22 – The Pit of Contradiction

Arriving at the staff booth, Eun-soo collapsed into a chair. He had been running here and there to handle the endless stream of visitors, and it had been incredibly exhausting.

Eun-soo sipped on his lukewarm iced coffee. Then, even that became too much effort, and he set the coffee down haphazardly and let his arms hang limp.

Sunday night. The baby fair they had painstakingly prepared for was finally over. While he couldn’t say for certain, the number of visitors was higher than expected, no one was injured, and judging by the pleased faces of the corporate representatives as they packed up, it seemed to have been quite successful.

As Eun-soo was cleaning up the wristband stickers, plastic, and empty cans scattered around the staff booth, his teammates appeared one by one with haggard faces.

Since they weren’t a large company but were hosting a large event, everyone had to be deployed regardless of their team. Eun-soo, who was on the design team, spent a few hours at the entrance gate, a few hours at the parenting lecture hall, and a few hours at the lost child center.

The four members of the design team sat side by side, sighing repeatedly. Some sighs were born of relief, others of exhaustion.

The marketing team sitting nearby left first, suggesting they postpone the company dinner and just rest. Eun-soo looked at his limp teammates and asked.

“Shall our team also do the dinner next time?”

The teammates nodded vigorously. Eun-soo laughed softly.

“Then let’s head home now, and we’ll reschedule the dinner for next week.”

“Sounds good.”

“You must be tired, let’s get going.”

Eun-soo stood up first. The teammates followed suit in a crowd. A separate cleaning company had been hired for the hall, so they just gathered the equipment and supplies they had brought from the office and left the venue.

The four of them headed to the underground parking lot together. Eun-soo had also brought his car for the first time in a while, having commuted to COEX for several days.

COEX was so excessively large that it took a long time just to get to the parking lot. His soles were throbbing from running around all day, and having to walk again was nothing short of painful.

Upon arriving at the parking lot, the four parted ways without hesitation. Getting into his car, Eun-soo kicked off his dress shoes. He stretched his arms wide and cracked his stiff neck.

He was tired. But he felt good.

He felt like a drink would make it even better. Since they had worked all weekend, it was decided that only essential personnel would rotate shifts on Monday and Tuesday, while the rest would rest. So, it didn’t matter if he drank crates of alcohol today. However, his teammates seemed so exhausted that he couldn’t bring himself to ask them.

Did he have alcohol at home? He probably had wine. Did he have snacks? He was hungry, so he wanted something substantial for snacks. Should he order chicken? But chicken and wine was a bit……

It was while Eun-soo was thinking this and starting the engine. His pocket vibrated. Eun-soo took out his phone. It was a call from Do-kwon. Clearing his throat for no reason, Eun-soo pressed the call button.

“Hello.”

Eun-soo, are you finished?

A low voice flowed through the receiver. Do-kwon’s voice over the phone sounded strangely a bit lower than when he heard it in person. Because of that, the curve of his ear kept feeling ticklish. Eun-soo rubbed his ear with his shoulder.

“Yes. Just now.”

-Should I come pick you up?

“No, no. I brought my car. I’ll be there soon.”

-……Alright.

Do-kwon answered in a sullen voice. Eun-soo laughed silently. Since the event had run throughout Saturday and Sunday, Do-kwon had been home alone this weekend. He seemed like he wanted to come to the venue, but Eun-soo had strictly warned him not to.

Between being jostled by crowds, moving heavy objects, and running around everywhere… there was no way Do-kwon would just stand by and watch. Something similar to the time he broke a cyclist’s shin while strolling along the Han River might happen.

As Eun-soo shook his head, Do-kwon’s low voice crawled through the receiver like a snake.

-Hurry home. I miss you.

“…….”

-I miss you so much, Eun-soo.

“…….”

-I only saw you for a bit this morning, and I haven’t seen you since.

Eun-soo swallowed hard. I miss you. It had been a long time since he’d heard those words. He didn’t think he’d heard them since they started living together. Aside from the time spent at work, they were together for over fourteen hours a day, so there wasn’t much occasion to say it.

Is that why my stomach… feels like this?

Eun-soo rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand. After hesitating for a moment, he spoke cautiously.

“Mr. Do-kwon.”

-Yeah.

“I want a drink. Do you want to… have one outside?”

-Yeah. I’m coming now.

There wasn’t a hint of hesitation in Do-kwon’s answer. Immediately, the sound of rustling movement could be heard. Eun-soo smiled faintly. He didn’t think he’d be rejected, but he could have at least pretended to think about it. It was like an automatic reflex…

While listening to the sound of Do-kwon moving and pondering where to drink, Eun-soo’s eyes suddenly sparkled.

“Then let’s meet at the H Hotel bar. If I leave now, it’ll take about 30 minutes.”

-Yeah. Got it.

The call ended there. Since it was only 10 minutes from home, Do-kwon would have plenty of time to get ready and head out. If I arrive first, I’ll order some appetizers. The salmon steak there is delicious. The canapés are great too. I wonder if the Hanwoo burger from the lunch menu is available at this hour. I hope it is.

Licking his lips, Eun-soo gently pressed the accelerator.

Eun-soo arrived at the hotel earlier than expected. He had forgotten that the roads in Seoul are relatively quiet on Sunday nights. Having driven pleasantly along the wide roads, he arrived in just 15 minutes.

Eun-soo let out a small hum as he entered the hotel entrance. The valet parking attendant, who had been waiting nearby, quickly stepped forward. Getting out of the car, Eun-soo smiled slightly and handed over the keys, not forgetting to offer a brief word of thanks.

After taking a wide look at the glamorous hotel exterior, he entered the lobby. He wondered if he should turn on his phone and message Do-kwon that he had arrived first, or just wait, and eventually chose the latter. He decided to go up to the bar first and order appetizers as planned.

As Eun-soo walked toward the elevator, someone slid up beside him. Instinctively, Eun-soo took a step to the side. But the person didn’t pass by; they kept pace with him. Eun-soo turned his head.

“Oh…….”

Eun-soo stopped in his tracks.

“Hi, Eun-soo.”

The other person stopped as well.

“……Mr. Do-kwon?”

It was Do-kwon.

“Why are you here—no, how did you get here so fast?”

Eun-soo looked surprised, seeing Do-kwon dressed in a white shirt and light trousers. Do-kwon smiled broadly and stood close to Eun-soo’s side.

“I left immediately after we hung up.”

He spoke while subtly stroking Eun-soo’s elbow. A smile bloomed across his entire face. Now that he saw Eun-soo’s face and could touch him, he felt like he could finally breathe. He had felt like he was being strangled because he hadn’t seen him properly all weekend. Now, he could finally breathe.

Eun-soo frowned slightly.

“It’s only 10 minutes from home to here, so why so early…….”

“Do-kwon Time.”

“…….”

Eun-soo’s lips pressed into a thin line. The corners of his eyes drooped, and his gaze grew misty. Witnessing this change in expression right in front of him, Do-kwon’s face also twisted.

“What’s wrong? Are you sick?”

“No, it’s just… it’s been a long time since I heard that phrase…….”

Do-kwon Time. Two years ago. It was a phrase he heard often—no, a phrase he said often—while they were dating. Since Eun-soo had coined the term, it was only natural. It referred to Do-kwon’s own internal clock, which always led him to arrive 15 minutes early to every appointment.

Because of that, Eun-soo would also come early, and they could spend an extra 15 minutes together. Hearing it after several years felt strange.

“Since we haven’t had to set a specific time to meet until now,” Do-kwon said.

Eun-soo nodded. Living in the same house and commuting together meant there was no need for it. Meeting like this outside made it feel as if they had returned to the past.

It wasn’t exactly a good feeling. But it wasn’t a bad feeling either. As Eun-soo chewed the inside of his cheek at the ambiguous emotion, Do-kwon gently pulled him closer.

“You’re hungry, right? I contacted them in advance. We should be able to eat as soon as we go up.”

“……Yes.”

Eun-soo nodded and followed him.

The bar, located on the top floor of the hotel, was spacious and luxurious. With floor-to-ceiling windows on all sides, the night view of Seoul was clearly visible, and golden lights were scattered throughout the dim interior.

And…… there wasn’t a single customer. Even though it was Sunday night, it was a famous bar, so there should have been hotel guests or other patrons. How could it be empty?

Wondering if something was up, Eun-soo glanced back. Just then, an employee was placing a sign on a stanchion at the entrance. It likely said that the bar was closed for the day.

Eun-soo sighed. He should have known the moment Do-kwon said he had contacted them in advance.

The employee guided them to a private area where sofas formed a circle facing the window. Alcohol and cocktails were already elegantly set on the table.

Eun-soo sat down hesitantly. Both now and during their peak dating days, he had sat in places like this more than a few times thanks to Do-kwon’s power and capital. Yet, he still hadn’t adjusted. He wondered when he would be able to enjoy this special treatment without thinking too much about it.

Pouting slightly, Eun-soo took off his coat. The employee took the coat and jacket.

“I ordered the things you like. Do you want anything else?”

Do-kwon asked, tapping the menu on the corner of the table. Eun-soo shook his head. Since it was a place they had visited often before, he figured Do-kwon had ordered correctly.

Eun-soo gulped down some cold water. As he looked at the line of drinks and wondered what to have, Do-kwon poked a piece of melon with a fork and held it out to him.

“Your stomach is empty. Eat this first.”

