as if to say something, closed tightly again, Lee Hyun grabbed the waist of his shirt.
“You were trying to quit… but I, who was revealing it, kept begging for knotting every time, so you had no choice… that I seduced you! At least try to give some trashy self-justification!”
Rau, who had been passively swaying with Lee Hyun’s force, grabbed Lee Hyun’s arms as if to embrace him. His unfocused eyes showed no will.
Like the first time they knotted, like the time they lay together after the fender bender, his eyes were filled with a clear sadness that seemed about to overflow, so transparent that the floor could be seen through them, making its depth immeasurable. His eyes, reddened at the edges, stared at a point in the air, and he swayed slightly forward occasionally, looking drunk.
Rau took a breath, puffing out his chest and shoulders, but even that wasn’t smooth. His hazy eyes blinked slowly, searching for Lee Hyun’s. Following his old habit, he gazed down, tracing the countless places on Lee Hyun’s features where he had kissed him. His lips, dry and chapped from fatigue, parted several times again, attempting to speak.
“……I love you.”
It was a single word whispered softly, like a breath, in a voice like a rusty iron nail scraping. It felt like he had torn out the only truth remaining within him from his heart, with no exaggeration or intention of sentimental appeal.
Lee Hyun looked at Rau for a long time with eyes that held not resentment or confusion, but a tenderness and worried concern from before. Then, he slowly shook his head.
“That… is not an answer to my question.”
Lee Hyun’s steps, as he weakly pushed Rau’s chest away and turned, faltered slightly. From his upper arm to his elbow, from his wrist to his fingertips… Rau, who hadn’t let go of Lee Hyun until the end, finally lost him from his grasp as Lee Hyun increased the distance.
Rau left his empty hands hanging awkwardly in mid-air and followed Lee Hyun with his eyes as he walked towards the door, slinging his backpack over his shoulder.
His even teeth, which had been gnawing at the rough skin of his lips, let go as Lee Hyun’s hand reached for the doorknob. Brushing back his bangs that had grown long enough to poke his eyes, Rau cleared his throat.
“Remember you have dinner plans with the Phantom crew on Friday night? Come back on time.”
With a voice that tried to dismiss the previous excavation as a common lovers’ quarrel that would heal in a few days, as if nothing had happened, Lee Hyun, who had opened the door halfway, looked back.
Rau, stripped of the splendor of their first meeting and the seemingly insurmountable defense he had built, looked like an unknown actor left alone in a waiting room with smudged makeup from sweat. Even if he were the same person as then, no one would believe it.
He pushed his hair back again and said,
“Don’t forget… to keep your phone on.”
“……”
“……Because I’m worried.”
Lee Hyun, looking at him adding the words hesitantly and uncertainly, averted his gaze and left through the door. All that remained in the space Lee Hyun had left was a cup of cold coffee, barely touched.
■ A Grand Misconception ■
The cigarette, placed on the ashtray after a few puffs, burned on its own, sending up smoke without anyone inhaling it.
Inwoo watched the gradually lengthening gray ash break its neck into the ashtray, unable to bear its own weight, and slowly brought the glass in his hand to his lips, swallowing the amber liquid and frowning.
The first cigarette he tried wasn’t as harsh as he’d expected, so he didn’t cough disgracefully, but it wasn’t so appealing that he understood why many smokers repeatedly failed to quit. The smoke filling his mouth had none of the fragrant aroma of whiskey, and swallowing it down his throat felt like inhaling burnt poison.
However, watching the long, white body burn down little by little and send up smoke wasn’t bad. It wasn’t exactly comforting, but it was a decent way to kill time blankly.
When the cigarette had burned about halfway down, Inwoo checked the time. About five minutes had passed since he had granted entry to a vehicle through the parking lot office a little while ago. He wondered if this was how a condemned man, a Bestiarii with no training, thrown into a circular arena, felt waiting for the attack of a hungry beast that would devour his flesh. He chuckled, his shoulders shaking at his grand metaphor.
Just as he was about to lift his glass again, a sound like forceful, intermittent knocks echoed from down the long corridor. Inwoo paused his hand and drank more. He put down the glass and stood up only after the intervals between the blows narrowed, becoming so loud they seemed intent on breaking down the door.
As he pushed the door outward, Rau, who was casually draped in a long black trench coat that reached below his knees, lowered his fist, which had been about to knock again, and let his arm fall.
“Don’t you know where the doorbell is?”
Without answering, Rau roughly pushed past him and entered the house, the smell of alcohol wafting strongly from him.
“You didn’t… drive here yourself, did you?”
He walked briskly down the hallway, then turned back, a corner of his mouth curling up as if the concern were preposterous. He spun around and entered the living room, then snorted upon seeing the smoke rising from the coffee table. He picked up the cigarette, burned down close to the filter, and inhaled deeply, his cheek caving in, then quickly spat out his words with the smoke.
“What’s the condition?”
“What condition?”
“Seo Yi-hyun. Seo Yi-hyun’s body.A nervous/irritable reaction returned, as if asking what else there could possibly be. His face, turned towards Inwoo, was flushed and disheveled from impatience and alcohol. After a moment of fiery outburst, he wiped his face and cleared his throat.
“You said you ran tests. How’s his body? It’s okay, right?”
Rau, extinguishing the cigarette he had just taken another drag from by rubbing it in the ashtray, avoided Inwoo’s gaze, looking like someone who feared the answer to his own question.
“Everything is normal. His uterine position is stable, and the thickness and length of the Omega Road connecting to the uterus are ideal.”
Rau frowned, looking back at Inwoo. His disheveled bangs fell over his eyes as he bent his head forward from his waist.
“Who’s asking about that? I’m asking if there are any abnormalities in other parts. Is he… completely healthy?”
“If you hadn’t undergone Changing, you wouldn’t have to worry about this, would you?”
“……”
Seeing Rau’s face, his brow furrowed even tighter and his eyes wide, Inwoo sighed.
“He’s completely healthy. His ovaries haven’t fully developed yet, and because of that, the uterus as a whole is about half complete, but his Omega pheromones are extremely faint. Not enough to require suppressants yet. Though I don’t know about that special pheromone that only reacts to you.”
Only then did Rau relax the tension in his shoulders slightly, but the rough, unstable aura emanating from him didn’t subside.
Still wearing his coat, he picked up the cigarette pack on the table and lit a new cigarette. He exhaled the smoke from the first shallow puff with a hasty movement and muttered,
“It’s the ‘Triangle zone,’ not the uterus.”
“Did you get sex education from Minton alone?”
“If you’re an Alpha and a doctor, use them separately in daily life. Don’t act like some Alphas who are indifferent and ignorant of other genders.”
Between the sofa table, Inwoo walked to his opposite side, crossing his arms over his chest and scowling.
“Are you in any position to be lecturing someone right now?”
Lau tilted his head back, lifting his chin, and exhaled a long plume of smoke before replying.
“What makes you think I can’t lecture you?”
Inwoo clicked his tongue, and a large, dark silhouette clad in a coat stepped close before him.
“Why did you say it?”
“……”
“You said hearing it directly from me… was a way to lessen the shock, even a little. Why did you say it?”
Though he didn’t raise his voice, the anger seeping from his suppressed tone spoke volumes about the intensity of his rage. His entire body was tense. His grey-blue eyes were more pronouncedly blue than usual, seeming to spark with fire. He took another step closer, his lips twisting sharply into a sneer.
“To ease your guilt, you told him the truth, took him to the hospital… and left the child, trembling in fear… alone, to face the examination, embracing it all… Was that how you wanted to remain a good person to Seo Yi-hyun?”
“You’re bothered that Lee Hyun had to undergo the examination alone? Now? Who was it that inflicted that fear in the first place!”
“At the very least, you should have told me before taking him to the hospital!”
Lau’s index finger jabbed at Inwoo’s chest. Inwoo forcefully slapped the hand away and, lifting his chin, lunged at him.
“And if I had told you? Do you think Lee Hyun would have wanted to go to the hospital holding your hand?”
“……”
Lau licked the corners of his lips with his tongue, his gaze flicking between Inwoo’s eyes. His bloodshot eyes were still burning, but he seemed struck, remaining silent for a moment. Turning his back on Inwoo, he took a drag from his cigarette and flicked the ash. Aimed carelessly, most of the grey ash missed the ashtray and scattered across the table.
Inwoo stood behind Lau and leaned in to whisper mockingly into his ear.
“Seeing Lee Hyun was truly agonizing. I wanted to do something for him.”
Provoked by Inwoo’s deliberately cheerful tone meant to taunt, Lau turned, his brow furrowed. Inwoo’s eyes, meeting his, gleamed with madness. He twisted his lips coldly and forced out a laugh.
“He didn’t mention that we kissed, did he?”
“……”
The muscles in Lau’s jaw clenched tightly, twitching. The skin beneath his eyes spasmed. Unconsciously, he clenched his fist, a cigarette rolling into it, but he didn’t feel the heat as he let it go, tossing it aside and lunging at Inwoo, choking him. Inwoo’s face instantly flushed red. With bloodshot eyes, he stared straight at Lau, trying to pry his hands off his neck.
He wasn’t holding back at all. As Inwoo began to gasp, using his nose and mouth, Lau finally threw him onto the sofa. His shoulders heaved, his fists clenched as if ready to pounce again and unleash relentless violence.
“Someone like you… and I still called you a friend…”
“Same here!”
Inwoo shot up and shoved his face right in front of Lau’s.
“I won’t deny you approached him casually, without much thought, as you usually do. But who knows? Maybe you would have become serious if you thought he wasn’t interested. Or, wouldn’t it be harder to watch someone like that… constantly, without becoming serious? You’re not the only one with eyes.”
“……”
Inwoo spoke heatedly about Seo Yi-hyun, as he saw him. He talked about Lee Hyun’s pure sincerity, his attempt to pass through all of life’s sensations painfully, without any pretense.
He confessed that for people like himself and Lau, who had grown up with everything already provided, living with the pretense of leisure without needing to be desperate or broken, such an attitude was particularly captivating.
“In front of someone who reveals themselves so honestly, without a single layer of protective armor to package and defend themselves, I felt I could be honest too. Because even if I were honest, Seo Yi-hyun would listen without mocking me.”
Lau, who had been listening to Inwoo with his shoulders slumping silently, turned away as if to flee. As Lau bent down to grab a glass from the table, Inwoo roughly spun him back around.
