By Zephyria 
Flustered, Haon paid the taxi fare, gripped his wallet, and stepped out of the car.
“Haa….”
Fortunately, the wallet was in his pants pocket. The habit of keeping important items in his pockets had saved him. Had he lost his wallet on top of his phone, the situation would have been even bleaker.
Haon stumbled as he picked up his pace to escape the stinging rain. The raindrops, which had gradually thickened while he was in the car, were now turning into a downpour.
“I’m… okay… it’s okay….”
Pressing down on his racing heart, he blinked repeatedly to clear the rain obstructing his vision. It felt as if his stomach were filled with boiling water. He covered his mouth, fearing that if he vomited that water, blood would pour out with it.
Haon was currently in a state where he could not think rationally.
The heat of the heat, which paralyzed reason, always robbed Haon of his memories. He couldn’t even remember getting out of the taxi, nor did he know why he was outside.
His only thought was that he needed to return to the coziness of his home and lie down as quickly as possible. Despite the deserted street, the mere fact that he was outdoors with nowhere to hide terrified him.
I’ll go home quickly, lock the door tight, and sleep while hugging the kitchen scissors. So that no one… no one encounters me.
He struggled to stay conscious, biting the tender flesh inside his cheek. He spat out the torn piece of skin along with his saliva. After dry-heaving, he washed his face with rainwater and headed toward the entrance of a familiar building.
The moment he crossed the threshold of the entrance, a sigh of relief escaped him.
Now it’s okay. Once I go inside the house, no one will be able to touch my body.
With unfocused eyes, Haon climbed the stairs, but he missed a step and fell. Thanks to a reflexive reach of his hand, his palm hit the ground instead of his face. If he hadn’t blocked it with his hand, he might have broken his nose.
“Ah….”
That didn’t mean his hand was unscathed.
Haon gripped his throbbing hand and crawled up the stairs on his elbows and knees. Because it was an old, poorly maintained building, all sorts of trash and dust were rolling around the stairs.
However, Haon didn’t care; he crawled with all his might, sweeping his bare skin against the floor. The symptoms of this sudden heat were slightly different from usual. He didn’t know why.
“I’m… okay….”
Normally, he should have lost his reason long ago. By now, he should have been clutching his starving stomach and scavenging for any food.
Strangely, he wasn’t hungry. Instead, his backside just kept becoming damp.
Even as he crawled across the dirty floor, Haon swallowed his tears, relieved by that fact. The sensation of heat rising in his body and his underwear tightening was terrible, but he felt reassured just by the fact that he wasn’t searching for food. It was also a relief that there was no one coming or going in the building.
Having barely managed to reach the 4th floor of the old gosiwon building, Haon squeezed his eyes shut and opened them again. It was because his vision was tilting along with a severe ringing in his ears.
“I’m… here….”
He kept soothing himself as he arrived in front of his door. He muttered endlessly, feeling as though he would lose consciousness if he didn’t make a sound.
With hands beaded with raindrops, Haon opened the door lock cover and pressed the password.
Beep- beep- beep-.
He wanted to open this door quickly and dive into his cozy bed. He thought he would be able to do that soon.
“Uh….”
However, the warning sound indicating the password was incorrect heightened Haon’s fear.
Panic-stricken, Haon shook the firmly locked doorknob. Naturally, the door didn’t budge.
“Why, why….”
Mumbling in a slurred voice, he slowly repeated the same password. The result was the same. The door would not open.
This can’t be happening.
Since moving to Seoul, Haon had used the same password consistently. Even for his personal locker at his part-time job, he always used the same one. It was so he would never forget it.
“Ugh….”
As a headache intensified along with the tinnitus, he collapsed to the floor, clutching his head. Because he had lost his phone, he couldn’t call for help immediately.
Did I perhaps fail to pay the rent? Is that why the landlord changed the password?
He tried hard to rack his heavy brain, but no answer came. Feeling that he would lose consciousness again if he stayed like this, he began to bite the tender flesh inside his already raw mouth once more.
The more the metallic taste of blood spread in his mouth, the more his breathing quickened. Even though he was just sitting still, his breath grew ragged on its own. His lower abdomen and perineum throbbed as if someone were stabbing them with needles.
“Hng, ah….”
Haon covered his mouth to stop the strange sounds from leaking out and blinked his wet eyes. Hearing the sound of a television from the next door, he felt that he could no longer stay here.
The man next door was an Alpha.
‘Isn’t it too dangerous to live here alone?’
Along with a sudden thought, a familiar voice flashed through Haon’s mind. It was definitely a voice he knew, but in his current state, Haon couldn’t immediately recall the owner of that soft tone.
