By Zephyria The woman next to him leaned in as if to speak to him. He lowered his head as if listening to her, then shook his head succinctly. Watching her continue to speak as if disappointed, he moved his lips.
He picked up a glass that looked like mine and lightly wet his lips. Setting down the glass, he opened his mouth. Even as everyone at the table laughed, his expression remained unchanged. Yet, the convivial atmosphere was palpable even from here.
He turned his head and gazed at the city’s night view again.
What had seemed like waves shining with romance now felt like a dark sea without a lighthouse. I was at a loss with the sudden sense of desolation. The tips of my toes felt heavy, like damp cotton soaked in saltwater. Was it because of the excessive schedule? My throat felt scratchy, and I coughed lightly.
I picked up the half-empty glass and drained it in one go. The sweetness that had filled the wine now only tasted bitter. I set down the glass. Only a cherry remained in the empty glass.
The lighting on the ceiling shifted direction. My face was reflected on the glass, which neatly displayed the scenery. My eyes, which had been greeting my foolish face, turned and stared beyond it.
‘Why…’
He, who had been completely turned away, not paying any attention to this side, was looking here. It must be a misunderstanding. The tips of my toes curled up. This ominous feeling, as if our eyes had met, must also be just my imagination.
The music throbbed. The floor vibrated beneath my feet.
My head knew I should look away, but my body froze honestly. The end of my breath trembled subtly. I barely lowered my eyes. This was not in my expectations. So, I didn’t know how to act in this situation.
A line from the song that had been playing on the radio lingered in my ear like tinnitus. Avoid it if possible… I could pretend I didn’t see him at all, or go and greet him cordially. But I couldn’t do any of those things.
I barely raised my eyes, but even though time had passed, he was still looking this way with the same expression. What action would he take? I suddenly became afraid. He didn’t move, nor did he turn his attention elsewhere.
‘Why are you here?’
He was supposed to be in Korea. With that faceless person, and I… I had wished him to live better, as much as I had been hurt. So, he shouldn’t be standing here as if this place was familiar.
This couldn’t be happening. I had to avoid him somehow. This was the worst of the many moments I had imagined meeting him. I couldn’t face him without a shell. The pit of my stomach ached.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I thought about my next action. The emotion that had briefly bloomed and disappeared was just a delusion. Beautiful things often bewitch people. It had to be. That must be it.
I had to find Michael. Quickly. Right now.
Before I could even turn my head, I jumped up from my seat. Avoiding the area where he was, I looked around. He wasn’t there. I bit my lip in anxiety. The bitterness of Manhattan that remained on the tip of my tongue was spreading throughout my body.
Just then, the phone, whose existence I had forgotten, vibrated.
Michael
[Sorry, Winter. It looks like the conversation will be longer, so would you like to go back to the accommodation first? It’s a 7-minute walk from here, so it won’t be dangerous. We plan to move to another location, but if you want to wait for me, I’ll come back here.]
This is the worst, really.
What I feared wasn’t the unfamiliar city, nor the man who seemed to belong there. It was the impulse that was gently swaying beneath my feet. The desire to look closely at the dreamlike figure of a man I had been thinking about ever since I came to New York, a man I had been drawing for a long time.
Clenching the phone tightly, I turned my head to the last remaining place. Michael wasn’t there either. I belatedly realized it was a notification, but that didn’t matter.
My eyes locked with dark eyes. It was a terribly persistent gaze.
“Hello.”
My mouth moved on its own. The distance between us was far, it was too noisy for my voice to reach, and I knew that this kind of greeting was no longer appropriate for our relationship, but I couldn’t stop.
His eyes blinked. No matter how far away, I could stand in a position to recognize the movement of his lips. Just as I had already done.
He turned his body completely towards me. People passed between us, who were finally facing each other. We were merely standing in countless moments. The thumping drums, the clashing glass, even the suppressed giggles.
‘Did it reach?’
His lips moved. The shape of his mouth, which I definitely couldn’t recognize until just now, came clearly into view. And the familiar voice that finally reached my ear at the end of it.
“Hello.”
This must surely be my imagination. It was a distance where I couldn’t hear. There was no way the soft voice tickling my ear was real. Because I knew him too well. So, this was just an auditory hallucination that my brain had created on its own.
