7 – Tit for Tat (5)

Chapter 4 (2)

After letting out a sneer that felt as sunken and damp as the air, Seo Hae-young stood up abruptly and pressed a cup of water to Hae-won’s lips. Hae-won forced himself to drink the water pouring from the slowly tilting cup, coughing violently. The water he had swallowed in haste caught in his throat, triggering a choking fit. Instead of patting his back, the hand that had been stroking his swaying hair gripped his forearm and pulled him up as the coughing subsided.

Led away with stumbling steps, Hae-won was sat down on a toilet with the lid closed. He opened his mouth for Seo Hae-young, who casually brought over a toothbrush smeared with toothpaste. Since he had once offended the man’s mood, he no longer had any justification to refuse this unwanted care. Not that Hae-young would have listened even if he had refused.

“Ah, open.”

Hae-won opened his mouth even wider, worried that the toothbrush might poke into his throat.

For a while, Seo Hae-young had often scratched Hae-won’s throat and the roof of his mouth with clumsy brushing, but now, supporting the chin with a scarred hand, he brushed with considerable skill. The scratching sound of the bristles against the teeth echoed through the silent bathroom. A Seo Hae-young who did not smile, a space where even the smallest sound resonated loudly, the sound of water droplets dripping from the showerhead… It was a tense time, even if he didn’t want it to be. The hand, stained with messy numbers, tightly gripped the hem of Seo Hae-young’s clothes as he stood with his back to the door.

Seo Hae-young, who had been carefully brushing the molars while suppressing his anger, looked down at the hand gripping the fabric so hard it wrinkled and the eyes filled with anxiety. He then broke the silence, saying, “I’ve been wondering for a while.”

“You said you didn’t want to live with me. So I thought… maybe you liked living alone.”

The inverted toothbrush tickled the roof of his mouth and then slid out. As Hae-won looked up with a mouth full of white foam, Seo Hae-young, who had flicked the toothbrush into the sink, wore an inscrutable expression. It was so ambiguous that it was impossible to tell if he was angry or not.

While Hae-won rinsed his mouth, led by the hand that personally helped him up, Seo Hae-young hugged his waist from behind and rested his cheek against Hae-won’s shoulder blade. It was a familiar warmth, but equally uncomfortable. As Hae-won carefully memorized the blurred numbers while washing them away under the gushing water, a dark voice covered his back as if filling the void.

“But I see you two are living together.”

Hae-won lifted his heavy head. His gaze locked with Seo Hae-young’s in the wall mirror, the man’s chin resting on his shoulder. The image of a wall with scattered chocolates came to mind, and a wave of dizziness returned. Saying “I’m hurt,” with eyes that didn’t look hurt at all, Seo Hae-young fumbled with his right hand over Hae-won’s chest, where he could feel the heart pounding. The hand, pressing the area where anxiety couldn’t be hidden to a stifling degree, slid down toward the lower abdomen.

“You said you helped him, right?”

‘Those bastards who help you all end up like that.’

Frozen, unable to even turn off the water, Hae-won let out a heavy, trembling breath. An auditory hallucination from long ago echoed. It was a warning that neither wore down nor faded, remaining unforgettable as time passed.

“Heugh… hah…”

His molars clattered together, and the opening for his voice was tightly shut. An emotion—whether fear, hatred, or a mixture of both—clumped together viscously. Instead of words to refute or defend, irregular breaths leaked out in wheezes. It was a reaction sufficient to provoke Seo Hae-young’s mood once again. And despite his composed exterior, Seo Hae-young, whose dark interior had reached its limit long ago, snapped up the bait Hae-won had accidentally dropped. The hand that irritably shut off the flowing water gripped Hae-won’s wrist painfully.

“What is it again… Do you hate talking to me?”

The chronic habit of keeping his mouth shut surfaced at the worst possible moment. Based on the distrust that talking wouldn’t matter anyway, and the sheer cruelty of bringing up an innocent third party to evoke guilt, no words came out.

Turned around by a ruthless touch, Hae-won closed his eyes to avoid the dizzying blur of his vision, without even a moment to soothe his waist which had hit the sink. As a stomach-churning nausea rose, even his perfectly fine ears stopped hearing clearly.

“Hm? I told you to say something. You did it well earlier. Do it like you did then.”

“I, I can’t… heugh…”

Nothing would change even if he spoke. As the truth gained from deep-seated experience surfaced, his throat felt itchy. The fact that even his breathing became a jumbled mess was partly due to the location. He couldn’t stand it.

Hurriedly pushing Seo Hae-young away and rushing out of the bathroom, Hae-won scratched his neck raw with his fingernails. Gi-tae’s phone number—he thought he had memorized it, but one or two digits were fading. He had to remember. He had to call before Seo Hae-young made things like that again… He couldn’t breathe.

“Huu… ugh…”

Red streaks were drawn across the skin that was a darker shade than other areas where wounds had healed. A struggle ensued as Seo Hae-young, who had immediately followed him out, tried to pull his hand away from the neck where wounds were beginning to form. However, it was not enough to stop Hae-won, who was resisting with all his might despite being unable to fully use his left hand. Pushed back against the wall, Hae-won pushed away the shoulder of Seo Hae-young, who was pressing his upper body close, and bent his waist, gagging.

“Ugh, hukk…!”

His throat tasted bitter. Every time his crookedly grown nails scraped the flesh, it felt infinitely insufficient and regrettable.

“Stop it… If you keep doing this, it makes it seem like you hate me.”

Seo Hae-young’s expression began to sour, but escaping the deathly terror was the priority. After tossing and turning, his trembling knees gave out, and he slid to the floor. As if he had endured as much as he could, a hand roughly grabbed his collar and threw him onto the bed. Seo Hae-young, who sat down by straddling the thrashing thighs, suppressed the seizure with his elbows and wrists while busily rummaging through the nightstand with his free hand. He picked up a phone with barely any battery left and quickly dialed a number he had memorized perfectly.

“This is the number, right? Call him. Just to say hello. Yeah?”

Hae-won, who had been scratching the suppressing wrist, opened his eyes wide with despair the moment he discovered the screen held before him.

“Heugh… uu…”

The first few digits were the number he had memorized. The last digits were blurry, but even if there were mistakes, he was in no position to notice. The intention to provoke him into speaking was obvious, but maintaining composure was not as easy as he wished.

“I just want to say thank you for taking such good care of him. Thank you for taking such good care of our Hae-won…”

Hae-won, who couldn’t believe a single word Seo Hae-young said, shook his head. The more he did, the colder the man’s face, filling his vision, became.

“Ah… fine, okay. I’ll do it then, right?”

As if understanding, Seo Hae-young nodded, and his thumb moved toward the call button. There was no time to think further. A blood-stained hand reached for the phone.

“Ugh…!”

The flailing hand struck Seo Hae-young’s wrist. The phone, slipping from the grip, fell onto the bed and was then kicked by a struggling leg onto the floor. The sound of a heart beating as if it would break through the ribs thundered in his ears.

When Seo Hae-young’s head, which had turned toward the floor where the phone fell, turned back, a chilling shiver ran down Hae-won’s pressed spine. Even the hand that couldn’t stop scratching froze in mid-air, twitching. With a strangely distorted face, Seo Hae-young let out a hollow laugh and raised the hand that had been ruthlessly torn to pat Hae-won’s cheek. The rough bandage inflicted invisible wounds on the fragile skin.

“Why are you like this? I said I’d go along with it. I was wrong. You said you’d forgive me if I did this. Right?”

Hae-won shook his head, letting out a moan mixed with sobs. He had never once said he would forgive him if he did such a thing, so he didn’t understand what the man was talking about. However, the expression of the considerably excited Seo Hae-young held such great conviction that it sparked the suspicion that he had simply forgotten what he’d said.

“You’ve been here this whole time. So fuck, stop keeping your mouth shut and say something…”

The end of the sentence was crushed. As an expression of being fed up and unable to tolerate it any longer overlaid the face unable to overcome irritation, the stiff hand headed for the neck again. It felt like he was going to die. Feeling that he would suffocate at this rate, just as the hard nails pressed against his Adam’s apple, a warm heat pushed the nails away and covered the wounded neck.

“Keu-hukk…!”

“Or do you like this? Yeah?”

The right hand gripped the neck strongly. As the finger joints bent and choked the windpipe, the legs sprawled across the messy blanket jerked. Tears hanging precariously at the corners of his eyes fell down his temples. The blood-rushed face quickly turned bright red, and the boiling emotions inside were cut off. The hand, possessing a clear purpose, strangled the neck without a shred of leniency, and the lungs, shrunken from exhaling, reached their limit within seconds.

“Heugh…! Kkeuk…!”

“What do I have to do? Tell me, yeah?”

Eyes filled with transparent moisture were intermittently hidden by fluttering eyelids. As if the blood circulating through the limbs had stopped for a moment, the fingertips trembled violently, and the bent knees snapped straight. Hae-won did not intentionally try to pull away the hand strangling his neck with weight. A reason slightly different from lacking the strength to resist heated his exhausted body.

“Uuu…”

As he slowly closed and then opened his eyes, which felt as if they would pop out, he saw a blur of a hand that had risen high as if to strike his cheek, then paused. It was similar to the situation he had experienced in the elevator. Looking down at the bright red Hae-won, Seo Hae-young, conflicted between impulse and resolve, spat out a curse through tightly clenched teeth. The moment Hae-won’s eyes were about to roll back, the hand dropped from the neck where the pulse could be felt.

“Hah…! Keuk, keu-eup…!”

As the pressure released and he sucked in a mouthful of air, Hae-won let out violent coughs as if vomiting. While rubbing his face, smeared with tears and saliva, against the sheets, his toes, invisible to Seo Hae-young who was sitting on his thighs, trembled sporadically.

“Hae-won, Yoon Hae-won.”

Before the panting breath could subside, a hot hand turned his chin forward and touched the corner of his mouth. Hae-won, who had been breathing with all his might to survive, glared at Seo Hae-young’s approaching face, shedding physiological tears.

“Smile.”

The thumb and index finger, applying pressure, pulled up the downturned corner of the mouth. With eyebrows drooping and tears flowing from the eyes, the sight of only the lips smiling was almost comical, but Seo Hae-young, facing him, did not smile in the least. As if dissatisfied with the smile that would collapse the moment the fingers relaxed, he used both hands, including fingers emerging from the bandage, to fix the smile in place.

“Smile. It’s good. You like being with me.”

“Uu, heu…!”

The front teeth were revealed through the ridiculously lifted lips. In the narrow distance where the tips of their noses almost touched, the whisper seeped into the reddish interior of the mouth. Every time his chest heaved, it brushed against Seo Hae-young’s chest, but the man’s inner thoughts did not reach him.

Seo Hae-young repeated the same action several times. He pulled up the corner of the lips and let go, stared at the crushed smile, and then corrected it again. Pressed under the obsessive behavior of Seo Hae-young, Hae-won could not smile in the face of the silent pressure. Far from smiling, only the sobbing deepened.

“Isn’t it funny? Not interesting?”