“But it was you! You, who had never been shaken or shown obsession towards anyone, seemed to be breaking yourself, being drawn in! I watched with pleasure as you stepped back!”
Lau shoved his hands into the pockets of his trench coat. He lowered his chin and looked up, snorting derisively.
“So, you’re saying you’d yield Seo Yi-hyun to me? If you had seriously pursued him, you think Seo Yi-hyun would have chosen you?”
“That’s something we’ll never know.”
“……”
“Especially now, with how you’ve messed things up.”
Inwoo raised his eyebrows and gave a leering smile. Lau squinted as if standing in bright sunlight.
“You probably came here wanting to take out your anger on me, but Lee Hyun already knew when he got here.”
Lau’s eyes narrowed further.
“He said he heard it from Shushu.”
This time, his eyes widened again, and his hunched shoulders straightened.
“Of course, Shushu thought you and Lee Hyun were proceeding with the Changing together by mutual agreement.”
Lau’s face hardened. He stammered Inwoo’s words, then turned without hesitation and crossed the living room towards the hallway.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
Inwoo followed immediately, spinning him around with rough force. Lau shook his arm, instantly throwing off the hand. Unyielding, Inwoo blocked his path this time.
“Now that you know it wasn’t me, are you going to go choke Shushu?”
“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do.”
“Snap out of it, Lau Wikun. No matter what you say to anyone right now. Even if you beat me half to death and torture Shushu… in the end, it was you who made Lee Hyun turn away!”
“……”
“Some Alphas who are ignorant of any gender other than their own? Do you think you have the right to criticize those Alphas? Think about what you did to the body of the person you love, dragged along by that damned Pheromone!”
Crazy bastard.
Inwoo spat out each word as if grinding them between his teeth. For a moment, his face, devoid of any trace of friendship or anything else, was filled only with cold, distant, leering contempt, chilling the back of Lau’s neck.
Perhaps from that chill, Lau felt the objective judgment of the world regarding his actions. Standing there for a moment, his hands hanging limply as if speechless, he moved only his lips, forming an awkward smile while his eyes remained disheveled.
“You seem to be under a rather grand delusion, Choi Inwoo.”
“……”
“Until now, you’ve merely been lucky enough to maintain your dignity without becoming a Golden. You don’t even need to go as far as the intensity of the Pheromone that drew me to Seo Yi-hyun. Even exposure to the Pheromone of a Golden Omega who is determined to release it will reduce you to nothing more than a toy that your opponent can control with a single finger. A mere ejaculation machine, begging on the floor, wanting only to insert and ejaculate… having lost your human dignity and will.”
His speech was seamless, as if prepared in advance. With each word delivered with emphasis, giving it a clear outline, the flush of alcohol had completely faded from his face. Now, he looked almost pale. Only the bloodshot intensity in his eyes and a strange luminescence spoke of his excitement.
Lau’s face twitched as he moved closer to Inwoo.
“There might be those who think being an Alpha is some great status, or that Pheromones are superpowers, but that is the true nature of an Alpha dominated by Pheromones. You are no different.”
Without revealing his deepest thoughts, the distance they had maintained for so long, where they were alone within their own boundaries, neither allowing nor seeking access, was completely collapsing. They were invading each other with the most cruel words capable of inflicting damage.
“Yes, perhaps you’re right.”
Inwoo, staring at him with a stunned expression, as if he’d been hit, ran a hand over his face and lowered his gaze.
“Perhaps I’ve never been severely affected by Pheromones, fortunately, and by skillfully avoiding overly dangerous worlds. Or rather, that must be the truth. I’ve only dealt with opponents within my defensive and coping limits… using Pheromones moderately for sexual pleasure… and never deeply considered what it means to be an Alpha or an Omega.”
Inwoo’s gaze, which had softened as if reminiscing about a regretful past, hardened again as he met Lau’s eyes.
“But thanks to you, I’ve come to my senses.”
“……”
“Even when I saw you living like a monk, suppressing your Pheromones, the sense of caution regarding Pheromones didn’t really resonate with me. From another perspective, Pheromones are a gift from heaven, so why act so stifled? But seeing you ruin your life, dominated by Pheromones, I truly understood.”
This time, Inwoo stepped closer to Lau and jabbed his chest. His sneering lips were full of venom.
“So? Did you beg and plead on your knees? You don’t know it, but your powerful Pheromones broke down the Golden Alpha’s defenses and bewitched me, making me unable to resist. It was a mistake born of overwhelming love. Did the great Lau Wikun offer such pathetic excuses? Huh?”
As Inwoo poked his chest and taunted him, Lau, who had been passively accepting it, stepped back. Suddenly, his eyes glinted with malice, and he struck Inwoo’s fingers away.
“You didn’t, by any chance, tell Seo Yi-hyun about that, did you?”
“About what?”
“About Seo Yi-hyun also having Pheromones.”
Lau ground his teeth, his voice low, as he stared straight at Inwoo. Inwoo shrugged and clicked his tongue.
“Lau Wikun, what are you doing? Thinking you’re protecting Lee Hyun by not telling him that? What difference does it make now, leaving that one thing out?”
“Then, what can that one thing change now?”
“At least it could slightly reduce the shock and pain he feels from the thought that you deliberately underwent Changing to satisfy your personal desires.”
“……”
Lau had a look as if he had much to say, but he closed his mouth. Then, avoiding Inwoo’s gaze, he turned his head.
If Lee Hyun were to learn about his own mysterious Pheromone, which only affected Lau, he might be even more confused temporarily. Furthermore, Inwoo didn’t believe it justified an unagreed-upon Changing.
However, if Lee Hyun’s greatest pain was not the Changing itself, but the weight of the sin committed by the person he loved, then that was the only painkiller currently available to slightly alleviate it.
Leaving everything else aside, Inwoo shook his head at Lau’s stubborn silence regarding Lee Hyun’s Pheromones, which could be his only hope (however slim, it was better than nothing).
Though he didn’t want to admit it, he knew Lee Hyun too well. He wanted to protect Lee Hyun, who might try to share the responsibility, thinking he might have some fault in this Changing.
Regardless of the right or wrong of the Changing itself, he couldn’t mock this choice of his now. If his feelings for Lee Hyun were that great, why hadn’t he made a rational decision from the start? The impulse to retort with the same taunts had faded. Like a fire that had burned brightly and was now reduced to embers, only ashes remained.
“You’ve ruined it enough. Now, let go of this. It’s a matter between the parties involved, and if you interfere and cause more chaos… you’ll only confuse him further.”
After a long silence, Lau spoke in a subdued voice and turned his back. Following him towards the entrance, Inwoo hesitated and then said,
“Don’t go to Shushu.”
“Don’t worry. I won’t kill him.”
Lau replied indifferently, without looking back, but Inwoo grabbed his shoulder and spun him around.
“You’re not thinking straight right now. Is losing Lee Hyun not enough? Do you want to lose all your friends too? At least hold back for today. Clear your head.”
Anxious because he didn’t answer, Inwoo tightened his grip on his shoulder and forced a leering smile.
“If you’ve lost Seo Yi-hyun, then everything else is meaningless, surely you’re not going to say something like that, Lau Wikun?”
“Who says I have? That I’ve lost Seo Yi-hyun.”
Saying this with an expressionless face, Lau shook off Inwoo’s hand and left through the entrance without delay. Despite the content of his words, his voice was hollow, like an empty shell stripped of its core, lacking any conviction or confidence.
■ ■ ■
Even if he didn’t want to be a fisherman, he could never give up a slice of sashimi eaten fresh on the boat with a shot of soju, Lee Hyun used to say it often.
Anyone who had tasted it would have to agree, but more than that, Lee Hyun found a cup of mixed coffee, drunk while standing at the bow of a returning fishing boat, gazing at the distant, hazy port drawing nearer, to be even more special. The bittersweet comfort spreading through his body, weary from labor, and the warmth from the paper cup, made the weight of things happening on land feel a little lighter. For a moment, he even thought that a life lived swaying with the waves, without resistance, might not be so bad. Just like Grandfather and Great Uncle.
Though not a full catch, the haul was enough that they wouldn’t have to hear Grandfather’s curses and rough complaints about the sea being barren. Especially as autumn deepened, domestic mackerel became oily and flavorful, making them popular. Even without a large vessel, if one was diligent and careful, they could make a decent living.
“If our boat is full, so are others, and if we catch a lot, the price eventually drops, so it’s hard to make a living either way,” Grandfather grumbled, swallowing his coffee like soju, but his face was brighter than usual.
“The sickly looking one has become quite useful.”
Grandfather’s weathered face, which seemed to carry the salt of the sea and the harshness of the unforgiving wind in its wrinkles, smiled as he turned to Lee Hyun.
“I thought you’d be even weaker after going to Seoul to paint.”
“Hyun-i is naturally sturdy, even if he doesn’t have much flesh. His hands are also skillful.”
Great Uncle, who was tidying small tools while perched on the storage hatch, chimed in. Though he had only helped with tasks that didn’t require special skill, like hauling in nets or tossing the separated fish into the storage, his evaluation was generous, perhaps due to low expectations.
“Then, shall I take the boat?”
“Nonsense.”
Though he had said it as a joke, Grandfather, who had once forced Lee Han to take the boat, immediately set his lips.
“If he has the talent to repay the family’s debt with his paintings, what need does he have for a boat? He’ll be more successful than his father.”
Glancing towards the port, Grandfather spat out the words, extinguished the ember of his cigarette with his thick fingertips, and slipped into the pilot house. Following his back, Lee Hyun looked ahead and saw a familiar figure lingering on the dock.
His father was at the mooring where Lee Hyun sometimes waited for the boat before leaving the village.
“He doesn’t show it openly, but he seems to be in a good mood lately because you’re here. He usually avoids crowded ports.”
Great Uncle said with a faint smile, patting Lee Hyun’s shoulder as they began to prepare for mooring and untie the ropes.
Amidst the busy sailors, his father’s face, with his hands deep in his jacket pockets, watching them, was expressionless, without any cracks, contrary to Great Uncle’s words about him being in a good mood.
However, Lee Hyun had no intention of denying that his father seemed different somehow, and at least regarding his father, the impulsive, childish runaway that night in the rain, turning away from his father and following Lee Han out the gate, had not been entirely in vain.
“It’s fine to move it to the fish market, so you can go now.”
