By Zephyria It’s not.
I’m the one drinking. Though I’m not so drunk that I’m out of my mind. I couldn’t empathize with Kwon Yi-tae’s feelings at all. I was the one who stepped aside for his new love, so why is he acting like he was dumped?
Shouldn’t he be happy? I could be a little sad, but I thought we put a period on the end of our love together. What changes if he regrets it now?
I kept being conscious of Hyeon-seong in front of me. Even if he’s a close friend, I didn’t know if it was right to show him someone else’s appearance like this without their consent.
Ha. A stuffy breath leaked out as if it were bursting. It must have reached Kwon Yi-tae too.
……No. ……You’re too fine…….
That’s…… the problem.
The words he seemed to add quietly seemed to be caught by the device. I heard the sound of his shirt brushing. Hyeon-seong, who had his arms crossed, leaned back. “Wait.” I said to Hyeon-seong. I had something to say to Kwon Yi-tae. It was a conversation we should have among ourselves.
I turned off the speakerphone, picked up my phone, and got up. As I was about to go out to the veranda, Hyeon-seong grabbed my wrist. “Do it here.” He said to me in a voice devoid of emotion. As if telling Kwon Yi-tae to listen. His intention was obvious.
……Who is it?
“Hyeon-seong.”
Is that bastard at your place? Shit. I’m going to…….
An angry voice growled. Even if I turned off the speakerphone, there was no way Hyeon-seong couldn’t have heard it in the silent space. No matter how I think about it, I think he’s drunk. Or maybe there’s something wrong with his brain and he can’t make good judgments.
But why is he taking his anger out on me? Suddenly, anger surged. Enduring the emotional trash can was only until we dated.
The hand wrapped around my wrist tightened. I glanced at him. His face was full of displeasure.
“Kwon Yi-tae. Do you happen to have a dog at home?”
What’s your relationship with that bastard? You, don’t tell me you’re with him……! I thought it was weird how that bastard was looking at you…….
“Are you raising a dog? My head hurts because there’s too much barking right now. Tell him to shut up.”
Why am I still doing this with him?
There was no end to listing them. Good memories faded much faster than bad ones. The first night I shared with Kwon Yi-tae. Our first date, our first cohabitation……. The last moment, now, came to me more intensely than the endless list of firsts.
This is why I hate being messy after a breakup. No matter how hard I try to leave only good memories, he ruins them so easily. Casually. Those precious things.
“Looks like the puppy is a pretty bad son of a bitch. You need to train him properly.”
Hyeon-seong said as if he was helping from the side. It wasn’t the work of someone who had only scratched the surface once or twice. Does he do this when he’s counseling people usually? I twisted my wrist out of his grip and grabbed Hyeon-seong’s lips. Displeasure was evident in his expression.
I couldn’t sort out what was left with Kwon Yi-tae like this. I wish I had some tape. I’d just stick it on. The tension I felt towards Hyeon-seong earlier disappeared in an instant. Was I mistaken?
I guess just because he’s grown up doesn’t mean his old self has disappeared. He was much smaller than me until high school, so I thought he was easy to deal with. As soon as he entered university, he took a leave of absence after only one semester. The face of the guy who came out on vacation was quite different from when he was in high school. His physique, his atmosphere. He completely shed his childishness.
But now I see that his childish personality is still there.
“Wait quietly.”
I said quietly to Hyeon-seong, keeping my phone away. And I went out to the veranda. Hyeon-seong didn’t grab me again, knowing my warning. I didn’t have separate slippers on the veranda, so my feet were cold. I wiggled my toes and opened the outside door. Cold air rushed into my face. A cold wind blew so hard that my nose stung.
My body trembled slightly from the cold.
“Kwon Yi-tae.”
……Yeah…….
“Aren’t you ashamed?”
…….
“I’m saying this because you seem to be confusing dramas and reality, but we’re over. You agreed too. I told you not to be clingy. ……Yi-tae. Do I really have to bring up that person’s name to upset each other? What do you think?”