Eun-soo nodded and accepted the fruit. A few minutes later, the food arrived in succession. As expected, everything Eun-soo had been thinking of was there.

Eun-soo pulled the salmon steak and hamburger toward him. He ate diligently. Do-kwon watched him eat, cutting the steak for him or pushing the sparkling water closer. Then, suddenly, he frowned.

Somehow…… Eun-soo was eating too fast.

Eun-soo loved eating and had a larger appetite than most, but he didn’t usually eat quickly. He used to chew thoroughly to savor the taste and enjoy the side dishes. But today, it felt more like he was filling his stomach rather than having a meal.

Do-kwon asked in a dissatisfied voice.

“Did you not eat lunch?”

“Mm, yeah. I think I had two donuts.”

“…….”

“I was so hectic that I didn’t even realize I was hungry. But once it ended, I felt starving.”

Eun-soo answered while dipping a french fry deep into the cheese sauce. He had eaten donuts, but he couldn’t remember what flavor they were or how he’d eaten them. He didn’t even know if they tasted good. That was how busy he had been.

Having finished a hamburger, Eun-soo leaned back against the sofa and caught his breath. He felt like he finally had some energy. Then, he belatedly noticed Do-kwon’s face twisted in a grimace.

Eun-soo suppressed a laugh. For Do-kwon, taking care of him was a kind of mission. He treated eating well, sleeping well, and being well-looked-after as if it were a matter of life and death. To hear that Eun-soo had worked through the weekend and missed a meal must be driving him crazy.

“It’s okay. I’m eating deliciously now.”

Eun-soo grinned and popped a french fry into his mouth. Even so, Do-kwon’s expression didn’t soften. Picking up the menu, he called the employee and ordered several more things. By the time a new hamburger arrived, Eun-soo picked up a heavy bottle of whiskey.

Do-kwon snatched the bottle and poured the drink into Eun-soo’s glass. Eun-soo pushed the filled glass toward Do-kwon. Then, he pulled Do-kwon’s empty glass back toward himself. With a small smile, Do-kwon poured again.

“Cheers, let’s cheers.”

Eun-soo raised his glass. Without a word, Do-kwon clinked his glass against Eun-soo’s. The shot glasses made a cheerful sound. The two of them drank simultaneously.

“Ugh…….”

Eun-soo shrugged his shoulders high at the strong alcohol. His eyes crinkled, and as he tightened the corners of his lips, his cheeks puffed out. Seeing this, Do-kwon chuckled. He didn’t know why something as simple as frowning after drinking was so adorable and cute.

After several drinks in a row, Eun-soo let out a languid sigh. Perhaps because of the strong liquor, his cheekbones were already flushed. The atmosphere instantly became drowsy. Do-kwon placed a skewer loaded with cheese in Eun-soo’s hand. Then, he slid closer to him.

Whether Eun-soo was unaware of Do-kwon’s ulterior motives or was simply pretending not to notice, he nibbled on the cheese studded with dried fruit.

Do-kwon turned his body toward him and crossed his long legs. Then, he asked in a low voice.

“What kept you so busy? When I called this morning, didn’t you say you were sitting at the entrance gate handing out wristbands?”

“I was, but there was a shortage of hands everywhere…….”

“Everywhere?”

“I was in the lecture hall, then at the lost child center, and so on. There were more attendees than expected, so there weren’t enough chairs in the lecture hall. So I was unfolding chairs, asking people standing in the middle to please sit, telling them that photos were okay but to please not use flash, and things like that.”

“…….”

“But then I found a child standing all alone among the crowd. It was a tiny girl in a pink dress; she seemed scared because she wasn’t even crying, just standing blankly among the adults…… it broke my heart.”

“…….”

“So I took her to the lost child center. At first, I just wanted to drop her off and go back to work, but she wouldn’t let go of my hand, probably because she was scared. How could I leave when such a tiny hand was holding onto me, begging me not to go? I had no choice but to wait until her parents arrived. Luckily, they came in 10 minutes.”

Do-kwon nodded lightly to show he was listening. Eun-soo, chatting away, was so incredibly lovely that Do-kwon couldn’t tear his eyes away. Even his excited voice was utterly sweet.

Eun-soo continued to chatter about what had happened for a long while. There were a few parts that grated on Do-kwon’s ears—such as a drunken attendee acting out, or Eun-soo drinking coffee that had gone lukewarm because he couldn’t get to it, or his soles throbbing from running around too much—but for the most part, he enjoyed listening.

How much time had passed? When the bottle of whiskey was empty, Do-kwon frowned slightly. Something the size of a thumbnail was stuck to the sleeve of Eun-soo’s shirt. At first, he thought it was a bug. Since it reflected the light and sparkled, he thought it might be a beetle.

But when he peeled it off, it was a sticker of a penguin character. A famous penguin character smiling broadly inside a heart. As Do-kwon looked at it with a puzzled expression, Eun-soo looked pleased.

“Oh, that! The little girl I took to the lost child center put that on me. I forgot to take it off.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes. I didn’t realize it, but seeing it today, kids really love stickers. At first, I saw a sticker booth and wondered why it was there, but it was actually the most popular spot.”

Eun-soo pressed the penguin sticker firmly onto the back of his phone. Then, he grinned with satisfaction. Do-kwon smiled along. If Eun-soo was happy, that was all that mattered.

“It seems you like them too.”

“What?”

“The stickers. Should I buy some for you?”

“Pfft……. No. Where would I even use stickers? Maybe if they were Post-its.”

“Then why did you stick it on your phone?”

“Because it’s cute?”

“……That means you like them.”

“Well……. I do, but not to the extent that I’d want to buy them.”

“……You’re difficult.”

Do-kwon stroked his chin with a serious face. He wondered what kind of emotion it was to find something cute and like it, but not want to possess it. One could say it’s just a sticker, so why care so much, but since it was Eun-soo’s feeling, he didn’t want to overlook it, no matter how trivial.

Eun-soo burst into laughter at Do-kwon’s serious expression. He had suspected it when Do-kwon asked so seriously if he wanted some, but seeing him agonize over it was hilarious. At the same time, his chest felt ticklish.

He cares even about my trivial interests. To think that a part of me that is nothing special can be such a momentous matter to this person.

Eun-soo hurriedly gulped down his drink. Then, he sucked his lower lip hard before letting go. His lips, already red from the alcohol, became even more flushed. Do-kwon captured the sight in his eyes as if taking a photograph, then looked away as if nothing had happened.

“We…… used to come here really often a long time ago.”

Eun-soo spoke as if talking to himself. Do-kwon’s eyebrows twitched at the sudden trip down memory lane.

“We did. We’d come after work, and on weekends. The last time we came…… I think it was after seeing a movie on the weekend. That SF war movie.”

Do-kwon intentionally brought up a day from the past. Not the past where he had lost his memories, but the deeper past where they had never been unhappy for a single moment. He welcomed Eun-soo recalling those times with open arms.

“Ah, right. We came here after seeing that movie where monsters were born from radiation.”

Eun-soo nodded three times in a row. Come to think of it, it felt like an eternity since he’d seen a movie in a theater. They had gone often when they were dating. No matter how much love and money a couple had, the things they did were eventually the same. Like any other couple, they ate, drank coffee, watched movies, and had sex.

Occasionally, he had accompanied Do-kwon on business trips for luxurious vacations, but they ate at very high-end restaurants, had sex in suites, and he received expensive gifts frequently—but since those things didn’t have a profound impact on their love, let’s move past that.

Anyway, it wasn’t a special or grand romance that people would be amazed by or talk about for ages. That’s why it was better and more precious. It was easy to dream of a future. Especially when Bomi was conceived.

They thought they would become a perfect family.

They thought they would live happily ever after.

But they say life is unpredictable. They never dreamed there would be a car accident, and that it would leave a hole in Do-kwon’s memory.

Eun-soo leaned his head back against the sofa. He reminisced about the distant past.

The springs, summers, autumns, and winters they spent together; the many days he had shared with Do-kwon. A time that wasn’t vastly different from now, yet could never be the same. The more he recalled and repeated it, the deeper the smile on Eun-soo’s lips became.

“We ordered this menu back then too, right? The salmon steak and the Hanwoo cheese burger.”

“Yeah. You said you weren’t hungry because you ate a large popcorn, but you ended up eating two hamburgers.”

“We drank a lot too. Both you and I. I think that’s why we stayed at this hotel.”

“Right. We did. We were so drunk that…….”

“…….”

The conversation stopped abruptly. The next words to come out would have been far too embarrassing. What else would they have done after going up to the room in that state? They had sex intensely. When drunk, both of them tended to shed their human skins and become purely Alpha and Omega. That’s why they would spend the night biting and licking each other’s bodies. That day was no different.

Eun-soo hurriedly drained his glass. He didn’t know why he felt shy, considering they had done everything imaginable since meeting Do-kwon again.

Putting a piece of pineapple in his mouth, Eun-soo chewed the flesh firmly. The sour yet sweet taste spreading between his teeth seemed to clear his mind a little.

Eun-soo popped another piece of pineapple into his mouth and glanced at Do-kwon. But they were too close. He was sure they had been at a reasonable distance at first, but now their thighs were nearly touching. Over the soft jazz flowing through the bar, he could even hear Do-kwon’s breathing.

Belatedly feeling uncomfortable with the proximity, Eun-soo tried to subtly slide away. Not far—Do-kwon might get hurt. Just about a hand’s span. No more, no less.

