By Zephyria 
Ruben had said multiple times that there was no need to be nervous, but it didn’t resonate with me at all.
How could I not be nervous? The last time I met the Empress Dowager, the memory still sent shivers down my spine. Even though I had heard multiple times that she was a kind person, her chilling way of speaking remained vivid in my mind.
And what about the item she entrusted me with? The scarf Melatia had personally embroidered was carefully folded in a corner of my dressing room, too precious to discard. Even though I knew the Empress Dowager had no way of knowing my dressing room’s situation, my conscience pricked me, leaving me uneasy.
Following Ruben’s advice, I prepared chocolate and a bouquet as a visiting gift for my mother-in-law. I also asked Ruben to help me dress as neatly as possible. Despite this, something still felt lacking, so I picked up and put down a handkerchief, then a fan, then a sword.
The distance from the Crystal Palace to the Sapphire Palace was about an hour and a half on foot for an ordinary person, and just over ten minutes if I ran. Yet, I took a carriage.
Even within the palace, one couldn’t exceed a certain speed, meaning the carriage ride would take about forty minutes. I was genuinely curious about the necessity of traveling by carriage. Was it to give the person I was meeting time to prepare, even though I had scheduled my visit in advance?
Wouldn’t everyone become too frail if they all traveled by carriage instead of walking or running?
Once I became the King Consort, I should ask them if they wouldn’t mind riding carriages less and walking more. I tried to push my worries aside with such trivial thoughts.
Ruben, who had been sitting beside me, suddenly took my hand.
“Are you feeling a little better now? …Your hands are still cold.”
“…Is there any reason I shouldn’t be?”
“You can’t wear your longsword, but a dagger would be fine, wouldn’t it?”
“No, no. I’m not skilled enough to rely on weapons right now… I’m not anxious because I don’t have a weapon.”
“Then what’s worrying you so much?”
“…Compared to Ruben… I lack charm. I don’t know how to be amiable to others.”
Ruben merely smiled faintly and didn’t reply. I traced the lines of his fingers, slowly unraveling the worries hidden in my heart.
“I’m worried I have too many shortcomings, and won’t meet my mother-in-law’s expectations.”
“…Shortcomings?”
“Yes. Well, lately I’ve been thinking…”
After a brief hesitation, I intertwined my fingers with Ruben’s. My hand was about half a finger joint longer than his. When our fingers were intertwined like this, Ruben’s fingers would spread apart, revealing the prominent bones on the back of his hand, which I found quite beautiful.
Gently stroking over them with my thumb, I continued,
“My parents, I think they accepted Ruben more easily… because they thought of him as a daughter-in-law…”
“…Hm?”
“I think I chose my words poorly. Perhaps I should have asked for the position of Empress instead of saying I wanted to be King Consort. Either way, I could marry Ruben, so it doesn’t make much difference to me, but why did I have to say it like that…”
“…”
“I wasn’t trying to make you laugh.”
“No, but Mika…”
The child, biting his lip to suppress a laugh, looked at me intently, stroking the back of my hand with his own. I couldn’t afford to look disheveled right before meeting my mother-in-law, so even though I would normally have kissed him immediately, I just watched him.
Ruben whispered in a purring voice, like a contented beast,
“You’re right. It won’t matter much to Mother, Mika. It’s okay.”
Indeed, whether King Consort or Empress, the fact that I was a man didn’t change.
While same-sex marriage wasn’t unfamiliar to people my age, seeing how surprised the older generation was made me anxious again. If I had to be a man, wouldn’t it have been better if I looked more rugged?
I let out a sigh and continued,
“Another thing I’m worried about.”
“Yes. What else?”
“Is my appearance perhaps too flashy…”
“…Hm? Why is that?”
“Surely, as a potential son-in-law, the best candidate is someone steady, diligent, and who won’t cause his wife any trouble. But with my hair color and my looks, I might seem like someone who lures people away…”
“…That’s what I’m more worried about.”
“Yes?”
“No, no. Your mother knows you’re not an easy person.”
“…Really?”
“Yes. It’s truly, genuinely okay.”
“And also…”
“Yes, what else?”
Ruben took my fingertips and began to playfully nibble at my finger joints. I watched him for a long time, enjoying the smile that spread across his usually composed face. Ruben gestured with his lips, urging me to continue.
“…If I’m even a little bit troubled or awkward, I tend to look at Ruben.”
“Yes, and why is that?”
“It’s not polite to only look at Ruben on the first meeting with my mother-in-law. And I can’t hold hands the entire time…”
“Ahaha! Ah, what are you saying? If you hold my hand? Then you’ll feel a bit better?”
