12 – Youth

Looking back, the signs were there from the day he first met Je-rim. Signs that he was destined to become the biggest idiot in the world.

The first time he heard the name Ban Je-rim was on a day in June. It was a piece of utterly useless news: that an East Asian boy had newly joined the club. It was true that there were few East Asians in the youth team, but there were still enough across all age groups to be counted on one hand, so the addition of one more person didn’t initially catch Aaron’s attention.

However, the other guys seemed intensely interested in the new face. It seemed to be because rumors were rampant that he would be promoted to the oldest age group immediately after his adjustment period. Or perhaps it was because of the whispers that the club had practically begged him to join, promising full support. Or maybe it was because of evaluations that his physique was good for an East Asian, his personality wasn’t timid, and he was quite handsome.

Perhaps that was why the pouring interest felt more like inferiority than curiosity.

“Is he the son of a rich family? Like some jab money. Did he pay his way in?”

“He’s Korean. And seeing as the club provided his mother with the funds to open a restaurant and living expenses, he doesn’t seem rich.”

“Korea… North Korea?”

“It would be funny if he’s from there. Should I ask him next time? I wonder if he even knows how to speak Spanish.”

Just seeing them say such things as if they were jokes. Setting aside Jose, who lacked basic common sense to begin with, Mateo’s inner thoughts were transparently visible behind his cheerful chatter, as if he were merely relaying things he’d overheard.

Regardless of whether they were jealous of someone whose face they hadn’t even seen, Aaron just wanted them to stop blabbering and get lost if they weren’t going to train. It was then that Mateo went as far as putting an arm around his shoulder, insisting on talking and finally annoying him.

“If the rumors about the promotion are true, I hope he gets here soon. I’m fucking curious. Right, Aaron?”

“Not particularly.”

“You’re not curious? Really? What if he’s better than you? I heard he’s around your age. He’s 16. You’re still 15 since your birthday hasn’t passed yet, right?”

Who the hell was worrying about whom? Regardless, Aaron responded with a beaming smile to the three-years-senior Sunbae and captain of the oldest age group, who was pretending to be considerate with a loathsome grin.

“Why don’t you train instead of spending time on your wishes? Unless you want to be pushed out the moment that new face gets promoted. I heard he’s in the same position as you?”

“…Anyway, you have a talent for making even jokes sound obnoxious.”

“I’m not joking. Anyway, Mateo, you seem to have a talent for taking everything positively.”

Still wearing that smile, Aaron looked away from the face that had frozen stiff, with only the corners of the mouth trembling. He shook off the arm wrapped around his shoulder. He had no time to waste on people like this if he wanted to hit the number of shots he’d set for today.

“If you’re done talking, get lost. It’s damn distracting having guys who don’t even train hovering around me….”

“Mateo, let’s go. Aaron, it’s hot, so take it easy.”

Fortunately, Jose, who was stupid but had a sense of timing, quickly took Mateo and left. And because he focused back on his shooting practice, he quickly forgot all the nonsense he’d heard that day.

That is, until August, when he actually met Ban Je-rim, who had been promoted.

The coach who brought Ban Je-rim threw him into the middle of the crowd—guys he was meeting for the first time—and told him to introduce himself in a language he wasn’t familiar with. The moment Aaron saw him standing there with a clean expression, devoid of any nervousness, his thought was very simple.

‘He’s not just “quite” handsome, he’s just… at a glance…’

He was handsome. He seemed slightly under 6 feet, but given his age, he would grow more. His overall muscle structure and physical balance were solidly built, his skin was snowy white, unlike someone who exercised, and with jet-black hair and eyes, his calm gaze gave him an overall cold impression.

“I’m still clumsy with Spanish. I can understand a bit now, but speaking is still hard. So please understand if I speak in English. My English is simple, so it should be easy to understand.”

Was it his personality, or was his mental just strong? He seemed to have a bit of a brazen side to match his boldness. His English pronunciation was British, quite fluent, as if he’d been educated separately since childhood. His voice and manner of speaking were also like his appearance—calm, yet mixed with a moderate amount of playfulness, making it pleasant to hear.

It was the first time someone’s first impression had felt this favorable. It was also the first time, other than football, that he felt someone would be interesting to get to know. Watching him blend naturally into the training as if he had always belonged to the team after his easygoing introduction, Aaron had that thought for the first time.

Furthermore, the talk about the club bringing him in, or that he might be better than him… he had thought those were all exaggerated rumors, but the moment he saw Ban Je-rim actually play, Aaron changed his mind.

Basically, his innate sense and intelligence were good, and his vision was wide. He could tell just by watching him move the ball for a moment. Above all, he liked the way he focused intensely throughout the training. To the point where he thought there would be nothing annoying if he just cleared out all the other idiots around and had only a guy like that as a teammate. The thought that it would be fun to play together was also something he had never felt toward a peer.

And….

“Are you the Aaron from the rumors? Nice to meet you.”

“…….”

Looking at Je-rim, who approached and held out his hand first after training, Aaron thought blankly.

His smiling face… why is it like that? When he smiled broadly, dimples appeared slightly, and his cold impression instantly turned refreshing. He was so radiant that the deep blue summer sky of Tavarona seemed pale in comparison. Just as he blinked, wondering if the brilliant sunlight was shining only on Ban Je-rim, Aaron flinched and curled his fingertips at the warmth touching the back of his hand.

“Hey, you don’t know English? You must at least understand ‘hello’.”

Je-rim, who had been offering a handshake, had tapped Aaron’s unresponsive hand. Only then did Aaron hurriedly grab and shake Je-rim’s right hand, muttering awkwardly.

“Ah, no…. I was just thinking about how to answer… sorry.”

“Is there anything to think about when someone is saying hello? Anyway, I look forward to working with you. Oh, if my name is hard to pronounce, just call me Ban.”

“No, I’ll call you by your name. The pronunciation… it’s not ‘He’, but ‘Je’, right?”

He didn’t know where this strange desire to call him accurately by his native pronunciation came from. Honestly, he was so distracted by the boy in front of him that he didn’t have the leisure to ponder such things.

Strangely, his gaze kept drifting. To the hands they were holding, to the lips that opened and closed repeatedly as he spoke, to the eyebrows that furrowed slightly the moment they heard his question after smiling brightly the whole time.

“Uh, um….”

“Why? Is it not? Then teach me.”

The moment he heard the voice trailing off as if something was off, Aaron unconsciously gripped Je-rim’s right hand tightly and asked back urgently. At this, Je-rim let out a hollow laugh and shook his head. The light smile he wore had a different flavor than his broad grin.

“No, it’s right. It’s just, you’re the first guy since I got here to ask how to pronounce my name correctly, so it’s interesting. …I heard you were the best, so I thought you’d be the most obnoxious guy.”

Aaron, who couldn’t understand the fast-flowing English, hesitated for a moment before telling the truth.

“…Je-rim, I can’t understand long English sentences very well. Sorry.”

“You have a lot to be sorry for. I can’t speak Spanish well either.”

Je-rim added another word about getting along well and pulled his hand away from the handshake. Realizing belatedly that he hadn’t properly responded to the greeting because he was too busy questioning the pronunciation, Aaron tried to catch Je-rim, but he had already gone to greet the other guys.

Before he could dwell on the inexplicable feeling of regret, he began to be constantly entwined with Je-rim from that day on.

“Oh! You’re my next-door neighbor? Wow, nice to meet you. This is my first time living in a dorm. If I’m bored, I can just come over to your room!”

In the dormitory.

“What am I going to do? What’s the point of repeating a grade if the teacher speaks so damn fast I can’t understand a thing… I’m already a dummy, but it looks like I’m going to become an even bigger dummy. Still, it’s a relief that I’m in the same class as you.”

At school.

“Don’t you think we’ve been paired up as training partners unusually often lately? Are they pairing us up on purpose so the only two peers get along? Well, it’s comfortable for me, so I like it.”

In training….

‘This is driving me crazy.’

As always, Aaron couldn’t fall asleep easily today and tossed and turned under his blanket. Because his sleep time had drastically decreased from a certain point, it had now become a familiar daily routine. Including the way he continued his random thoughts while thinking of a specific someone during the hours he was forced to stay awake.

Because they were of different races… did the unfamiliar curiosity make the smiling face seem more special? But he had felt nothing when seeing other East Asians. And he had never harbored such ridiculous sentiments—that the calmly closing eyes or the bright burst of a smile were like a refreshing sky—toward people of the same race.

Then… is he just special? Regardless of race or gender….

‘…No way.’

He had never liked anyone until now, but he probably wasn’t gay. Probably. Since he had poured all his interest and affection solely into football since he was young, he had never worried about things like his sexual orientation. He had never met a person who made him have such worries.

…Ah. Then is he having these worries for the first time now because of Ban Je-rim? At 15 years old? Certainly, it was a worry too late to harbor at this age, when puberty was almost over. Most of his friends already had partners. Though… there didn’t seem to be any gays among them.

While thinking that he probably wasn’t gay either, he lacked confidence and decided to keep his distance from the object that made him feel these strange emotions. But that resolution didn’t last long. The reason was absurd.

‘Fuck, this is annoying….’

On the fourth day of intentionally distancing himself from Je-rim, Aaron gnashed his teeth while glancing at Je-rim, who was chatting away with other teammates he had already become close with. Despite being the one avoiding him, seeing Je-rim mingle with other guys made his stomach churn.

To be precise, it was annoying that Je-rim didn’t seem to care whether he avoided him or not. Both Je-rim’s indifferent attitude and himself, who was sulking over such childish thoughts.

Suppressing the bizarre desire to push through that group Je-rim was in and pluck only Je-rim out, Aaron clenched his teeth.

Fine, let’s say I’ve become strange lately. But Je-rim… doesn’t he even think it’s weird that a guy he was close with is suddenly avoiding him? Or is he so oblivious that he hasn’t even noticed he’s being avoided? Fuck, how little interest does he have.

Once his thoughts reached that point, Aaron jumped up, ruffled his hair haphazardly, and kicked the ball away. He unconsciously muttered a curse. At the sudden abnormal behavior, not only the guys around him but even the coach looked at Aaron as if he were a lunatic, but he didn’t care.

Seeing this, Coach Louis laughed heartily, saying Aaron seemed eager to resume training. Because of this, he ended the break earlier than scheduled and gathered them, causing the other teammates to return sluggishly with curses written on their faces. Glances of resentment pricked at Aaron, but he didn’t care about that either.

From Aaron’s perspective, it was better to just train until everyone collapsed from exhaustion. Then Je-rim wouldn’t be able to mingle with the other guys. It was while Aaron, driven by such childish spite, was desperately focusing on passing practice.

“Ah, sorry!”

At the same time Je-rim’s flustered voice rang out, Aaron saw the ball, which should have rolled straight to him, float slightly in the air and fly far away. It seemed he had put too much power into his ankle.

Coach Louis’s stern face resembled a tiger. Since pass play—which had to be continuous at a fast tempo while maintaining perfect accuracy—was the team’s main tactic, the coach dealt with passing mistakes with infinite strictness, even during training.

Je-rim slumped his shoulders, as if anticipating a severe scolding. And Aaron immediately began to sprint. If the pass had come in a bit deep, he could have just moved to that position and received it. It wasn’t as if the pass had flown in a completely different direction.

He easily caught up to the flying ball and, just before it touched the ground, trapped it with the top of his foot and fired a shot. The ball flew like a projectile into the small portable goal. With that goal, today’s training ended.

Aaron wiped away beads of sweat, following the ball as it bounced out of the goal with his eyes. Even if it wasn’t a real match, scoring a goal felt great. But immediately after, the hair on his entire body stood on end, and he looked to his side. It was because something sudden had happened, enough to instantly overshadow the pleasure of scoring.

“Hey, you’re amazing! I knew the rumors weren’t exaggerated, but seeing it in person, you’re seriously even more amazing!”

The indifferent guy he had tried so hard to avoid for the past few days, and who hadn’t cared whether he tried his best to avoid him or not, ran up from behind and hugged his shoulder. Not stopping there, he even patted his head as if he were proud. Aaron was so surprised that he unconsciously shook off Je-rim’s hand and froze stiff.

“Sorry. I was just surprised because you’re so good.”

Despite that, instead of showing any displeasure, Je-rim just grinned. After lightly tapping Aaron’s chest with his fist, he eventually brought a water bottle and drank greedily. Watching his sweat-soaked Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed the water, Aaron’s own stomach felt like it was churning, so he hurriedly looked away.

He felt as if he were suffocating from the heat. The summers in Tavarona were very hot because the sun was blazing, but since the humidity wasn’t high, it didn’t feel stifling. Moreover, it was now 7 PM, a time when the stinging intensity of the sun was gradually fading, and since it was September, it wasn’t midsummer weather. Yet, he couldn’t understand why it was so sweltering.

After drinking the water, Je-rim wiped his mouth and handed the water bottle to Aaron. However, Aaron couldn’t bring himself to reach out, fearing that if their fingertips brushed while taking the bottle, he would exhibit an utterly pathetic sight. Then, Je-rim shook the bottle he was holding.

“Why aren’t you taking it? Ah, do you not even want to share water with me now?”

He sounded as if he knew all about how Aaron had been intentionally avoiding him. He thought Je-rim wasn’t interested… No, besides, it wasn’t that he avoided him because he disliked him. Was Je-rim misunderstanding things in his own way?

While a sense of bewildered joy welled up, a sense of crisis that he had to correct this misunderstanding immediately hit Aaron, and he jumped.

“What? No! That’s, it’s not like that….”

“Then what is it? Are you worried about an indirect kiss? It’s okay, I’m type O. They say type O is fine.”

He didn’t know what blood type had to do with an indirect kiss, but the moment he heard the words “indirect kiss,” the blazing heat cooked his brain. With a bright red face, Aaron snatched the water bottle as if stealing it and drank all the remaining water. He felt like he would vomit up his heart if he didn’t drink something.

Watching Aaron empty the water bottle combatively, Je-rim clicked his tongue.

“If you were that thirsty, you should have drunk it sooner. Why have you been avoiding me lately? If I did something wrong, tell me. Don’t act like a petty brat with that face.”

“…You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“So it’s true you avoided me?”

“…….”

It was hard to utter a single syllable while enduring the suffocating heat, and when a question that hit the nail on the head came, he could only gap. Je-rim wrapped his arm around Aaron’s neck again and whispered.

“Whatever the reason, please don’t avoid me. I haven’t been able to make any friends other than you yet.”