Where could he smile, and where could he find interest? When he weakly shook his head to signal for him to stop, Seo Hae-young, who had been staring silently for a while, disappeared from his sight. Along with that, the weight pressing his body was instantly removed. Seo Hae-young, who stood up as if possessed and left the bed, looked around the hospital room with a gaze as if choosing something. Letting out a deep sigh as if there was nothing suitable, he looked toward the window on one side of the wall, and an ominous premonition rose.

Gasping for air and straightening his ragged upper body, Hae-won hurriedly followed Seo Hae-young, who was heading toward the window with long strides. His bent knees dragged on the floor and the bandages wrapped around his palms became dirty, but as the wide-open window and the wind blowing from beyond made his eyes sting, a bizarre emotion resurfaced. His arms, following instinct, entwined Seo Hae-young.

“Heugh, kkeuk…!”

Seo Hae-young, leaning his head against the window frame, had neither smiled nor spoken the entire time, and he looked down with a strange gaze at Hae-won, who clung to his pant leg only at times like this. The sight of him rushing over the moment he showed a sign, despite having been strangled just moments ago, was so lovely it made him want to kill him. He felt it would be even prettier if he smiled just once, so…

“Will you smile if I do this? Would that be a bit interesting for you?”

He gripped the edge of the window, which seemed small yet sufficient for one person to fall through. His hand, though healing, had been severely wounded and felt stiff and numb, but the brown eyes, muddied by shock, made him endure the pain.

Hae-won, who had arbitrarily fit the end of the story even though the man hadn’t said he would jump, braced his collapsing knees. He seemed poised to just cry his heart out again. Seo Hae-young, who did not take the reaching hand, frowned while touching the hard window frame. In the past, he had liked the crying much more, but lately, he found it quite unpleasant. No, perhaps he did like it.

While tracing these unpredictable emotions, the boundary between reality and falsehood gradually collapsed… Ah, an exclamation escaped. The memory of Hae-won’s smile, smiling happily while creating a hideous burn on the back of his hand, brought about a smile full of conviction. An excited voice burst out exaggeratedly.

“You said you’d let it slide if I did this. If it hurts. Right?”

“Hah…!”

The moment Seo Hae-young, whose actions were completely unpredictable, turned his step, Hae-won leaped up and hugged his waist and arm, burying his face between the hollow shoulder blades and shaking his head. Just as he expected, the vibration of Seo Hae-young’s chuckling reached him, and in a moment of lapse—his forehead, marked with a faint scar, hit the sharp edge of the window frame. So startled he couldn’t even scream, Hae-won belatedly pulled the strangely behaving Seo Hae-young away.

The forehead, slammed so hard the glass window shook, swelled up red in an instant. After creating a wound where the skin was scraped and blood beaded, Seo Hae-young turned his head sideways, scrutinized the horrified Hae-won, and then straightened his bent waist. He looked as if he were about to slam it again. A scream, like metal being scraped by a sharp edge, erupted.

“Haa… stop, stop it!”

Wrapping his arms around Seo Hae-young’s head, Hae-won covered his forehead and eyes, where blood was spotting, with his palms. More strongly than the hand that had once covered his own forehead when he slammed it against the asphalt, he cradled it firmly so it could never be done again.

“Stop, ugh… you son of a bitch… stop it…”

Mixed with sobs, curses filled with resentment rang out as if his own forehead had been shattered. Seo Hae-young, whose chin was tilted back by the lingering touch, let out a question that could not be resolved in the darkness.

“Why?”

“Stop it, please…! Don’t do this to me…”

“Tell me the reason. So I can try to understand.”

Hae-won rubbed his burning nape against the broad shoulder, his eyes distorted with vivid anger. He gnashed his teeth. A reason. If there was a reason, there was one.

“Who… who do you think you are… heugh… who do you think you are, to just do whatever you want…”

The gloomy inner thoughts, which he himself didn’t fully understand, leaked out haltingly and trailed off.

Even if he suffered, Seo Hae-young had to be whole. Even if he wanted to die crying and crawling on the ground, that body had to remain intact. Every time he saw Seo Hae-young wounding himself, he became so infuriated he couldn’t control the trembling of his limbs. Whether it was an obsession with the ten years they spent together, or an obsession with Seo Hae-young to whom he had devoted so much time, Hae-won couldn’t tell. It felt as if something strange had rubbed off from Seo Hae-young onto him.

“Don’t, don’t do that kind of thing… really, don’t. Just, just hit me instead. I want to die. I’ll, I’ll kill you all, really…”

Listening silently to the contradictory sentences that were neither curses nor pleas, Seo Hae-young toyed with the two palms covering his vision, recalling how Hae-won would act hypersensitive whenever he did something pathetic. As he gripped the trembling wrist, the memory hit harder. The corners of his mouth, which twitched up unconsciously, shared half emptiness and half satisfaction. As he tried to move the hands covering his eyes, he pulled down Hae-won’s wrist, which was clinging to him like a seizure, and spoke.

“Hey, Hae-won… What I’m really curious about is, you said you hate me. If you hate me, you should just watch, not stop me while bawling your eyes out.”

He turned around, stroking the ugly nails and the hand left with many thin scars.

“You shouldn’t have followed me either. You shouldn’t have done that… That’s why I’m getting the wrong idea.”

A monsoon was falling from Hae-won’s eyes. It was a humid, muddy monsoon that buried all noise. It was a rain that returned them to a different time sharing the same place, to the moment when each had experienced their own loss.

Summer, monsoon, villa, cliff, sobbing, screaming, falling, summer, monsoon, villa, cliff, sobbing, screaming, falling… These were the images that repeated for Seo Hae-young. For Yoon Hae-won, different images would be appearing.

“…This is annoying.”

Hae-young, holding Hae-won with one arm as he shed tears of spite instead of the smile he had hoped for, slid down the wall. A chill emanated from the cold wall, while a contrasting warmth radiated from the entangled Hae-won. His forehead, which he had slammed against the wall without thinking of the consequences, felt numb. Thanks to that, his excitement had mostly subsided, but he didn’t feel refreshed, so he let out a lament like a sigh.

“How did it end up like this…?”

Hugging the waist of Hae-won, who was sobbing more violently than when he had been strangled, Hae-young leaned against the warm collarbone and looked around the trashed hospital room. It was pathetic, but there was nothing he could do. Yoon Hae-won only reacted and only got angry when he did things like this. Just as Hae-won could not understand Seo Hae-young, Seo Hae-young could not understand Hae-won. There was a time when he thought he knew everything… why did it end up like this?

“You probably don’t know either. Neither do I.”

As he leaned on Hae-won, who trembled sorrowfully yet stubbornly pressed his head into his chest, memories of a distant past that he could barely recall began to seep in, as if teasing him.

The hand that shaded the sunlight when he had fallen into a light sleep while slumped over a desk, the gentle breeze, the voice that called his name while lying down at the same eye level instead of shaking his shoulder to wake him, the grin of achievement and the slight wrinkle of the bridge of the nose when he lifted his heavy eyelids. Moments of sharing the same time, where Hae-won would run to him whenever called, smelling of the scent he had designated, unfolded in fragments. The Yoon Hae-won who didn’t smile or cry often now lived only within memories that grew blurrier day by day.

Since he believed there was nothing as useless as assuming “what ifs,” he had tried to shake off his lingering attachments in the past, but he didn’t know why he felt such regret now. Digging deeper into the embrace that provided unparalleled comfort every time he was held, Hae-young chewed over something he had clumsily admitted for the first time in a very long while and spoke it aloud.

“I think I ruined everything. I didn’t know.”

He had raged, thinking that something he had cherished had become stained and soiled, but he hadn’t realized that by raging upon it, the soles of his shoes were ruining that cherished thing even further. He had been so preoccupied with raging that he didn’t even know how to turn things back.

The regret that he should have gripped it with his own hands before anyone else could touch it was so terribly poisonous that it gnawed away at him, the very source of the poison. If he didn’t want to let go of the hand clutching something completely broken, and didn’t know how to fix it, what was he supposed to do? Lately, there were many things he wondered about. However, there were mountains of things he couldn’t understand no matter how hard he thought, so the best he could do was endure the exploding impulses for just a moment. After blinking a few times, Hae-young called Hae-won softly.

“Hey, Hae-won.”

The only response was the fading sound of sobbing. He couldn’t be sure if Hae-won was hearing him with those broken ears, but Hae-young murmured his wish as if talking to himself.

“I want to go back to how we were before.”

The sunset, signaling the end of the day, cast red shadows over the legs of the two sprawled figures. After staring blankly at the shadows that shifted as time passed, a childlike complaint leaked out bluntly.

“Can’t you just love me?”

It was one of the many secrets he had buried in the reeds where they couldn’t be heard. Unaware of shame, Seo Hae-young buried his slightly reddened ears against Hae-won’s chest, hoping that the frantically beating heart was all because of him.

* * *

The emptiness that inevitably follows after a commotion floated in the hospital room for quite a while. The window letting in the cold wind was closed and the tears had stopped, but the fire on the wick had not gone out. Hae-won acted as if he had heard nothing, and Seo Hae-young acted as if he had said nothing. It was a subject that was still too overwhelming for both of them.

The day, leaving behind that awkward atmosphere, passed in the blink of an eye, but the turmoil that could return at any time planted anxieties of different weights in their minds. For Hae-won, a heavier anxiety floated within his narrow range of movement, frequently tightening his chest, and the time flowing as fast as a launched arrow was infinitely insufficient to reflect on the stories he had heard vaguely.

Clutching the scars remaining on both hands, Hae-won looked at Seo Hae-young, who had taken off the ill-fitting patient gown, with gloomy eyes. On Seo Hae-young’s left hand, the traces of the night they reunited were engraved. The wound, blended with burns, was so hideous it was hard to look at, a scar that would never fade in a lifetime. He should have laughed triumphantly, saying he got what he deserved, but the corners of his mouth didn’t budge even when he tried to force a smile.

While waiting for Seo Hae-young, who was sitting on the sofa packing his few belongings, Hae-won would flinch and look down whenever the stitched hand caught the edge of his vision. Thus, when Seo Hae-young suddenly turned around and held something out, Hae-won’s shoulders jumped. When he opened his palm beneath the hand that approached as if telling him to take it, a cold piece of metal dropped into the hollow of his palm.

“Put it on me.”

The familiar bracelet emitted a dazzling light, reflecting the sunlight. The memory of the day he had struggled to get it back, attributing excessive meaning to it, was hazy. Stroking the heavily scratched bracelet, he supported the hideous hand that had come right up to his face. Since he had to look closely to fasten the lock, he squeezed his aching eyes shut and then opened them. It was clear that he was now going to harass him with this kind of hand.

After fastening the bracelet on the wrist of Seo Hae-young, who was peaceful alone while burdening him with immense guilt, Hae-won leaned into the hand that stroked his hair and cheek as if praising him for doing a good job. He ruffled the brown hair, which had grown long enough to slip through his fingers, until he was satisfied, and the detached hand lightly slapped his cheek.

“Get up.”

His overbearing way of speaking remained the same. As Hae-won stood up with the meager luggage, the intact hand lightly gripped his limp wrist. This was the result of a hard-won compromise with Seo Hae-young, who had fearlessly held his hand every time they went out for a walk. This wasn’t particularly welcome either, but seeing how excessively sensitive he became whenever they were apart, he had no choice but to give up his wrist.

