I didn’t know where to begin, so I spent a long time choosing my words.
I was afraid that if I started by saying how precious and lovely he was, and how much I longed for him, I would reveal how sly I was. If I tried to explain when I had started to feel this way, I wouldn’t know when I had first harbored this affection. If I told him why I had hesitated, even though I knew the child’s heart, I was worried that the joy sparkling in his eyes would fade.
But I, who had steadily learned to convey my thoughts in words and writing, carefully opened my lips, which felt glued shut. With great difficulty, exerting a lot of effort.
“It’s not the affection I would have for a close friend, but a much greater desire… that I have harbored. Probably for quite some time… I think Ruben already knew.”
“…”
“That’s why I couldn’t easily make a move, worried many times, and paid attention whenever something happened. Even when I said I would give what I caught at this Hunting Festival to Ruben…”
The incense on the table was unlit. Instead, it felt like I was on fire. I barely managed to lift my gaze and meet the child’s eyes. They were a mess, wet with a mixture of joy and fear.
“…After realizing the meaning of that, I became even more greedy. Ruben is destined to be the Emperor. Before Ruben becomes engaged to someone… I wanted to stand by his side, just once. I was giving up on expressing my feelings even before I confessed them.”
“…Michael, I…”
“I’m just too scared. And also, still…”
I didn’t give Rubel a chance to speak. I cut him off and swallowed my breath.
“…Too young.”
Would he hear that I was too scared because he was too young?
But I couldn’t bear the guilt of having stolen the heart of this young and lovely child. I couldn’t bear it without scolding myself for harboring such feelings for a child who wasn’t even of age yet, and spouting such nonsense. I felt sorry and ashamed that he didn’t know my lewd and outrageous side at all.
It’s so difficult to reveal one’s heart.
There’s nothing easy in this world, but I now knew that the most difficult thing of all was to fully reveal my heart. My chest pounded as if someone was punching me inside. If it weren’t for my trained body, I would have collapsed sideways and lost my breath.
The child, who was about to say something, closed his mouth again. That was fortunate. I hadn’t finished speaking.
“I didn’t want to make you wait. I’m planning to climb the Yuil Mountains. To fully protect Ruben, I need to become a Grand Sword Master. I thought that I needed to have at least as much power as Wesley to fully protect Ruben.”
“…”
“Already, Ruben is waiting…”
I swallowed the words I was about to say, that I didn’t know.
Was I really unaware? Wasn’t I just trying to avoid facing it? I wanted to express my honest feelings, so I composed myself. I looked straight into Rubel’s eyes. Looking into his wide, clear, and black eyes made me want to jump into some kind of abyss.
“…Even though I knew, I wanted to buy time because… because…”
“…”
“…Because the path to the mountains might be arduous. I didn’t want to leave Ruben behind, I was afraid I would say useless things… That’s why.”
I laughed. A bitter laugh, a hollow laugh. But it was a moment I couldn’t bear without laughing.
What had I sensed? I saw Rubel’s eyes becoming wistful and sadly withered. It was a familiar face, but my heart sank. Still, I managed to speak.
“Rubel, that’s why I don’t want to hear your answer right now.”
“…Why?”
The child’s voice was frail. It wavered like a flower stalk barely supporting a heavy blossom.
I took a deep breath and exhaled a small one. I barely managed to answer.
“Because even if your heart changes while Ruben is alone… I don’t want to blame you.”
“But.”
“I don’t want to promise. I can’t let you spend a large part of your life with it left empty. There are so many women and men in this Sierren. I’m not confident that I’m the best choice for Ruben.”
It was quiet.
Neither the child nor I spoke any further. I had said everything I needed to say, and Ruben had heard everything he needed to hear.
The time it would have taken for the incense to burn halfway had long passed. My heart was beating so loudly that it sounded like a rooster crowing. Something that should have been inside my chest was fluttering and crowing near my ear, making it impossible to be quiet.
Just as the strength was leaving my clenched fist, and I was about to get up to leave because I had nothing more to say, Rubel opened his mouth.
“…I understand. I understand, Michael.”
“…”
The child’s face was still flushed. The smile on his lips was one I knew well. It was a withered, sad, lovely, and shy smile, shining as if all the beautiful words in the world had been gathered together.
The child calmly reached out and covered the back of my hand, as if to comfort me.
Only then did I realize that my hand was trembling.
It wasn’t easy to reveal the feelings I had been trying so hard to hide and pretend to be calm. I remembered the day when this hand had trembled slightly. I didn’t know when he had grown up so much that he could calmly and bravely hold my hand.
I hoped that this child wouldn’t like me any more. At the same time, I wanted him to continue to like me. I wanted to run away, and I didn’t want to lose him.
