By Zephyria 
Like swallowing dandelion seeds, every breath I exhaled felt ticklish, and I couldn’t relax even in the same space, constantly worried about Ruben. The time this uncertain distance began was clear.
It was embarrassing to even bring up such a story, but I tried to comfort myself, thinking Hugh Benson was the type of guy who was open with his expressions, so it would be okay.
I carefully spoke in a small voice.
“Somehow… I kissed the child.”
“…You call the Second Prince a child?”
“…”
Ah.
“No, you said you weren’t dating. When did you rub lips again…”
Even with five mouths, I would have nothing to say, but with only one, it was even harder to continue.
Embarrassed, I lowered my gaze and remained silent for a long time. The guy sighed heavily, running his hands through his hair and messing it up. Ahem, ahem. I cleared my throat a couple of times, but the embarrassment didn’t fade.
“No, it’s not that. Keep talking.”
“After that, Ruben seems to be keeping his distance from me, and I’m worried.”
He gestured with his chin, urging me to continue, and I finally managed to voice my worries.
Yes, no matter how many times I thought about it, that day… I thought it was wrong to act as if nothing had happened afterward, not knowing how to behave. If it wasn’t for that incident, why would the child suddenly become sulky?
Hugh Benson, like a deep-thinking counselor, fell into thought for a long time.
I remembered a day when I sat like this with Douglas Mustang. Douglas had a wide smile on his face then, but this guy was just scowling.
With a face as crumpled as a beggar’s rag, he opened his mouth again.
“Distance… he kept? That’s keeping distance?”
“…Today, when he went out with his friends.”
“When he went out?”
“He didn’t go out with me.”
“You crazy…”
If a dragonfly had landed on his brow, its legs would have been stuck there. It wasn’t the first time he’d gotten angry, but it was the first time he’d been so irritated, and I was startled. I quietly observed his expression, and Hugh scratched his head vigorously and lifted it.
“That, uh, the red, yellow, and blue guys from earlier?”
“…Yes?”
“I mean hair color. Those three musketeers from earlier.”
“Ah, yes. That’s right. When he went out with them…”
“No, he said they were old friends he hadn’t seen in a while? If you went straight to the Yuil Mountains after graduating from the Academy, it’s natural to be happy and hang out amongst yourselves. And you’re bringing that up?”
“But that never happened before. Until now, never…”
That was true.
Ruben had always wanted to be with me. It didn’t matter who was by my side, or who was by his side; it was always the same.
When I first entered the Academy, how cute it was to see him sticking to me like a duckling. When Ruben graduated, how empty and regretful his absence felt, I still vividly remembered not being able to sleep properly every day.
It was the same with Mac Weaber and Justin Barret, whom Hugh Benson called Red and Yellow. I had encountered them a few times in advanced Swordsmanship classes. But I had no idea Ruben was this close to them.
No matter what Ruben was talking about with them, as soon as he saw me, he would immediately come to my side.
The child had never even introduced them to me separately. Of course, even if I had been introduced to them as Ruben’s friends earlier, I knew I wouldn’t have felt closer to them than I do now. They were upperclassmen I wouldn’t run into outside of class.
But still.
…If I had been a little closer to them, Ruben wouldn’t have left me behind today.
Hugh Benson poured tea water into his teacup as if pouring liquor. I knew that shaking the teapot like that produced much more bitter tea, but I didn’t stop him.
How bitter could tea be? My heart ached, making my mouth even more bitter.
After gulping down the tea water, Hugh Benson declared, “That’s obsession.”
“…Yes?”
“I get that you and His Highness are a set. I get it… but there’s a limit. Are you going to follow him to the bathroom too?”
“…”
“So, what’s bothering you now? Are you curious about what the others talk about without you?”
“…”
I was curious.
I had heard many times how pathetic and cute Ruben acted in front of me. What kind of dignity did he display in front of others? How lovely would that look? No matter how much I pondered it, I couldn’t know. How could I not be curious?
“Or, maybe, is there someone among them who’s worth being jealous of? On the female side? The male side?”
“…”
Both, no, all three were concerning.
Justin Barret had light hair. It was shining blonde. Didn’t they say in the Sierran Empire that the lighter the hair color, the more beautiful the person? He was good at being flirtatious and acted friendly without reservation. It wasn’t just to me; I learned today that he acted the same way towards Ruben.
Mac Weaber was a handsome woman. With a bold and straightforward personality, she was also skilled in martial arts. Her bright red, flowing hair matched her fierce, beast-like smile. With such strength and beauty, she would have easily made it into the Five Dragons and Three Peaks if she were in the Central Plains.
And what about Kelly Hawkins? Like Walter Orgen in his prime, she had her well-groomed hair neatly braided and pinned to the back of her head, suggesting a neat disposition. Above all, she was small in stature, barely reaching Ruben’s chest. Seeing her speak casually to Ruben and laugh cheerfully, she seemed to be quite close.