As Eun-soo sluggishly shifted his hips to move, Do-kwon wrapped an arm around his waist. Then, he pulled him sharply toward himself. Eun-soo’s slender body was dragged along helplessly, and he collapsed into Do-kwon’s chest as if falling.

Startled, Eun-soo took a sharp breath. Do-kwon’s thick Adam’s apple bobbed up and down.

“Don’t move away, Eun-soo.”

He buried his forehead in the crook of Eun-soo’s neck.

“O-okay. I get it, so let go of me…”

Eun-soo twisted his shoulders, trying to escape Do-kwon’s embrace. But Do-kwon was adamant. With his lips pressed firmly shut, he tightened his grip around Eun-soo’s waist. After pushing at his hand a few times, Eun-soo eventually went limp.

He was full, the alcohol had hit him hard, and he was far too exhausted to continue this unproductive war of nerves.

With a look of annoyance plastered on his face, Eun-soo reached for his glass. Do-kwon, still holding him, quickly poured him another drink with his free hand.

And so, Eun-soo ended up drinking while held in Do-kwon’s arms. It was uncomfortable at first, but as he stayed there, the faint scent of Do-kwon’s pheromones was pleasant, his warm body heat was nice, and the occasional breath tickling his forehead wasn’t half bad. It felt like drinking like a loafer, hidden away in the safest and most complete space in the world.

Do-kwon also seemed very satisfied with having Eun-soo in his arms. He diligently tended to Eun-soo’s drinks while inhaling his pheromones.

The drinking session continued slowly but for a long time. Eun-soo checked the clock on his phone. It had already reached midnight. Realizing how late it was, a deep fatigue washed over him like a wave, alongside the intoxication.

Eun-soo’s eyelashes drooped heavily. The hot scent of alcohol surged between his teeth, and his nose tingled. He bit down hard on his lower lip. His lips, tingling from the alcohol, didn’t feel like his own. They were numb, as if anesthetized. He felt as though he wouldn’t even notice if someone snipped them off with scissors.

While Eun-soo was tormenting his lips while looking down at the Seoul nightscape outside the window, Do-kwon, who had been watching, lightly pressed Eun-soo’s chin with his thumb and then released it.

“Stop biting.”

“Huh?”

Eun-soo opened his mouth slightly and looked at Do-kwon. Through the gap, Eun-soo’s tongue, moist with alcohol and saliva, was momentarily visible.

It was incredibly erotic.

Do-kwon smacked his lips briefly. He lightly brushed Eun-soo’s lower lip with his thumb. At the ticklish yet suggestive sensation, Eun-soo peeked his tongue out and licked his lip. The tip of his tongue lightly grazed the edge of Do-kwon’s nail before disappearing.

Do-kwon’s pupils instantly turned pitch black. He tenderly cupped Eun-soo’s cheek with his large hand and locked eyes with him.

“Eun-soo.”

“…Yes.”

“I want to kiss you.”

“…What?”

“I want. To kiss you.”

Do-kwon spoke clearly. He was dying to suck on those moist, soft lips of Eun-soo’s. He wanted to suck out every drop of saliva pooled under the tongue and lick the smooth palate wildly.

Having drunk a fair amount to match Eun-soo, his reason had melted away, leaving only a shameless lust.

However, he had no intention of forcing a kiss if Eun-soo refused. It would be a shame, but he would be more preoccupied with the worry that Eun-soo might loathe or hate him.

“…”

Eun-soo stared blankly at Do-kwon. Do-kwon’s face filled his glossy eyes. Do-kwon was mesmerized by that ecstatic sight—Eun-soo focusing entirely on him. Do-kwon slowly stroked the rim of Eun-soo’s ear with his thumb and index finger, occasionally twisting the round, soft earlobe.

“Eun-soo…”

Do-kwon called him, as if urging, as if pleading.

Eun-soo’s eyes shifted left and right. Lowering his gaze, he pondered for a moment. Do-kwon watched him persistently.

Under the dim golden lighting, Eun-soo’s cheeks flushed. It was a blush quite different from the one caused by alcohol. At that sight, a smile crept onto Do-kwon’s lips. He had noticed which way Eun-soo’s heart was leaning.

Sure enough, Eun-soo lightly crumpled the waist of Do-kwon’s shirt in his grip. Then, he slowly closed his eyes. As if he had been waiting, Do-kwon bit into Eun-soo’s lips.

The sensitive membranes of their lips locked. Do-kwon repeatedly sucked on Eun-soo’s lips lightly and then let go, giving Eun-soo time to adjust. Sometimes, a kiss could be more overwhelming than sex.

Eun-soo’s shoulders flinched every time his lips were sucked. The grip on Do-kwon’s shirt tightened. Then, he soon opened his mouth and accepted Do-kwon’s lips with relative familiarity.

Do-kwon braced himself against the sofa and pressed his body close to Eun-soo. Then, he slid his tongue into Eun-soo’s mouth, which he had craved so much. The scent of alcohol was thick, but it passed quickly. Soon, the pheromones of the two completely stained each other’s mouths.

“Nng…”

Eun-soo let out a short moan and pulled his chin back at the feeling of Do-kwon’s hot tongue entangling with his. Do-kwon then cupped the back of Eun-soo’s small head and pulled him forward again.

Do-kwon tilted his head slightly to the side, and their lips locked more deeply. Do-kwon subtly released his pheromones. At that, Eun-soo melted and surrendered his body to Do-kwon’s hold.

Their lips rubbed together viscously. The saliva entwined on their tongues mixed haphazardly, and the intermittent breaths exhaled through their noses and mouths made the area around their lips hot. The tip of Do-kwon’s tongue licked Eun-soo’s palate as if scratching it. Eun-soo let out an erotic nasal sound. Then, as if soothing him, Do-kwon gently rubbed the inside of his cheek and tongue.

“Mm…”

“Haa…”

The kiss grew continuously more intense. Wet, squelching sounds echoed, but there was no one around, and the mellow jazz filling the bar made it not particularly embarrassing.

Do-kwon nibbled on Eun-soo’s lower lip. When Eun-soo moaned at the sting, Do-kwon carefully licked it as if nothing had happened.

Occasionally, he would press down on Eun-soo’s chin to force his mouth wide open and shove his tongue in as far as it could go. Like someone curious about what Eun-soo’s uvula tasted like, or someone obsessively wanting to lick all the way down to the throat.

As the kiss grew more violent, Eun-soo’s eyelashes trembled. After enduring the onslaught of Do-kwon’s pheromones, tongue, and saliva, he pushed Do-kwon’s chest away with a lifeless hand.

Do-kwon reacted immediately. With a wet pop, he pulled his lips away and pressed his nose against Eun-soo’s. He looked directly at Eun-soo with dark eyes. Eun-soo looked back, catching his breath in ragged gasps. He also bit his tingling lips.

“Haa, haa…”

“…”

Do-kwon looked down at Eun-soo’s lips, which had become plump in the meantime. A sinister desire was overflowing in that gaze. Eun-soo instinctively pulled his head back. If he accepted that desire fully, his lips might actually fall off.

Unexpectedly, Do-kwon let him go obediently. Still, unable to help his lingering regret, he kept fiddling with Eun-soo’s waist and elbow. Eun-soo tried his best to ignore those lingering touches and picked up his glass. As the liquid with floating ice moistened his throat, his blurred consciousness seemed to clear.

Not stopping at the drink, Eun-soo immediately popped a cherry into his mouth. The sour yet sweet juice seemed to wash away the pheromones of Do-kwon that had seeped into his throat.

After spitting out the seed, Eun-soo bit into another cherry. The stem poked out between his lips. Just as he was about to pull it out, Do-kwon plucked the stem away instead.

Eun-soo looked at Do-kwon with wide eyes. Do-kwon, having tossed the stem aside, gave a short kiss to Eun-soo’s cheek, which was moving as he chewed.

“Eun-soo. Just one more time…”

Eun-soo took a deep breath at the low, whispering voice. He quickly chewed and swallowed the cherry. Then, spitting the seed onto the small plate, he shook his head.

“No.”

“…”

Disappointment settled on Do-kwon’s face. That expression was so desolate and sorrowful that Eun-soo almost reversed his words, saying, No, okay, do it, just do it. No. He’d sucked and bitten enough. What more… His lips were tingling this much. Eun-soo covered his mouth with his hand.

“M-my lips hurt. Later, let’s do it later.”

He didn’t actually mean “later.” He had just said whatever came to mind to get through the situation. But Do-kwon’s complexion brightened noticeably.

“Okay. Later.”

Nodding readily, Do-kwon filled Eun-soo’s glass. Eun-soo lifted the glass with a skeptical look. Do-kwon smiled broadly and clinked his glass against it.

Eun-soo glanced at him. Why was he so happy about a promise with no set date? It was just a kiss. Sometimes, Do-kwon was truly hard to understand.

Eun-soo downed the drink. The alcohol, strong enough to make him grimace, felt strangely sweet.

* * *

It was the second day since the Baby Fair event ended. Eun-soo was in a good mood. Like a student who had just finished the CSAT, he felt a sense of relief, and his heart was light knowing he had a vacation until Tuesday. He slept all through Monday. If Do-kwon hadn’t woken him up occasionally to eat, he might have skipped meals and slept for twenty-four hours straight.

On Tuesday, he spent half the day sleeping, the other half rolling around in bed, and the remaining half rolling around on the living room sofa. Do-kwon worked by Eun-soo’s side, took care of his meals, and then went into the study to work.

