By Zephyria 
I was good at recognizing people. I didn’t easily forget faces or names.
Lloyd Denver was one of the dozens of knights who guarded me in the Jade Palace. The first time I saw him was when I was seven years old. He was just like me; he couldn’t look me straight in the eye. Despite his fear of me, he often cracked jokes and chatted lightheartedly.
I didn’t care for him. It was because he was someone Beneto had personally appointed to stay by my side. I always tried not to show any sign of laxity in front of him.
His duty was to defend against any unforeseen incidents within a 30-meter radius of me, but my invisible enemies preferred poison over sending assassins. Thanks to that, he was generally idle.
Consequently, he began to spend his spare time making various toys and laying them out before me. I thought he was pathetic and annoying. I never once played with the things he made—crude carvings of carriages and horses—but he remained cheerful in my presence.
By the time I became an adult, he was already middle-aged.
He continued to guard the Jade Palace even during my time at the Academy. As I stopped visiting the palace frequently, he, who was already idle, became even more so. When Wesley Kiadris requested knights from Beneto for the expedition service to the Yuil Mountains, Lloyd Denver sent me a telegram in his usual pleasant tone.
「May I go as well?」
At that time, I was deeply infatuated with Mikael and in sharp conflict with Richard. I didn’t feel like a man who stepped forward to help Wesley Kiadris, a member of the First Prince’s faction, was my person. So, I…
I suggested that since he was going anyway, why not go as a couple.
It was horrific.
I had never liked Lloyd Denver. But I didn’t wish for him to die either. I hadn’t sent them to be as miserable as possible, as a couple, in this manner. I just…
…Was I really not?
Did I not know he would be in danger if placed beside Wesley Kiadris?
I wasn’t that stupid. The death of the Denvers was practically induced by me. What was more agonizing was the fact that the reason I was sad now was not because of the Denvers’ deaths. I was trembling in fear that Mikael would realize how cold and heartless I truly was.
I was born as such a disgusting human being.
* * *
I returned alive from the Troll horde’s attack.
I informed Duke Widrow of the news of Lloyd Denver and Lily Denver’s deaths and the suspicions associated with them.
Mikael wanted to send me back to the capital.
I was exhausted.
I wanted to fall into a deep sleep and never wake up again.
* * *
The next morning. Mikael woke me up early.
Duke Widrow said it would be more dangerous for me to go to the Imperial Palace. There was no way for Mikael to send me back now. However, even at the Duke’s castle, Mikael could have left me behind and departed for the expedition.
I realized it poignantly during this Troll incident. Mikael is strong. And I… am weak.
My arrogance, blinded by love, was not helpful in the slightest during a crisis. Mikael cleared the path for days on end without rest. He possessed the skill to do so.
I also tried to lend a hand in my own way, but I was protected incessantly. A few times, my legs gave out, and I nearly collapsed. If not for the devotion of Elvin Brooks and Hugh Benson, I would already be dead.
Let’s stop this now, I thought I might hear. Today, I didn’t even have the energy to cling to Mikael’s feet. I thought the best thing was to just come out without crying.
However, what awaited me in Mikael’s room, which I visited with firm resolve, was not a serious conversation.
It was simply,
…flowers.
“Happy birthday, Ruben. I had to get them in a hurry, so I don’t know if these are the right ones, but…”
It was a bouquet so massive it couldn’t be held in one’s arms.
Flowers were rare in the Widdrow Duchy. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say he had emptied an entire flower shop. Entranced by the ecstatic yellow, red, and white lights and the fragrance, I took a step closer, and Mikael gave a bashful smile and cleared his throat.
Dazed, I reached out and took what he offered. Perfume, holy oil. They were things with a scent so sweet it felt ticklish. As soon as I saw the holy oil, my face grew hot again. He bought this without even knowing why I carry holy oil around so diligently. It was absurd.
I kept letting out little giggles. While wondering what this was, my mood lifted mindlessly.
Birthdays weren’t such happy days for me. Yet, Mikael celebrated this day faithfully every year. Come to think of it, before the Troll incident, Miss Philodendore and Mikael had exchanged some written conversation. I had forgotten, but Mikael had not.
To be happy that I was born, and to celebrate it.
My throat tightened with emotion. As I stood there laughing for a while, Mikael brought out another large bundle.
“The, the gift… I didn’t know what would be good, so I prepared a few things…”
“…Yeah. What is it?”
“Well, hmm.”
I took the bundle he handed me. It was heavier than I expected. At this size… it didn’t seem like a gift lovers would exchange. Filled with doubt, I opened the box. This time, I couldn’t laugh.