The back of Seo Hae-young, who left the useless guardian behind to handle the discharge procedures himself, was still wide and sturdy, but on the other hand, it looked fragile. Believing that everything would be solved by being stubborn and screaming like a child, he knew nothing else. If he had known back then that the elements—the blind obsession with things he liked, the purity, the persistence, and the brightness that made one fall in love—could be this terrible, what would have happened? He wondered occasionally. Whether he would have loved him knowing that, or whether he would have backed away in fear.

Hae-won, who had been looking down at the polished floor with his head bowed, suddenly locked eyes with Seo Hae-young, who had invaded his field of vision. With a bright smile on the corners of his eyes, Seo Hae-young leaned over and spoke as if coaxing him.

“Shall we go?”

Unable to point out the behavior of asking for an opinion when he was going to do as he pleased anyway, Hae-won nodded. It had been like this for the past few weeks. He asked about everything, even the trivial things, and waited for an answer he liked. If he shook his head, Hae-young would keep asking until the answer was reversed, so it was easier for both body and mind to not even think about winning. Thus, Hae-won crossed the lobby with Seo Hae-young, who arbitrarily accepted his reluctant nod as a “yes.” A short shadow followed beneath his feet.

After getting into the car, where dust had accumulated here and there due to long neglect, there was only silence. The destination was already decided. The address he had memorized several times so as not to forget it still resided in a corner of his broken mind. Instead of looking at the navigation, which would be writing the address he knew so well he could recite it with a tap, he turned his gaze toward the car window.

He thought that time would be the last, but to think he would be in this car again. Suddenly, a life where nothing went as hoped felt miserable. He wondered if he would be lucky enough not to faint from despair when he stepped foot there. While spacing out, imagining the dark basement he would reunite with in half a day, he was startled. It was because a hand had reached out and brushed past his neck.

“Belt.”

When he looked back with startled eyes, Seo Hae-young, with a raised eyebrow, pulled the seatbelt. After fastening the seatbelt that Hae-won hadn’t noticed, he immediately started the engine. Just as he was about to reflexively say thank you and then shut his mouth, Seo Hae-young, who had unconsciously gripped the steering wheel with his left hand, hesitated as if about to speak. Hae-won’s gaze followed to the left hand.

The index finger that didn’t bend smoothly but twitched, and the noticeably trembling back of the hand, caught his eye. Rehabilitation could be done in Seoul, but no one was certain it would fully recover.

“That…”

His heart was confused and complex. Taking a trembling deep breath, Hae-won rubbed his dry eyes hard.

“It was good to rest for a long time. Right?”

Seo Hae-young naturally lowered the hideous hand and changed the subject while gripping the steering wheel with his right hand. After that, he brought up topics to lighten the sunken atmosphere, such as “Shall we go see the sea?” or “What do you want for dinner?” The words, detached from the ruined reality, sounded excessively idealistic. In the car, where no radio or music was playing and only the quiet sound of the engine could be heard, they hit the road, carrying the conversation that Seo Hae-young filled alone.

Leaning his muffled ear against the car window, Hae-won thought of Anbyeok-ri, which felt like a summer night’s dream. Gi-tae, who had spent a long time with him, naturally followed. He wanted to say goodbye before leaving the place completely, but just imagining the process of getting permission made him exhausted and naturally lethargic.

After the day he made a mess of the hospital room, for some reason, Seo Hae-young had easily given him his phone, and under his surveillance, he had spoken with Gi-tae a few times. Even those were shallow calls that stopped at the level of “Are you well?” “I’m well,” “Did you eat?” “I ate,” but he could find a faint sense of relief in the voice he had to press his ear close to hear because the sound quality was poor. Within the five-minute time limit, he had cautiously continued speaking while glancing at the eyes staring at him, and then quickly returned the phone as if he had no regrets.

Seo Hae-young, whom he expected to sneer and ask if he was doing as told, only stroked the back of his neck as if thinking about something while looking at the phone screen. It was a strange reaction. He still tied both of Hae-won’s wrists to the bed when he showered or left the room, but it was certain that one part of him had changed. Even so, there was no reason to relax, and everything was suspicious.

Leaning his head against the window that felt cold, he looked at the signs flashing by. Hae-won’s eyes suddenly furrowed as he mechanically read the unfamiliar place names. The direction to Seoul was the opposite.

The car, passing the road that led to the highway, headed toward a narrow path. He checked the navigation belatedly, but the blue line was pointing to the correct path. Was there another way? Hae-won glanced at Seo Hae-young with distrustful eyes and leaned back into the seat. However, after about twenty minutes had passed, he had no choice but to sit up straight and look around.

“Uh… where are we going?”

“Going home, where else?”

Seo Hae-young let out a laugh, replying lightly as if he were being asked something absurd. Hiding his suspicion and clutching the belt, Hae-won stole a glance at the wide-open sea road. Since leaving the city, there were no cars coming or going, and only he and Seo Hae-young were on the two-lane road. No matter how he looked at it, they were entering a more remote area. Since he couldn’t ask him to stop the car, he rolled down the window with a stifled heart.

Even though it was rolled down less than a hand’s span, a fierce autumn wind rushed through the gap. The salty sea breeze carried a nostalgic scent. He vividly remembered a month ago, when he sat on the porch, recalling happy moments while feeling as if he were committing a sin. The strange emotion that naturally bloomed turned into uncontrollable panic as the familiar entrance of the village appeared right before his eyes.

Seo Hae-young stopped the car on the shoulder where Hwang’s truck was parked and pulled out the car key. The navigation, announcing the arrival at the destination, automatically turned off. As Seo Hae-young was about to get out, putting the key in his outer pocket, Hae-won grabbed his arm and spoke in the loudest voice he had used recently.

“Why… why did you come here?”

Seo Hae-young looked back and twisted his wrist to shake off the hand. Then, he tightly gripped the back of Hae-won’s hand, which had lost its target, before letting go.

“Because you seemed to like it, and for a rest.”

Humming a sound that was completely incomprehensible, Seo Hae-young hopped out of the driver’s seat and walked around to the front of the car. Hae-won, whose brain wasn’t working until the passenger door was opened and his seatbelt was undone, was led out of the car by Seo Hae-young, who boldly took his hand.

He’s just stopping by for a bit, right? Surely he won’t do anything strange? As he was pulled down the alley with his hand held, numerous question marks appeared and vanished.

* * *

The winding alley looked like a path leading up to the brightly cleared sky. Unlike the days when a thick fog descended, damp enough to soak the hem of one’s clothes, a pleasant autumn breeze tickled his cheeks. The impression given by the back of Seo Hae-young, who walked ahead through the green weeds blooming between cracked cement and faded murals, was different from the daytime. The sight of his back, as if expecting something, was a bit frightening and a bit eerie because he couldn’t predict what was ahead. What is he planning to do now that he’s so excited…

“Oh, you’re here!”

When they were about halfway up the slope for unknown reasons, a welcoming voice was heard. As Hae-won’s head, which had been wobbling every time Seo Hae-young pulled him, snapped around, Hwang, wearing a frayed green hat, poked his head over a low gate. Hae-won, who reflexively bowed his waist, couldn’t express his happiness in words but replaced it with a bashful expression. Noticing Seo Hae-young giving a nod of greeting beside him, Hwang said, “Ah, that…” acknowledging him, and ran over in one breath, opening the rusty gate.

“I was planning to come see you, but I’ve been so busy with work… Are you feeling okay?”

Hwang observed Hae-won’s pale face closely and then squeezed his forearm, which seemed to have gained a bit of flesh. Saying, “I guess you’ve been eating well,” he meticulously felt up to his side and then rubbed his forehead, which was covered by the hat. His wrinkles furrowed deeply as if recalling a faint memory.

“Ah, right. I heard from Gi-tae, what was it, the name…”

“It’s Hae-won. Yoon Hae-won…”

“Right, that’s it. Hae-won. I’ve been forgetful lately.”

His head naturally bowed in embarrassment. What was so precious about his name that he had hidden it all this time? He felt reaffirmed that there was no way to hide a mere name from a guy who could find it out like a ghost.

“Your name is pretty, why didn’t you say it all this time? And, the Hyung?”

Hae-won, who had momentarily forgotten the presence of his companion while immersed in gloomy emotions, shrugged his shoulders. Before his gaze could turn back, a warm body temperature touched his protruding shoulder blade. Seo Hae-young, who peeked his face over the shoulder while stroking Hae-won’s wrist, wore a smile that looked perfectly gentle on the surface.

“I’m Hae-young.”

It was an introduction that playfully mimicked Hae-won’s words. His heart began to beat louder and louder. Hwang’s expression as he asked if the hand was okay was benevolent. Since he knew nothing of the circumstances, that was possible. However, the image of the General manager, which remained as a trauma, transferred the anxiety about things that hadn’t happened yet. Instead of Hwang’s voice talking to Seo Hae-young right in front of him, the sound of his heartbeat filled his eardrums.

Since it had been an eternity since Seo Hae-young had shown such a common-sense behavior as introducing him for the last time, the imagination based on previous experiences plummeted instantly to a grotesque place. Just as he wondered why they were talking for so long, a calm voice pierced through his blocked ears.

“Is that the house?”

“Yeah. I’ve cleaned everything up, so you just need to move the luggage.”

His head snapped back and forth. Watching the two of them talking affectionately as if they were well-acquainted, it felt as if he had fallen into a place completely different from the one he knew. He had only missed a moment of the conversation, but he couldn’t understand the situation at all.

“If there was a reason, you should have told me. No wonder someone was searching for you. Phew, I should have said something. I thought they were some strange person and just chased them away…”

“…What?”

“It’s an empty house anyway, so just get some rest before you go. There are times when you just need to rest. Besides, this house is the cleanest. The previous owner just bolted, so all the stuff is still here. As for the fund or whatever, you didn’t really need to pay it like that, but anyway, Mr. Kim is just like that. We’ve never had an outsider move in before… You understand, right? I’ll send over some dinner later. Don’t go hungry.”

Hwang poured out words of concern while patting his shoulder, wearing an expression as if looking at something pitiful, but Hae-won couldn’t understand a single thing he was saying and thus failed to react appropriately. Whenever he tried to ask back, Hwang shot his words out in a rapid-fire stream, leaving no gap to interject. While Hae-won could do nothing but wait with his lips twitching, Hwang finished the conversation on his own and turned toward the downhill path. His blackened, tanned hand waved vaguely, as if he had other places to stop by.

“I’ll be at the community center, so call me if you need anything. Also, that platform collapsed, so I’ll have to fix it… If the water or electricity doesn’t work, let me know!”

Hwang abruptly turned his back on the stammering Hae-won and walked briskly down the slope. He gave him no chance to stop him. Left standing alone in the alley that had instantly fallen silent, Hae-won used his remaining hand to grab the arm of Seo Hae-young, who was strolling away. Because the whirlwind conversation had been clumsily pieced together in his head, leading to an absurd conclusion, he needed a plausible explanation.

“Wh-why did you come here? How do you… how do you know the ahjussi…?”

