5 – Chicken Game (11)

Chapter 9

“Ugh, ah…! Ack…!”

Splayed legs shook from side to side. Gripping the bruised hollows of the knees with one hand and pushing the thin legs up until they touched the shoulders, Seo Hae-young thrust his hips upward with half-lidded eyes.

The inside of Yoon Hae-won’s body was hot, damp, and above all, like a swamp. The more he struggled, the further he was dragged down to the bottom. It grabbed his ankles and pulled him into a sticky, dark mucus, eventually swallowing him whole. He should have torn that hole apart long ago so that nothing could ever enter it again—the hole that constantly flickered through his mind while he ate, walked, or spoke with others. Now that he had developed a taste for it, that plan was a lost cause.

“You want attention, don’t you? That’s why you’re always running away, huh?”

“Ugh…! It hurts. It hurts, Hae-young…”

A pale pink mucus, a mixture of forced semen and blood, dripped down the shaft and onto the floor. Hae-won, wedged between the wardrobes, struggled more violently, but his movements were ambiguous—neither pushing away nor pulling closer. With Hae-won’s bruised buttocks precariously perched on his thighs, Seo Hae-young braced himself against the rattling wardrobe and pressed his body forward. Contrary to his distorted expression, Hae-won’s weeping member stood rigid, leaking a thin fluid.

“You love it. You did it alone when I wasn’t here, didn’t you? Did you use your back?”

“N-no, ugh…!”

“What do you mean, no?”

Another lie. With a sneer, Seo Hae-young gripped the neck, where faint finger marks remained.

Yoon Hae-won was always like this. He would say he hated it, that they weren’t that kind of relationship, but the moment a man’s cock entered his hole, he would lose his mind and leak everywhere. This was a hole he had once given to friends he used to lie on their backs and giggle with; there was no reason he wouldn’t give it to a passing man or some powerful old man.

Staring intently at the face that looked vulgar, flushed deep red, Seo Hae-young slammed the back of Hae-won’s head against the wardrobe. Trembling hands dug nails into the backs of his hands. Rather than pain, the nails digging into the wounds from last night brought a shivering euphoria. Seo Hae-young let out a regretful sigh that the only thing he could put into this body was a cock, and he thrust his hips frantically.

“Hngh…!”

“Hae-won… if you lie, you’re dead, seriously.”

Slipping down from the wardrobe he had been leaning against, Seo Hae-young folded Hae-won’s body up almost as if crushing him and defiled his ear, as Hae-won gasped for air as if he were about to suffocate. As Hae-won stroked his shoulder with a ticklish touch, begging for mercy and looking up with watery eyes while letting out pained groans, the hip movements became faster and more violent.

Teasing him by almost letting go, he finally released the bruised neck. Following the desperate gasps of breath, the inner walls, which tightened around the member without a gap, repeated a cycle of contraction and relaxation. Exhaling hot breath through his long-torn lips, Seo Hae-young delivered a sharp slap to the cheek of Hae-won, who was trembling with his legs draped over the shoulders and eyes rolling back.

“Just try fainting. I’ll tear your hole wide open.”

“Ah… yes, yes…”

Watching him answer obediently while unable to even open his eyes properly, Seo Hae-young suddenly grew curious and looked down at the eyes drenched in pleasure. He wondered if the testicles could fit if he forced them in. However, seeing the taut, reddish wrinkles as the hole struggled to swallow the shaft, he clicked his tongue. It was so fragile that he felt it was a pity the hole was already torn.

“Haa…! Ack…!”

Pressing down on the curled-up body and driving his member into a hole that had no more room to take, the sound of his own beastly panting echoed in his ears. The unpleasant sensation of crushed flesh and drenched crotches colliding and sticking to the skin, and the pressure of the organs wrapping hotly from the glans to the root, were nothing compared to the ecstasy triggered by Hae-won’s expression as he rolled his eyes and wailed.

“H-ack…!”

“Haa, ngh…”

Driving his member in deep as the sensation of ejaculation approached, Seo Hae-young hugged the trembling Hae-won tightly and poured his semen deep into the belly. The sound of the heart, which had been beating wildly against their touching chests, gradually slowed down. Following the sound, which had become so faint it was barely audible, Seo Hae-young braced himself against the sticky floor and pushed his upper body up.

“Heu, ugh… haa…”

He looked down for a while at Hae-won, whose chest was still heaving, unable to escape the afterglow, and gave him a light kiss. He waited quietly, but Hae-won, whose vacant eyes were fixed on the ceiling, did not react. Instead of kissing him again, he slapped the bruised cheek with the back of his hand.

“Hey, wake up.”

The limp body shuddered, and scarred hands trembled as they covered his face. A voice mixed with sobs leaked through the gaps between his fingers.

“I… stop… I want to stop…”

“Why do you get to decide that? How funny…”

Letting out a laugh that wasn’t particularly pleasant, Seo Hae-young chuckled upon discovering Hae-won’s crotch soiled with thin semen.

“You came while being strangled? Wow… you’re really something.”

Recalling a time when he never dreamed Hae-won could feel pleasure from being strangled or spanked, Seo Hae-young laughed for a long time before lifting the panting, vacant-looking Hae-won to change their position. The member emerging from the ruined hole was messily stained with sticky fluid. Suppressing the urge to lick it all clean, he sat him down. He felt a sensation, as if something had caught deep within the organs.

“Ha…!”

“Stand up. Don’t lie face down.”

Pushing up the shoulders that were collapsing forward, Seo Hae-young kneaded the buttocks that fit perfectly in one hand and fished out a cigarette to light. Without being asked, Hae-won lit it for him, his face already a mess of smeared tears. It was the most pitiful and wretched sight he had seen recently.

“You thought I wasn’t coming today, didn’t you?”

Staring at Hae-won, who nodded silently while clicking the lighter, Seo Hae-young took a deep drag of smoke and grabbed the slender chin to examine the torn forehead. It looked like it had been slammed so hard that it would need a few stitches.

Dropping the chin and brushing back the hair covering the forehead, Seo Hae-young touched a scar in a similar spot. It seemed it would leave a scar in the same place as the wound on his own forehead. Feeling strangely shy, he lowered his eyes for a moment before looking back up, wearing a satisfied smile as he thrust his hips.

“Since you’ve become so lax, I just have to come find you.”

“Ah, it hurts! It hurts, Hae-young…”

As he repeatedly thrust his hips, Hae-won, who had dropped the lighter, hunched his shoulders and groaned. Though he had gained some weight, his body, which was still much thinner than before, fit perfectly in his arms.

“It hur—ack…! Heu, it hurts…”

The more he hugged the light body and thrust upward, the louder the cries of pain became, and the swollen inner walls tightening around the member exerted more force. Seo Hae-young frowned and scanned the strained Hae-won. It felt cruel that Hae-won, while his member—which had just ejaculated—stood rigid and leaked semen, only muttered words of denial.

“Hae-won. Are you just going to keep saying it hurts?”

Slapping the sobbing cheek of Hae-won, Seo Hae-young took a long drag of the filter and admired the dazed expression. Instead of the left cheek, which was used to being hit, the right cheek had been struck, and the corner of the mouth held bright red blood. When he blew a cloud of grey smoke at Hae-won’s face, which looked bewildered by the slight change in routine, the trembling corner of the mouth slowly curled up. It was obvious he was terrified, but it didn’t particularly matter.

“No, it feels good… I did it because it felt good.”

“If you say it hurts one more time…”

“I won’t. I won’t do that.”

Seo Hae-young held the cigarette, which he had barely puffed on, between his teeth before moving it to his fingers, glaring at Hae-won, who was wearing a desperate smile. Just as he was about to soothe and put him to sleep, the man was tempting him again with that pretty face. The eyelashes wet with tears and the face without a single intact spot were similar to the nights of convulsing and twisting the whole body, sparking a lust that was less than animalistic. At this point, it was unclear who the problem lay with. With a sigh, he crushed the unfinished cigarette into the flooring.

As he gripped the waist hidden beneath the loose t-shirt, the arms that immediately wrapped around his neck and the nose digging into the nape suggested that Yoon Hae-won was no different from himself.

The two people, clinging to each other in the corner of the ruined room, moved incessantly, and the sticky point of connection never once separated.

“Ah, ngh…! Hngh, Hae, Hae-young…”

“Does it feel good? Ha… you’re so fucking tight…”

Supporting the back of Hae-won’s head as he trembled and shook his own hips, Seo Hae-young tilted his head and kissed him. The blood seeping into their intertwining tongues mixed with saliva, leaving a bitter taste. The hot breaths escaping their mouths mingled, and their scents blended. Kissing his way down from the torn corner of the mouth to the nape and burying his face in Hae-won’s shoulder, Seo Hae-young pushed himself deeper, as far as he could reach, while gripping the waist.

“Hae-young, ah…! Wa-wait… ah, ah-hngh…!”

As he tightly hugged Hae-won, who was damp and soaked with all sorts of saliva, it felt as if the connected parts were melting and sticking to one another. Seo Hae-young looked around the room with a dizzy gaze and smirked.

He wished it were actually so. That they would stick together, unable to separate or escape. The warm body heat, the exhaled breath and groans, the faint muscles wrapping the thin back, the sticking inner walls, and the body without a single intact part—he couldn’t let go even if he tried, and he couldn’t get tired of it even if he wanted to.

“Hngh, ugh…! Heugh, ah…!”

Pulling down the trembling arms and pinning them tight to the sides, he thrust his hips without respite. Hae-won, with his eyes rolled back white, shook pathetically, unable to push him away. Seo Hae-young sucked on the chin where blood had dried and the prominently protruding Adam’s apple, leaving indelible marks. Finally, he kissed the hard collarbone and inhaled Hae-won’s scent.

“Hae-won… Yoon Hae-won… I fucking love you, seriously…”

The possessed voice seeped into the collarbone marked with red traces. After leaving a few more deep marks, Seo Hae-young lifted his head, saw his own reflection in those clouded eyes, and laughed softly.

Yoon Hae-won is responsible for this relationship. He must take responsibility for ruining everyone’s lives. Soft-hearted Go Tae-gyeom or pathetic Joo Hyun-woo might somehow let it slide, but he wouldn’t. He had no intention of bending or breaking. Without hiding the smirk leaking out, Seo Hae-young kissed the parted lips.

“Hae-won, you’ve gotten caught by the wrong person…”

Unlike the member being brutally driven into the hole that seemed as if it would never close again, a distant murmur escaped between lips that touched lightly and then parted.

“So you have to live with me. Until you fucking die.”

A voice containing a sense of excitement flowed out, followed by a clear laugh. The inertia of responsibility that had dragged the relationship to this point had begun the moment Hae-won had called his name in that strange voice long ago.

* * *

Under the sunset filtering through the bars, by the time the sweat seeping from their pressed skin created an unpleasant humidity, the noisy fan rattled and sent a lukewarm breeze. The threat to tear the hole if he fainted remained valid even after the sex ended. Unable to sleep as he pleased, Hae-won lay on the floor on a single thin blanket, leaving the perfectly fine bed behind, and blinked his swollen eyes with difficulty.

Killing time on the floor on a blanket while feeling the fan’s breeze was similar to the old days. Back then, he had never imagined he would mix bodies like animals, tangle together naked, and endure the humiliation of being covered in post-coital fluid, so this moment was not easy to accept. It felt hazy, as if he were dreaming.

“…I’m sorry.”

The nausea caused by the monotonous tone echoing in his ears dragged his floating consciousness back to reality. He felt as if his lower abdomen, filled with semen, was bulging as if he had overeaten. Feeling a fishy smell rising from his throat and every strand of hair, he gagged while lying slanted against a firm chest.

“Ugh, hngh…!”

“I should have said sorry first…”

The hand patting the back, which had deep blue bruises here and there, felt somewhat affectionate, but also as if it were an annoyance. Though it might have been a misconception.

“My heart got ahead of me… I really… ha…”

The voice, which was neither too low nor too high and pleasant to hear, gradually trailed off. Just as the churning in his stomach began to settle, a hearty laugh mixed with the sound of paper rustling.

“This is fucking hilarious, you crazy bastard…”

Crumpling the paper, Seo Hae-young readjusted his hold on the limp Hae-won and tore open another enclosed letter. Unfolding the letter, he traced the smooth line of the spine with his fingertips. Following the touch that pressed firmly into the still sensitively heated vertebrae, the tops of Hae-won’s feet curled.

“Ugh…”

“I couldn’t get a hold of you, so I sent them here. You’re doing well, right? Ah, I guess this is an old one. Hae-won, you should listen carefully. Hyun-woo went through the trouble of writing letters from so far away, so he’ll be happy if you listen well…”

Beside the faintly twitching Hae-won, Seo Hae-young read through nearly ten letters one by one, laughing so hard that tears welled up. It was a sneer toward Joo Hyun-woo, who continued to waste his efforts despite living a life close to imprisonment, and a genuine laugh at how ridiculous the means he had chosen were. Thinking of Hyun-woo, who must have put in so much effort without knowing who the letters were arriving to, it was almost enough to bring tears of pity to his eyes. Reading the letters that were beyond poignant and bordering on desperate, he felt he understood why Joo Hyun-jeong had contacted him incessantly. After reading all the letters with chuckles, Seo Hae-young tore the useless paper to shreds and threw it into the corner of the room.

“Yoon Hae-won is so fucking popular… it’s annoying.”

Hugging him tightly with firm arms, Hae-won followed the fluttering pieces of paper with a weary gaze. Within the unhappy days of Joo Hyun-woo conveyed by Seo Hae-young’s voice, he felt neither comfort nor sadness. With this feeling, he felt he could simply nod and move on even if he heard that Hyun-woo had died in a foreign land.

The body heat rising from the rubbing skin was sultry, but a chill that made his teeth chatter raided the holes in his heart.

“Hmm? What do you think? Hyun-woo said he’s wanted to fuck you since the old days. Things are like this now… but you were close before.”

