4 – Chicken Game (6)

Chapter 5

While one waited for the right moment, another scoured the entire region, and the last finally stripped away a passport, the leaves clinging to dry branches fell and the world froze. A frigid winter had arrived.

Contrary to Tae-gyeom’s imagination, which raced toward a point of no return, Hae-won was doing well. If “doing well” meant simply remaining alive, then he was holding onto his thin breath and enduring quite well.

Timid Hae-won hid in a small, secluded place; he did not cross the threshold of his front door before nightfall, as if stepping out while the sun was up would lead to sudden death. In a semi-basement with covered windows, he enjoyed his first taste of freedom in ten years, sensing the midday sun through the cement walls. Since he wasn’t happy at all, it was, in the end, an incomplete freedom.

Huddled in the corner of the room with his knees hugged to his chest, Hae-won pulled a thick account book from his bag. Within the dense records, there were no entries for income, only expenditures. The combined amount of the refunded ticket and the money he had saved up until now was quite significant, but it had been steadily chipped away to cover the rent and living expenses for two people, filling in for the struggling Seung-wan. Hae-won muttered, rubbing the marks where he had pressed down hard while writing.

“I need to work….”

There was no one left to help him if a worst-case scenario occurred. As someone came to mind, his movements slowed.

“Want to play with me?”

A youthful face, staring intently while leaning over a desk, shimmered before him. The window capturing a sunset landscape, the curtains swaying in a spring breeze, and even the scent of a classroom smelling of wood unfolded vividly, as if it had happened yesterday. What had he answered that guy, who had beaten him half to death the day before and then spoken such bizarre things?

Closing the account book, Hae-won took a sharp breath in and held it. His face flushed red as blood rushed to it, and the sound of his heartbeat thundered in his ears. The longer the agonizing moment lasted, the more his body trembled. When he finally exhaled and breathed in again, Seo Hae-young, who had been creeping out, vanished.

Once the terrifying hallucinations—which appeared regardless of whether it was midnight, midday, or dawn—faded, what tormented Hae-won next were the memories of just the two of them. He should have hated them enough to want to kill him instantly. Yet, he couldn’t understand why only the good memories kept popping up. That discrepancy was more painful than anything else, leading him to abuse his own body. It was a punishment he inflicted upon himself. He would slap his thighs, hold his breath, or bang his head. Then, for a brief moment, Seo Hae-young would fade.

Around 3:00 AM, the sound of a passcode being entered echoed. Gasping for air, Hae-won pushed aside the bag containing the account book and stood up. As the front door opened, Seung-wan, who had stubbornly gone out in thin clothes despite the cold weather, stumbled inside.

“Hyung… I’m home….”

“You’re late….”

As Hae-won supported his staggering body and helped him take off his shoes, the scent of cigarettes mixed with alcohol wafted over.

“Nooo… General Manager Hyung kept holding me back, I tried to come home early….”

“Yeah… it must have been hard.”

“I’m really gonna earn a lot quickly and quit, seriously….”

Responding steadily to the drunken rambling he had grown accustomed to while living together, Hae-won pulled Seung-wan toward the mattress. Once he laid the heavy body down, Seung-wan, mumbling curses, burrowed into the blankets. Hae-won gently lifted Seung-wan, who was on the verge of passing out, and stripped off his uncomfortable clothes. As he skillfully handled the drunkard, a shopping bag that looked brand new suddenly caught Hae-won’s eye. He took the bag, which bore a prominent brand logo, from Seung-wan’s hand, set it aside, and muttered while covering him with the blanket.

“You shouldn’t keep buying things like this….”

“No… it was a gift, a gift.”

Deeply intoxicated, Seung-wan waved his hand and gave a goofy smile. Hae-won let out a powerless laugh as he watched Seung-wan ramble that it was really nothing, just something a Noona he knew gave him for his hard work. While Hae-won tidied up the clothes scattered like husks, the voice gradually faded, replaced by the sound of soft snoring. It was a sound that had eased his fear over the past few months. The sound that reminded him he wasn’t alone had a subtle addictiveness.

After finishing the cleanup, Hae-won opened the kitchen cupboard and took out a pill bottle. Tilting the bottle, he tapped a few white tablets into his palm. It was medication that could quell the terrible insomnia left behind by last summer. Alcohol could no longer summon sleep. It was a sleeping pill Seung-wan had procured after work on a day Hae-won confessed he couldn’t sleep while drinking soju raw. He said he’d taken a bit of what the General Manager Hyung takes.

He paused, intending to put them back leaving only one pill. Now, one pill felt somewhat insufficient. He had tossed and turned a bit last night, too. After some deliberation, he swallowed two pills and, just in case, poured himself a cup of soju. The feeling of drifting away from reality in a hazy intoxication was a sensation he couldn’t bring himself to quit. Wrapping himself in a blanket that was too thin for winter, Hae-won closed his eyes with a peaceful mind, hoping to sleep deeply without dreaming of the past today.

“Ah, I overslept again!”

A noisy commotion woke him. The drowsiness quickly cleared from his foggy head, and a sense of refreshment surged. Still wrapped in the blanket, Hae-won stretched his arms wide. It was the deepest and most satisfying sleep he’d had all year. While he lingered, wanting to prolong the cozy feeling, Seung-wan, who had gone out to the entrance, returned and sat with his knees by Hae-won’s head.

“Hyung, can you lend me some taxi fare? I’ll definitely pay you back when I get my paycheck.”

Looking at Seung-wan, who had his hands clasped together, with dreamy eyes, Hae-won reached out and pulled his bag closer. Seeing the habit of taking taxis even for short distances, he felt he understood why money never accumulated. With a sigh, he took the wallet from his front pocket and handed over a ten-thousand won bill.

“Here….”

“Thanks! I’ll really pay you back!”

Snatching the ten thousand won, Seung-wan returned the greeting with a hug. A heavy weight pressed down on his blanket-wrapped body. Hae-won didn’t react as sensitively as before and chuckled. The waft of fruity scent—likely from washing up in a panic as soon as he woke—gave Hae-won, who had just woken from a long-awaited deep sleep, a pleasant morning.

After pushing him away because he was going to be late and seeing Seung-wan rush out, Hae-won lay back down on the blanket, then stood up again. The soles of his feet stung. As soon as he looked down at his feet, which shouldn’t have been hurting, his expression stiffened subtly.

“What the….”

The soles of both feet were stained with black soot. There were parts where blood had beaded, as if scratched by something. Why were his feet like this? He had definitely washed before sleeping yesterday, and the floor was clean. Since he had fallen asleep immediately upon closing his eyes, he had no remaining memories. Frowning in thought, Hae-won stood up carefully and shuffled toward the bathroom. It seemed the entrance was dirty.

After scrubbing his dirty feet until they squeaked, he began his early daily routine. He did the cleaning he had postponed for a few days, organized the disposable containers piled in the small sink and gathered them by the door, and ran the washing machine. After scrubbing the entrance until it sparkled, Hae-won washed his feet again and put bandages on the soles. Once he finished his chores, a vacant smile appeared. His body felt strangely light.

“…I should ask for more.”

Fiddling with his clean feet, Hae-won waited for the night to come.

* * *

The city, with the end of the year fast approaching, was crowded even late at night, sparkling with colorful lights. Trapped on a bridge, Hee-seong pressed his tired eyelids firmly with his palms.

“The traffic is terrible….”

Though it was the end of the year, a time for joy, Hee-seong couldn’t bring himself to smile. Not only was his relationship with Seo-hyun not what it used to be, but his so-called friends had become strange, as if they’d eaten something wrong. Unable to weigh which was more frustrating, he let out a deep sigh and tapped the accelerator intermittently. Just then, an alert popped up on the phone mounted on the dashboard. It was a text from Go Tae-gyeom, telling him not to contact him because he was busy.

It was simply absurd. The last time he had reached out for the end-of-year season was a full three days ago. Rather than the fact that he was only replying now, the complete lack of courtesy in the content was more baffling.

“Is he kidding me….”

They had clearly all gone crazy. Turning off the unwelcome alert, Hee-seong sank into thought while glaring at the car in front, which showed no sign of moving.

Joo Hyun-woo, Go Tae-gyeom, Seo Hae-young. The group that used to get along so well had fallen apart in an instant. Suddenly, without warning. Joo Hyun-woo, who returned overseas, didn’t even send a greeting saying he’d arrived safely; instead, he cut off contact with everyone after leaving. Go Tae-gyeom lived immersed in alcohol for a while and then, as if possessed, traveled all over the provinces, and Seo Hae-young… he didn’t even want to think about him.

Something had clearly happened between the three of them, but no one would open their mouth. Since they were old enough, it wasn’t his place to interfere whether they fought or not, but as the one caught in the middle, he didn’t feel at ease. No matter how he thought about it, they weren’t the type to fight for no reason.

“Oh….”

Hee-seong, who had been leaning back and looking outside, straightened his upper body. A face that flashed by for a moment looked familiar. Following the car in front as it moved slowly, he glanced around the bridge. Through the gaps where cyclists passed one by one, he caught glimpses of a man he had seen somewhere. A man running frantically in a short-sleeved T-shirt in weather cold enough for frost to form on the car windows.

He could have passed him off as insane, but strangely, his gaze kept returning. Narrowing his eyes, Hee-seong was preoccupied with looking ahead and observing the man. As the traffic eased slightly, he was able to roughly keep up with the man’s running speed. A pale face emerged through hair that fluttered softly. Hee-seong’s eyes widened. He pulled every detail of that face—both strange and familiar—from his memory.

The face staring blankly with cake smeared on it, the calm voice exchanging greetings with Joo Hyun-jeong, the hand that had turned even paler, stained with Go Tae-gyeom’s blood. Seo Hae-young’s birthday, Joo Hyun-woo’s farewell party, the warehouse where Go Tae-gyeom’s head had been split open. He was a person who had been present for all of it.

A forgotten name surfaced.

Yoon Hae-won.

Without realizing it, Hee-seong jerked the steering wheel and pulled over to the shoulder. As he stepped out of the driver’s seat, a strong wind blew, messing up his hair. It was weather where it was absolutely impossible to wear summer clothes. Jumping over the railing onto the sidewalk, Hee-seong caught up to Hae-won, who was running away, in a single bound. As he grabbed his arm and spun him around, a chilling cold emanated from his ice-cold skin.

“Hae-won… Yoon Hae-won. You’re Seo Hae-young’s friend, right?”

The light from the streetlamps and car headlights illuminated the man, and his hair, longer than when Hee-seong had last seen him, fluttered in the wind. Pale eyes slowly rose to meet his gaze, but it felt as if he was looking somewhere else. It was a gaze wandering through a dream. Looking at the vacant eyes, Hee-seong hurriedly added.

“Do you remember me? We’ve met a few times. What… what are you doing here right now?”

“…Follow me.”

Lips turned blue from the cold trembled. Hee-seong gripped Hae-won’s forearm as he tried to pull away and flinched. Only then did he notice what was right in front of him. Hae-won’s arm was excessively thin for someone like Hee-seong, who exercised quite a bit.

Was he always like this? Hee-seong frowned, scanning the body that swayed in the strong wind, leaving only skeletal remains, and comparing him to the Hae-won in his memory.

“…Where are your shoes?”

The tops of his feet, revealed beneath the hem of his pants, were stark white. A human running across a bridge in the middle of the night in short sleeves and barefoot… Stepping a foot closer, Hee-seong cupped Hae-won’s cheek and brought his face close. Irregular breaths brushed against his lips. A faint scent of alcohol leaked from Hae-won’s parted lips. He didn’t seem to have drunk much. Looking down at the dazed Hae-won, Hee-seong shook his head and took off his outer coat.

“Where do you live? I’ll take you home.”

“I have to, have to go. He keeps following me….”

Hae-won twisted his body as if wanting to escape, but holding onto the thin body was nothing for Hee-seong. He forced the coat onto the struggling Hae-won and grabbed his wrist. It would be a disaster if he left him and the man jumped into the river.

“Come on. I’m cold.”

“No. I don’t want to go….”

Hae-won, planting his feet and resisting, shook his head vigorously. After coaxing, soothing, and dragging the man—who was about to collapse—into the passenger seat, Hee-seong sighed and took off his own shoes. While he held the frozen feet and brushed off the soles, Hae-won pushed his shoulder away, muttering repeatedly. That someone kept following him. Hee-seong put on a pair of sneakers that were too large for Hae-won’s feet, tied the laces tight, and brushed off his hands.

“No-one is following you. So where is your house? Should I call Seo Hae-young?”

“Following….”

Hae-won’s mouth, which had been whispering incessantly, snapped shut. Suddenly deprived of his coat and shoes, Hee-seong took his eyes off the silent Hae-won and walked toward the trunk. By the time he picked a pair of athletic shoes at random and returned to the driver’s seat, the passenger seat was empty. Looking around in haste, he saw Hae-won running toward the end of the bridge.

“What is wrong with him…!”

He got into the driver’s seat and chased after him, but as soon as a swarm of cyclists flashed by, Hae-won vanished without a trace.

After circling the bridge and letting out a hollow laugh, Hee-seong immediately picked up his phone but hesitated for a moment. It didn’t seem like something to report to the police, but ignoring it felt wrong given the man’s vacant state. Although he had never had a proper conversation with Hae-won, he was strangely concerned. Moreover, the unsettling atmosphere of the farewell party lingered. The three people calling a name simultaneously, and Hae-won hesitating between them. There seemed to be something going on among them.

Hee-seong deliberated between the two numbers before calling Seo Hae-young. He didn’t particularly want to contact him, but since Seo Hae-young seemed to know Hae-won better than Go Tae-gyeom, it was an inevitable decision.

The ringing continued for a long time. Hee-seong’s brow furrowed as he waited, tapping the steering wheel. Joo Hyun-woo and Go Tae-gyeom seemed crazy, but Seo Hae-young was on another level. He remembered Seo Hae-young, who had crushed someone’s face and then sat back in his place as if nothing had happened, staring at his phone. Two days ago, thanks to Seo Hae-young ruining the mood, the year-end gathering had been literally demolished, and the indiscriminate assault had no reason. Thinking of the gathering that ended in a mess, with only himself—who had dragged along a reluctant Seo Hae-young—taking the fall, left a bitter taste in his mouth.

Yeah.

Just as a headache was starting to form, a monotonous voice broke his reverie. Someone had ended up on an operating table, yet the one who did the hitting was utterly nonchalant. Is it enough just to pay the settlement money? Swallowing the curse that threatened to erupt, Hee-seong drove onto the clearing road, skipping the pleasantries and getting straight to the point.

“That kid who came to the farewell party. Hae-won. Where does he live? Or give me his number.”

He wanted to make sure he had gotten home safely. Hee-seong glanced at the phone screen where no answer came and called out to Seo Hae-young. Only after a long while did a low voice respond.

Why?

He didn’t answer the question immediately; rather, his characteristic way of speaking, as if testing the other person, was often irritating. His mood soured as it overlapped with the events of the gathering, and Hee-seong shook his head as he started the car upon receiving the signal. He could have just asked Go Tae-gyeom.

