By Zephyria For that moment, she felt completely sane. Her single-minded desire to kill me was vividly conveyed. It was no different from standing defenseless before a ferocious beast with its teeth bared. If I turned my back, she would tear at my nape.
It wasn’t that I didn’t think I could subdue her if she lunged. I was just curious about the reason for such clear malice.
〈What are you going to do with that?〉
〈I have to kill the monster I created with my own hands. You are a menace to society. You shouldn’t exist. I have to kill you. You have to die. Only then can everyone be happy. Die. I have to kill you. I can do it. I can kill you.〉
She wasn’t answering my question. She was endlessly muttering to herself, as if it were her destiny. I could feel a certain resolve that I had to be killed because my existence could only bring unhappiness.
Even in this moment, my mind was working keenly. Should I just let that knife graze me? I glanced at the phone filming this scene, rolling my eyes. My birth mother didn’t notice. What she was trying to do now was attempted murder. If things went well, she could go to jail.
Would it be better to provoke her? But I didn’t want to go that far.
My heart stung. I had never expected maternal love even once. I had been raised almost neglected since I was young, but I thought I had lived in a comfortable environment.
Even on family sports days or graduation days when neither of my parents came, or on entrance days when I entered holding the hand of the housekeeper, I was lonely but not miserable.
Even when I found out that I was a life that no one wanted to be born, I wanted to cry, but I didn’t cry in the end. Because I felt like I was losing.
〈I’ll survive no matter what. Don’t worry.〉
Water dripped from my mother’s bloodshot eyes. It was probably the last thing she wanted to hear from me. She must have been wishing for my unhappiness. But this was my sincere feeling.
No matter what kind of person my parents were, Choi Gyeoul himself stood on the foundation of his life. It was entirely my share, so I couldn’t give it to anyone. Because if I moved even one step to the side, I would fall.
〈Die!〉
As if my words were a signal flare, she rushed at me in a straight line. It was advantageous to be injured, even if it wasn’t a fatal area. It was right to report this as domestic violence and erase her from my life. To cut it off completely without leaving any possibility.
Let’s dodge it appropriately.
The sharp weapon, gripped with both hands and swung down, grazed my shoulder. It was slow enough that I could have dodged it properly.
The pain washed over me silently. I got the wound I wanted. The knife seemed to be slightly embedded in the wall behind. It was dangerous to give her a weapon anymore.
I threw the knife far away before the staggering woman could, wondering how hard she had swung it. It was an act possible because there was no one else around. Because there was no one else who could get hurt instead of me.
〈Look. I survived this time too.〉
I pulled up the corners of my trembling lips. It wasn’t easy to stand right in front of someone who really wanted me dead. Even if it was someone I had completely cut off, who could endure that? My heart was melting in real time.
My hands trembled slightly.
I was scared. Learned fear surged up. When I opened my eyes and the front was filled with pitch-black darkness. When I struggled because I couldn’t breathe and finally gasped for air, coughing. When I couldn’t avoid the tumbler flying at me and lost consciousness for a moment after being hit in the head.
I could have really died back then. But even though I knew that wasn’t the case now, my body trembled more and more violently. Something hot welled up.
Complete darkness descended on the house. Only this room, where she and I were, was brightly lit.
〈You’re a monster. A monster… A monster like you came from my womb, my body, my soul…〉
I couldn’t tell if my pupils were shaking or hers were. My body was shaking like crazy. She looked anxious as if she would collapse soon.
In fact, the fact that I, Choi Gyeoul, was gay probably wasn’t that important to her. It was probably that by finding some flaw in me, her suppressed feelings exploded.
You were probably more eager to find a reason why I should disappear from the world. You couldn’t bear the terrible feeling of wanting to kill me with that fragile mind.
Because you believed there was something wrong with me, you no longer suppressed the thought of wanting to eliminate me from this world.
But you and I are already completely separated, so what are you so afraid of?
A question I couldn’t bring myself to ask lingered in my mouth. Did you ever love me? If you never loved me, you must have been unhappy looking at me. If I hadn’t been in your life, would you have loved yourself? I wonder.
