By Zephyria 
“Why was I born on this earth?”
Suddenly, Boulder’s resonant voice echoed in my ears. A passing remark he made while rambling about the essence of Mana occupied a corner of my heart and grew in size.
He said something like, “The essence of things lies in their function, and the essence of people lies in love.”
When I asked if Boulder wasn’t single, his answer, given with a hearty laugh, pried its way through my memories and spilled out of my mouth.
“…Are you saying that knowing how much people in Sierren pour their hearts into love…?”
Indeed, he was right.
Wasn’t I, too, already thinking of the word “love” once a day?
It wasn’t like this when I lived at Young Count Ernhardt’s Residence. I just did what I wanted and lived as I always had. It was fine then. It was because I didn’t pay much attention to the chatter in my small world.
But after venturing into the wider world and beginning to learn about this land and its people, I changed.
As everyone around me sang songs of love, it was difficult to maintain my balance. I felt envy, longing, fear, and regret.
I had never in my life held a heart full of affection, so I wondered if the gods had moved me here as a reward, urging me to try it myself.
Or perhaps this was punishment for the many karmic debts I had accumulated in a past life. It felt like a distant road that I could never reach, no matter how desperately I wished and sought.
My mind was a tangle of thoughts.
The path ahead to reach the realm of Hwagyeong seemed long and distant.
If I were my true self, I wouldn’t have been shaken by such a trivial matter. I felt like a stranger to myself, growing weaker with so many extraneous things clinging to me.
Various faces flashed by, and behind my closed eyelids, Rubel’s bright face reappeared.
He was a child who said such timid things, like he would be safe even if his brother became Emperor. I wondered if, even if I couldn’t accept his feelings, I could at least protect that dream of his.
First, I needed to figure out what to do about my hands constantly reaching out to the child.
Just as it’s natural not to touch a young woman of age, I resolved in my heart that I shouldn’t easily touch Rubel either.
I tossed and turned for a long time. Sleep wouldn’t come all night.
❖ ❖ ❖
I didn’t see Rubel over the weekend.
It wasn’t that I deliberately avoided him. It was simply because Shayden, who had come to my room early Saturday morning, suggested it would be nice for friends to get together and have fun now that their exams were over.
Worried that Rubel might be waiting for me listlessly, I asked a servant to pass on a message. I told him I would be spending the weekend with my peers, so he should rest comfortably.
Thanks to that, Saturday was spent boisterously. There was a large group: Shayden, Damian, Marianne, Jenny, Ivan, and Benjamin.
We sat around a large round table, eating and drinking delicious food, and talked about subjects that were good for exams versus those that were dreadful.
Marianne and I insisted that no one should ever take the Basic First Aid class, while Benjamin strongly recommended the “Three Ways to Overcome Hardship” class for the next semester.
Knowing that Benjamin had struggled through it alone last semester, I wasn’t fooled.
As we returned to the dormitory late at night, Damian suggested that since we were all parting with reluctance, we should make an error correction notebook for our exams together on Sunday. I agreed and nodded.
It would be good to help each other, as we took many of the same classes.
Even as I thought this, a part of my heart felt heavy.
I worried that this might make it seem like I was avoiding Rubel.
I had never held someone in my heart, nor had I ever seen someone hold me in theirs.
There were many unfamiliar things since coming to Sierren, but this matter was among the most confusing and awkward.
I worried that Rubel might become cold again if he was hurt, then chided myself, asking if I could truly accept the child’s feelings, and then felt bewildered, wondering if the child truly liked me.
My mind changed a dozen times an hour.
Perhaps that indecisiveness showed.
Marianne, who had been diligently studying with exam questions and textbooks spread out, suddenly asked me.
“Mikael, do you have something on your mind?”
“…No.”
“You’ve been sighing constantly, haven’t turned a page in your book, and you’re looking down with your eyes like this. Like this, casting your eyelashes down to create a shadow here.”
“…Did I?”
“Yes. Jenny saw it too, right?”
“You sighed nine times in two hours, Mikael.”
When I looked up, all the children gathered in the small meeting room were looking at me.
I let out a wry laugh, wondering why they were staring at me instead of studying. I put down the pen I had been holding.
Should I ask? Should I not? I debated whether it was something I could speak aloud, then opened my mouth.
“…For example, if, hypothetically… it’s not my story, but…”
“Yes?”
“If someone seemed to like me…”
“Yes?”
The children listening intently began to chuckle one by one. Confused as to why they were laughing, I sat still. Marianne, who had been laughing heartily and tapping the desk, spoke up busily.