Kwon Yi-tae, who had greeted me, said something briefly to the person next to him and walked towards me. Passing by unfamiliar foreigners, he quickly narrowed the distance with a straight stride that didn’t allow for even a single bit of disarray. Just like someone who had wanted to do this from the beginning.
My ears were ringing. It was as if I was submerged in water.
When he finally arrived in front of me, Kwon Yi-tae’s face came into view. The straight hair that tickled his forehead as if it had been lightly dried, the red lips with an even sheen, the relentless eyes that sparkled like a glass fishbowl under the lights.
You reappeared with the face of the man I once loved.
“It’s been a while.”
Kwon Yi-tae’s words were familiar yet unfamiliar.
“…Yeah. How have you been?”
I asked habitually in response to his words.
Such a conversation in this situation. It was a greeting that would only suit a long-lost classmate. Exchanging only a few words about our recent lives before awkwardly parting ways, bringing up memories that wouldn’t amount to much even if we mulled over them, a level of intimacy that would only make us recall ‘There was someone like that.’
Even though there was no wind, his black hair fluttered. I blinked a couple of times before realizing. It was because Kwon Yi-tae had slowly nodded his head.
Time was flowing slowly.
“Like you said. How have you been?”
“Me too, well… I’ve been doing well.”
Thank goodness.
A gentle relief that I wished would be buried in the music welled up in my heart. I unconsciously pressed and released the pit of my stomach with my hand. As if I had felt a stinging pain.
He was the same as ever. The only thing that had changed was that he was acting as if the past two years hadn’t existed at all.
“I didn’t expect to see you here…”
I trailed off, at a loss for how to end the sentence I had started. Glad to see you? Surprised? It wasn’t such a light emotion. I didn’t want to put this meeting into words with positive connotations, even if it was a lie.
One side of Kwon Yi-tae’s cheek was deeply dimpled. He smiled prettily. Why?
My gaze didn’t waver. It was too easy to recognize that the smile dangling on his lips was fake. Then why was he making such a face? When the expression he really wanted to make wasn’t that.
“Coincidence is a bitch.”
No, it seemed like what he had lost wasn’t just 2 years, but 9 years. Like when we were friends. Yi-tae’s clear change was palpable. So, it wasn’t unreasonable that this conversation felt like an awkward reunion with a classmate.
Then… can I interpret this subtle feeling I’m feeling as happiness? Can I treat him as an easy acquaintance, like previous relationships, as just another relationship where I don’t have to agonize over every word?
But is that possible?
“I thought you came with other people, shouldn’t you go back?”
“It’s okay. What about you? It seemed like the person you came with… left a while ago.”
Yi-tae paused for a moment while speaking. It was the first sign of a gap.
‘He was watching. Since when? He definitely saw me after Michael left.’
I had too many thoughts. There were too many things to consider and weigh, but thoughts that went beyond that paralyzed my thinking. The questions I wanted to ask overflowed and drummed against the roof of my mouth. The sensation was ticklish, so I pressed my lips tightly together.
“It’s okay, I’m meeting him at the accommodation.”
I hadn’t replied to the text yet, but that’s what I would do. Yi-tae quietly looked at my face and replied monotonously, “Okay.”
Silence parted us. He stood in front of me and lowered his head. Following his gaze, I also looked down. Navy blue canvas shoes and well-polished black dress shoes were facing each other side by side.
If only the left shoe hadn’t brushed against the floor and stepped back.
Disturbed by the movement, I looked up at him. He’s much thinner than before. He should eat something. Nothing changes by starving himself. Looking at his sharp jawline, such pathetic thoughts floated around. The things I really wanted to ask were hidden behind those terrible worries.
After staring for a long time, Kwon Yi-tae raised his head. The corners of his lips drew a delicate arc. A hand that had fallen limply hid in his coat pocket. That series of movements was replayed like an old film with slow playback.
“Then have a good time.”
The end of a sublime wait was farewell. It was a simple ending, so much so that the things I had worried about were meaningless.
“Yi-tae Hyung, do you happen to have plans after this?”
But I had no intention of doing as he wished. It wasn’t because I had greeted him first just to part ways like this.