Hae-won asked persistently, almost annoyingly, as he followed him up the alley. The questions were disjointed and rambling, but Seo Hae-young, satisfied to see him asking so tenaciously for the first time in a while, gave a shocking response only after a long pause.

“I told you. He seemed to like it, so I thought I’d stay for a bit.”

“…Huh?”

“I have the number… I smoothed things over. Oh, I apologized for what happened back then, so don’t worry about it.”

Hae-won’s mouth fell open. This was news he had never heard, not even in passing, from Gi-tae, whom he spoke with occasionally, and it took him quite by surprise. He stopped dead in his tracks, but Seo Hae-young, with an expression as if suppressing a laugh, opened the gate of the house right in front of them.

“I asked them to find the house most similar to it. Do you like it?”

“Here… you’re saying you’ll be here…?”

“I plan to. Until you stop being angry.”

Dazed, Hae-won stepped backward, then followed Seo Hae-young as he pulled him into the yard. Just as he said, it was similar to Gi-tae’s house. It was a modest home, neither a traditional hanok nor a brick house, with a reasonably sized yard. The long eaves, made by adding slate under clumsy tiles, and the narrow wooden porch were the same sights he had seen at Gi-tae’s house.

Having lived in this neighborhood for about a year, the exterior was nothing special, but compared to Seo Hae-young’s home, it was utterly shabby. Even if it had been tidied up, it was by no means the kind of environment Seo Hae-young preferred. Furthermore, without even asking, Hae-won could tell that a mountain of work had piled up due to the sudden hospitalization.

Torn between lamenting how absurd this was or asking if he had lost his mind, Hae-won eventually let out a question that wandered through his hazy consciousness.

“What… did you tell them?”

“I said I was your Hyung.”

It was an absurd answer and a blatant lie. A hollow laugh escaped Hae-won. The only thing they had in common was a single name. There was no way Seo Hae-young or Hwang didn’t know he had just made up a story because he couldn’t find any other word to describe their relationship. He became genuinely curious about what kind of story he had told to make them believe such a preposterous claim.

As Hae-won stood there silently, unable to find words, Seo Hae-young finally burst into laughter. He instantly breached the safe distance and cupped Hae-won’s cheeks with both hands.

“You don’t like it? Should we go back down?”

Seo Hae-young was not in his right mind. Hae-won stared blankly at the man who had suddenly orchestrated an unimaginable situation and was now waiting, clearly wanting to be praised. Behind the whispering Seo Hae-young, the sky meeting the sea was turning a mysterious shade of purple. The color, a tangle of red and blue, was enough to cloud one’s judgment for a moment.

The basement. A space that couldn’t be called a home flashed through his mind, and then the open sea covered his vision. His head, fixed without pain, shook slightly from side to side. Seo Hae-young, capturing every detail down to the twitching of his eyelashes, curled the corners of his pretty lips upward as if he had expected this.

“You don’t want to leave. So you have to let me stay.”

A ticklish kiss landed on the plump lips pressed by the palm. After pulling away with a soft popping sound, Seo Hae-young smiled brightly without a trace of a shadow, and the vast sea viewed from the high ground and the mysterious colors that made him shake his head stole his breath away.

He simply couldn’t understand. He didn’t know what the man was thinking or through what eyes he was looking at him. Nothing made sense, and even when he tried to understand, he couldn’t reach a conclusion. One moment it felt like a terrible affection, and the next, like he was just a toy to be carefully played with and then discarded. He was beautiful yet hideous, lovely yet hateful. He was unpredictable and inexplicable. A sense of helpless powerlessness washed over him.

Stumbling back, Hae-won sank down onto the edge of the low porch. He let his arms hang limp and leaned his head against a pillar where the wood grain had peeled away in places. Looking down, he saw the slippers Gi-tae had given him—large, worn-out slippers with about two knuckles of space left. In the shopping bags that contained several sets of autumn clothes, there were no shoes. For some reason, among the numerous gifts Seo Hae-young gave him, there were never any shoes to wear and leave. Amidst all the uncertainties, the path Seo Hae-young had chosen was certain, even if its shape was crooked.

* * *

Stroking the hair of Hae-won, who was staring at the indigo-painted sky while embracing his jumbled emotions, Seo Hae-young took off his shoes and stepped onto the porch. He saw boxes stacked neatly at the corner of the porch leading to the kitchen. He checked the contents of the boxes, monitoring occasionally to make sure Hae-won didn’t run away. It had been a week since he contacted his family home to send only the essentials, and it seemed the person in charge of management had taken quite a bit of care.

The vaguely formed plan had been completely derailed, but he wondered why it mattered. Perhaps because it was a rural area where few people came and went, or perhaps because of Hae-won, it was a decent sanctuary where he wouldn’t even need to bother with a contract.

Seo Hae-young first checked the plumbing and electricity of the house, which looked like it could collapse tomorrow without it being strange. The water flowed well, but the small bulb illuminating the porch flickered brightly and then shuddered out. Crossing the porch once more, Seo Hae-young stroked the round back of Hae-won’s head and went into the small room to bring out a new bulb. After unwrapping it with his awkward hand, he habitually fiddled with the head that fit perfectly in his palm before stretching his arm out. He removed the high-hanging bulb and fitted the new one in.

Luckily, the sun was just setting. In this seaside village, where there was less light than in the city, it grew pitch black even though it was too early to be called night; it seemed that in a couple of hours, nothing would be visible. Looking at the back that seemed even smaller as darkness descended, he flipped the switch on the wall, and a yellowish light brightly illuminated the center of the front yard.

Having driven away the darkness by casting a yellow glow on the lean back, Seo Hae-young smiled with his eyes crinkled in pride and stepped away. Not daring to touch with his dust-covered, dirty hands, he nudged Hae-won’s forearm with his shin, and the head that had been hanging low slowly lifted.

“I did well, right?”

Hae-won, who had been sunk in gloom under the pretext of organizing his complex thoughts, glared at Seo Hae-young as he leaned over with a questioning “Hmm?” Though his eyes were dry, they were a gaze moist with tears that seemed to shimmer, as if the moisture had become a permanent pattern. Suppressing the corners of his mouth that wanted to curl up, Seo Hae-young meticulously wiped the dust from his fingers with a wet wipe found in a box, tilting his head as if inviting Hae-won to say whatever was on his mind. Taking a deep breath and letting it out, Hae-won let out a trembling voice, as if vomiting the lump that had been suffocating his throat.

“Why… why are you my Hyung?”

He had intended to demand how he had said it and by what means he had rented the house, but the sentence that came out was crudely truncated and even more pathetic than expected. Watching Seo Hae-young burst into loud laughter while still wiping his hands, Hae-won felt acutely that he had made a proper slip of the tongue. Having lost the ability to make the sentence smooth even by adding more words, Hae-won glared resentfully at the laughing Seo Hae-young with a face that looked as if he were on the verge of tears.

Still letting out bursts of laughter that wouldn’t subside, Seo Hae-young sat down on the porch, laughed heartily while leaning his upper body forward, and then flopped down, using Hae-won’s stiff thigh as a pillow. If only it had stopped there, but he reached out with his clean hands to wrap around Hae-won’s waist and buried his face deep in his lower abdomen.

“Because my birthday is earlier. Why, do you want to be the Hyung?”

Feeling the weight of a person who was heavier than any other on his thigh, Hae-won did not meet the eyes of Seo Hae-young, who was looking up at him, but instead stared into the darkness where the sound of waves could be heard. What was so funny and full of laughter? Even though he had cut the words so much, Seo Hae-young saw right through what question it contained, and yet he insisted on playing around. It was disgustingly typical of Seo Hae-young.

Watching the stiffened Hae-won with a dissatisfied expression, Seo Hae-young suddenly reached out. He grabbed both cheeks and pulled them down, and finally, their gazes locked.

“If you don’t like it, should I go now and tell them we’re dating? That I’m begging for forgiveness because I did something terribly wrong…?”

The flickering light of the bulb pooled in his black pupils. They were eyes that had never once feared the gaze of others. He was a different kind of human from birth. Certain that Seo Hae-young would go to Hwang and say exactly that if told to, Hae-won bit his lip hard. “Stop it,” he whispered, and the thumb that slid down his cheek pulled his chin down, returning the lip crushed between his teeth to its place. Seo Hae-young fiddled with the lip that was quickly beginning to flush red and admonished him playfully.

“I’m joking.”

Hae-won grabbed and pulled down the hand where the hard bones and joints were clearly felt. He had gripped it to prevent him from touching here and there, but his hand, which had lacked strength since last year, trembled just from the act of gripping firmly. Having forgotten how to be angry properly since he was very young, the unreleased resentment spread to the top of his head, and he rubbed his burning eyes irritably before speaking.

“Why do you… do everything your way. Without asking, just everything…”

He didn’t want to go back to that house. Nor did he want to remain here, the place he had used as a refuge, alone with Seo Hae-young to continue a sluggish fight. His emotions, tangled so that he couldn’t tell where the beginning was or where the end lay, voiced a useless complaint, knowing that even if he heard an answer, it wouldn’t matter.

Leaving his captured hand alone, Seo Hae-young grabbed the wrist of the arm Hae-won was using to rub his eyes—the hand Hae-won hated most. His grip was not as strong as before. As the arm was lowered, warm lips touched the back of the hand marked with many scars. Then followed a voice devoid of laughter.

“I wanted to see you be surprised. I thought you’d like it… No?”

The lips that had uttered the ticklish words pulled away, posing a question that sounded, on the surface, affectionate. It was a question that reminded him of the times Seo Hae-young would give him gifts for no particular reason or suddenly visit the shop where he worked; he had missed that false kindness so much that unwanted tears welled up.

Hae-won’s eyes, brimming with tears, wandered aimlessly before he turned his head away from Seo Hae-young, who had sat up to look at him. As he leaned his forehead against the cold pillar and steadied his breath, he felt warmth covering his back. Resting his cheek between Hae-won’s shoulder blades, Seo Hae-young whispered detestably, pretending to be at his most vulnerable.

“Let’s go see the sea tomorrow. And the day after, and every single day.”

The answer to the question he had pondered in the hospital suddenly arrived. No matter how many times he thought about it and chewed over it, the answer remained the same.

Even if he had known everything… he probably would have come to love him. Even knowing everything, it would have ended up like this. He had been lonely, he had needed someone, and Seo Hae-young, who appeared miraculously and was so perfect it felt like destiny, had arrived.

Pathetic bastard. Horrible, weak bastard.

The impression he had of Seo Hae-young bounced back onto himself. A hollow laugh that made his chest cave in burst out momentarily. Crazy bastard.

It didn’t matter how much time passed; he was drenched in confusion and self-loathing, smelling of disgust. He wanted to let the absurd stories, filled only with playing and resting, go in one ear and out the other, but because one side was blocked, they seeped into his eardrum and wouldn’t leave. By the time the same words were repeated like brainwashing, the undeniable evening arrived. A dark silhouette, like a clump of darkness, swayed from side to side beyond the gate.

“Are they inside?”

