By Zephyria 
It was as if I had been doused with cold water, snapping me awake.
Rubel was only eighteen years old. Just because his body was fully grown didn’t mean his mind was. This was something that shouldn’t even happen in a dream. Even if he was of age to marry, he was still much younger than me.
I thought I had been suppressing the rising heat in my heart, but it was as if I was back to square one.
Flustered, I couldn’t say a word and pulled away. Because I couldn’t fully control my startled heart, our bodies, which had been touching, swayed greatly, even though I hadn’t tried to push him away. Did it seem like I was rejecting him? I bit my lip, resisting the urge to scold myself.
I knew Rubel’s gaze was lingering around my cheek, but I couldn’t bring myself to meet his eyes.
“…Are you hurt anywhere?”
“…Huh? Oh, yeah…. I’m okay. I’m not hurt, Mika. You caught me.”
I couldn’t leave him sitting on the bare ground, so I grabbed his wrist and helped him up. However, even though I knew he was watching me carefully, my stiff expression didn’t easily soften. No, I couldn’t do this to him again. I cleared my throat a few times to calm myself.
I knew Rubel was cautiously tugging at my sleeve. It was too difficult to make eye contact or even smile. My throat felt blocked, as if I had swallowed a hot stone.
“…Mika?”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…. Are you angry?”
“No, I’m not.”
Knowing that he was frightened, I ran a hand over my face to try and control my expression. I worried about how my forced smile would look.
If I just lifted my head, I could look into his dark eyes, but my heart was pounding and my earlobes were hot, so I couldn’t face him.
“It’s not that….”
“….”
I opened my mouth to soothe him, but I didn’t know how to explain, so I closed it again.
Silently gesturing to help him adjust his posture, Rubel hesitantly placed his feet firmly on the ground again. I was careful not to touch his shoulders and waist as I spoke again.
“Just now, you tried to take two steps forward with your left foot at once, causing you to lose your balance. It would be better to lift your chin, look straight ahead, and put more weight on your stepping foot.”
I knew my voice was hoarse.
“….”
He didn’t answer but followed my instructions. Only then did his gaze, which had been fixed on my cheek, fall away. I swallowed a sigh and lifted my head. The sight of Rubel’s eyes, wet with tears, was etched into my vision.
My heart sank.
“…Ruben?”
“….”
“No, why….”
Rubel’s gaze was still fixed on the air. The way he was biting his lower lip showed that he was trying to hold back his tears. I was so focused on my own embarrassment that I hadn’t considered his feelings until now.
I felt sorry for acting so immaturely, and I was tormented by the fact that I kept hurting him.
Unable to continue, I noticed his distress, and he finally covered his face with the hand that wasn’t holding his sword and lowered his head. I couldn’t even guess what he was thinking as he tried to avoid my gaze, unable to run away from the spot.
When I grabbed Rubel’s wrist and pulled him towards me, he resisted for a moment before collapsing into my arms.
It was difficult and hard to even move a fingertip. I carefully raised my hand and gently stroked his broad back. Rubel buried his face in my shoulder and wrapped his arms around my waist.
Without a sob, my shoulder became damp.
I was anxious, uneasy, and sorry, but at the same time, I felt a sense of satisfaction, which made me feel even worse.
I waited, gently patting his back, until his crying subsided. The boy in my arms felt so young and fragile that I was restless. What if he burst like a bubble?
I knew he was the type to say he was okay even when he wasn’t, so I was even more careful.
“…Ruben.”
He didn’t answer right away, so I called him again.
“Ruben.”
“…Yes.”
“…I’m sorry for startling you. I didn’t mean to.”
Rubel still didn’t lift his head. His small, mumbled voice rang right in my ear.
“…What do you mean, you didn’t mean to…?”
“What do I mean? Well, I startled you suddenly….”
“Mika…. You said you liked me…. Right?”
The hand around my waist tightened.
The weak grip squeezed the inside of my chest. Something was stuck in my solar plexus, making it hard to breathe properly. I swallowed a few times to calm down and carefully replied in a voice that didn’t crack.
“Yes.”
“That’s….”
Rubel didn’t continue. Or rather, he couldn’t.
But I knew without hearing it.
Thanks to Ivan Holmes’s education and help, he knew that same-sex relationships were possible. Thanks to Shayden Rose’s concern and consideration, he also learned that there were times when the body and mind didn’t align. I heard the question that Rubel couldn’t bring himself to ask with our hearts touching.