“Forget it. Hang up.”

Did you see him?

A low voice laced with amusement flowed out. Hee-seong remained silent, unable to find words. For some reason, he didn’t want to talk.

Where did you see him?

“…Just hang up. I’m driving.”

Where are you right now?

The plain question had an oddly chilling edge to it. A pale, terrified face overlapped with the green traffic light. Hae-won had been wearing an expression of fear. Hee-seong hesitated and reached out to end the call. Just then, the light turned red, and an arrogant call followed.

Hey.

The finger, just inches from the end-call button, flinched. Seo Hae-young’s name on the black screen and the increasing call duration. Hee-seong could say nothing and looked out the car window. He saw a thin back, wearing an oversized coat, entering a dark residential alley. A voice devoid of laughter leaked from the phone, where not even a breath could be heard, echoing inside the car.

I asked where you are.

The darkness swallowed Hae-won. Hee-seong raised a stiff hand and wiped his forehead. Even as he realized his mistake, the call duration with Seo Hae-young continued to increase by the second. He had an ominous feeling. It seemed he had chosen the wrong person to ask.

* * *

Hae-won looked back and forth between his neatly folded clothes and shoes he had never seen before, then carefully slid his foot into a white sneaker. As he lifted his leg, the loose sneaker slipped off and rolled across the entrance. After straightening the tilted sneaker, Hae-won hugged his knees and sank into thought.

There had been a few times when he woke up with black feet, but not recently. He had to find the missing memories of last night. However, no matter how hard he racked his brain, everything remained blurry, as if shrouded in fog.

“Hyung, did you take a lot of pills?”

“No, two… maybe three.”

The answer came with a hint of hesitation. Seung-wan, who had been lying on his stomach on the mattress stuffing snacks into his mouth, wiped his hands and stood up. After popping a snack into Hae-won’s mouth, Seung-wan let out a light sigh and sank down to the floor.

Those things had caused a whole ordeal since this morning. Because Hae-won had been passing out in a drunken stupor every day, Seung-wan only realized today that Hae-won woke up every night, but it wasn’t particularly surprising. He hadn’t seemed sane from the moment he was brought here. Resting his chin on his knee, Seung-wan continued to feed Hae-won snacks as he spoke.

“Seriously, just take one whenever you can’t sleep. I heard the General Manager took some pills and started calling all his acquaintances like crazy. But he says he doesn’t remember a thing. Fucking terrifying, right?”

“…Really?”

A belated sense of fear surged through Hae-won, and he began fidgeting with his sneakers. His gaunt but refined face clouded with anxiety. Seung-wan stared at the sensitive expression on his face, lost in thought.

His long, downward-sloping eyelashes caught his eye. When they worked at the convenience store, they had only exchanged greetings in passing, so he hadn’t realized his lashes were so thick. His long eyes, the bridge of his nose, and his lips were all composed of delicate lines, yet he didn’t feel particularly “pretty,” which made him curious.

What could have happened to a human who seemed perfect in every way to end up like this? Seung-wan thought he would spill everything if he just waited, but Hae-won kept his mouth shut unexpectedly tight.

“What should I do about these? If I stole them…”

Hae-won kept tapping the sneakers, clearly preoccupied. Seung-wan reached out, picked up one shoe, and turned it over. It was clean, but there were signs of wear. They were desirable shoes, but since their origin was ambiguous, he didn’t feel like keeping them. Putting the sneaker back in its place, Seung-wan shrugged.

“I don’t think you stole them.”

“…Did I take them from someone?”

Seung-wan scanned Hae-won from the crown of his head down to his waist and shook his head awkwardly. Take them? It would make more sense if someone had given them to him out of pity. While scanning Hae-won—who was preoccupied with the shoes—somewhat rudely, Seung-wan noticed something on his thin forearm, exposed by a pushed-up sleeve. On the pale skin, which looked as though it hadn’t seen sunlight, there were several round discolorations. An uncontrollable curiosity flared up.

“Hyung, on your arm…”

“Hm?”

“What is this?”

Suddenly standing up, Seung-wan grabbed Hae-won’s collar as he tried to pull away and rolled up the short sleeve. Not understanding what was happening, Hae-won looked at the close-proximity Seung-wan with questioning eyes before looking down. The moment he discovered the vivid cigarette burns on the inside of his forearm, a chill ran down his spine. He hurriedly pushed Seung-wan’s shoulder and backed away.

“…Stop it.”

“Ah, why? What is it!”

Playfully, Seung-wan grabbed Hae-won’s arm and pulled up the thin T-shirt covering his torso. Despite being of similar height and build, Hae-won was helplessly overpowered and twisted his body.

“I just want to see what—”

The smile on Seung-wan’s lips slowly vanished, and the strength left the hand holding the T-shirt.

“I told you to stop…!”

Hae-won hurriedly broke free and pulled his clothes down, but Seung-wan’s expression remained ambiguously distorted, having already witnessed the scars densely covering Hae-won’s stomach and back.

Nail marks from being scratched deeply into the skin, cigarette burns, and areas discolored from repeated beatings. They were unmistakable marks of abuse. At the same time, it was a surreal sight for Seung-wan, who had lived a normal, if not affluent, life. A low gasp escaped him before he could stop it.

“Wow… why is your skin like this…?”

The innocent, malice-free observation lightly brushed against the deep scars etched into Hae-won. Retreating into a corner, Hae-won curled up, hugging his upper body with both arms. The vigilance he had struggled to suppress instantly dominated his mind, and the brief moment he couldn’t escape Seung-wan’s grip amplified his fear. As the faces of three different people began to overlap over Seung-wan’s naive face, his body started to tremble violently.

“Ah… sorry, sorry. I just wondered what it was.”

Realizing too late that Hae-won was shaking, Seung-wan reached out nonchalantly. After patting the thin shoulder, he slowly withdrew his hand and stood up from the floor as if he had seen nothing.

“Want to eat? What should I order? I have a pizza coupon.”

Going to the kitchen to flip through delivery pamphlets, Seung-wan didn’t ask many questions, just like the first day they met. While watching Seung-wan ask whether this or that would be better before deciding on his own, the trembling subsided. The hostility in his bright eyes faded, replaced by a slight sense of shame.

“I kind of want braised short ribs… but is that too expensive?”

Seung-wan chuckled, gauging the mood. Watching the young man struggle to lighten the atmosphere, Hae-won took a long breath to calm his racing heart. Seung-wan was not one of those guys, and this was not the villa. Biting his lip, he tried to think positively.

Seo Hae-young was no longer here, the marks would fade with time, and he had to live out the remaining time; he couldn’t stay in that summer forever. Rubbing his still-trembling arms, Hae-won stood up and took a step forward. Opening his lips, which felt frozen, he initiated a mundane conversation as if nothing had happened.

“…Let’s eat. Not pizza.”

“Sure! I’m sick of pizza anyway.”

Seung-wan, who had been glancing over with a stiff expression, broke into a bright smile. Hae-won followed with a clumsy smile and pushed the memory of the strange clothes and sneakers far into the back of his mind. He didn’t have the luxury to think about people whose identities he didn’t even know right now. He wanted to return to normal, find a job, and live an ordinary life. It was a small, humble wish.

* * *

Sitting up, Seung-wan used the light of his phone to illuminate the darkness. Hae-won, buried in the blankets and sleeping soundly, was partially visible. After being given a single pill, Hae-won was sleeping like the dead without so much as a breath. Seung-wan stared at him quietly before silently standing up.

Tiptoeing past Hae-won, Seung-wan sat in front of the clothes rack and looked back for a moment. He reached out and gently waved his palm over Hae-won’s face, but there were no signs of him waking. Relieved, he brought over Hae-won’s bag and rummaged through it. Despite hiding it so carefully, the bag contained only a thick notebook, a wallet, a black box, and a phone.

“I thought it wasn’t here…”

Pouting, Seung-wan turned over the powered-off phone and picked up the notebook. As he flipped through the pages, his eyes widened. It was a household ledger with meticulous records of deposits and withdrawals. For a moment, a feeling of bewilderment flashed through his mind. His hands moved faster, searching through Hae-won’s things. Inside a white envelope tucked into the ledger were crisp bills, and a few bills remained in the wallet. After emptying the wallet, which contained nothing but an ID and not a single card, he was hit with a direct sense of emptiness.

“What the… I thought he was well-off…”

The reason he had brought Hae-won along was a “just in case” feeling. Just in case a day came when he needed a lot of money, or because living in Seoul was a bit tight, he thought it would be helpful to make a friend who was wealthy. He hadn’t brought him expecting a grand reward, but he couldn’t hide his disappointment.

It was understandable why he’d misjudged; unlike his casual attire, Hae-won carelessly carried items that far exceeded several months’ worth of salary. The shoes, the wallet, the outerwear, the bag. He had thought he was just a rich kid who worked part-time because he had nothing better to do. The neighborhood with the convenience store, and the middle and high school Hae-won had attended, were places mostly frequented by children of wealthy families, so his mistake was assuming based on his own convenience. After searching the address on the ID on the internet, Seung-wan put the wallet and ledger back into the bag with a sour expression.

If he hadn’t just run away from home for a bit and wasn’t wealthy, where did the money come from to pay for living expenses so readily? The more he thought about it, the more his imagination drifted toward the grim. Then, the black box caught his eye. Curious, Seung-wan unwrapped it and his jaw dropped.

“Holy shit…”

Even in the blue light of the phone, a sparkling watch lay elegantly inside. Carefully taking out the watch, which looked as though it had never been worn, Seung-wan wrapped it around his wrist. As soon as he leaned down and discovered the brand written on the box, he scanned the reclining Hae-won with a suspicious gaze.

Recalling Hae-won’s body from that afternoon, he crept closer. He pulled back the blanket and gently lifted the T-shirt that had ridden up to reveal his waist. When he shone the phone light, numerous scars appeared vividly. Even the back, which was relatively cleaner, wasn’t exactly “fine.” Seung-wan’s expression grew increasingly serious. Faint marks, as if something wide had been used to strike him hard, covered his back.

Seung-wan looked back and forth between the watch, Hae-won’s back, and his handsome face, then let out a sigh. The way he acted sensitively to even minor contact and the unusual way he wouldn’t show his bare skin… perhaps… When he gathered the various threads of his imagination, one conclusion emerged.

Did he sell his body? If so, Hae-won’s suspicious behavior thus far was clearly explained. Seung-wan looked down at Hae-won with a gaze mixed with pity and contempt, then shook his head. Figures.

* * *

After returning with someone else’s clothes and shoes, Hae-won reduced his intake of sleeping pills and alcohol. The blessing of falling into a deep sleep was gone, but seeing his clean soles made it bearable. While suppressing the anxiety that something was breaking, time flowed on and stopped at Christmas. It was a day that decorated the end of the year with splendor, and it was the day Hae-won was born.

Having folded the blanket neatly on the mattress, Hae-won cleaned the floor, avoiding Seung-wan, who was sitting in front of the mirror grooming his hair. As he bent down to wipe the floor and then straightened his back, his temples and left ear suddenly tightened with a dizzying sensation. A bothersome tinnitus lingered, circling above his eardrums.

Why is this happening? Frowning and tapping his ear with his palm, he waited, and before long, the ringing faded. As Hae-won shook his head to clear the remnants, Seung-wan entered his field of vision, dressed up to the nines, saying he had an appointment. Following his beaming smile, the dimples that looked like scars deepened.

“Hyung, lend me this!”

“Hm?”

Hae-won had nothing he could lend Seung-wan. As he looked at him questioningly, Seung-wan flicked his wrist. A wristwatch with a dark leather strap was ticking away within a gold rim.

Since he had never unwrapped it himself, Hae-won didn’t recognize the watch on Seung-wan’s wrist immediately and stared blankly, until he spotted the box sitting lonely on the desk. The moment the box, which had been haphazardly unwrapped, entered his sight, his expression stiffened and his brows furrowed.

“…Did you open my bag?”

“I just took a look while organizing. Is that not allowed?”

Seung-wan replied nonchalantly, as if it were no big deal. His expression was so smooth that Hae-won found himself answering, “It’s not that it’s not allowed,” almost instinctively. Seung-wan moved closer, within a hand’s span, grabbed his arm, and shook it playfully.

“You don’t even wear it anyway. It’s Christmas, just for one day! Please?”

Hae-won’s gaze landed on the messily opened box. It was a watch he had carried with the intention of selling it if necessary. The packaging, once undone, could not be restored, and he couldn’t flatly refuse Seung-wan, who was begging like a child. He had nowhere else to go, and the fear of being kicked out was great. Seung-wan wasn’t the type to heartlessly tell him to leave, but Hae-won, whose memories were punctuated by repeated rejections and abandonment, found the simple words “I don’t want to” incredibly difficult.

This indecisiveness had always been the problem. He would hesitate and mumble until he missed the right moment to refuse. While he bit the inside of his lip and chose his words, Seung-wan continued to shake his arm and act spoiled. Finally, a reluctant permission leaked through Hae-won’s teeth.

“…You have to give it back after using it.”

“Of course! I’ll wear it today and give it right back! Thanks, seriously.”

Hae-won looked at Seung-wan’s bright, smiling face and then lowered his eyes. It wasn’t a watch he considered his own anyway. As soon as he received permission, Seung-wan jumped up, put on his coat, and wrapped a scarf around his neck.

At least he asked. Hae-won watched the excited Seung-wan and rationalized it. In the most positive direction possible, over and over, so that bad thoughts wouldn’t enter his mind.

While seeing off Seung-wan, who said he would be late, Hae-won looked at the window with the security bars and felt as if the ground beneath him was floating. It had been a long time since he’d had such a quiet birthday, which felt strangely alien. Since he hadn’t told Seung-wan, no one congratulated him today.

“Huh?”

Hae-won, who was contemplating whether to go outside while there was still some sunlight, turned his head. Seung-wan, who usually vanished like the wind the moment he opened the front door, had stopped and was looking down.

“What is it?”

“I didn’t order any packages…”

A cold wind rushed in through the open door. The biting wind instantly froze his hair and chilled his cheeks. Picking up something placed in front of the door, Seung-wan whipped around. Hae-won took a step forward, then hesitated and backed away. A chill covered every corner of his body, traveling through his veins. The fairly large object in Seung-wan’s arms was far too familiar.

“What is this? Hyung, did you order something?”

Seung-wan asked as he turned the object over, but Hae-won couldn’t utter a word. His throat tightened, and his fingertips trembled violently. Seung-wan tilted his head as he looked at the tag attached to the rolled-up red ribbon.

A gift wrapped bizarrely in paper that mixed red and green. That wrapping paper, that gift, which had been placed in front of his house every birthday morning for ten years.

“‘Happy Birthday’…? Did it come to the wrong address?”

The tinnitus that had stopped suddenly woke up noisily. The noise was similar to a siren. It was so loud that the words coming from Seung-wan’s moving lips didn’t reach his ears.

Gasping for air, Hae-won collapsed backward. He curled his body into a ball, covered his ears, and screamed, “Agh!” A panicked Seung-wan set the gift down and rushed over to grab Hae-won’s arm. Hae-won flailed his legs, creating distance between himself and the colorful gift rolling on the floor.