Words that carved countless holes in his chest flowed from the lips touching his forehead. What was there to say? The moments he considered them friends, the moments of joy—all of it had been a solitary delusion. Trying to ignore his aching heart, Hae-won lifted his eyelids and stared blankly at the lips that were cleanly torn at the ends. Blood was visible on the plump lower lip. It seemed he had been bitten in the midst of the chaos. The beautiful lips, which closed and opened, continued to spout stories he didn’t want to hear, kissing the space between his brows and eyebrows whenever there was a gap.

“Wow, so you were the only one who thought you were friends? Everyone else was just thinking about your hole. What to do… I feel so bad for our Hae-won.”

Slowly stroking the nape of the neck, Seo Hae-young suddenly grabbed the waist and hoisted him up. Hae-won, who ended up perched on thighs that couldn’t possibly be comfortable, couldn’t keep his back straight and collapsed forward.

“Ah-eu…”

Burying his forehead in the shoulder of Seo Hae-young, who was leaning against the wall, Hae-won frowned and groaned softly. A heat that hadn’t yet died down swarmed within his languidly melting body. From his splayed pelvis and scraped knees to the waist that had been slammed into the wardrobe, there wasn’t a single spot that wasn’t hurt, but even the stinging pain was honed like a blade, tormenting his sensitive senses. Even the undried semen dripping from the open hole.

While he trembled, the hand that had been softly stroking the round back of his head suddenly gripped the hair and pulled it back.

“Hmm? What should we do with our Hae-won?”

“Ah…”

In his half-open eyes, a more disheveled-than-usual Seo Hae-young was reflected. Although he had always left sharply after sex, today he kept talking incessantly. The hand that had smoothed out the messy hair moved down to cup the swollen cheek. The cheek touching the palm stung.

“I heard he made a passport for you. He must have asked you to go together… But why didn’t you go?”

With the laughter gone, Seo Hae-young whispered softly, his lips brushing against Hae-won’s. He sucked the lower lip and spoke a word, then pushed his tongue in to sweep it thoroughly and spoke another. As the voice continued intermittently and they shared several kisses, fresh drops of blood formed again on the lips where scabs had set.

“You didn’t go because you were thinking of me, right? Because you like me. Right?”

“Haa… wa-wait…”

“Tell me you like me. Hmm? Tell me that’s why you didn’t go.”

It was a question as persistent as the kiss. At the same time, it was exhausting. As soon as he forcibly twisted the face held in both hands, a thumb roughly rubbed against the torn lips. The touch, probing and widening the wound, made his uncomfortable body writhe.

“Ugh, hng…!”

“Hmm? Hae-won, hurry up.”

As if dissatisfied with the way he remained silent, Seo Hae-young gripped the bruised waist with both hands and abruptly pulled the lower body toward him. The perineum pressed against Seo Hae-young’s crotch, clad in comfortable pants, was rubbed as if being crushed, and the genitals, flushed a deep pink from chafed skin, were rubbed against well-defined muscles.

Gasping for air, Hae-won braced himself against a firm chest and bent his waist. Not only were his testicles squeezed to the point that not a single drop of semen could emerge, but his genitals, which the large hand had been kneading at will, were stinging relentlessly. As Hae-won lay prone, trembling uncontrollably, Seo Hae-young pressed his lips to his ear and spoke in a voice even lower than when he had recited the letter.

“Answer me properly… I’m trying to set the mood here.”

As the palms that had been gripping his buttocks slid down his back, which was glistening with seeped sweat, a dry swallow passed through his stinging, swollen throat. The back, where a leather belt had left numerous lash marks, flared up hotly under the teasing fingers.

No matter how poor his learning ability was, he had memorized one thing clearly. To avoid being hit, he had to open his mouth now. Preferably with an answer that wouldn’t provoke anger. However, his choked throat would not easily vibrate, and his tongue felt stiff. The scrap of a letter, which he had thought held no emotion, felt as if it had bunched up into a ball, blocking his airway.

Hae-won, whose back heaved as if he were about to vomit, finally forced a sentence through his throat—a question that neither Seo Hae-young nor Hae-won himself had expected.

“Don’t… aren’t you sorry?”

A brief silence fell over the small room before vanishing instantly.

“…Hmm?”

“You…”

A surge of sorrow welled up, preventing him from finishing the sentence. Bracing himself against the wall with a scarred palm, Hae-won pushed his upper body away and hurriedly wiped away the falling tears, unable to meet the other’s eyes. Despite this, tears continued to pour down his raw, red eyelids, soaking his cheeks. Shrugging his shoulders in fear of the man silently stroking his thigh, he cautiously vomited out his resentment and doubt.

“Bo-both of them, they said they’re sorry… Go Tae-gyeom too… and Joo Hyun-woo said he’s sorry. They said they did wrong. Do you… don’t you feel anything?”

“Me? Who… to you?”

Seo Hae-young, who had been listening quietly to the stumbling words, let out a breathy laugh and asked back. The expression and the question felt as if they were laced with absurdity, causing Hae-won to momentarily lose his words and gasp. The gaze, as if looking at a child throwing an unreasonable tantrum, sparked anxiety. Flustered and merely gaping, Hae-won pointed with clumsy gestures to the door behind him, his left ear, and the bruises remaining on his body.

“The door, that door… you locked it, trapped me, hit me… you did that. It hurts. My ear, I can’t hear well, just everything… everything hurts. It’s hard. It’s so hard, aren’t you sorry? Just a li-little bit?”

Joo Hyun-woo’s letter and Go Tae-gyeom’s apology became a jumbled mess in his head. The agony that the summer had placed on everyone’s shoulders was visible, however faintly, in those two. Since he had no intention of accepting or forgiving them, it didn’t matter if they suffered from guilt and hanged themselves somewhere, or if they forgot everything and shamelessly built families and futures. He didn’t care. But Seo Hae-young was different. Nothing was visible. In Seo Hae-young’s expression—which occupied everything from the starting point to the finish line—there was no guilt, no shame, no discomfort… nothing.

After demanding an answer, Seo Hae-young now just stared blankly as it became his turn. Pushing Seo Hae-young’s shoulder away to retreat, Hae-won snatched up a scrap of paper rolling on the floor and held it out.

“He, he…! Even Joo Hyun-woo sent something like this. Saying he’s sorry… What about you? Are you… not bothered… not bothered at all? Aren’t you sorry? Really, not even a li-little… no?”

The palm holding the crumpled, torn scrap of a letter, its writing blurred, trembled violently. A miserable sob mixed with the question of whether he felt nothing. He wasn’t hoping for an immediate repentance or a plea for forgiveness. He just wanted him to realize that this relationship and this situation were not normal. A single word, a single gesture would have sufficed. If the burden everyone carried appeared even slightly on that face, there was no way he wouldn’t recognize it; he just needed to show it.

As far as he could remember, Seo Hae-young had always been different from Joo Hyun-woo or Go Tae-gyeom. That was why Seo Hae-young’s distress felt as if it might somehow be a comfort. Anyone human feels guilt. The belief that it was impossible to feel absolutely nothing pushed down his fear and drove him to continue these pathetic questions.

“That we… that we became like this… aren’t you sad? Don’t you… don’t you pity me at all…?”

As time passed until the scrap of paper became damp and clung to his palm, the outstretched hand slowly sank to the floor.

“Ah…”

The black pupils staring blankly at the tear-stained face were like a pitch-black curtain, and the cover was hidden tightly behind them. Perhaps the answer he wanted didn’t exist in there at all. Perhaps there had been no trace of it from the beginning.

Seo Hae-young, stroking the nape of his neck as if thinking about something, rolled his eyes with a bored expression. When his gaze, having swept across the room, met Hae-won’s eyes, his red lips parted slightly and he let out an “Ah” of realization.

The next moment, Hae-won, shrugging his shoulders, recoiled. His wrist, pressing against the floor, throbbed, but all his attention was focused on Seo Hae-young, who had surged upward, leaving no room to perceive the pain. Long legs wrapped in soft fabric tangled with his bare legs, and his back hit the creaking bed. The motionless corners of the mouth and the dimly sunken eyes possessed an oppressive energy that ensnared his gaze.

Pressing close as if to crush the terrified Hae-won, Seo Hae-young gripped both his forearms and looked down silently before his lips flickered. A voice like a thick summer breeze wrapped around the right ear and flowed into the eardrum.

“I’m sorry.”

When he understood those very short words, Hae-won truly realized what it meant for one’s heart to sink. It wasn’t a tone mimicking someone else, nor was it a mockery containing playfulness. A bewildered question escaped his open mouth.

“…Huh?”

“I’m sorry, Hae-won. I did wrong.”

The sentence he thought he had misheard penetrated his ear once more, but the tension that had stiffened his shoulders and nape did not relax. Though the words coming from that mouth were exactly what he had wanted, his limbs began to tremble for no reason. Just as the small, irregular sounds of his breathing became urgent as if he might choke, the firmly closed lips curved into a loose arc.

“I’m so fucking sorry, so sorry… so what should I do? What do you want me to do?”

A shallow hope rolled into the mire. Twisting his head, Hae-won instinctively pushed off the floor and arched his upper body back. Not even a self-deprecating laugh—the kind that says I knew it would be like this—came out. He was simply unbearably miserable. A bleakness that could not be hidden even by biting his lip or squeezing his eyes shut slowly leaked out.

“Ah, ugh… hugh…”

“Hmm? Tell me. I’ll do whatever you say. Cry? Should I beg? Or maybe… a letter?”

Seo Hae-young, gripping him with a force that felt as if it would crush bone, shook his upper body. Hae-won, gasping for breath in a terror so deep it was palpable to any observer, was shaken helplessly.

“Why aren’t you saying anything? I asked what I should do.”

“I, I just… you…”

Eyes that were vaguely flushed, without a hint of anger or pleasure, looked at the lips that couldn’t form a proper sentence before rolling away.

“Ah, the ear…”

As if a good idea had occurred to him, his gentle eyes curved instantly. A smile, like an ominous omen, sent a chilling shiver down the spine.

“Right. Then I can just make mine the same. Hae-won, right?”

Seo Hae-young, bringing his knees up, reached toward the bed. Gripping his forehead in a dizziness that shook his very brain, Hae-won’s raw eyes widened the moment he spotted the piece of metal being brought over in a white hand. Seo Hae-young, gripping the handle tightly with his left hand, gave a faint smile as their gazes locked. The next moment, a slender blade, dried with blood, flew toward the ear in the blink of an eye.

‘I can just make mine the same.’

Without time to grasp the situation, Hae-won bolted upright and lunged away faster than ever before.

“H-hugh…! Hae-young…!”

By the time he gripped the vein-popping wrist with both hands, the sharp tip of the blade that had scraped the outer ear was just about to plunge into the hole. Suddenly expanded muscles sent a tingling vibration through him. Lifting his face, which had turned pale as the blood drained away, Hae-won glared with wide eyes and shook his head violently.

“Hae-young, Hae-young… why, why are you doing this… don’t do this…”

“It’s because I’m sorry, so fucking sorry. So I should become like that too. We’ll be the same, right?”

Just resisting the strength that would plunge the blade into his ear the moment he relaxed was overwhelming, leaving him unable to find words to refute the nonsensical claim. Hae-won put all his remaining strength into his battered body, trying to pull the scissors away from his ear.

“Don’t, don’t do it! Let go…!”

He shifted his white-knuckled hands to claw at the gaps between Seo Hae-young’s fingers. He forced his index finger between the middle finger gripping the handle, but the firmly entwined fingers would not easily let go of the scissors. As the sharp tip moved closer to the hole, only useless sobbing grew louder. Seo Hae-young, kneeling as if repenting for his sins, looked up at Hae-won, who was shaking his head and wailing.

“Instead of sending some fucking letter and running around acting crazy, I should do it like this. It’s fine, right?”

“D-don’t do this! Hae-young… I was wrong…! I-I was wrong…”

Held in the arms of the struggling Hae-won, Seo Hae-young twisted the wrist that the cold hands were holding with all their might. The tip, unable to enter deeply, tore through the tender skin. Distorting his face as if his own skin had been torn, Hae-won rolled his wet eyes around and quickly bent his waist. He opened his mouth and clamped down hard on a smooth finger. As he ruthlessly bit down on the flesh and the thick bone that crushed between his teeth, the strength left the vein-strained hand. Taking advantage of that moment, he hurriedly snatched the scissors away, prompting a hollow laugh of disbelief.

“Hugh, hng…”

The scissors, leaving lacerations on each other’s wrists and ears, fell and spun on the floor. Looking down, Seo Hae-young examined the finger with the distinct, neat bite marks and burst into a fit of laughter.

“Ah, Yoon Hae-won, seriously…”

“Look. Really, really… why are you like this…”

The sound of his heart was so loud it almost drowned out the cool laughter. Hae-won hugged the head of the laughing Seo Hae-young and hurriedly felt around his left ear. Regardless of whether the object he had cherished was covered in dust, his eyes were busy examining Seo Hae-young’s wound, eventually crumpling in a pathetic manner. Faint droplets of blood were visible on the outer ear, the lobe, and the hard-to-see inner part. Even the thin scar on the cheek where the tip had passed spat out droplets of blood.

“W-what to do… you’re bleeding, Hae-young…”

Sunk helplessly into the rushing panic, Hae-won let out a low groan and wiped away the blood droplets on the white skin with trembling hands. He felt as if the pain were transferring to him. A sharp tinnitus covered his left ear, as if the metal had been driven into his own ear. Rubbing his tear-filled eyes to clear his vision, he frantically checked the pretty ear to see if there were any major wounds.

“Hey.”

“D-doesn’t it hurt? You have to, have to go to the hospital…”

“Yoon Hae-won.”

“Hospital… ah…!”

Hae-won, who hadn’t even heard him calling while carefully fiddling with the ear, was suddenly grabbed by the shoulder and pushed back. His back hit the bed, and he squeezed his eyes shut before opening them to find the palm that had been rolling over his rounded shoulder blade sliding down to grip his forearm.