“Still… there’s a lot.”
“It’s been your work for a lifetime, do you think they’ll struggle just because your hands are free?”
Great Uncle chuckled as if to say, What a silly thing to say, and rubbed Lee Hyun’s hair. After a sheepish smile, Lee Hyun was the first to run up to the pier and, taking the rope Great Uncle tossed him, tied a firm knot around a concrete pillar. Though his stance had become somewhat more plausible after a few days of practice, the rope still chafed his tender palms.
Even on a weekday, tourists had flocked in, making it a good season for travel, so the area around the pier was busier than usual. The rough shouts of fishermen hurrying to move their catch to the fish market, complaining as they made way for tourists trying to take photos against the backdrop of the romantic evening sea, all melted into the fabric of the pier. It was a vitality and a tenacious grip on life, more palpable than anything felt even in the overcrowded city of Seoul, that pulsed everywhere like freshly caught creatures.
As Lee Hyun crossed the middle of the fish market with his father, exiting the pier, he suddenly realized he didn’t dislike this place as much as he’d thought. Perhaps he even liked it more.
One might tut-tut and point fingers at those who succumb to boredom or lethargy and choose a passive death, but one could not carelessly curse the earnest struggle of a person trying to live.
It was better to desperately rush forward than to let go and retreat, concerned with mere dignity. That was not pathetic clinging, but desperation for life, and it was precisely the vibrant, colorful hue of life that he had yearned for amidst the colorless silence.
Wasn’t it precisely because he was sick of the silence, because he wanted to create even a hairline crack in the futile peace where nothing happened, that he had decided to leave this place, to leave his father’s side?
Looking at it with that thought, every corner his gaze touched appeared different from before. The fish market, which had seemed like a murky, sticky mud pit reeking of fish, now struck him as a fresh stimulus piercing his lungs and eyes. The expressions of the people, who had seemed merely rough and gruff, were also varied and intense. They shouted as if standing under a collapsing sky, then laughed as if free of all worries.
The place is the same; it must be me who has changed and returned.
Lee Hyun, who had slipped through the bustling crowd with a silent, bitter smile, a step ahead of his father, suddenly stopped.
It was Mr. Im, talking with the union leader, whose face Lee Hyun also knew, his expression as serious as ever.
He too, upon spotting Lee Hyun, widened his eyes slightly, fixing his gaze over the union leader’s shoulder.
As Rau had said, he was quiet.
Despite clearly having heard the news of Lee Hyun’s return, there had been no movement from him for days. Lee Hyun also hadn’t paid him any particular attention. Compared to the pain of the current situation he was navigating, concern for Mr. Im was laughable. Even if he were to resort to physical threats, Lee Hyun wouldn’t be afraid. No, if anything, he felt he might even lash out and say, Fine, I was looking for someone to take my anger out on, so this is perfect, go ahead and try it.
Mr. Im, looking at Lee Hyun, who stood unmoving and met his gaze, gave a bitter look and then turned away, leading the union leader.
“Let’s go, Father.”
Lee Hyun also nudged his father’s back as he came to his side and left the fish market.
It was the third day since arriving here.
Under the pretense of boredom, Lee Hyun had gone out to sea every day for three days, and upon returning to land, he went for a walk with his father before dinner. It was much like Lee Hyun following his father’s walk; his father walked silently, never waiting for Lee Hyun to catch up or looking back to check the distance, but there was undeniably a crack, a fine fissure, a sign of change that hadn’t been there before. His father being out on the pier today could be considered part of that.
His father, crossing the center of the village, headed towards the southern hill where Mr. Im’s house and other fine villas and mansions stood, opposite the northern village where Grandfather’s house was located, without pause.
With both hands shoved deep into his jacket pockets, head bowed, not diverting his attention to anything, nor appreciating the scenery, his father focused solely on the act of walking. He easily covered the steep, hour-long climb in just thirty minutes at a leisurely pace.
Thanks to its location on a much higher elevation than the northern village near the harbor, the summit of the southern hill offered a panoramic view. However, among the villagers, there was no one who would deliberately climb up here to admire the ‘tedious’ sea.
Around the railing encircling the cliff edge for tourists, four or five benches were placed haphazardly. His father, who reached the cliff’s edge as if chasing a voice calling him from somewhere, would sit on those benches and stare blankly for anywhere from thirty minutes to an hour.
Though Lee Hyun had followed his father, feeling he had to try and throw something, at first, he simply sat quietly, watching his father’s profile.
But he soon realized. Perhaps his father was the most suitable person to confide in.
A conversation partner everyone desired was someone who would never relay what they heard and would not judge any story they heard.
Lee Hyun began to speak, rambling, omitting some parts and elaborating on others, about everything that had happened since arriving in Seoul. Until his father got up to leave.
Although there was no outward reaction, he wondered what his father was thinking inside. At first, he hesitated, choosing and discarding words, which slowed him down, but… after confirming his father showed no reaction even to the story of him falling for a Golden Alpine man, he became bolder.
The story of meeting Manager Han again, and about Yuni and Joo-han. Passing through the
Sometimes… he had dreams that he missed more poignantly than experiences in reality. When he revisited such dreams, as he always did, Lee Hyun spoke of Rau with a happy smile.
His confident ease that shone among people, the pathetic confusion he showed after abandoning that ease and using violence for his sake, and the marriage proposal that, though he managed to regain his composure and deflect the words of refusal… had made his heart skip a beat.
What had he been thinking when he spoke of marriage then?
What was clear was that it was a desperate choice made by someone burdened with a vast problem, far more complex than he had imagined at the time, a problem too great to bear.
As the sun dipped below the mountains behind them, casting the distant sea into darkness, Lee Hyun slowly clenched his fist on his thigh, watching his father’s profile as he gazed out at the darkening sea. Today, it was time to talk about what happened afterward.
The evening sea breeze buffeted his entire body relentlessly. His jumper flapped, and his hair flew wildly.
“Right now, I’m burdening you, Father.”
“……”
“I’m passing on the weight of the story I have to carry alone… to you. Because I resent you, I want you to become burdened too… and suffer.”
“……”
“But still, isn’t that… better than us sharing nothing at all?”
He had given up on speaking, thinking it would be agonizing if he didn’t receive a reaction from his father, but… once he started talking, it wasn’t as painful as he’d thought. He wondered why he had been so afraid.
Looking at his father, who didn’t react, Lee Hyun licked his lips with his tongue.
“Even if….”
His voice trembled.
“Even if I’m becoming an Omega… will you still say nothing?”
His father’s gaze, which had been fixed on the distant sea, shifted to the waves crashing against the rocks below the cliff, but there was no other reaction. Facing his father’s silence, his mind grew calm. He pressed the palm of his right hand aimlessly on his thigh and scoffed at himself.
“They say I’m half Omega. Which means, half not Omega. Half Beta, and the other half not Beta…”
His own words felt like sophistry, and Lee Hyun let out another weak chuckle.
The fact that he had crossed this sea before him and gone to another continent, all the memories and emotions shared in those moments… felt like a preposterous lie he had come to believe as truth after indulging too much in imagination. No one would believe him.
This time, it was Lee Hyun’s eyes, not his father’s, that turned towards the horizon at the end of the distant sea.
“He said it, Father…”
“……”
“That he was the first person… I ever loved…”
His vision slowly blurred. He lifted his chin to keep the gathering tears from falling, but he couldn’t erase the tremor in his voice.
He tried to stay calm, but he couldn’t. Anger rose when he faced his expression, but that wasn’t all. If it were only anger, if the clear conclusion were simply that he never wanted to see his face again… it would have been less painful.
“I… I don’t know what to do.”
Without any explanation or excuse, as if even looking at him felt sinful, he carefully traced his own face, and with a voice barely managing to utter the words ‘I love you’ as if humbly surrendering to a great truth… his expression and voice remained unforgettable.
“I want to forgive him… but I can’t… even though I can’t forgive him, I want to forgive him… I don’t know what to do.”
It felt somewhat absurd that he was confiding about the most desperate need for forgiveness to the person he could least forgive, the person he had walled off with the most solid silence… but this time, he couldn’t even scoff.
With his father remaining unresponsive beside him, Lee Hyun closed his eyes. Because he had tilted his head up, tears trickled down his temples towards his ears. The tears, which had been burning hot at his eyes, had already cooled by the time they reached his ears.
■ ■ ■
The fifty-something model, who had retired from the stage eight years ago and was now active as a choreographer and professor, moved with a fluidity that would befit a current dancer.
On a backdrop of about thirty square meters set up in the studio, she drew lines and dots in three-dimensional space, depicting ascent and descent, ecstasy and despair. Literally, with nothing but her own body, without any props or tools.
In this moment, she was the perfect master of her body, and everyone was inevitably overwhelmed by the dominance and control she exerted within the space.
Even if it were limited to the physical body, it was nearly impossible for a human to have complete control over themselves. Perhaps one’s own self is more unruly than others. At least, Rau had to admit that about himself since meeting Lee Hyun.
To avoid disturbing the work, Rau leaned against the wall behind the staff and Shushu, out of the spotlight. He held his breath, tightening his arms clasped in front of him, like an audience engrossed in a compelling movie. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from Shushu, who lowered his posture, climbed onto the shooting stairs, and lay on the floor, creating another rhythm to capture her breath, and from the rhythm created by the two of them, their breaths intertwining and diverging.
“Her energy is incredible, isn’t it? This is a piece she choreographed recently, about 1 hour and 20 minutes long. This is the third shoot today.”
Shushu’s assistant approached Rau and whispered in a low voice. Like someone rudely awakened from a deep sleep, Rau found it difficult to break away from his immersion and respond to his words.
“As the CEO, you know best, but the artist… she’s not someone who rushes her work to meet exhibition schedules. Still, if she says a couple of pieces would be fine, that might be manageable…”
He seemed to think Rau’s visit was for the joint exhibition in the latter half of the year.
“I thought you’d rest for a while after returning from Chicago, but you’ve been showing great enthusiasm lately.”
Until now, Shushu had mostly used multiple models, proposing poses according to his pre-prepared designs. This was his first time working with just one model, capturing the world expressed by the model. It was inevitably more challenging to reveal the artwork’s presence and three-dimensionality within a single photograph compared to before.
Whatever gave Shushu his enthusiasm and inspiration, without Rau realizing it, he was shedding the shadow of his past as a shy and fragile youth and steadily challenging and growing as a Fine Art photographer.
