By Zephyria I lost my mouth and couldn’t call your name, lost my ears and couldn’t hear your voice. Eternal darkness. In a dark place where Choi Gyeoul didn’t exist, I writhed without even being able to call you. Like a larva. How ugly must I look?
I want to die.
I don’t want to die in a place without you.
I want to wake up from this darkness as cruel as reality. No. Even so, I don’t want to wake up to a reality without you forever. What do I have to do to see you?
“……Darling!”
Don’t wake me up.
“……You crazy bastard!”
The voice became clearer and clearer. The eyelids I didn’t want to open were slowly lifted. Bright light poured into my eyes, and I squeezed them shut. My eyes hurt so much. It was several times more painful than in the dream.
“Kwon Yi-tae! You crazy psycho! Are you coming to your senses?”
“…….”
“Do you know how many times you’ve been carried here like this?”
“……Ah.”
“Ah?”
Lee Hyun squeezed the pillow tightly, bursting with frustration. As if he wanted to smash my head with it. If I covered my face with the pillow, could I die?
I regretted not being able to.
“Why did you come?”
“You would have died if it weren’t for me. ……Seriously. Why are you doing this? What’s wrong! You’re not in your right mind. Go to the hospital! Psychiatry or whatever. You’re really going to die if you keep this up. Huh?”
Belatedly, memories slowly seeped in. I swallowed two sleeping pills because I wanted to see Gyeoul. I lay neatly on the bed and accepted the oncoming sleep. I was enduring this futile life without even being able to die, not knowing what impact my death would have on Gyeoul.
Now, even that was too much to bear. The thought of you being erased was too terrifying.
“……I think I just slept. I was tired from working overtime. It’s the weekend.”
“Bullshit. I went to see you on Friday. Where are you lying, you bastard!”
“Really?”
I had taken leave from work since Thursday. Because I couldn’t bear the whispering gazes directed at me.
Even though everything was over, the evaluation of me hadn’t changed. Traitor, whistleblower, pretending to have a hard time but secretly sucking dicks behind the scenes.
It wasn’t any of those things. The result of grinding away my body and mind, giving everything, was this. It was a truly…… bitter and miserable ending. In the end, I ran away from the company.
“Darling was sleeping so well, I thought I’d leave when you woke up, but you didn’t wake up. Do you know how surprised I was? You almost died. Do you really think this is a light matter?”
“……Sorry.”
“Haa.”
Lee Hyun closed his mouth, thinking that further argument was wasteful. Probably because he didn’t feel sincerity in my apology.
I couldn’t think about what was important anymore. My thoughts fell deeper and deeper.
I closed my eyes again. I couldn’t picture Gyeoul’s face well. Sadness surged like the rising tide. Lassitude knocked gently on the door.
“Kwon Yi-tae.”
“Don’t call me that.”
‘Kwon Yi-tae’ was not my name. In my hazy mind, I heard Gyeoul’s voice from far away. That voice that coldly called me as if the relationship was completely severed. That chilly sensation. The feeling of my heart dropping.
“Then what should I call you? Yi-tae? Disgusting?”
“……Should I change my name? No. That’s a bit…… much.”
If I changed my name, I wouldn’t be able to hear even this voice. I couldn’t allow that. No voice could cover Gyeoul’s traces. It was painful to think of you, but it hurt more not to be able to think of you.
“I wasn’t going to say anything more, but. Why did you break up with Gyeoul?”
“……Because I messed up.”
It was a period of ennui.
I think I cheated.
……I made Gyeoul lonely and tormented him.
I couldn’t utter any of those words. I was afraid of the criticism that Kwon Yi-hyun would throw at me. Even though it was my fault. Even though I had done something deserving of being cursed, I was afraid of the contempt that would be poured on me.
Lee Hyun stared at me without saying anything. I hung my head low. It was a gaze that seemed to be questioning that it couldn’t be explained with such simple words.
I could feel the desire to help me in any way possible. But I knew there was nothing I could do.
“Tell me more. You became such a fool after breaking up with Darling.”
“……I cheated, no…… It was a period of ennui.”
“Ah. So, the stupid fool cheated because of ennui and got dumped.”
“…….”
“I can’t do anything about this. I want to cut ties with you. You’re not even human.”
There was not a single lie in the language full of criticism. It was as Lee Hyun said.
The beast was me.
Instead of criticizing me further, Lee Hyun shut his mouth and struck his own chest. The breath he exhaled trembled finely. I wanted to pull out the dripping IV and escape from this place. But I knew I couldn’t turn back.
“……Rest.”
“Go quickly. You must be tired.”
“I’m going even if you don’t tell me to.”