Does he think I wasn’t hurt when I said this? There’s no way. Sadness is useless between people who are breaking up, so I just covered it up. With the intention of never bringing it up again. Because wounds will heal someday as time passes.
I gave him everything. I gave him everything I could give. Love, friends, family…… I gave him everything I had. I trusted you that much. Your eyes in love, the lips that spoke of love. I trusted everything, and this is what happened. I pretended not to be, but I couldn’t help but be hurt.
…….
“Okay. I don’t care if you say you love me again. Of course, I don’t think you’ll do that now. A person in love wouldn’t act like that. And I don’t love you. I’ll never love you again. I gave you everything, everything. But you’re the one who threw it away. Am I wrong? Now, please open your damn mouth and tell me. I feel like I’m talking to the air by myself.”
Words of blame poured out. I didn’t want to end it dirty with these words. I didn’t endure it just to exchange these words…….
Just because I laughed it off doesn’t mean all the words I said were light. It was almost a year. I endured it alone for a year. Tracing the beautifully sparkling love with my fingers, I waited for you to come back to me then.
That’s what our love was like. It was the brightest and warmest of all. So I could wait. Even if the long period of ennui ends, and even if I end up craving you every day……. Let’s live together in harmony.
Like a pushover.
Because that’s what love is originally.
……Come home first. Come and…… come and talk……. Get out of that house…….
“Send one million won to my account.”
I’ll send it, should I send it? Then I’ll come home…….
“Two million won.”
I can give you all the money I have……. So please come out, please.
Oh, I really wish you would give it to me.
Was it because it snowed the day before yesterday? The snow, dirtied and losing its color, could be seen through the window. The slippery roads, repeatedly melting and freezing, and the cars crawling slowly on them. The short day quickly pushed in the darkness and disappeared.
Another sigh came out. My breath fogged up in the sub-zero temperature.
I didn’t want to waste my emotions in useless places. It didn’t matter what the truth was anymore. Okay, let’s say I had nothing to do with that person. So what changes? ……It wasn’t that person who made me lonely, it was you who left me alone.
“When should we meet?”
Are you coming out? Come home now, now. Come and…… curse and hit me. Hit me as much as you want……. Rather, I’ll…… I’ll get out of this house. Huh? Gyeoul. Huh? I’m worried…… I’m worried about you.
Am I a pity?
Ah, should I invest my bonus? Coins are difficult, so I should buy a few stocks. Our company’s stocks are too stable, so I need something more aggressive. Something that can completely take my mind off things…….
Just in time, a snowflake fell from the sky. I pushed the screen door aside and reached out. The snow that fell on my palm turned into a drop of water and disappeared. Leaving a trace, and only taking away the cold from me.
“Kwon Yi-tae.”
Or, or I’ll go pick you up now. Uh…… uh. That would be good. Where, where should I go……. Where do I have to go to meet you? Where…….
I heard a loud crash in the distance. The sound of something hitting and breaking followed.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. All the way to the bottom. Calming the churning anger, and to really finish it properly this time…….
Emotions were not helpful. I didn’t feel sorry for Kwon Yi-tae, who was out of his mind, at all. Rather, I felt sorry for myself. Contracting a double lease, the news of the breakup circulating in the company, and being completely exhausted without being able to do anything about my worn-out heart. I felt the most sorry for myself.
That’s why I was even more angry.
“Tell me all your faults.”
……Huh?
“Quickly.”
I gave him a chance to make excuses. Step by step. I wasn’t curious at all, but maybe I could understand. And…….
So, that’s…… I’m not like that with Assistant Manager Woo. Really! I swear I’m not. I’ve never liked her. I, I…… I knew something I shouldn’t have known, well, her parents……. Ah…… so……. It’s because of me that she……. No. That’s not it. I’m sorry for leaving you alone. I’m sorry. It was too much for me then……. No, it’s not that I was tired of you and was with her…….
“Are you done?”
…….
“Do you feel relieved now? Did you make enough excuses to be satisfied? Or do you want to do more?”
……Gyeoul…….
Even if I listen to your excuses, nothing will change.