#66

“Dammit, this is because of you.”

Finally, Tennessee spat the words out. Even hearing Tennessee’s resentment directly, Amber wasn’t hurt in the least. The reason Tennessee resented him wasn’t because Amber had done something wrong, but because he had forced him to acknowledge the truth.

“I’ve never been like this. I’ve never had such stupid thoughts! I knew I was a bad man, but I’ve never hated myself this much. Do you understand? I wasn’t like this even when I was a child.”

Tennessee had experienced a great deal. Through everything, he only felt as much emotion as he allowed himself. His life had always been one of restraint. But suddenly, seeing young Amber’s missing tooth—that mischievous, gaping hole and the black hair fluttering softly in the breeze—he witnessed something stirring within him.

It was guilt.

Since he hadn’t been happy, he never had to worry about happiness.

“Is that why you’re struggling so much?”

At Amber’s question, Tennessee shook his head firmly. Then, he anxiously rubbed his forehead and let out a sigh. Amber waited patiently.

After a few minutes passed, he finally gave a faint nod.

“Yes.”

“Did it become more painful the happier you were with me? Because you felt you didn’t deserve it?”

“…Yes.”

“…Do I make you unhappy?”

“…No.”

He simply wanted to be complete together. Even though it was something not permitted to him.

He remembered the posters, brochures, and books Amber had brought when he confessed that he wished he were disabled. What kind of temptations must Amber have had to overcome?

“There is no such thing as a qualification for happiness, Tennessee.”

“There is. Look at me. I’m a perfect example of someone unqualified.”

Just as Amber’s frustration seemed to stem from a deep-rooted sense of helplessness, Tennessee’s frustration began with deep-rooted guilt. It wasn’t something that could be undone instantly like magic. Still, Amber did not give up easily.

Since his own life had been a series of misfortunes, it had also been a series of challenges against that misfortune.

“Then, do I have the qualification?”

Tennessee nodded to Amber, who asked while placing a hand on his own chest. He didn’t know who was granted the right to happiness, but Tennessee believed that Amber, more than anyone, had the right to be happy.

“If you have a sin, can’t I take some of that sin away?”

“…Amber.”

“I’ll become a better person. I’ll try harder. Can’t we be happy together?”

Amber let the words out in a low, sunken voice.

“Don’t worry about my pain. I’m not a child. I won’t collapse just because you lean on me.”

Then, Amber reached out cautiously, as one would to a wild beast. When Tennessee didn’t pull away, Amber’s fingertips, his palms, and soon his entire body made contact. It was an embrace where their souls intertwined. Tennessee closed his eyes.

I want to live.

Tennessee thought.

Even if the whole world pointed fingers, even if he was a being who couldn’t stand proud before God, he wanted to try living properly. A life he had never dared to hope for.

“If you’re going to be in pain, be in pain in front of me. Please, accept me. I’m not a child anymore.”

Seeing how he poured out those criticisms today, Tennessee thought hollowly that he certainly wasn’t at a child’s level. He felt a momentary flash of displeasure at the accusations, but it didn’t weigh on his heart.

The final thin, yet dense membrane finally tore, and bright sunlight poured through the broken shell.

“…Yes, you’re right.”

Tennessee finally admitted that he was as clumsy as Amber was unfamiliar with the relationship of being lovers. Amber was right. Instead of sending him to Michigan as if he’d been waiting for the chance, he should have sought a solution together.

“Apologize to me.”

“…I’m sorry.”

“I’ll accept your apology.”

However, Amber gave a low warning that if he tried to send him to Michigan again in the future, he didn’t know what he would do. Thinking, as if your warning matters, Tennessee let out a faint smile. Nevertheless, he nodded earnestly.

* * *

With his chest pressed against Tennessee’s back, Amber tightened his arms around him. It was his favorite position. Strictly speaking, his favorite pose was when Tennessee hugged him tightly, but since the stingy Tennessee didn’t do that often, this was the best among the possibilities.

Amber’s voice flowed low, like a lullaby.

“So Derek was pinning me down, and Mr. Huston was behind me.”

‘Let’s each tell the thing we hate most.’

It was an activity Amber had suggested once at the hospital.

After a massive fight, they had become hungry and quickly finished their food. While sitting on the sofa watching a movie, Amber had been clinging to the reclining Tennessee, and they had ended up in this position. After turning the TV volume down for a long time, the two of them stared silently at the fast-moving images. Then, Amber had casually tossed out those words.

