By Zephyria “I didn’t think I’d see you again. It’s been a while.”
I plopped down on the chair and offered my greetings. No, it was embarrassing to even call it a greeting. It was no different from picking a fight.
Woo Young-geol raised his head when he heard my voice. His desperate eyes caught my attention. Yet, I didn’t feel the same sympathy as before.
My own life was already too much to handle. To the point where it was hard to endure.
“Hyung……. No, Head of section.”
“Yes, Assistant Manager Woo.”
A stiff atmosphere followed. Woo Young-geol flinched at my cold reply. I wondered if I was taking out my anger on him. Still, I had no intention of changing my attitude. If I wasn’t going to take it back, I should cut it off now.
“Did I, did I…… do something wrong?”
“If we’re being picky, it’s my fault. I couldn’t keep my distance.”
“……Pardon?”
“We were just Hubae who weren’t that close. I’m sorry for making you misunderstand. I’ve never liked Assistant Manager Woo, not even once.”
If anything, I hated him.
I couldn’t bring myself to say that far. Woo Young-geol’s expression completely distorted. Like when he used to be venomous and threaten me. Woo Young-geol’s face, saying he would die if I didn’t hold onto him, surfaced. I wondered how harsh his words would be this time.
I could only hear Woo Young-geol’s rough, panting breath. I wished he would just slap me across the face and be done with it. If it could be resolved with such pain, I would have settled it a long time ago.
“That’s a lie. A lie! You promised to be with me forever. You never really loved me? Really?”
“Really, I didn’t.”
“Then…… then, why did you do that to me? You gave me the wrong impression. You made me misunderstand……. You acted like you would love me, like that…… you acted like that. Huh? I’ll die without you, Hyung. I’m really going to die…….”
“I can’t take responsibility for your life forever. The person who can fix Assistant Manager Woo isn’t me, but your doctor.”
Desperate anger poured out on me. Woo Young-geol couldn’t hold back and poured a glass of water on me. Cold water streamed down my face. I could endure this much. He seemed surprised by his own actions and hurriedly wiped my face with a tissue.
I pushed his hand away. My already soaked clothes were unpleasantly damp and cold.
His expression changed completely sharply. He seemed to have fully realized that I was rejecting him. The desperation from before was nowhere to be found.
This was the Woo Young-geol I knew. Not pretending to be pitiful, but getting what he wanted by any means.
“How can Head of section act like that? It’s you. You killed my mother! Take responsibility! It’s because of you! My life is in the gutter because of you……. So you have a duty to take care of me so I don’t die. Take responsibility!”
He grabbed my collar with crazed eyes and shouted at the top of his lungs. He didn’t seem to care about the attention of those around him. I figured he had deliberately chosen this empty restaurant. He was already ready to lash out at me.
Perhaps, like he said, I had the thought that I should take responsibility for his life, even just a little. How ridiculous. How could I, barely managing my own life, save someone else’s?
A laugh escaped me. Woo Young-geol’s face hardened.
“It wasn’t me. Rather, I was the one being victimized, Assistant Manager Woo. Didn’t you sexually harass me first and get caught?”
I didn’t want to say it that harshly.
I didn’t want to push his already ruined, unfortunate life further down. But if that’s what it took for me to escape, I could do it as much as necessary. Become the villain, and get slapped again like now.
Slap! My face turned with the sound. My lips felt tingly and I tasted blood, as if they had burst.
“You’re not even human. ……Aren’t you, aren’t you sorry for me? My mother died!”
“…….”
I stared at him in silence. Young-geol was startled by my indifferent gaze and stepped back.
We were an entanglement that should never have happened from the start. While I was being dragged around by him, while Woo Young-geol was relying on me with his whole body, I shouldn’t have stood by and watched.
I didn’t have the courage to correct what was wrong, and I’ve come this far.
Instead, we only left each other with bigger scars. If I had refused from the beginning, it wouldn’t have hurt this much. Maybe, like he said, his mother wouldn’t have chosen suicide. But your son would still be gay.