Seo Hae-young didn’t stop there; he slowly caressed the protruding collarbone and the nape of the neck filled with messy marks. At a distance so close that their breaths mingled, the white hand stroked the body that had not yet calmed from panic, as if checking if his property was intact.

“Do you know why you’re here doing this?”

A lukewarm breeze blowing from the corner of the room where twilight had fallen scattered the black hair and carried a familiar scent. Even in the cast darkness, the clearly shining eyes exposed a thin layer of anger and determination.

“It’s because of this. Because of this.”

The hand that had brushed the outer ear pushed away the torn forehead. Every time the fingertips pushed the forehead, the head snapped back.

“Since way back, you were so fucking kind, that’s why I…”

Seo Hae-young, who had been pushing the head back as if tormenting him, suddenly fell silent and scanned Hae-won, who looked visibly shocked. Hae-won’s hand, still unable to stop the crying or trembling and only repeating don’t do this, was gripping the left wrist tightly. As if afraid he might pick up the scissors again.

It was similar to the daytime. A heat, hot as a burn, rose up the wrist. Supporting the nape of the crying, senseless Hae-won, Seo Hae-young kissed him instead of continuing his words. He readily sucked and rubbed the lips wet with all sorts of saliva, entwining the moist tongue. He took over the sobbing and breathed in the lacking air. When the lips parted with a viscous sound, Seo Hae-young leaned his forehead against the chest of Hae-won, who had regained a regular rhythm of breathing, and spoke while fiddling with the ankle bone that had healed in a strangely distorted shape.

“And. That door, it wasn’t locked.”

A deep well was carved into the cheek with the long laceration.

“You just didn’t leave.”

Hae-won lifted his heavy eyelashes amidst a flickering consciousness. The sound of laughter that shook, broke, pushed, and trampled people lingered in his ears like cicadas that returned every summer, buzzing incessantly.

Whenever Seo Hae-young left the room, he had always heard the sound of metal clashing. He couldn’t believe it wasn’t locked. Even with only half an ear, he couldn’t have heard a sound that wasn’t there, and Seo Hae-young had lied at times.

That was why, even while leaning his forehead against the clumsy hand applying a bandage, he asked several times like a person who only knew one phrase. When he asked, ‘Did you really not lock it?’, Seo Hae-young would consistently answer, ‘Why would I do that.’

“You wouldn’t leave even if I left it alone.”

Adding those words at the end.

When Seo Hae-young picked up the first-aid kit and left the room, the sound of metal scraping occurred again. Could an auditory hallucination be this vivid? Left alone, Hae-won stared at the stairs submerged in darkness, then covered his ears and buried his face in his knees. He didn’t know how he had never checked once during all those long days. He had never climbed the stairs, nor had he pulled the handle. All he had done was slip through the open gap of the door when Seo Hae-young came to visit.

What if it really was open? What if it had never been locked once?

Ambivalent emotions that tormented him boiled up. Excitement had necrosed. He could no longer feel any loveliness toward Seo Hae-young, who stubbornly devoured his mind. He hated him and resented him to death. Yet, he couldn’t stand by and watch him harm himself. He wanted to strangle him to death. But he simply couldn’t bring his hand to that white, long neck. He would curse him as a human being beyond repair, but if someone else agreed, he somehow felt angry. He couldn’t understand this unresolved duality within himself.

Whether while eating delayed meals, lying in bed, or even when the sun finally rose, the confusion did not disappear. The body that had rolled heavily on the asphalt caused more muscle pain than usual, and the memories of the dawn spent awake evaporated.

Wiping his face, Hae-won crossed the space where the low desk had vanished with a limping gait and stood before the stairs. The three steps connecting to the surface were three stages leading to a reality that had drifted far away. The stairs he had stepped on so easily when fleeing from Seo Hae-young seemed so high and arduous today.

After a long hesitation, Hae-won stepped forward. A rough texture, different from the linoleum of the room, brushed the soles of his feet. Pulling up his ankle, which frequently buckled just by standing, he climbed the remaining two steps very slowly. Reaching the firmly closed door, Hae-won let out a long sigh and turned the handle.

As the cold handle slid down smoothly, the door opened with a hollow ease. Air, warmer and drier than the basement, ruffled his hair, and bright sunlight spilled through the gap. Taking one more step out of the room, Hae-won stood still for a moment before turning his gaze toward the doorway.

He stared blankly at the clean wall, devoid of even a single latch for a lock, then stepped back and closed the door. The sound of metal scraping echoed again. Even though there was no one outside.

* * *

Leaning against the headboard of the bed, Hae-won slowly emptied his head, which felt as if it were about to burst. It seemed the time had come to admit it. That he had finally gone mad. He heard sounds that weren’t there and saw things that weren’t real. If this wasn’t madness, there was no other way to explain it. Once he accepted it, this place was far too generous for a useless human being who had no home, no spare money, a flickering mind, and no skills.

To suppress the surging waves of depression, Hae-won fiddled with the rustling summer blanket and hummed a song that had been popular long ago. A song he had heard beside Seo Hae-young, who was flipping through pages during the summer he was twenty, drifted softly, floating through this house that was nothing more than a hollow imitation. As the breeze of that day, which had once tickled his heart, blew through, a faint smile touched the corners of his eyes, which were bruised a deep purple.

“Want to live here? There are plenty of rooms.”

Yes.

“I won’t be bored if you’re here.”

Me neither.

“I’m scared when I’m alone… Stay the night. I’ll make whatever you want to eat.”

Okay.

“You don’t want to? Then you make it. But still, stay the night.”

He smiled vacantly, murmuring an answer different from the one he gave back then. What would have happened if he had nodded when Seo Hae-young—who had nothing to be afraid of—told him to stay over because he kept thinking about a horror movie he’d seen the day before? What if he had packed all his things and moved into this house? What if he had found a job nearby and eaten dinner at the same table every day? They probably would have cracked open beers while watching boring dramas, fried pancakes together during the holidays, blown out birthday cake candles, and made small snowmen when it snowed, and so spring would have come again…

Crumpling and bunching the blanket that friends who visited used to tease him for being tacky, he created a virtual future and played it back. On the bed where he remained rooted, the four seasons turned endlessly. The corners of his lips curled up. There was nothing lacking. He was happy.

“…Won-ah, Yoon Hae-won!”

The creaking delusions vanished in an instant, as if the power had been cut. His eyelids fluttered. His stiff eyeballs rolled, following a finger that tapped right in front of him and then pulled away. Seo Hae-young, frowning with a look of disapproval, scanned his body and let out a thin sigh.

“Were you drinking without even washing up? Since this morning?”

“I, I didn’t…”

Startled, Hae-won shook his head at the suddenly appearing Seo Hae-young before falling silent. His throat was darkly choked. Closing his mouth to stop the unpleasant metallic sound, Hae-won suddenly cast his eyes down.

“…Huh?”

“So you really want me to stick by you all day, is that it?”

The blanket, which until a moment ago had been scattered with bright light, was now shrouded in darkness, and his right hand was gripping the neck of an empty liquor bottle. Startled as if he had touched something filthy, he let go of the bottle. Seo Hae-young sighed once more, picked up the rolling empty bottle, and placed it in the sink. Nothing made sense.

While Hae-won’s eyes darted around, Seo Hae-young turned off the fan, which had grown hot from running constantly, approached the bed, and grabbed Hae-won’s forearm with a rough hand as if lifting an object. As soon as he lowered his feet with a sharp groan, his severely broken body screamed loudly from within. His collapsing knees hit the floor immediately.

“Ah… it hurts…”

“Stop bullshitting, seriously…”

Letting out a scoff of disbelief, Seo Hae-young wrapped his arms around the waist of the struggling Hae-won and hoisted him up. As he supported him by the hips and held him close, a strong smell of alcohol wafted from the body leaning helplessly against his shoulder. Held by Seo Hae-young as he walked toward the makeshift bathroom, Hae-won buried his face in the nape of the neck that still smelled fragrant, hiding his anxiety. His feet, covered in scraped wounds, dangled. He didn’t even know how much time had vanished. At this rate, he couldn’t even deny that he was crazy.

Water pouring from the crown of his head washed away the fluffy foam. Crouching in the corner of the newly laid tiles—since the cracked bathroom tiles couldn’t be brought over exactly—Hae-won entrusted his head to the hands that meticulously washed away the bubbles.

“Yoon Hae-won has a pretty forehead.”

Pushing the wet hair back, Seo Hae-young flicked the side of his forehead that didn’t have a bandage. The snap of the nail left a reddish mark. As he touched his forehead, which had been struck out of nowhere, a toothbrush with toothpaste entered his mouth. When he obediently opened his mouth, one hand gripped his jaw firmly while the other moved the toothbrush over his molars. The clumsy brushing frequently and painfully poked his uvula and gums.

Whenever the hard plastic touched the back of his throat, he lifted his flickering eyelids to find a face wearing a faint smile. It seemed he found it quite amusing to wash him as if he were a doll; the corners of his eyes curved softly downward. It was an energy distinctly different from the anxiety resting on his shoulders.

“How are you going to manage, being unable to do anything like this…”

After helping him spit out the foam and rinse with water, Seo Hae-young muttered indifferently while placing the clean toothbrush back in the cup. Then, he returned with a large towel and dried the wet hair with a somewhat rough touch. Though he spoke in an annoyed tone, his actions were not at all so. After meticulously cleaning him up, Seo Hae-young took the wrist that bore a faint laceration and kissed the inside of it.

“I can’t exactly carry you around with me everywhere.”

Hae-won couldn’t utter a word throughout the washing process. He had believed that since he became tied to this place that didn’t even feel like a home, Seo Hae-young had never helped him wash, but now even that thought felt doubtful. Though there were clumsy aspects, there was no way to explain why it felt so natural to entrust his body, or why the touch drying the moisture felt so comforting.

“I should have sent you to college…”

Wrapped in the towel that had grown heavy with moisture, Hae-won slowly reached out his held hand and gripped the collar of the shirt splashed with water droplets. As Seo Hae-young stopped speaking and lifted his eyelashes, a question flickered in his eyes. Hae-won leaned forward and rested his forehead on the broad shoulders. Seo Hae-young, stiffening in an uncharacteristic way, maintained silence for a while before awkwardly patting the towel-covered shoulder and asking in a blunt tone.

“Why are you suddenly like this?”

“Just…”

Hae-won replied quietly and burrowed into the warm embrace. Only now could he grasp the clue to the relationship Seo Hae-young desired.

Seo Hae-young wanted him to become a pathetic human who could do nothing on his own, to depend, to cling, and to live imprisoned. For a period of time whose expiration date was unknown. However, what Hae-won wanted was different. He wanted to be honorable in front of Seo Hae-young. Many people succeeded without having anything, and he believed there was no reason it couldn’t be him. He thought that if he lived diligently, he would one day be able to establish a solid foundation. He wanted to face each other and move forward together. For as long as possible.

In this way, the gap between them was too wide, and it seemed far too late to narrow it. He was tired of hoping dozens of times only to be frustrated hundreds more. And his gloomy reflections always converged on one place. A place in the past that prevented him from leading a normal daily life. A place that pushed, cornered, and locked him inside a narrow, dark room. His brown eyes, tinged with a strange hue, projected a vivid nightmare beyond the chilly bathroom. Hae-won’s lips, wearing a dim smile, parted.

“You know…”

“Yeah?”

“That place… we went to a long time ago, can we go there together?”

“Where?”

The voice that waited for the story to emerge with frustrating slowness and responded to it contained a tenderness he hadn’t felt in a long time. After swallowing hard, Hae-won cautiously continued.

“The villa. The one we went to every year…”

The hand that had been softly stroking his shoulder froze. The monotonous atmosphere froze over, and the body leaning against him was pushed back. The reaction, which exceeded his expectations, robbed him of the time to explain the reason. As his back hit the tiled wall with a thud and he let out a low groan, a merciless hand gripped his throat and pinned his upper body.

“Ah, ngh…!”

As the back of his head hit the wall following his back, his alcohol-soaked brain rang. Holding his head fixed, Seo Hae-young slapped Hae-won’s cheek—who was coughing pitifully—as if to wake him up, and asked in a low voice.

“Why?”

He managed to open his eyes, which had closed instinctively, but he was in no position to speak. When he gently stroked Seo Hae-young’s wrist with a strength that was far from harmful, a sigh that sounded like suppressed anger was heard, and the grip on his throat loosened slightly. Taking advantage of that gap, Hae-won inhaled a shallow breath, panting as he dragged up the fading memories of that day.

“We… we decided to go back. It’s summer…”

“I’m asking why.”

Seeing the cold expression of Seo Hae-young, who seemed to have forgotten alone that they had agreed to visit again when summer came, a hollow laugh escaped him. Seo Hae-young might have forgotten, but Hae-won remembered vividly. The whisper that came from the backseat under the stinging sunlight. Perhaps the other two had forgotten completely as well. It was a scar that remained only for him.

That was why it had to be that place—the place where the relationship began to unravel.

It wasn’t a sudden decision. He had thought and thought again with his malfunctioning brain. It was a place he had carefully chosen while waiting for summer. No matter how much he thought about it, that was the only suitable place.

“Hae-young-ah…”

Clumsily stroking the back of the hand that held his windpipe, he slid his index finger through the gap. Intertwining his fingers with the loosening hand, Hae-won fiddled with the neat fingernails and let out a trembling voice.

“It comes out in my dreams sometimes. It’s hard… I need to get along… well with you, but I keep thinking about it, and I feel like I’ll be okay if I go once… If we call Joo Hyun-woo and Go Tae-gyeom too… and settle things, then I think we’ll be okay too…”

After all, isn’t there a saying that you can only overcome trauma by facing it? That it festers, rots, and keeps coming back because you ignore it… Someone on TV had said so once.

Hae-won stitched together the fragmented memories to create a reason why he had to go there. Seo Hae-young, who listened in silence to the words that had neither basis nor validity, let out a hollow laugh while tapping the showerhead against the tiles. Sure enough, the reaction was not very good.

“Was it so fucking great doing it with the four of us? You can’t forget it even if you die? Am I not enough for you?”