It’s a dream. It must all be a dream. He began pounding his head with his fists. He hit his forearms, scratched himself, and tore at his thighs. He didn’t wake up. A bone-chilling scream, like metal scraping through a throat, erupted.

“What’s wrong! Hyung! Wh-why are you suddenly like this!”

I know. I knew you were here. Seo Hae-young knew everything.

“Fuck, Hyung! Do-do we need to go to the hospital? What do I do? Why is this happening…!”

Hae-won rolled across the floor, slamming his head against hard surfaces. Seung-wan pinned his arms and climbed onto his waist to stop him from moving, but even while held down, Hae-won twisted his limbs and screamed. If he didn’t, he felt as if he would simply die. The pain wasn’t in the skin scratched by nails or the bruised head, but within his soul.

I wanted to live having forgotten everything. Forget Seo Hae-young, forget the summer, forget the villa, and just live normally.

While he felt a maddening regret for that one wrong choice he made that day, a sharpened fear aimed for his throat. His breath came in ragged gasps. Seung-wan’s urgent voice faded away, and an unwanted scene unfolded before his eyes. In his ears, where the tinnitus rang, the sounds of this day from several years ago began to crackle.

A cold winter, Christmas, his birthday.

The moment he opened the door, he hugged the gift and went to Seo Hae-young’s house, only to have a cake fly into his face. Go Tae-gyeom, facing a face covered in white whipped cream like a ghost, laughed like a madman, and Joo Hyun-woo giggled as he led him to the bathroom.

After washing up and coming out while complaining, Seo Hae-young was lighting the candle stuck in a new cake. There was always only one candle. The scene shifted rapidly, as if fast-forwarded, then slowed down the moment he faced Seo Hae-young. Leaning on the table with crossed arms, Seo Hae-young pushed the cake forward. The small light at the tip of the candle flickered, as if it might go out at any moment. Dazed by this hospitality that wasn’t truly hospitality, Hae-won sat opposite him with a faint smile. Curling the corners of his reddish lips, Seo Hae-young pointed to the candle with his index finger.

“Make a wish.”

“Our little brat’s wish is obvious, isn’t it?”

Tae-gyeom, who had been sneering, was punched in the side by Hyun-woo and groaned while swearing. Hae-won clasped his hands together exaggeratedly and glanced at Seo Hae-young. As always, the thick knit sweater he wore today made his white face stand out more, doubling his loveliness. Suppressing the corners of his mouth that wanted to lift, Hae-won closed his eyes and made one wish with all his heart, desperately. Then, he blew out the small burning flame. Unable to meet Seo Hae-young’s eyes, he looked aside, and Tae-gyeom, leaning with his chin resting crookedly on his hand, asked:

“What did you wish for?”

“That I’d become rich.”

He shook the droplets from his bangs and answered dryly.

“See? Pretty fucking obvious, right?”

Hae-won laughed along with Tae-gyeom, who was slapping Hyun-woo’s shoulder, but it was actually a lie. Hiding a wish he could tell no one, Hae-won’s gaze followed the direction of a single, pale streak of smoke rising.

“It’ll happen.”

Seo Hae-young, unaware of the contents of the wish, offered an uncharacteristic blessing as he pulled out the candle. Hae-won smiled secretly, swallowing the whipped cream filling his mouth. A bashful smile escaped him, unable to erase his immoral emotions. The wish he so desperately craved was short and simple.

Please let me stay by Seo Hae-young’s side for the rest of my life.

Nineteen. The wish he had made back when he first realized his love for Seo Hae-young weighed down his entire body. His limbs stiffened and then loosened as if melting. The projector reflecting the past clicked and slowly came to a halt. Ten years of film remained.

* * *

Snow fell on that strange Christmas Eve. The snowflakes that had begun to flutter around sunset gradually grew stronger, and by eight o’clock, they were pouring down. Dusty streetlamps emitting a yellowish glow, streets filled with exhaust, buildings whose cracks were hidden by flashy bulbs… everything hid its filth beneath white, clean grains of ice. As the heavy snow swallowed the noise, the loud city welcomed a silent night.

A half-smoked cigarette dropped onto the white field of snow. Acrid smoke mingled with the dark void, covered by a long sigh. Leaning back on a bench, Seo Hae-young stretched out his long legs and tapped his foot. His gaze was fixed intently on a video playing on a cracked screen.

「Ah, stop it…」

A low, laughter-laced voice echoed through the deserted park. The focus of the shaking camera lens slowly sharpened. Hae-won, smiling with a furrowed brow, had his cheek stretched out, pinched by someone’s hand.

「It hurts, Seo Hae-young…! Ah… I won’t do it again. I’m sorry.」

The short video ended with Hae-won smiling playfully, his hands clasped together as if praying reluctantly. The white hand that had pinched the cheek was his own, and that day had been just another unremarkable, ordinary day. Days like any other, where he had picked a fight for no reason just because he wanted to see Hae-won look troubled.

Seo Hae-young rewound the video, which was less than fifteen seconds long. In the small screen, Hae-won laughed, grumbled, and apologized. Smoking another cigarette, he rewound the same video dozens of times. He was gentle, quiet, and clean. Deep tooth marks were left on the white filter.

‘Stop it…’

“I’m going now! No, suddenly the Hyung I live with…!”

At some point, the sounds overlapped. Looking up, he saw a clumsy-looking man urgently running up the stairs of a building across the way. He watched blankly until the man, holding his phone to his ear and stomping through the accumulated snow, disappeared beyond the alley, then he turned his head. The semi-basement window, covered by a pale security grate, was pitch black. The cigarette grew shorter, and a bitter taste lingered on his tongue.

For over two hours after that, the person he was waiting for did not appear. Seo Hae-young crushed the piled-up snow with the soles of his shoes and turned off the video he had watched dozens of times. Then, he opened a text window that had gone unanswered for months and tapped the keyboard. Two messages were sent, but the read receipt still didn’t appear.

[You said you missed me]

[When do you want to meet?]

Leaving behind a short question and an even shorter grace period, Seo Hae-young stood up. The intensifying snowfall covered the footprints left in the alley without a trace.

* * *

The depression, spreading like a contagion, reached all the way to a dim pub.

Hee-seong, leaning over the table as if lying down, sighed while fiddling with a beer glass beaded with condensation. It was a shop Seo-hyun liked. He had gone so far as to make a reservation and wait, only for a sudden family event to pop up.

Unable to spend Christmas in loneliness, he had begged one guy to come, but the person sitting opposite him also didn’t seem to be enjoying today.

Tae-gyeom, who had been silently draining his drink while resting his chin on his hand, rubbed his eyes. He looked exhausted. The skin that had been long-torn had naturally blended in, settling beneath his eye. His already harsh impression looked even more fierce. With the corners of his mouth split, looking as if he had just come from another brawl, he looked exactly like someone strangers would easily misunderstand. Hee-seong narrowed his eyes, lost in a trivial thought.

With that face, will he ever get married? Honestly, the person who scarred him should be the one to take him.

When wondering who had inflicted the wound, one person came to mind. He remembered a figure standing precariously under a streetlamp with their back to the river, and a face frozen by the cold wind. And the emotions that followed were a mixture of an uncomfortable question and guilt.

A dark alley, Hae-won running across a bridge in summer clothes in the dead of winter, the bizarre situation created by an eerie voice—he hadn’t been able to make a proper judgment. It was an excuse, if any, for giving Seo Hae-young the address without hesitation. Hee-seong opened his lips as if to shake off the negative emotions.

“What have you been up to lately? It’s hard to see your face.”

“Why do you want to know?”

It was a habit of speech that made him regret the moment he showed concern, even as a joke. Hee-seong tossed a small snack and slumped onto the table.

“I’m not that curious, just say something.”

“Honestly, Kim Seo-hyun was way too good for you.”

When Hee-seong glared at him with a look full of curses, Tae-gyeom raised an eyebrow and mouthed, ‘What?’ He was disparaging someone who was dating—not necessarily ‘well,’ but nonetheless normally. Sending a displeased look, Hee-seong pressed his forehead against the table and whined.

Tae-gyeom listened to Hee-seong’s lamentations—about how nothing was going right at the end of the year, as if he were under some curse—with one ear and let it flow out the other, turning his gaze aimlessly toward the next table. The group seating, located quite a distance away, had been quite noisy since they entered. People of various ages and genders were gathered and chatting, and it was so loud that it drifted into his ears even though he didn’t want to hear it. The voice of the man at the center of the group was particularly loud and, consequently, irritating.

“His mind is a bit… like that, you know? But he doesn’t look like it at all!”

“What does ‘look like it’ even mean? You said you brought him. What a funny bastard.”

“He’s really handsome. I didn’t know he was that level. His hands were shaking like this, and I just couldn’t leave him behind.”

Laughter erupted simultaneously. Among the tables engaged in quiet conversation, only that place was boisterous. The shop owner, who preferred a quiet atmosphere, glanced at the table with a displeased expression but didn’t step in to stop them. Amidst the indifference, the man’s voice grew louder.

“Handsome? How old is he?”

“Twenty… two, or three. So what if he’s a pretty boy, Noona? I’m telling you, he’s out of his mind.”

“Tell him to leave. Why bring some weirdo home?”

“I didn’t know… Ah, look at this. This watch belongs to that Hyung, right? This is fucking expensive, isn’t it? He also carries a ton of cash in his bag. Strangely.”

It was an uninteresting conversation. However, it was better than the tedious love stories coming from the slumped Hee-seong. Tae-gyeom fiddled with his earlobe, took a sip of alcohol, and set it back down. Turning his head diagonally, he saw the young man showing his wrist clearly under the orange lighting. The man leaned in and whispered in what he thought was a small voice, but coincidentally, his voice was not small at all.

“No, but… I think he sells his body. The scars are no joke. There are some marks that look like he was beaten. His reactions are a bit weird too; anyway, I’m telling you, I shouldn’t have brought him.”

“Where did you meet him?”

“My old neighborhood! I worked with him briefly when I had a part-time job there, and I met him when I went back home this time. Did he run away from work?”

Tae-gyeom quietly watched the man who was blossoming in conversation while massaging his stiff neck. Thanks to the dim interior, the man, unaware of the gaze, continued to chatter away. He was a good talker. He piqued interest just enough, and was just annoying enough.

Normally, he would have blocked his ears, but strangely, he was preoccupied. Familiar words popped out of the man’s mouth. Neighborhood, convenience store, the appearance of the man who allegedly sold his body. The characteristics of a person he had wandered through entire regions searching for, without a single clue, were appearing everywhere. A thin, scar-covered body, a frightened gaze that flinched and looked up when touched, and the habit of curling up and sleeping as if dead.

“Is he still at your place? I’m curious.”

“I just gave him some meds and put him to sleep. Going to the hospital is a bit… problematic.”

“The meds you took last time? You can’t just take those.”

“I know. But I had no choice…”

Tae-gyeom’s mood sank as he overheard a story with so many overlapping details that he wanted to dismiss it as a mere coincidence.

For several months, he had chased ghosts like this several times. If a back looked similar, it wasn’t him; if the way of speaking seemed similar, it was different once he visited. Just suppressing the urge to rush out and ask required so much strength that his clenched fists tightened.

By the time his neatly trimmed nails dug into his palms, leaving deep red crescents, the man stood up. Tae-gyeom, who didn’t take his eyes off the man as he looked around as if going to the restroom and approached, frowned when he spotted a familiar watch on the wrist exposed beneath the rolled-up sleeve.

The image of a back walking away, wearing a watch he had bought without hesitation because the dark leather seemed to match the gold rim with a slight pink tint, flickered in his mind. At the same time, he felt certain. Closing and opening his stinging eyes, Tae-gyeom stood up unsteadily.

“Cigarette?”

Hee-seong, straightening his back, asked, but Tae-gyeom moved before he could answer. He followed the man, scanning him as he headed toward a secluded hallway. Perhaps because he had drunk quite a bit, his staggering steps were slow, contrary to his urgent heart. Passing the restroom, Tae-gyeom, standing a few steps away from the man lingering at the end of the hallway, grabbed the handle and opened the door. In the light illuminating the dark hallway, the man who looked back had a flushed face.

“Ah, thank you.”

Tae-gyeom stepped into the restroom, following the man who trotted in. While the man did his business and washed his hands, Tae-gyeom stood with his arms crossed, watching him silently.

If he were an acquaintance of Yoon Hae-won, whose social circle was so narrow it practically didn’t exist, there was no way he wouldn’t know him, yet this was a guy he had never seen anywhere. While examining the face that oozed youth, the man, humming a carol and tidying his waxed bangs, seemed to notice the gaze and began glancing through the mirror.

It could be a misunderstanding, or an overreaction. Clenching and then releasing his fist, Tae-gyeom looked into the mirror and spoke.

“Hey.”

It was a husky, dry voice. Seung-wan, who had been decorating his Christmas in a mediocre fashion, looked at the stranger with a bewildered expression. Being addressed abruptly in informal speech, he couldn’t answer immediately, unable to recognize who the target was. He narrowed his blurry eyes to see if it was an acquaintance, but it was someone he had never seen in his life.

Tae-gyeom stepped closer to the pondering Seung-wan and pressed the lever to stop the flowing water. As the heavy stream ceased, only the sound of the ventilation fan echoed in the restroom. Tae-gyeom even pulled out a tissue and handed it to Seung-wan.

“Yoon Hae-won?”

“…Yes?”

“The bastard you said sells his body.”

Moisture soaked into the rough tissue. Seung-wan’s cheeks stiffened slightly. His voice had been a bit too loud for it to be just eavesdropping, and the impression of Tae-gyeom, standing tall and blocking the restroom entrance, was quite poor. Perhaps it was the furrowed brow, or the scar beneath the eye. Throwing the wet tissue into the trash, Seung-wan unconsciously let out a scoffing tone.

“What the hell suddenly…”

He felt a bit scared after speaking thoughtlessly, but he shrugged as if it were nothing. Thinking it best to avoid the situation, he tried to turn away quickly, but he was yanked by his collar by a powerful grip.

“I’m not finished talking.”

“No, why are you doing this? Let go, please.”

Seung-wan tried to violently shake off the arm and leave, but it remained only a fantasy. Tae-gyeom, gripping the collar, didn’t budge and searched the inner pocket of his coat with his other hand. A photo he always carried caught his fingertips. Shoving the crumpled photo in front of Seung-wan’s eyes, he asked again in the kindest words possible.

“Is this the kid?”

“I— I told you I don’t know!”

The moment Seung-wan turned his head without looking properly at the photo, the taut string of patience snapped hideously. He gripped the collar and shoved the scrawny body forward. Seung-wan, pushed so hard that a dull thud echoed, coughed, but Tae-gyeom didn’t care and slapped his cheek repeatedly with the hand holding the small photo.

“Look, you bastard… This is the kid, right? Huh?”

A severe lack of sleep had clouded his judgment. The urgency toward Hae-won, who had left no clues, surged up to his throat, making it impossible to endure for a moment, and thus, his bad habit of violence emerged.

