By Zephyria 
Time flowed even as I sat still, holding my breath.
“Come in.”
Perhaps because there were multiple exits, I was able to enter the audit office without running into Department Head Kim. The room was like a raccoon den, reeking of cigarette smoke. The stench stung my nose. It was just like the place Department Head Kim occupied: repulsive and ugly.
“Sit down.”
A frigid voice greeted me. I already knew. That they had approached me pretending to be friendly, trying to extract information from me. Yet, I hadn’t been uncomfortable with it because it was the first warmth I had experienced at the company.
“State your name and affiliation.”
The dry tone made my heart seize up. Even though I had done nothing wrong, I felt like a child afraid of being scolded.
“Kwon Yi-tae. Human Resources Team.”
She stared at me silently, then wordlessly slid a photo across the table. As soon as I saw the photo, my stomach churned. The dazzling brilliance of that day, the ear-splitting noise, the snake-like chill of the body temperature flashed through my mind. I felt like I was going to throw up any second.
If I had known this would happen, I shouldn’t have stopped eating porridge.
The mere thought made my whole body tremble. It was horrifying. I had been dragged away without knowing why and thrown into a quagmire, leaving scars that could never be erased.
But the Team leader asked me without any change in expression.
“You know that the project Manager Kwon was in charge of at the beginning of this year was a large one, worth 100 billion won, right?”
“……Yes, I know.”
“How did you select the company?”
The sound of a pen tapping echoed. Selecting a company was quite easy. I would compile a list and take it to the Team leader, who would then push me into the fire, telling me to go see the Head of section. And then the company was selected at Department Head Kim’s whim.
Can I really say that I have no responsibility here?
“……Department Head Kim selected a company from the list.”
“Did you simply carry out your superior’s unfair instructions? Or was it on the selection list?”
“It was on the list.”
“How did you find out about the company?”
I couldn’t remember well. I closed my mouth and stared at her silently, as if the answer was on her face. But nothing came to mind. Had I heard it from the head of a partner organization? Were they among the people who had dinner with Department Head Kim?
“I don’t remember. But it was a company that met the established selection criteria.”
“Is that so?”
The Team leader, after a long pause, tossed the documents aside. But the truth was one thing: unless they were trying to find any excuse to bring me down. The path ahead was a swamp. I had a feeling that if I took even one wrong step, I wouldn’t be able to get out.
“What’s certain is that everything will be in the USB I gave you.”
“Yes, I saw it. There’s enough evidence to warrant leniency even if there’s suspicion of collusion.”
“……”
The Team leader leaned towards me. Her jet-black eyes gleamed like glass beads. The corners of her lips were raised, but she didn’t look like she was smiling at all.
She was thoroughly suspicious of me. With conviction. She wanted to prove that I was in cahoots with Department Head Kim, no matter what. Even though I had been unfairly bullied by him. That was a fact that was being overlooked. It felt really dirty.
Nowhere could I be trusted.
“To be honest, Manager Kwon, this incident won’t cause you any disadvantage.”
“Yes.”
“I’ve also heard reports that you didn’t leave that position voluntarily. Of course, there was one person who said otherwise.”
Why was she telling me all this in such detail? To reassure me? No way. I deliberately put eye drops in my dry eyes. I was tired. Just… tired, really.
“What do you want to say?”
As I blinked, water dripped down. My blurry vision cleared in an instant. I could see her expression clearly. And so, the contempt in her eyes poured down on me.
“Can you honestly say that you didn’t benefit at all from working with Department Head Kim?”
Benefit. What a funny word. Department Head Kim had opposed my promotion, but I barely managed to overturn it with my performance, and the daily overtime wasn’t even reflected in my salary. To lose everything and be treated as if I had benefited.
I laughed in disbelief.
“I guess the problem was that I didn’t report workplace harassment.”
At my indifferent answer, she leaned back. A sigh echoed loudly in the small room.
We were talking to each other showing our true colors, but we weren’t making much progress. Since she didn’t believe me, nothing I said mattered.
“……I’m sorry. I crossed the line. But I can’t believe it. Manager Kwon, you worked under Department Head Kim the longest and were the most trusted. It doesn’t make sense that you didn’t receive anything unlike Department Head Kim’s line, who benefited billions of won.”
“Trusted?”