It felt like a lifetime ago when I only worried about men standing next to Ruben. Seeing a woman stand beside him like that… it suited him so well.
Yes, it would be better for him if he became Emperor that way. Thinking that, my insides felt like they were being squeezed tight.
Would it have been okay if our bond hadn’t deepened so much?
Ruben had said he wanted to pretend to be my lover because he was wary of people around me. I had also harbored such a desire.
Still, I had some conscience, so it was a great relief that I didn’t make a scene claiming Ruben as mine in front of them. It would be the same even if I went back in time several times. That would be the right thing to do. But…
Even though I knew it clearly, I couldn’t hide my aching heart.
As I couldn’t reply, Hugh Benson tried to comfort me.
“There must have been times you wanted to hang out only with your friends, without the Second Prince, right?”
No, that wasn’t true.
I always liked it when Ruben was by my side when I was with my friends. I never hesitated to keep Ruben by my side on New Year’s Festival or Hunting Festival. I had no reservations about gathering my close friends and Ruben in one place.
No matter how many times I thought about it, it was the same. I shook my head slowly.
“…No.”
“…Damn it,”
Hugh Benson, about to say something, suddenly stood up and rummaged through his bag, pulling out a gold bar. I had bought it for him before.
Why this all of a sudden?
I watched in confusion as Hugh Benson placed the gold bar on his lap, stroking it like a puppy and panting. His appearance was so strange that my sorrow subsided.
I just blinked and stared for a long time. Then, gripping the gold bar tightly with both hands, he nodded his head.
“There. I’ve calmed down.”
“…Yes?”
“No, thinking about it, you’re the one who made the first move without dating. Right?”
“Yes, that’s right…”
That was true. The child was so lovely that I followed him as if mesmerized, but there must have been a better… way. I was too hasty. As I nodded in agreement, Hugh put on a very affectionate voice again.
“What’s the difference between dating today and dating tomorrow? Just start dating and tell him he’s mine, so he shouldn’t get involved with others.”
“No, but.”
“What’s the problem, really? If you’re worried because His Highness is of marriageable age, you should get the seal first.”
The idea that Ruben was too young would sound like a ridiculous joke to others. In just one month, Ruben would turn twenty. Twenty years old. …No matter how many times I thought about it, I was the thief, the madman.
Swallowing a groan, I covered my face with both hands. There was another problem.
“What is it like… to become lovers?”
“…Huh?”
“I don’t really know how things change before and after.”
“Ah… Well, you two are already acting like a couple anyway…”
“Yes?”
Hugh Benson, with a benevolent expression, said casually,
“Aren’t you taking dating too seriously? Honestly, are you going to marry him?”
“…”
“…You’re thinking about marriage. Yes, that’s possible.”
I stared blankly as Hugh Benson slumped back onto the sofa.
Was I seeing Ruben as a marriage prospect?
…Yes, I had thought about that… It started around the time Ivan confessed that his partner was a man. From then on, I often compared myself as a potential partner for Ruben.
…But, would that be possible?
When I first confided in him, I intended to remain a lifelong celibate and stay by the child’s side. I was confident then. If Ruben became Emperor and I became his knight, I thought I could be a shadow guard.
From behind the ceiling, from behind the screen, or standing by the child’s side.
Walking together during the day and guarding the door to his bedroom at night.
I intended to stay by the child’s side like that.
I wanted to watch Ruben get married and have children. Ruben’s children would also be lovely and cute, resembling him. So, I believed I could endure it even if Ruben met someone else. If Ruben was happy, I would want for nothing more.
But today, I see that’s not the case.
Ruben was only away from me for a moment, and it felt like my flesh was being torn apart. It’s natural for the child to like playing with his friends. My current state of distress over such a trivial matter is laughable.
I wasn’t protecting the child. I just wanted to watch over him…
I acted that way because I wanted to serve Ruben most closely. While being so greedy, I repeatedly deceived myself, telling myself it wasn’t for my own sake but for the child’s. I didn’t realize my resolve would crumble so easily after just one kiss…
The bitter taste of tea water tormented my tongue.
“…Men cannot… get married, can they?”
“That’s…”
“So I don’t know. If it’s okay for me to be like this.”
I couldn’t steal my younger sister’s identity just for my own pleasure.
Unable to bear the stinging in my heart, I asked again what I already knew, and heard the answer I already knew once more. I didn’t usually have a habit of picking at my wounds. But strangely, when it came to Ruben, I kept wanting to delve into it.
Does asking multiple times change the answer? It’s just out of regret.
Instead of answering, Hugh Benson began stroking the gold bar again.
It was still a strange sight, but my heart was so troubled that I no longer had the leisure to pay attention to such trivial matters. When I sighed, Hugh Benson also sighed. Hearing his sigh made my heart feel even more constricted, so I let out another deep sigh.