When Eun-soo casually asked if he wasn’t going to work since it was a weekday, the brazen answer he got was, “Yeah, I’m not.” Eun-soo didn’t bother adding anything more. He figured Do-kwon would handle it. He thought that Do-kwon wasn’t just idling at home but was actually working.

“Uwaaa…”

Lying on the sofa, Eun-soo stretched long. Then, he poked a piece of mango, which Do-kwon had personally prepared, with a fork. Do-kwon’s mango-cutting skills were now top-tier. Looking at the fruit cut into neat squares, Eun-soo let out a giggle.

Eun-soo flipped through TV channels while eating the mango. But since it was 11 PM on a weekday, there wasn’t much to watch. As he pressed the remote with an indifferent expression, on one channel…

“Oh…”

He let out a short exclamation. His finger stopped pressing the remote. His upper body, which had been leaning against the sofa, tilted toward the TV. A familiar actor was appearing on the screen.

“Mask Man…”

It was the actor from Mask Man. It was a movie trailer, filled with scenes he had never seen before. Phrases like [Return after 3 years], [Mask Man is back], and [Forget all action until now!] appeared and disappeared with grand sound effects. The final sentence was [Mask Man 4—Now Playing].

Eun-soo gulped. Finding his phone wedged between the sofa cushions, he opened the cinema app. A Mask Man banner filled the main screen. Eun-soo clicked the banner and watched the two-minute trailer again. His feet, dangling below the sofa, were fidgeting wildly.

“I didn’t even know it was released…”

He had been so busy with work that he had no leisure for cultural activities. In the past, he used to look for news in his spare time and rush to book tickets on the release date.

Eun-soo groaned softly while looking at the booking times. Should I go see it? I want to see it right now. The trailer looked insane. But isn’t it too late? I have to work tomorrow. Still, if I go now, there probably won’t be many people. Maybe I can watch it quietly. There’s nothing as attractive as an empty theater.

And… hadn’t it been years since he’d seen a movie with Do-kwon? In the past, they had watched every single movie released in theaters, sometimes even seeing the same movie twice because Eun-soo loved media so much.

Eun-soo’s knees trembled. After agonizing for a few more minutes, he finally made up his mind and sprang up. He strode toward the study.

Standing before the study door, Eun-soo cleared his throat. Just as he was about to knock, he suddenly became worried. What if Do-kwon says he won’t go? Well… it’s not like I can’t go alone, but still…

Biting his lower lip, Eun-soo pressed his ear to the door. It was to gauge Do-kwon’s status, but unfortunately, he heard nothing.

Pouting and pacing in place, Eun-soo took a deep breath. Then, he knocked. Knock, knock.

Eun-soo waited for Do-kwon’s ‘answer.’ A hum of acknowledgment, or a word telling him to come in, something like that. But just as he thought he heard some bustling noise leaking through the gap in the door, the door swung open. Do-kwon appeared, dressed in homewear.

“Oh, Eun-soo, what is it?”

“Um… are you busy?”

“No. Not at all. Should I stay by your side?”

“No, no, am I a baby or something…”

Eun-soo muttered, shaking his head. Do-kwon looked at him with an expression that asked what was going on. Eun-soo avoided his gaze, pressing his index finger against the wall. Still, his mouth managed to mumble out the main point.

“I… I’m going to see a late-night movie… and if you’re not busy… together…”

“I want to go together. Let me go.”

“…”

The answer made his worries pointless. The response came so quickly that Eun-soo found himself stuttering, unable to find words, so Do-kwon smiled and asked.

“Shall we leave now?”

“Uh… it starts in 30, 30 minutes…”

“We should leave now then. If we want to buy popcorn and all.”

“Ah, yes… I guess so.”

Eun-soo nodded stiffly. Do-kwon tenderly brushed back Eun-soo’s hair.

“I’ll just change my clothes and be right back.”

“…Okay.”

Eun-soo, who had been blocking the door, stepped aside. Do-kwon strode toward the dressing room. Eun-soo stared blankly at the receding Do-kwon. His broad back, the prominently defined shoulder blades, his firm buttocks, and long legs were… newly impressive and sexy.

In the past, he used to watch Do-kwon walk away like that and then run up to hug him. He would whine with a tearful face, saying he didn’t want to part. Then Do-kwon would never refuse and would wrap his arms around his waist. After that, he would practically kidnap him into the car and head to his house. And they would whisper love all night before going to work together with sleepy eyes.

Recalling the distant past, Eun-soo shook his head to clear the idle thoughts. Then, he headed to his own dressing room.

Eun-soo stepped onto the escalator. Do-kwon followed behind him. In his arms was a large tub of popcorn. Half cheese, half caramel. Eun-soo turned around to look at Do-kwon. Since Do-kwon was one step below, their eyes were level.

“Do-kwon.”

“Yeah?”

“Aren’t you going to ask what movie we’re seeing?”

From the moment they left the house until they arrived at the theater. From parking and stopping by the concession stand to buy popcorn and cola. Until Eun-soo checked the booking details and stepped onto the escalator. Do-kwon hadn’t asked a single thing; he had just quietly followed Eun-soo.

Usually, when someone suggests a movie, don’t they at least ask what movie it is? But how could Do-kwon ask absolutely nothing? It was both fascinating and frustrating.

Do-kwon laughed softly.

“Because it doesn’t matter what we watch.”

“Why doesn’t it matter?”

“I told you. You’re the most interesting thing to me, Eun-soo. Anything I do with you will be fun.”

“…”

Eun-soo’s lips twitched with a distorted expression. Do-kwon chuckled and popped a piece of caramel popcorn into Eun-soo’s mouth.

“Do you want me to ask? Should I ask?”

“No, that’s not what I meant…”

“What movie are we watching?”

“Mask Man… 4…”

Eun-soo answered skeptically while chewing the popcorn. He felt like he was being forced to accept a favor. Still, when Do-kwon raised his eyebrows as if genuinely surprised by the title, Eun-soo felt a bit better.

“4 is out? I didn’t know.”

“I didn’t know either. I saw the trailer on TV earlier.”

“Sounds like it’ll be fun.”

“Yes, it will be.”

Eun-soo nodded vigorously. His eyes sparkled. He seemed excited to see which villain Mask Man would beat up this time.

Consequently, Do-kwon’s eyes sparkled too. Watching Eun-soo be excited was even more entertaining.

As Eun-soo expected, the theater was nearly empty. On a weekday evening, how many people would come all the way to Gangnam for a late-night movie? With an excited face, Eun-soo found their seats. Do-kwon followed him with a faint smile.

As soon as he sat in the cinema’s characteristically plush seat, the screen flickered on and advertisements began to play. Eun-soo watched the ads with sparkling eyes. They weren’t much different from the ones on TV, yet watching them in a theater felt uniquely exciting. The anticipation for the movie that was about to start seemed to contribute to that thrill.

Do-kwon placed the popcorn on Eun-soo’s lap and slotted the drinks into the center armrest. Familiarly tucking the popcorn bucket under his arm, Eun-soo shoved a handful of popcorn into his mouth. Perhaps it was because it had been a while since he’d had cinema popcorn, but it tasted even more delicious.

By the time Eun-soo had nibbled through half the bucket, the theater dimmed and a familiar production company logo appeared. Eun-soo bit his lower lip slightly. His shoulders tensed upward with expectation and excitement, and his already large eyes grew even wider. Do-kwon wondered if he was even holding his breath.

Leaning back diagonally in his seat with his legs crossed, Do-kwon let out a soft laugh as he watched Eun-soo.

He recalled how surprised he had been when a sudden knock sounded while he was working in his study. He had worried something had happened to Eun-soo. Since Eun-soo had looked so exhausted after the Baby Fair, Do-kwon had intentionally kept his distance, thinking Eun-soo would dislike it if he were too clingy. He truly hadn’t imagined that Eun-soo would be the one to suggest going to a movie.

Watching a movie wasn’t exactly a grand event, but the fact that Eun-soo had suggested it ‘first’ was certainly significant.

It meant that Do-kwon had become a natural part of his life. I should go see a movie. I should go see it with Do-kwon. I should eat. I should eat with Do-kwon. Things like that. Lately, it was the same even when they slept. Even if Eun-soo lay down first, he would stay awake, staring blankly, waiting for Do-kwon to come.

Others would never dream of how pretty and lovely that sight was.

Eun-soo had adapted to him. It was a miracle. Every time Do-kwon felt his own presence firmly established in Eun-soo’s life, he felt a surge of happiness so intense he felt he could die right then and there.

Lost in these thoughts and savoring his happiness, the movie had already reached its midpoint. In truth, he only realized this because Eun-soo gave him a sharp, sidelong glare. Otherwise, he might have spent the entire film simply admiring how the light from the screen shifted across Eun-soo’s face.

“Stop looking at me and watch the movie,” Eun-soo whispered.

As he leaned his head toward Do-kwon to say this, Do-kwon nearly screamed from a sudden, sharp pang of affection in his heart.

“…Sorry,” Do-kwon apologized softly, licking his dry lips.

At that, Eun-soo crinkled his nose.

“…It’s not something you need to be sorry for.”

Eun-soo focused back on the movie. Do-kwon held the drink up to his lower lip, and Eun-soo took a large sip through the straw. His cheeks puffed out and then sank back in. Do-kwon laughed silently.

Even after that, Do-kwon couldn’t concentrate on the film and kept stealing glances at Eun-soo. Though Eun-soo sent warning looks his way, Do-kwon paid them no mind.