“For someone who says that, you seemed to be chatting away quite happily with those guys.”

Strangely, these words, spoken in a slightly blaming tone, flowed out without hesitation. Following Aaron’s chin, Je-rim glanced at where ‘those guys’ were gathered and let out a scoff as if it were absurd.

“Conversation? You call that a conversation… I could feel those bastards subtly looking down on me, so I just poked back with a smile.”

At those words, Aaron stared blankly at Je-rim. Since Je-rim was so sociable, Aaron had assumed he had already become close with everyone… It seemed that had been a misunderstanding. Je-rim scratched his head irritably and continued speaking rapidly, as if he didn’t care who heard him.

“Those fuckers look at me like I’m a piece of shit just because my Spanish isn’t great. They’re two or three years older than me, yet they’re shorter, uglier, and worse at football—and they’re still this childish… Just you wait, eventually, I’ll fire back at them in Spanish.”

Aaron was inwardly appalled. Although they were the type of guys who had whispered and sneered behind Je-rim’s back before he skipped grades to join them, Aaron had thought they wouldn’t ignore him once they actually got to know him. Objectively, Je-rim’s skill was not something those guys could look down upon.

However, Aaron realized only after hearing Je-rim’s words that his judgment had been far too idealistic. It was his own fault for not anticipating their petty nature—the fact that since they couldn’t look down on his football skills, they would resort to mocking his language skills, which were naturally still lacking.

“You should have told me. I would have helped you.”

“What am I, an elementary schooler? Forget it. Just talk to me in Spanish as much as you can. So I can get used to it faster.”

“…Right. Sorry for avoiding you. I won’t do it anymore.”

Setting aside the issue that his own state was becoming increasingly strange, Aaron felt an uncontrollable surge of anger at the thought that Je-rim might be bullied in places where he wasn’t present. Even though he knew Je-rim didn’t have the personality to be bullied quietly. In fact, it would be a miracle if Je-rim didn’t just beat them all up and get disciplined, but still.

When he accidentally and honestly confessed to having avoided him, Je-rim burst out laughing. At that reaction, Aaron’s mood soured again instantly. He knew better than anyone that his emotional state, which flipped every minute, was abnormal, yet he couldn’t control it.

“Why are you laughing?”

“Just because you’re cute.”

He really… he really couldn’t control himself. Along with the irritation that vanished instantly, the best he could do was desperately try to keep his facial muscles from slackening into a foolish expression. While Aaron was struggling beneath the surface, Je-rim stroked the back of Aaron’s head and continued.

“You know, I’ve never seen anyone as good as you, or as handsome as you. Honestly, I was called a genius and a beauty back in Korea, too. But seeing you here… it made me realize how small my world was.”

“…This is the first time I’ve heard that I’m cute…”

“Really? Between your eye color and the way it’s obvious you’re excited when you play football, you’re exactly like Heuk-gu. Ah, Heuk-gu was a huge boss mutt who ruled the neighborhood where I lived; he’d get so excited whenever I played football that he’d bark and chase the ball…”

Is he saying I’m cute like a puppy? Completely ignoring the description of a “huge boss mutt who ruled the neighborhood,” Aaron interpreted it however he liked. He figured that in Je-rim’s eyes, this face—which often heard that it was handsome but had an intimidating aura that made people hesitant to approach—and his 6’2″ height actually looked cute.

From the day he first heard such an absurd compliment from Je-rim, he stopped forcing himself to avoid him. Whenever he lost himself for a moment, he no longer tried to intentionally withdraw his gaze or attention from Je-rim.

The habit of stretching the right leg first. The habit of inhaling and hesitating for a beat before speaking in Spanish. The fact that while his dominant foot was the right, he could use his left freely, yet he only ate with his right hand. A personality that was usually expressionless but became rich in expression and hesitant-free in showing emotion once a conversation started.

As much time as he spent glued to Je-rim, there were many things he discovered through such quiet observation. Perhaps even things Je-rim wanted to hide.

He seemed carefree, but he was secretly very lonely. He seemed to have a very affectionate relationship with his mother, with whom he had come to this distant foreign land alone, but listening to him talk, it seemed more riddled with a sense of duty and burden than affection.

He trained harder than anyone and was ambitious about his career, but occasionally, when no one was around, he would kick the football far away and lie down on his back, staring at the sky with a face that looked fed up. Like someone who wanted to leave for somewhere else. That was why Aaron immediately approached and grabbed Je-rim.

“Why did you stop?”

“When did you get here? Is the meeting with the coach already over? What did he say?”

Because he was sprawled out on the grass, the hems of Je-rim’s pants were rolled up. To avoid looking at the inner thighs that peeked out whenever Je-rim moved his legs, Aaron sat down beside him while desperately keeping his gaze fixed on the empty air.

“He said I’ll be called up to the first team for the next match.”

“Really? Hey, congratulations! Doesn’t that make you the youngest first-team debut?”

“I don’t know about the debut, but the call-up is for you too, Je-rim.”

“Huh?”

“He said the coach will call you in to talk soon. Once the list is completely finalized. It’ll obviously get noisy if it gets out that you’re being called up too… so keep it to yourself for now.”

This was information he had heard directly from Garcia, the Tavarona first-team coach, not Louis, the youth team coach. As a longtime friend of his father, Garcia often shared such information casually. In fact, he was a man who favored the son of his friend—who was called a genius—over his own biological son, who showed no talent for football.

Regardless, even after being told he would be called up to a first-team match in less than six months since arriving at Tavarona, Je-rim didn’t show much of a reaction. Aaron glanced down at Je-rim’s face, noting the contrast to how Je-rim had just congratulated him. Even then, he was careful not to let his gaze drop below the neck.

“You don’t seem very happy.”

“I’m just a bit dazed… I haven’t been here that long.”

“Doesn’t that just mean you’re that good?”

“Hmm… well, yeah. That’s true. …Mom will be happy.”

Aren’t you happy? We’re both being called up together for the first time… We’ll be sitting on the bench together, our names will be listed side-by-side in the articles, and while it’s uncertain if we’ll actually play, we’ll do the mixed zone interviews together.

Just as he was suppressing the urge to ask, Je-rim, who had been muttering to himself in an unreadable tone, suddenly jumped up.

“Let’s go. I rented a DVD earlier. Let’s wash up and watch it together.”

“What movie?”

“The one with Gabriela! The guys who saw it in the theater first said she’s fucking beautiful.”

“…….”

While Aaron was momentarily speechless at the unexpected mention of his sister’s name, he was dragged away by Je-rim. Unable to resist the command to wash up and come to the room quickly, he found himself sitting side-by-side with Je-rim on the bed, watching the movie featuring Gabriela.

Aaron covered his nose and mouth with both hands in distress, stealing glances at Je-rim’s profile. A pleasant scent wafted from Je-rim’s hair and nape, as he had just come out of the shower. Perhaps because he hadn’t dried his hair properly, the ends were damp, and his skin looked whiter than usual, making him look even prettier…

All those visual and olfactory pieces of information were converted into unbearable stimulation, but there was something else that was even harder to endure.

“…Does she look that beautiful to you?”

It was Je-rim’s entranced expression. Je-rim focused on the laptop screen as if he were about to bury his nose in it every time Gabriela appeared. At the question that finally burst out, Je-rim tilted his head as if wondering why he was asking something so obvious.

“Doesn’t she look beautiful to you? She’s like an angel… I’ve never seen someone that pretty in my life.”

“Is that your type? A blonde woman with a pure image?”

“Yeah, I guess so. But isn’t that every man’s ideal type?”

The way he spoke without taking his eyes off the screen suggested he was completely smitten. And Aaron, who had no choice but to watch this, felt his insides churning.

Every man’s ideal type, my ass. Then am I not a man? My ideal type is you. Why does he state it so confidently when he doesn’t even know the ideal type of the friend right next to him? This feels disgusting… Sometimes he’s the absolute best at scratching people’s nerves with his utter indifference.

…More importantly, no matter what happens, he must never tell him that Gabi is his sister. He’s already this entranced; if he finds out she’s his friend’s sister, he might ask for an introduction. Moreover, since Gabi’s tastes overlap with his in many ways, if he introduces Je-rim to her, she might fall for Je-rim too…

Imagining his first unrequited love dating the only half-sister he felt affection for made the bread he had for dinner feel like it was coming back up. The hand he had used to block Je-rim’s scent now served a different purpose. As he stared into the distance and covered his mouth to calm his nauseous stomach, Je-rim asked in a puzzled tone.

“What’s up? Why are you pouting again?”

“I’m not pouting.”

“Don’t lie. You’re sulking right now. You get fucking cute when you sulk, so it’s obvious. Ah, wait, could it be that you…”

At that moment, Aaron’s heart thudded violently, and he swallowed hard. Could I actually be caught? Being pathetically jealous over my sister?

However, at the following question, the strength left his entire body, and his hand dropped.

“Are you secretly dating Gabriela…? Is that why you’re upset…?”

“…Forget it. Let’s just not talk.”

“What is it? What are you unhappy about? I can’t know unless you tell me.”

“Don’t touch me!”

“We’re sitting together on this narrow bed, how can I not touch you? Can you stop acting like such a pampered young master?”

“It’s not that…! …I should go back to my room now.”

Aaron jumped up, feeling a sense of crisis that he might do something reckless if he stayed any longer. But he stopped in his tracks, unable to resist the whining voice grabbing his clothes from behind.

“I’m bored, so don’t go. I have to do my homework after watching this. Help me.”

Taking a slow breath and checking the lower part of his pants, Aaron turned back.

“Spanish composition again? Does it even mean anything if I do it for you every day?”

“Even the teacher thinks your handwriting is mine now. Stop complaining and help. Unless you want us both to get caught and punished together.”

“…Just finish the movie. I’ll do the homework.”

It was dangerous to sit on the same bed as Je-rim any longer. Aaron pulled up a chair and sat at the desk, trying his best to ignore Je-rim’s chattering. I told you to watch it together, I’ll feel bad if you’re doing homework alone, don’t just sit there by yourself, at least come do it next to me, and so on.

If he were to reveal all these filthy desires swirling in his heart, Je-rim probably wouldn’t be able to say such carefree things. Especially if he knew about this boiling jealousy…

Sitting at the desk was partly to hide his physical state, but largely because he didn’t want to see Je-rim’s face with his mouth agape while looking at Gabi. He felt that if he watched any longer, he would act on his impulses regardless of whether Je-rim was shocked or not.

He used to think there was no group of people as wretched as those who are jealous, but now that he belonged to that wretched group, his feelings were complicated. To continue getting along normally with Je-rim, he realized he needed to keep this boiling jealousy in check.

…Or so he vowed.

“Aaron! Isn’t this puppy super cute? Hey, it looks exactly like Heuk-gu when he was a pup.”

“…….”

“Ack, don’t lick me. The eye color is exactly like Heuk-gu’s too. Look, it’s just like you, Aaron…”

“My eyes are the same as that dog… puppy’s?”

When it came to things involving Je-rim, his heart never followed his thoughts.

While out on a holiday passing through a shopping street, a puppy kept by a nearby cafe came running out and circled around Je-rim’s feet. It was a tiny puppy with dark grey fur and yellow eyes.

Just as Aaron was thinking it was cute, Je-rim scooped the puppy up, and the damn dog started acting cute, licking Je-rim’s lips.

How dare that puppy lick whose lips… That alone made his irritation surge, but on top of that, Je-rim compared him to the puppy and smiled brightly, as if he didn’t know what to do with how cute the puppy was… Aaron’s expression crumpled instantly.

“Yeah, the color. Oh, it’s squirming. Go on, go.”

Naturally, Je-rim had no clue that the friend beside him was currently experiencing an absurd amount of jealousy and continued to pet the puppy. Then, as soon as the puppy saw its owner standing at the cafe entrance, it began to whimper, and Je-rim quickly set it down.

“…Je-rim. Who’s cuter, me or that dog?”

“…What the hell are you talking about all of a sudden?”

Je-rim, frozen in an awkward posture without even straightening his bent knees, narrowed his eyes. When he finally tilted his head back to look up at Aaron, Aaron protested seriously with a terrifyingly stiff face.

“Last time you said I was cute because I looked like Heuk-gu or whatever.”

“Pffft! Ah, hahaha! Aaron, you’re really…!”

Je-rim couldn’t hold it back and burst into laughter, collapsing onto the ground. Aaron quickly reached out and helped Je-rim up. Leaning on that arm to stand, Je-rim poked Aaron’s cheek. Honestly, he knew that if others heard, they’d ask if he was crazy, but still.

“You’re cuter. Wow, I don’t know how this face and this build can look cute… but yeah. Especially when you’re sulking and talking meanly, you’re fucking cute.”

To be precise, it was the way he couldn’t hide the kindness that seeped through every action even when he spoke petulantly that was cute. Perhaps it was because he had caught a glimpse of the pure heart hidden behind that decadently handsome face after Je-rim didn’t miss the passing comment about wanting to eat tteokbokki and actually bought some.

It hadn’t even been a few days since the tteokbokki incident, and he was already like this the moment he noticed Aaron’s true feelings. To think that he felt no repulsion, but rather didn’t know what to do with how cute it was, that the first friend he made in Spain—and a man at that—might like him.

When he imagined replacing Aaron with Yeo-bin or other friends, he felt an immediate urge to vomit, so he didn’t think he had become gay. Then was Aaron just special? But while he was cute, he wasn’t sure if this was “liking” or not… He’d have to have liked someone before to compare.

‘Ah, whatever.’

Everything would become clear with time. Long contemplation had never suited his temperament. Je-rim tossed the thoughts aside and grinned, pinching Aaron’s cheek. Strangely, he couldn’t stop smiling. As he stretched the skin of a complexion a shade darker than his own, Aaron, who had been quietly letting him, suddenly wrapped his hand around the back of Je-rim’s hand and muttered. His expression looked somewhat dazed.

“Your smiling face… is like the sky.”

“Huh? Isn’t that a really cringey expression…?”

He had just learned in his after-school Spanish supplement class that lovers in Spain use direct words like “my sky,” “my heart,” or “my life” as pet names. Of course, Aaron hadn’t used it for that purpose, but it wasn’t an expression one would use between ordinary friends either.

Honestly, the relationship between him and Aaron couldn’t be called “ordinary friends” anyway… but he still didn’t know how to define what they were. This, too, would become clear as time passed.

