By Zephyria 
It was a story I had decided to address someday. Now that I would be living with many people in a place without walls, I brought it up before I forgot. After a long wait, Ruben finally met my eyes. But even as he looked into my eyes, he kept looking anxious.
Noticing the child’s palm getting damp, I put on a smiling face. No, I wasn’t doing this to tell my scary story.
“Didn’t you do that in front of my parents and Blood Kin as well?”
“…”
“Before you even told me, you went around telling others. Is it because I am untrustworthy?”
“No, no. Mika, it’s not like that.”
I had let Rubel’s actions slide until now.
I had denied them out of embarrassment, but I had never scolded him to stop. It was because my heart was entirely his. I didn’t need him to do that; I already belonged to Ruben.
However, wanting to be treated as my lover by those around him was another matter. It was fine for me to belong to Ruben, but it was too soon for Ruben to belong to me. I didn’t want to leave even the slightest bit of disturbance in this child’s future.
What good would come of spreading rumors like that?
Seeing the child hesitate, unable to speak at the right moment as if surprised and trying to make excuses, I decided to listen quietly and closed my mouth. Our gazes still met, and the way the child’s dark pupils trembled was endearing.
What was it about locking eyes that made me so restless? I felt like I could do this all day.
Ruben stopped what he was about to say, chose his words again, hesitated for a long time, and then opened his mouth.
“…You are kind to everyone. I was worried that the people who received that kindness might misunderstand.”
“Misunderstand what?”
“…I.”
Rubel bit his lower lip tightly again. “Don’t do that,” I said, gently brushing his lower lip with my thumb to stop him from biting it. The child took a deep breath and looked straight at me. It was almost a glare.
“I know. Before you even had your Debutante, I took away all your opportunities… Things that couldn’t be excused by saying I liked you. But, …but I don’t regret it.”
“…Mm.”
“When I see someone else standing next to you, when someone else looks at you the way I do, and you smile kindly and comfort them, and stand beside them, Mika.”
The child gasped. He let it out as if sobbing.
“I feel like I’m going to die. That’s why I did it.”
I watched him breathe in and out rapidly, like a fish out of water.
The sorrow he had held back was so profound that the intensity of it in his voice was deep and thick. The sticky voice felt as if it had tangled around my fingertips. The child’s hands trembled.
Even with my calm gaze, he couldn’t easily calm down and tightly gripped my hand.
“Of course, I believe your promise that you won’t leave me. You never break a promise once you’ve made it. But even if you don’t leave me, you could still fall for someone else. You are cute… You like people, and you like children more, and you like quiet, gentle people who don’t throw tantrums…”
“That’s…”
“Liking each other isn’t enough. I want to be your lover, Mika. I want you to give me that place. My liking you, and your liking me…”
The child, who had been pouring out his feelings, shut his eyes tightly. He couldn’t finish his sentence.
But it was all wrong. It was I who took away his opportunities. He had always been an opportunity for me.
If it weren’t for Ruben, how would I have known that such a heart-wrenching, overwhelming joy called love existed in this world? I was someone who would have lived her entire life without knowing that such emotions existed—emotions that made me feel like I was flying to the heavens a dozen times a day, only to be plunged into the mud, feeling numb.
It was an affection I would never have known even if I had lived for hundreds or thousands more years.
For me, this love was an emotion that this child had packed up and brought with him from the very beginning. It was not something that could be easily shaken. It wouldn’t transfer to someone else, nor could it be cultivated for another. I knew that best of all.
I wanted to rip out my heart and show it to him. I thought that if he saw its throbbing, he would understand my feelings. It was both fortunate and sad that he couldn’t notice this wretched heart of mine, which trembled with joy at his anxious confession and made me laugh.
After a long silence, I finally replied.
“…Yes.”
“…”
“…”
“…Is that all?”
“Yes. If that is how you felt, you may continue.”
“…Huh?”
The starlight reflected in the child’s dark eyes was so brilliant and beautiful. I carefully reached out and held his hand tightly. My voice, without any pretense, was filled with affection. It was no longer a novelty for my heart to tremble at how precious and lovely he was. I gently massaged his hand to prevent it from going numb and continued speaking.
“It’s not just Ruben.”
It wasn’t a remark made to comfort the child.
It was simply that I thought Ruben needed to know. I had postponed dealing with my own feelings because they were clumsy and awkward, making it difficult to find the right answer even after much thought. I had decided that I must unravel them now, in this deep darkness.
“When I think about Ruben having others by his side, my insides burn black, and my eyes feel like they’re on fire. I lived my whole life without knowing I was capable of such jealousy, but thanks to Ruben, I’ve learned so much.”
“…That kind of,”
“But I know how frightening and painful it is, so I don’t want Ruben to feel that way. I held back because I was worried he might harm his future. However, if it’s because you’re anxious and impatient, you can do as you please.”
