By Zephyria 
“…You’re going to cook? Hyung is?”
“Well, I know I can’t do anything too fancy.”
Still, Seo Baek-han said he could at least make porridge, rummaging through the cupboards. His confidence was evident as he chose cooking utensils and peered into the refrigerator. Hyung was good at cooking…? I never knew.
“Is it because of me?”
“What do you mean?”
“Making porridge.”
He doesn’t even look at me, just throws the question out like a passing thought. He suddenly pulls out all the kitchenware he never used, even burns a pot in the process, and then asks if it’s because of me? I’m speechless.
Starting with cheesy lines like ‘I love you’ and then acting all sly, asking if I’m making porridge for him, that’s when I think, ah, Seo Baek-han is Seo Baek-han.
“I thought you must have been feeling terrible after turning away like that, so I, no. Anyway… it bothered me the whole time.”
…Ah. Was that not what he meant?
“I know you can’t sleep well when you’re worried, and you get heartburn so you can’t eat properly. I felt like I was just adding to your burden.”
“Ah, it’s okay.”
Joo Tae-hyun bit his lip, reflexively stopping it from parting slightly, feeling embarrassed. He wasn’t trying to make porridge for me, but asking if I was going to eat it because ‘I’ was feeling unwell?
“But Tae-hyun.”
“……”
“Tae-hyun. …Joo Tae-hyun?”
“Yes? Ah… yes.”
“Are you okay?”
Seo Baek-han tried to check my complexion, asking if something was wrong, and I was startled, taking a step back. Seo Baek-han’s pale face, his rough lips, suddenly felt unfamiliar.
“…I’m okay.”
Joo Tae-hyun flinched slightly, looking a little surprised, and Seo Baek-han quickly withdrew his hand as well. He gathered his fingers together, cupping them inward, as if he had been about to check my temperature.
“Hmm.”
Seo Baek-han swallowed a very small groan. Without even a line of excuse, like, ‘My hand just moved without me thinking,’ or anything. Judging by the way he unconsciously pursed his lips, it seemed he had barely managed to swallow an apology.
Seo Baek-han’s actions, retreating as if nothing had happened, were perfectly natural, yet a brief awkwardness lingered in the air.
“So, your body-.”
“Your stomach okay-.”
We both hovered near the cupboards, glancing at each other, and the words came out at the same time. Ah, the timing… Joo Tae-hyun gave him a slightly awkward look, and Seo Baek-han smiled brightly, as if something was really funny.
“You rest. Or study or something. You have a lot to do, right?”
Seo Baek-han scanned the kitchen again, saying he’d take care of it since he didn’t need any special ingredients besides instant rice.
Joo Tae-hyun stared blankly at his retreating back. There seemed to be no reason to clear up the misunderstanding, but it also felt strange to let Seo Baek-han wander around his house like this.
The frown he had been forming softened, and a sense of emptiness and bitterness filled its place.
Right. What is this even supposed to be?
Why are we, or rather, why are Seo Baek-han and I, doing this?
“Or do you want to sit down?”
“……”
“Looking in the fridge, it doesn’t seem like there’s much to drink, but I can warm up some milk for you.”
Not a question with a slightly raised intonation, but a calm declarative sentence, as if he were stating something obvious.
He was probably saying it out of consideration for me.
Because he felt sorry for making me wait in front of my house and then suddenly collapsing. Because he felt sorry for even calling Doctor Woo and asking him to treat me. Or perhaps because he felt sorry for trying to touch my forehead so familiarly just now…
Besides, Seo Baek-han was misunderstanding, thinking that my stomach was a mess because of him. He was bustling around, offering to make porridge and prepare something to drink, clearly doing it for me.
But why do I suddenly want to act like a child? I feel like I’m about to unleash long-held resentment towards Seo Baek-han, who keeps being so unilaterally kind.
It was my own will to help him until he returned home, and it was my decision to put the past behind us during that time. It wasn’t that I wanted to act like nothing had ever happened between Seo Baek-han and me, but that I didn’t want to drag out a topic that had already been resolved between us.
