By Zephyria 
The audience seats were submerged in darkness.
Lately, I had grown accustomed to low-light environments. Strangely, whenever I sat in a bright place, I found myself becoming overwhelmed with sorrow. Being in the dark didn’t lessen the grief, but it was more comfortable because the glare didn’t force the tears from my eyes.
Sitting next to me was Young Master Mikael Ernhardt, while Damian Christopher and Benjamin Claudian sat a few seats away.
In a grand theater capable of holding over 800 people, only four of us were seated. Even though the season of early summer had drawn close, the venue remained chilly.
Mikael, with his tanned complexion, flipped through several pages of the script with a fluttering sound.
Naturally, my gaze drifted toward him. Mikael Ernhardt had eyes very similar to Mikael’s, but aside from that, many things were different.
The most striking difference was their skin. Mikael would tan easily even with a little exposure to the sun. Yet Mika had always sparkled white, no matter how much of the scorching sun he basked in.
Immediately after Mikael’s disappearance, I sent a letter to the Ernhardt family first.
The Ernhardt family’s reply to my letter—which included a brief report on the possibility of his survival, the number of knights to be dispatched to find him, and the directions they would search—was simple.
‘Understood. We shall keep that in mind.’
However, a month passed, then two, and still, no trace of Mikael could be found.
Unable to leave the Imperial Throne vacant any longer, I held a simplified coronation. Lacking the mental capacity to decorate the venue or choose fabrics, I relied on Kate’s help.
As soon as I ascended the throne and gained the necessary authority, I began the punishments I had postponed.
A cold wind blew.
The dust kicked up during the cleaning scratched at my insides, making every day noisy. I wanted to crush every single bastard who spread false rumors, but I stopped at punishing them appropriately by confiscating their assets and sending them to the dungeons.
Theodore thanked Mikael every day. Though I thought it was a pathetic gesture, I left him be.
It was February of this year that I reunited with Young Master Mikael Ernhardt.
I visited the Academy on the day of Young Master Mikael’s entrance ceremony. At the time, I thought Mikael might resent me.
I went there expecting to be cursed at. I thought I could handle being slapped across the face. I wanted to do anything if it meant paying back even a fraction of my debt.
However, as soon as Mikael saw my face, he smiled and made this joke.
“My brother likes plump people.”
I quickly countered.
“I doubt that.”
“You doubt it?”
“Yes. Mika likes me.”
At that, the Young Master let out a deep sigh.
“I know.”
⋯.
Having become far too prone to tears, I couldn’t hold them back. Even though it was my role to comfort him and guarantee Mikael’s return, I failed.
Time is passing too quickly, it’s almost time for him to return, there’s really not much left now⋯. Mikael, who listened to my rambling words until the end, repeated the same thing once more.
“I know. I believe my brother will return too.”
“Your Majesty. Would you like to read this too?”
“No.”
“Why? It’s interesting. After attending the Academy, I realized it. My brother’s timetable back then was truly insane. I honestly don’t know how a person lived like that. Is that how you catch a god, by studying like this?”
“⋯That’s why you should take it easy. I heard you’re taking eight subjects this term. You’ll collapse at this rate.”
“Since I couldn’t enter early, I tried to graduate early, but it’s not easy. Especially Divine Speech. I can’t even get the pronunciation right⋯.”
“Are you trying to become a theologian?”
“Not exactly, I’m just curious about a lot of things.”
“⋯Is Professor Blanc Cooper still teaching theology?”
“Yes. Do you have something to give him?”
“Yes. I’ll send it by courier tomorrow.”
“Great. Thanks to having a good brother, I even get the Emperor’s genealogy. Can I brag about this?”
“⋯I suppose.”
“Haha, great. I’ll share it with my friends. Ah, I think it’s starting.”
The front of the stage lit up brightly. My brow furrowed instinctively.
The curtain rose, and a small child with pink hair wearing a pure white mask stood under the spotlight. The boy was wearing a school uniform and holding a sword.
Then, with a mischievous smile, he pointed the sword straight toward the audience.
“My name is Mikael Ernhardt! I will become the strongest knight in the world.”
Soon, dozens of children wearing the same uniform poured onto the stage.
⋯At first, I opposed the existence of this bizarre musical. I couldn’t bear to watch Mikael be imitated and caricatured with my own eyes.
But Mikael and Asdel were very adamant.
There were too many filthy bastards in this world who spread false rumors despite severe sanctions. It was the same even after Spiritus manifested personally to testify to Mikael’s heroic deeds.
