By Zephyria 
“Yeah. What else could I do? I couldn’t even go to work. I just said I wasn’t feeling well and needed to take sick leave. But my boss was being a real pain in the ass. Asking how sick I was, if I needed to go to the hospital, if he could talk to me directly. Oppa, are you being bullied at work?”
“…It’s nothing like that.”
Is quitting really the right thing to do?
Actually, I don’t even know why I need to work so hard to make money anymore. I guess I could live off my savings for a while.
I was making money to be happy with Gyeoul, but how did things end up like this? When did I lose my sense of direction in life and start wandering like this?
I barely managed to contain the laughter that escaped. I could feel Lee-hyun looking at me strangely. She was frowning like she was looking at a crazy person.
“Hey, I wasn’t going to ask, okay?”
“Then don’t ask.”
Even as I replied coldly, I roughly prepared an answer for the question she was about to ask. Revealing my flaws to my family was scary, so I turned my head to look out the window. But Kwon Lee-hyun wasn’t the type to not ask just because I was avoiding it.
“…Did you break up with Gyeoul Oppa?”
“Yeah.”
“Did he dump you?”
“…Yeah.”
“I knew it.”
Thankfully, my sister didn’t ask anything else after that. Why we broke up, whose fault it was. Considering how many years we were together, she had every right to be curious.
Lee-hyun turned around and started packing her things. How long was she planning to stay that she brought a separate bag? There’s so much work piled up at the office… I guess she’ll figure it out.
“I think I can be discharged now.”
“Yeah, you’ll die if you do that.”
“How long do I have to stay?”
“At least 3 days. But the doctor recommends a week or more as the best option.”
My sister, who wasn’t particularly skilled, was haphazardly shoving her things into the locker. As I quietly watched her, I suddenly remembered Gyeoul hanging his clothes all over the chair and couldn’t help but laugh.
Why now?
I covered my face with my dry hands to hide my laughter. I wouldn’t stop the thoughts from flowing anymore. Thinking of Gyeoul. And remembering that I was in those memories.
Suddenly, the pit of my stomach started burning again. I covered my mouth with my hand and quickly got out of bed. I didn’t have time to go to the bathroom, so I grabbed the black bag on the side table and buried my face in it.
Saliva streamed from my mouth. Lee-hyun’s rough hands pounded on my back haphazardly. It hurt so much that tears came out. I choked, spat out the long string of saliva, and leaned weakly against the bed.
The plastic bag was messily stained with red gastric fluid. I didn’t want to show it to Lee-hyun, so I quickly tied the opening and threw it in the trash can.
“I’m okay.”
It was a reflexive response. I wasn’t okay at all, but I didn’t want her to worry.
Would things have been different if I had the courage to tell Gyeoul? That Head of department was bullying me, that a subordinate was threatening me with his life. That it was too much to bear, and you felt like a burden, so I acted that way.
That I didn’t not love you.
“Get a grip. You’re not getting discharged now, you have to stay in bed for a week. Got it?”
“…Stop it.”
“Showing off. Ugh. I’m going to tell the nurse. Rinse your mouth and lie down. Mom will be here soon.”
Lee-hyun left the hospital room before I could stop her.
The lingering, unpleasant taste of blood on my tongue made me get up and head to the bathroom.
I cupped my hands and poured water into my mouth. The series of rinsing and spitting was annoying. I didn’t have much strength in my hands. Was it because I had lost my sense of direction in life?
I don’t want to live.
Whenever negative thoughts surfaced, I didn’t take any action and just watched them. Unmanageable thoughts that couldn’t fall back down or float up.
How did Young-geol find the courage?
I scooped up another handful of water and shoved it into my mouth. At least I wouldn’t write Gyeoul’s name in my will. Because Gyeoul wouldn’t want that kind of ending.
How would Gyeoul react if I died? Would he mourn my death? Or would he just think it was a relief? Or would he miss me?
If I could remain even a little bit of a good person to you.
“…I want to.”
“What?”
“I said I want to eat porridge.”
Lee-hyun, who was somehow behind me, asked again, not having heard me. I made up an excuse somehow, and it seemed to work. I couldn’t remember how many days it had been since I had a proper meal.
Is this short-term memory loss?
“I asked the doctor, and he said you should get IV fluids for a while. If anything goes into your stomach right now, you could die. It’ll hurt too much.”
“Then I just won’t eat.”
I answered appropriately. Then Lee-hyun nodded appropriately.
I need to let it flow smoothly. Calmly. As if nothing happened. Then this feeling will sink back down. And then everything, everything will be okay.