Eun-soo let out a small sigh and shook his head. After that, he stopped scolding him. Their intersecting gazes continued in a quiet rhythm.

Amidst the cacophony of gunshots, screaming, exploding bombs, and collapsing buildings, Eun-soo and Do-kwon remained profoundly still.

“I loved how they upgraded the transformation scenes. It was so cool.”

On the way to the parking lot after the movie, Eun-soo chattered excitedly, still immersed in the afterglow of the film. Do-kwon nodded in agreement. In truth, he had missed more than half the movie, but he could piece together the plot well enough from the dialogue.

“Didn’t you feel a bit sorry for the villain this time? Losing his family and going mad with rage… It was cool how Mask Man recognized that and handed him over to the police instead of killing him.”

Do-kwon nodded again. He didn’t particularly care whether some villain lived or died, but he figured if Eun-soo liked it, then it was good.

The walk through the cinema corridor felt very long. They had to pass the trash bins for popcorn buckets and drink cups, the restrooms, and the hallway lined with posters.

Eun-soo looked closely at the posters to see if there were any other movies that caught his eye, as if he were admiring paintings in a gallery. At one point, he tripped slightly, and Do-kwon quickly grabbed his hand to steady him.

“Thank you,” Eun-soo said with an awkward smile.

As he tried to let go of Do-kwon’s hand, for some reason, Do-kwon did not loosen his grip. Bewilderment clouded Eun-soo’s face. He shook his wrist, trying to escape Do-kwon’s grasp, but Do-kwon only interlaced his fingers more deeply.

Unable to hide his flustered expression, Eun-soo looked up at Do-kwon.

“Do-kwon, your hand…”

“Eun-soo.”

“Yes?”

“Can I hold your hand?”

“…”

It was a very late question. He had already practically interlaced their fingers, and only now was he asking. It was absurd.

As Eun-soo blinked, unable to find the words to answer, Do-kwon gently stroked the back of Eun-soo’s hand with his thumb.

“I want to hold your hand.”

His voice was quite pleading. He said he ‘wanted’ to, but it was the same as asking him not to push him away. His calm, deep eyes were full of longing.

Eun-soo pondered for a moment. Holding hands barely counted as physical intimacy. They had had sex, and they had kissed a few days ago. So, this was nothing. Thinking that made the conclusion easy.

“…”

Eun-soo gave neither a yes nor a no. He simply stayed still. He didn’t twist his wrist away, nor did he squeeze Do-kwon’s hand back; he stood in that awkward gap in between.

And yet, to anyone watching, they looked like they were holding hands. Even though Do-kwon was the one unilaterally holding on and Eun-soo was merely being held. To outsiders, they probably looked like a tender couple who had just seen a movie together.

Do-kwon’s expression brightened instantly. He lifted Eun-soo’s hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it. Then, like a dog, he rubbed his cheek against the hand. Eun-soo’s shoulders flinched. Do-kwon met his eyes and beamed.

“Thank you.”

“…”

“Thank you, Eun-soo.”

“…”

Eun-soo didn’t answer. He looked at the smiling Do-kwon and then walked toward the exit. Do-kwon hurried after him.

* * *

“Good work, everyone.”

“Good work, all.”

“Seriously, you all worked so hard.”

Four wine glasses clinked lightly. It was Friday night. The design team, including Eun-soo, was having a company dinner at a reserved restaurant.

They ordered pasta, pizza, and steak as meals and appetizers, and ordered wine by the bottle. Having just finished work, the four of them filled their stomachs first. Then, they relaxed, drinking and chatting about various things.

Stories about their respective families, children, and dating lives floated cheerfully around the table.

After about an hour, two bottles of wine were empty. They cleared the dinner plates and ordered additional gambas, cheese, and slices of cake.

It was while the food was being served that Eun-soo’s jacket vibrated. It was his phone. The caller was obvious. Eun-soo found his phone and lit up the screen.

[Eun-soo.]

[Can I go and wait for you?]

[I won’t go inside.]

[I’ll stay outside.]

[I’ll just wait quietly.]

Eun-soo let out a hollow laugh. How could he wait without knowing when the dinner would end? How could he wait outside in the dead of winter? Even in the car, it would be freezing. He had clearly warned him this morning that he would be very late.

Tsk. Clicking his tongue softly, Eun-soo tapped on his phone.

[No.]

[I’ll contact you when it’s almost over.]

After pressing send, Eun-soo tried to put the phone back in his jacket. But suddenly, a hand reached out and pressed down on the back of his hand. Startled, Eun-soo pulled his arm back and snapped his head up. But there was no one there.

Looking around, Eun-soo remembered the direction the hand had come from and looked down. There, he found the owner of the hand.

“You…”

A small girl was standing in front of Eun-soo, beneath the table. Because she was so short, she had been invisible under the table.

When Eun-soo looked at her with wide, rabbit-like eyes, the child also widened her eyes as if surprised. The two of them stared at each other in silence for a moment. Eun-soo was the first to snap out of it.

“Hello?”

Bending his waist and poking his face under the table, Eun-soo gave a small wave.

“Hello,” the child replied with slurred pronunciation. She said ‘hello,’ but it sounded more like ‘hallo.’ Her voice was so cute that Eun-soo giggled. The child tilted her head like a puppy and poked the back of Eun-soo’s hand again.

Wondering what this meant, Eun-soo looked at his hand. Then, he noticed the phone he was holding—specifically, the sticker on the back of it—and let out a short exclamation. It was a penguin character sticker he had received from a child at the Baby Fair.

“Do you want this?” Eun-soo asked.

“…”

After hesitating for a moment, the child nodded. Without hesitation, Eun-soo peeled off the sticker. He carefully teased it off with his fingernail, fearing it might tear. Then, he pressed the sticker onto the child’s small hand.

The child beamed. Her chubby cheeks rose, and her tiny lips opened wide. She had the face of an angel. As Eun-soo smiled back at her…

“Team Leader, is there something under there?”

One of the team members followed Eun-soo’s gaze and looked under the table. She then let out a high-pitched shriek.

“Oh my! A baby! Why are you here? Where is your mommy?”

Her commotion drew the other team members to look under the table as well. Smiling, Eun-soo gently grasped the child’s wrist. He pulled her close and lifted her up by the armpits. The child seemed used to being lifted; she didn’t scream or struggle. She seemed entirely preoccupied with gently stroking the penguin on her hand.

Eun-soo placed the child on his lap. Light and small, yet chubby, the child was indescribably lovely.

Meanwhile, the team member called a staff member to ask about the child’s whereabouts, and the staff member hurried away.

“My goodness, you are truly beautiful.”

“Her parents must be so worried.”

“I know. She’s so small we didn’t even notice her under the table.”

“…”

While the team members each chimed in, Eun-soo quietly gazed at the child. He looked at her over and over without even blinking. He gently stroked her small hand and chubby wrist. Her tiny fingernails were so fascinating that he tapped them lightly.

About five minutes later, a couple who looked young appeared, breathless.

“Mommy—!”

The child flailed her short arms wildly toward her mother. Eun-soo handed the child over to the parents. They thanked him repeatedly before leaving with the child in their arms. Eun-soo watched the child drift away. After she had completely disappeared, he turned back toward his team members.

“…”

His eyes met Seo-young’s. Eun-soo flinched slightly just as he picked up his wine glass.

“Team Leader, you seem to like children,” Seo-young asked.

“Well… is there anyone in our company who doesn’t like children?” Eun-soo replied smoothly.

The team members were all good people, and they had grown close through working together, but he didn’t want to pour out his dark past.

I was pregnant once. But I had a miscarriage. When I see a small girl like that, I think of the child I lost. How could he say such things? It would likely make the listener uncomfortable.

Eun-soo swallowed his wine with an expressionless face.

However, Seo-young nodded and posed another question.

“That’s true. Then, aren’t you planning to get married?”

“Marriage? Uh… eventually… I suppose I will?”

“You’re not against marriage, right? I feel like you’d be a ve-ry good father if you had children.”

Eun-soo let out a dry laugh at those words. A good father. He, too, had thought he would be a good father. With a bitter smile, he set down his wine glass and answered.

“You never know. I might be a bad father.”

What could be a worse parent than one who couldn’t protect their own child? Eun-soo thought. He believed that when he died, he would surely go to hell. That he deserved to be cast into the fires of hell forever for the sin of failing to protect Bomi.

At Eun-soo’s puzzling answer, the team members all wore blank expressions. Eun-soo smiled brightly and changed the subject.

“I’m not against marriage. I’m quite prone to loneliness… I get depressed when I lie in bed alone, I get melancholy when it rains, and I cry easily. So, I don’t want to live alone for the rest of my life.”

“Oh my, you? You get lonely?”

“Goodness, I thought you’d be perfectly fine living alone. You seemed so independent.”

“Do I?”

Eun-soo’s eyes curved into crescents. He felt relieved that, to others, he didn’t seem unstable—that he seemed reasonably normal.

…No, was that actually a relief?

He tilted his wine glass once more.

* * *

Eun-soo woke up to the sound of rain. The sound of rain drumming against the window was fierce. Tap, tap, thwack! It was almost as if the window might shatter. Was rain in winter particularly hard? Or were the drops that failed to become snow simply venting their frustration?

Eun-soo stared at the window with unfocused eyes. One wall of the bedroom was a floor-to-ceiling window. Because Do-kwon closed the curtains every night before bed and opened them upon waking, the window wasn’t usually visible. He could only see a small sliver of the outside through a gap about a palm’s width wide.