Then, Mika’s clever and cute younger siblings suggested solving it in a ‘Sierren-like’ way.
Since the Ernhardt family wanted to do it, I couldn’t stop them.
Watching the children sing, dance, mingle, and chatter reminded me of the day I first met Mikael. Mikael was the most striking child at that entrance ceremony.
When our eyes met, I fell for Mikael at first sight. To that child who stared at me with sparkling eyes, to that child who would flutter away the moment I tried to grasp him, to that child who chattered energetically and laughed loudly, and to that child who worried about me with surprising sincerity⋯.
I took a deep breath. I widened my eyes.
I didn’t want to cry. I wanted to see Mikael’s face—the face overlapping the white mask, the face that kept appearing whether I closed my eyes or opened them, the face that haunted me even if it fucking strangled me—just a little bit more.
The actor running across the stage didn’t have hair that curved as softly as Mikael’s, nor were his steps heavy and quiet, nor did he clear his throat while touching his chin and cheek.
Still.
⋯Still, I couldn’t tear my eyes away.
* * *
As soon as Act 3 ended, I rushed back into the carriage.
I didn’t even have the presence of mind to say I enjoyed it and was leaving. I had bitten my lip so hard that the taste of blood pooled in my mouth, metallic and bitter.
As soon as I closed the carriage door and drew the curtains, I covered my mouth with both hands. I let out the retching I had been suppressing.
Tears poured down. My shoulders shook incessantly, and my chest heaved.
It hurt so much, so much. I struck my chest with my fist. A fire had ignited inside. A suffocating, acrid ball of fire had entered and refused to leave.
I spat stomach acid mixed with blood into a handkerchief. Even then, the vomiting wouldn’t stop.
I missed him.
I missed him, I missed him. I miss him, I miss him so much.
I felt as if I would be crushed to death by a longing that could not be quenched by such a fake.
Do I have to keep living like this? In a world without you, stepping only on your shadow?
In truth, it was miserable. Trying to find similarities to Mikael while scrutinizing Mikael Ernhardt’s face, lingering around the Academy just to look into those blue eyes once more even while thinking that Mikael and Mikael Ernhardt weren’t alike at all, walking the paths I once walked with Mikael and visiting the botanical garden we visited together, the office sofa and private martial arts training ground prepared for Mikael remaining empty from dawn until night, the teddy bear Mikael gave me becoming faded and limp as the stuffing died.
Breathing, sleeping, eating⋯.
Everything was hard. It was agonizing. It was difficult to endure.
Before, regardless of the circumstances, Mikael was on this continent. I was confident that no matter where he was, I could use various schemes to bring him back.
It was fine if Mikael liked me less or liked me more. It didn’t matter. I just had to do better. I just had to love him more. As long as Mikael smiled at me, I was happy with everything⋯.
But now, I am lost.
I have no idea what to do. I poured massive funding into the five Magic Towers and ordered the improvement of detection and search magic. Hundreds of knights and wizards scoured the entire continent and were still wandering. To ensure rapid information delivery, I increased the number of Ranunculus tenfold.
But still, there was no news of Mikael.
Yesterday, Lucilla said she had searched the coast near the Duchy of Grimsvein. She said she stirred and poked through the seawater to see if any objects had washed ashore. Even after hearing that, I couldn’t bring myself to say that Mikael wouldn’t return as a corpse, so there was no need to search such places.
Those words⋯ I couldn’t say them.
I wanted to see Mikael again in any way possible. I felt I could love him even if he returned as a corpse. I thought it would be better than now if I could taxidermy Mika forever and stay by his side.
No, that’s not it. Mikael’s body temperature was always higher than mine. I wanted him to hold me warmly.
When I leaned on that shoulder and took a deep breath, it was warmer and cozier than any blanket in the world.
My chest, which I had struck several times, still made a rustling sound.
The will with the Second Prince’s seal was written by Mikael. The nobles of Sierren wrote their wills when facing a major turning point in life.
Wills written in such a manner were not opened by anyone until the funeral was over. This was because of a superstition that checking a will in advance would hasten the writer’s death.
I carried it with me at all times, fearing that someone, just in case, might open Mikael’s will early.
I wanted to protect Mikael, but this was all I could do.
Barely, barely protecting this small seal so it wouldn’t open was the entirety of what I could do.
Every single day, I wanted to die.
The reason I didn’t end this life myself was that I had no certainty that Mikael would be in the afterlife. I survived for fear that, by my own mistake, I might fail to meet Mikael. I wasted one day, then another, trembling with anxiety.