“It’s probably because it’s the last exhibition before the CEO leaves, so she must really want to submit something.”
Rau unclasped his arms and shoved his hands into his pants pockets, chuckling.
“That’s not it.”
The assistant, who had worked with Shushu for several years, glanced at Rau with curiosity at the unexpected response but didn’t ask outwardly.
After the work, which lasted over an hour, concluded, the dancer stopped in a pose as if about to run somewhere, her shoulders and back subtly heaving as she regained her breath. It was far from a typical dance finale, but precisely because of that, it stimulated imagination and anticipation about where and how the unspent kinetic energy would flow next.
Shushu, who continued to press the shutter after the dance, changing positions and poses for a while longer, approached the model and placed a hand on her shoulder, ending the shoot with words of thanks for her hard work.
Like an actor who can’t quite leave the scene after the director’s OK, both the dancer and Shushu seemed to be holding back their words, trying to suppress their stirred emotions for a while.
Rau signaled to Shushu, who froze and stiffened upon seeing him, that he would wait in the private room, and then walked away.
Shushu arrived in the room about thirty minutes later.
“What’s with your appearance? The CEO is worried, asking if something’s wrong.”
Shushu said, rummaging through a pile of photo books at the desk near the entrance, far from Rau, who was sitting on the sofa in the back of the room.
Over the past few days. He hadn’t eaten or slept properly, and the very act of standing in front of a mirror and caring about his appearance felt absurd and meaningless. However, compared to his internally devastated state, his outward appearance was relatively better.
Rau, skipping a response to Shushu’s words, brought up the question that had been tormenting him for the past few days.
“Tell me everything that was said that day, and how Seo Yi-hyun reacted.”
Shushu, turning to Rau with his hands down, slowly wore a smirk on his expressionless face.
“I didn’t expect you’d want to talk about that. Isn’t that a very disadvantageous story for you?”
“It would be if it concerned the relationship between Seo Yi-hyun and me, but why would it be disadvantageous for me in relation to you? Rather, it would be disadvantageous for you.”
Rau stood up and walked slowly towards Shushu.
“Why did you tell him?”
“Why didn’t you tell Lee Hyun-ssi?”
Rau’s body was large, casting a shadow over Shushu’s face, and the atmosphere emanating from his blazing blue eyes was overbearing, but Shushu stepped forward, as if waiting for a confrontation, and closed the distance, standing right in front of him.
“Naturally… I thought you….”
Shushu’s pupils, which had flashed sharply for a moment, trembled slightly. He sighed, scratched his forehead, and paced in place like a frightened person.
“That you would do something like that without even telling Lee Hyun-ssi… how could I… have imagined it?”
Rau grabbed Shushu’s shoulder, who was biting his lower lip, and turned him around.
“You’re the kind of person who doesn’t blabber about other people’s private matters, even if you know them. So why… did you do something you wouldn’t normally do that day?”
Shushu, shaking off Rau’s hand that was squeezing his shoulder as if to crush it, looked down, his voice lowering its venom, as if regretting inadvertently revealing a secret.
“It’s fortunate you met someone with whom you could show your ultimate solitude, and that it was Lee Hyun-ssi, you’re incredibly lucky… That’s what I said when talking about that. I wasn’t intentionally trying to expose a secret.”
“……”
Lau’s shoulders slumped as he clenched his empty fists. A hollow laugh escaped him, born of the emptiness that came from the disappearance of the target for his blame and despair.
Not knowing what to do or how to do it, feeling lost about where or how to rebuild their broken relationship… and hating himself. It felt as if the madness of the past few days, sustained only by the thought of blaming Shushu and pouring all his resentment onto him, was slowly draining from his body.
Shushu, looking down at the cluttered desk strewn with photo books, portfolios, and notes scribbled in illegible handwriting, quietly opened his mouth.
“No. I’ll correct that. Even if I had known you and Lee Hyun hadn’t agreed to the Changing, I might have said something.”
Shushu, speculating in a voice that sounded calm enough to be subdued, picked up a book from the desk and tossed it in Lau’s direction.
“Did you really have no other choice but to do it this way?”
Lau looked down at the book with unperturbed eyes. It was an art magazine from the October issue.
“I told you I wouldn’t ask for your help, that I’d handle it myself, right? Then, that’s no longer your concern, but a matter between Hong Seonyu and me, isn’t it?”
“How can you compare this to that?”
“What’s different?”
Lau clicked his tongue, his face a mask of disbelief, and wet his lower lip with his tongue.
“Ah, yes. It is different. Much more terrible.”
“……”
“Several times more terrible than what Hong Seonyu did to me.”
“You don’t know everything that happened between Seo Yi-hyun and me.”
Shushu burst into laughter at Lau’s firm statement, intended to cut off the sarcasm. But his face was contorted.
“Lau Wikun. Hearing you say that, you’ve truly fallen in love, haven’t you? You’re blunt and realistic to the point of being unpleasant, but you weren’t someone who said things that were so wrong. But I guess you’re no different when love blinds you.”
“……”
“After causing something like that… you’re saying I don’t know everything that happened between you and Lee Hyun?”
Shushu’s lips twisted grotesquely.
“Then what about you? Do you know everything that happened between Hong Seonyu and me?”
“……”
Lau’s lips parted involuntarily, as if struck lightly on the head, then immediately pressed shut, as if trying to hide something.
The line he had firmly drawn, distinguishing between the completely different natures of what happened between Shushu and Hong Seonyu, and himself and Lee Hyun, felt like it had blurred effortlessly with a single swipe of a muddy boot.
Rubbing the lower half of his face roughly with his palm, Lau turned and leaned against the edge of the desk. In the long mirror attached to the desk, like a dressing room backstage, a man in crumpled clothes, who hadn’t even shaved properly, glared at himself with disheveled eyes.
“I haven’t forgiven what Hong Seonyu did, nor have I fully recovered from it. And I certainly don’t want to meet him again. It’s just that… a lot of time has passed, and now I can finally step away from its aftermath and look back at the past. And most importantly….”
Shushu met Lau’s gaze through the mirror.
“I can now see that Hong Seonyu also suffered.”
Lau lowered his head, his lips sealed. His usually neat hair fell heavily, covering his forehead and eyes. Lau’s brow furrowed as he looked down at the veins and knuckles standing out sharply on the back of his hand resting on the desk.
He wouldn’t deny that his experience while Changing Lee Hyun had been far from pleasant.
While he wouldn’t deny that his Alpha blood had surged with joy whenever he was conscious of Lee Hyun reacting as he became an Omega… for most of the absolute time, he had suffered from pain and terror, as if trapped in a room with no exit, where walls studded with needles closed in from all sides.
As long as he expected Lee Hyun to take that into consideration, he had no grounds to stop Shushu from trying to lighten the weight of his past for similar reasons.
Shushu, who had moved away in the mirror, walked to the coffee maker on the other side and poured coffee from a half-filled glass pot, saying, “Back then, I was so consumed by my own pain that I couldn’t see anything else. I thought it would make me feel better, that Seonyu’s suffering was a deserved punishment he brought upon himself… I tried to ignore it, but that wasn’t true.”
Lau squinted, his brow furrowed as if blinded, and stared at Shushu’s back in the mirror.
“Facing the fact that he must have suffered as much as I did, perhaps even longer, while deceiving me, and imagining the depth of that pain… helped me regain my composure and get back on my feet. In the end, isn’t it the thought that only I was a fool, only I was damaged, only I had it hard, that torments a person?”
Shushu turned back, smiling bitterly, and offered Lau coffee. Lau shook his head. What he needed now was alcohol rather than caffeine, but Shushu’s studio didn’t keep any on hand.
“Things between us that you don’t know, that others don’t know… He had sex with someone else and deceived me, but that wasn’t all that happened between us. For a while, because of that, I tried to hate everything else, dismissing it all as lies… but it didn’t last. Because deep down, I knew… that wasn’t the truth.”
Shushu, stroking the surface of his mug, spoke calmly, then took a sip of coffee and continued. “While he was doing such things, Hong Seonyu must have been suffering constantly from guilt and anxiety… He chased fleeting pleasure, but for that brief pleasure he couldn’t refuse, he had to endure guilt for all other times. I know that now. As someone who, at one point, had shown each other our deepest selves and held each other… I simply can’t stand by and ignore his desperate struggle to overcome the situation.”
This incident would be Hong Seonyu’s choice: either accept his position and get his act together, or completely fall apart into even more pathetic ruin. That would be Hong Seonyu’s choice from now on.
Adding that, Shushu took another sip of coffee and said to Lau in a calm tone and voice, “You, who don’t understand that, wouldn’t dare to expect Lee Hyun to forgive you, would you?”
“……”
He had so much he wanted to say.
Even if he couldn’t think of a single plausible word to sway Lee Hyun’s heart, he had plenty of harsh words to shift the blame onto Shushu and vent his anger… He intended to unleash all the sharp words he had honed, as soon as he confirmed that Shushu had deliberately revealed this out of revenge for interfering with Hong Seonyu’s activities in Seoul.
Otherwise, he didn’t know what he would use to sustain himself. There was still much to do. It was too soon to let go of everything and collapse. He had to squeeze out a way to get Lee Hyun back, even if it meant enduring with the strength of blaming others.
But before he could even draw his weapon, the mere sight of the opponent’s weapon shattered his will to fight. Shushu’s words, incredibly, reflected his current situation with stark clarity. Just as Shushu had inferred Hong Seonyu’s pain and lessened the weight of his past, Lau desperately hoped Lee Hyun would show him leniency.
But the worst part was that even Shushu hadn’t completely forgiven Hong Seonyu, nor did he have any intention of starting anew with him. It was a generosity possible only because it was a distant past, no longer relevant to him.
Looking at Shushu’s calm face, which no longer held even a hint of accusation, Lau slowly shook his head as if witnessing an unbelievable phenomenon. He removed his hands from the desk and roughly rubbed his stubbled jaw.
“You said what I did was more terrible than what Hong Seonyu did? Even you, who forgave Hong Seonyu, have no intention of starting over with him.”
“……”
“Don’t worry, Seo Yi-hyun won’t forgive me, so rest assured.”
Lau said this as if discarding a useless, peeled shell, then roughly swept his hair back and spat out a short curse.
In the past few days, he had blamed every possible target of his resentment, but in the end, the one he hated most was himself, a Ghost and an Alpha.
