By Zephyria 
“I don’t understand a word you’re saying.”
It was obvious she was lying. Which was probably why all her tracks had been exposed.
Instead of speaking, I turned on my phone. I pressed play on the video I always kept backed up. It was an old video, so the quality wasn’t great, but it was enough to recognize who it was.
I slowly placed it in front of her. The woman stared blankly at my screen. At first, she looked bewildered, but her expression gradually hardened. Her lips began to tremble. It must have been the first time she’d seen herself like that.
She couldn’t take her eyes off the screen, completely shocked.
“You really don’t recognize it?”
I didn’t bother turning up the volume. In the low-quality video, a woman was moving, standing with a knife. The middle-aged woman, much older and uglier than back then, stared at it without blinking.
As if tracing some memory. She squeezed her eyes shut as if despairing at her own image.
That day, which had stabbed a dagger into my heart, had returned as a weapon. The video continued smoothly, and eventually, she turned her head completely away. As if she didn’t want to see any more.
“…What do you want?”
“From now on, no matter what happens, don’t ever appear in front of me again. If possible, solve your loan shark problem, even if you have to sell your organs, and leave.”
“……”
“And… return all the money you received from Yi-tae. I know the exact amount, so don’t leave out a single penny.”
“Did he tell you?”
The eyes that had been deflated lit up fiercely when Kwon Yi-tae was mentioned. Had she turned her resentment towards me to Kwon Yi-tae? The woman seemed to have become someone who couldn’t live without blaming someone.
“No. My dad told me.”
I deliberately chose a word that sounded friendly. She saw me as the easiest target and feared my father the most. Yet, she enjoyed terrible deviations. Her eyes lost their light, as if my intention had hit the mark exactly.
Like the eyes of a dead fish. No will or determination.
“…You want me to die too, don’t you? Just like your father did.”
“No.”
Of course not. I had never wanted her to die. At first, it was out of spite, but now I genuinely didn’t want it. Not a single lie was mixed in. It was entirely my true feeling.
“Really? If I die… haven’t you thought about that?”
“If you die, the loan shark debt will pass on to me. Pay it all back before you die. Please. Your life or death means nothing to me.”
I shattered any expectations she might have had. She probably wanted me to show even a little bit of sympathy.
But there was nothing left to give her. Not money, not emotions. I could give more sympathy to a homeless person on the street.
She finally slowly drank the warm Americano she loved the most. I could see the cup trembling. Seeing it shake since earlier, it seemed like withdrawal symptoms from addiction.
Not because of the heightened emotions caused by me.
“Okay. I understand. Can I just deposit it back into his account?”
“Yes. Today, right now. Then I’ll let this matter pass quietly. If you break my word, I’ll use every means and method to jump into a mud fight.”
At my words, she nodded obediently.
There was nothing more to talk about. But I had enough generosity left to wait until she finished her coffee.
I turned my gaze to look out the window. A hazy yellow dust blocked my view. A sense of frustration washed over me.
In fact, I had even considered responding with an even harsher attitude than this. Because the boundary of being human wouldn’t matter in front of money.
Not many people could maintain their sanity in the face of immediate hunger and the fear of being chased. If she had come out shamelessly without knowing shame, I really would have considered suing her over this matter.
My mouth was bitter. I picked up the cold glass and quenched my thirst.
In the end, there was definitely no such thing as love. Even if there was, it seemed it hadn’t been given to me. Had God omitted me from the list? Then I would have to resent God.
I watched the people passing by and got up from my seat without saying anything. If Kwon Yi-tae received the money back, would he contact me? Or… I didn’t know. There was no way to confirm whether she would fulfill her promise properly.
But I decided to trust her one last time. I didn’t have faith in the parents who gave birth to me, but I had confidence in the pride she loved so much. She was a person who lived with that pride.
I left my mom in that spot and came out of the cafe. Maybe she had executed her strategy well. After resolving to push through, this was all she did.
A foolish laugh escaped. The scent of spring brushed past my nose. Maybe it was just the yellow dust wind. As I slowly tried to leave that place, I felt a vibration in my hand.
Our turtle Head of department
The faint scent of flowers tickled my heart. It felt refreshing. I had a good feeling. I slowly pressed the receive button and answered the phone.