But I don’t know why I keep feeling this ugly sense of defiance. You’re still less hurt than I am, you haven’t suffered as long as I have… That ugly, childish feeling kept bubbling up without me realizing it.
“I threw away the flowers. They all withered.”
Yes, like this.
As if I had decided to hurt Seo Baek-han. Even though I knew perfectly well that my words would become sharp arrowheads, piercing Seo Baek-han’s heart, I wanted to drive him into a corner.
“Ah, right. The flowers… Hmm, I made you do something annoying. Thanks for taking care of it for me.”
But even looking at his back, which twitched slightly, I didn’t feel any better. Seeing him blame himself and suffer from his belated realization of his feelings for me didn’t make me feel any relief.
At this rate, nothing will change.
Looking at Seo Baek-han’s back, which was conveying so much without a single word, Joo Tae-hyun recomposed his dizzy stomach. He wanted to move forward, not sit down and stomp his feet just because it was hard and painful. With this much grumbling, with this much spite, it seemed right for me to shake it off and get up.
“…And you’re banned from saying ‘thank you’ from now on.”
“Huh?”
Seo Baek-han turned around quickly at Joo Tae-hyun’s voice, which was still sulky but seemed a little more relaxed.
“Looking at it now, you’re just glossing over things by saying ‘thank you’ instead of ‘sorry’.”
When I grumbled about how that didn’t mean anything, Seo Baek-han just smiled, even forming a slight dimple. Not a sneering or cold smile, but a literal smile.
Like the moment he told me he loved me.
* * *
「Thank you. This is all the cash I have… I’ll send the rest through the app.」
「Wow, this is more than enough… Thank you! Enjoy your meal!」
The delivery person gave a cheerful greeting and disappeared.
“Hmm, it’s a little cold, as expected.”
Seo Baek-han sat at the table with a huge pizza box and drinks. Today’s first meal was finally delivered food.
“But doesn’t it still smell burnt? Should I open a window?”
“…It’s okay.”
As a result, the pasta pot and frying pan, which I had never even used, were completely burned, following the pot. Seo Baek-han also failed to make proper porridge.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘Ah, Tae-hyun. That’s…’
After pulling out all the instant rice, as well as some oatmeal and perfectly good rice that had been stashed away somewhere, and burning it all, Seo Baek-han declared defeat. I thought he was decent at cooking, since he had spoken so confidently.
In the end, both of us ended up eating cold pizza for our first meal. There weren’t even any decent restaurants with good ratings nearby. Seeing how something always happens when I try to eat something with him, maybe it’s better to just stay cooped up and order delivery…
“You said your stomach wasn’t feeling well, is it okay to eat this?”
“You’re the patient, Hyung.”
“I’m fine as long as I have you.”
Seo Baek-han replied casually, opened the box, and playfully added, ‘Ah, I mean, your pheromone.’ He was being considerate, worried that I might feel burdened, but Joo Tae-hyun felt very awkward about his kindness. However, he didn’t want to make himself out to be a pathetic person who was thirsty for affection, so he didn’t bother to nitpick, like, ‘Why are you acting so touchy-feely now?’
“Don’t you have anything you’re curious about? Anything you want to say to me?”
As he had been doing lately, Seo Baek-han changed the subject, since I wasn’t giving him an answer. Of course, the direction Joo Tae-hyun had expected was completely different.
“Suddenly?”
“I just thought you probably have more pent-up feelings than I do.”
Seo Baek-han laid the groundwork, saying that we only had less than ten days left to see each other, so I should say anything I wanted to say.
“I don’t know.”
The cheese on the cold pizza was half-hardened, and grease was dripping from it. As soon as I took a bite, the salty and spicy taste hit me hard. Is this really okay for a patient to eat? I glanced at Seo Baek-han, but he didn’t seem to care, just separating the pizza slices that were stuck together.
“I don’t know. Is there anything I don’t know about Hyung? Like your first love?”
I didn’t want to talk about Seo Baek-han and my tedious past anymore, so I threw out a joke. But-.
“Hmm? My first love? It’s you.”
Cough, I couldn’t help but cough violently.