#33

Amber struggled to force a smile. He wasn’t sure how his smile looked.

“Are you telling me to give up on you? When you’re such a great wallet, driver, and bodyguard?”

Tennessee let out a faint smile, almost a scoff, and turned around. I wasn’t found out. Amber was relieved, but at the same time, he was anxious.

“Where did you say you wanted to go?”

Tennessee asked while opening the refrigerator. His fridge was almost always empty, but not today, as he took out some packaged food.

“The Field Museum of Natural History.”

Amber blurted out any tourist spot that came to mind. He had absolutely no interest in museums or skyscrapers, but he had used the excuse of wanting to tour Chicago to come to Tennessee’s house.

Because he couldn’t say, I wanted to be with you.

“Then shall we go after breakfast?”

The Field Museum was open year-round except for Christmas. Like most museums, as long as they didn’t go too late, it would be fine.

“Okay.”

Amber replied with a bright smile. He had tried to help Tennessee, but Tennessee just told him it was fine and to go sit down. Resting, was it? At those words, Amber perched on the edge of the bed.

“It might be dirty.”

“It’s okay.”

Contrary to Tennessee’s words, the bed wasn’t dirty at all.

While sitting on the bed, Amber looked around the room. It wasn’t his first time here, but it felt different every time.

There wasn’t much to pique his interest, but Amber wasn’t bored in the slightest. Or rather, strictly speaking, there was almost nothing here. There were only the essentials for daily living and a few pieces of furniture; in fact, some of the basic necessities Amber considered essential were missing. Yet, Amber liked it here.

While Amber looked around, Tennessee heated up some food and set out drinks and tableware. Amidst the occasional clinking sounds, Amber discovered something beneath the bed. It was a piece of white cloth.

Bending down to pull it out, he realized it was one of Tennessee’s shirts. Tennessee wasn’t the kind of person to shove clothes under the bed like this. Just as Amber thought that, a red mark left on the inside of the collar caught his eye.

Smoothing the shirt out with his hand, Amber brought his eyes closer.

It was a lipstick stain.

“Want some Mountain Dew?”

Tennessee asked, his back to Amber as he opened the refrigerator again. Amber forced his constricted throat open to speak.

“……Yes, please. With ice, too.”

“Don’t have any.”

With his expression wiped blank, Amber pushed the dress shirt back to where it had been. Looking down at the back of his own pale hand, he buried his face in his palms. He steadied himself and repeated the thought.

He might see things that hurt even more in the future.

Perhaps, just perhaps, Tennessee had found a lover. It was a slim chance, but they might even be in a serious relationship.

He had to prepare himself. He took a small breath, but his racing heart felt as if it might leap out of his throat. It felt like it would vomit up all the words and remnants of emotion he had forced himself to swallow.

“Come and eat.”

“Yes, I’m coming.”

Amber checked his reflection in the window. A pale, immature face and hollow eyes. He couldn’t stand before him looking like this. Amber grit his teeth. He still had a long way to go; he couldn’t afford to be this hurt by something like this. He had to become numb to the pain, to get used to it. Just as he had always done.

Amber sat across from him.

“What’s with that look?”

As expected, Tennessee noticed the abnormality immediately. However, Amber gave a thin smile.

“I should be saying that to you. Did you not get much sleep?”

Tennessee pressed his fingers to his temples several times, and a hint of fatigue showed on his face.

“Yeah. I’m always like this.”

To be precise, Tennessee hadn’t slept a wink since the day he dropped Amber off. On Friday, he had to exercise for a long time because of a physical fitness test. After that, Kaelen had visited. They spent the night together until dawn, and after Kaelen left, Tennessee spent his time lying down aimlessly. Though he craved sleep due to accumulated fatigue, Tennessee had to spend the night wide awake. In the pitch-black darkness and the faint sound of sirens, Tennessee chased sleep, but as always, he had to give up with the arrival of dawn.

Insomnia. Tennessee thought that perhaps he could count every star in the night sky. But looking at it now, it was a foolish thought. The monster called sleep descended upon him unawares. It was as if the moments of agony from being unable to sleep had all been a lie.

“You should sleep now.”

“I have to go to the Field Museum.”

“You can go to the museum in the afternoon.”

“You get some sleep too.”

“I’m fine.”

Surprisingly to Amber, Tennessee obediently headed toward the bed. His gaze was certainly a bit more vacant than usual. For the first time, he looked cute.

“Will you be okay?”

Amber nodded. Then, Tennessee collapsed onto the bed as if falling. He really was exhausted, Amber thought instinctively.

