By Zephyria 
“Don’t… lie to me.”
“I’m not lying.”
Don’t tremble! Shin Jeong-min. You have to help hyung. Smile.
“Think carefully. Was that person really Yeong-min? It wasn’t. It was me.”
Shin-woo thought. Amidst the confusion of his memories, the black fog blocking the truth cleared, and a figure he hadn’t seen appeared. A person he had told himself it absolutely couldn’t be. The person he hadn’t even considered because it seemed impossible overlapped with his memories.
‘Hyung… Shin-woo hyung…’
The person who had pushed aside all the physical pain and repulsion to accept him… The person who had held him while tenderly calling his name was not Yeong-min.
“How… how?! You?!”
It is impossible for an Alpha to hold another Alpha. It is a relationship characterized by severe pheromone repulsion and an instinctive sense of discomfort. While Omegas with Omegas or Betas with Betas could form deep relationships depending on the case, Alphas could share much and love and care for one another, but it was difficult to form a deep physical relationship.
Therefore, sexual intercourse between Alphas was seen as rape or mounting, and such an act was considered extremely perverse. At least, that was as far as Yu Shin-woo knew.
“It’s impossible. You’re an Alpha.”
Unable to believe he had held an Alpha, Shin-woo, in despair, demanded a denial from Jeong-min.
“That… after I sent Yeong-min away, I was cleaning the sheets stained with Yeong-min’s pheromones when you came. You were completely drunk… and since I had Yeong-min’s pheromones on me, you thought I was Yeong-min… and you…”
The color drained from Shin-woo’s face. He reached out and grabbed Jeong-min’s shoulders, trembling violently.
“Could it be… that I… ra—”
He could have said he raped him. He could have used that excuse to keep him by his side. Shin-woo had a strong sense of responsibility. But if he did that, both of them would cross a river of no return. In that case, it was better for only one person to enter that mire.
Smile, Jeong-min.
“Hey~ no. Hyung, there’s no way you’d do that. I just thought of it as an opportunity.”
“An opportunity?”
“An opportunity to be held by you. Since I’m an Alpha, I knew you wouldn’t be able to hold me. I wanted to be held, but—I knew you’d never hold me. This was exactly that opportunity.”
Was he saying this correctly? Would hyung understand his meaning? Jeong-min deliberately put his trembling hands in his pockets to hide them, pretending to be nonchalant.
“Jeong-min…”
“I like you. I love you… hyung…”
He thought he would never be able to confess in his entire life. He hadn’t even dared to think about it. Although he had said he would marry him when he received his ring one day, this was the first time he had expressed it so directly.
“For a very long time, you were the only one for me. I… I wanted to be your partner. Even if I had to give up everything.”
But he was doing it. Not for himself, but for him… However, Shin-woo did not know Jeong-min’s heart. Instead, he only grew colder.
“I… you…”
“Hyung.”
When Jeong-min reached out, Shin-woo pushed his shoulder away.
Ah, so this is hyung’s answer. Jeong-min withdrew his hand and put it back in his pocket.
“I’m sorry.”
No. I knew you’d say that, hyung. And that you’d push me away.
“I wasn’t in my right mind…”
I know. That’s why you… held me.
“It’s okay, hyung. I’m… I’m okay. So don’t let it weigh on your mind. I’m sorry it wasn’t Yeong-min. Maybe I gave you a bad memory. I’m sorry. I’ll apologize.”
He said everything calmly. He felt suffocated and as if tears would fall at any moment, but he smiled. Shin-woo looked at Jeong-min with a face full of repulsion. He felt stifled. He couldn’t stay here any longer.
“The misunderstanding is cleared, right? Then I’ll go now.”
“Was it… really you?”
“Yes, it was me. Not Yeong-min.”
“How could I do such a thing, I…”
Even if he didn’t want to know, he understood the meaning. It wasn’t ‘How could I do such a thing to you,’ but rather ‘How could I mistake you for Yeong-min and do such a thing.’ Either way, being hurt was inevitable.
“Drive safely.”
Jeong-min opened the door and trudged out. He opened and closed the gate and walked slowly through the garden. Soon, at the sound of the car departing, Jeong-min collapsed to the ground. The dam of tears he had been holding back burst, and they flowed incessantly.