“If you took my family away, you have to take responsibility! It’s not too late now. Say you’re sorry……. Promise you won’t leave me, that you’ll always be by my side…… swear you’ll love me. Then I won’t spread it. That you killed my mother…….”
“Woo Young-geol. I didn’t kill your mother. You know that, you do too.”
He was increasingly stepping into the trap he had dug and believing it was reality. As if he wouldn’t look around anymore. All I could do was tell him to face the truth.
My hands trembled as I felt like I was becoming the villain who killed his mother. My stomach was already ruined from stress, to the point where I couldn’t even feel the pain. I had to cut it off cruelly with my own hands. I couldn’t be his lifeline anymore.
Tears streamed down Young-geol’s eyes.
“Then, who can I blame? Myself? Then, then…… you should have just let me die. Why did you save me back then? Why did you lie that you would be with me forever?”
“That…… that’s my fault. I said it without knowing the weight. But I’m trying to undo what’s wrong now. I don’t have the confidence to be by your side forever.”
“You said it so easily? Forever…….”
I said quietly to Young-geol, who was getting more and more insane. Young-geol shook his head wildly. He covered his ears and screamed. The restaurant lady glanced at us but didn’t come to stop us. I bowed my head deeply as if to apologize.
After a while, Young-geol, who had calmed down, asked.
“……You won’t be sad even if I die?”
“…….”
I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know what answer was right anymore. Honestly…… I didn’t think I would be sad. Not in my current mental state. I would just feel relieved, or not even feel that and just endure the day.
He stared at me for a long time without an answer. Then he got up from his seat.
“Head of section is paying for the meal. I won’t bother you anymore.”
Young-geol left the restaurant as it was. His back looked determined, which made me uneasy. Should I grab him right away? Is it right to sacrifice myself to save him? I don’t have the confidence anymore.
If it’s a choice between two, I won’t choose either.
Young-geol disappeared completely. With trembling hands, I picked up the chopsticks and shoved the food into my mouth. The stimulating taste made my stomach churn and I felt nauseous. I jumped up from my seat, threw up in the bathroom, and came out. It seemed like it had already been a week since I had eaten properly.
If I collapse…… will Gyeoul come looking for me at least once?
Even after leaving deep scars on Young-geol, my thoughts eventually returned to Gyeoul. This was the answer. No matter how hard I try, I won’t be able to love him. And I won’t be loved by Gyeoul either.
I left a fifty-thousand-won bill on the table and got up from my seat. Outside, snowflakes were scattering faintly. Cold snow landed on my nose. Seeing the snow reminded me of Gyeoul. Thinking of Gyeoul soon made me want to die.
My one and only that I missed with my own hands.
White breath billowed up into the sky. I took out a cigarette from my pocket and put it in my mouth. After two fumbles, the lighter lit. The black smoke, like me, warmed my insides. Now I feel a little…… like I can live.
No, I felt like I could live. Relying on just a cigarette.
The cigarettes were getting stronger and stronger. At first, I coughed and suffered even from just one puff. Now, even the strongest ones weren’t enough. In just a few days.
Who can save this broken body? It was absolutely impossible for me. But I didn’t want to leave it to someone else.
If I just go with the flow, I’ll live. If I do that…….
“It’s so far, so far.”
Death was too far away. I wish I had even a little courage.
I picked up my phone and went into the photo album. Among the photos of me that Gyeoul took, I pressed on the photo we took together. I wish I had taken more photos of Gyeoul. Then I could somehow endure the day by looking at your face.
In the photo, Gyeoul was smiling brightly. The me next to him was also smiling a smile that I had now lost. How do you smile again? I tried to lift the corners of my mouth, but I couldn’t smile at all.
I took a deep drag of the cigarette. The harsh smoke permeated my already broken insides, and I coughed. I leaned against the wall and coughed like crazy. I dropped the cigarette, which was barely half-smoked, on the floor and stomped on it.
Yes, this is the end.
Even if I hear any news tomorrow, it won’t be my fault. Even if I’m right, it’s a part I have to endure.
Imitating Gyeoul from one day, I straightened my back and left the place. As if nothing had happened.
Believing that I could somehow survive, I kept walking like that.