He simply chewed on the thought that where he was was by no means a safe place and stood up. His legs gave out, and after falling and standing up several times, he headed back down the stairs.
Where should I go? Feeling as if his breath were being choked out, he beat his chest and gripped the stair railing. The breath he took in deeply wouldn’t come back out properly.
As he struck his chest hard to expel the trapped breath, tears burst out with it.
“Hng… cough, hng….”
An anxiety that he had forgotten something swept over him. Exhausted, Haon slumped onto the stairs and leaned against the rusted railing.
Now, he didn’t even know why he was sitting here. Forgetting that he had failed to enter the password, he tried to go back up, but his legs gave out and he collapsed.
New bruises formed over the ones already on his hand. Drenched in rain, Haon trembled, glancing around incessantly. His brown pupils were shaking uncontrollably.
“Hy- hyung….”
Then, he suddenly called out for Seong-gu, who couldn’t possibly be in Seoul. When no answer came no matter how much he called, he looked for his grandmother, and eventually, he even cried out for his mother.
Haon was not in his right mind. He shouldn’t have been relieved just because he didn’t feel hunger.
“M- mommy….”
Just then, someone spoke to Haon, who was sobbing like a small child. It was a man’s voice.
Due to the worsened tinnitus, he couldn’t hear the surrounding sounds properly. The voice that faintly reached him felt somewhat kind. The face obscured by tears also seemed to be smiling for some reason.
Shedding thick tears, Haon ended up accepting the hand that tried to lift him up. However, that only lasted for a moment.
“Let, let go….”
A strong smell of alcohol emanated from the stranger who was groping his waist.
Terrified, Haon pushed the man away, saying he was okay. Then, the hand that had been fiddling with his waist suddenly gripped his wrist and pulled him upward.
“I said I’ll help you,” the drunken voice said, grinning grotesquely.
“I don’t… need it.”
Haon, gripping the railing again, shook his head. The skin touched by the rough grip felt as if it were burning.
His body was getting hotter and hotter. An unknown liquid flowed more abundantly from between the cleft of his buttocks. Why is this happening? Why is my body always like this?
“Stop, stop it…!”
The strange man continued to pull Haon’s wrist. Claiming he had suppressants at his home, he tried to take Haon by force. Haon could not beat him with strength.
Haon knew that well. He realized that no matter how hard he pushed, it was useless. It would only make the atmosphere worse. That was what Haon feared most.
But… he didn’t want to follow.
“Ugh, ack! What the fuck!”
He didn’t know where such courage came from. Haon wondered inwardly even as he sank his teeth fiercely into the stranger’s hand.
“I told you, stop it! How many times do I have to say it!”
He felt estranged from himself—the version of him that wounded another person, screamed, and pushed them away. In his life, he had only been beaten; he had never once hit someone else.
Such a Haon was struggling, throwing clumsy punches. Haon cursed and grew angry at the man who kept pulling his body until the end. It felt as if the sounds coming from his mouth weren’t his own. It was unfamiliar and frightening, yet at the same time, it felt like he could finally breathe.
Hearing Haon’s piercing screams, a few people came out to the stairs, annoyed by the noise. Thanks to that, Haon was able to break away from the man and escape.
As he rushed out of the building, the cold rain cooled his stinging cheeks. He had been slapped when he bit the man’s hand, but strangely, it didn’t hurt.
Even after leaving the building, Haon screamed into the void like a madman. Even though no one stopped him or followed him out, he shouted for them not to touch his body.
He was like someone who climbs a mountain to scream at the top of their lungs. Or perhaps he had truly gone insane.
The loud sound of the rain drowned out Haon’s screams. Swallowing rainwater, Haon wandered the empty street, clutching his stomach. His eyes looked as if he were searching for someone.
He wandered the streets for a long time, drenched in rain. He couldn’t go far and circled around the old gosiwon building where he lived. It was because he was timid.
Searching for someone, Haon rubbed his throbbing stomach and swallowed saliva mixed with rainwater. A terrible pain surging from his lower abdomen passed through his pounding heart and rose up to his heated throat.
“I’m… hungry….”
The pain soon turned into hunger.
What entered Haon’s blurred vision was an old supermarket. Looking at the supermarket sign where the letters had all faded, he moved his legs as if possessed.
“Hng….”
It was painful, as if someone were squeezing his internal organs. He felt as if his stomach would split open if he didn’t put food in it immediately. That was how hungry he was.
The saliva clinging to the corners of his trembling mouth was washed away by the rain. Along with the tears that poured out without stopping.