He was afraid that the feelings I had for him were romantic love.
But I couldn’t answer right away. How could I, wearing this mask, explain this to this young boy? I had the urge to turn my heart inside out and show it to him. Just like he always did with me, I didn’t want to hide anything from him.
But then again, I was afraid that he would be harmed because of my entanglement with the strange.
Unable to answer right away, I stood there hugging him for a long time, patting his back. Still, I was relieved that his cold fingertips had warmed up. After about fifteen minutes, his crying subsided.
I tried to create a gap to check his face, but he shook his head and buried his nose in my shoulder again. I carefully took out the handkerchief from inside my clothes. Rubel didn’t push me away any further and obediently lifted his head. I carefully wiped away the tears that had soaked his beautiful cheeks.
Only then could I make eye contact. This time, neither of us avoided each other’s gaze.
I held back a sigh. I was afraid that if I showed any displeasure here, the already fragile boy would be hurt again, so I became careful even about taking a breath.
I did my best to force out a gentle voice, suppressing my pounding heart.
“…I mentioned before that I am a bit…. conservative.”
“….”
“Rubel is precious to me, so I want to treat him with even more care. I didn’t want to touch you in such a…. rude way today, so I acted coldly. I’m sorry for startling you.”
“….”
Instead of answering, Rubel calmly blinked. A single tear fell from his wet eyes and ran down his cheek. Looking at him made my heart ache, so I carefully dabbed his eyes with the handkerchief again.
He was looking at my face with a thoughtful expression, so I wanted to give him some more time to think. I waited for about five breaths before speaking again.
“I hope you can wait a little longer until I become someone who is worthy of Rubel.”
“…Until when?”
His voice was hoarse, but he answered right away, which made me want to cough to hide my amusement.
Well, when would be good? The thought was brief. I answered immediately.
“Until I become a Grand Sword Master.”
“…Huh?”
His damp eyes widened. I was satisfied with my answer.
I was now picking up on enlightenment one by one, but reaching the level of Hwagyeong wasn’t something that could be achieved in a year or two. If he gave his heart to someone else before then, it would sting, but if he still wanted me after that much time had passed and he had matured….
…Then there would be no more hesitation.
His sorrowful face was instantly replaced with embarrassment. I was glad that he had stopped crying. I smiled without pretense and took the handkerchief, which was soaked with his tears. Rubel asked in a strained voice.
“…That, no, Mika. Are you serious… Are you serious?”
“Yes.”
“No…. What.”
“I…. I intend to train even harder with that in mind. If the path to reaching that level seems too long, Rubel, you don’t have to wait. I hope you will do as your heart desires. I have resolved to protect Rubel no matter where his heart goes.”
He blinked his wide eyes three or four times, then looked up at the sky once and down at the ground once. He took a deep breath. He swept his hair back with one hand and opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it again.
He seemed to be deep in thought, so I didn’t interrupt and just stood there, looking at his precious face.
Rubel thought for a while longer and then looked directly at me. I was relieved. I had been worried that my clumsy attitude would lead to unnecessary misunderstandings, but I was relieved that he seemed to have heard my words.
I gave a sheepish smile as our eyes met. It was as if I was saying with my own mouth that I would do something outrageous when he came of age. The way he was pondering over it, carefully calculating the days, only made him look like he was jumping into a fire with firewood on his back.
But how could I refuse when he asked me to hug him again?
I willingly embraced him. As I gently patted his back to soothe him again, Rubel let out a groan. The warm breath on my ear tickled my spine, but I couldn’t push him away at that moment, so I held back.
Rubel mumbled in a small voice.
“…Sometimes I…. You’re too difficult, Mika.”
“I’m sorry.”
“…I didn’t want an apology…. I just…. Okay, I’ll wait.”
After fidgeting in my arms for a while, Rubel hugged me tightly and then let go.
Then he asked me to properly teach him the footwork again. For some reason, his expression was very serious, which worried me, but I couldn’t ask him why because of the sin I had committed.
Ruben declared that he would train hard and bring what I had taught him today to a respectable level by the next time we met. I told him not to overdo it, but he didn’t even pretend to listen.
It was hard to hold back my laughter at his pouty cheeks, which he puffed up as if to show me.