〈Let’s stop everything now, Mom, both as mother and child.〉
I can’t undo being born, but maybe I can give up the relationship of parent and child.
I was exhausted. My mind and body were tired. I wanted to go into an empty room and fall asleep for a very long time. Then this complicated feeling would sink back into the depths. Lassitude and resilience washed over me at the same time.
But she didn’t seem to be. Perhaps my words came as a shock to her. She stared at me blankly and then screamed.
〈…How can you do this? My body is completely ruined because of you. Because I had you. Because I gave a name to someone like you… My life ended when I got pregnant with you. Because you’re a monster, because you’re not normal, because you’re lacking!〉
I heard that there was something wrong with her uterus while she was trying to have an abortion. After giving birth, her osteoporosis worsened, and she completely quit ballet, which she had wanted so much. She even told me that herself while drunk. Was that why she hated me so much?
I never wanted anything.
Still, I thought it ended well enough. Suddenly, she sobbed and beat her chest. She didn’t look at me in the end. I had roughly packed my things, so I wanted to leave now. If her suppressed emotions were relieved even a little by hurting me, I was willing to bury everything as it was.
〈…I’m sorry. For being born.〉
That’s why I yielded first. There was nothing I could do with my current status, and any further disputes would only bring me fatigue and hurt. So I was trying to escape without fighting.
She heard my words and jerked her head up. Her fierce eyes shone blue. Her face was completely smeared with tears. Was it because it was an insincere apology? It seemed to have offended her instead.
〈Do you know? Do you know? Just your existence is terrible and disgusting, and I wanted to kill you as you were. I wanted to tear that face that only resembles your father to shreds, and sew up that mouth so it couldn’t open! Do you know? What do you know.〉
She constantly giggled and couldn’t keep her hands still. She swept back her disheveled hair, having swung the knife with all her might.
〈I should have pushed you off the roof. Do you know how many life insurance policies are in your name? If you know, just die! Get hit by a car somewhere. Please, please… I can only live if you’re gone.〉
She suddenly stopped laughing. She turned her face, which had become completely expressionless, towards me. A sad smell emanated from her whole body. It was sickening, mixed with the smell of alcohol. She blinked. Her cheeks were still full of moisture.
Was it my fault?
Once a thought is fixed, it cannot be easily changed. The verbal abuse that had continued since childhood was binding me. No matter how indiscriminate the criticism was, it was impossible to escape. This was a kind of habit.
At that moment, she calmly reached out her hand. She grabbed my neck and pushed me against the wall. The weak force gradually became possessed and only grew larger.
In fact, there were times when I thought it would be okay to die. When the conflicts in the house were getting worse and worse, and the doubt that I could really be loved was eating away at me. I felt like I was about to explode with the desire to give up everything.
Even so.
Now I had Yi-tae. The only person who poured out the only love I had doubted existed in the world was by my side. So I couldn’t die. I had a reason to live.
It was different from the past when I didn’t resist. This much strength was nothing. I wrapped her slender wrist with my generously large hand. And very easily, I took it off.
A look of dismay caught my eye. Was I still like the elementary school student lying under the pillow, waiting for death?
Everything had changed.
〈You have no rights to me. I’m a complete adult now, and you’ve given up on being my parent. I’m only putting up with this much. You told me not to take it, right? It’s a shame because I’m still in touch with my father. This is all my father’s money.〉
She roughly pulled her hand out of my loosely held hand. As if shaking it off.
〈…Leave. Don’t appear in my sight anymore. Or I’ll really kill you.〉
〈Yes. Don’t have a good life, and please be unhappy forever, Madam.〉
We exchanged pleasantries. It was really over. I had escaped from the deep darkness that had been eating away at me. Even though my whole body was in tatters, I somehow felt relieved. I had said everything I wanted to say.
I took my luggage and cell phone as they were and passed her. I had obtained a video of the entire situation. This was my weapon. The last resort to protect me from her had come into my hands like a gift.