I didn’t know what the child was going to say, so I lowered my gaze in fear.
“I… I was too hasty. You’re right… I was probably scared because I don’t know how many years you’ll spend on the mountains. So I wanted to have some kind of… more special relationship before that. Because you…”
There had been a time when I thought the child might cry, on a day that looked just like today. It was a moment I couldn’t turn away from. I didn’t want to avoid it, so I gritted my teeth and raised my head. Our eyes met. Rubel was still smiling. I, well, I.
I had my heart stolen once again by the child’s bright smile. The strength left my tightly clenched mouth, and a hollow breath escaped.
“…I thought you would never come back to me. I wanted to hold on to you somehow. I couldn’t believe your words that you would protect me.”
“…”
“…I won’t apologize. I don’t think this is something to be sorry about. Right? We’re both… just ignorant.”
“…Yes.”
“I’ll believe you. That you won’t change… that you’ll come back to me again.”
“Yes.”
Rubel remained like that for a while, then carefully asked something else.
“…Can I offer you some tea now? I want to be with you a little longer.”
“…Yes. Let’s do that.”
“Okay, let’s do that.”
We didn’t even touch the prepared refreshments. Rubel and I sat facing each other and emptied our teacups three times. We didn’t say anything during that time. The child looked at me with a gaze that seemed to melt me, and smiled shyly every time our eyes met.
All the while, as I swallowed the sweet and heavy silence with the tea, my heart was pounding and I was beside myself.
❖ ❖ ❖
It’s another dream.
High walls were rising on all sides. I was dumbfounded. Half of the people around me were familiar faces, and half were unfamiliar. There were children I had seen in the Central Plains, and there were guys I had seen here in Sierren.
I looked around, searching through the crowd for familiar faces, trying to call out someone’s name, but I didn’t know who to call, so I couldn’t make a sound. I just walked and walked and walked until a large shadow loomed over my head.
A hand. It was a very large hand. Was this what Sun Wukong saw when he was on the Buddha’s palm? I was led by an unknown hand and suddenly moved to another place.
There were several straight lines drawn on the wide-open floor on all sides.
…I knew this well, having seen it many times. I stared blankly ahead, like a chess piece sitting on a chessboard. I now knew that my clothes were black. Those dressed in white stood in front of me, just as bewildered as I was.
Can I walk?
I carefully took a step.
When I took a step forward, someone came towards me from the other side. When I walked sideways, someone else jumped. If I could look down from above, I would know if I was walking on the right path or the wrong path, but since I couldn’t see anything in front of me, I just wandered around like a lost ant.
Walking, walking, and walking again.
Even though I ran using Light Footwork, none of the people I could see in the distance got any closer.
I was out of breath. It was hard. It was painful. But I couldn’t stop. A fearful feeling arose, and I urged my feet on. I flew up and jumped far. I was afraid because this land, where someone had picked me up and dropped me off, was difficult and lonely.
Someone asked me. It was a voice that arose not in my ear, but in my heart.
-What are you looking for?
I don’t know.
-Who are you looking for?
I don’t know.
I opened my mouth to answer, but no sound came out. I just answered with my heart. Relying on that voice, I stood still. I gasped for breath.
What am I afraid of, and what am I looking for? I didn’t know. Even though I had run so much, I wiped the sweatless forehead with my sleeve, and the voice asked again.
-Who are you?
I couldn’t answer this either.
Who am I? I am Namgung Jeong-yeon, Michael Ernhardt, and something else. There were a dozen forgotten names, a hundred abandoned names, and a thousand forgotten lives.
Instead of a voice that wouldn’t come out, I asked in my heart.
Who are you?
There was no answer. I asked several times. Who are you? Who am I? Where is this? What do you want from me? Where is the path I must take? I am…
I woke up with a start.
I woke up in a soft bed, covered with good bedding. It was a well-maintained inn with ornate patterns engraved on it. If I heightened my Qi sense, I could hear Rubel’s breathing soundly asleep in the next room, and the Knights guarding the door were chatting among themselves, spending the night.
I groggily checked the time. It hadn’t even been two hours since I fell asleep.
What a bizarre dream.
Vanity of vanities. It was a vain nightmare that didn’t need to be remembered for long.
I drank a glass of water that had been placed as a bedside drink and opened the window. The red moon was setting, and only the white moon was rising in the dawn. The sun, having washed its face brightly, was washing the world as brightly as it had washed itself.
I should Breathing and regulating energy.
I washed my face with the prepared water and forgot about the nightmare. I remembered the story I had told last night and felt embarrassed again. What kind of face should I show Rubel?