The relationship where Aaron always waited for him until the after-school classes he didn’t even need to attend were over so they could go home together, where they unconditionally spent time together before evening training started, where they never stopped messaging even without a specific reason, where they always said goodbye while looking at each other’s faces before sleep, and where they felt jealous of each other’s other friendships—what on earth was this?

“…….”

At Je-rim’s point, Aaron turned his gaze away, covering his mouth without answering. It seemed he had become embarrassed belatedly after blurting it out. Seeing that obvious shyness, Je-rim’s chest began to feel ticklish.

‘Does he really think he’s hiding it? Wow, crazy cute…’

As Je-rim unconsciously thought that, he shook his head violently. To hide his flushing face, he deliberately turned his back and pulled Aaron by the wrist.

“L-let’s go! We’ll get chewed out by the dorm warden again. Damn, why is it so hot today?”

Tavarona had long since entered full autumn, but today was exceptionally hot. As if the midsummer weather from when he first met Aaron was continuing.

✲✲✲

The person who first coined the term “don’t feed the trolls” must be a genius.

Since coming to Spain, Je-rim reminded himself of that phrase every day. He thought that if he approached it with the mindset of practicing asceticism, it might be manageable… manageable my ass, every single day was a battle against the urge to break all their legs.

‘Does that bastard never get tired of this?’

Barely dodging a ball that suddenly flew at full speed toward his face during passing practice, Je-rim muttered to himself again today: Don’t feed the trolls.

“Jerry, are you okay? He’s starting again…”

“Yeah, it didn’t hit. Don’t worry about it.”

It had been about half a year since he joined the Tavarona youth team. The streets of Tavarona were decorated with all sorts of ornaments to celebrate Christmas Eve, which was only a day away. Today was the final day of training for the year, and starting tomorrow, they would have a break similar to a vacation for a week.

And it seemed that son of a bitch Mateo didn’t intend to let the last day of training pass quietly. Je-rim waved off Jose, who had worried about him, and Aaron, who was staring this way from a distance with clenched teeth, before turning away.

When he first skipped grades to join, almost every team member except Aaron had ignored him, but as time passed, he managed to become friendly with most of them. Except for that piece of shit who relentlessly picked fights and still called him ‘Bunny.’

I heard he used to give Aaron a hard time… Sigh, poor bastard.

He could be merciful if he thought of Mateo as a pitiful creature who, feeling the limits of his innate talent, only barked at those better than him. There were plenty of people like that in Korea, too. Perhaps he had become anxious because he hadn’t received any significant contract offers from the club even after turning 19 on his recent birthday; since then, the nature of his provocations had become more blatant.

Taking the advice that ignoring him was the best policy, Je-rim tried to let it slide today instead of reacting with his usual temper. He definitely intended to do so, if only Mateo hadn’t suddenly rushed over and shoved his shoulder.

“Do it properly!”

“What?”

“Why are you dodging the ball? Are you crazy?”

“Is it heading practice right now? Stop talking nonsense.”

When Je-rim made a circling motion with his finger near his temple, Mateo sneered back, refusing to lose.

“Nonsense? Don’t tell me you don’t understand what I’m saying right now? How long have you been here that you still can’t grasp this much?”

“It seems you’re the one who hasn’t properly grasped the purpose of the current training. At this rate, shouldn’t you be re-educated from the basics? Why don’t you go join that team of toddlers training over there?”

“You’re the one who needs to be re-educated from the basics. From what I can see, you haven’t even properly adapted to La Liga. Here, you never dodge a ball coming your way.”

“Whatever. A guy who’s never even been called up for a first-team match. I think I’m adapting to La Liga way better than you, so mind your own business and focus on your own work. You should start looking for a club to be loaned out to.”

Thus, Je-rim gradually increased the intensity of his sarcasm. After maintaining silence for a while while looking at Je-rim, who was openly mocking him, Mateo spoke with eyes full of rage.

“…You actually think you can officially join the team. There’s no place for a non-European like you in the first-team squad anyway.”

“But isn’t it fascinating that, looking at how things are going, an Asian like me seems to have more potential than a native Spaniard like you? Especially since I’m a few years younger than you.”

That was his response as he picked at his ear. Seeing the coach and Aaron approaching together from a distance, Je-rim decided it was time to leave. There was nothing good about being caught by the coach while fighting with the team captain, who was Spanish and, in any case, his Sunbae in terms of age. And having Aaron help him would be a blow to his pride.

It was then that a comment Je-rim simply could not ignore reached his ears.

“Bunny, I’m giving you this advice because I actually feel sorry for you. If I were you, I’d just comfortably go back to my own country. The level here is way too different from where you lived, right? I heard it’s just a gathering of cowards who kick the ball timidly like rabbits. You’d be better off going back there—”

“Ah, this fucking incompetent idiot, I’ve had enough.”

In his excitement, a Korean curse word slipped out. Just as Je-rim clenched his fist and turned back to strike Mateo in the face, before he could even extend his arm, Mateo’s head snapped back and he flew away. For a moment, Je-rim stood there dumbfounded, unable to comprehend what had happened.

“From where I stand, a piece of shit like you being here is a bigger national embarrassment, you bastard.”

Je-rim remained dazed even as he watched Aaron kick Mateo’s shin and curse at him. He snapped back to his senses just before Aaron’s cleated foot slammed down mercilessly onto the ankle of Mateo, who was lying there bleeding from the nose. Only then did Je-rim grasp the situation and grab Aaron’s wrist, pulling him back.

“Hey, fuck, get off him! Why the hell are you hitting him!”

“Aaron! Calm down, okay? Even so, the ankle is too much!”

“Yeah, if you do this, it’s over even if Coach Garcia protects you. Your career will be finished.”

The other team members who had gathered around also desperately tried to restrain Aaron. The commotion finally ended when Coach Louis, who had returned from the restroom, let out a thunderous shout.

The protagonists of the incident—Je-rim, Aaron, and Mateo—were immediately dragged into separate rooms for interrogation. Je-rim got off without any particular disciplinary action as the testimonies of other team members and the coach took the racial discrimination into account. However, Aaron, who used violence, and Mateo, who made racist remarks, were penalized with a three-game suspension from the youth league and a one-week ban on leaving the premises.

A one-week ban on leaving meant that they couldn’t even dream of leaving the dormitory to spend Christmas or the end of the year with their families. It would be more accurate to call it a “confiscation of vacation.”

After spending a sleepless night and lingering in the dormitory until the evening of Christmas Eve, Je-rim sighed as he packed his bags late, looking out the window at the city streets brimming with Christmas atmosphere.

I wanted to hang out with Aaron…

He threw the plans, which had been ruined in an instant because of that bastard Mateo, into the trash. There was nothing else to do but go to his mother’s restaurant and help out for the whole week. Since he had just delivered a tiny bit of revenge to Mateo, he decided not to think about him anymore.

Still, Aaron had said he’d take him to a delicious restaurant, suggested they play in the heated pool at his house, and asked him to watch the midnight fireworks on the beach as Eve turned into Christmas Day… Even if he forgot Mateo, the things he wanted to do with Aaron kept coming back to him, leaving him with a sense of regret.

It also made him feel uneasy that Aaron had to stay in the dormitory alone during such a major national holiday. Even though Aaron seemed to dislike going home, wouldn’t it be lonely and boring to spend a time when everyone else is with family or lovers all by himself?

Je-rim, who had been stuffing his clothes into his bag with irritated movements, suddenly realized something and didn’t take long to rush out. He ran to the room right next door and flung the door open with excitement.

“Aaron! Let’s go out and play!”

He didn’t know why he had overcomplicated things when he could just sneak him out. Aaron’s eyes widened at the sudden proposal.

“You haven’t gone home yet? No, more importantly… you can’t. If we get caught, you’ll be disciplined too.”

“Then let’s play first and get disciplined later. We can just stay stuck in the dorm together until the New Year. This actually works out well; I was worried about leaving you alone.”

“Je-rim!”

“I said it’s fine. Think about later things later. I want to spend Eve, Christmas, the end of the year, and the New Year all with you!”

As he shouted this and grabbed Aaron’s hand, Aaron, who still had his eyes wide in a cute manner, flinched at the fingertips as if he had been electrocuted. Je-rim gripped the stiff hand even more firmly and pulled the startled Aaron out of the room.

Fortunately, as always, Aaron allowed himself to be pulled along obediently.

To avoid being caught by the dorm supervisor, they secretly climbed over the wall. The Christmas-themed streets he had only looked at from the window were suddenly spread out before him just by crossing a single wall. The actual Christmas market would be along the shopping district rather than this alley, but this much was enough.

Excitedly looking around, Je-rim decided to take it a step further since he was already tasting rebellion and bought a glass of Clara sold in plastic cups. After taking a sip, Je-rim was disappointed by the taste—which felt like barley tea mixed with lemonade—and handed the rest to Aaron. Aaron, who drank it without complaint, quickly threw the cup away and muttered in an incredulous tone.

“I can’t tell if you’re completely reckless or just incredibly gutsy…”

“You’re the one. How could you just hit him like that in front of everyone? You should have locked him in a cabinet and beaten him in secret.”

“Why do you sound like you’ve already done that?”

“Since you couldn’t break that bastard’s nose earlier, this Hyung used a bit of strength.”

“…What did you do before coming out?”

“Nothing much. He’s probably singing carols inside a cabinet right now.”

Je-rim bragged that he had struck the back of Mateo’s head just as he came out of the shower, making his nose slam into the cabinet door, and then stuffed him inside.

Since it was a surprise attack from behind, Mateo wouldn’t have seen the culprit’s face, and there were naturally no CCTV cameras in the shower room or the hallway leading to it (they had been removed because too many people walked around naked), and since Je-rim had forged an alibi in advance, there was no fear of being caught even if he were suspected.

Moreover, since most of the staff were away for the holidays, it would probably take quite a while before he was rescued. He might still be trapped. A Christmas spent inside a cabinet would have its own unique charm, so Je-rim didn’t feel sorry at all. Well, he’d eventually be found by the security guard doing the lights-out patrol.

“Hey, keep this to yourself, okay? If it gets out that I’m the culprit, it won’t end with just disciplinary action. I’ll be kicked out.”

“Of course I won’t say anything. But you’re really… you’re despicable, but I think it’s kind of cool…”

“That’s a compliment, right? Anyway, you were cool too.”

When Aaron tried to break Mateo’s ankle, Je-rim had stepped in considering the future fallout, but it would be a lie to say it didn’t look cool. Je-rim cleared his throat briefly and continued.

“…Thanks. I’ve felt suffocated a lot since coming here, but seeing you beat that guy really cleared my chest.”

“Why did you feel suffocated?”

“Because I wanted to beat that bastard Mateo but couldn’t, that was suffocating. Just, you know, like homesickness.”

“Do you miss Korea?”

“Of course I do. You were born and raised here, so you might not know, but since leaving my hometown, I feel like the ground beneath my feet is floating… it’s a bit empty.”

After letting out an uncharacteristically weak sound, he felt embarrassed, so he intentionally blended into the crowd and pretended to look at the Christmas market. Aaron grabbed Je-rim’s wrist and led him somewhere.

Passing through the crowded city center and going up a hill, there was a narrow path through the trees. The atmosphere was gloomy, which made him a bit hesitant, but Aaron pushed through the bushes nonchalantly. Je-rim had no choice but to follow behind him.

The path was a bumpy stone road and the slope was quite steep. For a while, the two walked in silence, carefully watching their step. After walking down for about twenty minutes, Je-rim instinctively gasped at the sight of a white sandy beach visible beyond the thick bushes and trees. Once they completely left the path, an open beach with no one in sight unfolded.

“Wow… what is this place? There was a place like this?”

“Even the locals don’t know about it. It’s a secret spot known only to me and a few friends. I found it when I was a kid, rolling down from that hill while playing explorer.”

Thanks to that, his arm had broken, but wasn’t it a scar of glory? Aaron, sitting down on the white sand, squared his shoulders and bragged.

Since it was a place with scenery worth bragging about, Je-rim chuckled and sat down beside him. As soon as he placed his hand on the sand, the feeling of fine grains of sand scattering from his palm felt good. As he looked at the sand grains shining white under the moonlight, Aaron asked tentatively from beside him.

“How is it? Doesn’t it clear your chest? When I can’t feel better even through soccer, I come here and space out.”

“Is there actually something that makes you feel that way even with soccer?”

“I’m human too, of course. There were quite a few times like that before I entered the dormitory. I was lonely, too.”

It was a very brief statement, but Je-rim easily grasped the hidden meaning. He doesn’t like his family much, enough that the dormitory was more comfortable than the grand mansion nearby. He had suspected as much since Aaron almost never returned home on weekends, and now it matched.

A long silence followed Aaron’s words. It wasn’t complete silence, as the sound of waves rolled in incessantly. Just as the seawater reached his bare feet, having taken off his shoes and socks, Je-rim shook the sand off his hands and patted Aaron’s head.

“To be honest, I didn’t want to come to Spain, and I hated it even after I got here, but my thoughts changed a bit after meeting you.”

“How?”

“Just, I don’t think about wanting to go back to Korea every day anymore. I even wonder what it would have been like if I’d come a bit earlier.”

What if they had all migrated when he was very young, before Je-hee was even born? If so, at least the family wouldn’t have been scattered like they are now. And he might have grown less tired of soccer.

Here, even as a member of a soccer youth team, he had to attend regular school classes, and since training was limited to after-school evening hours, he didn’t have to devote his entire day to soccer. The military-style discipline and hierarchy culture were also definitely less prevalent, so it was freer.

Of course, the racial discrimination from people like Mateo and the emptiness that always followed him like a shadow would have been different problems, but that was just a hypothesis.

And above all.

“Then instead of you spacing out here alone, the two of us would have been spacing out together, just like now. Then you would have been a little less lonely.”

He felt a strong conviction that if he had lived in Tavarona since childhood, he would have been part of the group of friends who discovered this beach with Aaron.

On days when Aaron didn’t want to go home, he would have let him sleep at his house, occasionally followed Aaron to the cathedral for mass, and if Aaron begged to play soccer, they would have played together even in the rain… wouldn’t they have? Because they were already doing that now.

It seemed that being alone with him on a beach under the moonlight had made him sentimental. Je-rim, unlike his usual self, continued these various random thoughts while playing with Aaron’s hair. Touching this fluffy hair was far more pleasant than touching the fine grains of sand. That childish teasing stopped shortly after Aaron suddenly wrapped his hand around Je-rim’s.