“…”
“If you really want to, don’t worry about my reaction. That’s what I wanted to tell you.”
The child gasped in surprise, taking a sharp breath. He blinked a couple of times.
Soon, a gentle smile settled on his eyes, and a blush rose on his white cheeks. It was so sweet that I couldn’t tear my gaze away. The child’s voice, thick and rich as if coated in honey, seeped into me.
“…Then now…”
“Mm.”
“No, why! ⋯Why not…?”
The child started to get angry but stopped, pulling his eyebrows down in a sulky expression. It was amusing and endearing, so I raised my hand and gently stroked the corners of his eyebrows.
Did he think this would make me swoon again? He was incredibly skilled at tormenting a man’s heart. I couldn’t tell if he was doing it intentionally or not.
“If something happens, I will protect Ruben with my life. So it’s best we talk about this again after we descend the mountain.”
“…Why, why is that…?”
“I can’t make a perfectly good man a widower.”
“…”
The child’s mouth fell open. I now knew that looking into his mouth was no different from examining his inner flesh. Embarrassed to look at the tip of his red tongue, I gently lifted his chin to close his mouth. He looked at me, hesitated for a moment, then took my hand tightly and asked again.
“…Am I the one who becomes the widow?”
“I intend to try my best to prevent that from happening.”
“…Ah.”
After that, speaking further felt too shy and embarrassing, so I took the lead, suggesting we walk more.
Ruben quickly caught up, grabbed my forearm, and then found my hand again, holding it tightly. The child’s body temperature was higher than usual, and the emotion transferred from his hand was warm. I let him grip it as he pleased. Still, I felt relieved, having said what I needed to say.
When the child asked again if he was the one who would be the widow, I asked if the word had offended him, and he said no. Instead, he said he would try harder, so I agreed.
❖ ❖ ❖
We couldn’t take the horses north of the Duke Widrow Family’s territory.
Walking was familiar. For various reasons, all three children, who were well-versed in Footwork and Light Footwork, kept up well. Elvin said nothing, but Hugh Benson seemed satisfied, remarking that I wouldn’t be a burden.
The western region, bordering Owen and Withrow, was assigned to the 1st Platoon. The eastern region, touching the ridges of the Yuil Mountains and the corner of Dunmel Canyon, was assigned to the 3rd Platoon. And our 2nd Platoon was tasked with clearing the area between them, near Dunmel Canyon, reaching the northern gate of the Duke Widrow Family.
Among these, our 2nd Platoon, 3rd Squad, was assigned a relatively low-altitude zone. According to the briefing, it was because new recruits were mixed into our squad.
As Hugh Benson had anticipated, he was a hunter specializing in stealth and sniping.
He would set traps here and there, or use his light body to leap onto a dry, slender tree to scout. He fought by hiding in the shadows, waiting for the opportune moment, and then swiftly climbing onto a monster’s back to end its life.
Thanks to him, we were able to completely tie down a horde of Goblins, severing their necks, and we burned entire villages without even seeing an Orc.
Hugh and Elvin knew well how combat with monsters unfolded and how to fight more safely and overwhelmingly, and they taught us diligently.
Everything proceeded smoothly.
Hugh Benson, while rummaging through the remnants of a Goblin village turned to ash, taught us how to collect small change.
“Orcs have some intelligence, so they sometimes pick up Mana Stones and hoard them. To skin them, the volume is large and difficult to manage, so we don’t do it at the beginning of the expedition. We only collect the hides right before descending. You have to layer them with the outer surfaces facing each other and the inner surfaces facing each other, or they’ll rot.”
“Mm.”
“What the hell. You mean I don’t need to collect them like that? That’s why rich people…”
“No! I need it! Thank you! But can I engrave Lightweight Magic on Orc hides?”
“Then the price will drop significantly. It’s not impossible, though.”
Marianne, who had quickly taken the Mana Stones Hugh Benson offered, laughed gleefully. The Mana Stones she had collected like this already numbered eight. He was handing them out like candy to a neighborhood kid. It was quite amusing and cute to watch.
During the day, we roamed in search of monsters, and at night, we took turns sleeping by a small campfire. The four of us also stood watch, but one of the two seniors was always awake with us.
Out of a total of eight hours of sleep, the other children slept for a full six hours and stood watch for two, while the two seniors slept for four hours and stood watch for four. It was almost as if those two took turns on watch, and the other children spent time by their side.
One late night, while Elvin and I were awake, I asked him, curious about the reason.
“Aren’t the seniors overexerting themselves? You only sleep for four hours.”
“It’s fine.”
“But.”
“…Mm.”
Since he didn’t seem to want to say more, I stopped appropriately.