Since the name Tae-gyeom spoke and the photo he showed belonged to the person he had used as a cheerful topic of conversation, there was no way Seung-wan didn’t know, but he stubbornly pretended not to. He couldn’t readily admit it because of the aura Tae-gyeom emanated and the scars left on Hae-won’s body. It wasn’t an act born of a shallow sense of justice, such as wanting to protect Hae-won, who would be in a deep sleep drugged by now. It was simply a denial that popped out without thought, driven by a desire to escape the situation. Was it a mistake to naively think that he wouldn’t be hit if he said he didn’t know?

Eventually, Tae-gyeom raised his hand, and just as a terrified Seung-wan squeezed his eyes shut, the closed restroom door clicked open. Hee-seong, who had come to find Tae-gyeom because he hadn’t returned, rushed inside the moment he saw Tae-gyeom with a raised fist.

“Hey! You crazy bastard, seriously…!”

Pulling Tae-gyeom’s shoulder away to distance him, Hee-seong helped up Seung-wan, who had collapsed with weak legs, and apologized on his friend’s behalf, saying he had drunk too much. Seung-wan didn’t even manage to say he was okay and hurriedly bolted out of the restroom. Hee-seong gripped the collar of Tae-gyeom, who was trying to follow, and shoved him toward the sink. Tae-gyeom, drunk and exhausted, was easily pushed back, then suddenly grabbed his head and leaned against the sink.

“Ah, fuck…”

“Are you insane? What the hell are you doing right now?”

Tae-gyeom buried his face in both palms and remained silent. His fatigue-ridden head spun. Consequently, his vision became a dizzying tangle. The carols echoing softly in the clean restroom were maddeningly irritating, and he pressed his temples with a furrowed brow. It felt like his head was splitting. The sensation of being poked by something sharp continued relentlessly. Thus, he had no room to answer whatever Hee-seong said.

“What is wrong with you, seriously…”

“Fuck… just be quiet for a second.”

Tae-gyeom, gritting his teeth from the severe headache, spat out a curse. Hee-seong looked down at the guy who was getting angry after he had barely managed to clean up the mess, then rubbed the back of his neck.

He wondered what was happening. Tae-gyeom, who used to be sarcastic and mocking at every turn, had suddenly changed. He didn’t laugh, he didn’t openly throw tantrums, and in the first place, he didn’t even answer calls on time. Overall, everything had sunk and become murky.

Unable to see the cause, Hee-seong sighed, then spotted a photo that had fallen on the sink and stepped closer. Passing by Tae-gyeom, who couldn’t seem to regain his senses, he leaned over and saw the faint photo clearly. In the photo, which was crumpled and patched together with tape, the person he had encountered a few days ago was wearing a bright smile. He was also the person he had thought of a moment ago. Hee-seong narrowed his eyes slightly as if seeing something strange.

The person in the photo was the Hae-won he had seen on the bridge, but also not. It wasn’t just because he had lost weight or the hair color was different. The person in the photo, wearing a gym suit with brown hair tousled, had a completely different aura from the person he had seen that day. A different smile, a different expression, a different color. He was a completely different person.

“What are you looking at.”

The photo he had been staring at vanished in an instant. Tae-gyeom, who irritably stuffed the photo into his inner pocket as if it would wear out if looked at, violently kicked the restroom partition. Hee-seong didn’t say much to the back of the man leaving the restroom, and he almost spoke the name that had become familiar, but he shut his mouth. What stopped him was a vague memory. The words Seo Hae-young had left after ending a call a few days ago.

“Don’t tell anyone.”

A single phrase whose meaning wasn’t easily understood suddenly came to mind regarding Tae-gyeom. Hee-seong bit his lower lip and sank into thought. It was subtle. The fact that he carried a photo of his friend, and that the person was Go Tae-gyeom. An uncontrollable question clung to him thickly. Did ‘anyone’ include Go Tae-gyeom as well?

A gloomy Christmas, blessed by no one, was racing toward its end.

* * *

As the lingering afterglow of Christmas faded, a strange sense of emptiness remained like sediment. Rubbing his throbbing head, Seung-wan returned home after two days. He was startled once by the ice-cold air inside the house, and twice more when he discovered Hae-won burning up with a high fever.

“Hyung, Hae-won Hyung…!”

Only disheveled bedding remained on the mattress he had provided. Collapsed between an open bag and scattered clothes, Hae-won looked almost dead at first glance. Seung-wan hurriedly pressed his ear to the man’s chest and held his breath; he could feel a faint, beating pulse. After dragging the miraculously living Hae-won onto the blanket, Seung-wan wiped the cold sweat from his pale forehead and let out a long sigh.

“This is driving me crazy…”

As he tidied the messy house, his mind became cluttered with memories of Christmas Day. Thanks to moving locations immediately after leaving the bathroom, no unfortunate incident had occurred, but judging by the man’s aura and hostile attitude, his suspicions seemed to be true. Furthermore, there was the gift left in front of the house. Turning his head, Seung-wan glanced at the mysterious present hidden behind the garment rack and scratched the back of his neck.

To him, it looked like a misdelivery, but he wondered what on earth had happened to make the man fall so ill. Regardless, it felt unsettling, so he couldn’t bring himself to open it or throw it away; he had to wait until Hae-won woke up.

“What should I do?”

Part of him wanted to kick him out before things got ugly, but looking at the man’s heavy wrists and pallid face, he wondered if he should let him stay for a few more days. Unable to cast a sick person out into the dead of winter, Seung-wan stood up and walked into the kitchen, only to frown. The sink was bone-dry, and the empty refrigerator showed no signs of anything having been eaten. While he was debating whether to wake him up to feed him, he heard a presence outside the door.

“Jang Seung-wan!”

A loud knock followed. With wide eyes, Seung-wan opened the door to find the General Manager, whom he had parted ways with the previous evening, barging in recklessly while rubbing his arms against the cold wind.

“Wow, damn…! It’s freezing. Hey, order some food. Something with broth so I can cure this hangover.”

“What are you doing here? I thought you went home.”

“Construction on the floor above. Fuck, it’s too loud to live. I’m staying for a bit.”

The General Manager, claiming they had been hammering away all week, stepped inside and discovered Hae-won occupying a corner of the small house. He poked at the blanket with his foot.

“Is this the guy? The whore.”

“Ah, Hyung…!”

“What? He’s sleeping.”

Telling Seung-wan to just hurry up and order food, the General Manager sniffled and walked over. As he pushed Hae-won’s head—who was lying on his side—with his foot, the man’s pale face was fully revealed. The General Manager crouched in front of him and turned the flushed face this way and that. He grabbed and shook the high bridge of the nose, but it didn’t seem like he had been touched otherwise. Resting his chin on one hand, the General Manager kneaded Hae-won’s face as he pleased, muttering sarcastically.

“Guys who look like this must have such easy lives, huh?”

“Why are you like that? He’s actually really pitiful.”

“What’s so pitiful? He gets paid just for giving up his body. I’m the pitiful one, I am…”

Abruptly letting go of the frail Hae-won’s chin, the General Manager turned on the clunky television and leaned against the wall. He irritably pushed away Hae-won’s arm, which was in the way of his outstretched legs, and quickly became absorbed in a giggling variety show. After ordering food and returning to the living room, Seung-wan roughly covered Hae-won with the displaced blanket and sat down beside the General Manager. With worries already weighing on him, he found the unexpected guest secretly welcome.

“But should I let him go? What if some gangsters come looking for him?”

“Just keep him here and give him over then. Who knows? You might even get a finder’s fee.”

“Money, my foot… I just hope nothing terrible happens.”

The two of them pushed the delirious, ailing Hae-won into the corner of the room and shared trivial conversations with chuckles. As if continuing the drinking session from the night before, they took out cold soju and shared it; occasionally, if Hae-won opened his eyes, they would feed him a spoonful or two of rice soaked in water and then leave him be.

While the frozen snow on the streets melted dirtily, Hae-won wandered aimlessly through his unconsciousness. He dreamed of happy times, dreamed of the summer when everything broke, and dreamed of a blurred future. For a long time, without knowing how many days and nights had passed.

* * *

Using the construction as an excuse, the General Manager stayed in the semi-basement for quite a while. This was largely due to Seung-wan’s indifference; he didn’t feel particularly uncomfortable whether one person was there or two.

While the two were out, Hae-won woke from his long slumber. As if he had forgotten the nightmare of Christmas, he looked around the room with a blank expression. His head was slightly dizzy, and his body felt sticky.

“Ah…”

He cleared his throat, which was dry and tight, and let out a frail groan. He felt that something was strange, but he didn’t have the mental clarity to perceive what it was. Throwing off the blanket, Hae-won gripped his hands, which were trembling slightly from days of starvation, and headed toward the bathroom.

As usual, he left the door open enough for someone to pass through and picked up the showerhead. His spinning head was still a mystery. He couldn’t properly distinguish what date it was or what he was doing. He simply wanted to wash, so he turned on the hot water and let it pour over his head. When his naked body was drenched, a sense of incongruity hit him again. He steadied his dizzy vision and looked down.

The streams of water sprayed in various directions, hitting the floor and scattering. He stared blankly at the water swirling into the drain, but the sound…

Hae-won didn’t notice the front door opening, nor that someone was watching through the gap in the door; he simply followed the flow of water as it poured out and drained away.

The General Manager, who had returned to retrieve a wallet left in his back pocket, peered into the bathroom where white steam was creeping out. Thanks to the steam escaping rather than pooling, the body and skin of Hae-won under the water were vividly exposed. Wet black hair clung in strands to his long nape, and a straight back extended below his linear shoulders. Looking at the damp back, which was densely covered in scars just as Seung-wan had said, he slowly lowered his gaze. His eyes narrowed as he scanned the upturned buttocks and long legs. After watching Hae-won shower slowly for a long time, the General Manager turned away, chewing the gum pressed between his molars with a snapping sound as he left the house.

When the door slammed shut, pushed by the winter wind, a startled Hae-won lifted his head and looked back. He turned off the water and poked his head out past the door.

“Seung-wan…?”

The house was silent, but his left ear was not. Amidst a muffled sensation, a distracting noise lingered around his eardrum. Covering his right ear with his palm, Hae-won tried calling Seung-wan’s name again.

Seung-wan?

What he heard wasn’t so much a voice as a muddy, melted sound of water. It was as if he were in a swimming pool, dragged down to the bottom. While sinking, he felt as if he could vaguely hear someone talking outside the water. After repeating the name a few more times, Hae-won let his trembling hand drop.

Something is wrong with my left ear.

The sound isn’t…

* * *

After washing up and starting to pack his bag, Hae-won slammed his forehead into the floor and lost consciousness. The fever that wouldn’t break and the accumulated emotional trauma defied his will. Since staying awake brought only agony, it was an instinctive evasion for survival.

Thus, around dawn, when the two who had been drinking returned home, Hae-won was asleep as usual. The General Manager, stumbling into the living room, pushed Hae-won into the corner to make space for himself.

“Hey. Get me one more bottle.”

“Wow… Hyung, you can’t drink this much. You’ll turn into a complete dog.”

“You brat, stop talking back.”

Grumbling, Seung-wan opened the refrigerator and raised his voice.

“There’s nothing left! I think what we drank yesterday was the end of it.”

“Then go out and buy some.”

Turning on the television and picking his ear, the General Manager gestured toward the front door. As it approached 1 AM, Seung-wan, not wanting to go out into the freezing cold, lingered on the floor.

“The convenience store is damn far, Hyung.”

Taking out a cigarette, the General Manager pushed Seung-wan away with his foot and handed him a ten-thousand won bill tucked between his fingers.

“Buy some snacks too. I’m hungry.”

“Wow, seriously… throw your ash in the trash can. Stop shaking it on the floor.”

Having received the money unexpectedly, Seung-wan couldn’t bring himself to swear; he only frowned deeply as he put on his discarded padded jacket. After making a futile threat that he would keep the change, Seung-wan left, and the room filled with the flickering television screen and the sound of laughter. Lighting the end of his cigarette and inhaling, the General Manager glanced down. Hae-won’s face, curled into a ball, was at roughly the same level as his foot.

“Hey, hey.”

The General Manager poked the blanket-wrapped Hae-won with his foot, which was clad in a black sock. When there was no sign of him waking, he braced himself on the warm floor and pulled the blanket back slightly. Wearing only a loose t-shirt and tight underwear, Hae-won’s legs shone white, reflecting the light from the screen.

Sniffling, the General Manager reached out and gripped a thigh. There was no soft flesh to grab as he was skin and bone, but the sensation of the firm muscle wasn’t bad. After inhaling the cigarette deeply and quickly finishing it, the General Manager discarded the filter, and his touch grew more lingering, moving deeper. As he pushed toward the inner thigh, the tender skin tightened pleasantly against the back of his hand and palm. Out of curiosity, he kneaded down to the calf, but Hae-won did not open his eyes. He tapped the pale cheek, but there was no significant reaction.

“Is he really sick…?”

Wiping under his nose, the General Manager moved closer to the limp, death-like Hae-won.

He had seen countless types who acted like hustlers. He had clicked his tongue in pity at those who spent the money they made selling their bodies and alcohol on expensive clothes, but inwardly, he felt a twisted emotion. Seung-wan said this man was pitiful, but he wasn’t so sure. Compared to his own life, living like shit selling knock-offs, he couldn’t help but envy a life that made easy money with a lucky set of genetics.

Pulling up the t-shirt to scan Hae-won’s upper body, the General Manager narrowed his eyes. Aside from the handsome face, the body was unimpressive. Some people might like thin men, but for some reason, he found it hard to understand. His curiosity shifted in another direction.

His hand moved down. He grabbed the thin band of the drawers and lifted them slightly. Leaning down to look inside, he frowned with a “Ugh.” The groin was bare. Thinking he had misseen, the General Manager sat closer and carefully pulled down the underwear.

“Wow…”

He hadn’t misseen. Hae-won’s groin was clean. The prettily colored organ was moderately sized and well-shaped.

“…Did he actually use this?”

Staring at the pinkish organ despite being a whore, the General Manager put the underwear back on. He felt strange. He fixed his gaze on the television, but his attention was focused on Hae-won’s body. The low-brow jokes of the variety show didn’t enter his mind at all. With a sharp intake of breath, the General Manager reached out again. No matter how he looked at it, it was strange.

The hand that entered the drawers this time went around to the back. As he cupped the only soft part—the buttocks—with his palm, the sleeping Hae-won’s face came close to his groin. Warm breath touched the area. Unconsciously swallowing dry saliva, the General Manager carefully felt around the buttocks. His brain, moderately numbed by alcohol, failed to feel disgust at touching a man’s ass. Taking the opportunity to slide his hand deeper, the General Manager twisted his thin lips.

“Wow, this bastard… he really did the homo thing…”

When he felt the bumpy, moist mucosa at his fingertips, his actions became bolder. Finding the hole that sucked in his finger fascinating, he slightly spread the butt cheeks, at which point a groan of discomfort escaped.