“Yes, Head of department.”
∗ ∗ ∗
Time is so strange. They say it flows at a constant speed, but it didn’t feel that way to me at all. Rather, it flowed very slowly, sluggishly. As if time had stopped because the most important part of my life had disappeared.
Nevertheless, the season was already early summer.
Chronic gastritis had developed into a perforation. When I felt the pain, I realized I was alive and felt relieved. It was so hard that I wanted to die, but I didn’t wish for death. That was… somehow unappealing. Was it because you were still in this world?
I occasionally thought as I looked at the completely empty desk next to me. Was he alive? Or had he escaped from this world like a threat?
The company no longer filled the position he had left. Did they think it wasn’t a necessary position? Thanks to that, my work doubled.
I should have let go of what I couldn’t handle.
White smoke spread like a ghost. I found myself wanting something more even as I smoked the strongest cigarettes in the country. Something more toxic, something that hurt me more. Who was this punishment for? It probably wasn’t a punishment for Gyeoul.
[Don’t sacrifice yourself again. It wasn’t respectful to me. You know?]
I slowly savored the last text Gyeoul had sent last spring. I was flustered by the unknown money deposited into my account, but I received a call from Gyeoul. Asking if the money had been deposited properly.
Even though my lacking parts had been exposed again, I was happy. I was even grateful to God that there was even one more trace of you that I could keep. Even if it was resentment. That was an emotion I had to bear.
Sacrifice.
I recalled the heavy word and inhaled the smoke deeply into my lungs. As if the smoke had reached the hole, I coughed violently. Right. I was alive. I wiped away the tears on my eyes and shook them off.
“Should I quit everything?”
I muttered habitually. It had been a long time since darkness had fallen. I was still working overtime at the company, and there was no way to improve. Was I just going to grow old forever as such an ordinary adult? It was a terrible story.
I gave the plant to a coworker a while ago. When I came to my senses, the leaves were withering brown. It was certain to die if left like this. I didn’t want that. It was a plant that had Gyeoul’s affection. I wanted to keep it alive if possible.
I had to protect even a little bit of the traces. That we had loved. So what we did… was love. When I thought about the love with you, I felt like living a little longer. Even the me who shared love with you would be a trace of you.
I fiddled with the resignation letter in my pocket.
After the company dinner where I writhed in pain while vomiting, the Head of department didn’t express personal feelings to me. But that didn’t mean his attitude had changed. Just thorough neglect. Ignoring. And excessive workload.
It felt like scratching my stomach with my fingernails. Tens of thousands of needles were pricking me. I was still alive.
I stubbed out the cigarette that was burning down to the filter and moved my steps. Having a lot of work might be a blessing. Because I didn’t have to go into a house without Gyeoul.
Even today, I wasn’t alone.
As I took the elevator back to the office, I could hear the people working overtime talking. They were constantly saying something in lowered voices.
“Is it true? How did that happen?”
“I wish I hadn’t known. Doesn’t it feel a bit unsettling?”
“I think he was young too…”
Head of section Lee sipped his instant coffee, regretting something. Sighs could be heard all the way here. I listened to their story as if possessed.
I had a bad feeling.
“Do you know why he quit the company?”
“He suddenly stopped coming and said he quit. He was redundant. You can see it works well even without him. Was he Chairman’s parachute hire after all?”
“What’s the point of talking about dead people? It’s just unsettling. We can’t even know what the truth is.”
Goosebumps crawled up my ankles. Very slowly. A clear intuition flickered. I couldn’t ignore it.
Just as they were about to disperse, I grabbed anyone from the group. I had to be proven that my intuition was wrong. I couldn’t bear it otherwise.
It couldn’t be. Please.
“Excuse me, who are you talking about?”
“Oh, Head of section Kwon. Haven’t you heard the story? Assistant Manager Woo… that’s what happened to him. We just heard the news too.”
My head went blank. Perhaps I had irresponsibly let go of his hand, presuming that he didn’t have the courage to do that. That he couldn’t die even if I didn’t hold onto him by his side. So it wasn’t my responsibility. I even resented him.
It was hard to breathe. An unbearable pain washed over me. I squeezed my eyes shut. The murmuring voices beside me faded away. So, according to her words now…
Woo Young-geol is dead.