“Je-rim, I…”

And at that moment, with a loud explosion, fireworks soared above the hill. It was the fireworks announcing the start of Christmas. Aaron’s lips parted as if he wanted to convey something more, but as the fireworks continued to pop noisily, he closed his mouth with a look of frustration.

Seeing Aaron’s lips close, Je-rim shifted his gaze to the sky. With this, although they couldn’t go to a delicious restaurant or the heated pool at Aaron’s house, the plan to watch the fireworks together had been kept.

However, he couldn’t concentrate on the fireworks at all. Unable to bear it, Je-rim spoke softly.

“You’re going to burn a hole through my face. Look at the sky, not me.”

“…I am looking properly, at the sky…”

“Liar. Your head is pointed entirely toward me. Do you like looking at me more than the fireworks?”

“…If you say so…”

The fluttering moonlight and the incessantly exploding fireworks served as excellent light sources even on a white beach without a single streetlight. Thanks to that, he could clearly observe Aaron’s face—which wore an expression that was confusingly between hesitation and excitement—as well as his hazy gaze and his lips, which had become red from biting them.

In this moment, he didn’t know why the joke that “if you can kiss, you can date” suddenly came to mind. He knew even less why he felt like testing that unfunny saying.

His head just moved on its own. By the time he came to his senses, a short kiss had already passed. Having initiated the kiss himself, Je-rim began to babble incoherently.

“Hmm, not bad… It’s actually okay…? Fuck. Hey, what do I do…?”

It was surprising enough that he had the thought to kiss a guy first, but because it was unexpectedly good, Je-rim became bewildered. He touched his own lips, where the soft sensation still seemed to linger, and lowered his eyelids.

“Because it’s better than I thought, no, it’s actually really okay…”

“Je-rim, I’m not okay. I feel like I’ve become a total idiot because of you.”

Immediately after, Je-rim’s cheeks were grabbed, and his head was lifted back up. His lips, which would normally have murmured complaints, were blocked so tightly that he could only let out breaths.

Far from feeling unpleasant, the fact that this felt good made me instinctively realize that something serious had happened to me, but I felt that it didn’t matter anymore.

Je-rim quietly closed his eyes.

✲✲✲

His relationship with Aaron flowed smoothly. Although it was a secret romance, they did everything other couples did. After Mateo—who had persistently called him Bunny to pick fights—left on loan to Newham FC in England, the term “Bunny” ceased to be a derogatory slur. Je-rim even committed the atrocity of allowing it to become a pet name that only Aaron was permitted to use, despite how cringeworthy the word felt.

Beyond that, they did all sorts of things: kissing secretly in back alleys, hanging out at each other’s houses and engaging in reckless acts while avoiding their parents’ eyes, or fighting childishly over nothing and making up just as childishly. They really did everything. Things that the version of himself from before he dated Aaron would have surely been horrified by, calling it absolute madness.

He even started attending the cathedral, following Aaron, despite having no interest in it. The pious atmosphere of the cathedral and the brilliant light pouring through the stained glass suited Aaron perfectly.

It felt as if sparkling gold dust was always floating around Aaron. He didn’t know if it was because of the unique color of his eyes or the gaze that always seemed directed toward the future. There was also a distinct pleasure in admiring Aaron’s profile as he prayed with his eyes closed.

‘So this was my ideal type…’

Looking at Aaron, beyond simple impressions like “cute” or “handsome,” an indescribable euphoria washed over him. It was a feeling he had never experienced with anyone in the past. He still didn’t believe in God, but he liked Aaron so much that if God took Aaron’s form, he would understand why people worshipped Him.

Not just his face, but everything.

It was truly strange. At first, it was just because it seemed like Aaron liked him… and he didn’t dislike it, and for some reason, he kept feeling like he didn’t want to leave Aaron alone, and every single one of Aaron’s actions was cute, and the physical intimacy with Aaron was better than expected, so they started dating. But as the days passed, his feelings grew larger and larger. To the point where he couldn’t control them.

Having grown accustomed to the consistent affection Aaron poured into him, it seemed Je-rim had come to harbor an equal amount of affection himself. He wanted to give back as much as he received from Aaron—no, even more. The time spent with Aaron was precious. It said everything that even the boring sport of football started to feel worthwhile simply because he played it with Aaron.

Among the short seventeen years of his life, he had recently begun to repeat to himself right before falling asleep that coming to Tavarona was the best choice he ever made. This, too, while gazing at Aaron’s face as he slept.

Far from getting tired of him, he only fell deeper and deeper without remedy; how could a relationship with such a person be boring? For the first year after they started dating, every day was a repetition of a joyful, fun, and brilliant routine.

He wished the matters regarding his promotion to the first team would flow as smoothly as his romantic life, but as a new year dawned, cracks began to appear in the most important part of Je-rim’s daily life.

The crack began when a first-team player of Iranian nationality, who was originally supposed to transfer in the winter, ended up staying at Tavarona. According to La Liga regulations, which practically allow only three non-European players to be registered in the squad, the club had promised to guarantee Je-rim the vacant spot once that Iranian player transferred. However, the club had not sent any further word regarding this.

Eventually, Ju-han flew in immediately from Korea, bringing a man named Chang-sik as a legal advisor, and stormed through the building, shouting and demanding answers. But the board members only offered vague, uncertain words.

“We also have very high expectations for Ban. But surely you understand that we have our own circumstances? So please, be understanding… Ah! Or perhaps Ban could consider naturalization at this time—”

“I have no intention of naturalizing.”

While he loved coming to Tavarona and meeting Aaron, he didn’t want to give up his nationality. Nostalgia for his homeland and patriotism certainly played a role, but the biggest reason was his worry over the criticism his family would face if he naturalized as a Spaniard.

As soon as Je-rim gave his blunt answer, the future became predictable just by looking at the sweating faces of the board members. Things were not going well. After finishing a conversation that barely qualified as one, Ju-han was even angrier than Je-rim, the party involved.

“Those fucking bastards! They’re exactly like the saying—different when entering the privy than when leaving it. Je-rim, don’t think about anything else and just keep your mind at ease for now. I’ll handle this somehow.”

“Okay…”

“For now… don’t tell your mother. As those people said, that fucking guy’s situation might resolve itself.”

He had no intention of telling his mother in the first place. She had followed him all the way here just for her son; if she heard that her son’s future had become uncertain, she would surely collapse mentally. And above all, Je-rim didn’t have the courage to tell her with his own mouth that her son might fail.

‘No, nothing is certain yet…’

As he lifted his head from the sink, cold water dripped down his chin, gradually erasing his stray thoughts. Je-rim repeated endlessly to the foolish face reflected in the mirror.

It’s okay. Let’s not worry in advance. Who knows what will happen in the summer? And I’ve proven my value enough while grinding my teeth and playing here. Didn’t Coach Garcia and Coach Louis always encourage me, saying that you and Aaron are the future of Tavarona? The club will surely take action before the summer transfer window opens.

Anxiety and nervousness are the greatest enemies. This was a lesson Ju-han had drilled into him since he was young. He was taught to think simply about everything, told that a professional must be able to control their own mental state and that this ability is what separates the first-rate from the second-rate. Thanks to that, Je-rim was accustomed to cutting out useless thoughts.

‘I agreed to go see the Easter festival with Aaron this evening.’

Instead of staying here like this, he should finish his homework quickly. While going out, he should remember to return the borrowed DVDs and comic books, shower, and change into outing clothes… Ah, but what if it’s still like this in the summer? Or what if things spiral even worse?

‘No.’

He patted his wet cheeks and thought of Aaron again. He decided it would be best to wear the sneakers Aaron had given him as a gift. That guy would probably wear the shoes Je-rim gave him, too. Since they had gifted each other sneakers of the same design but different colors, they almost always wore them on dates.

…But if he had to transfer, he probably wouldn’t be able to go to another club within La Liga. Then what would happen with Aaron? A long-distance relationship? He hated the idea… What fun would there be in continuing this boring football without Aaron?

Still, if he had no choice but to transfer, what should he say to Aaron? It was obvious that Aaron wouldn’t want them to be apart. He was the type to whine that he missed Je-rim even if they hadn’t seen each other for just an hour. Despite his appearance, he was surprisingly lonely and quite jealous… In the first place, is a long-distance relationship even sustainable for long?

And more than anything, how could he tell his mother…

“Fuck…”

Je-rim turned the water on again and plunged his face into the sink. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t shake the thoughts.

“Is something wrong?”

“Just… some stuff about the promotion.”

Je-rim opened another can of lemonade he had bought in bulk and downed it in one shot. This was already the third can. He felt suffocated, and his throat was parched. Since it was their first date in a while, he tried not to show his distress, but it seemed it was obvious after all.

Hearing the vague answer, Aaron’s expression hardened, as if he had already heard something. Indeed, whether Ban Je-rim could be officially registered for the first team was currently the biggest topic of interest within the team.

Je-rim knew that some people were even secretly running betting pools behind his back. Even those he thought were relatively close were now patting him on the shoulder in a fake attempt to comfort him, while actually rubbing salt in the wound as the situation grew weirder. Thus, even Aaron, who had been joining first-team training more often than youth training recently, couldn’t possibly be unaware.

Hesitating and gauging Je-rim’s reaction, Aaron asked softly.

“…Should I ask Coach Garcia about the internal situation?”

“Forget it, don’t do that. I’ll get mad if you do.”

“Why?”

“It hurts my pride. I’m not some loser who’s so bad that I have to tremble while waiting for the club’s mood.”

To be precise, he didn’t want to act exactly as those who were dying to see him in that state wanted. The situation where the club was weighing him like a piece of meat on a scale was already wounding his pride; he refused to fall to the bottom and grovel as an interesting spectacle.

And… Aaron had been playing in the first team without any issues so far, while he, who had been called up and played alongside Aaron until recently, might have to leave because of that damn quota system… Separate from his love for Aaron, it would be a lie to say his feelings weren’t complicated in many ways.

Furthermore, asking a lover to secretly dig into behind-the-scenes affairs was unacceptable according to Je-rim’s common sense. Especially since he knew Aaron had a father-son-like relationship with Coach Garcia. If he did that, wouldn’t it seem like he was receiving unfair privileges thanks to a lover with strong backing?

‘It’s not like some pillow-talk petition…’

He wanted to show only a confident and cool side of himself to Aaron. He wanted to achieve official entry into Tavarona confidently, solely through his own skill, and stand beside Aaron. In fact, he had the skill to do so. This wasn’t childish arrogance, but an objective judgment.

“That’s true. Unless the club is an idiot, would they let you go? You’re the best, Bunny.”

Of course, even if he had skill, he wasn’t at the top level yet. How could a seventeen-year-old already grasp the summit? Je-rim smiled with a relieved expression at his boyfriend, who was boosting his spirits by kissing his cheeks. Even if it was childish praise, hearing it from Aaron’s mouth gradually eased the tightness in his chest.

“No, objectively, I’m not the best. You’re too blinded by love.”

“Isn’t it more crazy if you’re not blinded by love for your partner? You always tell me I’m cute, too.”

“In my case, it’s not love-blindness, it’s stating a fact.”

Je-rim countered without backing down an inch and lightly pressed his lips to Aaron’s forehead. Aaron immediately let out a pained moan and lunged at him, causing the two of them to collapse onto the white sandy beach. As expected, they had made the right choice last year to head to the beach to play alone rather than watching a festival.

While lying on their backs with their spines pressed against the sand, Aaron hugged Je-rim and whispered. Even then, he dropped kisses all over Je-rim’s sand-covered face.

“It’ll work out. Don’t worry too much, and let’s wait together.”

“Why do we even need to wait together? You’re busy now that you’re in the starting lineup for first-team matches. Always prioritize your condition.”

Je-rim’s eyelids flickered every time Aaron’s lips touched him, but he urged him in a voice mixed with laughter. Although Aaron wasn’t officially registered for the first team yet, his name frequently appeared on the starting list. He was treated almost as a Starting Player.

While he felt an indescribable emotion as a colleague, it was also true that as a lover, he was proud and worried, so he stroked Aaron’s hair. However, Aaron became pouty, as if something else bothered him.

“Did you forget? We agreed to lift the Big Ear together. Your future is my future. Of course we have to wait together.”

“I didn’t forget. How many times did you nag me?”

Je-rim let out a deliberate sigh and ruffled Aaron’s hair. When Aaron first suggested—or rather, pressured him—to do something together in a distant future that might not even happen, Je-rim had laughed it off as nonsense or pointedly noted its lack of realism, but he didn’t do that anymore.

Rather, at this point, he truly hoped it would come true. Even if the future felt bleak and uncertain, and everything Aaron talked about sounded like a dream.

No, because they were dream-like stories.

“I really want to lift the Big Ear with you, too, really… We’ll achieve it together, right?”

Je-rim murmured, reaching his hand toward the sky. If there were any guarantee it would be granted, he felt like wishing upon the stars in the sky.

Please, let everything work out as Aaron said. Let him be able to stay with Aaron. Once he safely secured his place at Tavarona, he hoped his mother would return to Korea and live her own life.

At Je-rim’s uncharacteristic attitude, Aaron looked suspicious.

“Since when did you start speaking so definitively first?”

“I don’t know, when I listen to you nag, I feel like everything will come true. Maybe I’ve been brainwashed.”

Despite his words, Je-rim knew the truth. It was very simple. He had come to love the boy with stars in his eyes so much that he wanted to listen to and believe anything the boy whispered.

When he had impulsively kissed Aaron on this beach, he hadn’t known he would come to love him this much. …Really, not to this extent…

Feeling somewhat embarrassed, Je-rim sat up and picked up a lemonade can rolling beside him. After drinking two cans in succession, Aaron, who had been shifting his head to lie on Je-rim’s thigh, wrapped his arm around Je-rim’s waist and asked.

“Why have you been drinking so much lemonade? Is it tasty?”

“I don’t know, my throat just keeps feeling parched. The taste isn’t great… but I don’t know why the aftertaste is subtly nutty.”

Je-rim tilted his head. He thought it tasted similar to the Clara he had tried once. But the shop owner had sold it without any particular check, and it was much sweeter than the one he had drunk last time. Aaron snatched the can from Je-rim, who was shaking the remaining liquid, and pressed his hand to his forehead.

“…This is alcohol. See here? The alcohol percentage is marked in small print.”

“What? Oh, really. Isn’t this a scam? Anyone can see this is lemonade!”

The light turquoise can surface, reminiscent of cider, had a yellow lemon illustration and “0 Calories” printed boldly on it; who would think this was alcohol? Last time, he had bought a mixture of beer and lemon-flavored Fanta sold directly at a street stall, so he naturally didn’t know the design of the commercial product.