“Ugh…”

Stopping abruptly, the General Manager shifted his eyes to check Hae-won. Hae-won, lying prone with his head turned, frowned slightly before his face smoothed out again. Breathing a sigh of relief, the General Manager’s gaze fixed back on the buttocks. The wrinkles that twitched and gripped his finger tightened stably, as if they could easily take three or four.

“This is damn fascinating…”

A hollow laugh burst from his twisted lips. He had heard there were guys who did it through the back, but witnessing one in person was both funny and absurd. As he felt the interior of a man’s anus—something he had never experienced—the General Manager’s left hand circled over his pant buckle. He wanted to put it in, but the fact that it was a fellow man bothered him, making his movements hesitant. Eventually, clicking his tongue, the General Manager abruptly pulled his finger out of the damp hole, and at that moment, Hae-won’s eyes snapped open.

Blinking eyes that were hazy with sleep, Hae-won jumped up in surprise the moment the drawer band snapped against his pelvis. As he hesitantly sat up, his head spun. He remembered finishing his shower and packing his bag, but everything after that was pitch black.

“Oh, you awake?”

The moment the unfamiliar voice hit his ear, his body recoiled instinctively, pushing off the floor and retreating into the corner. Hugging his knees and pressing his back against the wall, Hae-won looked at the strange man with bewildered eyes. He hurriedly scanned the room, but Seung-wan was nowhere to be seen, and the man, who had stood up nonchalantly from the floor, turned on the living room light and approached with a swagger.

“Why are you avoiding me? I’m a Hyung who works with Jang Seung-wan.”

Hae-won looked up at the man, who was waving his hand, his shoulders tense. Since he had spent several days sleeping unconsciously, it was natural that he didn’t recognize him. The man, who looked to be around forty, did not have a good impression. He looked despicable, and he looked gloomy. He was the type of person Hae-won mostly saw when working as a server at a pub. In short, he looked like a thug. While he had a flashy air, he was fundamentally different in appearance from Go Tae-gyeom, who couldn’t hide the aura of having been born and raised in a good family.

The General Manager, who had only seen Hae-won’s closed eyes and back, finally looked down at him as if admiring him now that his eyes were open. The pale color of his eyes and his blank expression looked exactly like his own groin. He looked pale and innocent. Crouching in front of Hae-won, the General Manager roughly stroked his black hair and spoke.

“What are you so scared of?”

“Ah, earlier…”

Hae-won, shrugging his shoulders, squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them. The area around his buttocks felt hot. He could clearly feel the hole twitching and opening, but before he could think, a hand smelling of cigarettes pushed his forehead away.

“You were sleeping without clothes, so I was going to help you put some on.”

Overwhelmed by his muffled ears and confused emotions, Hae-won couldn’t respond. Just as he was dropping his head, the front door swung open.

“I’m ba— oh! Hyung, you’re awake?”

Hae-won hurriedly scrambled toward the entrance and hid behind Seung-wan, glancing at the General Manager, who was looking at him with an incredulous expression. Telling him there was no need for that, Seung-wan introduced them, albeit late. Without properly listening or greeting him, Hae-won immediately grabbed the strap of his bag.

“I want to go… I want to go.”

“At this hour? Where are you going?”

“Just, just anywhere. I can’t stay here.”

His meager belongings spilled out of the bag, which hadn’t been zipped. Kneeling on the floor and sweeping the items back in, Hae-won kept swaying his upper body back and forth, even though no one was shaking him. Before his uncontrolled balance collapsed, the General Manager grabbed his arm and pulled him, smiling slyly.

“What, is it because of that gangster bastard? Hyung chased them all away. They aren’t coming, they aren’t.”

Hae-won’s eyes, which had been directed at the floor, snapped up. Meeting Hae-won’s gaze, the General Manager raised an eyebrow and spoke glibly. After popping the cap of a soju bottle and pouring the liquor into a cup, the General Manager gestured to Seung-wan, who was watching skeptically. It was a signal to just go along with it.

“That tall… anyway, the guy looking for you. You can stay here. Huh? Do you get it?”

The General Manager placed the cup in the hand of Hae-won, who was unable to calm down, his eyes darting around busily, and waved his hand as if telling him to drink quickly. Glancing at the General Manager, who was lying smoothly, Seung-wan opened a bag of snacks and scolded him.

“Ah! Hyung, Hae-won Hyung is sick…!”

“You brat, I just offered him a drink!”

The General Manager smacked the back of Seung-wan’s head with a loud thwack and snatched the cup back. After downing the soju in one gulp, the General Manager raised his arm and wrapped it around Hae-won’s shoulder. Startled, Hae-won stole a glance at the General Manager and Seung-wan, who were giggling while watching television. His stiff cheeks trembled. He told himself it was just because he was sensitive, and he carefully rubbed his own arm. He reminded himself that a kind and friendly friend of Seung-wan’s couldn’t possibly be like that. That it was all a misunderstanding. Then, the hand resting on his left shoulder moved minutely. It gripped the rounded bone and then gently caressed it, sending a sudden shiver down his spine.

“That bastard is so funny lately.”

The General Manager’s voice, laughing with a vibration in his throat, held a certain dampness. Hae-won clasped his hands together and picked at a hangnail. Blood seeped out from near his throbbing thumb.

“You’ll be fucked if you date just anyone. Got it?”

Seo Hae-young’s warning echoed hollowly in his ears. Hae-won shook his head as if to shake off a delusion. His mind wouldn’t function. He felt as though he were broken beyond repair. The feeling of becoming stupid wasn’t pleasant, and his left ear remained muffled.

* * *

Sleeping arrangements were the same as usual. Seung-wan and the General Manager took turns using the mattress, and Hae-won lay on the floor.

After swallowing two sleeping pills handed to him by the General Manager, Hae-won lay down facing the clothes rack. The limp garments were so close they almost touched the tip of his nose. The scent of cheap fabric softener was faint, and the smell of perfume, carelessly layered over it, floated in the air. Listening to the snoring of Seung-wan, who had quickly fallen asleep, he toyed with the clothes within reach.

He didn’t believe the General Manager, who was far larger in build, could have driven Seo Hae-young away. Seo Hae-young was not the kind of person who could be shooed away like a fly. Once he took a liking to someone, he clung to them until the end; if he had the intention to storm in and drag him away, he would have caught him long ago. The reason he could hide here was either because Seo Hae-young didn’t feel like doing so yet, or because he had no intention of finding him and was simply poking and tormenting him. It was one of the two. If so, should he leave this place, or should he endure it?

He gently stroked his chest, where a heavy stone seemed to be resting, with his palm. He was still afraid of the cold wind. He was afraid of strangers and unfamiliar spaces. He was barely getting better after meeting Seung-wan, so how on earth could he…

His eyes grew hot. Unable to find his bearings, Hae-won pulled the blanket up to his neck. It was a cautious movement because of the General Manager, who shared the same blanket. He thought he had moved only slightly, but he heard the sound of tossing and turning behind his back.

Hae-won held his breath and quickly closed his eyes. The breath of the General Manager, who had turned over, brushed against the nape of his neck. As the hot breath touched his sensitive skin, the fine hairs on his body stood on end.

Just as the drug’s power, forcing his eyelids down, seeped into every corner of his body making it difficult to even move a finger, a hand crawled under the blanket and wrapped around his waist. Rather than wrapping, the arm felt heavy, as if it were merely draped over him.

“Mm…”

The rustling sound grew louder. The General Manager’s chest pressed tightly against his back, and a limp hand fumbled over his lower abdomen. A chill ran down Hae-won’s spine; he slowly shuffled his body toward the clothes rack and squeezed his eyes shut.

This was all because of those three. It was because he had become sensitive due to those bastards who had shoved into his hole without hesitation.

Without opening his eyes, he counted numbers. The hand on his waist remained motionless. Before he could even count to thirty, Hae-won was slowly submerged in sleep. The drug was potent. Sinking down to the floor beyond his reach, Hae-won let his stiff shoulders drop, unaware that the hand was gradually moving lower.

As steady breathing spread, another’s hand entered his underwear and toyed with his bare groin. The hand, losing interest in the unresponsive genitals, slid between his soft thighs. Hae-won had a long dream, unaware that another’s hand was slickly caressing his skin. The dream, which he would completely forget upon waking, was a happy one.

* * *

The General Manager, lying flat on the floor, finished a noisy phone call while shaking the leg draped over his knee.

“They say there’s a crackdown. Ah, fuck…”

“How long? They’re certainly diligent over there.”

Hae-won, who had been quietly clearing empty dishes so as not to be a hindrance, glanced over. The two were talking about things he didn’t know, lamenting that they had come up empty since the start of the new year. Not particularly curious, Hae-won wiped the table clean and moved to the kitchen, where he began processing the dishes filling the sink one by one before lifting his head.

The small window above the sink was covered by a blurry security grate, but he could vaguely see outside. It was at eye level with the street where people walked, so he occasionally saw someone’s shoes or a stray cat wandering by. While scrubbing the bottom of a rice bowl with a sponge, he suddenly remembered the stray cat that visited every winter, and his hands slowed down.

Would a new person be living in that house? Since they always put out boxes when it got cold, the cat would probably visit this year too, but the new tenant wouldn’t know. He hoped the cat wouldn’t be harmed. He felt a surge of bitterness at the reality that he had somehow lost his home along with the cat.

After turning the rinsed rice bowl upside down, Hae-won let out a sigh and then flinched. The rough fabric of jeans rubbed against his buttocks, which were covered by thin training pants. A thin, unlit cigarette was tucked between the fingers of the hand gripping the sink, trapping him, and a skin-crawling voice followed.

“My, you’re good at washing dishes… Come to my place. It’s an apartment, an apartment.”

Hae-won gave an awkward smile to the General Manager, who was chuckling with a raspy voice, then lowered his head and scrubbed a plate vigorously. Seung-wan also had moments of excessive contact, but the General Manager was a bit much. When he had tried to pull away once, the man had barked at him, asking why he was being so sensitive between men, which stripped away any excuse to avoid him. Since Seung-wan had also defended him, saying that while the man’s habits were dirty, his intentions weren’t, Hae-won, in his position as a dependent, had no choice but to keep his mouth shut.

Grinding his teeth slightly, Hae-won placed the plate on the shelf and asked casually.

“…When are you leaving?”

“You brat, are you kicking me out now?”

The General Manager, who gripped his shoulder as if to crush it, frowned deeply. Not knowing it would sound that way, Hae-won shook his head and mumbled. After a moment of silence, the General Manager suddenly burst into a loud laugh. Saying that he was shaking again, the hand that thumped his back slid subtly over his shoulder blade and flowed downward. The hand, sweeping down his waist, lightly gripped his buttocks before letting go. As he flinched and instinctively stepped back, the General Manager’s palm lightly slapped the back of his head.

“Keep it clean. Ah, go out and buy some soju.”

The General Manager stuffed crumpled bills into Hae-won’s pants pocket and turned around. As he exhaled the breath he had been holding, his head spun. Should he just leave? An impulse flickered in his dark heart before sinking.

After finishing the dishes and taking off the rubber gloves, Hae-won hovered around Seung-wan. The fear that Seo Hae-young might be outside made it difficult to step out the front door. However, Seung-wan seemed to want to fully enjoy his rare day off. Waving his hand and telling him to hurry back since the sun was up and there were no weird people around, Seung-wan urged him on. Hae-won reluctantly put on Seung-wan’s jumper and bit his lip. He hated going out even more because it was bright.

As he hesitated, clutching the bills, the General Manager, who had narrowed his slanted eyes, shouted for him to hurry up and buy it. For a moment, the General Manager overlapped with his deceased father, and Hae-won, startled, headed for the entrance. However, he couldn’t leave immediately and spent a long time rummaging through the small entryway and shoe rack. There were no shoes. Eventually, he cautiously called Seung-wan, who was absorbed in the television.

“Seung-wan… have you seen my shoes?”

“Hyung’s shoes? I didn’t touch them. Look harder.”

Seung-wan answered half-heartedly without even looking. Hae-won searched the shoe rack again carefully, but the shoes he had worn on the first day were nowhere to be found. Furthermore, there were sneakers there that he didn’t recognize. His eyes rolled toward the General Manager.

The General Manager, stuck to the warm floor, was staring at his phone and muttering curses. No matter how much of a thug he was, there was no reason to steal shoes that didn’t even fit his size. Left with no choice, he slid his feet into Seung-wan’s slippers and stepped outside.

Hae-won opened the door slightly and poked his head out first. The weekdays in the shabby residential area were quiet. Taking one step and fully emerging, Hae-won frowned against the pouring sunlight. The wind blowing through the alley was still cold.

It was quite a distance to the nearest convenience store, so he had to hurry, but Hae-won’s pace was slow. He couldn’t pick up speed because he was glancing at the flowerbeds, the corners of the alleys, and beyond the crookedly parked cars. He shrank at the mere sight of a human shadow, and if he spotted a man with a decent appearance from behind, he was busy hiding. Only after confirming the face could he emerge from a corner, so he spent more than double the time for a distance that should have taken ten minutes. In the dead of winter, beads of cold sweat formed on his forehead.

After a long time, Hae-won arrived at the convenience store. As he stood at the end of the checkout line clutching three plastic bottles of soju, a sleek car entered the shabby neighborhood. The interior of the car, where afternoon radio was playing, was noisy, but only one person was laughing. Even then, he was gauging the other’s reaction.

“Put out the cigarette. The smell is soaking in.”

Hee-seong, who turned the steering wheel toward the main road after exiting the narrow alley, gave a playful reprimand. Tae-gyeom didn’t even pretend to listen, pulling his arm back from the window to inhale the filter. The wind rushed in fiercely through the fully lowered window. Hee-seong, who had turned the heater on high, clicked his tongue in annoyance, saying, “Do whatever you want, you suffocating bastard.” Tae-gyeom asked dryly while lowering the annoying radio volume.

“Where are we going?”

“Just… a drive.”

“Bullshit… in a place like this?”

Letting out a sneer, Tae-gyeom looked outside. In the residential alley, where barely one car could pass, dirty trash was strewn messily under every utility pole. Was that all? Rusted and cracked walls, cluttered power lines, and even frozen food waste. Nothing matched the word ‘drive.’

“Well, just seeing here and there…”

Hee-seong answered awkwardly and turned his gaze forward.

On Christmas, as soon as he found out that the man he caught in the restroom had left the shop, Tae-gyeom had thrown a fit, and Hee-seong hadn’t said a word to him. Not knowing for what reason Seo Hae-young and Go Tae-gyeom were looking for Hae-won, he chose to keep his mouth shut for now. He couldn’t bring himself to say he had seen Hae-won near here, but he couldn’t ignore Tae-gyeom’s unstable state, so the innocent Hee-seong, caught in the middle, did his best to remain neutral. If they met again while passing by, that would be great; if not, so be it. Maybe Go Tae-gyeom would meet him if he were lucky. Shrugging his shoulders, Hee-seong deliberately changed the subject in a light tone.

“Hey, are you in touch with Joo Hyun-woo? No New Year’s greeting, I have no idea what he’s up to.”

