By Zephyria 
I lay quietly on the bed, looking up.
The room I used in the Valentia townhouse had been the same for over ten years. The bed was large, leaving about five spans of space at my feet, and draped with a dark canopy. Every time I left, the servants would shake it out and re-tie it, so the pattern of the folds changed slightly each day.
Just as I had done the day before yesterday and yesterday, I would probably greet the morning today by counting the folds of the canopy with my eyes wide open. My body could endure several days without sleep, so if I just stayed put like this, my family wouldn’t find out…
Is the child alright?
I thought I was staying by the child’s side for Ruben’s sake, but now I realized I was actually lingering in the study because I wanted to spend even a little more time with Ruben.
I don’t know what love or affection is that makes me lose my mind thinking only of that child whenever there’s a moment’s gap, or even creating one if there isn’t.
Was the bed I lay in alone always this cold?
Ruben’s body temperature was on the lower side. But that was only when you first touched him; once held, he would warm up considerably in less than ten minutes. Because of that, even when I didn’t particularly need sleep, listening to the child’s calm, settled breathing would naturally make my eyes close.
Even on nights when sleep wouldn’t come, it was still wonderful just to gently count his cold fingertips. They were just five fingers, like everyone else’s, but repeating the act of counting them over and over made my throat tickle as if I’d swallowed a feather, and I couldn’t have been happier.
In contrast, now, it felt as if a large hole had been punched somewhere inside my ribs, and the wind blew through, leaving me hollow. Even when I smiled, it didn’t feel like a smile; even when I ate, it didn’t feel like eating. I had only been away for just over four days, yet I felt this empty.
I suddenly sat up and checked the clock.
It was just past midnight.
I usually woke up at six in the morning. My family all knew that. Then… As my mind raced, my hands naturally reached for my clothes. I folded my pajamas and placed them on the bed, then gathered my shirt and pants, and even brushed my hair for no reason.
It would be alright for just a little while.
If I ran at full speed, I could reach the Imperial Palace from the townhouse in thirty minutes.
I’ll just go and see if the child is sleeping well, tuck them in, and come back. It would be nice to just watch their sleeping face for a long time, or to playfully tease them by stroking their thick, unformed fingertips. They’re such a sensitive child, what if they wake up the moment I touch them? Still, they wouldn’t dislike it…
My mind filled with these thoughts, and I felt a surge of excitement.
I went out onto the balcony, quietly closed the window, and jumped down. I ran, taking advantage of the night to avoid being seen. The cold wind brushing past my ears made me feel like I had gained the whole world.
❖ ❖ ❖
Thinking they would be asleep at this hour, I first checked the bedroom, but Ruben wasn’t there. Then, wondering if they were still working, I checked the study, but Ruben wasn’t there either.
Fearing that any embarrassing sounds might reach my family’s ears, I had secretly infiltrated the palace, avoiding the Imperial Knights. I knew I shouldn’t be doing this, yet I couldn’t believe myself, doing this just to see my child’s face.
If not the bedroom or the study, then it must be the study.
It was fortunate that I had learned how to conceal myself beforehand. I climbed the wall and reached the study balcony. Fortunately, half the curtains were drawn, and half were open, making it easy to observe the inside. Pressing myself against the window frame, I peeked inside.
And I was startled.
Rubel, leaning back so loosely that the thick, heavy back of the chair was fully reclined, looked more… annoyed than ever. No, I wasn’t sure if such a word could even describe it.
On the vast study desk, a stalagmite decoration, resembling crystal, cast a faint, pale light over an area only about three to four spans wide. Bathed in that light, Rubel’s face was similarly pale and stern. Had I ever seen Rubel looking so haggard?
No matter how many times I looked, it felt strange and unfamiliar, and my tongue involuntarily stiffened.
A couple of buttons on the shirt, which he always fastened neatly to the very last one, were undone. His surprisingly cool eyes quickly scanned the documents in his hand. With a tak, the way he tossed the stack of papers onto the desk, anxiety and impatience clung to him like leftover tea dregs.
Rubel pressed the back of his hand against his eyes and tilted his head back.
Every time the child took a deep breath, their broad shoulders slumped, filling my vision. After a moment of gasping for breath, they roughly ran their hands through their hair, disheveling it, and then sat up again. Watching this felt like a sin.
Is the work not going well? Should I just go back? As I pondered this, Rubel, who had been glaring fiercely at a corner of the wall, reached out his right hand to the side.