I lowered my head and splashed cold water on my face. I was able to hide it before my eyeballs became stiff and hot. I couldn’t whine that it was this hard. Gyeoul must have been in more pain than this, right? I’m having such a hard time after breaking up because of my mistake.
I rubbed my eyelids roughly. This way, even if my eyes are red, she won’t think it’s strange. Lee-hyun patted my back without a word. Somehow, my back hurt like it was filled with emotion.
“…It hurts.”
So I could just blame Kwon Lee-hyun for the tears that were falling now. For hitting me so hard. Because it hurt so much. So…
“Bullshit.”
Lee-hyun’s quiet voice echoed. Only then did I burst into tears. It was my stomach that was torn, but my chest hurt. It hurt so much that I couldn’t stop the sobbing.
∗ ∗ ∗
Quite a few parts of my daily life changed. My mom and Kwon Lee-hyun visited more often. And my overtime work decreased, and Head of department’s face turned dark. Many things went strangely.
The executive barging in and yelling at me, a new female employee coming into Woo Young-geol’s empty seat, Head of department cutting off all attention to me.
Thanks to that, my stress decreased, and the pain in my stomach got much better. Just Head of department disappearing from my life made it easier to maintain peace.
Even if I pulled all-nighters sometimes, it didn’t bother me anymore. Of course, my parents’ and Lee-hyun’s nagging increased, but even that was okay.
Because it didn’t give me time to fall into other thoughts.
Kwon Lee-hyun
[Overtime again?]
[How much is your salary, Oppa? Show me a little.]
[If you can’t get paid that much, quit. You can somehow find another job. Or ask Mom for some money.]
[Don’t live like that.]
What does it mean to live like that?
I actually like now, when I can’t think about anything. I’m not overwhelmed anymore. I’m not struggling, I’m not burdened, I don’t want to die. Is this happiness? I don’t think it was. I couldn’t remember what a happy feeling was like.
Mother
[Yi-tae, you are my proud son. You have never not been. Just as the wind rests on the branches, why don’t you rest when you’re having a hard time? The falling of maple leaves is just preparation for new shoots in the spring. You’re not falling behind, and you’re not doing anything wrong. Mom will always be here waiting. My son. It’s okay to quit if it’s hard. Let’s spend some quality time with Mom. Relationships may pass by, but the embrace of family is forever. I’ll be waiting, son.]
I didn’t know how to respond to this long text message. My heart was broken, and there was no emotion or sadness. My emotions seemed to have stopped, and even in the words trying to comfort me, I was being pricked by the thorns I had created myself.
What should I reply?
“No, what’s going on?”
“It seems like Head of department Kim has a big problem.”Wow.”.. Is that why he looks so pale?”
The whispering voices came through the noise in clear pronunciation. Suddenly, I had a bad feeling.
People with name tags rushed in with blue boxes. The sound of the floor and shoes colliding echoed loudly. The people who had been chattering shut their mouths.
It was an unscheduled visit. They approached Head of department precisely. His face was pale blue. If he hadn’t done anything wrong, he would have been confident. I couldn’t feel any emotion as I watched him.
So the reason he wasn’t harassing me was because he was in danger.
“Head of department Kim Min-soo. We need you to cooperate with an investigation regarding illegal solicitations and acceptance of money and valuables.”
Would it have been less embarrassing if there had been contempt in their eyes? Their gazes were very cold and extremely businesslike.
Head of department’s face turned bright red. He breathed roughly, but didn’t say anything.
The Audit Team Leader’s team members quickly moved the documents from our department into boxes. I put down the phone that I hadn’t been able to reply to my mother with.
An Audit Team member approached me.
I didn’t have to bow down to them. Even if I got fired because of this, I wouldn’t be worried at all. Even if I was the one being taken away.
But their thoughts seemed to be different from mine. He sighed deeply in front of me.
“Head of section Kwon Yi-tae.”
“Yes.”
I turned my chair to face him. At that moment, my eyes met with Head of department, who was passing by. He stared at me intently and then quickly turned his head away. Why did he look at me now?
Goosebumps ran up my arms to the top of my head. Suddenly, a memory came to mind. That day when I was throwing up and crying. Those moments that were so dirty and painful that I wanted to run away flashed by.
Could that have been… a solicitation?
“We would like to ask for your cooperation in the investigation.”
“…Yes.”
It seemed that the relationship between Head of department and me, which everyone already knew, would work positively.
I could hear people whispering about me from behind. My neck stiffened as if I was nervous without realizing it. No, maybe I was angry. My stomach was boiling hot.