However, that was not a particularly welcome topic for Tae-gyeom. Exhaling murky smoke through the window with a furrowed brow, Tae-gyeom looked at Hee-seong with irritated eyes and turned his head back toward the window.

That bastard Joo Hyun-woo—whether he got shot and died there or drowned in the sea, it didn’t matter anymore. Out of old affection, he might attend the funeral, but he didn’t think any tears would fall.

“He’s played around enough; it’s time he studied. That bastard needs to be locked up and forced to do it.”

Sarcastic in a low voice while flicking away cigarette ash, Tae-gyeom leaned his dizzy head against the window frame.

He should have properly crushed the guy he met in the restroom back then. He never imagined the man would slip away in the meantime, and the only hint to find Hae-won had evaporated. He felt as if he had been circling the same spot for months.

In truth, he didn’t even know what he was doing anymore, and he had forgotten what emotion drove him to search for Hae-won. He just wanted to see him once. Whether he was alive, and if so, how he was getting along.

He had left the narrow alley and entered a two-lane road, but the road width was still narrow. Watching the smoke vanish as a car stopped at the crosswalk, Tae-gyeom cast his aimless gaze toward the convenience store located across the intersection.

“Anyway, he’s not the type to be like that, so I’m worried something happened. Hyun-jeong Noona didn’t tell me anything either. Strangely…”

Hee-seong’s voice entered one ear and left the other without lingering. A bright blue parasol swayed gently in the wind. After taking a long drag of the cigarette filter, Tae-gyeom let out a long sigh as he watched the convenience store door open with a cheerful chime. A man who came out clutching a black plastic bag pulled up his baggy sleeves and readjusted the large bag with both hands. The exposed wrists were thin.

The fairly tall and lean body reminded him of someone, making it impossible to look away. The man, with his head lowered, checked the contents of the bag. Even without confirming the face, Tae-gyeom was certain. This was not the person he was looking for. Jet-black hair fluttered in the same direction as the parasol fabric.

Yoon Hae-won’s hair had been a light color. Since the first time he saw him, he found it so fascinating that he had grabbed the reluctant man and pulled at it. It was light all the way to the roots. Coveting the soft brownish hair, he had tried to dye his own a similar color, but failed repeatedly. No matter how much he paid, it looked artificial and messy on him. After making a fuss for a while, he had covered it up because he hated the sight of it, and by then, the hair was completely damaged. Hae-won had frowned as he rummaged through the other’s hair, saying it felt like it would all crumble, and Tae-gyeom had probably raised his middle finger in his face, telling him to fuck off.

Reflecting on a past that would not return made his head throb. Rubbing his forehead, Tae-gyeom flicked the cigarette ash as if to shake off the stray thoughts. It was all in the past anyway. Past events that somehow all converged on Yoon Hae-won.

Returning to reality, Tae-gyeom tried to look away from the man who caught his eye. However, just before the signal changed, the man, who had moved the bag to his left hand, lifted his head.

A pale face was revealed. Following that, bright irises that sparkled like glass under the sunlight appeared. Eyes narrowed slightly because the sun was stinging looked into the distance before slowly turning. A long, white nape, shoulders perfect for hugging, a trudging gait. Everything, everything…

The shortened filter dropped onto the road. Smoke continued to flow from the burning ash, and Tae-gyeom’s mind became a tangled mess in an instant. The moment Hee-seong, noticing the changed signal, shifted gears, all sorts of thoughts slammed into the back of his head.

Why is that thing here? How hard have I worked searching, why is that thing here?

“…Hey! Are you crazy? Hey, Go Tae-gyeom!”

He flung open the car door and leaped out as the car began to roll forward. His legs moved on their own. As he ran across the crosswalk while the red light was on, the sound of tires screeching against the road echoed from all around. Curses erupted from a car that had come to a sudden stop just inches away. Without looking back or offering an apology, Tae-gyeom ran into the alley where Hae-won, whose hair was dyed black, had entered.

The alley, where light didn’t enter well, had no passersby. Instead, dark shadows and a blade-like wind engulfed Tae-gyeom. Rough breathing and a pounding heart intertwined, shaking his vision. Through the shaking sight, the back of Hae-won, walking slowly, appeared, and Tae-gyeom’s expression distorted uncontrollably. Not hearing the sound of him running, Hae-won was moving his steps carefully, but Tae-gyeom grabbed his forearm firmly and spun him around in one motion.

“Oh…!”

The black bag dropped from the startled Hae-won’s hand and rolled through the alley, and the soju bottles spilled out and rolled away. Black hair softly settled on the forehead of the wide-eyed Hae-won. For a moment, Tae-gyeom wondered if he had mistaken the person.

The sharp lines of his lost weight combined with the black hair made him look like a completely different person. The clear and soft atmosphere had vanished. The man, carrying a damp and humid energy like a wetland, was a total stranger. The features, height, and clean skin—everything was the same, yet he was a different person. He saw himself reflected in the horrified eyes of a stranger.

Coming back to his senses late, Tae-gyeom clenched his lips, which wouldn’t move as if they were stuck. There were a mountain of things he wanted to ask—whether he was eating, if he was sleeping properly, how he had lived—but his mouth wouldn’t open. If he had fucked him over and run away like that, he should have at least lived well; facing the bloodless, pale face and scrawny body, he felt a sudden wave of misery. He was in a state that could by no means be called ‘living well.’

The two, their gazes entwined, looked at each other without saying a word. Tae-gyeom looked at Hae-won’s face, which showed no signs of being beaten, and his exposed skin; Hae-won looked at the deep scar remaining under Tae-gyeom’s eyes and his rough lips.

After being frozen like statues, the first to move was Hae-won. As he pulled his captured forearm, the grip, which had been full of strength, loosened with a hollow ease. Squatting on the ground, Hae-won picked up the rolling soju and placed them neatly back into the bag. It was a relief he had bought plastic bottles instead of glass, or the road would have been a mess of shards. As he picked up the soju that had fallen at Tae-gyeom’s feet, a surge of resentment welled up.

This was why he hadn’t wanted to come out. This was the first time he had gone out during the day while the sun was up. He had gone out for just one day… his luck was truly terrible. Wiping his dusty hands on his pants and standing up, Hae-won turned his back on Tae-gyeom, who was watching him with confused eyes, without giving him a single glance.

Before he could even take a second step after the first, his arm was grabbed and he was pulled back. Hae-won, who staggered greatly even from just having his arm pulled, struggled to shake off Tae-gyeom’s hand. However, the grip tightened firmly, not loosening easily as it had a moment ago.

“Let go. Why…”

Even as he put strength into his arm and pulled, Tae-gyeom remained steadfast. While he was struggling to break free, a hollow laugh escaped from above his head.

“…Why?”

Tae-gyeom unclenched his fist, which had gone numb from the tension, and then gripped it tight again. He practiced the words in his head over and over, desperate not to let his anger flare up. According to his practice, he had to start by asking how he had been. After that, he had to say he was sorry for treating him poorly and for leaving him alone without helping. That was what he had to say.

However, seeing Hae-won’s wretched state—wearing a single thin jumper in weather cold enough to make one’s eyes sting, and wearing slippers that didn’t even fit—felt no different from the alleyway itself. He looked like someone who had been born and raised in a foul, damp alley. Tae-gyeom felt like he was going crazy, wanting to scream and ask if he had run away just to live like this. Gritting his teeth until his jaw ached, Tae-gyeom grabbed the struggling Hae-won and pulled.

“Follow me.”

Dragged helplessly, Hae-won seemed to realize this wouldn’t work; he suddenly collapsed and shook his head violently. Tae-gyeom frowned and tried to pull him up by the wrist, but Hae-won resisted with a strength that wasn’t even laughable, acting as if he would die if he left the alley.

“Fuck… won’t you get up?”

As Tae-gyeom instinctively cursed and adjusted his grip, Hae-won slipped from his grasp and ran without looking back. Forgetting that his arm was stinging, he sprinted like mad. As he dove back into the alley, clutching a bothersome, rattling plastic bag, Tae-gyeom’s shout hit the back of his head.

“Yoon Hae-won!”

The sound of exhaling and inhaling breath was vivid only in his right ear. After escaping the alley, Hae-won turned a corner and entered a narrow path. The sound of footsteps striking the cement followed him. He bumped his knee against an old chest of drawers left outside, but he kept running without time to feel the pain. His breath, which had reached the tip of his chin, became labored and mixed with sobs.

He didn’t want to run into him, even by chance. Hating even a brief exchange of words, he turned toward a set of stairs with worn-down edges. Perhaps because he was in such a rush, he didn’t see the bicycle tied beneath a utility pole. His ankle caught in the wheel, and in an instant, Hae-won pitched forward. Unable to even scream, he tumbled down the shallow steps. The bicycle fell with a loud crash, its wheel spinning round and round.

One of his slippers, the top torn where it had caught on the bike, flew far away, and the soju bottles in the bag rolled across the dust once again. Hae-won couldn’t bring himself to stand up immediately; he groaned while lying face down on the ground. His knees and palms had been scraped raw against the cement, and his sprained wrist throbbed.

“Ah, ugh…”

Blood began to bead on his freshly scraped palms. Crouched under a blue slate roof, Hae-won didn’t even notice the urgent footsteps approaching as he gripped his trembling hands.

He couldn’t understand why Go Tae-gyeom was trying to do anything now. Every single word intended to alleviate the other’s guilt felt skin-crawlingly repulsive. All Hae-won wanted from Go Tae-gyeom was to be left alone. He didn’t want a pathetic apology or compensation; he just wanted him to disappear.

Contrary to the wind, the footsteps did not stop and drew closer. As soon as another person’s shoes entered his field of vision, Hae-won hugged the scattered soju bottles and recoiled. When he looked up, that loathsome face appeared. Hae-won shook his head frantically and backed away. However, since there was no space to retreat, it was no different from lingering in place.

* * *

Tae-gyeom suppressed his anger as he looked down at Hae-won, who looked as if he were about to hyperventilate. He had never raised a fist or kicked him, yet the sight of Hae-won’s sheer revulsion felt like a subtle sorrow. Pressing his aching temple with his palm, Tae-gyeom slowly knelt before the pathetic yet pitiful Hae-won, who had managed to injure himself despite not even being able to run properly.

“Do-don’t touch me.”

Tae-gyeom pulled the wary Hae-won’s arm, silently stroking the wrist where a red handprint had formed, before sliding his hand up the arm. The rustling jumper crumpled under his hand. He felt the thin forearm through the flimsy fabric.

It wasn’t just his face that was gaunt. Holding the forearm, which felt as if it might snap with just a little pressure, Tae-gyeom cupped the cold cheek, feeling the body trembling vividly. As Hae-won tried to pull his head away, Tae-gyeom leaned in, swallowed a sigh, and asked in a low voice.

“Why won’t you leave?”

Hae-won couldn’t fix his gaze on one spot, his eyes darting around restlessly. The plastic bag clutched in both hands crumpled further. After glancing up to gauge Tae-gyeom’s reaction, Hae-won finally opened his lips.

“The watch… I’ll give the watch back. So don’t come looking for me.”

For a moment, Tae-gyeom frowned, not immediately understanding which watch Hae-won was talking about, before letting out a hollow laugh. He remembered the watch the clumsy boy had worn as if it were his own, and he was momentarily speechless. He didn’t care about a mere watch—whether he sold it or gave it away. He hadn’t spent months agonizing and suffering just to get that one thing back.

Tae-gyeom gripped the shoulders that shrank even at a short laugh, hesitating for a long time, unable to choose one thing among the many things he wanted and needed to say. As his hesitation grew, Hae-won tried to escape, pushing the alley floor scattered with stone dust with the sole of his remaining slipper. Shaking his shoulder to tell him to wait, Tae-gyeom bit his lip hard and spoke in a sunken voice.

“…I won’t do that anymore.”

It was a single sentence that came after long deliberation. Tae-gyeom hesitated for a moment and then carefully let out the words he had practiced.

That he was sorry for treating him poorly and for leaving him alone without helping.

He had tried his best not to use curses or harsh words, but he didn’t know if he sounded sincere. Hae-won only hugged the plastic bag to his chest, glancing at him with eyes still full of anxiety. Tae-gyeom’s brow furrowed deeply at the ambiguous attitude, not knowing if he had understood or not.

“It was all my fault, so fuck… just let me do something.”

Muttering a clumsy plea, Tae-gyeom shook the shoulders of Hae-won, who was staring blankly. As if suddenly snapping back to his senses, Hae-won’s long eyelashes, which had been cast down, lifted. His trembling lips opened, but it wasn’t the answer Tae-gyeom had imagined. Instead of the resentment, anger, or sadness he expected, a question filled with a strange conviction burst forth.

“Is it because you want to?”

“…What?”

“Sex. I think you still want to do it, but you… you don’t have to. You probably won’t want to.”

Tae-gyeom felt a sudden wave of dizziness and grit his teeth. Becoming impatient, Hae-won hurriedly rolled up his sleeve. “Look,” he said, pulling it up to near the elbow, revealing wounds that had been hidden by the clothing. The pale skin was hideously covered in red scratches and bite marks. Hae-won pointed to the wounds one by one, watching Tae-gyeom’s reaction with a look that hoped his interest would fade.

“Look. Here… and here too… I have a lot of these. It’s disgusting. Dirty.”

When Tae-gyeom remained silent, Hae-won pulled down the stretched collar to show his collarbone. As he stretched his neck, the skin of his nape and chest was revealed, and it was the same as his arms. The skin that had once been clean, smooth, and pleasant to the touch was now a complete mess.

It was the punishment he had inflicted upon himself whenever he thought of Seo Hae-young and wanted to return to him. The longing had been so deep that it was an ordeal just to suppress the urge to stab himself with a sharp knife or pour boiling water over his skin. Hae-won forced the corners of his mouth up into a clumsy smile.

“You wouldn’t feel that way anymore, right?”

With that, he repeatedly showed the disgusting scars. Tae-gyeom had once said that such things were skin-crawling and repulsive. He remembered that clearly. If he saw such a dirty, miserable, and filthy sight, he wouldn’t come back, no matter how much he lacked a partner to fuck.

“See? You see it? Find someone… someone else.”

Tae-gyeom could only stare, unable to even touch the scars that had become deeper and more dense than before. Hae-won, who had been stroking the wounds that would sting at a mere touch as if it were nothing, calmly tidied his disheveled clothes as if he had expected this.

“N-now, please go.”

Hae-won pushed his shoulder gently, but Tae-gyeom could not tear his gaze away from a long cut on the scraped palm. The skin that the blade had sliced that day had healed. Tae-gyeom’s eyes, filled with pity and regret, scanned Hae-won from head to toe as if tearing him apart. Soon, a hollow laugh escaped.

I wonder. He wanted to lick those scars that were surely dirty. He wanted to suck on every single one of those scars that he would normally find too repulsive to even look at. He wanted to thrust his cock against that gloomy face and smear sticky semen across those pale cheeks. Even facing wounds that clearly showed how much he had suffered, a disgusting imagination bloomed and weighed down his head and shoulders. He could no longer tell what this emotion was. Tae-gyeom closed his eyes tight and opened them, erasing the afterimage of the gasping, bruised Hae-won, and took the lowest posture he could manage.