Aaron poured the remainder into the sea and returned to shake Je-rim.

“How many cans did you drink? You drank quite a few, didn’t you?”

“About five? I’m fine, I’m fine. You said the alcohol content isn’t that high.”

He wasn’t just saying it to reassure Aaron; he truly felt fine. Except for feeling a bit hot, excited, and having a racing heart. Since these were physical changes he always felt when he was with Aaron, he didn’t think much of it and sprang up.

“But let’s walk a bit. I’m getting restless just sitting here.”

And thus, exactly four hours later, Aaron, who had barely succeeded in dragging Je-rim near the dormitory, pleaded.

“Please, let’s go in, okay? The dorm doors lock completely after midnight. If you want to walk more, I’ll walk with you tomorrow!”

“That’s a shame…”

Je-rim smacked his lips. The weather was perfect for a stroll, and wandering around with Aaron was a great change of pace; above all, he just liked being with Aaron, so he wanted to walk a little more. In the streets where the Easter festival was in full swing, perhaps because of the alcohol, his mind was moderately hazy, giving him the feeling of wandering through a dream.

If he went into the dormitory and woke up, wouldn’t he wake up from this pleasant dream? Thinking that a reality where he had to fight anxiety and silently do his work was waiting for him, he felt like he never wanted to go inside.

Especially when he thought that at the end of that reality, there might be a future where he had no choice but to be separated from Aaron.

Even in his drunken state, habitually gauging the most likely future, Je-rim suddenly cupped Aaron’s cheeks.

“…Hey, make one promise to me.”

“Anything, just say it.”

“If we really, someday, break up…”

“Don’t say things like that.”

“Shh, listen to me until the end.”

Je-rim applied pressure with his hands again, fixing Aaron’s gaze on him as he continued.

“Even if we break up someday… hold onto me once, Ari.”

He didn’t ask Aaron to let himself be held, but asked Aaron to hold onto him. Even knowing how selfish and unrealistic the request was, he finally let it out.

Because he felt that Aaron would grant such a request without hesitation, and because he, who was often told he was decisive in cutting ties, felt that if Aaron held onto him, he would let himself be held even if the relationship had ended long ago.

If Aaron held onto him, he would surely fall in love with him again at any time. Even after the emotions had completely cooled. Just as he had fallen deeply in love despite not knowing he would love him this much.

“…I must really like you to make such a ridiculous request.”

After muttering as if possessed, the answer promising to do so dug into Je-rim’s mouth along with a hot breath. The kiss, shared secretly in the alleyway behind the dormitory, was ecstatic, leaving him more dazed than the alcohol he had unknowingly consumed.

And ominous premonitions never missed their mark. By the time May, the month of Je-rim’s birthday, had passed and early summer arrived, no spot had opened up for Je-rim in the first team. Then, an article appeared announcing that Aaron, at the age of 17 years and 213 days, had officially joined the first team with an astronomical buyout clause inserted into his contract.

✲✲✲

“Aaron, congratulations. I’m so proud of my boyfriend.”

“…Thanks.”

On the day the news of Aaron’s promotion broke, Je-rim called him to his room and hugged him. Since he knew that Aaron would have joined the first team this summer regardless of his own situation, the congratulations were somewhat subdued.

After pulling Aaron onto the bed and sitting beside him, Je-rim buried his face in the shoulder of his boyfriend, who had grown even taller over the past year. It would have been wonderful if he were a saint, filled only with pure congratulatory feelings, but if that were the case, he would probably be training to be a monk rather than a football player. Fearing that his complicated inner thoughts might show on his face, he chose a posture that hid his expression.

Regardless, it was a fact that he was proud and happy for him, so Je-rim continued speaking while patting the back of Aaron’s hand.

“Now you’ll be leaving the dormitory…. I’m a bit sad about that. I liked being in the room next to yours. You said you weren’t going back to your parents’ house, right? Did you find a place?”

“…No, I’m still looking.”

“Then what will you do in the meantime?”

“…I’m going to stay at Coach Garcia’s place for a bit, then move as soon as I find my own home.”

Je-rim lifted his head the moment he realized that Aaron’s answers were coming a beat slow and his tone was unusually lifeless. He belatedly realized that a situation had been created where Aaron had no choice but to walk on eggshells around him.

Je-rim laughed playfully on purpose and punched Aaron’s shoulder.

“Hey, did you commit a crime against me? Why are you hesitating so much?”

“…Sorry….”

Je-rim didn’t know why that single word of apology caused his forced smile to shatter in an instant.

Around mid-June, Ju-han and Chang-sik visited from Korea again. Ju-han pulled a few documents from a carefully carried envelope and pushed them in front of Je-rim.

“Ban Je-rim-ssi, that’s enough. Dump this trashy club from your side. I’ve been leaking rumors that you’re looking for a club to sign a professional contract with, and they’re already swarming like a pack of dogs. Look at the list yourself.”

Je-rim kept his eyes on the papers but didn’t actually read them. Ju-han gave him a personalized lecture, pointing to the documents one by one.

“How about here? Yeo-bin will be coming to the Bundesliga soon, so you won’t be bored. Oh, Newham is also good. Their offer is the strongest. The PL is the most comfortable for Asians to play in. You happen to speak English, and your physicality is great.”

“…I haven’t decided whether to transfer yet.”

“What?”

Je-rim leaned his head back against the chair to avoid Ju-han, who had been explaining with a beaming smile only to suddenly glare like a goblin.

“It’s not too late to wait until the end of the summer transfer window before deciding… I’d prefer to stay at Tavarona if possible….”

“From where I stand, no spots are opening up in the squad for a while. And even if one does, do you think guys who’ve already changed their word once won’t do it a second time?”

“…….”

The club that had asked him to wait until last winter had now changed their tune to ask him to wait until this summer. Thus, it wouldn’t be strange if summer turned back into winter, and then into the following summer. Ju-han shouted, tapping the table loudly.

“They’d rather fill the spot with a proven, stable professional than give a precious non-European quota spot to an 18-year-old who hasn’t even shaken off the youth tag! Tavarona has plenty of talented players fighting tooth and nail to get in, even if it’s not you!”

“Then can’t I just be better than those guys who want to come? I am good.”

“Je-rim… how wonderful would it be if the world worked that fairly.”

Je-rim had felt it painfully enough since coming to Tavarona that factors other than skill play a significant role in success. For example, luck, timing, nationality, and so on.

Still…. Closing his eyes tightly, Je-rim muttered softly.

“…England is too far.”

“Spain or England, it’s all the same. And I originally intended to send you to England. Your mother thought so too.”

“But Aaron is here….”

“Aaron Reyes? That friend of yours we ran into earlier? Why is he coming up now?”

Having lived with his mind half-gone lately, he had carelessly let slip something he should have never mentioned. Only after hearing Ju-han’s bewildered question did Je-rim snap his mouth shut in surprise. However, he couldn’t help but get defensive at the following question.

“Don’t tell me… you’re hesitating to transfer just because of one friend?”

“He’s not just a friend…!”

Ju-han cut him off as if he had heard enough.

“If he’s not just a friend, then what is he? Is he more precious than your future? More than your mother, father, and siblings? Enough to make the efforts of your family, who practically sacrificed themselves for you, go to waste?”

“That’s….”

“Je-rim, yes. At your age, things like friendship or love might seem more important. Because you’re at that age. But keep this one thing in mind.”

Ju-han gathered the scattered documents back into the envelope, forced them into Je-rim’s chest, and made eye contact. Then, a fierce warning pierced through him.

“The opportunities given to you are not eternal, and the time you can remain a child is running out. You are wasting that precious remaining time by creating a foolish delay.”

Even after Ju-han and Chang-sik left, Je-rim sat alone in the seminar room for a long time, spacing out. It was his first time experiencing a migraine caused by overthinking.

Because he knew what Ju-han’s words meant and how much effort Ju-han was putting in for him, every single word sank deeply. Especially the advice that the time he could remain a child was running out….

There were mountains of reasons to transfer, yet the current state of him stubbornly refusing to go solely because of Aaron felt immature even to himself, which made it hurt more.

‘I should discuss this with Aaron after all….’

Je-rim’s hand hovered in the air as he reached for his phone.

Would discussing it with him provide an answer? Would anything change?

That thought suddenly occurred to him. Aaron would undoubtedly say he hoped he wouldn’t go, and Je-rim would just repeat his dilemma that he didn’t want to go either, but it seemed right given the current situation. Aaron wouldn’t be able to give a clear, correct answer to that dilemma. Rather, he would give the wrong answer.

Receiving the wrong answer would only make him worry more. If Aaron held onto him, his heart would weaken further. And toward the worrying Je-rim, would Aaron… apologize again?

‘…Forget it.’

Je-rim postponed the answer for now and headed home for the first time in a while. He didn’t particularly want to go, but knowing his mother had closed the restaurant she opened every day because her son and guests were coming, he couldn’t avoid it.

As soon as he opened the front door, the smell of delicious food filled the air. Even without looking at the table, he knew it was filled with all his favorite dishes. He gave a weak greeting to his mother, who was still bustling about in the kitchen despite having prepared enough food to make the table legs bend.

“I’m home….”

“You’re here? Did Coach Kang and Chang-sik-ssi not come with you?”

“…Yeah, well. They said they were busy.”

“Oh, it would have been nice to have dinner together. I thought we’d have a noisy dinner table for the first time in a while….”

At the expression ‘noisy dinner table,’ Je-rim suddenly recalled the time he lived in Korea. Since there were five family members, dinner was noisy every day when he was young. Though that disappeared around the time he entered middle school, as both parents became busy with side jobs and he rarely came home early due to training.

And since coming to Spain….

“…Come to think of it, Mom, how do you handle meals when I’m not here? I haven’t been home often lately….”

“What do you mean ‘how’? I just eat roughly with some leftover side dishes when there are no guests.”

“And when there are guests?”

“Why are you suddenly asking questions you never asked before? Are you worried your mom is starving?”

Having finally finished boiling the stew, his mother turned around as she turned off the gas stove. Whether she was surprised that her son was hovering behind her instead of sitting at the table, or surprised by his expression, her eyes widened for a moment before she hugged Je-rim tightly.

“Son, don’t worry about anything, don’t care about anything. As long as you succeed, Mom doesn’t even need to eat.”

“…Isn’t it hard for you to run the restaurant? Living alone in Spain without knowing anyone….”

“It is hard. But I endure it by watching you. That’s how all parents live. Anyway, is he finally maturing….”

That day, the grains of rice felt like chewing sand, making it difficult to take even a single proper spoonful. However, he forced himself to eat it all without showing it. Then, he woke up secretly in the early morning and threw it all up. For several days after, he suffered from headaches and nausea due to severe indigestion.

After a few days had passed, he woke up one morning and the discomfort, which had felt like stones rolling around in his stomach, had completely vanished.

That evening, Je-rim visited the hotel where Ju-han was staying.

“Coach. …I think I was acting immaturely last time.”

✲✲✲

When Je-rim decided to transfer to Newham, Ju-han patted his shoulder with a calm expression and said.

That he had made the right decision. Je-rim repeated those words endlessly. Ju-han, his mother, and even Coach Louis comforted him, saying he had thought it through well and that he would do great wherever he went. Even to himself, it was definitely the ‘right decision.’ Except for the fact that one person’s face kept flickering in his mind, and his migraine wouldn’t go away.

As soon as the meeting with Coach Louis ended, Je-rim went to the beach he often visited with Aaron and waited for him. For some reason, Aaron did not appear even after the appointment time had passed. Nevertheless, Je-rim waited silently. A sense of obligation to inform Aaron first, excluding his family and teacher, kept him standing on the deserted white sand as if nailed down.

However, Aaron arrived with a face that suggested he already knew everything before Je-rim could tell him.

“You’re… why is your expression like that?”

“I wonder. Don’t you know the reason better than I do?”

Sure enough, Aaron had just come after hearing the news from Coach Garcia. Since Coach Louis wouldn’t have passed the word that quickly, it must have leaked from the board. The timing was absolutely shitty.

After a few words of wasteful arguing, Je-rim gripped his throbbing forehead and clenched his teeth.

“I decided yesterday! That’s why I called you out to tell you right away today!”

“I’m dissatisfied with that part in the first place! You could have at least discussed it with me before deciding. Why do you decide alone and then just notify me?”

“…And if we discussed it? Would you have held onto me and told me not to go? If I go to Newham, I get into the first team immediately, and my weekly wage jumps several times over.”

“Can’t I hold onto you? We’re dating. Even if I know it’s selfish, can’t I even just say the words?”

At those words, Je-rim’s pupils shook violently. As Aaron said, he had the right to do so. Honestly, if the situation were reversed, he surely would have said the same things as Aaron and held onto him. Facing Je-rim’s eyes as if to devour them, Aaron continued.

“If you go to Newham, how many times a year do you think we’ll see each other? Maybe five times at most. And that will probably become more infrequent…. I can’t follow you right now because of my remaining contract period or the buyout clause. It’ll be the same for you. If we break up now, we’ll have to be apart for at least three years! Do you want to be away from me?”

Every worry he voiced was exactly what Je-rim had been worried about. Out of frustration, Je-rim asked back as if questioning him.

“Who said I want to be away from you? I worried a lot because I didn’t want that either. But what can I do when there’s no answer other than transferring?”

“That’s exactly my point! Why did you do all that worrying alone and just end it!”

At Aaron’s shout, which he was hearing for the first time, a piercing pain shot through his temples. His stomach, which he thought had healed, churned again. Je-rim covered his mouth to suppress the nausea, but eventually, instead of the rising vomit, he screamed back just like Aaron.

“Because I knew you’d act like this! Frankly, what would change if we worried together? It would only prolong the time spent hesitating, and the answer would be the same in the end.”

As he stood there panting, pale-faced, Aaron grabbed Je-rim’s hand. A voice completely opposite to the agitated one from a moment ago flowed from his lips.

“…Je-rim, don’t go. Please? We decided to lift the Big Ear together. Even if you can’t be officially registered for the first team this summer, there’s still time. If a spot opens up, there’s a high probability it’ll be yours, so you don’t have to rush….”

Je-rim slowly pulled his hand away and avoided his gaze. Just hearing the voice made him nauseous; he didn’t have the courage to even check his expression.

“…I have to rush. I want to send my mom back to Korea within this year no matter what…. Above all, there’s no guarantee that the empty spot will definitely be mine.”