…A belt?
Is he planning to start acting like a filial son to me now…?
I was well aware that Mikael didn’t know how to put meaning into gifts, but I was stunned because it was such an unexpected present.
I looked up at Mikael. Seeing his face blushing shyly made it even more absurd. What on earth was the train of thought that led him to choose this?
It was very flashy… and very flashy.
The belt, studded evenly with Mana Stones, contained three Defense Magic Formulas. Between the Mana Stones, it was filled with small, low-grade gems that seemed to serve as mediums, and their colors were incredibly diverse.
To put it nicely, it was ornate; to be honest, it was tacky. It was thicker than a generally used belt, so it didn’t look stylish, and it contained all seven colors of the rainbow.
As I kept looking at it, oh, god, it was too funny. What is this? Seriously, what is this?
As if I had never been depressed, my mood lifted instantly. I bit my tongue to keep from laughing. Is this actually pretty? Looking at it more, it seemed like something Mikael would like. Yes, the way all the different colored gems blended together and the shimmering halos of light that broke apart whenever I tilted the angle seemed cute the more I looked at it.
How am I supposed to wear this?
What do you mean ‘how’? I’ll just wear it well.
Still, I didn’t have the confidence to put this around my waist with my own hands. Since it was my birthday, I decided to act a bit more spoiled. Surely he would do this much; it’s not like I’m asking him to wash my feet.
“…Since it’s a gift, you put it on me, Mika.”
“…Pardon? Ah… yes.”
He unfastened the belt I was wearing, which the artisan Hetor Dixer had made by tanning cowhide into threads, dyeing them three times, and weaving them neatly. In an instant, Mikael’s gaze fixed directly on my waist.
Oh. Suddenly, I felt thirsty.
Mikael was the type whose thoughts were easily revealed on his face. When he was happy, he beamed; when he was sad, the corners of his eyes and mouth drooped; and when he was angry, he became unbelievably, chillingly terrifying. But right now…
Mikael’s gaze slowly scanned from my neck down to below my navel. Mikael’s fingertips lightly brushed against the line of my waist, tap, tap. I unconsciously held my breath. My lower abdomen sank flat.
It’s just fastening a belt. Why is it so…
Feeling like I might actually get an erection, I slightly twisted my waist to adjust my seating. Mikael’s gaze remained glued to my waist. The gaze, which had lingered at my navel for a long time, climbed up to my chest.
Because I had been so frantic this morning, I had come out wearing only the thin shirt I used as pajamas. Seeing Mikael’s Adam’s apple slowly move up and down made my breath shorten.
Our eyes met. The heat in the gaze that looked straight at me completely melted my frozen self. My heart pounded.
Now I know why he chose such a thick belt. In Mikael’s large hands, the belt felt very small and thin. Mikael fumbled a couple of times while fastening the buckle.
I felt a tickle inside. Mikael was serious, and I couldn’t laugh either.
“…It’s, it’s done.”
“Is that all?”
I carefully grabbed the front of Mikael’s shirt.
“Pardon?”
Mikael didn’t budge. I pulled slowly. After hesitating, Mikael gripped the back of the sofa with one hand and leaned his body toward me. His hot breath drew near.
Mikael still didn’t avoid my gaze. He didn’t flee from my touch. He smoldered as if he might dive toward me at any moment.
“…Even if it’s not a kiss, you can at least give me a peck.”
“…”
I felt that if we kept making eye contact, he might shake his head and say no again. Instead of waiting for an answer, I closed my eyes. I knew very well how stingy Mikael was with pecks. But today, at least today…
Just in case, I quietly counted in my head. I decided that if he said he couldn’t do it after I counted exactly to 100, I would back off. Had I counted to 30?
After hesitating for a long time, Mikael placed his hand on my cheek. He gripped my cheek and jaw at once. I leaned into that hand obediently. I entrusted myself entirely to his hand, to the point where I felt it would be okay even if he strangled me right now. Gradually, the sound of his breathing grew closer. I neither approached nor fled.
How long did I wait like that?
Hot breath lightly touched my lips.
In a moment that felt like an eternity, I shivered at the sound of Mikael’s heavy heartbeat.
I burned with a desperate desire to be embraced by him and become one. I reached out and wrapped my arms around Mikael’s neck. Instead of pleading with him not to let me go or to stay with me, I carefully pressed my lips to his. Every time we touched and parted, I felt I could breathe again.
I finally felt as if I had been born anew.