“Hae, Hae-young-ah…”

The dripping showerhead was suddenly pushed between his legs. Startled, Hae-won tried to close his legs, but Seo Hae-young grabbed his knees and forced them wide, pressing the thick head of the showerhead firmly against his clean genitals and perineum. When the head, roughly the size of a fist, touched his hole, Hae-won shrugged his shoulders violently and shook his head, where handprints remained.

“With them, that kind of thing… you know. I only have you… I want to clear it up, that’s why.”

“You expect me to believe that?”

“Just for one day. Then I’ll stay here, in this house, until you tell me to leave. Just… I, I want to get along… well with you. Like before… ah…!”

“Do I look like an idiot to you?”

The white wrist, veins popping, twisted, and the cold piece of metal pressed around the hole with a force as if it would pierce through his body. Even when he pulled his unheld knee in to trap the wrist, the unpleasant sensation did not leave.

“Ah, ngh…!”

“I don’t understand this at all, Hae-won-ah…”

The hand holding the showerhead moved greatly, poking the wrinkled area. Sliding down, Hae-won urgently gripped the wrist that had entered between his legs and blinked his teary eyes. As if he would insert it if necessary, Seo Hae-young raised an eyebrow, and in the gap where he pulled his elbow back, Hae-won hurriedly pulled the hand that was gripping his knee.

“…During the day, I saw the door wasn’t locked.”

Bringing his white hand between his legs, Hae-won recounted the disastrous day. With an expression that was either bewildered or amused, Seo Hae-young rolled his eyes and, contrary to the expectation that he would refuse, offered his fingers without a word. Into the hole that was relaxed enough to be entered at any time, Hae-won pushed three of Seo Hae-young’s fingers in and moved them back and forth as if masturbating. The greedily clinging inner walls pulled the fingers in. The thought that this would be better than the showerhead, combined with the obsession that he must go to that place somehow, became entangled.

“Ah… I didn’t leave. Heuu… just like you said…”

“Why didn’t you leave?”

“Ah-heu…!”

Even though the wrist wasn’t being pulled, the fingers thrusting in with a thumping sound brought about an obvious pleasure. The hole, which had become loose enough that three fingers weren’t sufficient, munched as if to swallow the hand.

“Haa-euk, ngh…! Hae, Hae-young-ah…”

“I asked why you didn’t leave.”

“Heu-euk…!”

The tips of the bent fingers pressed against the sensitive area and poked with crude force. The swollen flesh rang with a sharp sensation, spreading an unbearable pleasure throughout his body. Shaking as he rubbed the back of his head against the tiles, Hae-won moved his twitching hand up Seo Hae-young’s thigh. While he passed the already prominently erect genitals and undid the buckle, tears fell incessantly down his temples, but since it was such a routine occurrence, no one cared. Hae-won quickly stroked the thick member he pulled out from the open zipper with both hands, blooming a distorted smile.

“Because… because I like you. That’s why I didn’t leave… ha-euk…!”

“Because you like me? That’s why you didn’t leave?”

Curling the corners of his mouth as if something felt off, Seo Hae-young could not shake his suspicion even while tormenting the open hole with his hand.

“Yes, yes… quickly, please…”

The fear brought by the humid space slowly swallowed his body. Looking around at the gradually collapsing reality, Hae-won hurriedly spread his legs and pulled Seo Hae-young in before his remaining sanity vanished. Clenching his teeth so that the tongue that uttered lies could not speak the truth, he embraced the broad back.

“You’ve only learned how to act like a slut…”

“Ah, heu-euk!”

A sneer, and at the same time the hand pressing his thigh applied force, the heat-filled mass of flesh pushed into his body. Gasping and trembling, Hae-won put strength into his legs, which were struggling to escape, and wrapped them around Seo Hae-young’s waist. Since he had rushed in first, the member that slammed in without giving him time to adjust churned his solar plexus. A dizzying electricity surged to the tips of his toes, and his stomach turned over.

Lying on a wet towel, Hae-won covered his ears and swallowed his screams to escape the flood of terror that followed. The bathroom door clicked open, closed, fell over, and legs were spread. Another click, the door closed; a click, fishy semen poured over his face; a click, a mass of flesh was pushed into his mouth. Water droplets fell, chill rose, and a palm slashed his cheek.

It was a hallucination and a nightmare that he could not escape, no matter how much he ran. When a white hand fished his mind out of the villa, a beast-like breath slammed him back into it. His head hit the tiles repeatedly, and his legs were crumpled. The hole burned hot, and his organs were all crushed. He was pulled up to a climax and then slammed down to the bottom. He couldn’t tell if the hand grabbing his hair and smashing him against the floor was a hallucination or reality.

Blinking his unfocused, wide-open eyes at the flickering light bulb, Hae-won laughed while shaking his shoulders. His vision was entirely crimson. He could see nothing. He didn’t know what would happen now. He only thought that he had endured for quite a long time. It was time to let go of the hours he had been clinging to so miserably.

* * *

The sex was more grueling than ever. The location was a problem, and his body, tattered from accumulated wounds, was also a problem. If it had continued for a long time as it did yesterday, he would have surely fainted, but thanks to a pathetic bit of consideration, Hae-won, barely holding onto his sanity, didn’t leave the room and instead hugged the head of Seo Hae-young, who had stubbornly lain down on the narrow bed. Just as the thought occurred to him that he might actually die while having sex, a breath laced with a smile brushed against his swollen nipple.

“Why are you like this again.”

It was a murmur that sounded as if he disliked it, but there was strength in the arms wrapped around his waist. Lifting his head slightly from the pillow, Hae-won fiddled with the white earlobe and let out a cautious question. As a forgotten wound came to mind, his eyebrows furrowed instinctively.

“Your ear… is it okay?”

Without a word, Seo Hae-young sucked on the reddened, chafed nipple with a loud smacking sound, causing Hae-won’s tense lower abdomen to tighten instantly.

“Ah…!”

As if the sharp moan were a signal, Seo Hae-young opened his mouth wide, biting deep into the flat chest and flicking the tip of the split nipple with his tongue. His snake-like tongue quickly coiled around, rubbed, and strongly sucked the small, budding piece of flesh.

“Ah, eu… Hae-young, it stings…”

While the wet lips obsessively tormented one nipple, Hae-won had no choice but to hold Seo Hae-young’s head tight, trembling in fits. It felt as though it were only a matter of time before it was torn off, yet the sound created by the friction of flesh and tongue evoked a strange itchiness. His entwined legs naturally rubbed against Seo Hae-young’s thighs, and as his chest grew damp, his panting breaths grew louder. The criticism of someone who had mocked him, asking if he really felt pleasure from having his chest sucked rather than his cock, added a layer of self-loathing, but it was difficult to stop his body from reacting naturally.

Releasing his lips before the genitals could fully erect, Seo Hae-young smirked, crushing the nipple—which had stood erect and turned bright red as if it were about to bleed—with his thumb.

“This is even more swollen.”

After kissing the chest where purple marks remained exactly where his lips had sucked, Seo Hae-young slid his hand under the blanket to gently stroke the thighs and buttocks, desiring nothing more. Hae-won couldn’t tell if it was just a prank or if he was being told not to bring up the topic of the ears. Exhaling a heated breath in a deep sigh, Hae-won leaned his upper body forward to examine the ears he hadn’t checked yet. Scratches, as if from small twigs, embroidered the white skin. Though the cuts were shorter than a finger joint, they somehow looked enormous, causing his head to lower instinctively. As he kissed the soft outer rim of the ear, the hand that had been passing over his pelvis stopped in its tracks. Without pulling away, Hae-won slowly lowered his lips, delivering light kisses to the places the hand couldn’t reach.

Just as he was about to press his lips to the earlobe for the final touch, his shoulder was grabbed and he was shoved back into the pillow. Seo Hae-young, who had pushed himself up in an instant, pinned Hae-won’s shoulder down to keep him from rising and rubbed the ear where the lips had just landed. With a furrowed brow, Seo Hae-young looked both bewildered and troubled. Fortunately, he didn’t seem angry. With his undried hair scattered across the pillow, Hae-won gauged the other’s mood, his lips fluttering, unable to reach the earlobe.

“I was just… wondering if you were okay…”

“I guess you touch everything you’re curious about,” Seo Hae-young replied bluntly with a suspicious expression. His gaze grew thorny, as if questioning something. Unable to endure it for long, Hae-won was the first to avert his eyes, and feeling a hand suddenly push between his legs, he hurriedly brought up a topic to break the strange atmosphere. Whether it was a finger or a penis, any further pleasure would only be pain.

“Ah… um, I’m hungry…”

Hae-won couldn’t finish the sentence and bit his lower lip. The suddenness of the remark seemed to affect the other as well, as the strength left the hand that had been prying open his tightly closed thighs. Eventually, Seo Hae-young let out a hollow laugh and lightly slapped Hae-won’s stiff cheek with his palm.

“That’s a pretty poor excuse, Hae-won.”

Hae-won watched the back of the man as he stepped off the bed without a word and headed toward the kitchen—a place that existed in name only—and let his tense shoulders slump. Every moment of conversation felt grueling. To the point where he doubted the past, a time when he had never felt such discomfort.

With Seo Hae-young’s back to him, taking food out of the refrigerator while Hae-won leaned against the wall with his exhausted body, the other let out a low sigh. Since the low table had been broken, there was no furniture left to place things on. As Hae-won quietly watched Seo Hae-young put the food back on the sink, he gathered his courage and raised his voice.

“Hae-young.”

When Seo Hae-young turned around at the call, Hae-won hid his trembling hands under the blanket and looked up.

“…Can’t we eat together?”

Leaning against the sink, Seo Hae-young blinked slowly, as if trying to process the short sentence. The silence was heavy. Thinking he shouldn’t have said anything, Hae-won looked down again and toyed with the blanket as if pretending to be preoccupied. Then, when an unexpected answer returned, his tense fingertips curled.

* * *

Perhaps because he had kept himself locked away for so long, the kitchen he had entered numerous times felt quite unfamiliar. Stepping forward hesitantly, Hae-won opened the refrigerator and looked inside while Seo Hae-young checked the cupboards. The space, which had always been full of ingredients, was sparsely empty, leaving him with only a few dishes in mind. Biting his nails, Hae-won gathered a few simple ingredients for a stew and approached Seo Hae-young, who was taking out bowls.

“Do you… not cook and eat here?”

As he asked while placing the ingredients on the counter, close enough for their shoulders to brush, he felt a gaze looking down at him.

“Because I eat out.”

Indeed, there was no way Seo Hae-young—who produced nothing but trash whenever he tried to cook—would consistently make his own meals. Instead of saying it aloud, Hae-won simply nodded and slowly began preparing dinner. He spent more time standing blankly, unable to remember where things were or which ingredients to put in first, than he did actually cooking, but he did not stop his hands.

As he moved busily without rest, the tremors subsided. He became able to ignore the suspicious gaze to some extent.

When he reached for the knife block, the gaze following his every move grew more intense. Forcing strength into his shrinking body, Hae-won did not turn the blade elsewhere and neatly sliced the soft tofu into uniform pieces.

While slicing the zucchini and potatoes, he suddenly felt an urge to hold the blade upright near his fingers and stab the back of his hand. He wanted to plunge his face into the pot where the broth was boiling vigorously. As the impulse he had felt once before washed over him again, his hand froze before the halved potatoes.

He suddenly felt afraid, realizing that the kitchen he had frequented so casually was a more dangerous place than he thought. Quickly shaking his head to dispel the sadistic delusions, Hae-won pushed the prepared ingredients into the pot. Today was not the day.

While the soybean paste stew simmered into a decent shape, Hae-won prepared other side dishes, pinching the back of his hand from time to time to suppress the relentless impulses. In his heart, he wanted to collapse and cry right then and there, but he couldn’t do that in front of Seo Hae-young. Around the time he was transferring the side dishes to clean bowls, a low voice pulled his gaze, which kept drifting toward the knife’s edge.

“Hey. Yoon Hae-won.”

Seo Hae-young, who had been silently washing and handing over ingredients, leaned back in a crooked posture and picked up a remaining piece of zucchini from the cutting board. The piece flew from his white fingers, hit the long faucet, and fell into the sink. It was an action full of dissatisfaction.

“Seriously, what is wrong with you?”

Seo Hae-young, who had remained silent throughout, pointed out the sudden change in attitude. Turning toward the dining table, Hae-won placed the bowls in their spots and fiddled with his wet hands. The same excuse as before slipped out.

“Just, because I’m hungry…”

“Stop lying. You’ve been acting fucking cute since a while ago. I’m asking why you’re doing this.”

Narrowing his eyes, Seo Hae-young brought up an absurd claim, acting as if he were interrogating a criminal. Hae-won couldn’t find the words to respond and looked away. He had never once acted “disgustingly cute.”

“You always treat people well right before you screw them over, don’t you?”

At that moment, another piece flew and hit his exposed arm before rolling onto the floor. Hae-won, who was merely gaping as he searched for words, took a step back and wiped his wet hands on his trousers.

“I… I just want us to… get along now. If you hate it, I won’t do it…”

As expected, it was an answer not much different from the previous one. The sentence, which he wasn’t sure would work on Seo Hae-young—who was not just firm but like a towering iron wall—robbed him of his confidence and made him bow his head. Seo Hae-young, still not casting aside his suspicion, scanned the body he had been sucking and licking until a moment ago. Unable to endure that gaze any longer, Hae-won reached out to turn off the light, but was stopped by a hand tapping the back of his hand.

Glancing at the back of the hand covered in nail marks, Seo Hae-young stroked the nape of Hae-won’s neck with a somewhat strange expression. It was an ambiguous face, impossible to tell if he was in a good or bad mood.

“It’s not that I hate it, but…”

As Hae-won just gauged the mood, Seo Hae-young casually approached him, stirred the appetizingly boiling stew with a small ladle, and held out a bowl with a bit of the broth.

“Try it.”