“I’ll ask Coach Garcia about that.”

“What?”

“…If you want a guarantee, I can solve it for you.”

That’s why he should have just kept avoiding Aaron’s expression. Je-rim, who eventually looked up to check Aaron’s face, let out a hollow laugh.

It was an expression that showed Aaron knew perfectly well he was saying something he shouldn’t, yet he was saying it because he couldn’t overcome his own greed.

“Hey, didn’t I clearly tell you last time that I’d be angry if you did something like that? There’s no way you forgot… you’re saying this knowing full well, right?”

“Yes. Because I don’t want you to go! I’m saying I can remove your anxiety if you just wait a little, so why-.”

The moment he heard that, the reason Je-rim had been barely holding onto snapped. He cut Aaron off and pushed his chest, knocking him over.

“Fuck, are you telling me to stay slumped here just for this kind of love game? Waiting to benefit from my boyfriend?”

Give me a guarantee? Who the hell is he? Why should I stay here humiliatingly, receiving such a guarantee from a peer player who is nothing? In the first place, how are he and I any different? He was just lucky enough to be born into a rich family in Spain and get the backing of the Tavarona first-team coach.

The resentment, inferiority, and irritation he had been desperately suppressing poured out violently as soon as the dam broke slightly. In a momentary blind rage, Je-rim shouted heartlessly at Aaron, who was sitting on the sandy ground.

“Sorry, but you’re not that important to me. Instead of showing off, know your place, Aaron Reyes.”

But still, he should never have said those last words. No matter how much he had lost his reason, no matter how impulsive he had been, even if his head was full of holes because he hadn’t slept and his condition was at its worst.

Because… it was a complete lie. A lie born from a base desire to scratch Aaron’s pride as much as his own had been hurt. Just as Je-rim covered his mouth and tried to mutter urgently.

“…Ah, the last part was a slip of the tongue….”

“Je-rim, I understand well how you’ve been thinking of me all this time.”

Aaron, who had fallen, staggered to his feet. Seeing this, Je-rim reached out to help him, but Aaron heartlessly brushed his hand away. Since it was also the first time he had been rejected by Aaron, Je-rim’s hand froze awkwardly in mid-air.

Soon, seeing Aaron’s face, Je-rim’s entire body stiffened. The face that was always full of confidence and sparkling eyes when playing football, and that poured out honest affection with a dazed look or just smiled like a dreaming boy when with him….

“…Thank you for letting me wake up, even if it’s at the end.”

It was distorted miserably. The amber eyes, which had looked as if jewels and stars were embedded in them, had lost their color and were dripping tears.

While his thoughts were paralyzed by a series of first-time experiences, one word swirled chaotically in Je-rim’s head.

The end. The end. …The end?

Aaron turned away, ignoring the hand Je-rim instinctively reached out again.

“…Let’s take some time to think. You’ve already come to your own conclusion anyway, and like you said, I don’t think fighting about it here is going to change that answer, so what’s the point in arguing further?”

“Aaron, wait….”

“Don’t hold onto me. I don’t want to look at your face right now.”

It was an absolute, unequivocal rejection.

✲✲✲

Driven by Ju-han’s passion, the transfer proceeded at lightning speed. Having moved to Newum just a week after the fight with Aaron, Je-rim broke a sweat trying to find a house and persuade his mother, who wanted to remain in England.

Only after he played his trump card—mentioning that Je-ah would soon be a high school senior and Je-hee would be entering middle school—did his mother return to her home country after two years. Until the very end, she repeatedly urged him to take good care of Ju-han as his guardian.

He thought he would feel liberated now that he was finally living alone as he had wished, but the reality was quite the opposite. Although they had parted without even a proper goodbye, his head felt like it was going to explode from worrying about Aaron, who still hadn’t contacted him—even more so than when he had been worrying about the transfer.

He hesitated dozens of times a day, wondering if he should be the first to reach out. But to be the one to contact him first after spouting such vile words, even if it was a mistake… no matter how thick-skinned he was, it wasn’t easy. Even when he started writing a message to Aaron, the image of Aaron’s crying face would flicker in his mind, and he would end up deleting everything.

He was scared. He was afraid that if he contacted him for no reason, he would be dealt a finishing blow—a confirmation that that moment was indeed their last. He feared that perhaps everything had already ended on that beach, and he was the only one unable to admit it.

‘…He said let’s take some time to think…. It’s not over yet….’

He simply killed time endlessly, recalling the words “take some time” like a mantra. Not knowing how much time he had to kill before Aaron’s “time to think” was over, he just spent every day in a daze. In the meantime, the pre-season for his new club arrived.

Newum’s young captain, Glenn, was a very good person. Perhaps the contrast felt sharper because the captain of the Tavarona youth team had been Mateo. Oh, and he naturally ran into Mateo, who had been on loan at Newum.

“You ignored me so much, but in the end, you came to Newum too? See, what did I tell you? I told you there would be no place for you here.”

“Hey, you youth loanee who’s heading back after the pre-season. Stop being a nuisance and just get lost….”

“Your pride is still sky-high, huh? In a way, that’s almost impressive.”

“And you’re still a ball of inferiority. …Haa, fuck. I never thought the day would come where I’d actually understand a piece of shit like you….”

The vile words he had thrown at Aaron had clearly stemmed from inferiority. A hideous emotion he had never imagined he would harbor toward another person in his life. And toward the lover he had adored so much, no less….

After the fight with Aaron, Je-rim muttered to himself, chewing on the self-loathing that had been ruminated upon so often it had now become limp like water. The last sentence was in Korean. Mateo, who couldn’t possibly understand Korean, looked Je-rim up and down as if he were a crazy person.

“What are you talking about?”

“…I said hang in there. Fighting. I sincerely hope you settle down at the next club you go to.”

“…….”

After clashing for the first and last time on the first day of pre-season training, he and Mateo treated each other like strangers. Honestly, even if Mateo had picked a fight like before, Je-rim wouldn’t have had the strength to deal with it properly.

He had no focus, no strength, and no motivation. Je-rim’s pathetic state was, of course, quickly noticed by Ju-han. It was inevitable; even with Ju-han—who had come personally to the Newum Training Center—and Anna, the club’s media and PR representative, standing right in front of him, Je-rim was only thinking about Aaron. Ju-han, who had known him since childhood, couldn’t help but feel the dissonance.

“Je-rim, Ban Je-rim! Are you listening?”

“Yes? Ah, yes….”

“Listening to what? Let’s start managing your SNS now!”

“SNS?”

“You have an account, right?”

“Yes. But I really just have the account.”

Je-rim muttered weakly and sluggishly pulled out his phone. Having switched to a smartphone only about three months ago, the phone was practically new and sparkled. He had created the account when he got the smartphone. On the same day as Aaron, together….

Since it was trendy these days, they had both created accounts and then naturally neglected them. All they had done was follow each other at the start. So, after reinstalling the SNS app and logging in, the main screen immediately showed that they were each other’s only following. The number of followers had increased quite a bit. It seemed some fans had recognized him and followed him even though he hadn’t promoted it.

Without realizing it, Je-rim’s finger moved to click on Aaron’s account. Unconsciously, even though he knew there would be no posts.

“…….”

“Hey, why that face again? Why have you been acting like someone who’s lost their mind lately, huh?”

“…Because it’s hard.”

“What’s hard? From what I see, Mackenzie is taking great care of you.”

“Just because. Just… it’s just hard.”

Je-rim flipped his phone face down on the table and collapsed his upper body. As his cheek touched the cold steel table, a chill that was beyond refreshing and bordering on freezing pierced his skin. Even so, he didn’t get up; instead, he covered his eyes and let out an infinitely weak sound, and Ju-han stroked his hair.

“…Silly thing. Time is the medicine for everything anyway. Once it passes, it’ll become nothing, so don’t think about it too much. Though I don’t know what’s making it so hard for you.”

Would it really be like that? Would this become nothing as time passed? Really…? Then, by the time this pain, regret, and waiting all became nothing, what kind of relationship would he and Aaron have changed into? A relationship of nothing?

The moment he imagined himself and Aaron passing each other as strangers in the distant future, his eyes stung. Je-rim turned his head and pressed his forehead against the table. Watching him, Ju-han clicked his tongue, exchanged a few words with Anna, and patted Je-rim’s back. Soon, English spoken with very honest pronunciation poured over Je-rim’s back.

“So about the account, for now, Chang-sik and I will manage it for you. With your personality, you’ll probably find it too tedious to do it consistently.”

“Yes, well. Do whatever you want….”

“In exchange, you should log in occasionally and leave comments on your teammates’ posts yourself.”

“That’s right, Jerry. If it’s too obvious that someone else is managing it, it can have the opposite effect.”

“…I really don’t know how to do it.”

Since he was already in a period of zero motivation, being forced to do something made it even more tedious. Je-rim, who barely managed to pick up his face-down phone, grumbled in a slumped voice, and Anna, who was sitting opposite him, tapped his forearm.

“Then shall I teach you?”

“That’s a bit… wouldn’t that take up too much of your time?”

“If it’s Jerry, I think it’s okay to lose a little time.”

Ju-han chuckled and poked Je-rim’s side. However, Je-rim remained frozen, unable to even manage an awkward smile. Seeing this, Anna laughed with a voice as bright as rolling beads.

“The club has such high expectations for you. This is an opportunity to absorb your recognition from Asia as well. And originally, player education is part of my job.”

“…Yes.”

Realizing he had reacted sensitively to the playful teasing, Je-rim blushed. Following Anna’s instructions, Je-rim followed her, Glenn, and a few other teammates, then posted a panoramic photo of Newum Stadium with a brief greeting on his account. Anna left a comment on the post welcoming him.

She told him to try leaving a comment on someone else’s post, so he did as told. He went to Anna’s account and sent a single emoticon to the photo at the top; Anna replied to that comment with a green heart emoticon.

Newum fans always used this green heart when expressing affection for their team. It was likely because the club’s symbolic color was green. Every club had its own symbolic color. Usually, they were derived from the home uniform or emblem colors; Newum was green, Tavarona was wine, Sefton was gold, and Molden was white.

He learned in detail, trying out functions he hadn’t even known existed one by one. As it got more complex toward the end, his head began to throb.

“Why is this so difficult.”

“It’s convenient once you get used to it. There’s no faster way to get news you’re interested in.”

“How do you do that…. Ah, is it this? Explore?”

“Yes, that’s right. …Wow, what is this?”

While looking through the photos that appeared in the Explore tab with Je-rim, Anna suddenly widened her eyes and clicked on one of them. A post appeared with the silhouettes of a man and a woman, and a heart placed between the words “Tavarona’s top prospect” and “next-generation Hollywood star.”

The moment Je-rim saw the photo and the caption, he was overwhelmed by a sense of bewilderment as if his thoughts were evaporating. It was clearly Aaron’s silhouette, and the squad number Aaron had received upon officially joining the first team was prominently displayed on the chest of that silhouette. The expression “Tavarona’s top prospect” clearly referred to Aaron as well.

What is this? What is this? A scandal? With whom? That Aaron? …No, no way. It must be a tabloid. Articles that attract attention with silhouettes and provocative headlines are a hundred percent tabloids.

Above all, the Aaron Je-rim had known was absolutely not the type of person to meet someone else immediately, no matter how angry he was. Just as he reached that conclusion and tried to erase such a tabloid from his mind, Ju-han joined in and peered at the phone screen.

“What is it?”

“Reyes, that super rookie from Tavarona. Looks like he’s dating some actor?”

At the definitive assumption, Je-rim bolted up from his seat and snapped irritably.

“Anyone can see it’s a tabloid!”

The atmosphere in the room turned cold in an instant. Seeing this, Ju-han asked bewilderedly.

“…Ban Je-rim, why are you suddenly like this?”

“…Fuck….”

“What, fuck? Hey, Ban Je-rim! Where are you going!”

Whether it was SNS or anything else, he was in no mood to learn more or face other people, so he just stormed out. He wasn’t feeling miserable because he didn’t trust Aaron, but because of the people who believed such a tabloid without a shred of doubt, despite not knowing him at all.

However, that firm belief began to crumble the next day when an official article was published. A photo of Aaron and Gabriela Delgado dating at some equestrian club was plastered across the front page. And a few days later, a photo that looked like the two were kissing was released, and Je-rim’s faith ran dry.

If a scandal broke this big, shouldn’t he have contacted him at the very least, no matter how angry he was? He should have either said they were breaking up because he found someone else, or explained that it wasn’t true. Time to think, my ass, did that mean time to meet someone else?

…Or does he just not feel the need to contact me? Because the relationship is already over in Aaron’s heart? Was “let’s take some time to think” a roundabout way of saying let’s break up? When he looked it up online, it usually meant that….

As he realized they had become a relationship where he couldn’t even expect such a basic explanation, the strength left Je-rim’s hand. To be precise, he practically threw it.

“Whoa, what!”

“Jerry’s phone….”

The phone, bought not long ago, naturally fell to the floor and shattered. At the sound of the crash, Glenn and other teammates sitting nearby, as well as Ju-han, who was on his way back from getting documents at the airport office, focused their attention on Je-rim. Glenn rubbed Je-rim’s back and asked cautiously.

“What’s wrong? Is something happening? You look really pale. Maybe you should tell the manager and skip this tour….”

“Oh boy, does he have a cold? I’ll talk to him, so I’ll take him away for a moment.”

Ju-han rushed over, picked up the shattered phone, and helped Je-rim up. Having followed Je-rim to the airport to resolve his visa issues before the tour to Australia, Ju-han pushed him into the restroom and pleaded with an expression that looked like he was about to cry.

“Seriously, why are you like this lately, huh? You have to tell me something so I can do something!”

“…It’s nothing.”

“What do you mean nothing, you brat! You’ve been strange since you transferred—no, since you were hesitating to transfer. What on earth is….”

As he spoke, he glanced at the phone instead of the silent Je-rim. The moment he caught a glimpse of the article headline and photo still visible on the cracked screen, Ju-han’s eyes, which had been teary like a calf’s, gradually turned cold.

“Ban Je-rim, you….”

“Ah, enough! I said it’s nothing! I’m fine! I won’t miss the tour, so don’t worry. Happy now?”

Je-rim snapped, even though he knew he was taking his frustration out on Ju-han for no reason. Ju-han looked like he wanted to pry further, but he soon straightened Je-rim’s clothes and put the broken phone in his own trouser pocket.

“…Just go. Give me the phone. I’ll get it repaired for you.”

“…Thank you.”