Heavy raindrops clung to the glass and vanished, clung and vanished. Watching this, Eun-soo licked his dry lips. Having drunk a lot at the company dinner, his throat felt parched.

He wanted a glass of water, but he didn’t want to get up. He didn’t feel he had the strength to push through this awkward dawn to reach the kitchen.

So, Eun-soo simply stared at the window, imagining himself standing fully exposed to the torrential rain. Doing so seemed to ease his thirst slightly.

As he drifted in a daze, random thoughts popped into his head like moles. Thoughts of work. The thought that it was good that tomorrow was the weekend. Thoughts of how to spend the weekend. What to eat. What was interesting on TV. Maybe he’d just sit on the sofa all day and watch a drama—from the first episode to the finale.

While thinking of such trivial things, a small hand suddenly came to mind.

It was the hand of the little girl he had seen at the restaurant a few hours ago. A small, white, chubby hand. The short index finger that had been fidgeting with the sticker. The lips that moved as if chewing something, though she wasn’t eating. The cheeks that moved along with them. The small head. The thin hair. And that indescribable, soft scent unique to children. A scent that made one think: If purity were turned into a smell, would it be like this?

She was so pretty. How wonderful must the parents of such a beautiful child feel? How happy must they be? Wouldn’t just seeing the child wake up in the morning make them feel as if they owned the whole world? Probably. If the child called them ‘Daddy’ in that slurred pronunciation, their eyes would surely well up.

I’m envious. To have a family like that. To belong to a family like that. To have built a family like that.

Eun-soo blinked slowly. Then, a single heavy tear rolled down from the corner of his eye. Only then did he realize he was crying.

He didn’t know why he was crying. Because he envied parents with a beautiful child? Out of jealousy? Because it felt unfair? Or… because he thought of Bomi?

“…”

Bomi. The moment he recalled that name, his nose began to sting. The tears that had been slowly welling up now flowed twice as fast.

Eun-soo gently stroked his stomach, hidden beneath the blanket. His flat stomach looked truly pitiful. There was a time when this area had been full. A time when he had dreamed of a future together with Bomi.

He became depressed. He felt sad, tormented, and empty.

It was a misfortune he hadn’t faced in a long time. Was it because he hadn’t fully recovered from the alcohol? Or had he simply become soaked in the rainy dawn? Or perhaps the emotions he had been suppressing, pretending not to notice, had finally burst forth now.

“…”

Without making a single sobbing sound, Eun-soo quietly shed tears.

He missed his parents. He needed a place to pour out this grief that he would have to endure for the rest of his life. He wanted to be held and comforted in his mother’s arms. He felt that if his mother told him that Bomi, who had gone to heaven first, was doing well—words that no one could truly guarantee—he could believe it. He felt that the heart-wrenching pain would fade, even if only a little.

There were too many beings that Eun-soo missed but could no longer see.

His mother, his father, and Bomi. He missed them several times a day, but there was no way to see them. As for Bomi, he didn’t even know their face.

That was why he had wanted to die so badly. Because a different world where the people he missed were waiting seemed far happier than this world where he was left alone.

In truth, that thought had not changed much even now.

Eun-soo is still living a life of enduring rather than truly living. At the very least, he works, eats his meals on time, and sleeps when he should, living as humanly as possible.

This is all Do-kwon’s fault, and also thanks to Do-kwon. Do-kwon, who is currently sleeping behind him, breathing steadily.

Eun-soo gripped the blanket tightly. He had to meet Myeong-hui. He had to give an answer to her proposal. He still hadn’t decided.

Because although he hated Do-kwon with a passion, he couldn’t leave him. As he had told his teammates today, Eun-soo is prone to loneliness. He cries easily and is fragile in the face of depression.

Right now, it’s okay because Do-kwon is by his side. His pheromone scent constantly lingers around him, the desolate bed is cozy with his presence, there is always someone to eat with, and there is someone who worries if he doesn’t sleep or if he sleeps too much—that is how he manages to live.

Eun-soo is in pain because of Do-kwon. Yet, he needed Do-kwon to live like a human being.

It was a contradiction.

In the abyss of that contradiction, Eun-soo was dying and being reborn at the same time. That was why his body kept creaking and his emotions swung wildly.

He felt as though letting go of something would bring peace. But he couldn’t tell if that something was Bomi, Do-kwon, or his own lifeline.

Tears fell incessantly. Before he knew it, his pillow was damp. He was thinking that it was a relief that the sound of his moisture-laden breathing was drowned out by the heavy rain.

“……How long are you going to cry?”

A low voice crawled up the back of his head like a snake.

“…….”

Eun-soo stopped breathing. Startled, he froze stiff, unable to even look back, and heard the sound of the blanket crumpling beyond his ears. Soon, a warm heat wrapped around his back.

Do-kwon, burying his forehead in the nape of Eun-soo’s neck, murmured in a voice laced with a breathy quality.

“I know I have no right to tell you not to cry.”

“…….”

“Still, don’t cry too much, Eun-soo.”

Do-kwon gently stroked Eun-soo’s forearm, which was exposed above the blanket. At that touch, Eun-soo felt the sorrow he had been suppressing explode. He tried to pretend he wasn’t crying, to pretend he was fine, but it was a pathetic performance. His shoulders shook, and his chest heaved violently.

Gasping for air, Eun-soo asked in a muffled voice.

“When…… did you wake up?”

“A long time ago.”

“What do you mean, a long time ago…….”

“From the first day you cried in your sleep until now.”

“…….”

Eun-soo shut his mouth tight. He knew exactly which day the “first day” referred to.

In truth, today wasn’t the first time Eun-soo had shed tears alone in the early morning. Whenever he saw a young girl on the street, he would often weep silently that night.

It would be better if he could just scream and rage. If he could just beat the sleeping Do-kwon, strangle him, and curse him, perhaps this sadness would transform into anger and fury. But he just shed tears like an idiot.

Sometimes, he found Do-kwon hateful for seeming to sleep without a single worry. But it seemed Do-kwon hadn’t just been sleeping; he had been crying along with Eun-soo. It was just that he had no right or way to comfort him, so he had played ignorant.

However, today the crying had lasted longer than usual, so after enduring it as long as he could, he had finally spoken.

Do-kwon tried to adjust his hold to embrace Eun-soo, but Eun-soo twisted his body and escaped from Do-kwon’s arms. He then pushed himself up. Do-kwon rose with him. The two faced each other. Do-kwon clenched his teeth at the sight of Eun-soo’s tear-soaked face, and Eun-soo murmured with empty eyes.

“I want to cry.”

“…….”

“Why can’t I cry? It’s not like I’m dying. What’s wrong with crying a bit?”

“Eun-soo…….”

“Why do you criticize me for crying?”

Eun-soo glared at Do-kwon. His small face was filled with sorrow and grief. Do-kwon shut his mouth. His lips parted as if to say something, but he soon dropped his head.

“I was wrong. I’m sorry.”

“…….”

“It’s because it made me sad to hear you crying silently, and I hated seeing you cry in hiding.”

“…….”

“From now on, just cry.”

“…….”

“I won’t say anything.”

At those words, Eun-soo’s lower lip trembled. Then, he burst into tears like a child. He cried with all his might, as if to vomit out all the emotions he had been suppressing until now.

Do-kwon sat blankly in front of him. He didn’t rashly embrace or comfort him, nor did he use a cunning tongue to offer consolation. How could he dare, when the tears Eun-soo shed were all caused by him?

Just as the window quietly endured the violently pouring rain, Do-kwon took Eun-soo’s tears head-on.

It was a damp night.

* * *

Do-kwon sighed repeatedly as he watched Eun-soo, who had cried incessantly all through the dawn before falling into a dead sleep. Worried about tomorrow, he wiped the corners of Eun-soo’s eyes with a cold wet towel.

Afterward, he lay down beside Eun-soo to catch some sleep, but he bolted upright when he felt Eun-soo’s forearm burning hot.

Eun-soo was breathing in short, ragged gasps. Not only were his eyelids swollen from tears, but his forehead and cheeks were also flushed. However, his lips were pale. His forehead and neck were damp with cold sweat.

“……Eun-soo?”

Do-kwon’s heart sank at the sight. Even though he had seen Eun-soo sick several times, he never developed an immunity to it. Springing from the bed, Do-kwon dialed 119 on his phone. But he hesitated just before pressing the call button.

He knew all too well how much Eun-soo hated hospitals. He was already in a sensitive state after crying all night. He didn’t want him to wake up in a hospital.

Do-kwon frantically tapped the home button and called a doctor from Seong-jin Hospital, requesting a house call. He tended to Eun-soo until the doctor arrived. He raised the room temperature, wiped away the cold sweat, and changed his sweat-soaked clothes.

The doctor, who arrived in thirty minutes, diagnosed it as a simple fever. He added that since there were signs of body aches, he needed to eat and sleep well. Fortunately, it wasn’t a cold or a pheromone issue.

The doctor left after placing an IV in the back of Eun-soo’s hand and providing a few pills.

Eun-soo suffered throughout the weekend. The fever was so severe that he was delirious. Even when fed porridge, he barely ate, and he struggled to swallow the medicine.

Do-kwon looked after Eun-soo with extreme anxiety. He checked his temperature constantly, feeling relieved when it dropped and devastated, as if the world were collapsing, when it rose. What on earth had that quack of a doctor given him? Even when administered regularly, the medicine had no effect.

