By Zephyria 
I hugged him with all my might, as if protecting someone precious, preventing him from falling. My startled heart pounded so fiercely that Gyeoul must have felt it completely. His breath trembled subtly. Even as time passed, I couldn’t calm down.
“I thought you were going to greet the fish. Thanks for catching me.”
But Gyeoul just smiled and pushed me away. As if his surprise was only momentary. It seemed I was the only one who felt dizzy. If even for a moment you had gotten hurt…
Fear washed over me, but as his palm touched my chest, the strength in my arm slowly dissipated. As if I had been holding him captive, he immediately escaped from my embrace. I wanted to hug him again and stop him.
The scent of sun-dried fabric softener wafted from Gyeoul as he walked away. I helplessly clenched the lingering scent in my fingertips. As if I could possess it that way.
I hung my head low and slowly rubbed the fabric over my chest where his hand had touched. I suddenly felt like crying. Even though I knew that approaching him was greedy, I couldn’t control my heart, which was ignorantly racing with joy.
Even though I knew the truth from the first moment my eyes met Gyeoul’s.
“I almost appeared on the news, what a shame.”
“If I had jumped, you could have appeared as a witness.”
“Your jokes have become more violent since I last saw you.”
He didn’t have even a speck of affection for me. Even the common favor he easily gave to passing strangers wasn’t meant for me.
I had to accept the fact that even if I held you and stubbornly imprinted my scent on you, even if I crawled on the floor begging for love, nothing would change. Was I still hoping? After committing such an act. Not knowing my place.
The captain’s announcement came over the speaker, saying that since it wasn’t a ship going to the island, it would stop at the nearest point. As soon as Gyeoul heard that, he turned his body completely. He stood upright, mixed among the large group of foreigners, as if it wasn’t cramped at all.
Without approaching him, I retraced the memories that had passed.
From the moment Gyeoul opened the door and entered the bar, I could sense his presence. Even though it was a completely unexpected coincidence, it felt natural. It was only natural that my gaze would follow you.
While my unrequited love grew into a pathetic form, those were the only things I learned. The ability to find you instantly no matter where you are, and to know what you want without you having to say it.
So I willingly despaired.
“Yi-tae, take a picture of me.”
Still holding onto the railing, Gyeoul turned his body halfway. As if possessed, I pressed the button with my finger. I wanted to capture that brilliant moment.
Even before he said anything, I was already capturing Gyeoul’s back view with my phone camera. Because he definitely wanted it. I could easily tell such things. Without him saying it.
The beautifully knotted red scarf fluttered in the sea breeze. See? I told you I know everything you want. …So please, need me.
The sticky desire surged once again. Not even knowing shame. It was a thought that shouldn’t have come into the world. Wrong from its very existence. Deserving of immediate death. Dirty.
“Smile comfortably.”
“More than I am now?”
“Yeah, more.”
My voice sounded even. Fortunately, it seemed to reach Gyeoul that way as well.
You smiled beyond the screen. Your neat eyes, your even teeth, your wrinkled nose were imprinted on my retina like a painting. I felt as if we were the only two left in this world. Suddenly, I realized.
I wasn’t in your thoughts at all.
I pulled up the corners of my mouth as Gyeoul did, but I couldn’t smile properly this time either. I wanted to hide somewhere. I didn’t want him to see my affection. I lowered my head again. I couldn’t show my distorted face as it was.
I loathed myself for being disappointed even though I knew that you and I could never be on the same level. I was already receiving more than enough favor.
He called me, and I pushed through the crowd and finally stood next to Gyeoul. Below the railing, white spray rose in the bright blue sea, painted like pastels. The foam of the waves floated like ice grains receiving sunlight.
I wanted to jump down there and die immediately.
∗ ∗ ∗
While getting off the ferry, I stopped in my tracks due to a sudden phone call. He always said that I would suit New York, but it was Gyeoul who suited this place better.