Expecting a scolding, the touch of worry instead made Je-rim’s hostility vanish instantly. Ju-han patted the shoulder of Je-rim, who gave a small bow.

“Keep your head straight on the tour. You won’t get anywhere if you act like this. Competition isn’t just for the youth level. You know the pro world is even tougher, right? I trust you’ll do well, but….”

“Yes….”

Je-rim let his shoulders slump. He had felt the urge to throw away all the expectations placed on him and run away many times, but this was the first time such a strong impulse had surged. Lately, he truly had no confidence in doing well. Everything felt like a struggle.

But as it always had to end as just a thought, today he eventually forced himself onto the plane heading for Australia.

✲✲✲

Around the time he first met Je-rim, he had suffered from a lack of sleep, but lately, living apart, the problem was that he slept too much.

No matter how much he slept, he felt sleepy. Until the pre-season began and he was forced to wake up, he truly spent the whole day sleeping. He didn’t play the soccer he loved so much, didn’t look at his phone or computer, and spent all his time lying down without even opening the windows in the middle of summer.

‘…I shouldn’t have made that proposal.’

The more he thought about the situation with Je-rim, the more all sorts of emotions rushed in like a tide, repeatedly scratching through his already complicated mind and chest like an ebbing tide.

One moment he was angry at his own selfishness that he couldn’t control, then his heart would ache as Je-rim’s words—that he wasn’t that kind of existence—came to mind. Then he would try to understand that Je-rim had only spat those words out in the heat of the moment because he himself had acted selfishly first, then he would self-flagellate, thinking he should have had a more rational conversation, and in the end, he couldn’t bear it because he was afraid Je-rim’s words were sincere.

Unable to escape the repeating cycle of thoughts, he agonized every day, and at some point, he succumbed to the desire to simply sleep without thinking, resulting in the worst possible lifestyle pattern. It was only natural that he fell ill after suddenly engaging in training while living such a mess of a life.

His fever spiked to 40 degrees, and the muscles throughout his body throbbed. The funny thing was that, despite that, he didn’t even think about the fact that his body was hurting. Not until he went to the training ground in that state and collapsed, intoxicated by the fever and the heat.

When he opened his eyes, he had been moved to the hospital. What welcomed Aaron, who returned to the training ground from the hospital ward after being bedridden for five days, was the news of a scandal with his half-sister.

“Fuck, what the….”

The moment he heard about the scandal from his teammates, he used the excuse that he still wasn’t feeling well and left early. He rushed home, connected the charging cable to his phone which had turned off due to battery depletion, and turned it on immediately.

Until now, his thoughts had been complicated in many ways, and he had hesitated to contact Je-rim for fear of receiving a lukewarm response. But it was a different story after such a bizarre scandal had spread.

Saying “let’s take some time to think” meant literally taking time to calm their agitated emotions; it was absolutely not something said because he wanted to break up.

Of course, the moment he heard those words from Je-rim, he was so heartbroken that for a fleeting second, he had imagined the end. However, even while groaning in a haze of sleepiness and body aches, the thought he had most often was that he missed Je-rim, no matter what. Therefore, he couldn’t let it end like this.

“Just, pick up. Je-rim, please….”

But no matter how many times he called, Je-rim didn’t answer. He felt devastated, wondering if Je-rim was intentionally ignoring him, then suddenly remembered it was the pre-season tour period and immediately searched for the Newum FC website. Upon discovering that today was the departure date for the Australia tour, Aaron breathed a sigh of relief.

He couldn’t answer because he was on a plane. Since the flight from England to Australia takes quite a while, he wouldn’t be able to get through until tomorrow at the latest. Then, thinking he should leave a message so Je-rim could see it as soon as he landed, he opened the messenger window.

But explaining the details of his relationship with Gabriella, why those photos were taken, and why he hadn’t been in touch via text would have made the message endlessly long. After hesitating for a while, Aaron decided it would be better to explain with words rather than text and left a voice message.

Part of his reasoning was that explaining the scandal partner was his half-sister would be hard to believe through text alone, especially since there was currently no proof of their sibling relationship; thus, leaving a voice recording felt like the better choice. It would have been best to meet and talk face-to-face, but that was impossible for now.

“I know you’re probably busy adjusting, so I’m sorry for causing you stress. I swear to God, I haven’t been messing around since we fought. Whether it was before or after I fell for you, no one else has ever caught my eye, so messing around was impossible to begin with. And…”

Though the catalyst for reaching out was pathetic, the words flowed easily once he actually did. From explanations and apologies to a sort of vow—that while his heart wasn’t fully healed, he felt he couldn’t let things end like this between them.

After ending with a somewhat sentimental closing, Aaron sent the voice message and waited silently for Je-rim-ssi to check it.

The following afternoon, as expected, the indicator showed the message had been read, but Je-rim provided no particular reply or contact. Thinking he might be lacking free time since he had just arrived in Australia, Aaron didn’t press him.

However, days passed without a word from Je-rim. Unable to bear it, Aaron sent a few more calls and texts, but Je-rim didn’t answer.

‘…He must be busy.’

Not wanting to believe he was being intentionally ignored, he comforted himself by thinking Je-rim was busy with the tour. But even as Newum’s Australian tour was nearing its end, there was still no word from Je-rim.

At this point, Aaron seriously considered risking disciplinary action to go to Australia or Newum. Despite knowing how much of a scandal it would be for a rookie player who had just officially joined the first team to desert during pre-season training, he began planning his escape. Since Tavarona was also in Dubai for a tour and training camp, he first headed secretly toward the airport.

Since Newum’s Australian tour would end in two days, Aaron decided it would be better to go to Newum and wait. He attempted to pay for the fastest flight to England available on the spot—despite not knowing where Je-rim lived in Newum or what his exact schedule was.

Ultimately, however, the escape attempt failed.

“You crazy bastard!”

It was because Coach Garcia, noticing Aaron was missing from the lodgings, had chased after him relentlessly with several coaches in tow.

Thrown back into his room almost like a prisoner, Aaron was severely scolded, asked what on earth had possessed him to act so crazily lately. He was also met with harsh words: “Do you think I brought you up to the first team just to see you act like this?” Still, seeing as the incident was kept quiet and only reported to his father, the favoritism remained.

Upon hearing about the incident, Gabriella called Aaron and screamed at him as if dealing with the world’s biggest idiot.

-Just try contacting him through social media! It shows when someone is online, so it’s harder to leave them on read. Aim for when he’s active.

“Je-rim has an account, but he doesn’t use social media. Last time, he deleted it as soon as he made it because he said it was too complicated and annoying.”

-…I heard he does?

After the brazen excuse that she had done some spying because she was worried since the mess was caused by her, Gabriella added one more thing.

Ah, but I can see why you fell for him. He’s so handso—

“Gabi, stop being interested in my boyfriend. Unless you want us to cut ties.”

Aaron hung up before his sister could respond and installed a social media app. He had deleted it thinking there was no need since Je-rim didn’t use it, but he never imagined he’d be reinstalling it for something like this.

Sure enough, since transferring to Newum, Je-rim had been active on social media—not intensely, but consistently. Aaron was seized by complex emotions as he looked at Je-rim’s following list, which had once contained only him but was now filled with unfamiliar names.

While he felt jealous that Je-rim’s social circle had expanded beyond his knowledge, he also felt relieved that he seemed to be doing well. He hadn’t worried that Je-rim would be doing poorly, but still, a small, very small part of him hoped Je-rim was struggling just as much as he was… Quickly brushing aside those sordid inner thoughts, he scrolled through Je-rim’s posts.

Then, he noticed a name that appeared unusually often and slowed his scrolling. This person left comments on every single post Je-rim uploaded, and occasionally, Je-rim responded to them. Feeling a sudden chill, Aaron clicked on that person’s account.

‘Is it a club staff member?’

The background of a photo taken with Je-rim, who was wearing a tracksuit, appeared to be inside Newum’s training center. Seeing that they often posted photos with other players or bragged about autographs on jerseys and Club merchandise, it was certain they were at least affiliated with the club.

Then, upon discovering a comment Je-rim had left on that person’s post, Aaron instinctively gripped his phone as if he might crush it.

Je-rim, who had a history of deleting the app immediately because he found managing an account they had created together too tedious, had started social media again as soon as he transferred and was leaving responses to someone else’s posts—and it wasn’t just once. It wasn’t “many” times, but… what bothered him most were the heart emojis the account owner consistently left for Je-rim.

‘…I guess they just got close.’

Aaron forcibly pushed away the waves of jealousy and suspicion. Je-rim had always been popular thanks to his natural adaptability and friendliness. Because of that, how much had Aaron suffered from jealousy at school and at the club? It had been even harder at school since it was co-ed, meaning there were twice as many people to worry about. Because Je-rim in a school uniform couldn’t have looked handsome and pretty only to his eyes, fuck.

Regardless, given Je-rim’s personality, it wouldn’t be strange if he had quickly become close with the people at Newum FC. Yes, not strange at all. It was a relief, if anything, that he seemed to be doing very, very, truly well.

Feeling pathetic for scouring a stranger’s account out of bizarre suspicion, he returned to Je-rim’s profile. Just then, the “online” indicator Gabi had mentioned appeared next to Je-rim’s name.

“…Hah.”

Seeing with his own eyes that Je-rim was perfectly fine and online even while still in Australia, Aaron felt his stomach twist again, realizing that the previous silence had indeed been an intentional ignore. However, he tried to tell himself that Je-rim must have been angry, and that it was hard to fully believe an explanation without a shred of evidence, and sent a DM pleading with him to at least listen.

Then, surprisingly, the “typing” indicator appeared. Je-rim seemed to be contemplating, writing and deleting for quite a long time. While waiting, Aaron’s heart hammered so hard he felt breathless. And after the long wait, the reply that came was enough to freeze his heart, which had been pounding with anticipation.

I’m not curious.

“No matter what you say, I have no intention of believing you, so don’t contact me.”

Barely moving his trembling hands, Aaron sent a reply, saying that while he knew Je-rim was angry because of the scandal or their fight, they weren’t the kind of relationship that should end like this. However, from that message onward, the read receipt never appeared. He wasn’t blocked. It seemed Je-rim was simply deleting the messages without even reading them.

After realizing that all the messages he sent were being tossed into the trash, Aaron lost the courage to try contacting Je-rim further. Seeing Je-rim’s attitude of shutting down the conversation entirely, the words you aren’t that important to me kept flickering in his mind, and he lost all confidence.

Aaron entered the opening of the regular league—his first since joining the first team—while trapped in the worst slump of his life.

“Aaron, you’ll be on the bench for the time being. Think of it as an adjustment period. If there’s anything on your mind, feel free to consult me anytime; the club will also actively support you…”

Coach Garcia’s encouragement was appreciated, but it didn’t resonate at all. How could he possibly consult her?

Ever since the severe fight and Je-rim’s transfer, he had been unable to function in his daily life. He wanted to kill himself out of frustration, wondering why he had made such a proposal when he knew full well it would wound Je-rim’s pride.

It angered him that while he was not okay at all, Je-rim seemed to be doing just fine. He felt like he was going crazy worrying about everyone—the person named Anna who appeared frequently on Je-rim’s SNS, the captain of Newum who seemed exceptionally close to Je-rim, and all the other players.

More than anything, he was terrified that perhaps… he really was nothing more than a trivial existence to Je-rim, someone whose relationship could be severed in a single stroke without even the need for a conversation. Since Je-rim wasn’t the type to say things he didn’t mean, Aaron couldn’t shake the suspicion that Je-rim had finally grown sick of him and spoken his true feelings at the end.

How could he possibly say these things? Aaron grew more haggard by the day as he suffered in silence. Eventually, thinking he should at least ask about Je-rim’s well-being from the guy who had seen his face most recently, he sought out Mateo. He didn’t even want to speak with the man who had insulted Je-rim, but there was no other way.

Just before the transfer window closed, Mateo’s transfer to a lower-mid table club in La Liga had been finalized. He was packing his bags after finishing his final training session at Tavarona. Mateo looked puzzled seeing Aaron visit the youth team training ground.

“What brings you here?”

“Mateo, did you… run into Je-rim at Newum?”

“Of course I did. We spent the pre-season together.”

“…Is he doing well?”

At the hesitant question, Mateo openly frowned. He seemed well aware that the subject of the inquiry was absolutely not himself.

“Why are you asking me? You guys are close.”

“……”

“Don’t tell me you fought… forget it. He’s doing well. Why wouldn’t he be? Though he seems a bit different.”

“What? How does he seem different?”

“He’s less of an asshole.”

Was this bastard joking until the very end? With a distorted expression, Aaron stared meaningfully at Mateo’s ankle, which he had almost broken in a failed attempt. Mateo shuddered.

“Don’t look at me with that face. Aren’t you asking me because you’re curious about a friend you fought with? I’m being generous by telling you, so be grateful.”

As he said, it did seem like he was being generous. If it were the old Mateo, he would never have put it in positive terms regardless of whether Je-rim was doing well or not, and he certainly would have sneered the moment he noticed Aaron and Je-rim had fought. Even the expression “less of an asshole” was likely a compliment in his own way.

Perhaps he had learned something during his loan at Newum. Or perhaps, even if it was a lower-mid table team, the stability of moving to the first team had made his heart more generous. Aaron looked away from Mateo’s ankle and asked again.

“Other than that? Anything else?”

“Nothing. We didn’t talk much… If you’re that curious, try contacting him yourself.”

“…Right, thanks.”

At that docile thank-you, Mateo’s eyebrow twitched. Why were both these guys suddenly saying things they never used to… Whether it was the encouragement Ban Je-rim had left him or Aaron’s thank-you, there was something about it that made him uncomfortable.

Watching Aaron’s trudging back, Mateo scratched his head and, after some hesitation, spoke up. He inwardly guessed that if Aaron went so far as to ask about a friend he’d fought with, it must be because he was worried.

“…The captain there is a good person. He takes good care of the youngest. Je-rim follows him well, unlike how he treated me. The coach is a bit of a hot-tempered lunatic, but other than that, it’s fine. Also…”

He almost added that Je-rim seemed strangely drained but actually played the games well, but stopped himself. He was only showing favor because he felt uneasy; since both Aaron and Ban Je-rim were still annoying, he didn’t want to go as far as praising him. He ended his words with a click of his tongue.

“I don’t know anything beyond that. Do you think I’d be close with him? Anyway, he’s doing well. I heard he’s even flirting with a staff member…”

“What?”