He had hated it from the start. Being an Alpha, being a Ghost, he had never thought of them as noble specialities. If they were such precious privileges, he wished they had gone to other guys who wanted them. He had repeated his useless complaints and self-negation countless times.
He had never imagined that the time would come again, after his boyhood, when he had finally thought he had sorted out how to accept his existence, to dig into that problem again. He had certainly never imagined it would be due to a longing for others.
“My belief that what you did is heavier than what Hong Seonyu did hasn’t changed… but Lee Hyun isn’t me. You said you don’t know everything that happened between you two. Where did that confidence go?”
Lau gnawed his lips and fumbled with his cigarette pack in his jacket pocket. Noticing this, Shushu sighed, approached, and silently placed an ashtray in front of him. Shushu was a non-smoker, but he didn’t strictly enforce no-smoking rules for visiting smokers.
Lau lit his cigarette and took a hasty first drag.
“He said he’s going to Paris.”
“Paris?”
Then he told Shushu about the offer from The Hands. He confessed his own recklessness, his obsession with rushing the New York branch to keep Lee Hyun by his side, even though he had suspected Lee Hyun had received an offer, and had pretended not to know.
Perhaps, knowing that only a destructive end awaited him, he couldn’t help but move forward once he had stepped in. Like Lee Hyun’s cry that 35 percent and 50 percent were no different, the weight of the matter couldn’t be lessened no matter when he spoke, now that it had already begun.
So perhaps when Lee Hyun first learned the truth and came to find him… a humble resignation existed in a corner of his heart, thinking, ‘It’s here,’ ‘Finally, I can end it all,’ ‘I will accept the punishment.’
He lacked the courage to let Lee Hyun go himself, so he waited for someone to stop him. To stop this rampage, even if it meant shattering him…
Shushu listened, his expression complicated, biting and releasing his lips several times. Then, he slowly relaxed his shoulders, put down his mug, and came up behind Lau, placing his hands on his shoulders.
“While that is… undeniably a good opportunity for Lee Hyun… the opportunities you can open for him are no less significant.”
“Jeong Se-in.”
“……”
“Jeong Se-in.”
“Yes, I’m listening.”
Lau turned to face Shushu, shaking his head. His tightly closed lips and watery eyes seemed to have chosen resignation.
“It’s unfortunate for me, but Seo Yi-hyun isn’t the type to welcome help from a lover. He’s not someone who thinks that the best choice in a relationship is only to sacrifice their individual lives and be together.”
“I know that too.”
“Just because I helped him start painting again doesn’t mean he has an obligation to remain my Phantom by my side. In the first place… it was me who had the base thought of pretending to help him, and binding him with debt.”
Lau let out a bitter chuckle, took a deep drag from his cigarette, and turned away from Shushu. He stubbed out the shortened cigarette, picked up the pack, and held a new cigarette between his fingers, fiddling with it.
“Lau Wikun. You can’t deceive me.”
Glancing at Shushu through the mirror, he put the cigarette to his lips. The dry skin of his lips stuck to the filter.
Shushu placed his hands on Lau’s shoulders again. This time, his grip was firm.
“Lee Hyun is the love of your life. It was a big mistake… though calling it a mistake is an understatement, but if you keep trying to convey your true feelings, Lee Hyun… his heart will be moved. You can’t let Lee Hyun go to Paris.”
Lau, who was about to light his cigarette, brushed Shushu’s hand away with annoyance and turned around.
“Why? Because you need me? Because you are the love of my life, and without you, I’m just a ghost drifting, unable to find my footing anywhere, unaccepted by anyone, so forgive me, give up even the opportunities you earned with your own worth… and quietly accept the fate of becoming an Omega by my side. Are you telling me to say that?”
“……”
“To the love of my life, as you said?”
Lau looked down at Shushu, who couldn’t react rashly, then put the cigarette back to his lips and muttered coldly.
“How is that any different from the second Changing?”
“Going to Paris doesn’t necessarily mean you have to break up. You won’t be able to meet often, but you could go to Paris once a month…”
“Jeong Se-in. Why are you doing this, all of a sudden?”
Lau turned towards Shushu, raising his voice. Heat flared again in his eyes.
“Weren’t you hoping someone like me, trash, would lose my love and suffer miserably, paying for my sins? Huh?”
Shushu met Lau’s gaze without a word. They knew each other well enough that there was no need to explain that his words were born of being cornered. He hadn’t criticized the Changing itself; he didn’t want Lau to lose Lee Hyun.
“When you were diagnosed as a Ghost and were about to go to America, you said you’d go and get better. When I visited you in Boston once, you said you were almost healed. Awi, that’s not an illness. The fact that you’re a Ghost, the fact that this situation occurred… I know it’s a difficult and unusual situation for both of you to accept, but Lee Hyun… you absolutely must hold onto him.”
“It might be too late now.”
Lau mumbled, his body swaying with Shushu’s shoulder movements, and lit his cigarette.
“He said he… felt like a monster. A monster that was neither Omega nor Beta, but nothing. How can he forgive the person who made him a monster?”
He added, staring at his miserable reflection in the mirror with vacant eyes.
“I know better than anyone what it feels like to become a monster… so how can I ask him to love me again?”
“Then what are you going to do?”
“……”
Instead of an answer, Lau stubbed out the still long cigarette, which he had only smoked a few puffs of, shrugged his shoulders, and offered a smile that was worse than crying. That was all.
■ ■ ■
The clouds were low and the wind strong, as if it might rain at any moment. As usual on days when fishing was off, Grandfather and Great Uncle had already gone out separately to find someone to share soju with. On days like these, they both usually returned late, so Grandmother had also gone out to a neighbor’s for a change, leaving only Lee Hyun and his father at home.
Lee Hyun spent the day sketching. Since arriving here, he had already filled three drawing notebooks. He had once given up drawing to protect himself, but now he clung to it.
He wondered if he should have made this choice back then. Knowing it was a futile regret, he couldn’t help but feel anxious when he thought of the years he had put his hands down.
He had to admit that his desire for art hadn’t disappeared; it had merely been unnaturally suppressed. It wasn’t a desire in the relative sense of wanting to draw better than others. He wanted the freedom to draw what he wanted, as he wanted. Lee Hyun, who had never asked for designer clothes or generous allowances, had only ever shown desire and obsession for his art.
No, it wasn’t the only thing he had desired.
At first, it was someone with whom he felt he would have no connection, not even a brush of the collar. It was Lau who had closed the distance and approached him, and it was Lau who had instilled certainty into their hazy relationship. Looking back, without much effort, before he had even experienced the agony of longing or the pain of not having, his heart was somehow already in his hands.
While it had taken time for the wariness he showed towards him to subside, he had been cautious in opening his heart, and afterward, Lau had never made him anxious or hurt him with ambiguous behavior.
The coldness that sought to condemn him and the warmth that sought to defend him still warred with each other dozens of times a day, without a final victor.
His hands slowed as his thoughts tangled. Lee Hyun, who had been sketching the scenery of Boston with a photo open on his phone, turned around at the sound of his father, who had been reading a book, getting up. His father was pulling on a jacket hanging on the wall.
“It’s better not to go for a walk today.”
“……”
His father zipped up his jacket without stopping.
Lee Hyun gently pushed open the sliding door and peered outside. Jin-dol, the mixed-breed dog Grandfather had acquired from a neighbor while Lee Hyun was away, was lying with half its body out of its house. Seeing Lee Hyun open the door, it perked up its ears and stood. It was an affectionate dog that had started to follow Lee Hyun within a day of his arrival.
Meanwhile, the weather had worsened. But Father would not yield. Perhaps even this walk, repeated at the same time every day, was a form of self-punishment for Father.
Just as he gave up trying to dissuade him and was about to close the door to prepare for the walk, a knock sounded on the gate.
The gate wasn’t usually locked unless the family had all returned home for the night, but it seemed the wind had closed it without anyone noticing. Hyun-i pushed the gate further outward and raised his voice to ask who it was.
“…Is the old man home?”
The answer, delivered after a brief pause, made Hyun-i falter. In that short moment, the feeling of disappointment after harboring a flicker of hope felt awkward and bitter, even though no one had witnessed it. Who had he been expecting?
With a wry smile, he slipped on his slippers and stepped out into the yard. As he pushed the gate open, Mr. Im stood there awkwardly, his expression one of reluctance, as if he had swallowed food with an unpleasant aftertaste.
Hyun-i bowed first, then braced his shoulder against the gate, which kept trying to close, and squinted against the strong wind.
“Grandfather isn’t here.”
“Could you… see me for a moment?”
Mr. Im, speaking with a bitter taste in his mouth, seemed to have come to see Hyun-i from the start, not Grandfather. Hyun-i stepped aside, clearing a path. This was a moment he had braced himself for since deciding to come here, so there was no need to be flustered.
He had intended to guide Mr. Im to the study Grandfather used, but Mr. Im said he had to leave soon for an appointment and sat down on the edge of the veranda. Hyun-i considered offering him a cup of the mix coffee that was the only beverage served to guests, but quickly decided against it. After opening the door to tell Father to wait a moment, Hyun-i also sat down on the veranda, leaving a space of about two or three people between them.
The edge of the tarp covering the miscellaneous yard items—a washbasin, buckets, a broom—flapped violently in the relentless sea wind, preventing them from rolling around the yard. Watching the innocent face of the dog, which merely tilted its head instead of barking at the stranger, Hyun-i fiddled with his other hand, his lightly clenched fist.
“Is Morae… healthy?”
“……”
“I’m not trying to do anything. I just want to know if she’s healthy.”
He added, as if making an excuse, glancing at Hyun-i, who looked back with wary eyes.
“I’m sorry, but as long as you two are perceived as a threat by the gentleman, I have no intention of answering any questions.”
While feeling Mr. Im’s gaze on his profile, Hyun-i kept his eyes fixed on the dog. After a long moment, Mr. Im withdrew his gaze, let out a long sigh, and took out a cigarette, lighting it.
“My first granddaughter was born last month.”
“……”
Hyun-i sat silently, rubbing the inside of his fist, feeling it would be absurd to offer congratulations in this situation.
“Normally… one can only tell after puberty, when secondary sexual characteristics develop… but the hospital said… there’s a high probability she’ll develop as an Alpha.”
“……”
Hyun-i stopped rubbing his hand. His head turned towards Mr. Im on its own.
