By Zephyria Even though bright light was pouring down on my face from the window, I couldn’t open my eyes. It was partly because I had come in at dawn and gone to bed late, but it seemed to be mainly because my throat and nose were so swollen that I could barely breathe.
Revealing my heart was always like this. It felt like tearing and cutting away at my whole body to show the most precious thing, so the aftereffects were severe.
A large hand carefully touched my forehead, as if to check my temperature. I leaned my face weakly against that hand. I felt lonely.
“Are you awake?”
At Michael’s gentle voice, I nodded very slightly. The hand slowly stroking my hair felt kind. I barely opened my eyes halfway and looked at him.
My blurry eyes couldn’t focus, but I could definitely see a large figure looking down at me.
The backlighting made it hard to see his expression. I blinked a couple of times and then closed my eyes completely. My eyelids were too heavy to bear. I had expected it, but I didn’t know my body would get this bad. I must have tried that hard.
Michael’s cool hand covered my eyes. The bed sank deeply on one side, as if he was sitting on the edge.
“Your eyes are swollen like a goldfish. Let’s get up and take your medicine.”
“……Uh, okay.”
My voice was so cracked that it barely came out. I re-pronounced the distorted word. My mouth hurt so much. My tongue was swollen and it was hard to speak, and I didn’t even have the strength to twitch a finger.
Was this trip too much? Well, I didn’t think that was the reason. It was just that what was going to burst, burst. The aftermath completely broke down my body and made a mess of it.
“Your fever went up to almost 102 degrees Fahrenheit, do you know how surprised I was? I almost took you to the hospital without even knowing if you had insurance.”
“Th, thank you.”
I answered with a voice as hoarse as Grandfather’s and let the warm water he offered trickle down my throat. Although I couldn’t drink it properly and ended up spitting it all out with a big cough.
My throat was so swollen that there wasn’t even a tiny gap to swallow. Tears welled up in my eyes from the overwhelming pain.
“Rest well at the hotel today. How much fun did you have playing with Quinn to come back like this?”
“…….”
“I told you I’d carry you, but you said you were fine on your own and left. You must have a bad cold, Winter.”
Yeah, it was fun. So much so that I didn’t even know I was sick and did my best.
I was worried about giving Kwon Yi-tae’s home address so easily, so I ended up sending Michael back alone. Foolishly. He treated me carelessly anyway, so I should have done the same. It was a belated regret.
What should I define this vibrant emotion that is hateful, yet longed for, and even detestable? Is there any need to name it? It wouldn’t be anything anyway.
My body sank. A troubled soul dwelled in an unhealthy body and completely collapsed. How long would it take to get back on track? I thought I had put on a shell and hidden myself well, but…….
I was still exposing myself completely.
“Michael…….”
I barely moved my fingers and grabbed his arm. The cold, frozen fingertips felt like they were shattering. I felt like a rusty piece of scrap metal, with all my joints and bones rusted and unable to move.
At my weak call, he quickly lowered his head and put his ear close.
“Yeah, why? What’s wrong? Is it something so important and urgent that you’re having such a hard time talking?”
“It’s, noisy… please be quiet, please.”
Speaking at length caused a level of pain that made me worry my throat had been torn. How long would this pain have to last before I could recover completely? Could I recover so much that not even a trace of the pain would remain?
The aftermath of the breakup was terrible.
If I hadn’t met him, I could have lived a peaceful life with love completely erased from my life. Why did he stir me up and break me down? Why, me…….
Even if love was missing from my life, it wouldn’t hurt anymore. I didn’t even have any expectations. That was only natural. It was my destiny not to be loved. Crying sadly because I wasn’t given it was only when I was a child.
As I quietly pondered, Michael was unusually quiet. Even though I was limp like a water-soaked cotton ball, I felt uneasy. Had I said something too harsh? I had a feeling that might be the case. I had never made such a big mistake before.
I had become too sensitive. Because I was sick, because I was sick.