Lee Hyun packed his things and then sighed deeply. He swept back the hair that had fallen forward and took something out of his pocket and threw it at me. I stared blankly at the square object that fell on the blanket.
My throat prickled. I swallowed. I couldn’t breathe well, so I pulled at my clothes. Even though it didn’t get better, I gasped and bent over. At that moment, a drop of water fell. It wasn’t raining indoors.
It fell in a flurry. Continuously, endlessly.
I couldn’t see well as if there was fog. Only then did I realize that I was crying. The subtle scent of Gyeoul’s perfume was faintly noticeable, hidden by Lee Hyun’s scent. So, Gyeoul’s…….
“……Th, is…….”
I barely uttered the words with my tightly constricted vocal cords. I couldn’t hear any sound in my ears, which were buzzing. It was muffled as if I was submerged in water. A torrential rain fell on the small world. What if his traces are washed away? I hurriedly covered it with my hand.
“Honestly, I wasn’t going to give it to you. Because I was sure it wouldn’t be good.”
“Why…….”
I lost my language. I barely raised my head and looked at Lee Hyun. He was only showing me his empty back. I was startled that my scent might cover Gyeoul’s scent, so I put the mp3 down again.
“I didn’t meet him on purpose. I ran into him by chance. Gyeoul is doing well. ……So, get a grip.”
“…….”
“I was going to beg him to save you if I ever met him again, but after hearing your story, I can’t. Give up. If you did something trashy, it’s your responsibility to deal with it.”
“……I know.”
I wanted to ask one by one when, where, and how they met. Whether he talked about me, and what Gyeoul’s expression was like at that time. Why he gave this back. I wanted to hear it in detail, but I didn’t have the courage to ask.
“I’m really going.”
“……Thank you.”
“Don’t cry. You’re ugly.”
With those words, he left completely. I looked down at the thing I couldn’t even bear to touch for a long time. I almost fell into the delusion that you missed me after listening to this. Even though I knew it wasn’t true.
My hands were shaking, so I clenched my fists tightly. Like a madman, I buried my head and inhaled deeply. The scent that Gyeoul often used tickled the tip of my nose.
I thought I had lost all desire, but my dick gently raised its head. My half-erect dick was disgusting, but I couldn’t stop the physiological phenomenon.
To be a piece of trash who gets an erection while smelling his ex-lover’s lingering scent in the hospital. How ugly and dirty.
Tears flowed hotly. It felt like my heart had burst. I couldn’t remember what your body was like. I had so much sex, but I couldn’t remember a single expression on your face.
But your voice…….
I hurriedly turned on the mp3 at the sudden memory. Surely, our first sex was recorded here. I had to find you, even if it was just like this.
That day was the beginning of a season when fresh green leaves swayed in the lukewarm breeze. People were starting to take out their summer clothes on the streets. The heat that made sweat bead during the day disappeared at night.
That day was no different from usual.
Gyeoul told me to play at home before it got humid. The next day was a day off for both of us, and it happened to be the day that Summer’s part-time job ended early.
〈Should I buy ice cream on the way in?〉
〈Yi-tae is buying it for me. Okay, thank you.〉
I was on my way home with Gyeoul. Suddenly, I remembered the first summer I spent with him. The wind that tickled my hair felt like it was traveling all the way to my heart.
We didn’t let go of our clasped hands, even though they were hot. I smiled involuntarily at Gyeoul’s cool smile.
〈The weather is cool, and the trees are green…….〉
〈Huh?〉
Gyeoul suddenly said something out of the blue. He often did that, but it was a really unexpected timing.
I blinked and looked at Gyeoul. He kept looking straight ahead without looking at me.
〈The summer has come when ants work hard and grasshoppers sing.〉
〈Yeah, it is.〉
〈Summer has come, Yi-tae. ……So, should we buy a can of beer and drink it today?〉
Was he going to bring up such a long-winded review just to talk about drinking alcohol? That was just like Gyeoul, so I nodded without hesitation. I didn’t really like alcohol, but it felt like it would be okay if I was with Gyeoul.
Gyeoul smiled as if he was satisfied. The deep dimples captivated my eyes. We were already holding hands and walking, so there was nothing to be ashamed of. I put my lips on Gyeoul’s cheek. I could feel the soft texture and warm body temperature.
Gyeoul, who had stopped abruptly in front of the convenience store, hurriedly turned his body.
〈Ah. I’ll buy it. Wait here.〉
〈Aren’t you going together?〉
〈Yeah, I want to make my own choice without listening to other people’s opinions.〉
〈Okay.〉
〈Count how many leaves are on that tree. I’ll come out and ask you.〉
Gyeoul kept saying strange things. But he often did, so I didn’t feel anything particularly strange. I heard a jingle from behind.