“At that moment, strange things started popping into my head. Has that ever happened to you, Tennessee? Like I was on drugs, or like I was broken… stupid, random questions like ‘what should we name the baby if we have one’ popped up like popcorn and filled my head.”

In a low voice, as if reading a fairy tale, Amber brought up the most terrible nightmares he had experienced, one by one. Tennessee just listened silently. Though his breathing grew ragged at times, he maintained his composure and waited until Amber finished speaking.

“And then I went upstairs, and everyone was awake. There wasn’t a single child sleeping.”

I screamed so loud and just called out any names I could remember, but no one came down. In reality, everyone had been listening.

“Harley, Cooper, Hailey, Jeff… I still remember.”

“Do you forgive them?”

“No. But I understand.”

“Want me to kill them for you?”

“…You really are at the peak of unethical behavior.”

Tennessee closed his eyes, feeling the warmth of Amber wrapped around his waist. Amber didn’t urge him, but he maintained a quiet silence. It was a clear expectation that couldn’t be missed.

Now it was his turn.

“Amber.”

However, before sharing such memories, Tennessee suddenly called Amber’s name. Amber’s eyes widened, but he soon pulled him closer into his embrace and listened. It was a voice that was always pleasant to hear.

“Yes, Tennessee. Speak, I’m listening.”

I am always, always listening to your voice.

Amber closed his eyes. His heart swelled. It was a familiar happiness and a familiar sense of stability, but unlike before, he wasn’t anxious at all. It used to feel as if a monster’s claws were brushing the hairs on the nape of his neck, taunting him. He was currently in a defenseless state where a monster could snatch the back of his neck at any moment, yet he wasn’t nervous in the least.

“What do we do if it rains?”

Beyond the sofa, a cozy landscape unfolded through the window. Realizing it wasn’t a conversation about the weather, Amber smiled brightly.

Finally, the waves had calmed. The shadow cast over his world grew thin. It became weak and insignificantly small, as if digging into the ground. However, it never completely disappeared. That was inevitable because there was light. But Amber looked at the shadow beneath his feet and thought: It wouldn’t be so bad to rest in the shade for a while.

The monster had become a wild beast. Someday, this beast would become a tamed animal.

“…Flowers will bloom,” Amber said with a smile, indicating that since he had given an answer, it was now truly Tennessee’s turn to tell his story.

That day, the two of them fell into a peaceful sleep on the narrow sofa.

* * *

When Tennessee struggled to wake up to the piercing sunlight, Amber was deep in a satisfied sleep. As he prepared to leave the bed, Tennessee realized he hadn’t seen Amber sleep much since he was a child, and he stopped, perched on the edge of the bed.

Despite having quite a sharp tongue, Amber looked like a gentle child while sleeping. A pure child who would burst into laughter instead of crying even if he fell.

Perhaps it was because his eyes were closed. Because Amber had distinct outer corners of his eyes and thick eyebrows and features, he had a strong impression if he wasn’t smiling. Moreover, since he always wore a smile, Tennessee didn’t have many memories of seeing his face without an expression.

Maybe that was why. With his eyes closed, Amber looked quite endearing, deep in sleep with his mouth half-open and a much softer face. Perhaps because of the sunlight, he furrowed his strong eyebrows a few times and rubbed his cheek against the pillow. Then, he reached out and smoothly stroked the bedsheet from the top.

Was it a habit? Tennessee watched as Amber slowly opened his eyes. Blinking intermittently at the sunlight, Amber gave a big stretch and smiled softly.

“Good morning.”

“…Good morning.”

To see Tennessee like this first thing in the morning.

The moment his day began, Amber’s mood soared terrifyingly high. He flew upward. Instead of shackling his ankles to keep from surging above the earth, Amber decided to let himself go. What if he fell? He could just fly up again.

Just as Amber was about to hug Tennessee, who was staring at him, the doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it.”

Stopping Tennessee as he tried to get up, Amber stood. After a long yawn, Amber went out, dragging his slippers.

Knock, knock.

Since the doorbell didn’t work, it was now knocking. Impatient, Amber thought, and opened the door.

Since they weren’t located in a remote area, people occasionally rang the doorbell. It varied from children selling Girl Scout cookies to solicitors, people shouting for some civic movement, or neighbors. When he opened the door, Amber had expected someone like that. Other than those people, there was no one else who would visit anyway.

However, the person who appeared when the door opened was someone he had not expected at all. Amber froze with the door open.

“Hi, Amber. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

The woman he had consciously tried to forget, and the one who had caused him his first great frustration. It was Kaelen.