He regretted it. That day… no matter what, he should have pushed Shin-woo away. Because he had been greedy… that’s why this happened. Who could he blame? It was a grave he had dug for himself.
✽✽✽
Fortunately, vacation started immediately after final exams, so he didn’t have to go to school.
Yeong-min was busy dating a new Alpha he had been introduced to, and Jeong-min stayed holed up in his room, doing nothing but studying and exercising. Occasionally, he would struggle in agony, meet friends and party passionately, or live drenched in alcohol for days, only to return to studying and exercising normally… his emotional swings were like those of someone with bipolar disorder.
However, to ensure his family didn’t worry, he behaved maturely in public spaces. Even if he felt like vomiting, he finished his meals and talked a lot with his mother and father.
“I heard Shin-woo is going to study abroad.”
This was something he heard while having tea and discussing economics, management, and general social issues with his father after dinner, as was usual without Yeong-min.
“What? Shin-woo… hyung?”
“Yes. He said he’s going to America.”
He didn’t know. No, of course he didn’t. He had never even heard him mention wanting to study abroad, even as a joke. It wasn’t something one could just suddenly do, and he never imagined he would quit the school where Yeong-min was and go abroad…
Jeong-min returned to his room and placed his phone on the table, debating whether to call Shin-woo, but in the end, he couldn’t.
He wanted to ask where he was going, but he knew all too well that they were no longer in a relationship where he could ask such things. Since then, he hadn’t contacted Shin-woo separately, and even when they met at school, they only exchanged greetings and never had a proper conversation.
Even so, he never imagined they would part so suddenly…
“Hyung really never fails to be unpredictable.”
Jeong-min buried his head in his pillow and cried… silently, for a long time.
Did the heavens pity him? A few days later, he went downstairs at his father’s call to find Shin-woo standing there, dressed in a suit.
Seeing the frozen Jeong-min, Shin-woo approached and greeted him first. Tenderly—he said, “Hello, Jeong-min.”
“Have you been well?”
Even though they were now almost the same height, Shin-woo reached out and stroked his hair. Was this a dream?
“Shin-woo hyung?”
“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”
“How did you get here?”
“That’s a strange way to put it. Is this somewhere I can’t come?”
“N-no, it’s not that.”
“I know. I just stopped by because I felt I should say goodbye before going to study abroad.”
So he is going, after all. And so hurriedly…
While Shin-woo and his father talked, Jeong-min sat in the corner of the sofa and said nothing. He wanted to, but he couldn’t. He felt that if he opened his mouth, tears would just tumble out…
“Could we… talk for a bit?”
Shin-woo called Jeong-min after finishing his conversation with the father. He couldn’t refuse. So he followed wherever Shin-woo led. The place he headed to was not Jeong-min’s room, but the backyard of the mansion.
“We used to play here a lot. I guess those days are gone now.”
Those happy times that would never return… If they were never to come again, he should have cherished that time more.
“Jeong-min.”
Jeong-min nodded. It was the maximum gesture he could manage.
“I’m sorry. That day… I’m sorry for leaving like that. I can tell you’re lying. How many years have I known you? You know me well, but I know you well too. I… mistook you for Yeong-min and held you by force, didn’t I?”
Jeong-min turned around. Then, this time, Shin-woo caught him. Seeing that Jeong-min’s eyes were full of tears, Shin-woo tightened his grip.
“I was suddenly scared, I couldn’t accept it, and with various complex emotions… even though I knew I shouldn’t, I abandoned you. I let you carry that burden alone. I’m sorry.”
“N-no—”
His voice trembled and wouldn’t come out. It was hard. Was it this difficult to say a single word? As Jeong-min lowered his head, Shin-woo stroked his hair.
“And thank you for your feelings. Truly, thank you. Thinking back, you and I were quite tangled up. And we broke a lot. I’m so exhausted I wanted to give up everything. I’ve become such a wreck, and you’re the same, aren’t you?”
No, I’m not like that, hyung.
“I ran alone for years, asking to be seen even when you wouldn’t look. I got exhausted… and as I caught my breath from that exhaustion, I could see. That both your love and my love were too far away…”