By Zephyria 
At Yeon-jun’s house, where they arrived, they ordered sushi. Leaning against the base of the living room sofa, Eun-ha picked up a piece of sushi from the spread on the table and suddenly chuckled. His eyes were fixed on the TV screen, which was replaying some entertainment program.
Yeon-jun, who was sitting next to him, looking in the same direction, turned to Eun-ha.
“What is it?”
“I was just thinking it’s a little funny that we’re here, eating delivery food at this hour.”
It was late at night. It felt like the day had been long, and it felt like his reason had slipped so much in the middle that he had become dizzy, but when he came to his senses, it was funny to see some figures moving busily on the TV screen. The cheerful voices of someone laughing filled the living room like background music.
In that peaceful atmosphere, Yeon-jun frowned and stretched his eyebrows as if he was sorry, saying, “Ah.”
“I’m really bad at cooking. I have things that are easy to heat up and eat… but I didn’t want to just serve you that.”
“No, that’s not what I meant… It’s just… really… funny. Because I was thinking about how serious I seemed to be a little while ago.”
“…Was I serious?”
It was a nonchalant tone, as if he didn’t remember well. Yeon-jun shrugged, revealing a light smile.
“There was something I was a little puzzled about. Hyung is the one who’s sick, and Hyung is the one who couldn’t stand it and fainted, but it seems like Hyung keeps thinking only about me.”
There was no regret in the calmly continued words. As if the fact that his day’s plan had gone awry or that he had wasted half a day at the hospital was nothing. As if it didn’t matter whether he was okay or not, or whether it was even worth arguing about.
It was one of his indifferent aspects that he had felt from time to time. A gentle kindness that he didn’t particularly care about even if he wasn’t rewarded, a kindness that he performed without even considering the reward.
A good kid. A kid I have no idea why he likes me. A kid who is a little, no, a lot too good for me… Whenever those thoughts flooded in, two feelings crossed paths inside Eun-ha. The desire to take out everything, even the inner self that he himself sometimes found uncomfortable to face, and make him lose all affection, and conversely, the desire to save face as much as possible in front of such a person. The desire not to be a pathetic Hyung who can’t act his age…
“I guess I wanted to look good.”
As soon as he confessed, he felt a gaze turn to him. As if understanding the words he had heard, a bright color of unknown origin momentarily hung in Yeon-jun’s pupils, which had been blinking diligently.
“That sounds like a statement with a lot of room for misunderstanding, Hyung…?”
Eun-ha, who understood the following words just as slowly, let out a helpless laugh.
“It’s exactly a misunderstanding, so don’t look at it that way.”
“Please tell me in detail what you mean.”
Eun-ha, who chuckled a few more times at the urging that was filled with the determination to hear it, turned his gaze to the TV screen. It was surprisingly easy to start.
“…You asked me several times a few days ago if I could sleep well. And I got annoyed at you. Like I was someone who had heard all the unnecessary meddling.”
“……”
“And then, as if to prove it, something like today happened… I think I was a little embarrassed. I made such a rude and boastful statement to you, and then I couldn’t even manage myself and ended up like that. And to top it off, I’m actually someone who doesn’t really consider that a problem… I was ashamed that even that messed-up mindset was all exposed, and I felt sorry, and it was funny, and that kind of feeling.”
“……”
“So, I guess I kind of… wanted to look normal in front of you. Because you’re undeniably a good kid, I want to match the color next to you. I want to look plausible… It’s human nature to want to decorate the words that go back a little nicely if the words that come are only kind. It’s too ugly to be unilaterally mean, isn’t it?”
“……”
“And when did I say I wanted you to run away?”
The desire to show his flaws and the desire to imitate an adult who is not the worst. I don’t know which of those incompatible ambivalences is the right answer. Is that why? The words that he would not have been able to take out normally flowed out more indifferently than expected.
“This too.”
When he pointed to his arm as if it were a trivial extension, his gaze slowly fell to that spot. Yeon-jun didn’t show any particular expression. It was a non-response that was no different from knowing what it meant. His tongue felt bitter.
“I thought you might have seen it, so for a moment, I felt a little… twisted inside. Because it’s not a normal case anyway. …So I think I acted a little crazy earlier. It must have looked strange.”
Suddenly, he felt a sense of déjà vu. Something like the coolness of having spat out his shameful inner thoughts without hesitation sometime in the past. But even when he looked back, there was no scene that was clearly drawn. It was just when his attention was about to deepen there for a moment. Still with his eyes on his arm, Yeon-jun said indifferently.
“Can I ask you something?”
There was no regret in the plain tone either. As if it was okay to answer or refuse.
So, on the contrary, he had no thoughts at all. They had both noticed, and they might even be aware of the fact that they had noticed each other, but it was more bothersome and uncomfortable to pretend not to know and bury it. Maybe that’s why he’s asking on purpose, to get rid of what’s bothering him and make him feel comfortable.
It’s just a guess, but well. If it’s Yeon-jun…
“…It was because of the person I met.”
The person he dated, his lover, he didn’t want to attach such modifiers now. The person he met. It would be enough to define it as just that for him to understand. Eun-ha bit his upper lip as if choosing his words, and then added as if he had belatedly realized.
“I also think that’s something you should have known a long time ago.”
Because you like me. Exactly what kind of crazy things I committed with my heart for someone like that. That I’m such an incomplete human being.
Suddenly, one thing became curious. Even with this much flaw, he still doesn’t feel like running away. He waited for an answer to his doubt, but Yeon-jun didn’t add anything. No comfort, no short response, no feelings.
His expression was also indifferent. However, only a slightly surprised look that seemed unexpected reached him. And even that soon scattered faintly.
In the silence where only the boisterous TV sound floated, he said neatly.
From the fact that Hyung has been concerned about getting annoyed for a moment that day, I don’t think Hyung can ever be an ugly person.”
While he was taking some time to understand what the premise was, the feeling that he had never even recognized that as annoyance in the first place followed.
Is it a habit to prettily package and present unexpected parts like strengths? Eun-ha, who had been stiff for a while like someone who had been caught off guard, let out air in vain.
“…Aren’t you looking at me too favorably?”
“Because I like you, of course I always look at you favorably.”
It was a cheesy remark that sounded shameless. When Eun-ha, who was conscious of that, rolled his eyes and looked at him carefully, Yeon-jun, who lifted his eyelids with a beat or two late, let out a small dry cough. He awkwardly avoided his gaze and caressed his neck as if massaging it. He seemed to be aware of what he had said without thinking and was hesitating.