Flustered by the attitude that seemed to be changing the subject, Hae-won instinctively took the shallow bowl and tasted it. Having eaten only food that seemed bought from somewhere, the slightly bland taste felt lacking, but it wasn’t bad. However, since it wasn’t a taste that stimulated his appetite, he made an ambiguous expression. Watching him, Seo Hae-young pressed his lips to the edge of the bowl. After tasting the stew, Seo Hae-young raised an eyebrow and muttered in a flat tone.

“I am better at cooking.”

“…Is it that bad?”

“Why. Does it offend you?”

“No, if I just do this a little more…”

Hae-won hurriedly rummaged through the seasoning rack and picked up a glass jar. He dove in beside Seo Hae-young, who let out a hollow laugh of disbelief, and flipped the jar. White salt scattered softly into the stew, and just as he thought it was enough and went to flip the jar back, a large clump tumbled out.

“Oh…!”

As Hae-won let out a gasp and hurriedly grabbed the ladle, he stared blankly at the clump melting away before he could fish it out. Seo Hae-young leaned his chin on Hae-won’s stiff shoulder.

“Now you’re playing pranks with the food.”

“It… it might be okay…”

“Try it.”

The arm wrapped around his waist lifted his body slightly. Hae-won, whose heels rose and then touched the floor again, hesitated before tasting a bit of the stew that now contained a massive amount of salt.

“Is it ruined?”

“…A little.”

The hand holding the ladle was pulled back by the other hand. Embraced by Seo Hae-young, who was tasting the ruined stew, Hae-won waited anxiously for the verdict. Even as the other smacked his lips, the saltiness didn’t fade and his tongue stung, so he didn’t expect much, but a more blunt critique reached his ears than he had anticipated.

“It’s fucking salty.”

There was no room for rebuttal. Hae-won hurriedly brought a water bottle and replied in a small voice while pouring water bit by bit into the boiling stew.

“Ah, water. If I add water, it’ll be fine…”

“It’s going to become the Han River.”

Startled, Hae-won straightened the tilted bottle and looked blankly at the stew, which was now brimming to the point of overflowing, and gave an awkward laugh. He laughed because he felt hollow that his mind was so broken he couldn’t even get the measurements right for cooking he could have done with his eyes closed, or perhaps because Seo Hae-young’s laughter, as he chuckled at the pot-full of stew, felt sorrowful.

Why was everything so easy? Both the ruin of his life and the monotonous day with Seo Hae-young that he had longed for so much. He laughed because he never knew these things could be achieved so easily. He let out an awkward laugh, his vision blurring. If anything, it was a relief that his raw, red eyes wouldn’t show it even if he cried a few more times.

Hae-won, who had spent the intervening time barely eating or just pushing food into his mouth by force, sat across the table for the first time in a long while and had a proper meal. The side dishes were salty and the stew was bland, but just the fact that someone was eating with him made it a not-so-bad meal.

Hae-won temporarily suppressed his fear and hatred, struggling to bring up the emotions he used to have. Recalling moments that were joyful and happy, he pinched and scratched his thighs hidden under the table whenever gloomy thoughts occurred. Consequently, Seo Hae-young’s appearance as he recounted recent events in a nonchalant voice felt less frightening than usual, and although he couldn’t smile comfortably, he was able to smile awkwardly and add small reactions here and there. He didn’t quite understand what was being said, but on the surface, it looked plausible.

Occasionally, Seo Hae-young would look up and scan the emptying bowls and the awkward smile as if searching for something. Meeting that gaze, the thoughts of which he couldn’t know, Hae-won quickly looked down to hide his wavering emotions. After pushing all the heaped rice into his stomach and putting down his utensils, Seo Hae-young stood up from his chair and took the bowls. While glancing at Seo Hae-young’s bowl among the dishes being cleaned, Hae-won hesitated before speaking.

“Did you eat out?”

“What time do you think it is?”

Seo Hae-young, heading to the sink with a bowl that still had half the rice left, replied in a light tone. Hae-won hurriedly turned his head to find the clock. When he checked the time indicated by the clock on the wall, he took a short breath. The clock hands were racing toward midnight. Realizing the time he hadn’t been thinking about at all, his bloated stomach stung.

Hae-won, who sat still in his chair waiting until the dishes were finished, could no longer stay above ground and went down to the basement. Seo Hae-young only tapped his shoulder once without a word, but Hae-won knew exactly what that meant. He brushed his teeth, lay flat on the bed, and blinked his clear eyes a few times. With one blink, dawn drew near; with another, time flowed by. Then, the door without a latch clicked open. Pushing himself up from the bed, Hae-won stared blankly at the tall shadow descending the stairs.

“I’m staying the night. I’m sleepy.”

Crossing the room in comfortable clothes, Seo Hae-young announced that he would stay for the day, just like in the past. There was no reason to refuse. Hae-won naturally cleared the bed and stepped back toward the wall, but Seo Hae-young stood by the wardrobe with a blunt expression.

“You want to sleep separately? Between people who are dating?”

“Ah, sorry…”

Hae-won, looking down at the bed in a flurry, frowned slightly. It was exactly the kind of size where one would roll off even if they slept close together. Having no choice, he moved the blanket from the bed to the floor as he always had, and Seo Hae-young approached without hesitation and lay down. When Hae-won slightly supported the head resting on the bare floor and slid a pillow underneath, the expressionless face was colored with a faint smile.

“You lie down too.”

Following Seo Hae-young, who had pulled the pillow out and lay with his head on the edge, Hae-won slowly lay down. His joints creaked against the floor covered by a single thin mat, but it wasn’t that uncomfortable. As he rested his head on the end of the plush pillow, they faced each other at a distance so close their noses almost touched.

It seemed Seo Hae-young was also unable to fall asleep. His skin, cast in the shadow of the bars, glowed white under the moonlight, and his black pupils sent a steady gaze. Unable to avoid the gaze that felt binding, Hae-won looked into his eyes, and the lips that curled beautifully at the corners parted.

“Hae-won.”

“…Yes?”

As soon as he answered reflexively, the distance between them closed instantly. Their noses rubbed together, and a soft sensation touched his parted lips before pulling away. Then, with a short distance between them, his name was called once more.

“Yoon Hae-won.”

“Yes.”

Once again, the pillowcase rustled as their lips lightly met. Leaving behind a ticklish smacking sound, Seo Hae-young pulled away, smiling as if embarrassed, yet without breaking eye contact.

Hae-won wanted to ask if he had perhaps drunk some alcohol in the meantime, but the atmosphere wasn’t right for that. He was in a position where he had to cater to the other’s mood, not one where he could ask freely. After averting his gaze and looking down for a moment, Hae-won looked up and whispered his name.

“…Hae-young.”

At that, Seo Hae-young closed his eyes as if he had been waiting. It wasn’t that he intended to do the same thing, but since the upturned corners of the other’s mouth held expectation, he had no choice but to pull his head forward and lightly press their lips together. As he delivered the playful kiss, the closed eyelids slowly lifted.

“What.”

He asked why, but the range of what could be asked was predetermined. He wore a smile as if he would listen to anything, but unfortunately, the other was highly temperamental. This temporary kindness could vanish without a trace when the sun rose, or perhaps it could last for about a week.

However, Hae-won decided to brave the fear and cross the predetermined boundary to go back to the past. His bloated stomach had settled, Seo Hae-young’s voice as they shared a pillow was tender, and the end was approaching. It was a dawn where he could be a little more honest.

“At first, at the very beginning…”

His lips, opened with difficulty, hesitated, unable to easily bring up the past. Even though the introduction grew long as he worried if he remembered correctly or how to organize it, Seo Hae-young waited patiently, blinking his eyes slowly. Empowered by the strange calmness and silence brought by the dawn, Hae-won slowly unfolded the events of two years ago.

The times he had often kissed a sleeping Seo Hae-young and the moment he was caught; the threats exchanged in the study; the first experience with a friend on a midsummer’s day; the heart he had no choice but to hide; and the messy path he had trodden, drawing in another person in a fit of stubbornness, until he arrived here.

The days that had been so agonizing he felt as if he were coughing up blood while suppressing them in his heart now flowed out in a quiet, steady tone.

“I was scared… that you’d hate me… That’s why…”

As the story he had been unable to tell—his mouth blocked, his opportunities stripped away—finally came to a close, sleep, which had fled, strangely crept back. It was as if he had stayed awake just to say these words. No response came, but since he hadn’t spoken to hear an answer, he simply let his eyelids fall.

Perhaps Seo Hae-young had known everything all along. He likely knew and tormented him sufficiently regardless. Like someone confessing their guilt long after the fact, Hae-won had simply wanted to unburden himself to the person involved. Just as his erratic breathing began to steady, a low voice pierced through his slumber and seeped into his ear.

“Did you do that often?”

“…Huh?”

“Doing weird things while I was asleep.”

Without opening his eyes, Hae-won nodded a few times. The questions continued.

“Why did you do it?”

“…Because I liked you.”

“You should have told me.”

“…And if I had?”

“I probably would’ve beaten the shit out of you.”

It was such a typical Seo Hae-young response that a genuine laugh escaped him for the first time in a long while. Just as he was about to reply that he had hidden it precisely because he feared that, the drowsy voice stretched out slowly.

“And… we would’ve eaten delicious food, gone out, kissed, and had sex.”

“…You’d still hit me, though.”

“If you didn’t listen.”

Lips that had drifted close in the meantime delivered a contradictory whisper. Half-asleep, Hae-won giggled. The other man laughed along with him, their touching lips brushing ticklishly.

Every time their lips brushed, the numerous objects and people Seo Hae-young had thrown away flashed through his mind. Black gloves, a swimming pool shimmering in blue, friends he once hung out with, all sorts of instruments and hobbies. Times cast into a trash bin, unlike himself, who had remained by his side for over a decade. He presumed he had been placed in a different space than them—a position where he had to endure torment in exchange for a slightly longer expiration date.

Hae-won felt a vague affection within the contradiction of being sometimes tender and sometimes sadistic. He was too afraid to call it love, so “affection” felt appropriate. He also realized that the directions their respective affections pointed toward were too different to ever overlap.

That was why he was satisfied with this much. As the lingering regrets that had shackled his ankles dissolved, a blooming courage filled the void.

That dawn, Hae-won did not wake up screaming. He saw no hallucinations, spoke no nonsense, and fell into a very deep sleep. Because of that, Seo Hae-young, who always slept lightly, was able to sleep more comfortably than ever, held in a warm embrace. Like the old days when every moment was happy, they shared a single blanket in the corner of a room, dreaming entirely different dreams.

* * *

After the dawn of ticklish kisses scattered like a dream, ordinary days followed. Hae-won continued to wait for Seo Hae-young in his place. By “his place,” he meant the narrow bed. He lay still and did nothing until Seo Hae-young arrived. Then, when Seo Hae-young came, they would sleep together, eat dinner, and sleep on the floor. Since he did nothing to provoke him, he wasn’t beaten, except for the times they were intimate.

Within the peaceful routine, every time Hae-won obtained something he had dreamed of, he cut away a piece of his lingering regret. As Seo Hae-young’s smiles increased, Hae-won’s ankles grew lighter.

Then, one rainy morning, Seo Hae-young strode down the stairs, grabbed the arm of the curled-up, sleeping Hae-won, and yanked him awake. As Hae-young grinned while tidying Hae-won’s disheveled hair, Hae-won swayed helplessly, unable to even open his eyes properly. Due to the increasingly hot and humid weather, the skin under his touch felt sticky. Fond of the sensation that subtly stirred his libido, Seo Hae-young stroked the long arm before remembering the person waiting in front of the house and lightly tapped the dazed Hae-won’s cheek.

“Wash up and get dressed.”

“Huh…?”

“You said you wanted to go.”

The villa.

The low whisper was a ripple. Eyes that had been closing repeatedly snapped open, and his sunken consciousness awakened in an instant. Waking up, Hae-won turned his head to look beyond the bars. Raindrops were tapping against the window. It was the beginning of the late summer monsoon.

The countless scars decorating the legs stretched out beneath the fluttering hem of his pants spoke of the time that had passed. Seo Hae-young’s attire, as he brushed away the hair tickling Hae-won’s forehead, was as light as it had been that day. Slipping into slippers that left a gap at the heel, Hae-won wiggled his bare feet and leaned his back against the cold front door. As his protruding shoulder blades were pressed, a stinging sensation wrapped around his spine.

“We’re only staying for one night. I couldn’t reach Joo Hyun-woo, so he’s not coming… but Go Tae-gyeom said he’d come.”

Judging by the grumpy tone, it didn’t seem as though things had been settled in a very amicable atmosphere. He had brought it up, but since he hadn’t harbored much hope that he would actually be taken along, Hae-won stood at the entrance, utterly bewildered.

Seo Hae-young had likely contacted them abruptly and just blurted out what he wanted. As for Go Tae-gyeom… he didn’t know what he was thinking. Whether he still felt guilt, or if it was a decision he could make because he had forgotten everything.

Fiddling with a deep scar in the center of his palm, Hae-won obediently answered every instruction Seo Hae-young gave without argument. Narrowing his eyes as if Hae-won’s somewhat vacant expression was unreliable, Seo Hae-young pinched his cheek hard and kissed his crooked lower lip.

“Behave yourself. Got it?”

He nodded obediently, but sometimes he wondered how he appeared in Seo Hae-young’s eyes. Just what kind of sight must he be that the man had turned his back on ten years of their shared time in an instant, never giving him a single chance to make things right.

However, having learned the hard way that asking would only turn the arrow back toward himself, Hae-won simply bowed his head and slowly turned around. Only after turning his back to Seo Hae-young did their pressed lips part.

“…Are we riding in the same car?”

“Hardly.”

Sneering as if told to say something that made sense, Seo Hae-young gave a short suck to the exposed nape of his neck. While swallowing dryly and accepting the familiar contact, a white hand resting on the door handle moved downward. The door, which had felt so heavy when he ventured out alone, now opened easily.

