By Zephyria 
Gyeoul was still lovely, even as he aged. He slowly blinked his round eyes. I didn’t think he was this dazed when I first met him in high school. But it was already irreversible.
Gyeoul slowly reached out his hand. I poured the snacks onto it. I could see the corners of his mouth twitching in real-time.
Suddenly, I felt ashamed of myself for bringing him something so trivial, and my face flushed. I withdrew my hand and quickly sat down in my chair. I wanted to act as nonchalant as possible.
I tried to grab the chopsticks to somehow divert my gaze, but I fumbled and dropped them on the floor. I was clumsy in everything I did, and I was afraid to see his face. I couldn’t guess what his expression would be.
“…It’s, it’s a thank you.”
In the end, I stammered and mumbled. I felt like I had to justify my actions. But I couldn’t hide my bright red face.
I heard a faint laugh. “Okay.” His short reply followed. I bent down to pick up the fallen chopsticks. My face felt flushed with blood. I didn’t want to show him this foolish side of me.
I just wanted to give him something I had…
I stood up again, feeling awkward. Gyeoul, who was vaguely visible in my sight, was already holding a futomaki and putting it in his mouth. It looked like it wouldn’t fit all at once because of its size, but he stubbornly pushed it into his mouth.
His cheeks were puffed out like a squirrel. I had known it for a long time, but it was especially noticeable today.
I snapped the chopsticks apart. The silence felt comfortable. Just like it always had. Even though the situation had changed and we had become irrevocably estranged, I felt like I had instantly returned to the past. To the daily life where we tasted flavors and shared happiness.
As I was about to pick up the food in front of me, Gyeoul said plainly.
“There’s cucumber in that one. There isn’t any in the one next to it, so eat that.”
“…Okay.”
My heart fluttered. I picked up what Gyeoul pointed to, put it in my mouth, and chewed it carefully. The words “thank you” were mixed with the rice grains and crushed into small pieces.
I thought it was the most delicious food I had eaten recently, but even then, I wasn’t sure if I was feeling it properly. That’s how nervous I was.
Suddenly, Gyeoul spoke first.
“You’ve been working overtime every day lately.”
“Well, it’s the busiest time for the backend team. And I’m a bit clumsy.”
“You’re finally using your major. You always wanted to go back.”
“Yeah, it ended up like this.”
I smiled faintly as I replied.
Gyeoul was the most disappointed when I abandoned my major and chose to join a public corporation. At that time, I wanted to earn money steadily and help Gyeoul. I was arrogant enough to think that I could live as Your Highness’s tool.
In the end, I came back this late. What I had studied from time to time helped. After all, skill is more important than experience in this field.
If I had tried to make use of my previous company’s experience, I would never have been able to reach Your Highness’s side. I would have wandered around Korea and died.
He scooped up the udon broth with a spoon and put it in his mouth. After swallowing everything in his mouth, he said calmly. It was a very nonchalant tone.
“Congratulations. I’ve wanted to tell you since I found out you were Sirius. You wouldn’t have heard these words here because I’m the only one who knows your dream.”
I must have become a crybaby since I met Gyeoul. Or maybe my tear ducts were completely broken. The tip of my nose tingled as if I had swallowed wasabi. I nodded, stopping what I was chewing.
It’s easy to say “I’m sorry,” but why is it so difficult to say “thank you”? It’s just a common greeting. Maybe it’s because I feel guilty about receiving something from Your Highness. Things that I, of all people, shouldn’t receive.
I hurriedly swallowed the food that I hadn’t even chewed properly. I couldn’t let this pass without properly expressing my feelings. Because I’m bad at expressing my emotions, I had to say it out loud.
But as expected, nothing went as planned in front of Your Highness. In the end, the futomaki got stuck in my throat, and I coughed as if I was going to throw up. Only after Gyeoul patted my back urgently was I able to open my mouth properly.
“Th, thank you.”
A vague word that was worse than saying nothing came out. The situation was completely reversed. I wiped the corners of my eyes, which were filled with tears from coughing. I wanted to hide somewhere.
Gyeoul looked at my face, which had turned completely red like a tomato, and burst out laughing. He handed me a paper cup filled with water and said.
“This reminds me of the first time we ate together. You were like this back then too. You were eating tteokbokki and tears were streaming down your face.”