I was greatly surprised by the liquor bottle that suddenly appeared from the corner where I was hidden in the child’s shadow. The way he poured strong liquor, filling more than half of the glass with rough hands, seemed very familiar.
Click.
I deliberately made a sound. In less than half a second, Rubel, who had already rummaged through his clothes and drawn a dagger, saw Ikyun.
And our eyes met.
The fierce glare in his eyes widened in surprise, and his dark pupils trembled slightly with confusion. As I stood still, with the moon behind me, I saw a blush spread across the child’s cheeks. My mouth felt sweet, as if I had swallowed a handful of sugar.
Rubel, flustered, fumbled with the dagger in his hand, unsure where to put it, and placed it on a corner of the desk. The glass, shaken, spilled some of its contents, wetting the edge of a document. The child rushed over and flung open the balcony door, and the dry scent of liquor wafted closer. I let out another hollow laugh.
“…Mika? No, now… How…? Why…?”
“Why aren’t you sleeping and doing this?”
The man who, just seconds before, had worn a strange and fierce expression, immediately became a sulky child, pouting his lips. Naturally, I opened my arms and hugged his waist, and his body leaned into me, carrying a faint scent of perfume and liquor.
“…Because there’s no one to put me to sleep…”
“Haha. Still, you should sleep at night.”
“Mmm, how did you get here? What is it…”
The child looked up at me with an undisguised smile blooming on their face, which was truly lovely. Unable to resist, I kissed their forehead and the corners of their eyes a few times, and the child melted happily.
“It’s similar for me.”
“Mmm…?”
“I can’t sleep because there’s no one to put me to sleep.”
Ruben wrapped his arms around my neck, and I naturally lowered my head. The brief kiss that touched and then parted brought back the bitter taste of liquor, making me laugh hollowly again. Even though I knew he had become an adult in my absence, it always felt so strange and new.
After standing like that for a moment, embracing each other, I wrapped my arms around Ruben’s waist and pulled him towards the chair.
I took the seat Rubel had just been sitting in. The child, without any hesitation, quickly climbed onto my lap. Like a colt gifted a fresh hay ball, they nuzzled their nose against my cheeks and neck, breathing in short, moist breaths.
Gently stroking Ruben’s arms, I met his gaze.
“Should I just go back?”
“…”
I meant it sincerely.
It was true that I cherished my family greatly. But how could I spend my time at ease, leaving behind a child who couldn’t sleep, spent their time drinking, and was anxious and sad, pacing restlessly, because I was gone? I could have taken care of my family while Ruben was working. I don’t need much sleep…
However, Ruben playfully bit my shoulder a few times but didn’t agree to it.
“…No.”
“Why?”
“What would Mother and Father think of me…”
“What would they think? They’d just think the child can’t sleep alone.”
“…”
Did I say something wrong? The child’s bite grew stronger.
After sulking for a while longer, Ruben straightened his back and sat up. His face, looking much more relieved than before, still held a faint blush. Gazing at that face, I lowered my eyes to the desk. The liquor glass, with damp rings spreading around it, cast long, iridescent shadows.
Ruben, seeing where my gaze fell, tried to push the glass away slightly, so I asked again.
“Was it like this every time I was away?”
“…Like this?”
“Did you only drink and not eat?”
“Ah. No, no. This is just because I couldn’t sleep… It was only like this today.”
“I say that because you seem to have lost some weight.”
I wrapped my hands around Ruben’s waist, feeling his girth. Even though Ruben had grown up surrounded by all sorts of delicacies, he had no interest in fine dining. Whenever he felt slightly uncomfortable or worried, he would often subsist on a cup of bitter tea and a few pieces of fruit.
Still, he had gained a little weight before I left to meet my relatives.
Every time the child took a deep breath, the center of their toned abs indented, forming a deep groove. I spread my hand wide and traced over it, and the tense child bit their lower lip shut. Ruben was particularly ticklish. As he kept squirming, a mischievous thought arose, and I stopped my hand.
When our eyes met, our lips naturally touched and parted.
“…You said you wouldn’t lie.”
“That’s…”
His lips, which had parted slightly, closed again. His thoughtful expression was clearly visible on his face. I already knew that Ruben’s affection was to readily show me expressions that he could otherwise hide.
As I waited patiently, the child soon gave the correct answer.
“…Actually, twice…”
“I’ve only been gone for four days, and twice?”
“…”
“As expected, tomorrow,”
“No, no. This is the truth, Mika.”
Ruben cupped my cheeks in his hands, meeting my gaze.
“I know now. If I wait, you’ll come back, won’t you?”