And as if under a spell, Tennessee fell fast asleep in an instant.

Amber watched him endlessly.

The lipstick stain would not leave his mind.

Amber buried his face in his knees. The food grew cold. Tennessee had made it for him. It was cold and lacked delicacy, but he knew that Tennessee cared for him deeply. However, the gap between knowing and feeling was cruel.

Without picking up the fork once, Amber pushed all the food into his mouth. Silence descended. After hesitating, Amber approached Tennessee.

Tennessee sleeping peacefully in front of him was a rare sight. Amber put into practice something he hadn’t been able to do last time: touching Tennessee’s hair.

His long fingers unfurled. Amber’s fingertips touched Tennessee’s black hair. Contrary to his expectations, Tennessee did not wake. Without so much as a twitch of an eyebrow, he breathed in a quiet, regular rhythm.

After hesitating, Amber moved his hand. Tennessee’s black hair flowed through his fingers like a wave. His hair was surprisingly soft. He was a man who seemed as if your fingertips would freeze if you touched him, yet he was this soft. In reality, he was like that. Amber thought he was a man who wouldn’t allow a single step inside, yet he gave up his space so easily. He fell asleep so defenselessly.

Amber let out a trembling breath.

Regardless, Tennessee was here by his side now. Though even God might not know where his heart lay, he was here. By his side.

* * *

Tennessee went abroad for work again, but Amber was not discouraged. Because Tennessee had told him that after this job, he would be working in the United States. It was a sweet anticipation.

When he called a few months later, Amber asked what kind of job he had gotten. After a brief silence, Tennessee told him, “Security.”

“That’s amazing.”

Amber was sincere, but Tennessee gave a small laugh and replied, “They told me it doesn’t suit me.”

“Who did?”

[Anyone.]

Amber dared to assert that they were wrong. It was a job that suited Tennessee perfectly.

‘I’m not exactly the type to be a proper parent or guardian. You’re young; you need to find someone who can actually protect you.’

Amber didn’t know who Tennessee had killed or how, but he was certain. If he were truly less than human, he wouldn’t suffer from such terrible insomnia. He wouldn’t have willingly looked after a child who had nothing, nor would he have confessed that he owed a debt to the boy.

After the final job with the FBI, Tennessee returned to Chicago. Strictly speaking, “returning” wasn’t the right word. He had no home. But the space of Tennessee that remained in Amber’s mind was that place in Chicago. The one with the rusted stairs but a wonderful night view.

And by the time Tennessee purchased a 3-flat in Chicago, Amber had become a high school student. It was a high school under a private foundation, similar to his junior high. It was co-educational and large in scale.

From around the time Amber adjusted to school life and the second semester began, they were able to meet occasionally, if only for a short while.

Around then, Amber realized that Tennessee’s insomnia was more severe than he had thought. He learned that Tennessee had been taking sleeping pills all along and was trying to reduce his dependence on them. However, strangely, he seemed to sleep soundly whenever Amber came to Chicago. Since Tennessee was a busy man, he couldn’t always get long periods of sleep, but considering how much he usually struggled, Tennessee’s expression looked much better even after sleeping for only about three hours.

At first, Amber only stroked Tennessee’s hair. The black hair was surprisingly soft. To think Tennessee had a side like this. The silk-like texture fluttered between his fingers.

15 – Chapter

As Tennessee slept soundly beneath his palm, Amber’s greed gradually grew. He spent a long time simply watching the quietly sleeping Tennessee, and sometimes he would perch right beside him. Even if Amber moved a bit clumsily or accidentally knocked something over, Tennessee would only frown faintly in his sleep without waking.

Around that time, Amber began to lie down beside Tennessee. Even when he rustled and burrowed under the covers, Tennessee didn’t wake; instead, as if sensing a faint presence, he would toss and turn, making room for him.

Since Tennessee slept quite deeply once he was out, Amber could feel his body heat for two or three hours before getting up.

As this became a routine, Amber gradually began to let his guard down. One day, Amber ended up falling asleep in that position. When he opened his eyes at some point, he found himself locking gaze with Tennessee, who was looking back at him.

They were calm eyes.

What do I do? Will he be angry that I lay in bed without permission?

Just as a frightened Amber tried to scramble up, Tennessee’s blue eyes closed. With a soft sound of breathing, he drifted back to sleep, and Amber let out a sigh of relief. In moments like these, Amber felt as if he were taming a lion king or a ferocious beast. A cruel predator that showed no mercy, yet a beast that silently permitted his approach.