“…”
I found myself amusing.
My ears grew hot, and I averted Ruben’s gaze. His leaning in to examine my face felt both irritating and endearing, endearing and then irritating. If my anxiety brought him joy, I felt I could endure it a hundred times over, but still, my mouth grew dry with impatience.
I felt strange, foolish, and ashamed of myself, so eager to impress Ruben’s family because I loved him so much. I didn’t know what courage I had to blurt out that I wanted to marry Ruben.
Ruben, who was gleefully watching my flushed cheeks, pulled my hand and left a deep bite mark on my palm.
“Don’t worry, Mika. I’ll keep holding your hand. Okay?”
“…”
“Really. I won’t let go, no matter what Mother says.”
“…”
“Promise me. Okay?”
“…If my mother-in-law says something, it’s probably better to let go.”
“I don’t want to.”
He repeatedly nibbled the inside of my palm before deeply kissing the inside of my wrist, leaving a mark. The bite marks on my wrist and palm were not visible unless I flipped my hand over. I let him do as he pleased, and he whispered again in a wet voice,
“And actually, I wish my mother didn’t like you very much.”
“…What? Why is that?”
“Just because. Isn’t it enough that I’m the only one in this world who likes you?”
“…”
“I’m joking.”
What a ridiculous joke.
Still, thanks to playing with Ruben’s hands for a long time and indulging in unnecessary petulance, my tension had significantly eased. When the carriage stopped and I was about to get out, Ruben quickly stepped out ahead of me and offered me his hand.
To escort me.
I laughed in disbelief and took his hand.
Had my hand not warmed up yet? Ruben’s hand felt incredibly warm, and my reliance on him bloomed like new shoots in the spring sun. Holding onto this child, I felt I could accomplish anything in the world.
❖ ❖ ❖
My mother-in-law’s expression was more lukewarm than I had anticipated.
I entered the room first and waited for about ten minutes before properly greeting the Empress Dowager when she entered the inner chamber. When she offered me a seat and poured tea, she pretended to use her left hand, so I quickly pushed the tea set closer to accommodate a left-handed person, showing my respect.
Poplar Kiadris had indeed been an excellent tutor. Every predicted question she had given me was asked by the Empress Dowager.
She asked about my thoughts on the current distance between divine and imperial authority, what I believed to be the foremost principle for leading the Imperial Palace, and when work and family life coexist, which should be prioritized.
As I had practiced, I answered that the appropriate distance between divine and imperial authority would help stabilize the hearts of the Empire’s citizens, that when governing a large number of people, a consistent and detached attitude was important, and that when work and family life coexist, one should first listen to their spouse’s opinion and follow it.
Despite having done nothing wrong, the Empress Dowager’s expression grew increasingly strange and somber.
Her gaze, which had been observing my expression, calmly lowered.
Ah.
“…You already have such a good relationship.”
“Yes. I find it commendable that my person gives answers that are so pleasing.”
“…”
“…”
I was startled, wondering if she had noticed the mark Ruben had left, but thankfully, that wasn’t the case.
Every time I answered a question well, Ruben would hold my hand under the table. His occasional pats on the back of my hand or his fingers squeezing and fiddling with mine were a great comfort, so I allowed it.
However, I never imagined that this alone would make my mother-in-law’s expression so lukewarm.
Awkwardly, I pulled my hand away from Ruben’s and acted politely. The child then tapped the back of my hand with his fingertips, urging me to take his hand again.
Trying to pass it off as a cute gesture. Knowing well that I couldn’t resist acting like this.
Glancing at my mother-in-law, I placed my hand back into Ruben’s grasp. As Ruben pressed and rubbed the tips of my fingernails, playing with my hand, I noticed some of the Maidservants standing behind my mother-in-law biting their lower lips, trying to suppress laughter.
As I tried to suppress my embarrassment, Ruben, who had been sitting with a cool expression, suddenly spoke.
“Are you only going to serve tea? We came specifically to coincide with lunchtime.”
“…A banquet has been prepared. Let us move to another location.”
“Yes, Your Majesty.”
The Empress Dowager rose first. I should have followed immediately, but for some reason, my legs felt weak. Ruben, who had taken my hand to help me up, smiled broadly and kissed the back of my hand.
The gazes of the Empress Dowager’s attending Maidservants fell upon my cheeks and back.
“It’s okay, Mika. You did more than enough.”
“…Yes.”
No matter how embarrassed I felt, what else could I do? Ruben was the only lifeline I had right now.
I stood up, following his lead, and walked beside him. Ruben’s delighted chuckles kept tickling my ears.