By Zephyria 
===
Eun-won quietly shook his head. There was no way he felt burdened. The kindness Cha Se-jin showed him was always heart-fluttering and appreciated.
“No…. It’s not because I feel burdened…. It’s because I like it, I really like it so much…. Because I like it so, so much… I’m just so scared that it might disappear….”
At the mention of fear, Cha Se-jin’s hand paused for a moment on the back of Eun-won’s hand.
“I also love the time I’m spending with you right now, Executive Director. I really do. But when I like the present… I start thinking about what comes next.”
“What comes next?”
“Yes. I want tomorrow to be good too, and a month from now to be good…. I want the winters, springs, and summers we’ve never spent together to be just as good as it is now.”
Eun-won took a difficult breath. He knew the volume of his words was growing. Even so, he couldn’t stop. No, he didn’t want to stop. He wanted to reveal all the feelings he had let out. He wanted to make them known. He wanted to say that he liked him very, very much.
“Next year, and the year after that…. Five years from now, ten years from now, I want to be with you.”
“…….”
“Because I like you, Executive Director….”
His lips trembled. Saying he liked him wasn’t enough. Those words couldn’t reach the depths of this feeling.
“No, because I love you… I keep thinking about what comes next.”
A long silence descended under the light of the lamp. Eun-won lowered his gaze, unable to look Cha Se-jin in the face.
“…I’m not saying you’re wrong or that what you said was a mistake. I like the present too. I really do. I like it so much… I don’t even know what to do with myself…. That’s why I hope it doesn’t end for a very long time….”
Eun-won looked down at Cha Se-jin’s hand, which was still holding his. He was still warm. That made it even more difficult and desperate.
“Does it not sound sincere when I say I love the time I’m spending with you, Darling?”
“…It’s not that. I know you’re speaking sincerely right now. I know, but… the present… can change.”
“Why do you think that?”
Eun-won couldn’t answer immediately. His mind was a mess. Eun-won had memories of “presents” that he loved not lasting long. Times that he thought would naturally continue because they were so precious, only for the situation to suddenly change and end one day.
“…I think… I have a hard time believing that a good present will continue.”
He recalled a “now” that had once been good. As his mother’s face filled his mind, Eun-won took a deep breath, closed his eyes tightly, and then opened them.
“…Before I liked you, Executive Director… I had a mother whom I loved so much. Not every day was perfect, but everything was okay because I had her. I thought the time she spent by my side would last forever. But it didn’t…. Through losing her, I learned that there are things you cannot hold onto, even if you want to.”
“…….”
“And then, after spending a long time alone, my father came to find me. My father… and his wife… they were really kind to me at first. At that time, I was family to them. At least, I was then.”
Eun-won paused for a moment. Recalling what happened back then brought a slight headache and a dryness to his mouth.
“But because I didn’t meet their expectations… that ‘now’ I believed was good changed far too quickly…. Until yesterday, they worried about me, took care of me, and called me family…. But the moment I gave a different answer, all of that vanished.”
“…….”
“Then, if I decided to go the way they wanted again, I became family once more. The… warm words I needed would return at those moments.”
He was afraid that after hearing about his pathetic self, Cha Se-jin might let go of his hand. But Cha Se-jin did not let go.
“That’s why, to me, saying the present is good… feels like the moment the situation changes, that present can change along with it.”
“…….”
“That’s why, while I love the kindness you show me now, Executive Director… I’m so scared it will disappear…. Right now, you like eating with me, sleeping with me, and being with me like this… but what if one day it’s no longer enjoyable? What if my face, which you like now, no longer looks good in your eyes…. I keep thinking those things.”
“…….”
“I’m sorry…. You haven’t done anything wrong…. Even while receiving something good, I worry about it disappearing first…. I’m truly sorry. I didn’t intend to tell you all this….”
“No. I understand what you mean.”
Cha Se-jin’s hand wrapped a bit more deeply around Eun-won’s.
It wasn’t just a casual remark. Now that he had heard it, he felt he understood. Of course, he would need to think more about it, but at the very least, he understood why Eun-won was so anxious about the present.
Having lost his mother young, and having a family that returned later only to change the face of their kindness depending on the situation, it was only natural to be anxious about the warmth of the “now.” It was something he had experienced firsthand several times at a young age.
So, it was perhaps natural to be afraid. The words “I like the present” could sound as if he only liked the present for now. It wasn’t hard to understand. That was how Eun-won had lived. He had passed through a time where he had no choice but to be this way.
Thinking of it that way, it was simple. Anxiety derived from the things Eun-won had endured, from the inevitable wounds he carried.
He could just categorize it like that. It wasn’t a difficult task. Just as he had easily solved everything until now, he could do it this time too.
But then, his Hyung’s voice suddenly came to mind.
‘How long are you going to stay by his side?’