“No, what kind of obvious thing are you saying? How many people in this academy don’t like Mikael?”
“No, not like that. Not as a friend.”
“Mmm. I know ten people who like Mikael.”
“I know twenty.”
Their playful tone annoyed me. If it were just a casual affection, I wouldn’t be this distressed.
I closed my mouth and stayed quiet. Ivan, who usually didn’t comment on such matters, asked slyly. Even his eyes were full of laughter.
“Who is the other party?”
“…I told you, it’s not my story.”
“Yes, we understand it’s not Mikael’s story. We’re just curious who it is that you’re thinking so much about.”
I kept my lips tightly shut and didn’t answer. The children’s eyes sparkling as they looked at me made me embarrassed, so I covered my face with both hands.
As I ran my hands down my face, Damian, sitting next to me, spoke.
“If you don’t want to accept it, it’s best to draw a line.”
“A line?”
“Well, by saying beforehand that you already like someone else, for instance.”
For a moment, I imagined calling Rubel over and telling him I liked someone else, and that it wasn’t him.
No, I don’t think I could ever bring myself to say it. I didn’t want to see that innocent face contort in any way.
“…If you don’t want to lie.”
“Then the best thing to say is, ‘I can’t accept your feelings right now. It’s not that you’re lacking, but I don’t have the emotional capacity for it at the moment.’ That’s the best approach, I suppose.”
“…I don’t have the capacity right now.”
As I repeated Damian’s words, Shayden immediately cut in and stopped me.
“No, I think it’s fine to just pretend you don’t know.”
“Whoa. Here comes the bad boy.”
“Be quiet, Marianne.”
Shayden shot a glance at Marianne, who was still playfully stomping her feet, then looked directly at me and continued in a firm voice.
“Everyone in this academy knows Mika is oblivious, right? If you just stay quiet, the other person will either confess or give up.”
“…”
Me, oblivious? With my experience? I was flabbergasted, but I listened.
“Until they confess, you honestly don’t know. Even if the other person likes you, they might not want to date you. There are circumstances to consider…”
“…”
“If they confess, then you can think about it carefully, accept if you want to, or refuse if you want to. If the other person doesn’t make any moves, it’s okay to just pretend you don’t know. You don’t want to ruin the relationship, right?”
…It was a tempting suggestion. As I listened quietly, Jenny chimed in from beside me.
“Does Shayden know who the other person is?”
“How would I know? Mikael seemed not to know until now, too.”
I stared blankly at Shayden’s face. Seeing his pale face feigning ignorance, I realized, Ah, this guy knows.
Come to think of it, when I didn’t know that Walter and Calypse were in that kind of relationship, Shayden already knew. He must have known Rubel liked me too.
Since when? I suppressed the sudden surge of curiosity.
Staying quiet was easier than rejecting them and drawing a line.
Shayden’s caution was likely because Rubel was a prince. Shayden had previously said that the prince and I being close was a good thing.
I didn’t want to distance myself from Rubel over such a ridiculous matter, so Shayden’s words sounded right.
As I remained silent, Shayden quickly turned the conversation to Marianne.
“Speaking of which, Marianne, how are things with Senior Tenor? You don’t talk about him much these days.”
“Ah, well. We take one elective class together, have dinner sometimes, and study together on weekends… That’s about it.”
“Why weren’t you together this weekend?”
“Hey, my friends miss me and want to hang out! Are you trying to kick me out?”
Marianne slammed the desk and stood up indignantly, causing laughter to erupt.
Looking sternly at the children who were apologizing in various ways, saying “No,” “I was wrong,” and “I’ll be good,” Marianne sat back down and let out a smug little snort.
“Just try to kick me out. I won’t let any of you off.”
“Yes, I was wrong. Should I stand in the corner as punishment?”
“Hmph. Even if you’re in a relationship, the world doesn’t shrink to just that one person. I love Glee Oppa very much, and I like him a lot, but I don’t think Glee Oppa is my everything. You are all very precious to me too.”
It was a cute and cheeky remark. Even I, who had been feeling down, smiled because of her.
Marianne, who had put her hands on her hips and pretended to be dignified, did a cute little pose, then smiled bashfully and picked up her pen again. Watching her amusingly, I suddenly became curious and asked.
“Marianne, how are you so good at relationships?”
Hearing my words, Marianne let out a cheerful giggle and waved her quill pen.
“Hmm, maybe I was born with it?”