It wasn’t the voice of Hwang or Gi-tae. There was a movement of someone looking inside and then opening the gate to enter. He hadn’t told them to come in, but in this place, it wasn’t considered rude. Sensing the presence keenly, Hae-won lightly pushed away Seo Hae-young, who didn’t budge. It was a contact that wouldn’t look very good to others. He stood up hesitantly, but the figure gradually revealed under the light spreading from the ceiling lamp on the porch was not a welcome person.

Recognizing the visitor with a thick, folded chin and coarse, prickly beard, Hae-won pulled on his slippers. Mr. Kim, whom he had avoided because every meeting usually ended in being scolded, entered while scanning him from head to toe with a displeased look. Behind him, a couple of villagers followed, chatting quietly among themselves.

Hae-won, unable to do anything but bow his head deeply in greeting, scratched the tips of his innocent fingers, wondering what they had come all this way to say. The elders who responded with a casual “Uh-huh” were not the type to be particularly friendly.

He stood pressed against the pillar to avoid the elderly people who were peeking into the house, saying, “I heard they cleared it all out, it’s clean now; why is there so little luggage?” Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, the elderly had no interest in him. Mr. Kim’s gaze passed the shabby house and returned to Seo Hae-young, who was slipping his feet into the shoes he had taken off.

“You’re the one, what was it, who called once before…?”

“Yes. About a week ago.”

The broad back moving forward absorbed the light, shielding Mr. Kim’s view. Just by avoiding that displeased gaze, his tension eased slightly. After that, Mr. Kim ignored Hae-won as if he didn’t exist and spoke only with Seo Hae-young. Seo Hae-young didn’t agree enthusiastically or respond skillfully, but listened quietly, adding small interjections.

“Right… Since it’s all being used where it’s needed, eh? No rent for the house, it’s good for everyone.”

The words Mr. Kim offered as advice were quite authoritarian and stubborn, to the point where his nasty temperament could be felt just by listening from a distance. Seo Hae-young, who was listening to the one-sided conversation, seemed to think similarly, as his habit of fiddling with the back of his white neck appeared whenever he had nothing to say or was bored.

“The old folks are all asleep, so greet them in the morning. If you’ve come to a place like this, you should make your rounds. You’re young, so if they ask for help, help them. Got it?”

There was a noticeable difference in how Mr. Kim spoke to Seo Hae-young compared to how he treated him. Unlike the past, when he would shout with curses, calling him an outsider from who-knows-where or a useless brat, his tone was now completely softened. He even handed over a plastic bag full of things, saying, “Here, some things from the pub down there and a few persimmons.”

“Ah… I’ll enjoy them.”

The heavy, sagging bag passed into Seo Hae-young’s hand. The way the much shorter Mr. Kim gave him a light pat on the arm couldn’t be called friendly, but compared to when they had passed each other before, the hostility was markedly less. It was a strange feeling. He knew people played favorites with their territoriality, but witnessing it right in front of him, he couldn’t hide his bitterness.

Hae-won kept his head low, eyes cast down and breath shallow, fearing he might be picked on while the elderly lingered near the house. Whether his internal chanting of go away, go away worked or not, the uninvited guests finally reached the time to leave.

“Come on! Stop looking.”

“Yeah. Come by and say hello during the day.”

As the elderly people filed out, three or four more bags were hung on Seo Hae-young’s right hand. The lifelong locals, who had dropped by abruptly in the middle of the night, strolled out the front gate leisurely, glancing around the yard as if it were their own living room. Hae-won, who had bent his waist and straightened up, happened to lock eyes with Mr. Kim, the last one to leave. A look of disapproval flickered across the man’s face, and the loud sound of a clicking tongue echoed. Hae-won’s shoulders hunched further.

“Haa…”

By the time their shadows had vanished, his legs gave out and he collapsed onto the wooden porch; the black plastic bags rustled as they fell beside him. He felt fingers reach deep into his scalp, slowly stroking down through his hair.

“Should we just push them? It’s the ocean right in front.”

When Hae-won lifted his chin, he saw Seo Hae-young with a mischievous expression, nodding his head toward the alley. It wasn’t a particularly pleasant joke. Instead of scolding him, Hae-won rubbed his knee—where an ugly scar remained from falling and scraping it dozens of times—and brought up the thought that had been bothering him for a while.

“Did you… pay?”

“The fund?”

“…Something like that.”

From what Hwang had said and Mr. Kim’s gentle attitude, the only thing he could infer was something about a village fund. Unaware that such a custom existed, Hae-won dragged the soles of his slippers across the floor, his dry lips twitching.

“How much?”

“What do you care?”

The hand that had been playing with his hair gave his forehead a light flick. As soon as he righted his head from the recoil, his cheek was sharply pinched. Seo Hae-young gripped the cheek—which was hard to catch because there wasn’t much flesh—between two fingers and shook it back and forth. A pained groan escaped him, and it hurt enough for tears to well up. This was one habit of his that never seemed to improve.

“You don’t need to know.”

Giggling as he pinched and pulled the cheek as much as he could, Seo Hae-young refused to give the answer he wanted and gathered the sagging black bags together. Seeing how he changed the subject, it was clear he had no intention of answering. The sight of him peering into the bags and thinking about dinner felt incredibly unsettling, so Hae-won rubbed his aching cheek against his shoulder and hesitantly stood up. Soon, with an unreadable expression, Seo Hae-young grabbed his hand firmly and led him toward the kitchen.

* * *

In the kitchen, which lacked even a proper countertop, Hae-won had no choice but to sit quietly on a plastic chair and watch Seo Hae-young’s actions as if watching a fire across a river. Since he wasn’t allowed to touch anything, nor was he permitted to leave his sight, his task for the day was to stare at the back of the man, which made the already narrow kitchen feel even smaller. With nothing else to do, he leaned his head against the cement wall, where the brushstrokes remained rough, and blinked.

It felt exactly like playing house. It seemed almost ridiculous—the way they were forcibly creating a grace period, desperately ignoring the fact that there was a clear place to return to, in a scheme to cover up a horribly broken time.

And he, who was playing along with this nonsense, felt even more pathetic and foolish. Seo Hae-young, who prepared dinner according to his whims without ever tasting the food, played the role of the kind and friendly companion perfectly; Hae-won was the only one feeling the dissonance.

Even as he told himself that they could never recover the relationship they once had and that he must clearly remember what that man had done, his weak heart kept wavering. In Anbyeok-ri, both he and Seo Hae-young were outsiders. If they left this village, where only the elderly who had never left remained to maintain their modest households, and went back to Seoul, they would never encounter these people again.

If that were the case… if there was a place to return to and a set expiration date, wouldn’t it be okay for just a very short while? If he believed, as he once had, that everyone tends to become strange in a travel destination… it was an opportunity to momentarily set down a burdensome past and experience, even just a little, the things he had so desperately longed for. Once the allotted time ended, it would all vanish like bubbles and be replaced by even greater agony, but he wanted to stop thinking so complicatedly and just play the fool. Standing at the end of a crooked path, Hae-won was inwardly envious of Seo Hae-young, who had taken such a firm course.

“Yoon Hae-won.”

The finger that had snapped loudly near his nostril was withdrawn. His dizzy focus, which had been wandering through conflict, slowly aligned on Seo Hae-young.

“I’m done.”

As he grinned, neat teeth were revealed behind lips curved into an arc. Hae-won scrambled up from the chair as if waking from a light sleep. Following Seo Hae-young, who was heading toward the porch with a steaming bowl, he clenched his teeth so hard his molars locked. He still… didn’t know. What he wanted.

For dinner that evening, there was grilled fish burnt thoroughly on both sides, undercooked rice, incredibly salty soybean paste stew, and some side dishes served as-is, which were the only normal things on the table. They ate dinner across a small tray sufficient for two people. For the first time since he had known him, Hae-won put a piece of fish into his mouth that Seo Hae-young had personally filleted. Fearing it might be full of bones, he rolled it carefully on his tongue, but the white flesh was fluffy without a single sharp edge. The fish pieces, piled high in a bowl where the grains of rice fell individually without clumping, collapsed to the side. More were piled on top, and on top of that… collapsing, and collapsing…

In front of Seo Hae-young, who watched him with his chin resting on his hand, Hae-won didn’t lift his head once and forced himself to empty the bowl. Feeling as though that indifferent yet unwavering gaze was urging him to decide his path as soon as possible, he stood up and grabbed the empty bowl in a hurry. He snatched up Seo Hae-young’s bowl as well, who had just finished eating, and limped toward the kitchen, hearing a hollow laugh follow him. As he stepped down from the porch and tried to step back up because he had no shoes, a single slipper dropped onto the floor. Braving the embarrassment, he gave a slight nod, and the sound of laughter rang out.

“Why are you in such a hurry?”

“I-I’ll do it.”

“I’m good at doing dishes…”

Shaking his head, Hae-won hurried into the kitchen, pushed the dishes into the sink stained with indelible water marks, and immediately turned on the water. He wet his hands in the pouring stream and began washing the dishes clumsily. The long cracks on his palms had healed, but the habit left by Seo Hae-young—who had not let water touch them directly—made his movements awkward. He hoped to be left alone at least while doing the dishes, but Seo Hae-young completely betrayed that expectation by wrapping his arms around his waist. Because he pressed his body flush against him, resting his chin on Hae-won’s shoulder, the dish slipped from his soapy, slippery hand.

“Oh, it fell.”

Lips close to his ear brushed against his earlobe. Goosebumps broke out all over, and he shivered, quickly picking up the fallen dish. It was still slippery.

“Want me to do it?”

Shaking his head from side to side, his neck tense, he silently finished washing the dishes. It was nerve-wrackingly difficult to ignore the mass of flesh touching his buttocks or the heartbeat transmitting through his back, but with hands that trembled at the fingertips, he rinsed the last water glass clean. There was something suspicious about the trembling for it to be purely based on fear; he quickly washed the soap off his hands and escaped from Seo Hae-young, who was clinging to him in a strange posture. As he fled the kitchen, the sound of giggling followed closely behind, as if the prank had worked perfectly.

After clearing the table, Hae-won washed up in the makeshift bathroom and came out to sit crouched on the porch, biting his short-clipped nails. The knit covering his upper body smelled of Seo Hae-young. And the same scent wafted from the small main room where the bedding was being laid out. It was a day so peaceful it felt ominous. How great a misfortune must follow for it to be this quiet?

Just as his thoughts were deepening, the loud sound of someone banging on the iron gate echoed. Lifting his lowered head and stepping off the porch, he saw a silhouette already entering the yard. Seeing the figure of a man who was unusually tall for this neighborhood, his legs shot forward before he even had the chance to notify Seo Hae-young. Hurrying across the yard, Hae-won bowed deeply to Gi-tae, whom he was meeting after a long time, just as he did with the village elders.

Perhaps having come straight from work, Gi-tae, wearing an old shirt stained with dark grime, thrust something forward without any formal greeting, as if asking why he was being so formal. A square box wrapped in a fluorescent cloth passed into Hae-won’s dry hands.

“I heard you were here. It’s side dishes, so put them in the fridge right away.”