“If you hate it, I won’t do it. I won’t even touch you. I’ve thought about it a lot, so…”

The words poured out somewhat hastily, but the end trailed off. Tae-gyeom, who was more accustomed to coaxing through intimidation than whispering sweet promises, could not find the right words to follow.

Hae-won, who had been looking up with bright eyes permeated with expectation and anxiety, lowered his long eyelashes. The resentment, anger, and sadness that had not escaped his lips remained vividly on his withered face. Silence settled over the alley where the cold wind howled. Both of them remained silent, their hearts full of things they wanted to say to each other.

Around the time the sunset brought by the night draped over the alley, cold fingertips tickled the back of a hand. Slender fingers covered the hand clutching the collar and slowly pulled it down. While Tae-gyeom looked down at the back of the hand that felt as damp as a swamp, Hae-won’s tightly closed lips opened.

“I… I hate you so much.”

He had said it numerous times already, but no matter how many times he poured it out, it wasn’t enough. Hae-won distorted his face and shook his head repeatedly. The expression covered in loathing and fear made Tae-gyeom’s chest tighten, as if just looking at it was a sin.

Ah. The low, small exclamation that escaped Tae-gyeom’s teeth was neither a realization nor an admission. It felt as if he had been immersed in something for a long time without knowing it was wrong, only to step back and face a result where everything had slid completely off course. A result where he ended up letting go because he didn’t know where to start untangling it.

Unable to find a way, the scar beneath his eye burned as if seared by fire. A headache followed, splitting his head into dozens of pieces. It was a headache that had appeared at some point after Hae-won disappeared, disrupting his daily life.

“…Yoon Hae-won.”

Tae-gyeom bent his waist as if collapsing and rested his forehead against Hae-won’s chest. Contrary to the cold rejection he poured out, his embrace was warm. He burrowed into the chest that had no room to hold him, leaned against the shoulder, and closed his eyelids.

“What… what am I supposed to do? You tell me. I don’t understand a thing, so please tell me. Fuck, please…”

The bright sun was setting, leaving the commotion behind. Hae-won, staring blankly at the roofs of the residential area turning red, parted his dry lips.

“Leave me alone. You’re good at that…”

Lifting a limp arm, Hae-won clumsily wrapped it around Tae-gyeom’s back. Slowly patting the broad back with his scraped palm, he murmured quietly.

You started all of this. Everything.

The breath touching his nape held moisture, and the shoulders that had seemed only arrogant collapsed miserably. Feeling nothing, Hae-won mechanically patted the back of the culprit and former friend. He wanted to stop now. Seo Hae-young was enough of a person to blur the boundary between dreams and reality.

Icicles hanging from the slate roof melted, dripping water drop by drop. A cold droplet fell and split across Hae-won’s cheek. The ice, flowing along the path of a tear, soaked into Tae-gyeom’s shoulder.

With the sunset behind him, Tae-gyeom slowly confessed his unfiltered inner thoughts. That he wanted to drag him away even if he had to beat him, that he could strip him and fuck him even here, and that he was so sorry because of it. That he had searched for him without sleeping and felt like he was going crazy. So, he asked if he couldn’t just give him a chance.

However, Tae-gyeom’s forehead was resting on his left shoulder, and what Hae-won heard was the sound of still water. Like the swimming pool Seo Hae-young had dragged him down into, it was deep water where only vibrations were transmitted through a layer of film. Still unable to escape that summer, that villa, and that swimming pool, Hae-won gently stroked Tae-gyeom’s quiet back.

Tae-gyeom’s time, unable to easily let Hae-won go or recklessly drag him away, flowed slowly. Within that limited time, Tae-gyeom asked many things. Where he lived, who he was staying with, if he was sleeping properly.

Hae-won did not answer any of the questions. Promising to wait for the silent Hae-won was all Tae-gyeom could do. But even without speaking, both of them knew. That he couldn’t wait long and that there was no returning.

A year of losing everything without gaining anything finally came to an end. Memories, people, loyalty, and time. We lost things that would never return.

The sun set slowly beyond the distant mountains. It was time to say goodbye. Just as the hand that had been stroking Tae-gyeom’s back slid away and a final farewell was about to leak from Hae-won’s mouth.

“…Don’t come looking for me anymore,”

Before he could even finish the sentence, a booming voice echoing from the end of the alley, where a bluish darkness had settled, ruthlessly broke the anxious silence.

“Hey!”

Hae-won’s head slowly turned to the right. The General Manager, who had gone to find Hae-won himself after he hadn’t returned for over two hours from a liquor errand, was approaching from the end of the alley. Tae-gyeom looked at Hae-won’s panicked expression and then followed his gaze. At the end of the gaze, the General Manager was walking toward them with a swagger, cracking his neck.

“Who the fuck is this guy?”

While Tae-gyeom slowly stood up, Hae-won hurriedly slipped away and walked toward the General Manager. “Let’s go…” he whispered softly, but the General Manager pushed Hae-won’s shoulder aside and took a step forward. Not tall enough to meet Tae-gyeom’s eyes, the General Manager tilted his chin up, scratched his neck loudly, and spat on the alley floor.

“Who are you?”

His eyes glared at Tae-gyeom, but the question was directed at Hae-won. Clutching the soju bottles in one arm, Hae-won pulled at the General Manager’s clothes, trying to pull him away from Tae-gyeom, whose expression was increasingly twisting.

“Let’s just go quickly…”

“No, fuck! Let go!”

Swinging his arm wide to brush off the hand, the General Manager smacked the back of Hae-won’s head with his palm.

“You brat, just stay sti—!”

At the same time a loud smack echoed, Tae-gyeom grabbed the General Manager by the collar and yanked him away, scanning the man with a tired gaze. Soon, a hollow laugh burst out. He laughed because it was simply absurd.

The smell of cigarettes, short-cropped bristly hair, glazed eyes. His gaze remained fixed on Hae-won, who, despite just being hit on the head, was anxiously pulling at the General Manager’s arm. Seeing Hae-won struggling beside a man he would never even speak to in his life, Tae-gyeom was speechless.

“You’re with a piece of shit like this now…”

Between the General Manager, who was spitting out blustering curses, and Tae-gyeom, who held him by the collar, Hae-won didn’t know what to do, his stinging eyes darting back and forth.

Is this what you eventually chose? Tae-gyeom’s eyes seemed to ask. Hae-won distorted his face and shook his head, telling him not to, but the General Manager, lifting his heels, glared threateningly and thrust his head forward.

“You gonna hit me? Go ahead, you fucker. Huh?”

The crown of the General Manager’s head touched Tae-gyeom’s collarbone unpleasantly. It was a precarious moment. At least to Hae-won. Pulling at the General Manager’s clothes and begging him to stop, Hae-won quickly jumped between the two and closed his eyes tight the moment Tae-gyeom raised his hand.

Tae-gyeom’s fist stopped just barely near Hae-won’s trembling cheek. Having narrowly avoided being hit, Hae-won, though terrified, used his remaining hand to pry the General Manager’s collar from Tae-gyeom’s grip.

“Do… don’t do it.”

Hae-won pushed the shoulder away, shuddering as if he had encountered a villain. Even with a touch that held no strength, Tae-gyeom was pushed back helplessly. Blocking Tae-gyeom’s path and hiding the General Manager behind his back, Hae-won forced the corners of his mouth up.

“Go… please just leave me alone. I’m begging you…”

The smile created by his trembling lips was infinitely miserable and equally desperate. Tae-gyeom struggled to face Hae-won through a blurring vision. The more he looked at that servile and pitiful face, the more each of his clenched fingers trembled.

It wouldn’t be hard to beat that thug half to death right here and drag Hae-won away. But… would Yoon Hae-won like that? The question that dominated Tae-gyeom’s mind bound the hand that was about to reach out.

The old streetlight in the center of the alley flickered a couple of times before emitting a faint light.

Hae-won, whose chest had been heaving for a long while as if to say there would be no chance given to him, turned around without a single word of farewell. Only the general manager, who had narrowly escaped a severe beating, spat on the ground and glared at the solitary Tae-gyeom. Tae-gyeom could do nothing. Lacking the courage to be hated and the courage to turn things back, he remained rooted to the spot like a waiting stone.

A single torn slipper on a foot, illuminated by the streetlight at the end of the alley where the two had departed. That was the final goodbye left for Tae-gyeom, who had done nothing but hesitate.

* * *

Even after several weeks, the general manager, who clung to him like a leech, treated the semi-basement as if it were his own home. Since meeting Tae-gyeom, he had gained a strange confidence, and his words and actions grew coarser by the day; he subtly treated Hae-won as if he were his own kept man. Whether it was stroking his thin back or massaging the nape of his neck after running errands, he toyed with Hae-won—who never crossed the threshold of the front door day or night—in subtle ways.

It was a mercy that Hae-won, who spent most of his day in a daze, didn’t notice, but it was enough to make even Seung-wan frown. When Seung-wan, unable to watch any longer, called the general manager aside and told him not to go too far, the response was:

“He doesn’t say a word, so why the fuck are you making a fuss?”

As he said, Hae-won did not resist. If the man shouted or made a gesture as if to strike, Hae-won simply cowered immediately. The sight of a man with a decent build sitting there unable to resist even once excited the general manager in a strange, perverse way.

It was incredibly entertaining to scan Hae-won’s pale neck or scarred forearms while rubbing his own groin, which had grown hot at the sight of another man. Of course, most of this happened while Seung-wan was away or asleep. When Hae-won was awake, it was with glances; when he was deep in sleep after taking sleeping pills, it was with hands. While Hae-won let these unsettling situations slide, the general manager grew bolder. And so, the same cycle of time passed again.

After having a happy dream last night, Hae-won finished the dishes and crouched in the corner of the living room, rolling up his pants.

A large scar had formed on his knee. The round bone was stained deep blue, and the skin, gouged deep enough to reveal pink flesh, looked like it would take a long time to heal. Hae-won paused in thought as he squeezed out the last bit of ointment from a tube that was less than half full. Tae-gyeom’s voice, saying he would be waiting and that he could be contacted anytime, leaked through the tinnitus in his ears. He tilted his head slightly, applied the ointment, and attached a new bandage, letting out a small laugh.

What now… It was a thought that could only bring laughter. He was already erasing the fading memory of Tae-gyeom and carefully attaching the bandage so it wouldn’t fall off when an unwelcome, commanding tone echoed through the narrow living room.

“Hey. Come here.”

Since Seung-wan was out, there was only one person who could be calling. Hae-won, who was throwing the wrapper into the trash, looked back at the general manager, who couldn’t even tolerate that small gap and was gesturing frantically with his hand. Lying on the mattress, the general manager was absorbed in a phone held horizontally. Three or four bottles of soju rolled around the head of the mattress. Lowering the pant leg that had been rolled up to his knee, Hae-won pushed himself forward toward the man who lived in a drunken stupor from early morning. As soon as he approached, the general manager bolted upright and pulled him in by the shoulder without a word.

Hae-won tried to pull his head away, hating the scratchy beard brushing against his cheek more than the heavy arm, but far from letting go, the general manager plopped his phone right onto Hae-won’s thigh.

“Looks like it’d hurt as fuck, but this bastard’s dick is hard. Look.”

Unable to understand immediately, Hae-won looked at the general manager’s expression before his eyes drifted down.

“Ah…”

His lips parted in a small circle. A video was playing on his thigh where lumps of flesh were being mixed together haphazardly. Only then did the familiar noise, entering through his right ear, lodge itself in his mind. Low moans bursting out as flesh collided. The camera zoomed in between the legs of a man lying prone like a beast, receiving a penis between his buttocks. Every time the groin hit the buttocks, a watery fluid dripped from the stiffly erect penis. The moment he realized the two people entangled in the poor, grainy quality were both men, a cold sweat broke out.

“Something this size is great for poking the ass…”

The general manager chuckled, unable to take his eyes off the video. Not knowing why he was showing him this, Hae-won couldn’t find the words to respond. He wondered if the man knew something, a baseless suspicion rising, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask. Even though he knew it wasn’t surprising, recalling the guys who openly watched such videos back in school, his mouth went bone-dry.

“Why…”

The only thing Hae-won could manage was a question with a trailing end. Just then, the camera panned up and zoomed in on the reddish face of the man. While he couldn’t avoid the eyes meeting through the screen, a hand descended, gently stroking his frozen shoulder and circling his forearm.

“Isn’t it fascinating? Huh?”

Following the sound of rubbing fabric, Hae-won’s eyes rolled down again. Slick, slick. It was too vivid to be a sound coming from the video. Eventually, his gaze landed on the general manager’s groin. The moment he discovered the hand rubbing the bulging groin, he bolted upright as if struck by lightning. His vision momentarily turned black, and his legs buckled. A sharp pain flared in his knee, where the wound had not yet healed. As Hae-won fell clumsily, the general manager’s phone, which had been resting on his thigh, rolled across the living room. From the overturned phone, moans that sounded like screams continued to flow.

“Why? You’d be used to this, wouldn’t you?”

The general manager nonchalantly rubbed his groin and pulled at the wrist of the horrified Hae-won. With a flushed face and half-closed eyes, he guided Hae-won’s hand, which was splayed on the mattress, toward his groin. To the place where the erect penis was clearly visible.

Hae-won stared with wide eyes at his own hand being rubbed against the waistband of the pants. The feel of another person’s flesh against his palm was beyond uncomfortable; it was disgusting. He struggled desperately to pull his hand away and looked up with panicked eyes.

“Why, why are you doing…”

The general manager smiled slyly, as if dealing with someone throwing a tantrum.

“God, fuck… If you’ve got nothing to do, you can just touch it, you brat. Do I have to pay you?”

Hae-won could only stare blankly, unable to comprehend the general manager’s sudden words and actions. The man’s glistening eyes and lips were saying something, but he couldn’t understand a word. He was stunned by the general manager’s brazen attitude, acting as if it were only natural that he should touch him.

Leaning back against the pillow, the general manager overlapped his palm over the back of Hae-won’s hand and slowly rubbed his penis. He smiled creepily, poking the glans between the slender fingers through the pilled fabric of the pants.

“Do it as a service. I’ll pay you if I like it.”

“What, why, why…”

Hae-won’s hand remained stiff, neither curling nor opening, held in an awkward position. He was unaware that his wide eyes and expression brimming with sorrow were only whetting the general manager’s appetite.

“Stop pretending to be innocent… I know everything, you brat.”

If he’s been acting like this, he must have squeezed quite a bit of money out of easy targets, he thought. The general manager’s eyes flashed as he sat up. He was starting to find it tedious to only touch him while he slept. As his inhibitions faded, the hand gripping and pulling down his waistband became urgent.

The pants, stretched at the knees, were kicked off and fell to the floor, and Hae-won’s hand was pushed into the groin of the general manager, who was now wearing only a single layer of underwear. There was not a shred of his own will in the movement.