Drizzling raindrops bounced off his exposed legs. As he reached out his hand to the still thin stream of rain, a black umbrella draped over his head blocked the rain. Seo Hae-young, wrapping a firm arm around his shoulder, pulled the lethargic body close.

Sharing one umbrella, Hae-won gazed blankly at the gloomy garden and sky, like someone leaving home for the first time in his life. Rain hitting green leaves, a humid breeze brushing his cheek, a grey cloudy sky… Weather that was no different from any other monsoon felt strangely novel today, and his eyes wandered here and there.

When he stopped in his tracks, unable to move, the arm around his shoulder tightened slightly. Embraced by Seo Hae-young, who walked slowly to match his slightly limping gait, Hae-won moved forward, stepping on the garden that would be shallowly submerged by tomorrow.

As they passed through the main gate where he had collapsed and rolled around numerous times, the back of a man standing by a rain-soaked car appeared. Leaning an umbrella against his shoulder and lighting a cigarette, the man was exhaling smoke mixed with sighs, as if the long wait were making him anxious. The fluffy white smoke sank downward, absorbing moisture before it could scatter into the air. The cigarette butts scattered on the ground explained the man’s state of mind, lending weight to the hypothesis that he still felt guilt. While the gaze fixed on the asphalt looked up, Seo Hae-young brought his lips to Hae-won’s ear and whispered softly.

“He said he wanted to see you.”

The deep-diving voice tickled his eardrum. When Hae-won flinched and pulled back, Seo Hae-young met his eyes and continued the playful whisper. ‘He came by before… but he couldn’t find you.’ Then, with a grin, he pulled the body that had stepped away and shut the gate with a loud clang.

Hearing the sound he had been waiting for, the man turned around. Gazes intertwined through the sinking smoke. The dry gaze lingered briefly on the pale face before moving to the bruised knees, and then landed on Seo Hae-young, who was nonchalantly fiddling with the earlobe marked by bite marks. The low-muttered curse was full of disbelief, enough to guess how much Seo Hae-young had been grating on his nerves.

“Send the address. I’ll follow.”

“Why the hell are you coming?”

Tae-gyeom snorted and asked back in an irritated tone. Fixing his gaze on the bumpy asphalt where rainwater flowed, Hae-won repeatedly pinched the back of his hand in the tension-filled air.

“He says he wants to go, so what can I do? He has to go.”

“No, fuck, not you. Yoon Hae-won, you tell me.”

Meeting Tae-gyeom’s eyes, Hae-won kept his mouth shut and checked Seo Hae-young’s reaction. If he upset him here, it was certain he wouldn’t even get in the car and would be sent back to the basement. He didn’t want that. As he lowered his eyes again and just fiddled with his hands, Tae-gyeom asked back in an agitated voice, wondering what he was thinking.

“…Are you still beating the kid?”

“Occasionally?”

At Seo Hae-young’s brazen answer, Tae-gyeom chewed on a curse and took a large step forward, and Hae-won instinctively blocked his path. His body instinctively shrank, and his eyes shut tight. Even if he had developed a tolerance, being hit was still terrifying.

“Don’t… don’t do it…”

As he replied softly, the fist with protruding veins dropped down before it could reach his face. Looking down with slightly widened eyes at Hae-won, who had suddenly blocked him as if to protect him, Seo Hae-young laughed silently, glancing at the distorted expression.

“I… I can’t keep living like this forever… That’s why I want to go. I’m getting along well with Hae-young, and I’m okay…”

The incoherent answer from Hae-won’s mouth brought opposite emotions to the two men. Seo Hae-young smiled, curling the corners of his mouth, while Tae-gyeom, wearing a bewildered expression, soon let out a hollow laugh. Throwing away the long cigarette between his fingers, Tae-gyeom returned to the driver’s seat, leaving behind a sense of futility.

“I fucking have no idea anymore…”

As soon as the door slammed shut, the sound of the engine from the car echoed through the damp alley. By the time he climbed into Seo Hae-young’s car—not knowing how long it had been since he last rode in it—he was already exhausted.

Having shut the passenger door firmly, Seo Hae-young leaned over the steering wheel as soon as he got into the driver’s seat, staring intently with eyes filled with amusement, and kissed him once. Wiping his sore, bitten lips with the back of his hand, Hae-won forcibly erased the gaze containing subtle euphoria and faded affection from his mind. While he looked down at the bloodstain on the back of his hand, the heavy tires began to roll through the rainy road.

Pressed against the car window, Hae-won gazed blankly until the receding house vanished from sight. The house, where only the second-floor balcony was glimpsed through the high wall, filled his bright eyes. As they turned the corner and the house was no longer visible, Hae-won placed the bag Seo Hae-young had handed him in the backseat and lay slanted, gently rubbing his solar plexus, which was filled with emptiness. He felt lonely and sorrowful, and then eventually, he felt nothing at all.

Forced awake earlier than usual, Hae-won repeatedly drifted off to sleep and woke up. Seo Hae-young, who started conversations with trivial talk, seemed to find the intermittent answers amusing, chuckling as he covered Hae-won’s eyes with his palm. The hand that stroked his cheek after lowering his eyelids was gentle. As he let his body relax, the sound of rain hitting the window gradually faded.

Hae-won’s consciousness floated like duckweed atop the surging drowsiness. He swayed here and there, wandering and meeting countless people. He met his father, who gave him a toy upon returning to his senses, and then the neighbor uncle who shared dinner. He passed by friends and teachers whose names he couldn’t remember and met Joo Hyun-woo and Go Tae-gyeom in school uniforms. He met Seo Ga-young and Joo Hyun-jeong, familiar guests and the ticket office clerk, and then Seung-wan, the General Manager, and Lee Hee-sung. Everyone was smiling. As if they were happy. Hae-won could not blend in, observing from a step away before drifting again.

Finally reaching the destination, at the end of the infinitely stretching road, Seo Hae-young was waiting. Standing with the brilliant light behind him, all that was visible was his coolly curved lips. A smile reminiscent of their first meeting flowed undulatingly. With nowhere left to go, as he stood still, his consciousness floated into the air.

The rainy front is moving north, and the first monsoon rain of the year has begun. Heavy rain warnings have been issued for the East Coast region, with strong rain accompanied by gusts expected from tonight. Please be careful to avoid damage…

The fairly loud radio volume drowned out the sound of rain hitting the window and awakened his hazy mind. Slowly opening his eyes, Hae-won curled his fingers, which felt heavy and powerless, to shake off the sticky drowsiness. As he slowly clenched and unclenched his hands and looked around, the surroundings were dark despite it being early afternoon. Hearing a rustling sound, Seo Hae-young turned off the radio and picked a pointless fight.

“I really didn’t think you’d sleep that much.”

“Sorry…”

“Nah. It was boring and nice.”

In the words spoken while tapping the steering wheel, a prank disguised as a complaint was evident. Straightening his limp body, Hae-won hesitated before reaching out and sliding his hand beneath Seo Hae-young’s palm. As the warm palm covered the back of his hand, which was marred by ugly nail marks, a strange atmosphere bloomed. It was a different feeling from when they mixed their bodies and touched skin countless times. A slightly more ticklish, slightly more awkward air heated the inside of the car speeding down the highway.

Glancing at the passenger seat, Seo Hae-young silently curled his fingers, gripping with moderate strength. Their fingers intertwined. Instead of uttering hurtful words, Hae-won looked at Seo Hae-young, who was gently stroking his nails, and smiled faintly. His heart felt so tight it hurt, making it hard to breathe.

The car, which had driven straight without stopping for a break, entered the path leading to the villa, sending thick mud flying in all directions and leaving dirty tire tracks. Sensing the arrival, Hae-won turned his head to look up at the sky hanging at the edge of the car window. Gloomy grey clouds obscured the sun.

“We’re here.”

The car stopped, and the engine cut off. Swallowing the saliva pooling on his tongue, Hae-won slowly lifted his gaze from his knees. The villa, which had gnawed at his mind like a worm, revealed itself in full view.

A drained swimming pool filled with rainwater, glass windows locked in darkness without a single point of leaking light, and tree branches swaying in all directions. The villa, soaked in the dismal rain, was different from the image of the past held in his memory, and different from a nightmare. Unable to find any similarities to the villa he had faced under the scorching summer sun, a strange unfamiliarity tickled his stomach.

“How does it feel, being back?”

Having pulled out the car key, Seo Hae-young leaned back against the seat and asked indifferently. Hae-won curled the corners of his mouth into an awkward smile and turned his head.

“…I think it’s okay.”

Adding a thank you as if talking to himself, Hae-won moved his trembling hand to open the closed car door. A fierce, bleak rain and wind rushed in, messing up his hair. His steps toward the villa, which had been waiting in the same spot for the past two years with its red maw wide open, were neither heavy nor light. Discovering tree branches crumbling along the wind over the shoulder of Seo Hae-young, who belatedly held an umbrella over him, Hae-won lowered his exhausted eyes.

He suddenly remembered Tae-gyeom grumbling once that the mountains were rugged, so there was only one way in and out. He knew exactly why that thought had suddenly occurred today. This time, it was absolutely no coincidence.

* * *

Lights turned on in every single corner brightly lit the uninhabited mountainside. Tae-gyeom, who had driven away the darkness from everywhere Hae-won’s feet touched—from the second-floor bathroom to the dining room and the balcony—flipped over his phone, which was piling up with messages asking for his whereabouts, and buried his face in both hands. Displeasure sat like a heavy burden atop the fatigue brought on by the long drive.

There are moments when, just as you’re about to get better, everything becomes a mess. Someone’s birthday, a certain season, a slippery texture. Moments that trigger a chain of collisions lurk everywhere, waiting for their chance to suddenly unearth the past. Today was such a day. Following the bruised knees, the unchanged scenery of the living room revived the guilt he had lived forgetting for a while. The residue of emotion that occasionally kept him awake and eventually brought him here once again triggered a tedious headache.

“Fuck…”

Tae-gyeom brushed back his hair irritably, exhaled a deep breath, and sank his back into the sofa. Turning his stiff neck, he spotted Hae-won sitting with his back to him near the window. With one large window—which served as a door—half-open, Hae-won sat perched on the sill, crouching in a posture that made his frame look even smaller, staring blankly at the raining scenery. Despite the fact that they had stepped foot into the villa, he hadn’t moved an inch from that spot since they arrived.

Tae-gyeom knew well that simply showing up unannounced and looking around wouldn’t solve anything. And he knew that he was one of the people who had helped create that past.

Hae-won’s hunched, breathless back looked as if he were waiting for something, but no matter how much Tae-gyeom racked his brain, he couldn’t understand it. It would have been better if Hae-won had run around with a knife, screaming that he’d kill them all; instead, Hae-won always dug deeper and deeper into himself. Slashing his palms, scratching his skin—he always wounded himself rather than others. It was frustrating, yet heartbreaking. That was why it was even more unsettling.

His anxious gaze naturally drifted to the opposite side. Seo Hae-young, who had arrived following them, was simply leaning back comfortably, tapping away at his phone. He took a few calls and flipped through a book he had brought, but occasionally looked up to check on Hae-won’s condition. He was likely thinking the same thing as Tae-gyeom.

What exactly was he thinking? Since the party concerned wouldn’t open his mouth, there was no way to know. Consequently, the atmosphere was starkly different from two years ago. Unlike that day when everything was dismissed, suppressed, and thrown aside, everything now depended on Hae-won’s will. Waiting until he reached a decision was the task assigned to Seo Hae-young and Go Tae-gyeom. In the silence, the clock hands ticked away.

By the time Hae-won finally stood up, the sun had set and the monsoon rains had begun in earnest. It was a time when the torrential downpour, as if to sweep away the entire world, isolated the three of them in one space.

“……Hae-young.”

After that slender call, Tae-gyeom was left alone. Leaving only a faint scent as he brushed past, Hae-won ascended the stairs with Seo Hae-young. Tae-gyeom, who had stood up to follow, had no choice but to sit back down. Hae-won’s face, pale as if he might faint at any moment, shook its head as if telling him not to. He forced strength into his legs, which twitched with the urge to follow and grab him, and simply continued to smoke. The stairs, which allowed no sound to drift down, accelerated his anxiety, making it impossible to stay still for a moment.

After crushing the cigarette butt, Tae-gyeom fiddled with a small piece of metal in his pocket before hauling his heavy body up. There was one more reason he had to come here, aside from Hae-won’s request.

Tae-gyeom hesitated for a moment in front of the dresser before inserting the piece of metal into the keyhole. As the slightly rusted key turned, the lock released easily, and the long-neglected drawer opened. Following the downward pull, photos gathered in the corner scattered across the empty bottom of the drawer. The last photo—one taken every year during their visits—caught his eye. In the photo where everyone was smiling except for one person, the past that had driven Hae-won to the edge of a cliff was vividly captured. His mouth tasted bitter.

With a hardened expression, Tae-gyeom organized the photos and threw them into a glass ashtray. There was no hesitation in his hand as he picked up the lighter from the table and set the edges ablaze. Confirming the small spark of fire, Tae-gyeom absorbed the shameless sense of deprivation and guilt with his entire body.

As the sparks crackled, burning away the traces and swallowing the face stained with semen, a seizure—which hadn’t appeared recently—swallowed Hae-won. The spreading fire burned his pale body black from the tips of his toes upward.

Two steps. Hae-won collapsed just two steps away from the bedroom, where the sea was clearly visible through the front window. The vague fear turned the time he had spent trying to calm his confusion while watching the rain into nothing.

The memories of that day were not an illusion that could be forgotten by bravely facing them. They were not a nightmare that vanished upon waking. Rapid breaths scorched his lungs, and uncontrollable tremors bound his legs. Soon, a cacophony of tinnitus clashed in his ears, exploding into a loud noise.

Get up. Have you repented? You love this kind of thing. You gonna throw a fit just because you got hit a bit? You love being hit. You should’ve told me sooner. I could’ve let you take my cock. It’s a bit loose now. Use your mouth. You want to use it? Suck it. You’re good at sucking. It’ll be over soon, you want to drag it out? Hae-won, be a bit smarter.