Offering a small word of thanks for the sudden gift, Hae-won hesitated, unable to ask, ‘Why didn’t you tell me you knew?’ It was obvious that Gi-tae assumed they had already discussed it, so he felt sorry to even ask. As he followed Gi-tae toward the gate as if seeing him off, acting timidly, Gi-tae, holding the gate, looked back.

“Is he your Hyung?”

“Ah, that is…”

He suddenly remembered telling Gi-tae they were friends when asked about their relationship. In truth, it was a relationship that seemed strange no matter how it was explained. Especially considering the state of Gi-tae’s house that day. As he mumbled, unable to give a clear answer, Gi-tae opened the gate, which creaked even in a light breeze, and left a final word as he blended into the darkness.

“Want to come over.”

The end dropped off so abruptly that at first, Hae-won didn’t realize it was a question. Only after Gi-tae lingered at the gate and glanced back did Hae-won realize the meaning and wave his hand in an awkward gesture.

“Ah, no. I’m okay. I’ll enjoy these. Thank you…”

His palms felt ticklish as he gripped the wrapping cloth. The chilly night wind scratched his bare instep, but he wasn’t cold.

“Come by if something happens. I’m home in the evenings.”

Without asking a second time, Gi-tae turned away and closed the gate. Hae-won called out a farewell, telling him to get home safely, to Gi-tae’s back as he exited the alley where streetlights were sparsely lit. Gi-tae didn’t wave back or respond. He was consistent, one way or another. While it wasn’t greatly comforting, it didn’t feel particularly disappointing either.

Gathering the side dishes wrapped in the cloth, Hae-won returned to the porch where light was spilling out without delay. His chest heaved more than usual because he had hurried back. Catching his breath, he peeked into the main room and saw Seo Hae-young turned away, holding a pillow against his side. He looked as if he were contemplating which direction to place the pillow. Thinking that he might not have heard Gi-tae arrive, Hae-won hesitantly reached out and tapped the wooden doorframe.

Glancing back and tossing the pillow he was holding anywhere, Seo Hae-young ducked his head and stepped out from the low doorframe. Looking up from below the porch, his physique seemed even more intimidating. Swallowing hard, Hae-won took a step back and gestured toward the kitchen.

“I’m going to the kitchen for a bit…”

“Did someone come?”

“Yeah… they gave me side dishes.”

“Who?”

Brushing back his damp hair, Seo Hae-young asked, shaking his collar back and forth. His cheeks were reddish, making him look hot. Unable to tell him to lower the boiler a bit, Hae-won dropped his gaze and slowly spoke, fiddling with the knot of the wrapping cloth. It was pathetic that he had to ask permission even to go to the kitchen, but he couldn’t help the habit that had clung to him like a leech.

“A man from the neighborhood. He’s been kind…”

It wasn’t a complete lie. Seo Hae-young, who had been looking down at him without a word, let out a light laugh and took the lopsided load. At a nod toward the main room telling him to stay inside, Hae-won took off his slippers and stepped up. Instead of entering the room immediately, he watched to make sure Seo Hae-young actually went to the kitchen, and after confirming the back of the head heading in the right direction, he stepped into the room where the pillow had fallen haphazardly.

The main room of this house was not much different from Gi-tae’s. An old TV sat atop a low mother-of-pearl chest, and the drawers were empty. The mother-of-pearl wardrobe lining one wall felt tacky and looked somewhat frightening. When he opened the wardrobe door, which creaked every time it moved, he saw a few pieces of clothing and a box that had been meticulously aligned in a short amount of time. They were quite thick clothes. He wondered how long he intended to stay to have brought such clothes.

Closing the wardrobe door, Hae-won failed to notice the quiet approach of a presence and stroked the bumpy surface of the mother-of-pearl chest. While he was touching the patterns that sparkled like fish scales, the light in the room suddenly clicked off, and his waist was snatched without warning.

Before he could even let out a scream, Hae-won was flopped onto the bedding, embraced by Seo Hae-young, who pinned his limbs, and rolled across the blankets. He didn’t get hurt because he fell onto thick blankets layered twice, but his startled heart pounded violently. Without even a moment to think of him as another person, the familiar touch of Seo Hae-young enveloped his entire body.

“Reminds me of the old days, right? Whenever I went to your house, I always slept on the floor.”

A damp hand slid inside the knit, leisurely stroking his lower abdomen, which had stiffened with tension. This was something Seo Hae-young had never done in the “old days” he was referring to.

“It was nice…”

The palm, which held a chill enough to make him flinch, grew warm as it absorbed his heat. The palm circled around his navel, neither descending nor ascending, lingering in an ambiguous spot. His relief was short-lived. Terrified by the act of the fingers standing up to tickle him, he tried to push his hips back, only to feel a heavy groin pressed explicitly against him. His legs were entangled, so he couldn’t escape. It was a predicament in many ways.

Though he hadn’t been touched except for that one time at the hospital, he couldn’t guarantee that things would be the same here. The memory of a year ago, dominated by sex accompanied by ruthless violence or pinning his limbs so he couldn’t even struggle, triggered a chilling fear. As he felt the index finger sliding in a circle around his navel, the thought that he had to escape this situation somehow dominated his mind. What should he do? After hesitating, Hae-won opened his lips, which had been repeatedly touching and parting, and softly let out the question he had been swallowing inside.

“…What about school?”

He didn’t expect a proper answer, but he was genuinely curious. The hospitalization period had been considerable. Recalling that Seo Hae-young often stayed up all night during the semester, there was no way he had time to be idling around here.

When he carefully lowered his hand and gently grasped the back of the hand resting on his stomach, the body lying on its side whipped around. Suddenly facing Seo Hae-young, Hae-won’s eyes widened.

“You’re curious only now?”

He had a look of pure excitement. If Hae-won had said he just asked out of curiosity, it seemed he would be just as disappointed as he was excited. Left with no choice, Hae-won nodded when the other asked, “You’re curious?” again. Wondering what was so pleasing, Seo Hae-young, who giggled while rubbing his cheek against the wrinkled blanket, brought his face close as if delivering a secret that must not leak. With nowhere to retreat, Hae-won couldn’t even blink and anxiously stared into the black pupils that had drawn near. At a distance where their noses and lips almost brushed, Seo Hae-young opened his mouth with an utterly serious face and whispered low and calmly.

“I told them I was sick. Since I’m a bit frail… everyone understood.”

“…Huh?”

“I said I’m sick. I’m sick.”

His parted lips wouldn’t close. He was so appalled he couldn’t even respond. Following the absurd claim, Seo Hae-young even let out a cough that was clearly forced, then wore a playful smile. Hae-won, who had a blank expression, suddenly had his lower lip bitten as Seo Hae-young twisted his head and leaned in. As the lip, deeply marked by teeth, began to sting, his senses returned.

“Nurse me a bit. I’ll do everything else for you.”

He was playing around again. Unable to smooth the furrow in his brow, Hae-won sluggishly turned over. As he wiped his lip with the back of his hand, his waist was immediately pulled in. Seo Hae-young, whose legs were loosely entwined with his, buried his face in the nape of Hae-won’s neck and murmured a hazy story in a voice laced with laughter.

“You’ll be comfortable with me. You won’t need to step forward, and there won’t be any hard work…”

Even though no answer came, Seo Hae-young listed the benefits of being with him. That their hobbies matched, that he would play with him if he wanted to, that he would help him study, or that he didn’t have to do anything at all—these things were strangely restrictive. It was confusing whether it was a persuasion or a threat, and in the vague story, there wasn’t a single other character. It was infantile and persistent.

“Just don’t lie. Just don’t betray me, and that’s it.”

Following the warning that trailed off slowly with sleepiness, silence fell. Everything came only as sound, so even though he could see, he felt as if his eyes were covered.

Because the boiler temperature hadn’t been lowered, the floor was as hot as asphalt on a midsummer afternoon. The sound of crickets, which he had momentarily forgotten, seeped into the warm main room where there was no need for a blanket. It was a sound that had never been heard so vividly at Seo Hae-young’s house or the hospital.

Before long, Hae-won, cradled in the arms of Seo Hae-young, who was breathing steadily, inhaled the breath he had been holding and slowly lowered his eyelids. In the darkness of his vision, vivid, primal scenes flashed by.

Sprinkled blood, a decapitated chicken, torrential rain, floating dust, a burnt photograph, a broken leg, a damp semi-basement, a shop warehouse, a swimming pool reflecting light, a bathroom, porridge with pieces of peach, the chill beneath a bed, a scorching summer, and the first time. Seo Hae-young, lying on his back, eating ice cream.

The past days, which had felt agonizingly long as he lived through them, now felt like a distant memory. This natural oblivion was, in a way, despairing. Now, in a place both strange and familiar, with a person both strange and familiar, eventually sharing the same blanket, Hae-won lacked the confidence to remain steadfast. He lacked the confidence to overcome the desire to just give up on everything and be at peace.

Lacking the courage to die once more for the sake of his pride, Hae-won desperately recalled the paper bag left at the edge of the wooden porch. Inside the pocket of the pants, neatly folded and hidden at the bottom, was a card he hadn’t spent a single cent from. Tracing the path to the bus sign near the wharf, he opened his eyes. His hands trembled violently. He was afraid.

He felt that if he stayed here, he would blend in. He felt he would be swept away helplessly. He felt he would want to forget all of the past and live seeing only the good sides. Like a hamster on a wheel, he feared he would be deceived, and deceived again, suffer, and suffer again, until he eventually believed he loved him. He had to run away. As soon as tomorrow came, very far away.

* * *

At first, he tried to fight off the drowsiness. However, because he had unintentionally been living a regular routine, it was difficult to keep his drooping eyelids open. The ticklish breath against his neck and the warmth of the bedding invited a languid sleep. It was an environment where he couldn’t help but nod off. It was a tranquility that made him want to remain complacently.

By the time his lowered eyelids opened, about an hour had passed, and more time flowed by as they closed and opened again. In a room without a clock, he couldn’t guess the exact time, but he could tell morning was coming by the clear light leaking through the opaque window.

Hae-won, who had been clutching Hae-young’s waist tightly until his strength eventually faded, withdrew his arms and lifted his fatigue-laden upper body. Rubbing his forearms, which felt scorched from lying in the same position on the hot floor for hours, he looked around the room and saw Seo Hae-young fast asleep. He looked so docile that Hae-won thought it would be nice if he slept forever. He stared silently at the eyelashes that were long enough to cast shadows under his eyes, then reached out and pulled the edge of the fabric. He wrapped the thick blanket around Seo Hae-young and stood up quietly.

As he opened the door and stepped out, the dawn breeze, which had dropped sharply in temperature, instantly stole away his heated body heat. The fickle weather, alternating between hot one day and cold the next, seemed poised to bring autumn soon. Walking with soft thuds across the porch, Hae-won reached into the paper bag just as he had envisioned the night before and found the pants at the bottom. He slid his hand into the pocket and grabbed a handful of neatly folded bills and the card sandwiched between them. Then, he stepped into the slippers lined up under the porch and crossed the yard without looking back. He had no luggage.

Stepping onto the downhill path shrouded in thick dawn mist, he felt as if he were walking through a dream. A rooster’s crow echoed from afar, piercing the twilight when most of the villagers would still be asleep. He felt as though he had left his complex thoughts behind in the warm room; his mind was blank. Pulling up his sliding sleeves, Hae-won walked and walked toward the bus sign.