‘What if you suddenly decide you only want to be there until today?’
‘Seo Eun-won has come this far looking only at you, clinging to those words of yours.’
‘It might be a light word to you, but Seo Eun-won might be clinging to every single word you throw out and then forget as you turn away.’
Cha Se-jin blinked very slowly.
Right, back then, his Hyung had said something similar regarding Eun-won. On the day Eun-won went to a hotel with friends, while drinking in the courtyard. He told him not to speak only of the present, that every word could reach Eun-won differently.
At the time, he thought his Hyung was overreacting. He wondered why he was dragging a future that hadn’t happened yet into the present to make things difficult. If things are good now, isn’t that enough? He and Eun-won were getting along well now, there were no big problems now, and they liked each other now—wasn’t that all that mattered?
That was how Cha Se-jin had always lived.
He bought what he wanted now, ate what he wanted to eat now, and spent time with the person who was most enjoyable now. He followed his heart as it moved, his interest as it arose, and let go as the fun faded. He had lived like that without any problems. There was always a “next,” there were always better options, and his “now” was generally always satisfactory.
That was also why he had met people casually. Because as long as that moment was good, it was enough. They wanted each other, enjoyed it, and when it ended, it simply ended. There was no need to calculate feelings for tomorrow. There was no reason to attach words of responsibility to a time that hadn’t arrived. To Cha Se-jin, the present wasn’t so much “light” as it was “clear.” If it’s good now, it’s good. If it’s disliked now, it’s disliked. Just choose what you want now.
But both Eun-won and his Hyung were anxious and concerned about that “now.”
Why?
Cha Se-jin looked down at his hand gripping Eun-won’s. In his palm was still a small, warm hand. It had been trembling until a moment ago, and the tremors hadn’t completely subsided even now.
He couldn’t understand why the two of them seemed to be saying the same thing. It wasn’t as if the two had met and talked about him, so how could they worry and be concerned about the exact same part?
If so, was this not a problem that ended with Eun-won’s wounds alone? Was there a gap he didn’t know about in the very words “now” that he had naturally spoken?
“Executive Director…?”
It seemed he had been silent for too long. Eun-won called him cautiously. Only then did Cha Se-jin look at Eun-won. Eun-won’s face, reflected in the lamp light, looked a bit pale. He looked as if he regretted revealing so much of his heart, and it made Cha Se-jin’s chest tighten.
He had to give some answer… but he didn’t know what to say. Until a moment ago, there were things he could have said confidently, but after recalling his Hyung’s words, he couldn’t speak rashly.
Should he just say everything is fine?
Or, should he say it won’t change?
That they would continue to be together, that he wasn’t the kind of person to change his words so easily?
But strangely, those words didn’t come out easily. Not because he couldn’t, but because he didn’t know with what weight he should say them now.
And thinking about it again, he might actually be the kind of person Eun-won feared most.
A person who easily changed his mind depending on the situation or mood, who met people easily if he felt like it, and then turned away just as easily once he grew bored.
The moment that thought occurred, his mouth went dry.
For the first time, Cha Se-jin realized that the way he had lived so nonchalantly could be a source of anxiety for someone else. Disposable, light relationships that didn’t consider the future at all. Relationships that naturally ended after once, without even needing to think about the end.
But he didn’t want to do that with Eun-won.
Eun-won wasn’t someone who was just “over” once it ended. He wasn’t someone to be liked only when things were good, kept by his side only when it was fun, and naturally distanced once the interest cooled.
At first, it was a marriage he rushed into with a light heart because the face was exactly his type, but now, that wasn’t everything. It wasn’t that he enjoyed eating with him because his face was pretty, or that spending time together was fun simply because he was his type.
And yet, he had never told Eun-won that fact in a way he could understand. He remembered that he had always only told him he was pretty.
“Executive Director…?”
Eun-won called Cha Se-jin cautiously again. Only then did Cha Se-jin realize he was gripping Eun-won’s hand too tightly and loosened his grip slightly. But he didn’t let go.
“I’ll think about it.”
“…….”
“Everything you said.”
Cha Se-jin slowly stroked the back of Eun-won’s hand, whose eyes were faintly wavering, with his thumb. He didn’t yet know which words were right, or what promise he should make to completely erase this anxiety. But he felt that if he said he didn’t know, or if he tried to brush this situation off lightly by saying everything was fine, it would only make things worse.
“I can’t say that I’ve fully understood everything right this second….”
“…….”
“But I won’t pretend I didn’t hear it. Why you think that way, why my words are so scary to you… I’ll think about it carefully.”
Eun-won’s lips parted slightly and then closed.
“No…. I think I said things I shouldn’t have…. You don’t have to go that far….”
“I should go that far.”
Cha Se-jin’s voice dropped low.
“You said you love me.”