Should he have just taken him to the hospital? He should have known sooner. No, he shouldn’t have let him cry. Even if he had to bark like a dog and get angry, or roll around like a monkey, he should have made Eun-soo stop crying. Instead, he had just watched him cry.

Like an idiot. Like an idiot. Like an idiot.

Sitting on the sofa next to the bed, Do-kwon shook his legs anxiously. His gaze remained fixed on Eun-soo, who was breathing shallowly.

Do-kwon was wasting away. It had only been two days, but the area under his eyes had turned dark. It was only natural, as he hadn’t slept or eaten for over forty hours.

Outside the window, the sun was rising to welcome Monday. Do-kwon reached for his phone. Since it seemed Eun-soo wouldn’t be able to go to work, he figured he should notify the company on his behalf.

Do-kwon pressed the power button to light up the phone. The date and time appeared on the lock screen. As he absentmindedly swiped past them, he suddenly froze.

“…….”

He had thought Eun-soo was sick because he had cried all through the dawn. That wasn’t it.

Do-kwon bolted up from the sofa. At the same moment, Eun-soo slowly opened his eyes.

* * *

Do-kwon was pacing in front of Eun-soo’s dressing room like a dog that needed to pee. His fingers couldn’t stay still, moving as if playing a piano. Eun-soo didn’t come out of the dressing room for a long time.

Unable to wait any longer, Do-kwon pressed his ear to the door. It was silent. While changing clothes doesn’t usually make much noise, it was excessively quiet. He worried that Eun-soo might have collapsed while moving with a body that hadn’t fully recovered from the fever.

Do-kwon finally placed his hand on the doorknob. Just as he was about to turn it, he heard a presence beyond the door. Do-kwon quickly stepped back. A few seconds later, the door opened and Eun-soo appeared.

Eun-soo was dressed in a white dress shirt and a black suit. The tie, tightened up to his neck, looked stifling. Do-kwon scanned Eun-soo from head to toe and frowned slightly.

“You should wear a coat. It’s cold outside.”

“Ah…….”

Eun-soo let out a small sigh. He went back into the dressing room and came out with a black coat. Even so, the crease between Do-kwon’s brows did not unfurl.

It was cold outside. The rain that had fallen all weekend had eventually turned into snow. As if happy about the change, it had dyed the whole world white. The streets were entirely white. It was a white that made one’s spine shiver just by looking at it.

And yet, he intended to go out with just a coat. A scarf and a padded jacket wouldn’t even be enough. Since his body was still burning with fever, the thought of him leaving the house weighed heavily on Do-kwon’s mind.

“A scarf, too…….”

Do-kwon said softly.

“…….”

But Eun-soo did not answer. It seemed he didn’t want the scarf. However, Do-kwon did not give up. He strode into the dressing room and found the thickest scarf. In the meantime, Eun-soo was heading down the stairs.

Do-kwon hurriedly caught up to him.

“I don’t want a scarf. I’m taking the car anyway, so it’s fine without one.”

Eun-soo rejected Do-kwon’s concern in a harshly cracked voice. But Do-kwon knew no retreat. He would have yielded a hundred or a thousand times for anything else, but because it concerned Eun-soo’s health, he couldn’t give up.

“Do it anyway. If you’re sick again today, I won’t let you go to work tomorrow.”

Do-kwon spoke warningly to Eun-soo, who was just slipping his foot into his shoe.

“…….”

Eun-soo glared at Do-kwon with bloodshot eyes. Ignoring that gaze, Do-kwon wrapped the scarf around Eun-soo’s neck. He rolled it up to cover Eun-soo’s nose and tied a loose knot. Seeing only the eyes exposed, he felt a bit more relieved.

Eun-soo bent over to tie his shoelaces. Immediately, Do-kwon knelt and tied the laces himself. His large hands skillfully created the knots. Eun-soo looked down quietly at the crown of Do-kwon’s head, which was bowed low.

“Eun-soo.”

Do-kwon called out to him while tying the other shoe.

“…….”

Eun-soo didn’t bother to answer. Do-kwon lifted his head and met Eun-soo’s eyes. After hesitating for a moment, he asked cautiously.

“Can I…… go with you?”

Eun-soo shook his head. It was a denial that didn’t hesitate for a single moment. A bitter smile appeared on Do-kwon’s lips.

“……Alright.”

Do-kwon finished tying the shoelaces. He didn’t stubbornly insist on following. Normally, he would have pestered Eun-soo, saying he’d be quiet, that he’d just follow along, that he wouldn’t do anything, but not today. Because today was not a day for that.

Do-kwon stood up. Then, with a lingering touch, he straightened the collar of Eun-soo’s coat.

“If you’re sick, or lone…… if you cry, call me.”

“…….”

“I’ll come immediately.”

“…….”

Eun-soo gave no answer. He slightly pulled the scarf up and then down, then turned around. He opened the front door. Soon, Eun-soo disappeared and the door closed. The sound of the door lock engaging echoed loudly through the spacious entryway.

Do-kwon let out a long sigh and rubbed his face with his hands.

Today…… is the anniversary of the death of Eun-soo’s parents.

The memorial park felt exceptionally cold compared to other places. Perhaps it was because it was so bleak and desolate. Even though there were occasional people and various decorations, the shadows cast over everything would not lift.

Eun-soo thought it was a good thing he had worn the scarf Do-kwon wrapped around him. Otherwise, he would have been shivering from the cold on top of his sadness.

Without looking at a single signpost, Eun-soo found his parents’ columbarium. Although it had been a year since he last visited due to many events, the place was familiar. That was because in his twenties, he had frequented the place once or twice a month.

Standing before the columbarium where two urns sat side by side, Eun-soo blinked slowly.

Nearly ten years had passed since his parents died. Eun-soo no longer cried in front of the urns that contained nothing more than white powder. He didn’t mutter like a madman, nor did he have eyes full of longing.

Rather than becoming numb, it would be more accurate to say he had become accustomed to it. He knew well that pouring out his sorrow through sobbing wouldn’t fade the stubborn grief that remained.

After looking at his parents’ photos for a moment, Eun-soo took a small key from his pocket. He opened the glass door of the columbarium. Pushing his parents’ photos to one side, he took a photo out of his wallet. It was a photo that looked like white clouds mixed into a black background.

“Mom, Dad. It’s your granddaughter. I told you when I came before. You remember, right?”

Eun-soo spoke softly and placed the photo beside his parents. It was Bomi’s ultrasound photo.

“I couldn’t, couldn’t protect her…… so please, at least you two…… take good care of her.”

Long after he had regained consciousness after slitting his wrists, Myeong-hui had brought this photo, saying he had found it at the house. The ultrasound photos Eun-soo had carefully collected in the bedside drawer. He had brought one of them today.

“No…… maybe it’s a bit much to call her a granddaughter…….”

Since she was never born, the meaning of her existence was ambiguous. Since she had never died, it felt absurd to place a photo in a columbarium like this.

Nevertheless, Eun-soo placed the photo neatly and closed the glass door. Then, for a long time, he gazed at the family he had lost. As he did, his body grew hot. Cold sweat beaded on his forehead, and the scarf felt stifling.

“……It’s hot.”

Eun-soo unwrapped the scarf Do-kwon had tied. A hollow wind swept across the nape of his neck, but it felt refreshing.

He gripped the scarf tightly and then released it. His gaze would not leave the smiling faces of his parents. As he looked, he had the hallucination that Bomi, who was nothing more than a tiny dot, was also smiling.

Belatedly, Eun-soo felt a bit sad. Because it felt as though his family was happy without him. A petty jealousy arose. He hated God. If He was going to take every single person away so stubbornly, He should have just taken him too.

He had been in two car accidents, suffered pheromone shock, and frequently slit his wrists. How could He still keep him alive? How hard could it be to take one more insignificant life? After all that effort and pleading, He should have just taken him.

Eun-soo slowly collapsed. Curling his thin legs, he buried his face between his knees. The scarf dragged on the ground, but he didn’t care.

Eun-soo remained crumpled like that for a long time. His legs grew numb. His body chilled from the cold rising from the ground. His bangs were damp with cold sweat. Even so, Eun-soo kept himself curled up like a pill bug.

How long had he been like that? Suddenly, something dropped from the sky with a thud. It was the key to the columbarium that Eun-soo hadn’t removed. As Eun-soo reached out to pick it up, his eyes met another person’s urn on the floor below. To be precise, his eyes met the cross next to the urn.

“…….”

Looking at it, Eun-soo parted his lips.

What is the reason God kept me alive?

Suddenly, he became curious about that.

Eun-soo left the memorial park around the time of sunset. As he walked slowly toward the parking lot, his vision blurred. He could hear his own ragged breathing in his ears.

It was too hot. He had crumpled the scarf haphazardly and flung open the front of his coat. The winter wind piercing through his waist was freezing, yet he was hot.

Eun-soo realized that his physical condition was abnormal. But he did nothing. Since he wouldn’t die anyway, and God wouldn’t take him, what did it matter? Being sick was nothing.

He walked blankly along the path where snow had piled up. He saw the parking lot in the distance. Thinking that he could finally sit down soon, his shoulders relaxed. He thought he should close his eyes for a moment before starting the car. As he stepped down a stair with that thought.

Feeling that the sole of his foot was particularly slippery, his shoe slid straight forward. His body, consumed by fever, reacted a beat too late. By the time he felt himself tilting, the cloudy sky already dominated his entire field of vision.