“They say some children are born with signs, very rarely… but even if the probability is high, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll become an Alpha… but you can’t ignore the probability either.”
The bluish cigarette smoke Mr. Im exhaled swirled chaotically in front of Hyun-i’s face, like a phantom dancing with madness. Mr. Im, his brow furrowed deeply, stared somewhere in the yard with a complex gaze.
“I’m trying to prepare myself mentally, just in case.”
Mr. Im, a Beta male who had opposed Morae’s relationship with Lee Hyun because he had hidden Morae’s gender until now, citing that female Alphas were treated as grotesque mutants in this conservative fishing village. For him to seek out Hyun-i specifically and reveal the family’s secret was tantamount to asking him to convey his change of heart to Morae.
Hyun-i carefully observed Mr. Im’s profile, which looked as if he had aged and grown weary over several years in just a few months.
“I don’t know what kind of resolve she had… but no matter what, the path was blocked, making it impossible to follow her. She’s not that heartless a child… to leave her parents behind like that…”
As Mr. Im trailed off and brought the cigarette to his lips, Morae came to mind.
“Don’t you think your father will forgive you someday as he ages? He was so protective of you since you were little, especially when it came to your affairs.”
Hyun-i remembered Morae’s tears, which finally burst forth at Great Uncle’s words. She had chosen the path of deciding her own happiness, but she wasn’t so immature as to deny her parents’ love for her.
Everyone loves in their own way. They make choices based on their own ways of loving, and sacrifice something in the process. In Hyun-i’s experience, having seen and heard of the real world, perfect love existed nowhere.
If he were to admit it, he thought, perhaps Lau’s love alone was flawless and complete, that his love, which had compensated for his past, had no flaws or weaknesses, deep down somewhere in his subconscious.
“Could you… ask her to call, even just once? If she hates me, then for her mother’s sake…”
Mr. Im extinguished the cigarette, which had burned down to more than half, by grinding it against the side of the veranda and stood up. For a fleeting moment, his heart softened, and he felt an urge to tell her that she was well and healthy, but it didn’t seem like his place to interfere.
As Mr. Im stood up, the dog, with its bouncy gait, trotted over and sniffed at his feet. Mr. Im glanced down at the dog, then, as if he had lingered too long, hurried out of the yard.
The dog, which had followed Mr. Im to the gate, now ran to Hyun-i and nudged the tip of his shoe, shaking it. Hyun-i bent down and stroked the dog’s fur, then, feeling the cold that had finally registered, rubbed his arms and returned to the room.
His father, who had been waiting, leaning against the wall, stood up. Hyun-i quickly put on his jacket, rummaged through a drawer, and took out a worn muffler, wrapping it carefully around his father’s neck.
“The wind is harsh.”
Father, standing with an impassive gaze, turned his back and left the room as soon as Hyun-i removed his hands. Hyun-i grabbed two umbrellas, one for his father and one for himself, and followed him.
The wind, which seemed to blow from all directions rather than just one, did not stop Father’s progress. Unfazed by the wind’s resistance, he ascended the hill at his usual brisk pace and sat on the bench as usual, facing the biting wind that made one squint and hunch their shoulders.
Hyun-i sat beside him, looking down at the sea below the cliff, saying nothing. There were no further developments to the story with Lau, which had concluded yesterday.
The sea, raging and foaming white as if howling ferociously, brought to mind his clear blue and white eyes.
His empathy, which had felt his past pain, and his love, which had opened the possibility of understanding Father, however dimly… he could not believe it was a lie.
Yet, paradoxically, it would have been less painful if it had all been a lie. What was confusing was that he had given him love and betrayal, empathy and silence, all at once.
He wished it would rain buckets, but the sky merely grumbled low until they descended the hill and passed through the center of the village. It was only when they reached the entrance of the northern uphill road leading to Grandfather’s house, at the beginning where the crude murals started, that Hyun-i felt one or two raindrops on his cheeks and the bridge of his nose.
And then he spotted a white SUV parked in front of a mural depicting a shark family. Hyun-i’s steps slowed. Father, who would normally have moved at his own pace without hesitation, slowed down to match his.
Lau got out of the driver’s seat.
Despite the confusion and conflict he had endured over time, the first emotion he felt upon seeing him was relief. Dumbfounded by his own reaction and feeling deflated, Hyun-i lowered his head and let out a short, hollow laugh.
They say blood will tell. Or perhaps, the body is honest.
Of course, neither phrase perfectly described this situation. But setting aside the fierce battle between his head and heart, Hyun-i felt those words come to mind in response to the immediate reaction his body showed towards him.
The next thought was that he didn’t fit this place at all.
Lau was dressed in jeans, a plain t-shirt, a simple jacket, and sneakers, but his attire was stylish enough to stand out here. Due to the bad weather, there wasn’t a single passerby, but his exotic appearance and tall stature alone were enough to draw the attention of the locals.
He hadn’t come here to make him anxious, but to do what he had to do, yet it would be a lie to say he had never imagined if he might show up. In his imagination, he had avoided Lau’s gaze, unable to make a decision. His imagination always stopped there.
But in reality, he could look him in the face. It felt unreal that he was here, in the place where he and Morae and Lee Hyun used to loiter on his daily commute to school, and he couldn’t take his eyes off him, as if watching a character step out of a movie screen.
He walked towards Hyun-i with a pace neither slow nor fast, and pulled up the corners of his firm lips into an awkward smile.
“Have you been well?”
Although he had shaved cleanly and his hair was neatly styled, up close, his face was a mess. His skin was rough, and his eyes were sunken. His gauntness, which made his jawline more prominent, was a given.
“It’s only been a few days, so this greeting might be strange?”
He said, rubbing his chin area broadly, trying to create an ordinary, calm atmosphere, but he couldn’t hide his tension and caution.
“I thought you might not be able to come… so I canceled our dinner appointment for tonight.”
It seemed like a lighthearted joke, but Hyun-i couldn’t smile. Lau let out a small sigh at Hyun-i’s continued silence and squinted under the overcast clouds.
“Could you spare me a moment?”
Hyun-i looked back at his father standing beside him.
“You go on ahead. I’ll talk for a bit and then catch up.”
“……”
His father’s gaze turned towards Lau. However, no emotion flickered in that gaze.
Was it polite to greet him, or would it be an inappropriate action in this situation? Lau, who seemed to be contemplating with a complex expression, stepped forward and bowed politely. It was the first time Hyun-i had seen Lau bow in greeting rather than offer a handshake.
“Hello, I am Lau Wikun, the representative of the gallery where Seo Yi-hyun is affiliated.”
“……”
Hyun-i, watching his father’s profile as he stared at Lau’s face with an expressionless gaze, took the first step and said to Lau.
“Let’s go.”
But before he could take two or three steps, Hyun-i’s wrist was pulled back. Hyun-i’s surprised eyes turned to his father. It wasn’t a strong force, but his father was pulling him.
“……”
As the distance widened, Father took a step closer. He unwrapped the muffler Hyun-i had put around his neck and, this time, wrapped it around Hyun-i’s neck.
In that moment, he was not even aware of Lau’s presence standing right beside him.
His father’s eyes remained closed, unreadable. He still hadn’t uttered a single word. But he had been listening to Hyun-i’s story all along. Father knew who this man with the sudden, cloudy blue eyes was. And perhaps… he was concerned about the hurt Hyun-i might receive after following this man.
Father’s blunt fingertips squeezed the end of the muffler once, then released it. He then took one of the two umbrellas Hyun-i was holding, lightening his load, and slowly turned to begin ascending the slope.
Hyun-i’s eyes did not leave Father’s back until he rounded the corner and disappeared.
He didn’t consider this a resolution or reconciliation. Rather, this might be the beginning of a fierce conflict. But that conflict was precisely the task he had to overcome long ago, the one he had to pass through physically to reach resolution and forgiveness. Without it, not only resolution and forgiveness, but even engraving scars as individuality would be impossible.
“If there’s a quiet place to talk, let’s go there.”
At Lau’s voice, Hyun-i slowly turned his head. In this small rural village, his appearance was too conspicuous. Wherever they went, he was bound to attract attention. He tucked his chin into the muffler and said quickly in a calm voice.
“It would be better to talk in the car. Let’s go somewhere else, not here.”
The raindrops, which had been few and far between on the way, had turned into a torrential downpour by the time they reached the coast. As if making up for the delay all day, the rain was fierce.
Lau stopped at a shop at the entrance of the beach, ran into a convenience store, and bought two cups of takeout coffee. Then, as Hyun-i had instructed, he slowed down and turned onto a narrow path along the edge of the beach. It was the closest spot they could park the car to the sea.
“My Hyung and Noona always used to surf here. I… would spend my time watching the two of them, sitting over there.”
Hyun-i said, pointing to the sandy beach in front of the shops.
“Why didn’t you try it?”
Shall I teach you? —The memory of Morae’s repeated offers made Hyun-i smile faintly as he fiddled with the coffee cup in his hand.
“I guess so. It was such a long time, I should have tried it at least once.”
Silence followed after he finished speaking. Hyun-i looked out at the beach stretching to his right, and Lau looked at Hyun-i’s profile. Both of them occasionally brought their coffee to their lips, as if remembering.
The silence was not as harsh or sharp as one might expect. But it was not the same comfort as before, where they accepted each other without the burden or awkwardness of having to say something. They were not consumed by intense emotions like when they clashed at Phantom, but their emotions hadn’t completely disappeared either, allowing them to smile at each other.
“Before I went to Chicago, the medication I took after my check-up with Choi In-woo.”
At Lau’s voice, which broke the silence, Hyun-i slowly turned his head towards him. The muscles in his jaw were tightly clenched as he looked down at the coffee cup held in his lap.
“Most of it was vitamins… but it also contained a very mild suppressant. Just in case.”
“I heard from In-woo Hyung.”
“……”
Lau’s face turned towards Hyun-i. It was a quick reaction. Whether it was an involuntary action, he bit his lip as if regretting it and lowered his gaze again.
Lau, who had told him to keep his phone on, had never contacted him. He didn’t want to understand or empathize with him, but he could guess his feelings about why he couldn’t call. So he didn’t wait.
Instead, In-woo called once a day. Hyun-i wondered if he might not answer, wanting to focus only on the issues here, but he couldn’t shake the curiosity of whether he might hear news about Lau.