At the stop, where a single round sign hung precariously from a long steel pipe, a worn-out bench sat lonely. The first bus was at 9:00. Judging by the lack of smoke from cooking rice, it wasn’t even 7:00 yet. Turning away from the backless bench and sitting on the side facing the sea, the view of the wharf without a breakwater unfolded refreshingly. A few small fishing boats moored at the pier tilted left and right whenever the wind blew.

It was a landscape and scent that had once been unfamiliar, but now it felt more familiar than the last house in the hallway of his apartment complex. When he used to stare at his bankbook worrying about utilities and food expenses, the reality he had drifted into—a place he never could have predicted—felt strangely surreal.

While gazing at the water submerged in mist, he stretched his foot toward the ledge that separated the sea from the land, and the sole of his shoe made a dull contact. The open-toed slippers and exposed toes looked pitiful. His vacant gaze returned to the sea, and delusions bubbled up over the undulating surface.

What would it feel like to fall in? Would it be similar to a swimming pool? He figured it would be much colder. Since he couldn’t swim, he would just gurgle and sink, and then he wouldn’t need to wait for the bus.

After pondering deeply, Hae-won eventually lifted his foot from the ledge, where stone dust was crumbling away. Blinking his reddened eyes and staring blankly at the calm seawater, Hae-won knew very well. His life was strangely tenacious. His will to survive was excessively strong. They say ignorance is bliss—or rather, that the ignorant are brave—but it seemed he wasn’t included in that saying. He was afraid of everything. He was afraid of the cold and the pain, he was afraid of Seo Hae-young, and he was afraid that if he left him like that, he might do something strange.

Before he committed to something he couldn’t handle, he turned back toward the road. While the chilly wind gradually turned lukewarm, the bills he held like a lifeline became crumpled, and the flow of time grew dull. While he glanced tentatively down the deserted alley, not knowing what he was expecting, the first bus approached from the opposite direction of the town center. Even after seeing the bus door open as it stopped crookedly in front of the sign, Hae-won did not stand up.

“Not riding?”

The driver, leaning his upper body over the steering wheel that was nearly the size of his torso, asked. Since only one bus came this way, if he missed this one, he would have to wait another two hours. Despite knowing this, he slowly shook his head. The elderly driver closed the door without telling him to hurry up or saying anything else.

The moment he inhaled the exhaust fumes left by the departing bus he had been waiting for, he realized his mistake. If he ran now, he could still stop the bus. He stood up hesitantly, but unable to make a decision, he let the bus leave completely. Burying his face in his palms, he desperately clawed for excuses to rationalize his foolish behavior.

It wasn’t polite to leave without a word to Gi-tae and Hwang. He had to pay back the value of the food he’d eaten, and he had to say goodbye to the grandmother in the house with the blue gate and the lady at the supermarket. He just had too many things to settle; that was why he couldn’t ride the bus, and it was absolutely not because of Seo Hae-young. Muttering these things to himself, he hit his head and then slapped his thighs hard. He had to disperse the pain that was trying to turn inward. Just as he was carving countless wounds in places hidden by his clothes instead of shedding tears, a booming voice rang out.

“What are you doing here!”

Startled, he snapped his head up to see a drab jumper first, and then he locked eyes with Hwang, who looked surprised, as if wondering why he had come all the way here. As soon as he took his hands off his thighs, Hwang approached, dragging a long broom, and started a conversation by asking if he had slept well while shaking off fallen leaves from the worn-out bristles onto the wharf. His tone was casual, as if he hadn’t seen Hae-won’s state from a moment ago.

“Is the boiler running well? I was going to check on it but decided against it. Ah, what was the name… that Hae, Hae-young? Hae-yeon?”

Hae-won, who stared blankly at Hwang as the man pointed to himself with wrinkled fingers and stumbled over the name, sniffled. It was something that always happened when he was with Seo Hae-young.

“Hae-won… The boiler… was fine.”

“Right. Hae-won. I keep forgetting things as I get older. Gi-tae left early, so you must have missed him. Ah, if you’ve got nothing to do, come over here. I was actually thinking of calling you.”

Swept away by the whirlwind of changing topics, Hae-won couldn’t refuse Hwang, who was already crossing the road and gesturing to him, and lifted his backside which had been glued to the bench for hours. He was so out of breath from following the man’s surprisingly nimble pace that he didn’t even have the mental capacity to ask where they were going. As he climbed the slope, leaning against the alley walls, Hae-won looked back at the bus stop, which was now out of sight.

He had intended to take the first bus today. He planned to go to the town center, find a room to stay in for a day or two… and then head somewhere where Seo Hae-young wasn’t. He had simply been caught in the middle. He swore it wasn’t because he was worried about Seo Hae-young being left alone. …Probably.

* * *

Around the time Hae-won was climbing back up the alley he had been led down by Hwang, Seo Hae-young, who had slept in for the first time in a long while, opened his eyes late. The heat pooled red in his cheeks without any sweat, and feeling irritated, he frowned deeply and felt around his side. When his outstretched fingertips found nothing—not even the bedding or the floor mat—his half-closed eyelids snapped open. Pushing aside the blanket covering him, Seo Hae-young sat up and looked around.

There were two pillows, but one spot was empty. As soon as he realized the absence, the room—which was filled to capacity when two people lay in it—felt suffocatingly unpleasant with its low ceiling and stifling air. The moment he wondered where he had gone, his vision suddenly spun. It spun in a vivid, blood-red blur. Anger, arriving far faster than panic, shut down all other possibilities. That he had gone to the bathroom, or to get water… those thoughts didn’t occur to him.

“…Yoon Hae-won?”

Seo Hae-young sat still and called the name. But the voice that usually tickled the inside of his heart did not answer. So he called several more times. He called as if chewing over the name to calm his anger, and when he could no longer bear it, he kicked off the blanket and stood up.

There was a set procedure for finding Hae-won. He opened every single lacquer chest that could easily last ten years and searched every single place a person could fit. It was a habit Hae-won had left behind, having always squeezed himself into cramped spaces.

Completely forgetting the doctor’s advice not to overdo it and to come for rehabilitation therapy on time, Seo Hae-young tore through the house, using his uncontrollably trembling left hand like a disposable tool. Despite searching under the porch, the kitchen, and the area that served as both a bathroom and a washroom, not a single strand of Hae-won’s hair was visible.

“I won’t get angry. Come out now…”

Seo Hae-young wandered through the silent house, offering coaxing words to a destination unknown. The sight of him muttering to himself and even lifting the dust-covered cauldron was hard to view as sane, even by the most generous standards, but he didn’t notice anything particularly strange. That was because a sense of fading reality was creeping in.

“Ah…”

After scouring every corner, Seo Hae-young put on his shoes with the intention of going outside, but as he tried to stand, he slumped back down onto the porch and rubbed his eyes vigorously. He felt as if the events of just yesterday were escaping to a place he couldn’t grasp. He was bewildered. He couldn’t distinguish where reality ended and where the lies began. He had met Yoon Hae-won, gone to the hospital, and lived with him, but it also felt as if it had all been created in his imagination.

Bewilderment turned into anxiety. He was desperate, as if standing barefoot on a red-hot rock. Faint memories, making him confuse whether this happened yesterday, the day before, or had never happened at all, surged violently again. He was clearly fine, yet every time this happened, he felt as if he were losing his mind.

It was always like this. Whenever Hae-won disappeared for even a moment, he couldn’t tell the difference between reality and illusion.

Pebbles rattled in his ears. It was a sound he heard every time Yoon Hae-won disappeared—an ominous, foul sound that warned him it would explode once the time limit passed. Before he started seeing and hearing strange things, he spat out a curse and stepped out the front gate.

Following the same path Hae-won had taken at dawn, Seo Hae-young’s eyes gradually began to turn red as he peered over the low walls. Not only Hae-won, but no people were in sight. Almost every house was empty. Passing houses with layers of cobwebs, suggesting they hadn’t been inhabited for a long time, Seo Hae-young spotted some elderly men chatting on a wooden platform. It was too early to call it a blessing in disguise.

After pounding on the iron gate with the back of his hand and offering a greeting he didn’t mean, a couple of sharp-eared old men looked his way first. One of the men who had visited his house yesterday was among them. One old man, with eyes buried in sagging skin, waved his hand as if glad to see him.

“You should wake up earlier. Have you eaten?”

Seo Hae-young, who had no time for trivial conversation, answered the question with another question.

“Have you seen Hae-won?”

“Hae… what?”

“My younger brother. About this height… I can’t find him.”

He raised his hand and waved it briefly near the bridge of his nose. He played the part of a brother worried about his sibling’s whereabouts, but inside, he was on the verge of flipping out. He felt the urge to kick the platform where the old men sat, frowning and stalling, and demand they speak quickly. Even a moment’s wait felt agonizing. Just as he hoped he wouldn’t hear “I don’t know that kid” or “What are you talking about,” the old man opened his mouth with an “Ah, that…”

“He probably went there. That place, what is it, the blue gate. Yeah. He went there.”

The old man nodded as if certain. The other two chimed in. Listening to every single word about what the roof of that house looked like, Seo Hae-young rubbed his palms, which had grown so cold he couldn’t feel them, and offered his thanks. The feeling of being crushed into the ground began to improve. It wasn’t a fake. They had definitely been together yesterday.

Turning away from the platform, Seo Hae-young looked around the alley, twisted like an ant colony, and walked in search of the blue gate. His irritation wouldn’t subside, making even the warm, pouring sunlight feel nauseating.

As he rapidly increased and decreased his stride, peering inside, conflicting winds beat against both his temples. It had been like that just yesterday. He remembered holding the handle of a stone-like frying pan, which he had rinsed clean immediately after transferring fish, and looking back at the silent Hae-won. It was because a great idea had flashed through his mind while he was wondering how to get on his good side. That “great idea” was a trope common in movies and dramas. Getting into a car accident or hitting one’s head in an unforeseen accident and waking up remembering nothing… it was a cliché, but in an instant, it seemed like the fastest way to reach his destination. There was no reason not to try it.

Hae-won, who was leaning his head against the wall with his eyes closed, didn’t notice his presence even as he approached, lost in whatever thought he was having. He lifted the frying pan to shoulder height and gauged the distance to the crown of the head, which could be held with one hand. While he slowly lowered and raised his arm several times to find the right position, thankfully, Hae-won did not open his eyes. Control of strength was key. If he struck just enough so as not to kill him, if he was lucky, perhaps they could start over from the beginning. If possible, a high-school-aged Yoon Hae-won would be best. Those days, when he would at least pretend to die if told to, seemed the best.

Having finished practicing, he raised his arm high. The closed eyelids still didn’t open. A wind carrying a chill blew in from beyond the shabby door leading to the yard. Pale hair fluttered gently, and the surroundings became silent as if muted. It was the perfect environment.

However, the absurd plan he had impulsively conceived was discarded into the sink without being executed. There was no particular reason. It was obvious who would lose if he accidentally killed him. After considering whether to strike his own head instead, he approached Hae-won, who remained in the spot he’d been told to stay without a word, and snapped his fingers. Only then did the hidden, cloudy eyes reveal themselves. They were eyes that knew nothing.