“Ah…….”

Eun-soo let out a thin groan. He thought that if he was going to fall, he wished his head would slam hard into the ground. Then he wondered what it would be like if holes were punched into his memory, like Do-kwon once had. Then there would be no need to be in pain or to cry. He wondered if he could then live like an idiot, grinning because he liked Do-kwon.

Eun-soo slowly closed his eyes. As he waited for the blunt impact of pain, a powerful grip snatched his waist. His falling body was jerked upright in an instant.

Eun-soo looked back. Do-kwon was standing there, dressed in a black suit. He thought he caught a familiar scent brushing past the tip of his nose, but he had assumed it was just a hallucination caused by the fever breaking his senses. He hadn’t expected Do-kwon to actually be nearby.

Leaving himself in Do-kwon’s hold, Eun-soo gazed up at him blankly. Then, Do-kwon answered a question that hadn’t even been asked.

“Sorry. I was so worried I couldn’t stay away.”

“…….”

“Why are you walking around in such a daze? You have to be careful when it’s snowing like this. Is your ankle okay?”

Do-kwon lifted Eun-soo up the stairs in one swift motion and set him down carefully. Then, he leaned over to examine Eun-soo’s ankle. Eun-soo watched Do-kwon’s busy movements in silence.

Again. He had failed to die again.

The cause, as always, was Do-kwon.

The man who saved him no matter how he tried to die. The man who appeared out of nowhere like a ghost. At this point, Eun-soo wondered if the man had seen a future where he died from a fractured skull and returned to the present to save him.

Judging that Eun-soo’s ankle was fine, Do-kwon stood up with a sigh. Then, seeing Eun-soo’s exposed neck, he wrinkled his nose.

“Why aren’t you wearing a scarf?”

“It’s… too hot…”

“…Hot?”

Do-kwon asked back with an incredulous expression. He then placed a hand on Eun-soo’s forehead. He was burning up, practically a human hand-warmer. Do-kwon urgently grabbed Eun-soo’s wrist.

“Let’s go home first.”

“…….”

Eun-soo was led away by Do-kwon without a word of complaint. He knew that even if he said he hated it, told him to let go, or told him to get lost, Do-kwon wouldn’t listen.

Entering the parking lot, Do-kwon opened the car door.

“Get in.”

At those words, Eun-soo looked toward his own car parked some distance away. Do-kwon tugged firmly on Eun-soo’s sleeve to pull his gaze back.

“I’ll have someone bring your car. For now, take mine. Okay? You need to rest. Your body is like a ball of fire.”

“…….”

Once again, Eun-soo did as Do-kwon told him without much say. He was exhausted. He didn’t have the energy for a war of nerves. As the man said, he wanted to rest. He wanted to lie in a soft, warm bed and sleep without thinking about anything.

As Eun-soo sat blankly in the passenger seat, Do-kwon personally fastened the seatbelt for him and turned up the heater. Only then did he sit in the driver’s seat.

Soon, the car set off. The interior was silent. Neither of them spoke. Eun-soo leaned his head diagonally against the window. The window was completely fogged up due to the heat inside the car. He slowly traced the glass with his finger.

He saw mountains covered in white snow. It was a landscape that wasn’t breathtakingly beautiful, nor was it desolate. Eun-soo stared at it quietly.

The white scenery continued. It felt like watching a TV screen that only showed white noise. The snow fell incessantly, and the sound of the wipers moving back and forth and the wind from the heater sounded excessively loud.

Suddenly, his stomach churned. His vision went black for a moment before brightening again, and something hot, thick, and nauseating surged up from within.

Eun-soo’s upper body jolted as if struck by something. With trembling hands, he tapped Do-kwon’s forearm.

“Please… pull over for a second. I think I’m going to throw up.”

“…….”

Checking behind him, Do-kwon jerked the steering wheel. Fortunately, the shoulder of the road was wide. After stopping the car, Do-kwon pressed the hazard button. He scrambled out of the car. Eun-soo also opened the passenger door. However, before he could take a single step, he collapsed flat onto the snowy road.

“Eun-soo!”

Do-kwon quickly supported him. But Eun-soo’s slumped waist wouldn’t lift. Eun-soo gripped Do-kwon’s clothes tightly. Then, he began to retch.

It was dry heaving. His mouth opened and closed, but nothing came out. Even so, as if his stomach were still nauseous, or as if he were determined to spit something out, Eun-soo continued to dry heave.

His thin body trembled violently. His face was flushed bright red, and labored breaths burst repeatedly through his parted lips. Whether they were physiological tears or tears of resentment and sorrow, thick droplets fell heavily onto the white snow.

“Eun-soo…”

Do-kwon pulled Eun-soo into a tight embrace. He wished Eun-soo would just vomit. He wanted him to throw up everything inside and finally feel some relief. But seeing him unable to even do that, only dry heaving, made Do-kwon feel an agonizing level of pity.

The temperature of Eun-soo, held in his arms, was continuing to rise. It wouldn’t be strange at all if he just blacked out right then and there. Panicked, Do-kwon fumbled through his coat, searching for his phone. They had to go to the hospital. This wasn’t a simple fever. If left like this, he might become seriously ill.

Just then, Eun-soo, who had been pressing the crown of his head against Do-kwon’s chest, slowly lifted his head. His lips were glistening with saliva, and his cheeks were damp with tears. With a pained expression, Do-kwon used his thumb to wipe Eun-soo’s cheek and lower lip.

“Do-kwon-ssi.”

Eun-soo called Do-kwon in a damp, sodden voice. Do-kwon met his gaze deeply, asking with his eyes what was wrong. Eun-soo leaned his cheek against Do-kwon’s palm.

“I… it’s too hard.”

“…….”

“I want to stop everything.”

“Eun-soo…”

“I want to be happy. I don’t want to cry anymore, and I don’t want to be in pain.”

“…….”

“But… is that okay?”

“…….”

“Do I have the right? How could I. How dare I. I feel so ashamed and sinful for even thinking such a thing. But it’s just so hard, I want to let it all go…”

The words he spat out haphazardly lacked a center. Switching from one thought to another, they laid bare Eun-soo’s confused heart.

“What we lost… is something that can’t be recovered…”

No matter what, it’s something that can’t be overcome… Even if I keep holding on, nothing changes… Eun-soo let tears fall. Thick droplets skipped over his cheeks and fell straight to the ground. Even that, created by Eun-soo, was truly beautiful.

Do-kwon gently cupped Eun-soo’s cheeks and lifted his face. He looked steadily into his eyes.

“Why do you think you have to recover it?”

“…What?”

“Just forget, Eun-soo.”

“…….”

Eun-soo stopped breathing. It was a statement that made him doubt his ears. Eun-soo stared at Do-kwon with wide eyes.

“How… how could you…”

How could you say that. Of all people, you. To tell me to forget. To forget all of it. To stop searching. Your loss was the starting point of all this tragedy. And now you’re telling me to forget. It was so absurd that he couldn’t even feel anger.

When Eun-soo said he wanted to let go, he didn’t mean he wanted to forget. He simply meant he wanted to escape, just once, to poke his head out of that deep, damp pit.

Gritting his teeth, Eun-soo gripped the collar of Do-kwon’s shirt, but Do-kwon gave a faint smile.

“Of course, I won’t forget, Eun-soo. I won’t forget anything.”

“Ah…”

“But you can forget. I’ll remember, so forget as much as you want.”

Do-kwon tenderly stroked the back of Eun-soo’s head. He touched him as if comforting, soothing, embracing, and loving him. He pressed his lips firmly against Eun-soo’s damp eyelids and then pulled away. Then, like a devil tempting a fragile human, or an angel persuading a fallen one, he whispered in a pleasant voice.

“You’ve done enough. What more do you have to do? It’s been three years since Bomi left. There’s no need to do more. Even if you cry and suffer, Bomi isn’t coming back.”

“B-but…”

“Let’s start everything fresh.”

“…….”

“I’ll do the atonement, I’ll do the crying, and I’ll do the hurting.”

“…….”

“I’ll… I’ll do well. I’ll do everything for you. So Eun-soo, you start over.”

The words he spoke clearly pierced into the crown of Eun-soo’s head, his brow, below his collarbone, around his chest, and between his ribs. Do-kwon continued to whisper while holding him.

That it was okay. That he could forget. That he should. That no one would say anything. That he was innocent. That he had done everything he could.

It was an overly brazen thing for him to spout, but what else could he do? Was it right to stand by and watch Eun-soo cry, to suffer alongside him as he groaned through a fever that would never heal for the rest of his life?

No. Eun-soo shouldn’t have to. Eun-soo could forget everything and be happy. For that to happen, the role of the villain had to belong to Do-kwon.

After soothing Eun-soo for some time, Eun-soo slowly reached out and hugged Do-kwon’s waist. Then, after taking a few deep breaths,

“Huuu, hic, waaaaah…”

“…….”

“I hate, hic, the pain… ugh, I hate, hic, being sad… I hate it all now-aaa…”

He burst into a full-fledged sob.

Eun-soo cried with his whole body, with all his heart. The sorrowful wailing continued. Throughout it all, Do-kwon quietly held and comforted him.

Listening to Eun-soo’s crying in his ear, Do-kwon felt strangely refreshed. It was a completely different feeling from when he had left Eun-soo to cry alone in the early morning a few days ago. As Do-kwon wondered why, he soon found the answer.

Eun-soo.

Was letting it all out.