I was so nervous back then too.
It was before I realized I liked Gyeoul. After finishing academy, I suddenly suggested to him that he was hungry. There was a snack bar under the academy that was open late, I had just received my allowance yesterday, and tomorrow was Saturday.
I managed to order the food, but I was very nervous when I sat facing each other and tried to eat. Gyeoul was just an ordinary high school student, but for some reason, I wanted to show Your Highness a perfect side of myself.
In particular, I didn’t want to be remembered badly for getting sauce on my face or using chopsticks incorrectly. So I was even more nervous, and the moment I chewed and swallowed the tteokbokki, it got stuck in my throat. The spicy sauce stung my nose, and tears streamed down my face.
He murmured softly, as if reminiscing about that time.
“I miss it. You were cute back then…”
I stopped breathing and barely breathed again. Every word Gyeoul uttered was a fatal blow to me. My heart was pounding so fiercely that my vision was dizzy. I didn’t know what to do with the first compliment I had ever heard from him.
I was already in the front seat of a roller coaster, repeating rapid ascents and descents.
Gyeoul didn’t continue, as if he was lost in thought. I watched him carefully, making sure not to swallow anything wrong and distract him.
I wished time would stop like this, but at the same time, I hoped it would pass quickly in the blink of an eye so that this trembling would end.
Before I knew it, the food was starting to run out. Gyeoul’s eyes, who had finished reminiscing, were shining brightly. He had a calm look again, as if he had never looked bitter. My existence must only bring up uncomfortable feelings for Your Highness.
After worrying alone for a long time, I said timidly.
“You’re busy, right? I’ll clean up, so go ahead.”
“It doesn’t take that long. Let’s do it together.”
“I’m the one who got treated…”
“I’ve already received more than enough in return. You shouldn’t have given it to me if you were going to be like this. Let me use you.”
Gyeoul picked up a chocolate from the pile of snacks that had been pushed to one side and tossed it to me. I received it in a daze. He took one out for himself and popped it into his mouth.
Even though I had given it to him first, I somehow felt like he had given it to me as a gift. I was happy. I didn’t know I was the kind of person who could be happy about such trivial things. It was a very late realization. Would the future have changed if I had known even two years ago?
Even though I was eating something sweet, the tip of my tongue was bitter.
I moved my hands diligently. I gathered the plastics in one place and put the disposables in a plastic bag. Gyeoul poured the leftover food into the broth. The memories of the past remained in my hands like a habit.
Gyeoul checked his phone when he heard the vibration while cleaning up. His fingers moved quickly as if he was replying. I was curious about who he was contacting, but I couldn’t ask. Now that I think about it, I was a very possessive lover.
I wanted to know where Your Highness was and who Your Highness was with in real-time. I tied down a free person like Gyeoul and was satisfied alone. I didn’t even know that Your Highness was suffocating in my love…
It’s no wonder Your Highness got tired of me. The fact that Your Highness endured even that and loved me was nothing short of a miracle.
‘Who is it?’
I swallowed the sentence that had been lingering for a long time. I gritted my teeth so that no trace would be left and crushed it into small pieces.
“What do you want to drink? Ian said he’ll buy you one too.”
It was that person again. He popped up when I was about to forget him. As if he was melting into Your Highness’s daily life. It wouldn’t be strange if he appeared in the conversation at any time. That’s how intertwined they already were.
“…Are you close?”
The ugly feeling I wanted to confirm exceeded my self-control. It was only a few words, but I was filled with self-loathing. It was the ugly jealousy of someone who wasn’t qualified.
Gyeoul didn’t seem to have any thoughts about my question, or maybe it was a natural question, and simply answered, “Yeah.” Rather, he seemed more concerned about what drink I wanted.
‘I’m glad Your Highness didn’t notice.’
Hiding my relief, I calmly answered what Your Highness wanted.
“An iced Americano is enough.”
“Denied.”
But Gyeoul cut me off firmly. His gaze, which had been on his phone, reached me. The space between his eyebrows narrowed subtly. He always did that when there was something he didn’t like.
“…Why?”
Even though I knew that the right thing to do in these situations was to give a different answer quietly, I asked back. I had only given the most common answer, so what was wrong?