He hadn’t expected him to visit or call, but at the same time, he was curious about how he was spending his time. He found himself unfamiliar with this contradiction, like someone glancing sideways while claiming not to care.
In-woo had repeatedly apologized for the surprise kiss and for telling Lau about it, saying he was sorry. However, Lau, while reacting sensitively to the name In-woo, did not try to confirm anything by bringing up the kiss.
The rain showed no sign of letting up.
The downpour, which felt like standing in the rain without an umbrella, brought to mind the day they had a get-together after returning from Hong Kong, eating hot pot. The car Lau had used to give him a ride home that day was also this SUV. His thoughts naturally connected to Lau, who had silently embraced him when he went to his house after meeting Great Uncle.
Lau, who had been silent for a while, took a deep breath, filling his chest, and slowly exhaled. Hyun-i stopped thinking and took a sip of coffee.
“I’m not sure if anything I say can alleviate your suffering even a little… but I thought that remaining silent just because I don’t deserve forgiveness isn’t a very good response either.”
I deliberately didn’t look at his face. Scratching the surface of the paper cup with my fingernail, I waited for the words he must have prepared in pain, without properly sleeping or eating.
“I couldn’t stop.”
“…….”
“I knew it was a grave mistake, and unlike Choi In-woo or Shushu’s thoughts, I didn’t even have the confidence to make you understand. Yet, I was so foolish and reckless that I couldn’t understand myself why I couldn’t stop, then or now.”
After a short sigh, the story continued.
“I wanted to make you an Omega, but more than that, I… I wanted to be your Alpha. I know it sounds like an excuse, but that’s probably the honest reason.”
Lau, who had placed the paper cup in its holder, rested his hand on the steering wheel.
“Fierce sexual responses that betas couldn’t even imagine, and a blind protective instinct like that of a loyal dog…. I found those Alpha traits towards Omegas barbaric and humiliating, so I trained harder than anyone to become a Golden, but… if the one who made me that way was you, I would have gladly, willingly, put that leash on myself.”
As if to prove these were words filtered through a sieve, shedding all unnecessary shells until only his naked self remained, his voice trembled but was not emotional. I could feel him strongly suppressing himself whenever emotions tried to flow in and mix.
“I felt joy for the first time in being an Alpha who could love someone bound from a more primal place than mere conversation and emotional exchange, surpassing the love between betas… but while I came to know love and my Alpha self awakened, that was from my perspective. You are a beta. You probably wanted to love me as a beta.”
His hand, gripping the top of the steering wheel tightly, came into view. Lee Hyun’s hand, holding the paper cup, also tightened.
“I’ve lived my life scoffing at how shallow sentimentality can be, like promises for a lifetime, but like Shushu said, I guess I can’t help it.”
He let out a dry laugh and turned his body slightly towards Lee Hyun.
“Everything I’ve said until now, it’s all sincere.”
“…….”
“For my entire life, no one will ever know what my pheromones smell like. Only you can make me an Alpha, and help me accept myself as an Alpha. My reason and emotions, even the very essence of my Alpha body, are yours forever.”
Though the content was grand, he didn’t speak like an orator. He was almost humble, as if this were the most trivial and pathetic story imaginable.
Only then did Lee Hyun lift his head to meet Lau’s gaze.
“I’m not saying this to be forgiven… it’s simply what I offer you. Even if you don’t accept it, I have no choice but to give it to you….”
Unlike a moment ago, when he hesitated with pity for someone unreachable, his eyes were now fixed directly on Lee Hyun. His calm, blue eyes tinged with gray were not pleading for emotion, nor were they demanding it.
In this moment, he was fully immersed solely in the act of conveying his love. Whether it was a noble love or a twisted love… just as it was.
Lee Hyun’s lips parted slightly. Lau, his gaze fixed on that small movement, took a deep breath. Glancing at his hand tightening on the steering wheel, Lee Hyun quietly opened his mouth.
“I don’t doubt the words you’ve just spoken.”
Lee Hyun could see Lau’s eyes waver with faint hope, though he seemed to be trying his best not to show it. Aware that Lau was reacting sensitively to his every word, Lee Hyun wrapped his hands around the paper cup.
“But separate from that, I’m still confused about how I’m supposed to accept the situation that has brought us here….”
Lau leaned forward as if to say something, then bit his lower lip and pulled back again. His hand on the steering wheel was now clenched into a fist.
“You said you wanted to love me as an Alpha too… but I don’t know what it’s like to be dominated by pheromones.”
“You have no reason or obligation to know.”
“…….”
Looking into Lau’s eyes, which spoke quickly and decisively, Lee Hyun shook his head.
“I do have an obligation. When I didn’t know you were Changing me, I… I said I loved you, and believed it, yet I didn’t try to understand you as an Alpha.”
“Wanting to Change you was an Alpha’s desire, but my Alpha self is something I can’t help… I didn’t mean to ask for that kind of understanding.”
Lee Hyun shook his head firmly.
“I’m speaking separately from you Changing me. It’s not that because I didn’t try to know you as an Alpha, I should understand your Changing me.”
Lau looked at Lee Hyun in silence, then ran a hand down his face and turned forward, exhaling with a groan.
“……Right.”
It was a voice so low it seemed about to extinguish.
He hunched over the steering wheel, biting his lower lip, and gazed out at the sea being pounded by rain. It was as if he were forcibly holding back the emotions filling him and threatening to overflow. Lee Hyun felt the same.
Before coming here, when he had gone to see Lau as a Phantom, confusion, bewilderment, and simmering betrayal had been dominant. Now, with those initial emotions somewhat subsided, the feelings he experienced looking at the situation were closer to sadness and pity.
“As a Golden Alpha, you must be almost perfectly free regarding pheromones. I don’t know much, but I thought it was similar to a beta. I just thought of it that way.”
Just as he hadn’t paid special attention to Morae as an Alpha.
Lee Hyun lowered his head and looked down at the paper cup in his hands. His throat felt tight, making it difficult to speak.
“I’m a beta, so how did I stimulate your pheromones?”
His face, which had been staring straight ahead, turned to Lee Hyun with a stiff expression.
“In-woo Hyung said it. He asked what was the point of suppressing your pheromones like that. He asked if you were trying to become a beta. You’re someone who can control your pheromones that thoroughly… why couldn’t you do that for me, a beta, not an Omega?”
Regretting that he had spewed out words that were useless, Lee Hyun turned his head towards the passenger side window. Feeling his eyes sting, he bit his lower lip and furrowed his brow. He wished what he held wasn’t coffee but alcohol.
After a long silence, the sound of Lau quietly lighting a cigarette came from the adjacent seat. The sharp scent of tobacco spread through the car. After two or three slow puffs, Lau spoke in a weary voice.
“I was adept at defending against external pheromones that stimulated me, but not against internal stimuli. The desire for the person I love starts from within me.”
“…….”
“This is the first time I’ve desired someone like this, so I can’t be certain, but… perhaps I knew how to control myself to have a mature love, even if I could control others’ pheromones.”
He couldn’t accept it. What he had received from Lau wasn’t just basic necessities and a life of abundance beyond that. All the empathy, advice, and the fulfillment of being understood when he confided his past still remained within him. He was by no means an immature person.
But Lee Hyun knew from experience. Even mature people sometimes made immature mistakes.
Before his mother’s accident, his father had been one of the most mature people his young self could imagine, possessing a gentle core that didn’t let others dictate his life.
After a slow inhale of his cigarette, Lau’s heavy voice continued.
“It was beyond immaturity; it was ugly and selfish. Perhaps it’s one of the most terrible things one can do to someone they love.”
It wasn’t self-criticism to evoke Lee Hyun’s sympathy. Rather, his tone was as if he were talking about someone else.
Looking down at his cooling coffee cup, barely touched, Lee Hyun recalled In-woo’s ruthless coldness, comparing Lau’s Changing to rape. His clear judgment, cleanly separating himself as the victim and Lau as the bastard.
For the past few days, he had pondered with the belief that there must be an answer somewhere. But cutting Lau off. Or accepting him. Neither option felt completely satisfactory. He couldn’t separate Changing alone and consider it individually, as In-woo had done, but he also couldn’t completely cover up Changing with everything else.
“That’s right. It was selfish, ugly, and a terrible act.”
“…….”
“But… that wasn’t all of it.”
“…….”
“Because I know that… that’s why I’m here, unable to move forward or back.”
That was the honesty. The repeated hesitation, stemming from being unable to coldly push him away, nor fully accept him.
“You changed my body. So, only I, the party involved, can pass judgment on you for this… and there isn’t an answer somewhere; my decision is the right one….”
Lee Hyun pressed his palms against his eye sockets. Lau, who had hastily stubbed out his cigarette, took the paper cup from Lee Hyun’s hand and secured it in the holder. Turning towards him, he reached out a hand towards Lee Hyun but couldn’t touch his shoulder.
“Yes, that’s right. Only you can pass sentence. Your decision is the right one. No one can apply different standards to you or judge your decision.”
Lee Hyun scrunched his entire face up, trying not to cry. Lau, as if unable to watch any longer, pulled Lee Hyun’s nape towards him. His lips brushed against his temple.
“Do you remember what I said back then? In Chicago. When we first told each other we loved each other.”
He couldn’t easily forget the moment he first said and heard the words “I love you” in his life.
“No matter what happens from now on, I hope the sincerity of these words is never doubted or tarnished. I asked you that, didn’t I?”
“…….”
“I don’t dare to speak of forgiveness in front of you. Just… know that I love you. I will continue to keep my promise of not letting anyone else smell my pheromones, and I will stay here….”
Lee Hyun shook his head. He wanted to be honest, giving up on cornering himself and Lau with only venom. That would be more comfortable.
“I don’t know…. I really hate you, and I want to lash out, asking why you made the situation like this… but if I leave… what will happen to you?”
Lau, separating himself from Lee Hyun’s body, gripped Lee Hyun’s shoulders tightly. Then he lowered his head to meet his eyes. His eyes were red-rimmed but no longer wavering.
“Lee Hyun-ah.”
“…….”
“Even before knowing about the Changing, you knew you had to go to Paris… Don’t sacrifice the path you must take… to forgive me.”
The memories of finding comfort by leaning on him, and facing himself and his past within his love, had not been invaded. However, continuously expecting value from another that one cannot give oneself is not love. The reason he had to leave wasn’t just the Changing.