Aaron, who had been listening with his back turned, spun around fiercely the moment Mateo carelessly repeated a rumor circulating through the club. He had known the guy since they were young, but when that face turned serious, it was truly terrifying.

Aaron forcibly held onto the slinking Mateo and bit his lip several times. He knew that once he asked, there would be no turning back, but he couldn’t help himself.

“…Is that staff member’s name Anna?”

“How do you know? I guess you haven’t completely cut off contact with him after all?”

Blood finally seeped from his painfully bitten lip. It was miserable enough that the name he had been bothered by since seeing Je-rim’s SNS account was the protagonist of the rumor about flirting with Je-rim, but there was another reason that made Aaron feel even more wretched.

The fact that while he had been agonizing over how to contact Je-rim, Je-rim had been doing so well that such rumors were circulating at Newum—it served as evidence that the words you aren’t that important to me were the truth.

A suspicion sprouted that the words I have no intention of believing you weren’t said because Je-rim was angry, but were perhaps an excuse to conveniently clear the relationship since a scandal had already broken out.

From that day on, he broke even the sliver of expectation and hope he held for Je-rim and threw it in the trash.

✲✲✲

Je-rim, who was usually bold to the point of being brazen, showed rare signs of nervousness today. Part of it was because he was facing his first starting game for the National Team, and specifically the deciding match for the World Cup Round of 16, but another reason was the primary cause of his tension.

As Je-rim followed his Sunbaes into the tunnel, he muttered to himself.

‘If I run into him… first, I’ll greet him normally…’

I should ask if he’s been doing well. With a smile. That way, Aaron will know I’m not angry and might be willing to talk. And I must tell him that I have something to say after the game.

Over the past few months, Je-rim had experienced complex emotional shifts several times a day.

When he woke up in the morning, he felt he should be the one to reach out first. You fucking… you’re not a philosopher, so why the hell are you taking so much time to think? Honestly, weren’t you wrong too? He contemplated pressuring Aaron, telling him that if he wanted to break up, he should say it directly now instead of hinting at it through a scandal.

Then, by lunchtime, a deep sense of skepticism would hit him: the fact that there was no contact even after the scandal broke was practically a notice of breakup, so why bother contacting him just to fight again? Was there any need to manually shatter his mental state by hearing the words “let’s break up” directly?

And in the evening, he would blame himself, thinking he was wrong for lashing out with harsh words because his pride was hurt, and just before falling asleep, he would take out his old phone—which barely even turned on—and stare at it, waiting for a possible message.

Ju-han had taken the phone to fix it, but because it was so badly damaged, it couldn’t be perfectly repaired. Even so, when he received it back after the Australia tour, the touch screen worked fine even if it turned on and off randomly, but as days passed, it degraded until it eventually became a brick.

Je-rim had carried that broken phone for weeks until it turned completely into a brick, without changing his number or the device. Of course, during that period, his mental state was completely gone. It got to the point where the club, which encouraged SNS activity for promotion, subtly forbade it, telling him to leave SNS entirely to his agent for the time being and not to look at it himself.

They likely thought his mental state had collapsed due to the small number of malicious comments or negative reactions that naturally started appearing once he started SNS. It was a completely wrong guess since Je-rim didn’t even check the comments and didn’t open SNS at all unless Anna called him to work, but he quietly followed the club’s instructions. Since Aaron didn’t use SNS anyway, there was no need to look.

Then, on the day he was sternly scolded by Ju-han, who had finally exploded in anger, the phone stopped turning on as if it were also shouting at him to get a grip. Using that as a catalyst, he bought a new phone, changed his number, and regained his composure.

…Or so he thought.

After finding out that both he and Aaron were on the World Cup call-up list, his heart began to fluctuate again as if he had hit a storm.

‘They say it’s the first World Cup in history to be held in winter. What a strange thing. What happens to the league?’

‘I think they’re all taking a break. …I hope we both get called up.’

‘Why?’

‘Then we can keep seeing each other even during the World Cup. Since Spain and Korea happened to be put in the same group for once.’

‘That’s not good news for our country at all… Anyway, can you really not stand being apart for even a month?’

‘Yeah. Forget a month, I miss you even if I don’t see you for an hour. Aren’t you like that, Je-rim?’

The past conversations, where they giggled about wanting to be called up together, suddenly flashed back, and the reality that the man who said he couldn’t stand not seeing him for an hour hadn’t contacted him for months hit him again. He hadn’t regained his composure; he had simply forced himself to stop thinking because ruminating on it was too painful.

Triggered by a trivial occasion, his thoughts began to spin again, and his stagnant emotions poured out like a bursting dam. The conclusion he reached was simple and foolish: he absolutely could not end it like this.

He wanted to apologize, he wanted to be apologized to, he wanted to hear an explanation, he wanted to hear that it wasn’t over yet, and even if the words “let’s end it” came from Aaron’s mouth… he wanted to hold on. Once he painstakingly discarded the pride and fear he had clung to like a shadow, his honest desires reared their head.

However, a new fear crept in: since they had fought while showing their absolute worst sides, would Aaron actually let himself be held onto? Je-rim, suffering alone, vaguely sought advice from Glenn, who was prying into what had been going on lately. Glenn gave a crisp affirmation.

‘If that’s the case, you absolutely have to hold on, kid.’

‘…Even if a good result doesn’t come?’

‘You don’t know until you try.’

‘That’s… true, but…’

‘If you like him enough to miss him even after a fight, you have to try and grab him regardless of how it turns out. Take me, for example; I broke up with my girlfriend, but I grabbed her back, and now we’re preparing for marriage.’

‘Glenn, you had a girlfriend? You’re getting married? When?’

‘It’s a secret… just keep it between us. I’m marrying Anna next summer.’

‘Anna… that Anna?’

‘Yeah. And you, I heard you yelled at my fiancée and cursed in Korean last time? I heard everything! Here comes another chance to scold you.’

‘No, I wasn’t saying that to Anna…!’

Glenn, wrapping an arm around Je-rim’s neck, ruffled his hair haphazardly and muttered as if talking to himself. His voice was serious as he said that he had also agonized a lot before deciding to hold on, but if he had ended it without even trying, he would have spent sleepless nights regretting it by now.

Since spending sleepless nights in regret was already a current event for Je-rim, it hit him particularly hard. It’s this painful already; if I end it without even trying to hold on… it’ll be even harder.

Realizing anew that he liked Aaron far too much to let the relationship fade away without any attempt, Je-rim decided. He would be the one to hold on first. If they faced each other and had a serious conversation, they would surely be able to move in a positive direction.

‘First, smile.’

He repeated deep breaths to drive away the tension and opened his mouth to relax his facial muscles. He intended to actively utilize the proverb that no one can spit on a smiling face. While it was a slightly cowardly idea, he also aimed to attack Aaron’s weakness, as Aaron was the type to lose himself just by seeing Je-rim smile.

After forcing a smile, he entered the tunnel. The Spanish players had arrived first and were standing in a line. At the very end of the line was Aaron, the youngest of the Spanish National Team, just like Je-rim.

Just seeing Aaron’s back and the surname printed on his uniform made Je-rim’s heart thumping, rendering his deep breaths useless. Rubbing his chest, Je-rim slowly approached Aaron and called his name.

“…Aaron! Long time no see.”

“……”

Turning at the call, Aaron scanned Je-rim with a cold gaze without answering. Quickly sensing that something had gone wrong from the very first step, Je-rim lowered his gaze slightly. Then, his own outstretched right hand entered his field of vision. Aaron, with both hands naturally hanging by his sides, showed no sign of responding to the handshake.

“Uh… um, you’ve been doing well… right? Ah, the game…”

Je-rim babbled foolishly, still holding his hand out. Realizing that both his greeting and handshake had been ignored, his insides burned, making it impossible to speak coherently. Still, he was about to ask for some time after the game.

“…You still smile well. You must have been doing really well.”

“What?”

Surprised by the sarcastic tone, Je-rim raised his lowered gaze. Looking directly into Je-rim’s wide eyes, Aaron continued in the same tone.

“And you’re still the same, reaching out your hand first with such an indifferent face…”

At that moment, the whistle signaling the entrance sounded. Following the players who were moving, Aaron brushed past Je-rim and muttered.

“…I’m sick of your light attitude. You’re annoying.”

He never took Je-rim’s hand. Je-rim remained standing alone in the dark tunnel until the staff urged him forward.

For a team placed in the same group as Spain, one of the favorites to win the World Cup, South Korea had performed quite well. They had reached a point where a draw in this match would secure their advancement to the Round of 16. Furthermore, since Spain had already confirmed their advancement as the group leader regardless of the outcome of this match, predictions suggested they would rotate their squad heavily and take it easy.

Thanks to this, Korea, feeling less pressure, set a tactic emphasizing defense and gave Je-rim—who had been active every time he came on as a substitute—the opportunity for his starting debut. The public entered a festive mood, considering the Round of 16 a foregone conclusion. Thus, Je-rim, who had lived receiving all sorts of praise as a once-in-half-a-century genius and the hope to lead Asian football, had to show a decisive blow in this match.

Knowing this better than anyone, Je-rim also tried his best to concentrate. He constantly whipped himself, telling himself that the only thing he should think about now was the game, and the only thing his eyes should follow was the ball.

But whenever he came to his senses, he was ruminating on the look and words Aaron had given him just before entering, and his gaze followed Aaron instead of the ball. Every time that happened, Je-rim bit the inside of his cheek. By the second half, he could taste blood whenever he swallowed. Even so, he continued to bite the ragged flesh.

Why is he angry? Why did he ignore me? Why is he annoyed?

Is this the end? Really like this? Him and me? So futilely…

It took only about a second for those stray thoughts to surface. Je-rim immediately bit the bleeding flesh again. Or rather, he tried to.

He should have put it into action sooner.

“Ban Je-rim, what are you doing!”

In that split second, the ball flew toward Je-rim. In this moment, Je-rim had to quickly decide who to pass to, or if he wasn’t passing, what path to dribble through, whether to aim for a direct score, or to look for an opportunity and drop back.

But that momentary distraction created a gap, the gap brought hesitation, the hesitation slowed his judgment, and once he realized his judgment was late, his body froze. It was only natural that the ball, which he trapped clumsily with the top of his foot, misfired and rolled in the wrong direction.

And of all places, it rolled toward Aaron.

“Why are you…”

Aaron narrowed his eyes as he watched the ball roll helplessly toward him. As if even the time to be surprised was a luxury, he immediately turned his back and began to sprint. Je-rim, realizing the danger, and the other Korean players chased after him with everything they had to stop him, but it was not enough to catch the young genius hailed as Spain’s super rookie.

The moment Aaron scored his historic first goal in his World Cup Starting Lineup debut, sighs of despair poured from the Korean spectators and the broadcasting crew. And with that goal, the match ended.

Having lost to Spain in the final group stage match, South Korea’s hopes of advancing to the round of 16 were crushed. It took less than three minutes for articles naming Ban Je-rim as the cause of the defeat to sprout up like mushrooms after rain.

In the locker room, as Je-rim sat blankly like a corpse, his Sunbaes repeatedly warned him to go out and absolutely not react to anything the reporters said. They told him to steel his heart and pull himself together. Ironically, no tears came. It was because he knew better than anyone that he didn’t even have the right to cry.

From the moment they left the stadium until they boarded the bus, reporters from all over the country swarmed them, hurling questions. Following his Sunbaes’ advice, Je-rim acted as if he were deaf. He was half out of his mind anyway, lacking the mental capacity to react properly.

However, the moment a foreign reporter mentioned Aaron, he couldn’t help but stop as if possessed.

“Reyes reacted by asking what your mistake had to do with him. Ban, do you also feel no emotion regarding Reyes’ goal?”

“…Aaron said that? That I have nothing to do with him anymore…?”

The question had been asked to mock the fact that among youth teammates, one had scored in his debut while the other had made a mistake, but Je-rim reacted by fixating on something entirely different.

His face, muttering stupidly, was captured and frozen by the cameras. The tears that hadn’t come immediately after the missed shot felt as though they were finally about to fall. Had the captain, who was walking with Je-rim tucked under his arm to protect him from the reporters, not dragged him away by the scruff of his neck, he surely would have remained rooted to the spot. Likely with a truly pathetic expression, looking as if he were about to burst into tears.

The barrage of flashes, blinding enough to make one go blind, continued even after they arrived at Incheon Airport. If only it had been flashes, it might have been fortunate; eggs even flew and shattered. Je-rim couldn’t even wipe away the contents and shells sliding down his cheek, blankly repeating the same words.

“I’m sorry…”

Being hit by eggs actually made him feel a bit more at peace. It was better to be condemned like this. Only then could he clearly feel how foolish he had been, how much of an idiot he had acted like.

This was a thought he could only afford because he hadn’t yet anticipated how shocked his mother would be, watching her son—who wasn’t even an adult yet—apologize while being pelted with eggs on a TV screen.

Even while staying by the side of his mother, who had collapsed from the shock, Je-rim endlessly muttered similar words.

“I’m sorry. Mom, I’m sorry…”

She couldn’t have pushed him to play soccer, grinding away her own life, just to see her son like this. Even if her expectations and sacrifices had felt burdensome, he hadn’t wanted to show her such a pathetic side of himself, not even in the slightest.

Would his heart have been lighter if this had happened because he lacked the talent or capability compared to expectations?

Ju-han and Chang-sik contacted him, telling him absolutely not to look at social media, but Je-rim instead logged into SNS for the first time in a very long while. As he scanned through the comments rife with insults, he unfollowed Aaron in a fit of pique, and seeing that he was immediately unfollowed in return, Je-rim let out a hollow laugh.

SNS.

So you do check it, you son of a bitch… He wanted to kill himself for being so pathetic that he still checked to see if there were any DMs. Closing the DM window where Aaron’s name was nowhere to be found, Je-rim lay face down on the bed where his mother was lying and covered his eyes.

A connection that could be completely severed with a single touch… No, perhaps it had already ended long ago at that beach, or the day Aaron’s scandal broke, or during the past few months they spent without contacting each other, and he was just struggling to hold onto something that was already gone…

This pathetic display was not something to resent Aaron for, nor his mother or Ju-han.

It was entirely his own doing.

The youthful romance, which was so raw it would have tasted astringent if bitten into, ended like that.

* * *

A contract clause stating that if a club pays a specified amount, they can negotiate directly with the player without consulting the current club. In other words, a player can be recruited immediately if the money is paid even if the contract period remains, but recruitment is impossible if the specified amount cannot be paid.