“A brat who sells his ass—how hard can this be? You should pay me back for saving your skin when you almost got fucked. Let’s get one load off before the kid gets back.”

A soft lump of flesh touched his fingers, but Hae-won only stared at the general manager, who was muttering strange words, with a vacant expression. Me? Sell what? Such words repeated several times, and question marks clouded his mind.

Meanwhile, the general manager, forcing Hae-won’s fingers to curl, panted and jerked his cock against the palm wrapping the shaft. A slimy, damp sensation soiled his palm. The wet glans slid in and out between the thumb and index finger, which had formed a circular loop.

Ah… Only then did Hae-won’s lips part slightly. The stickiness felt on his palm, the foul breath, and the sense of revulsion tied together and slammed into his brain. Tae-gyeom’s touch, grabbing his head and shoving it between legs; Hyun-woo, gripping his waist and thrusting up from below; every word and action of Seo Hae-young instantly explained the general manager’s attitude.

“Ah, fuck… Are you good at sucking?”

The general manager, who had been focused on rubbing the glans between his fingers, looked up. Seeing the clouded pupils and flushed face, Hae-won bit his lower lip hard enough to draw blood.

Just like that, after struggling so hard to escape, nothing had changed.

As he twisted his wrist to pull away, his unevenly trimmed fingernails scratched across the general manager’s penis. It was unintentional and unconscious. The moment he hid his hand and recoiled, the general manager let out a shout of “Ack!” and swung his arm. Caught off guard, Hae-won took a full blow to the face and flopped to the side.

“Fuck! Did I tell you to put it in? What the fuck did you do! I can’t do this for free, can I, you piece of shit!”

The general manager, unable to even fix his pants, screamed at the top of his lungs. Having been hit with a fist for the first time in a while, Hae-won blankly clutched his nose. Red blood dripped, staining his palm. The blood flowing from his nose smeared across his burst lip. The metallic scent of blood lingered on his tongue, causing him to salivate reflexively. It was something he had experienced dozens of times since childhood, yet it felt strangely unfamiliar.

“Fine, alright. Here’s money, money! Fuck, you’re acting so damn expensive, huh?”

While Hae-won opened his palm to look, the general manager fished through his pants pocket and threw three ten-thousand-won bills at his face. The bills fluttered down onto the puddles of blood on the floor, and the general manager struck the back of his head once more and shoved his shoulder. Hae-won, falling onto his buttocks, was shaken as the general manager grabbed him by the collar.

Is this a dream? Is it another dream of being beaten and raped? This was the thought that occurred while he couldn’t even hold his head up, as if his neck bones had vanished. While he blinked in an attempt to deny reality, the general manager grabbed his elastic waistband and pulled it down. While he clung to the fabric to resist, he was slapped across the cheek. Hiding his face with his arms against the merciless blows of the fist, Hae-won was unable to resist as his pants were stripped off, and then his underwear was pulled straight down.

No. I’m not like that. A denial that no one would believe flowed from his trembling lips. The general manager, who climbed on top of Hae-won’s thighs, grabbed the back of his pale neck, slammed him into the floor, and sucked on his own fingers to coat them in saliva. When the glistening fingers entered between his buttocks, Hae-won, still muttering the same words, shuddered violently.

“Not like that? Fuck, you little slut… Your hole is like this, fuck…”

“Ack…! Ah!”

The general manager gripped the back of the screaming Hae-won’s neck tightly and moved his hand. Perhaps thanks to the tampering he’d done every night, entry was not difficult. As if he had received permission, the general manager let out a raspy laugh and rubbed the sensitive area.

“See, you little whore… I wasn’t going to put my dick in, huh? But since you’re acting like this, I’m getting pissed. Because I treated a cheap piece of shit like you with kindness…”

“Ah, ah…!”

Hae-won, his eyes glazed over, struggled and swung his arms to push away the general manager’s knee. When he scratched with his nails and struck with weak fists, the drunken general manager mercilessly grabbed and twisted his wrist. The wrist, turned in the opposite direction, snapped with a crack. His mouth fell open, and tears burst forth, flowing uncontrollably.

A horrific time followed. Every time Hae-won resisted, he was hit on the back of the head. Having completely suppressed the other person, the general manager felt not a shred of guilt. Soon, the general manager frowned as he brought his penis to the moderately open, twitching hole. It slid around, and the entrance wouldn’t align.

“Aw, fuck…”

Just then, the sound of a passcode being entered echoed through the small house. Because of the moans from the playing video, the general manager didn’t hear the sound of the door opening and instead lay completely flat on top of Hae-won, pinning his shoulders. Hae-won, his limbs limp, let out shallow breaths, shedding only tears that felt hot. This was something he had experienced several times before. What would be different? As Hae-won quietly closed his eyes and the general manager, having aligned the glans with the hole, was about to push inside, the door opened.

“Hyung, I’m ba—”

Seung-wan froze in place, unable to even close the door properly. His realization was delayed.

“S-Seung-wan…”

The moment his eyes met Hae-won, who was sprawled on the floor, drenched in nosebleed and tears, his rigidity broke. Running in without even taking off his shoes, Seung-wan shoved the general manager’s shoulder away and shouted, unlike his usual self.

“Ah, fuck! What the hell are you doing right now!”

While Seung-wan gasped in panic, the freed Hae-won crawled behind the clothes rack and pulled up the underwear that had fallen below his buttocks. Seung-wan glanced back at Hae-won, who couldn’t even cry out loud, only making small uugh sounds, and grabbed the arm of the general manager, who was spitting curses.

“Hyung, I think you’re drunk, let’s just stop for a second…”

Unable to overcome the anger of having his “hole” snatched away from him, the general manager screamed.

“No, fuck! What do you mean drunk! Hey. Hey, what the fuck did I do wrong! I gave him money, you piece of shit!”

Seung-wan tried to hold the general manager tightly to calm him down, but the general manager instead began to swing his arms and shout. Behind the clothes rack, Hae-won wiped his wet face with the back of his hand and, with trembling hands, pulled over the bag leaning against the wall. He had to leave. He couldn’t live here any longer.

“Ah, Hyung! Stop it, seriously!”

“Fuck… I’m not letting you off. I’ll make sure you can never sell your ass again, I will. Huh?”

The general manager, who punched Seung-wan in the face as he tried to stop him, stepped forward toward the clothes rack. In an instant, he grabbed Hae-won by the hair, dragged him out, and threw the bag he was clutching. Items spilled out of the open zipper and scattered everywhere. Hae-won, dragged out with his hair tangled, looked around frantically.

“Uh, uh…”

A sharp pain flared in his twisted wrist from trying to shake off the general manager’s hand, but he didn’t notice and crawled toward the bag. While urgently sweeping the items back in, Hae-won realized a few things were missing and looked up. His hands shook uncontrollably.

The white envelope tucked into the account book was gone. The bankbook was gone too. He picked up his wallet and opened it, but there was only one fifty-thousand-won bill. Harsh breathing drowned out the tinnitus.

“My, my money…”

He turned the bag upside down and shook it, but nothing came out.

Seung-wan, who had been holding onto the general manager—who had returned to his dog-like state after a brief period of being quiet—shouted for him to calm down. The semi-basement, where no sunlight entered, had become a mess, and Hae-won sat on the living room floor, shivering. It was chaos.

“Money… gone. It’s gone…”

The account book fell from his hand. Hae-won looked up at Seung-wan, and Seung-wan, whose nose was also bleeding after being punched, shifted a suspicious gaze toward the general manager.

“…Did you take it, Hyung?”

“Fuck, was I the only one? You said you were selling that watch too, you piece of shit!”

Grabbing Seung-wan by the collar, the general manager brazenly lifted his chin. Seung-wan, wiping away blood, looked back and forth between Hae-won and the general manager with a bewildered expression before shaking his head urgently.

“No, I haven’t yet…! No, Hyung…! Stop hitting me!”

The general manager kicked the clinging Seung-wan and turned back to Hae-won with a menacing face. Shifting his gaze from Seung-wan, who was rolling around clutching his stomach, Hae-won looked up at the staggering general manager, tears streaming down his face. It was money he needed immediately to leave. Money to take the bus, the taxi, and to stay somewhere to avoid the rain.

“Th-that’s my money. Give it back, please…”

He became instinctively subservient. The general manager, rolling up his sleeve as he approached, looked intent on finishing this here.

“You little shit… Whose money is it? From a bar? Huh?”

This man was different. It wasn’t the fear he felt from Seo Hae-young, but the fear he had felt from his father. Backing away slowly, Hae-won grabbed whatever he could with his blood-stained hand and ran into the bathroom. As he slammed the door shut before the general manager could enter, the pitch-black darkness and the sound of dripping water rushed in like a wave, overwhelming his unstable mind. His breathing broke sharply.

“Ah, ah-eu…”

Locking the door and leaning against it, Hae-won fiddled with the phone in his hand. He powered on the device, which hadn’t been turned on once since the day he ran away. Quickly, turn on quickly. Hae-won prayed desperately, shaking the phone as the logo appeared on the screen. As the screen finally lit up, the battery icon at the top flickered red, looking as if it would die at any moment. As the kicking against the door grew more violent, his limbs began to tremble uncontrollably. Even if he were to be beaten to death, he suppressed the urge to leave this place where the chill pierced his bones and fumbled with the smooth screen.

There were hundreds of missed calls and texts; he pressed the one at the very top. The call connected and a name appeared, but he didn’t have the strength to recognize who it was. Tears blurred his vision, and his consciousness was fading.

Before long, the sound of the lock shattering echoed above his head. The moment he looked up, the door was kicked open. Hae-won was thrown forward helplessly, and the phone, which had been lying on the tile, flew far away. The General Manager, who had stormed in, grabbed Hae-won by the hair again and dragged him outside.

“Hey, alright. Let’s see you die today. There are some bastards who want to try out a man’s hole, you know? You’re dead. You fucking…”

“N-no… I don’t want to, you piece of shit…!”

Hae-won offered a futile resistance with a pathetically trembling voice. The fists that were once capable of knocking down a classmate had become nothing more than a thin, irritating flailing. After slamming the struggling Hae-won onto the mattress, the General Manager picked up the phone, where the video had cut off. He stepped on Hae-won’s head as he tried to push himself up while coughing, muttering curses. Every time Hae-won screamed, a kick to the head followed as a bonus.

“You’re dead, fucker… I’m going to record you and sell it, I will. Huh?”

The General Manager called someone, and as soon as he said, “Yeah, it’s me,” Seung-wan, who had been crawling across the floor, grabbed the General Manager’s arm. The General Manager seemed startled, then began to act out, slapping Seung-wan across the face.

“Let go! Hey, you piece of shit! Let go of me!”

“Hyung, Hyung… Just leave. Get out, quickly…!”

Hae-won, who had been squirming under the General Manager’s foot, let out a small gasp. In Seung-wan’s bruised face, as he smiled and said he would call the man once he sobered up, Hae-won caught a fleeting glimpse of himself.

“No, fuck! I! I paid for that bastard! Let go of me, damn it!”

“Ah, Hyung… seriously, cut back on the drinking. Don’t be like this…”

Seung-wan repeatedly gestured with his eyes toward the dazed Hae-won. His torn lips parted slightly. ‘Park.’ Following the word Seung-wan spoke, Hae-won’s head turned to the side. The wrecked living room, rolling liquor bottles, bloodstains. And the open front door. A cold wind swept in through the door that was barely hanging open. The wind brushed past a tattered account book and touched his bare legs. Get up and get out.

Fumbling as he pushed himself up from the mattress, Hae-won stepped on a bag in his path and sprinted toward the entrance.

“Hey, you fucking piece of shit!”

He ran, leaving the pursuing screams behind. His bare feet crushed the unmelted snow, leaving footprints. Blood seeped through the fresh bandage on his knee. The sharp cold clawed at his skin and tore through his hair. As he wiped his face with his wrist, blood and tears smeared messily, and his swelling cheeks stung. He wiped his blurred vision with his palms. He climbed the cement stairs and ran across the yard of the old house.

The alley split into two paths. Right, left. White breath burst frantically from Hae-won’s lips as he turned his head around anxiously. He heard Seung-wan’s voice from behind. It seemed he had lost the General Manager. Terrified, Hae-won pivoted to the left.

Hae-won ran, chin tilted up toward the sky, which was clear to the point of being freezing, while wiping his eyes. The diluted blood smeared across his pale skin like paint. As he ran, Hae-won wondered. Why he always had to be beaten, why he always had to run, and even why he always ended up like this.

Inside his ankle, which he had sprained not long ago, it felt as if a small pebble were rolling around. With every step, it felt heavier, as if his feet were being driven into the ground.

The pebble Tae-gyeom had planted in him that day was despair. It was a hint that no matter how much he ran, a day like today would repeat, and a rebuke to know his place.

Hae-won denied that pebble on one hand, while acknowledging it on the other. No matter where he went, no matter how much time passed, wouldn’t he remain frozen in this state until his breath stopped? Fearing the sound of water, small spaces, cold tiles, and someone who never comes, for the rest of his life.

“Ah, agh…”

Even as he poured out his sobs, a sound like a beast’s cry echoed from a throat that wouldn’t clear. He stepped into a small puddle of melted ice and lifted his heavy legs. He could see no place to lean on, no one to help, no place to live.

As if possessed, he sprinted through the dead, neglected park, gasping for air. The sunlight filtering through the dense street trees that blocked the sky felt stinging and painful. He passed a bench covered in murky snow, passed a rusted fountain, and as he stepped onto the forest path, he slammed into something.

“Ah…”

It was a person. While Hae-won, who had nearly fallen over, barely regained his balance, something firm hit his face, and something firm wrapped around his waist. Pulled in with a gasp, Hae-won froze, unable to either exhale or inhale his ragged breath.

His two feet, which had been stepping on branches, cement, and small bits of trash, lifted slightly into the air. With his heels raised, only his stiffened toes barely touched the rough ground. It was warm. The broad chest that embraced his ice-cold body melted the chill in an instant and enveloped him.

Soon, Hae-won couldn’t hold it back and breathed, and a familiar, cozy scent flooded into his nostrils. The scent, which paralyzed his brain, spread to every corner of his body. As the two arms wrapped around his waist tightened and pulled him closer, a gentle yet cruel breath touched the red, frozen rim of his ear.

“It’s been a while.”

The soft tone provided a sense of relief, but conversely, it instilled a tremendous amount of terror. A moan escaped, followed immediately by a silent burst of tears. It was a great sob that scratched and tore open his knotted heart. A white hand slid down the spine of the sobbing, gasping Hae-won. The palm, reaching near his waist, slowly patted his back.

“I guess I finally feel like seeing you.”

His limbs trembled at the cryptic words. The tips of his toes, which had been precariously touching the ground, lifted. As a large hand cradled the back of his head, his swollen bridge of the nose touched a broad shoulder. The arms wrapped around his waist tightened painfully, and Hae-won took a sharp breath and buried his face.

The scent of Seo Hae-young, whom he had parted from in late autumn and met again in the following winter, penetrated deep into his lungs.