“I misspoke. Can Manager Kwon believe that there was no reason to endure being insulted like that?
“……”
That’s right. Why did I endure it?
I just thought I had to be in that position. The pay was good for a public company, and with that money, I could give Gyeoul better things. But somewhere along the line, the priorities had been reversed.
If I had known this would happen, I should have quit a long time ago.
“I didn’t want to mention the deceased… Woo Young-geol also volunteered to apply. This was also revealed during the investigation.”
“……Ah.”
“He was in Department Head Kim’s line.”
My eyes stung. The world I had believed in was slowly falling apart. No, it had already been shattered since I lost Gyeoul, so why had I been holding on until now?
For what, I wonder.
……I should quit.
I had to escape forever to a place where there was no trace of them. I had a strong conviction that that was the only way I could endure it.
∗ ∗ ∗
I met Gyeoul in a dream.
After ending the long, cold season, skipping the refreshing spring, and arriving in the hot summer, I held your hand again. You smiled sweetly, as if you had never despised me, and called my name.
‘Yi-tae.’
‘Yeah, yeah.’
I wagged my tail like an obedient dog. My heart was beating fast. I was no longer ‘Kwon Yi-tae.’ I was spewing out affection like a runaway train towards you. Because if you accepted even a little bit, I could do anything.
‘Do you love me?’
‘I love you. I love you so much. Gyeoul, I love you.’
It felt like I had become someone who could only say ‘I love you.’ I wanted to take out this heart that I had built up like a tower and put it in your hands. So that you would never let go again. I wanted to wind the long red thread around our fingers so that there would be no gap between us.
Gyeoul smiled brightly at my words.
‘Me too.’
I realized it was a dream at your short words, but I didn’t want to wake up forever. It was sweet.
If everything ended at this moment, I felt like I could die happy. I took Gyeoul’s hand, which was holding mine, and put my lips on it. I couldn’t feel anything.
Because Gyeoul, who whispers love to me, will only exist here.
‘Gyeoul.’
‘Yeah?’
‘Is there anything you want?’
And I will give you everything I have. As if that is my destiny.
At my words, Gyeoul frowned. He seemed to be thinking hard. Somehow, he looked blurry, as if he was far away. This was… proof that you were slowly being erased. Gyeoul, who was alive and breathing inside me, was slowly evaporating.
Even though it was a dream, I couldn’t breathe well, so I gasped and bent over. I couldn’t delay any longer. Right now. I had to die. How happy would I be if I died at Gyeoul’s hands? Then you would remember me forever.
‘Um… a house. No, a car? Money? First of all, a house would be nice, Yi-tae. Isn’t owning my own home a dream that everyone has?’
‘Do you want this house?’
The space twisted and the background changed to the living room. Our house, in your name and mine, proving that we were connected. If you wanted that house, I could give it to you as much as you wanted. Without any compensation. If only I could see your face one more time…
If that day ever comes, I will engrave you in my corneas so that I can never forget you. And I will live forever in the dream with you, who has become clear again. If you allow me, I will live happily in a dream that never ends.
‘Oh, should I?’
Gyeoul smiled faintly. ……This wasn’t the expression. You smiled more beautifully than this.
Smiling along with you, I strangled myself with both hands. Die, please. I can’t be completely satisfied, but if I let go of my life now, I wouldn’t be in pain anymore.
‘But Kwon Yi-tae. I hate you so much. You’re terrible. You’re a horrible person. Ah, no. You walked on your own two feet, didn’t you.’
I should have died before seeing Gyeoul, who had turned so different. I failed again.
This time, I stabbed myself in the eyes. In the dream where I couldn’t feel anything, my eyes burned hotly. Finally, I couldn’t see Gyeoul.
But soon I regretted this decision as well. It would have been better to see Gyeoul, even if he resented me. More than not seeing you. That was less painful.
By his side. It would be happier to see your face while paying the price for my sins. So this choice was wrong too. Then how can I be happy?
Selfish as it may be, I wanted to be happy with you, at least in my dreams.
Please. Please… resent me. And don’t leave me. Push me into hell with your hands by my side. I will gladly accept any punishment you give me.
I cried in the darkness where I couldn’t see anything. My heart was torn out. My ears were cut off, and my hands disappeared. All the senses that could feel Gyeoul were blocked. Now I couldn’t even know if you were there.