Lau’s touch gently pulled Lee Hyun again.
I’m okay. I’m really okay. — he whispered in his ear, repeating it several times.
“I will continue to love you. If I suddenly feel like seeing you, on a whim, I’ll rush over immediately. And if you then say you can’t stand the sight of me, I’ll disappear right away. It doesn’t matter how many times we repeat that. So don’t give up anything because of me.”
Lee Hyun took a breath. He tightly grasped Lau’s chest, which he was looking down at.
“You’ve already changed enough… because of me.”
His voice, softly permeating, was the Lau Wikun he knew. But he hadn’t wanted to take only the softness from him.
“Paris isn’t that difficult a place for me to go. You know that. I’ve been there once or twice a year until now, so if you’re there, can’t I go once a month, or even once a week? Physical distance means nothing.”
He knew Lau wouldn’t come. But Lee Hyun bit his lip and nodded. He curled his fingers and gripped Lau’s shirt tighter. The sound of rain, like tons of sand pouring onto the car, was almost a relief. It felt like being trapped in the rain with just the two of them, cut off from everything in the world, or blocking out the entire world.
They simply listened to the sound of the rain until their emotions subsided, or at least appeared to.
Lee Hyun, his cheek resting near Lau’s collarbone, slowly pushed away with the hand gripping his shirt, sat up, and the car slowly pulled out of the beach.
Neither of them spoke a word during the drive back to the small clearing below the slope. Lee Hyun had an umbrella, but Lau unfurled a large umbrella, like the parasols he always carried in his trunk, and walked up the slope with Lee Hyun.
Even after arriving at the gate, neither of them could easily turn away. Lee Hyun looked up at him, standing close under the umbrella, for a long time. During the days he used to enter and exit this gate daily, he had never imagined that someone would one day deeply enter his life. It felt like the present had abruptly intruded into a dead past.
Lau’s eyes, looking at Lee Hyun, were calm. His resolve not to shake Lee Hyun by revealing longing to touch or a desire to stay and hold him was firm.
“Drive… carefully.”
Lau smiled faintly, as if hearing those words from Lee Hyun was the most precious happiness in the world, and nodded.
Passing through the small yard and climbing onto the porch, Lee Hyun looked back. Lau’s umbrella was still peeking above the gate. Tearing his gaze away from the unmoving umbrella, he entered the room to find his father looking at Lee Hyun’s drawing, the desk lamp on. It was the first time, but he was so exhausted in body and mind that he didn’t even have the energy to be surprised or moved.
The emotions he had focused solely on suppressing while he was with Lau slowly began to seep out. Leaning his back against the wall, he slid down to the floor, and as if waiting, his vision instantly blurred.
He bent his knees, resting his arms on them. As he lowered his head, tears, unable to bear their weight, soon fell onto his thighs. He clenched his fists, but couldn’t completely stifle his sobs. Nevertheless, his father didn’t look back. But it didn’t matter. In fact, it was better that way.
Perhaps his father, who had experienced being far from a loved one, knew that there was no adequate comfort for this moment.
If one continuously called the past into the present, without burying it, perhaps the past could be reborn in a different form and meaning someday. A moment might come when scars transform into individuality. But for now, even that hope couldn’t dilute the pain.
He wanted to open the door, run out, and follow him, who might still be at the gate or not far away, and throw everything away to just embrace him. The sound of the rain slowly subsided over a long time.
■ ■ ■
The two held hands tightly. Their shoulders fit together without any gap. They didn’t seem to be discussing anything particularly important, but enthusiastic reactions followed each word the other spoke. Even as he put the phone he was holding into the front pocket of his bag, the man didn’t let go of the hand he held. It was mid-October, but a straw hat woven from raffia lay on each of their laps.
A couple at the peak of happiness. They looked like a couple heading on their honeymoon to a hot resort.
After checking in, Lee Hyun sat on a nearby bench, in case he was called due to an issue with his luggage. The couple sitting opposite him, only a couple of steps apart, were looking at them meaninglessly. Lee Hyun subtly shifted his gaze away from them as they began to whisper sweet nothings.
A family of four entering the airport with a luggage cart, friends who looked to be in their early twenties chattering and playing excitedly despite the long check-in line, a foreign businessman hurrying with his passport and ticket, as if he had arrived just in time…. Lee Hyun, looking around at the diverse people with interest, bent his waist, rested his chin on his thigh, and turned to Yuni beside him.
With a slightly tense expression, she seemed lost in thought. Noticing Lee Hyun’s gaze, she met his eyes and smiled brightly. As Lee Hyun smiled back, she reached out and ruffled her hair.
“The Director said… they’d be at Phantom late today for the final check on the joint exhibition.”
She seemed to think Lee Hyun was waiting for Rau. But Lee Hyun, to his own surprise, harbored no such expectations. Still, he simply smiled faintly and nodded.
Yuni didn’t know it, but yesterday evening, Lee Hyun had gone to Phantom to meet him.
When he went up to the second floor, he was standing in the center of the exhibition hall, directly ahead as one ascended the stairs, contemplating the placement of the artworks. It was the place where he had first met him. A strangely peculiar feeling washed over Lee Hyun, and he leaned against the railing for a moment, watching him instead of approaching him immediately.
The first time they met, he had gradually revealed himself as he ascended the stairs, and it was from that very spot that Lee Hyun had been helping Yuni and Joo-han. His first impression was one of intense presence and striking appearance, making Lee Hyun wonder if this was perhaps a Golden Alpha. At that time, all he had asked Lee Hyun was, “How do you know Manager Han?”
Watching him, who was rolling up the sleeves of his shirt, scanning the artwork list in his hand, and fiddling with his eyebrows, Lee Hyun found himself chuckling at the sheer magnitude of change time had brought.
He, too, noticed Lee Hyun and offered an awkward smile, placing the file he was holding down on the desk.
Lee Hyun, who had come up from Donghae three days prior, was staying with Joo-han at his officetel. This was the first time he had seen Rau since parting ways at Grandfather’s gate that day.
“When I get there… I’ll contact you.”
After exchanging a few words about the artworks submitted for this exhibition, Lee Hyun had spoken those words, running his hand down his arm. Rau, with his lips pressed tightly together, had nodded slightly. Just as Lee Hyun had nodded, knowing that Rau’s words about meeting him in Paris were a lie.
Then, Lee Hyun had kissed him first, his gaze cast down at an angle. Gripping the back of his neck and pulling him closer, their lips met, and his chest instantly stiffened. As Lee Hyun tilted his jaw and rubbed against the inside of his lips, Rau finally shed his hesitation and wrapped his arms around him tightly. It was an embrace as if he were casting everything else aside to grasp only Lee Hyun.
Rau’s breath, as he lowered his head deeply, burrowing into Lee Hyun as if to crush his nose, trembled and grew ragged. Stroking his long hair, Lee Hyun sucked strongly on his lower lip, just as Rau had always done to him. Beneath his lowered eyelids, Rau watched him with a pained smile.
After sharing a kiss in a scent he would never forget, a scent he already missed, Lee Hyun left Phantom and wandered the streets late into the night.
“Seems like there are no major issues. Shall we head in?”
Yuni, confirming that more than five minutes had passed, slung his crossbody bag, which he had placed beside him, over his shoulder and stood up first. Lee Hyun, with his backpack on, took one last look around the still crowded hall and followed Yuni towards the departure gate.
He felt as if Rau were watching him, wearing the sunglasses he always kept in his chest pocket. Even if it were true, he had no desire to find him and confirm it. Besides, it felt as if he were being watched, whether he actually was or not.
The flight to Charles de Gaulle Airport, with layovers in Shanghai and Amsterdam, was well over twenty-five hours long. The economy seats were cramped and hard, but Lee Hyun felt neither boredom nor discomfort. With his left shoulder offered to the sleeping Yuni, in the darkened cabin, he thought of only one thing.
■ ■ ■
“I did a final walkthrough of the exhibition. The placement is good.”
“The gallery’s been operating for years, what’s there to be surprised about?”
Rau responded dryly to Manager Han’s compliment, bringing the cigarette he had just tapped into the ashtray back to his lips. Manager Han looked at him, appearing exhausted, and smiled a silent, bitter smile.
The day before the VIP opening, after finishing his external work, he had visited Rau’s home under the pretense of reporting and meetings, but in truth, he had come more out of concern. As expected, Rau had been engrossed in work without even having dinner, returning home just now. He barely touched the hamburger Manager Han had bought. He only managed a few fries.
“Since Yuni isn’t here, I’ll be in by 9 tomorrow. Manager Han, you come around 10.”
“Joo-han is here.”
“How can I trust that guy? It’s the first major event without Yuni, so I need to be there from the start to oversee it.”
Rau crushed the half-smoked cigarette and straightened his posture, which had been loosely leaning on the table, then took a drink of beer. Having watched firsthand what kind of time he had spent over the past few weeks, Manager Han skipped words of comfort and instead gathered his jacket and bag, rising from his seat.
“The painting, it’s gone?”
Rau, who had been walking ahead, stopped in the middle of the living room and looked back. He looked up at the spot on the sofa where
Manager Han, who lingered by the door even after putting on his shoes, lightly tapped Rau on the shoulder.
“Want to go out for a drink?”
“Are you pitying me?”
“Can’t I? You have a face that requires considerable sympathy.”
Rau chuckled and put his hands in his pants pockets, leaning his shoulder against the hallway wall.
“I appreciate it, but I’m tired. I need to conserve my energy if I’m going to last at the after-party tomorrow.”
After Manager Han left, Rau returned to the dining room, tidied up the remaining food, and placed the cups in the sink. As he exited the kitchen, dining room, and living room, he turned off the lights in sequence. He climbed the stairs, dimly lit by the light seeping from the second floor, passed through the white-walled hallway, and entered his bedroom, rubbing the back of his neck and tilting his head back. His eyes closed, and a sigh escaped him. The indirect lighting from the hallway leading to the bathroom was the only illumination in the room, but he felt no need to make it brighter.
Rau let his arms fall loosely to his sides, looking around as if bewildered, like someone suddenly robbed of their task. Then, pushing his bangs back, he walked over to the refrigerator next to the sofa and poured about half a glass of whiskey from the tray. He sank onto the sofa, then rotated the high-backed armchair halfway around.
As the neat whiskey flowed down his throat, he gazed for a long time in the darkness at a single painting hung on the wall directly opposite his bed.