“Ah, haah……! Heugh……!”

Don’t cum inside. Feels like shit. You feel sorry for him? Just give him some money. Ah, Hae-won has to go to college. Can he even go? Fuck, then you just live with him. That’s fucking hilarious. What’s the use? Hey, give me that. Why? I want to put it in. Hae-won. Yoon Hae-won. Fuck, Hae-won! Yoon Hae-won!

Names were shouted from all directions. The voices urging him to snap out of it and open his mouth, to spread his legs, shifted from one person to countless others. Hurriedly covering his ears with both hands, Hae-won scrambled backward on his backside.

He had underestimated the past. He thought he could face it calmly now, but the moment he realized it was a naive delusion, the added shock struck the back of his head. Before he could put strength into his sliding feet and push off the floor to create enough distance, his path was blocked. Seo Hae-young, standing in the way of his retreat, bent his knees and lightly tapped Hae-won’s tense back.

“You said if you looked at it properly, we could get along. We have to get along.”

“Hah……! Wait, ah……!”

“I’ll help you.”

Bending his waist, Seo Hae-young forcibly pried away the hands covering Hae-won’s ears and gripped his wrists. As the grip—which he couldn’t shake off no matter how much he flailed his arms—pulled his wrists, his knees dragged across the dustless floor. He pleaded “Wait” several times through gasping breaths, but the long legs strode forward without hesitation. The hand leading him toward the bathroom was merciless, as if he had waited long enough.

“Pl, heugh, please……! Just a moment…….”

As the open bathroom came into view, his heart beat as if it would burst, and his surroundings became a chaotic blur. Pale with terror, Hae-won instinctively scratched at the hand gripping his wrist. It was a reflexive rejection, even though he knew well that doing so wouldn’t free him. Naturally, Seo Hae-young did not wait any longer.

Throwing Hae-won, who was letting out gasping, aching moans, into the bathroom, Seo Hae-young stroked the back of his hand where blood showed through the scratches from the fingernails. Meanwhile, Hae-won retreated beneath the sink, curling his body into a ball and hugging his folded legs. As he perceived the smooth texture and cool temperature against the soles of his feet, tremors bloomed to the tips of his hair. Even the brightly lit lights were like rakes clawing at his entire body. He couldn’t get past Seo Hae-young, who was blocking the exit, and he couldn’t look up, so he buried his face in his knees and repeatedly reminded himself of what he had to do.

“Ah, heugh, hah…….”

However, the gasps for air urged a learned obedience. His weak and submissive nature wavered without conviction in the face of fear. He wanted to beg, saying it was all a lie, to let him out of here now, to save him.

He was scared to death, but he had to carve into his heart that if not today, this opportunity would never come again. Closing his eyes tightly and then opening them, Hae-won gripped his wrists hard and lifted his head. As his short nails dug into his pale skin, the feet that had been strolling around the dry bathroom came to a sudden halt. Seo Hae-young, lowering his gaze, stared blankly at Hae-won—who was trembling violently yet did not say he wanted to leave—before slowly bending his knees to sit.

“Is it very hard?”

Cupping Hae-won’s face, Seo Hae-young asked, “Why are you crying again?” as he wiped away the moisture with his thumb, brushing against the wet eyelashes. The soft touch and voice, sounding almost annoyed, were a rare display of kindness. That kindness, which he had once loved so much, drew out a clumsy confession. Giving a slight nod with his stiff neck to answer the question, Hae-won could not retreat from Seo Hae-young, who approached within a span of a hand.

Taking advantage of the moment when the uncontrollable past gripped his ankles, the thumb that had wiped the moisture entered between his parted lips. Pushing his thumb deep past the wounded lips, Seo Hae-young began to speak while stroking the even lower teeth.

“I was curious. Why you’re suddenly acting like this, why it had to be here, things like that. But I couldn’t really tell. Looking at you now…… I don’t think much will change.”

The drawn-out tone, as if stalling for time, sounded louder than the noisy tinnitus. And the sound of the showerhead tapping against the tiles echoed even louder than his tone. By the time the amplifying noise gouged into his ear canals in a sharp form, the shadow blocking the light vanished. When he lifted his head to find the towering Seo Hae-young, Hae-won recalled a dream that reminded him of their first meeting. The mass of light hanging behind the fully grown Seo Hae-young was so intense it was blinding, so he couldn’t turn his head away even as the cold water spraying from the shower drenched his face.

Water droplets clung to the tips of his hair and dripped down. Hae-won, his eyes wide, trembled violently, unable to even ask why he was suddenly doing this.

“While waiting……. I did some thinking.”

Seo Hae-young, who had rested the dripping showerhead on the tub, opened the conversation by saying he had a good idea. Following that, a sophistry that made one frown flowed from his reddish lips. The calm manner of speaking made the unbelievable story sound plausible, and Hae-won finally had no choice but to admit it.

“Wouldn’t it be okay if you just remembered it completely differently? In reality, you only did it with me back then. While those guys were playing among themselves, we had sex here. Then it’s good for both of us.”

Seo Hae-young was consistent. Consistently selfish and cruel.

“Those guys are just friends you’ve lost touch with now, and we’re the ones who keep seeing each other. Then you had friends, and you didn’t cheat. We both did it for the first time here. How about that?”

He didn’t feel resentful. It was better than being bewitched by kindness given as if it were charity. Seo Hae-young, lightly touching Hae-won’s trembling chin with his fingertip, pulled the corners of his mouth into a smirk.

“Think about it carefully. This is the right way.”

Hae-won lowered his wet eyelashes and closed his eyes. He was now sick to death of Seo Hae-young.

* * *

Screams like moans, the sound of groins colliding, and rough breathing mingled, echoing loudly through the windowless bathroom. The thin elastic shorts were pulled down, and the back of his head thudded repeatedly against the bathroom ledge. With his arms hanging limp, Hae-won was shaken violently, held by the hands gripping his waist. When the two hands tightened and pulled his waist, the menacingly erect penis pushed deep into the cleft of his buttocks, and when his waist was pushed away, the inner walls were dragged out along with the withdrawing penis. The shoulder blades supporting his weight turned red. No matter how difficult it was, his legs, which habitually wrapped around Seo Hae-young’s waist, convulsed in a rigid state, shaking wherever he was shaken.

Seo Hae-young focused on ramming his penis into the organs without any foreplay or technique, literally like someone having sex for the first time. He ravaged the insides, filling the belly without distinguishing between sensitive areas and painful ones. As the hip movements, hurried by his own greed, continued, the buttocks tightened. Along with the words to relax, the palm pressing hard against the belly conveyed a breathless pressure, but nothing here went according to his will. Not only was the wet T-shirt clinging to his upper body as heavy as a piece of iron, making it impossible to move, but the auditory hallucinations of the door closing or water dripping brought about a distant dizziness.

“Hah, aaagh……! Heugh, uugh……!”

“If we do this……, it’ll be okay. This is the right way.”

Even though he didn’t want it, every time the stiffly erect penis slapped against his dry belly skin, his stomach—empty from vomiting everything out—heaved and churned. Even as he gagged and had seizures, the relentlessly driving penis gripped and shook his windpipe. His two eyes, bloodshot as if he were about to shed tears of blood, could capture nothing and swam through a past where the order was all jumbled up.

Just as the inescapable hallucinations called forth a scream, their groins collided and pressed together without a gap. In an instant, his mind went blank, and a violent pleasure overwhelmed him.

“Haa-eugh!”

Convulsing, Hae-won ejaculated, his hole twitching and tightening around the penis. The ejaculation was long. The semen, which repeatedly flowed out and stopped, was closer to incontinence than ejaculation. A pleasure so overwhelming that he wanted to roll on the floor and twist his legs pricked his skin.

“Haaa……, aaah…….”

“Does it feel good? Hmm?”

Leaning his upper body down, Seo Hae-young bit painfully into the nipples that had peaked under the wet T-shirt.

“Haa-eu……!”

As even the pain of hard teeth chewing into the sensitive area felt sweet, saliva pooled in his open mouth and flowed down his cheek.

“I’m asking if it feels good. It feels good, doesn’t it, Hae-won? You love doing this with me, right?”

Seo Hae-young, who executed his sophistry without hesitation, poured out violent acts while repeatedly asking if it felt good. The erect penis and the flushed skin answered for him, but that wasn’t enough. Lifting Hae-won’s waist, who was gasping and unable to form proper sentences, Seo Hae-young violently drove in his yet-to-ejaculate penis and lifted the thigh that was covered in bite marks. Beneath the action of repeatedly adjusting his posture and urging him to wrap his legs around his waist, there was an urgency that even he hadn’t noticed.

“Hae-won. Fuck, just…….”

But even when he grabbed the limp, trembling wrists and placed them on his shoulders, Hae-won did not embrace his neck sorrowfully as he had the night before. The lower abdomen drenched in semen and the inner walls biting in hotly were the same, but a strange anxiety heated his head. There was no vitality in the corpse-like appearance of moaning and reacting as taught. Though his eyes were open, it was no different from having them closed. The more anxious he became, the rougher the hip movements became, and the wider the range of his biting. But nothing changed. Only then did he turn his gaze outside the bathroom.

“Ah……, fuck, seriously…….”

Eventually, Seo Hae-young dragged Hae-won out of the bathroom and pinned him down with his entire body. As he fixed the two wrists—now nothing but bone—to the floor and thrust upward, Hae-won’s chest heaved greatly, and a gasp of breath burst out. His legs twitched, brushing against the thighs wrapped in clothing, and clumsily wrapped around the waist. With a faint smile, Seo Hae-young drove his hips down faster and harder than usual. The movement, which thrust so hard that the back heaved and was pushed back, was a pitiful act, as if he wanted to define their unstable relationship while craving the body.

The person biting the nape of the neck while pushing in the hot flesh didn’t realize it, but to Hae-won, who was fully absorbing the violent gestures, the edge of an uncontrollably spreading emotion was faintly grasped. That must be why he asked a question that wasn’t really necessary.

“Back then too, did you… h-hate… ah-euk… did you do it because you liked it?”

The clumsy sentence leaked out in a small voice. Because the voice was so small and mumbling, it could have been buried by the sound of skin clashing, but Seo Hae-young, as if he had understood, slowed his violent movements. However, there was no answer in return. Hae-won, struggling to keep up with the slow but still powerfully thrusting hip movements, continued to ask questions mixed with gasps.

“We…… hugh! We’ve always, liked each other, right?”

He wanted an answer to the abuse poured upon him in this villa that summer. He wanted an answer to Go Tae-gyeom binding his resisting arms while entering between his legs, and an answer to the indifference toward Joo Hyun-woo entering and leaving the bathroom. He was curious about Seo Hae-young’s true feelings. He wanted to hear a convincing answer as to why they had to go that far. He wanted to hear the answer to the question whispered in his ear long ago. Since it was the last time, he thought he might be able to hear it.

“Each other, since a long time ago……. Hah……! Did we… l-like… each other……?”

Releasing the wrists he had been gripping as if to break them, the arms that embraced the waist and nape conveyed a suffocating pressure. Embraced without any room to escape, Hae-won asked and asked again Seo Hae-young, who buried his face in the nape and thrust his hips without pause. Maintaining silence while frantically thrusting his hips, Seo Hae-young ejaculated deep into the hole that had been entered countless times and pressed his lips against his ear.

It was the left ear again. Into the ear that couldn’t catch the sound, and into the result he had created with his own hands, he breathed in an answer. It was a whisper that felt like peeling away the skin layer by layer. The breath brushing against the earlobe was more stimulating than the dull ache rising from the splayed pelvis. Hae-won, his waist lifting and twitching, took the merciless pleasure head-on. It was a pleasure that poured out despair.

Under the hand gripping the back of his neck, the silver bracelet around his wrist struck the floor, letting out a clear ring. That sound felt like an answer to a question whispered in his ear long ago; even though he heard nothing, he knew. A sense of despair, stronger than the self-loathing that follows a beastly coupling, burst through the accumulated pus.

And now, there were three things to choose.

When, where, and how.

It was only three things, but it was everything.

It took only a fleeting moment to push away the weight pressing down on his body. Whitish semen stretched out from the withdrawing member. Hae-won let his tears overflow like a broken dam, shivering as he pulled his knees together.

The wrinkled hole, which gave a distant sensation without ever tiring, was so disgusting that he gagged and rolled on the floor. He kicked away the hand grasping his ankle and pushed away the lips kissing his shoulder, struggling in agony for a long time. When he finally opened his eyes, the display cabinet had overturned, and the bedsheets were sprawled across the floor. He heard the sound of footsteps hurriedly ascending the stairs. The end was approaching.

He felt as if he had screamed, or perhaps wailed. Not knowing what had called Tae-gyeom, or what had thrown Seo Hae-young into a panic, he slammed his head against the floor repeatedly.

Just as Seo Hae-young reached out to cup his forehead against the floor and Tae-gyeom stepped into the wrecked room, Hae-won firmly gripped a piece of porcelain he touched and swung it. The tinnitus, which had been creating a terrible noise in a chaotic blur, vanished beneath the loud crash of a white vase shattering.

The porcelain, struck against the corner of the fallen cabinet, smashed into pieces. Sharp shards rained down onto the floor, and a small piece embedded itself in his scarred palm. No one was hit. The only thing filling the air was the rough sound of Hae-won’s breathing as he gasped and panted after his outburst.

“Yoon Hae-won!”

There was no need to distinguish who had called his name. Hae-won shook off the hands grabbing his shoulders and forearms and crawled across the floor. Tiny shards embedded themselves into his bruised knees, and blood welled up, but it didn’t hurt at all. When he finally picked up a large shard of porcelain, a strange sense of relief washed over him. He felt as if he could breathe if he just sliced open his skin and let the rotten blood drain out.

Before he could stop himself, the sharpest point of the shard headed for his throat, but he wasn’t given the chance to carve into his skin.

“Ugh…!”

The wrist holding the shard was seized, and another hand gripped his hair, pulling him backward. A palm covered his throat as if strangling him, pressing firmly down on the shallow wound where blood was seeping out.