I cautiously opened my eyes again, watching his reaction. My vision was blurry, as if I was being crushed by a rock. My eyes were so sore, but I couldn’t bear the thought that my words had hurt him. I had to check his face.
Knowing that words could pierce the heart more sharply than anything else, why did I do that? Knowing it better than anyone else.
“……Are you, angry?”
Michael was sobbing. My eyes widened. I tried to get up straight away in embarrassment, but I failed. I couldn’t move. I had to apologize somehow.
“Winter is so pitiful!”
“…….”
“How could you come all the way to good New York and catch a cold? You’re so sick that you think my nightingale-like beautiful voice is noisy. That’s so sad! It’s the worst!”
He held my hands tightly in both of his and chanted some unknown prayer. I didn’t know he was a devout Catholic.
He closed his eyes and fluttered his hair, radiant in the sunlight, and calmly raised his hands. From shoulder to shoulder, from head to chest. His face, making the sign of the cross as if performing a very sacred ritual, was nothing short of reverent.
I quietly watched his peaceful appearance and closed my eyes.
Michael’s voice sounded far away, as if I had fallen into a quiet lake. My body sank under the water. My faint consciousness was submerged and cut off, like a candle being extinguished.
∗ ∗ ∗
Each time I opened my eyes, the position of the sun had changed.
Whenever it was hard to bear, I had another nightmare. So this was inevitable. It was inevitable that I would dream of you and feel nauseous and throw up.
My fever wouldn’t go down, so I was delirious. When I woke up, I took medicine and swallowed water. I coughed so much as if I had consumption that I grabbed the blanket and cried for a while. It hurt. The cold hotel room was too small and dark. I missed familiar warmth.
Our love, which was like a short film, seemed to have finally reached its proper end.
In my dream, you were dead with your head shattered, and in my hand below it was a blood-stained hammer. Undried red liquid dripped down the metal.
‘I can’t forgive you, so why are you just holding back? Smash it down with all your might.’
The person who had committed the crime was instead standing tall and begging. Just a moment ago, he had been dead…….
Ah, it’s a dream. So that’s why the corpse can move? When I looked closely, he was wailing and banging his head on the floor. The sight of the broken wound opening up was very gruesome.
The space we were in was very familiar. The withered Blancho was swaying gently in the wind, and my beloved glass was on the table. A screaming sound was repeatedly played on the phone, deafening me, but I was smiling peacefully.
‘Why did you do that?’
I asked you. You cried with a face that was definitely dead.
You never made any excuses.
I couldn’t tell if what I wanted to confirm from you was a love that had ended, or a love that I thought had ended but was still blooming. I just thought I wanted you to be miserable. I wanted you to be more hurt than me, more desperate than me.
I familiarly strangled Yi-tae, who was kneeling. I strangled and shook him with all my might. Yi-tae didn’t even resist.
‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Gyeoul.’
He kept repeating the same words. His body, which was drooping as if telling me to kill him, his face stained with tears, and his lips, which were only saying incomprehensible words, were all hateful. They were disgusting.
With that hand, with that mouth, with those eyes, what did you caress with affection? Then what was I to you? If you were so sorry, you should have said it then. Why. Why now?
If you didn’t love me, you could have broken up with me kindly. Why did you give me such a wound? You treated the passionate love we shared as if it were less than a roadside stone, and you kicked it, broke it. Why did you do that?
I could no longer feel any breath from Yi-tae, who had already become a corpse. It was all over. I should have ended it with my own hands, but I had come too far for too long. I should have done this instead…….
I was happy. So I cried again.
It hurts. It hurt. My whole body was burning hot. The heat that started from within swallowed my brain. There was nothing I could do. I had no choice but to entrust my body to this fire and die with it.
‘Yi-tae. There is no love.’
I kept whispering to you, who was dead. Yi-tae had my face.
What we did wasn’t love. Because such a thing doesn’t exist. So don’t be sorry. We did something that was nothing. In vain. We just wasted time.
I finally woke up from the nightmare.
The long night was over and a new morning had dawned. It didn’t hurt anymore.