‘I’m done.’

He had endured well. He had fed him well, washed him well, and dressed him in clothes he liked. Hae-won hadn’t shown much reaction, but he hadn’t violently refused either. Because he thought that was all he needed to do moving forward, he couldn’t believe the act of disappearing without a single word. While he was searching through houses that he couldn’t even distinguish as green or blue.

“Hey…! Not there!”

A sandy-colored tuft of hair poked out above a bright blue roof and then vanished. Eyes that sensed the familiar color rolled toward it. As a blue gate appeared between the low walls, his pace quickened, almost to a run. Rounding the wall, he saw Hae-won lying flat on the roof, perched atop a steel ladder in a corner of the old house—visible even without opening the gate. He was wearing the same clothes he’d been given. After stretching his arm out and struggling for a long while, he gave up and withdrew his hand, followed by a hesitant, discouraged voice. It was all so familiar.

“I can’t reach it….”

“Oh dear. Since Gi-tae isn’t here…. This one says he’s not tall enough either. Just wait until evening. You can’t wait that long?”

Seo Hae-young glanced over the elderly woman sitting on a small wooden platform and Hwang, who was wearing a green hat, before looking up at Hae-won, who appeared even paler under the monopolizing sunlight. A round sun hung behind Hae-won’s head. Naturally, Hae-young’s eyes narrowed and his pupils contracted. The sky, paler than the roof, merged with the backlit Hae-won, blurring everything else from view.

“Ah, I’ll try. I think I might be able to….”

Feet barely clinging to his slippers stepped onto the flimsy ladder, and the creaking sound moved his frozen legs. Without taking his cold gaze off the fumbling Hae-won, Seo Hae-young pushed open the gate, which had no latch. “Hello,” he uttered, the greeting so fluid and monotonous it felt almost dreamy, drawing the attention of the two.

“Oh, I thought you were sleeping…. Now, this one is the Hyung and that one is the younger brother. Hae-young, and Hae…won.”

Following the direction of Hwang’s finger, the grandmother’s gaze shifted sluggishly, her lips wrinkled and missing teeth.

Hae-won, the most surprised by Seo Hae-young’s unexpected appearance, forgot that he had clumsily stood up on the ladder and flailed about. Just as he nearly lost his balance on the precarious ladder, Seo Hae-young approached in a single stride and grabbed the shaking legs of the ladder. Now firmly supported and no longer tilting, Hae-won sat back on the edge of the ladder, moistening his dry lips as he looked down at Seo Hae-young for a long time. Seo Hae-young, who greeted the grandmother and chatted with Hwang without looking at him, seemed as if he knew nothing of what had happened at dawn.

“The roof is old and has a hole. Tsk… none of us can reach it. We just need to fix that one iron plate.”

“Ah…. I’ll do it.”

“That would be great. But will you be alright? With your hand like that….”

“It’s fine. Hae-won.”

Their eyes finally met. Below the rolled-up pant cuff, Hae-won felt a palm stroking his ankle. It was a touch he couldn’t possibly resist. Quickly averting his eyes, Hae-won leaned on Seo Hae-young’s shoulder—who insisted on holding his waist despite the fact that he could have climbed down on his own—and descended the ladder.

The electric drill and the piece of roofing material were handed over to Seo Hae-young. As a hideous hand entered his field of vision, Hae-won turned his head, and Seo Hae-young brushed past his shoulder to climb the ladder. Having gained nothing but a coating of dust, Hae-won perched on the edge of the wooden platform and gnawed at his dirty fingertips.

He won’t know, he just came out for a walk because I wasn’t there when he woke up, he chanted like a mantra inside his head, but his heart was far from at ease. He stole glances at Seo Hae-young, who was easily fixing the roof as Hwang instructed, and his heart sank when he felt something rustling in his pocket. While he was pushing his cards and cash deep into his pocket—having nowhere else to hide them—Hwang stepped back and patted him on the shoulder. The encouragement, meant to acknowledge his hard work, was of little help against the boiling anxiety. Because Seo Hae-young’s face was hidden as he sat astride the ladder with his back to the yard, Hae-won could neither predict nor prepare for anything. He bit his lower lip repeatedly with his strong front teeth until a clear drop of blood finally appeared. Just as his expression was hardening under the mounting worry of how to make an excuse, Hwang murmured in a candid voice.

“He’s pretty and does a good job on his own. I was exactly like that when I was young….”

Faced with a story that was unbelievable in many ways, Hae-won couldn’t agree and only managed an awkward smile. Seo Hae-young, who had always been capable of doing things well once he set his mind to them—even if he didn’t do them delicately since childhood—finished the job cleanly today, without fail. It would be laughable to feel a sense of self-deprecation; Seo Hae-young had been like that from the start.

Gently shaking the drill as if to signal he was finished, Seo Hae-young’s gaze was fixed on him. He didn’t seem angry. When Hae-won quickly stood up to hold the steady ladder, a burst of incredulous laughter rang out. Stepping down from the ladder, Seo Hae-young thrust his face beneath Hae-won’s lowered head.

“Thank you?”

Compared to the lips that still held a trace of a smile, his eyes were intensely scrutinizing every single expression. Stepping back, Hae-won could not hide his hesitant attitude, as if something were weighing on him, and slowly opened his mouth.

“You were sleeping…. I, I didn’t want to wake you.”

“You should have woken me. I was fucking surprised.”

The soft-spoken tone poked at the resolve he had made at dawn. Unable to tell if he knew or was just speaking blindly, Hae-won shut his mouth. It was a habit he couldn’t break, even though doing so solved nothing.

Seo Hae-young, whom Hae-won expected to sigh in frustration, stared blankly at the crown of Hae-won’s head—which had become a bird’s nest due to the dust and sea breeze—before turning away. He set the drill down and folded the tall ladder, leaning it against the wall.

Dreading the return to the house where they would be alone with no escape, Hae-won followed Seo Hae-young, dragging his feet. As they neared the gate, he was stopped by Hwang. Seo Hae-young was no exception. “Eat before you go!” Hwang’s suggestion was a godsend for Hae-won, who was terrified of being left alone with him.

Thus, a day spent delaying his escape with various excuses took an unexpected turn. Since things had come to this, Hae-won ended up taking on odd jobs at Hwang’s request to fix up the house, though he spent most of his time hovering around as Seo Hae-young took over the bulk of the work.

Hwang had told him to use some strength, but that was only a struggle for an old person. Eventually, while Hwang prepared lunch, Hae-won kept the grandmother company and stole confused glances at Seo Hae-young as he moved discarded furniture. While eating a lunch that was excessive compared to the work he’d done, he continued to read the room, but Seo Hae-young seemed busy engaging in Hwang’s empty conversation. Even as he ate the seasoned vegetables the grandmother popped into his mouth, Hae-won found it no easy task to understand Seo Hae-young, who was acting with a distance that felt unusual.

A tranquility similar to yesterday, blended with the warm sunlight illuminating the platform, made the bleak thoughts that had raced through his mind while staring at the dawn sea feel utterly useless. Just as Hae-won had expected, everything began to turn strange.

It was only after two in the afternoon that the two were released from the house with the blue gate and walked along the roadside where pink cosmos flowers were in full bloom. The way back home felt much longer than the way there. Having failed to sleep properly and now feeling full, a languid Hae-won let his guard down, his heels scuffing softly on the ground.

Since he was a bit tired today, he thought it might be okay to say a secret goodbye tomorrow and take the bus the day after. Since Seo Hae-young seemed not to know about the dawn incident, nothing major would happen. If he acted similarly to yesterday, he probably wouldn’t touch him recklessly, and then….

“You know.”

“…Huh?”

Hae-won, who had been lost in thought, responded late. There was no malice in the expression of Seo Hae-young, who was moving slowly, plucking petals that brushed against his face above the wall that held back a low hill. Unable to fully bend his index finger, Seo Hae-young gathered the petals he had plucked with his middle finger in his right hand and posed an abrupt question.

“Should I tie you up?”

The meaning of the question, asked as if he were genuinely curious, was ambiguous. It sounded like something he always said, yet also like he said it knowing full well. The center of Hae-won’s palm throbbed. As he waited in silence, Seo Hae-young, who had been selectively gathering only pink petals, murmured softly.

“Don’t go anywhere without telling me. Even if it feels like shit, you have to endure it. Got it?”

It was a calm coercion disguised as a request. It felt as if he were telling him to wake up from whatever he was dreaming of, and Hae-won’s steps came to a dead halt. Seo Hae-young, who had been a few steps ahead, looked back and returned. It was time to demand an answer. There were no passersby, but that fact made him even more afraid. Unable to meet his eyes directly, Hae-won looked away like a sinner.

“Did you get it?”

His right hand rose high and then stretched forward. Reflexively, Hae-won closed his eyes. It wasn’t because he thought he was going to be hit. It was simply an involuntary reaction. His tightly shut eyelids trembled. And then…. Pink petals showered down over his face. Tickling his eyelids, the tip of his nose, and his lips, a few of the fluttering petals clung to his collar. When he slowly opened his eyes, which he had shut so hard his vision had blurred, vivid colors rushed in.

“You can’t go anywhere without me anyway. You know that.”

Buried in a background dyed in various shades of pink with white and red leaves mixed in, Seo Hae-young tilted his head. He had a bored expression, but it was a terribly beautiful sight. A particularly bright red flower bud swayed near his white cheek. Seo Hae-young peeled the petals off his palm one by one and flicked them away; they clung to Hae-won’s hair before brushing his cheek and falling.

“You probably know too….”

Though the truth remained unknown, Seo Hae-young, who had accurately pinpointed the reason he couldn’t leave, reached out. This time, his hand was directed downward. His limp hand was gripped firmly. The fingers entwined inextricably were at odds with the arrogant words.

In truth, every moment spent with Seo Hae-young was full of such dissonance. The resolve of the dawn, the excuses that deserved ridicule, the inability to shake off his hand… it felt as if he were denying the days of misery, and a heavy, crushing guilt piled up on his shoulders.

Hae-won wished someone would please tell him what to do as he watched Seo Hae-young turn a cosmos flower—plucked stem and all—this way and that. Noticing the gaze, the man turned his head and, instead of providing an answer, held out the flower.

“Here.”

A bright red flower bloomed in the palm of a hand marked by a scar that split the lifeline.

That evening, when Hae-won stepped onto the porch to go to the kitchen, he encountered an empty stepping stone. The slippers he had clearly left there had vanished without a trace. He sat on the porch and looked around, but there was no way the missing shoes would just appear. Thinking it strange, he turned on the porch light and looked around, only to let out a gasp.

One of the missing slippers was placed neatly atop the low wall. It was a distance that was far yet close. It was a position where he could retrieve it if he stepped on the dirt, but the question came first. Why is that there? As Hae-won stared blankly at the single shoe, he suddenly looked behind him.

Sure enough. Seo Hae-young, whom he thought was immersed in an old novel found in the small room, was peeking out and watching him. The moment their eyes met, the crumpled cover of the book slid to cover his face.