Hae-won was held in Seo Hae-young’s arms while his arm was pinned by Tae-gyeom. The hands binding his arm and neck both possessed such strong grip that he was rendered immobile and forced to be stopped. Against the broad chest, he could feel the thumping of a heart and the tremors traveling up his wrist. The silence, permeated by a strange atmosphere, was different from two years ago. The two men did not exchange glances, and neither stepped forward first. Only the captured Hae-won rolled his bloodshot eyes.

As he felt the uncomfortable air and hostility that filled the villa’s living room, and the greed of the two men who refused to cooperate even in an urgent situation, an uncontrollable laugh leaked from between his lips. Even if everything else had failed, it seemed he had achieved exactly one thing.

Despite hating each other terribly, they would yearn for the things that evoked nostalgia. Time and time again, they would regret their past choices, yet they would never be able to restore a relationship that had fallen to the ground in shattered pieces. Just as he had.

“Hyun-woo… I wish Hyun-woo had come too… what a shame.”

As he spoke with a low chuckle, the silence that had settled over the ruined room broke. Despite his gripped wrist trembling, a streak of red blood flowed down from the palm that refused to let go of the shard.

“…Let go of this, now.”

Tae-gyeom, who had rushed over after hearing the commotion, smelled of smoke. As Tae-gyeom’s fingers dug into the hand holding the shard, Hae-won clenched his fist even tighter. His attitude—that he would not let go even if he died—evoked a sigh from one and an indescribable sense of betrayal in another. The sound of teeth grinding was the sound of that fire-like betrayal turning into rage.

“Ack…!”

His head was snapped back. Immediately, the pain of his scalp being torn followed. The moment Tae-gyeom lost his grip on the wrist, Hae-won was dragged backward, waving his blood-soaked hand. Ignoring Tae-gyeom’s shout, Seo Hae-young pinned the hand holding the shard with his knee and forced Hae-won’s upper body up by grabbing his damp t-shirt. Veins stood out clearly in the hand clenched into a fist, and a low, threatening roar poured out.

“Did I tell you not to do this or not? Does my word sound like fucking bullshit to you?”

The moment a large palm struck his cheek, his teeth shook and a pressure that felt like his eyeballs would burst hit his head. His held upper body swayed, and his head whipped violently to the side. As Seo Hae-young sat on his lower abdomen, semen leaked out slowly between his splayed legs.

“Ah, kh-ugh…!”

“Is this why you wanted to come? Fuck, what. You want to die right in front of me? You said you’d get along with me, were you lying? Huh? For this?”

Lights flashed. No sooner had he let out a hacking cough than Seo Hae-young gripped his cheek with one hand and shook his face as if demanding an answer. With every thud of the back of his head hitting the floor, his consciousness blurred one step further. In the gap of violence where not even a groan could escape, a bird searching for a way out—the heavy weight pressing his waist was finally lifted.

“Stop it already, you fucking bastard!”

Tae-gyeom, who grabbed Seo Hae-young by the collar and threw him off, didn’t engage in a fight but instead hurriedly supported the back of Hae-won’s limp neck.

“Hey, hey…! Yoon Hae-won…!”

Hae-won’s eyes, with bright red blood smeared across his nose and lips, were out of focus. There was no room for useless questions like whether he was okay. Even as Tae-gyeom brought over a piece of the rolling blanket to wipe his face and tapped his cheek, the bright pupils within the slowly blinking eyelids could not hold a clear light. From the mouth of Tae-gyeom, who anxiously examined the fogged eyes, only a string of curses like “fuck, fuck” flowed out.

While Hae-won struggled to hold onto his receding consciousness, Seo Hae-young, who had stared blankly at his own palm that had struck the cheek with full force without controlling his strength, leaned his head against the wall and looked around the room. He took in everything—the overturned cabinet, the shards scattered on the floor, the droplets of blood, and the stained window where the rain poured down—while suppressing and swallowing the jagged impulses rising within him. Yet, whenever he saw Tae-gyeom touching Hae-won as he pleased, his mood sank, and the cycle of suppressing his heart repeated. He was still anxious. Since he couldn’t fathom Hae-won’s inner thoughts, he couldn’t be at ease.

“Hae-won.”

Unable to endure it any longer, Seo Hae-young reached out, and the blood-stained shard fell from the weakened grip as he wrapped his fingers around the blood-red ones. The brown eyes, which had been vacant when Tae-gyeom tapped his cheek, looked down. Gazes that failed to grasp each other’s intentions intertwined in the air.

“Why are you like this?”

The expression and tone, as if he completely failed to understand the situation, brought a hollow laugh. Taking a sharp breath, Hae-won moved his torn lips and let out a hoarse voice. The sentence, slurred and mumbling because his tongue had been bitten during the beating, was slowly completed.

“Actually, actually… I… I’m not okay. I can’t do this.”

Resting his head on Tae-gyeom’s knee, Hae-won spoke one word at a time, trembling down to his toes while still holding Seo Hae-young’s fingers.

“I… I wish you, you all would just die… but, but that’s not possible.”

It wasn’t that he hadn’t imagined burning down the villa or killing and burying them one by one. It was just that no matter how many times he imagined it, there was no hope. Even if he could kill Go Tae-gyeom, he wasn’t sure if he could kill Seo Hae-young with his own hands, so the best option was…

“You, you think about it too… this is right. This is right.”

Hae-won repeated the words Seo Hae-young had once said to him, then used his lacerated palm to push off the floor and lift his uncontrollable upper body. Shamelessly, the two men remained silent, as if they had heard something unexpected. Hae-won looked around just as Seo Hae-young had and stood on his knees. His unfocused eyes were directed toward a place further away.

On the mountain where this villa was located, there was a better place. A place where he could be undisturbed. Shaking off Tae-gyeom’s hand as he tried to stop him and ignoring Seo Hae-young’s scent, he moved his staggering legs. When an arm snatched his knee and he tumbled forward, he squeezed out his remaining strength to kick; when a wrist was grabbed, he twisted it, prepared for it to break. Every part of his body hurt as if pierced by awls, but he clenched his teeth as if it didn’t hurt at all.

And so, in the villa that had become a nightmare, the sprint of the past few months—having escaped and been caught dozens of times—began. His legs, having undergone numerous practices, limped and ran along an unfamiliar path. As soon as he grabbed the stair railing, the surroundings became noisy again with one person’s name.

Hae-won! Yoon Hae-won! You fuck, Yoon Hae-won…!

He couldn’t tell if the shouts were coming from behind him or if they were hallucinations ringing in his head. Now, he was even confused if that was even his name. Thinking that he would rather be deaf in his one remaining ear, he simply kept running.

“Ugh…!”

Perhaps it was because he hurried out of fear of the footsteps following him. He missed a step just before the first floor. His heel slipped on the edge of the stair, and his balance wavered. His waist, which had been abused until a moment ago, hit the step, and his shard-embedded knee and elbow took successive impacts.

“Agh…!”

Hae-won, who had tumbled down the remaining stairs, crawled along the cold wooden floor. The shards embedded deep in his skin could not block his path. His useless ankle twisted violently, and streaks of blood followed wherever his palms touched, but he felt only a bearable pain; it was no more agonizing than that.

As the sound of Seo Hae-young’s stride grew closer, a humid wind blowing through an open window pushed his legs up and forward. Staggering to his feet, Hae-won passed a table where a lone ashtray full of ash sat and ran toward the window where the wind was blowing. He stepped onto the window ledge, which was open enough for a person to pass through.

“Yoon Hae-won!”

The moment he stepped on the window frame, a piercing shout clung to his back. A mixture of hair-raising chills and an indefinable euphoria created a distorted smile. His legs, which had only been able to move forward slowly without support, felt light as if they could fly.

The pouring rain drenched his body, washing over his thighs stained with sticky semen. The t-shirt clinging to his skin hung heavily, but the rigidity he had felt in the bathroom did not occur.

When a stone he stepped on wounded him, puddles that swallowed his ankle washed away the seeping blood. He ran through the pathless forest, pushing through branches that scratched his wrists and cheeks into shallow cuts and the fierce driving rain. The only things that penetrated the sound of the rain, which drowned out even the loud tinnitus, were the echoing voices of the two men and the ragged breath bursting from his own mouth.

The urgently shaking vision and the pitch-black forest had similarities to a movie he visited every summer, so Hae-won was able to run as if chasing a fantasy. In the ink-black darkness where objects could not be distinguished, his steps toward an unknown destination were without hesitation.

“Haa, haa…!”

Because he had fallen several times, wet mud clung dirtily to his arms and legs. Hae-won, who had fallen hard over a tree root, crawled under a rope tied to the base of a tree. A groan escaped as the corner of a sign that read ‘No Entry’ scratched his shoulder, but he didn’t look back and pushed himself up on trembling knees. Fearing that he would be caught by the scruff of his neck if he looked back, he steadfastly looked only forward and dragged his exhausted body.

Past increasing warning signs, through a rugged mountain path and a blade-like wind blowing fiercely, a profound darkness finally revealed itself before his eyes.

He thought a grand emotion would surge at the end, but when he actually reached it, it wasn’t so. It was different from the days when his emotions had swung wildly. He was more composed, and all that remained was the relief that he could finally end it.

Walking unsteadily into the center, Hae-won looked out at the mountain ridge, bleakly submerged in the monsoon. The directionless wind swirled and resonated fiercely beneath the sheer cliff. The bottom, where darkness pooled, was like a canvas painted with black ink; nothing could be seen.

It might be a slope lower than his height, or a valley flowing toward the sea. Perhaps it was a pit filled with piles of rocks. Whatever it was, he didn’t think he would survive. While he stared blankly around, the mound of dirt covering the top of his foot was swept away by the rain and poured over the cliff. His senses wavered as if the waves were beneath his feet.

“…Yoon Hae-won.”

And then. The voice he least wanted to hear, or perhaps the one he wanted to hear most, flowed into his ears through the rain. Within the deeply sunken voice, there was a trace of anxiety that was difficult to detect. Slowly turning around, Hae-won locked eyes with Seo Hae-young, who was brushing back his wet hair.

On Seo Hae-young’s face, which revealed a neat forehead, there was neither anxiety nor urgency. It was filled only with irritation and annoyance, which brought a hollow smile to Hae-won’s face. Whether his blurred vision was due to the rain or tears… he couldn’t tell.

“Stop acting out… let’s go home. We shouldn’t have come here.”

Seo Hae-young was also drenched, having had no time to bring an umbrella. But as Seo Hae-young reached out his white hand, he was overlooking one thing. Today was not a game of escaping and being caught. Hae-won swallowed his sobs and spoke in a voice laced with a quiet tremor.

“…I don’t want to.”

Seo Hae-young, who managed to hear the small voice, immediately let out a deep sigh. As the sigh containing mockery subsided, words like daggers pierced in.

“This is fucking boring. I’ll act like it never happened. Come here, quickly.”

Tears, warm and distinguishable from the rain, wet his cheeks. Even after coming all this way, Seo Hae-young was the same. He would probably never change, no matter what. Even if he crawled and prostrated himself as requested, the man would want something else; even if he held his head high, he would want something else again. He didn’t want to spend his days terrified, mimicking the image the man wanted, waiting for the day he would be discarded. He was terrified that on the day he was thrown away, he would desperately cling to the man’s pant legs, that he would receive a wound from which he could never recover. That was scarier than death.

“It’s… it’s funny that I’m doing this, isn’t it?”

Unable to hide his panting, a pathetic lament leaked out. Wiping his dripping eyes with a dirty palm, Hae-won first belittled himself, and then—

“…You don’t know what you did wrong, do you? Not. Not a single thing.”

He turned the arrow toward Seo Hae-young. Through a vision that became clear and then blurred again, he caught an expression staring at him with a look of absurdity. Taking a heavy breath, Hae-won began to voice the resentment he had only repeated internally.

“I want you… I want you to feel even a little bit of what I went through. I want you to want to die. But I want you to be unable to die, and for you to live every day in such hardship. Please, please let it be so…”

In eyes distorted so miserably that it was unclear if he was laughing or crying, belated resentment pooled. In place of letting go of lingering attachments, the courage to sever this tedious lifeline exhilarated him. As the image of a game he had lost utterly flickered before his eyes, a whisper so small that no one could hear it leaked through his lips.

“I… I won.”

Muttering the sentence that overcame his fear over and over, Hae-won took one more step back. Just then, Tae-gyeom, who had irritably pushed through some twigs, appeared from the brush. “Fuck…!” The curse on his lips, the eyes widening like lanterns, and the impatient strides pulled the trigger. The frozen Seo Hae-young stepped forward with his wound-covered bare feet, and Hae-won stepped back twice. Unfortunately, one person was missing, but rumors have legs, so today’s pain would reach the ears of the remaining one. Therefore, this was enough.

So that there would be nothing left to burn, no pieces to put back together, disappearing without a trace, so that this villa would remain an indelible nightmare for all three of them. That was Hae-won’s final wish.

Just as a white hand reached for his face, a single raindrop struck his shoulder. It was sharper than a bar and heavier than a stone. As his head snapped back, the pain he had momentarily forgotten surged back and enveloped his entire body.

I think I struggled for a moment, unfamiliar with the sensation of floating in mid-air. I think my tattered, torn body caught the wind. It happened while everyone had let their guard down. Through his fading vision, Hae-won met the eyes of Seo Hae-young, whose beautiful features were twisted. That expression, infinitely distorted and fueled by despair, was the first and last time he had seen such a face since meeting Seo Hae-young.

If asked if it felt good, well. He felt nothing at all. He felt absolutely nothing, to the point that his heart felt hollow.

Yoon Hae-won!

A scream piercing through the sound of rain lingered over the gloomily drenched mountain ridge. Three days before the end of the fierce monsoon that soaked the earth and collapsed the mountains, their extreme goals collided violently. The darkness brought by the monsoon swallowed the remnants of the past whole.

After a long struggle for power,

there were no cowards,

and there were no victors.

It was a complete fall.