He had a serious expression and lowered his eyes to listen to the other person’s words. After a few exchanges, he fluently questioned them in English. Judging from the conversation about front-end and back-end, it seemed there was a slight problem with a collaborating company.
“I’ll email the person in charge about that matter. No, it was resolved without any problems thanks to Ian’s attention. Souvenirs? Are we that close…? I’ll think about it.”
Gyeoul’s voice was low and gentle. He occasionally burst into laughter as if he had heard an amusing joke. It felt like a confidential conversation with a colleague who was a little closer than a company superior. I watched his subtle smile and turned my head away.
I felt like I had to leave this place quickly. I kicked the ground in frustration. A stone I kicked bounced and rolled down.
I repeatedly opened and closed the email from the company. It wasn’t urgent. It was a vacation I had barely managed to take today, so it would be enough to deal with it tomorrow. Also, even if they contacted me, only the pre-scheduled automatic reply would be sent.
“Okay, I’ll try to consider your taste as much as possible. Stop grumbling. How are you going to come over to New York? Work harder on the task I asked you to do. Don’t talk about business trips.”
I could feel the persistent gaze of the employee helping with disembarkation. He had a frustrated expression, as if he wanted to finish work quickly and rest. It seemed that the important call was almost over… I repeatedly clenched and unclenched my fist.
What kind of face would Gyeoul be making? But I didn’t want to check.
“You say ‘I miss you’ too casually…”
I tightly grabbed the hem of Gyeoul’s clothes, who was engrossed in the call. A slightly puzzled, round gaze reached me. In the distance, the huge employee seemed to move a step closer. I didn’t have the courage to look directly at Gyeoul, so I turned my body.
‘In case he gets hurt.’
I recited pathetic excuses in my mind and continued to move until my feet touched the concrete. In the meantime, the tedious phone call seemed to have finally ended.
“No, it’s just that the employee was staring…”
It was pathetic. Even though I knew it, I ended up saying it. I deliberately ignored the fact that the ship would be docked here for a while, and that there were many people disembarking later than us. Such things were not important.
Because you never know. The employee might have really been angry.
“Sorry. The call took longer than expected. It was related to an important project, so I couldn’t not answer it. There’s nothing more infuriating than work calls during vacation.”
“It didn’t seem like a big problem from what I heard.”
“Ah, right. There was something simple to adjust. I don’t know why they bothered to call me about something like this.”
Gyeoul grumbled but stopped in his place again. I glimpsed an email on the screen. He must be worried about it, even if he said otherwise. He’s very responsible.
The stone that had fallen earlier was coincidentally in front of my feet. It was even more eye-catching because it was a rough gray stone placed on a pure white, smooth floor. I felt like picking it up as a souvenir, but I didn’t want to let go of the hand that had finally reached him.
Gyeoul put his phone in his pocket after finishing his work. I heard a vibration, as if he had received a reply in that short time. While Gyeoul was checking it, I kicked the stone into the sea. A clear splash was heard.
If I couldn’t have it, it was better to remove it from my sight.
The desperately clinging fingertips caught my eye. I was barely holding onto the bottom of his clothes, to the point where I would fall if Gyeoul moved even slightly. It even seemed like Gyeoul didn’t know I was doing this.
“Are you close to that person you were talking to earlier?”
“Ian?”
He had been glaring at the screen as if it was filled with curses, but he took his eyes off it and looked at me. Blink. It was a very intimate term. The people who had been swarming around us earlier had scattered to Battery Park and disappeared.
So this was just a trivial curiosity. I shouldn’t covet anything about you, but I couldn’t hide all the feelings that were boiling up. So just a little gap. If you allow it.
Knowing it was wrong, I carefully replied, hiding my sullenness.
“…It just seemed that way.”
“We’ve known each other since Korea, so we’re more special.”
“I see.”
If I could inflict some pain on myself, my thoughts would become clearer.
My vision blurred as if it was foggy. I pressed my lips tightly together.