TLT 32

It was about a month after Gyeoul and I started dating.

Not long after being discharged from the military, I was always eager for Gyeoul. I needed to hold his hand, even just a fingertip, like someone who was anxious when not touching, to endure the desire. Everything felt like a dream. I couldn’t believe it, and sometimes my heart was so full that tears welled up.

Unlike me, for whom it was my first relationship, Gyeoul was skilled. Just when I thought I wanted to hold hands, Gyeoul would take my hand first, and when I thought I wanted to kiss, Gyeoul would hold my cheek and kiss me. I was being led by him. By Gyeoul, who was much more proactive than me.

I just liked it.

Outside the university area, secretly holding hands while walking was basic, and in very dark alleys where no one was watching, we often kissed.

And very occasionally… on streets where no one was around, Gyeoul would hold my cheeks and give me a peck. After the kiss, he would put on a nonchalant smile and act like nothing happened. It was only my job to have my face turn bright red.

It was a sweet and happy time that made my tongue tingle.

Lost in a feeling that my heart would burst. No, I definitely thought it would burst soon. It beat so fast it hurt, and every time, Gyeoul would smile as if he felt good.

He was so skilled and relaxed that I was sometimes jealous of his clumsy days. I imagined it, feeling very sorry that I wasn’t the one he was clumsy with. I was so frustrated that I couldn’t see how ecstatic Gyeoul would be as he became dyed in my colors.

Still, I was overwhelmed.

It was like a dream, so much so that I wished time would stop. Drenched in happiness, intoxicated by love alone. Blinded by love, I couldn’t even see properly ahead.

“If your heart changes later, you have to take me home.”

“…Let’s just live together. So I don’t have to take you home.”

“You sly little thing. You’re confessing even more.”

Gyeoul pushed me abruptly. He still didn’t hold back. I staggered back. Gyeoul looked at me and laughed cheerfully. Gyeoul’s ears seemed a little red.

My heart was much bigger than Gyeoul’s, but I still liked it. The fact that Gyeoul was excited because of me was like a dream. This was definitely a miracle.

On the day the incident happened, we were walking down the street holding hands as well.

I didn’t care who saw us. They were just people passing by anyway, and if we got caught, we could just make excuses. People were originally nosy yet indifferent to other people’s business.

“You don’t… hate how sly I am?”

“No, I like it. Seduce me more.”

Gyeoul glanced around and grabbed my cheek, kissing me on the lips. A smack sound was heard. We would arrive at Gyeoul’s house if we went just a little further. My toes curled. It tickled. I wanted to share something deeper, more intense, out of regret. I was anxious. Gyeoul always had the initiative, but for some reason, I wanted to take the lead today.

Choi Gyeoul dyed in my colors. Just the phrase was so sweet it made my tongue tingle.

If Gyeoul wanted, I could be even slyer. For example, I could even do a surprise kiss.

Still, I held back and walked. I wanted to match Gyeoul’s pace. Like doing it if he wanted to, and not doing it if he didn’t… Just once. Couldn’t I ask just once?

“Then, should we… kiss?”

My throat was dry with tension. We had done it countless times. It was embarrassing to suggest it first. Gyeoul, who had been staring at me for a while as my ears turned red, turned his head.

Gyeoul’s house was only a few minutes away from here, the streetlights were too bright, and people might pass by at any time… There were hundreds of reasons why it couldn’t be done, but I didn’t want to take back what I had said.

Once I said it, my desire became clearer.

Gyeoul, who never backed down, hesitated this time. Uh… I heard him hesitating briefly. Come to think of it, Gyeoul seemed to subtly let go of my hand when we got near his house. As if he was someone who shouldn’t be caught.

No, it was true that he shouldn’t be caught. Still, I felt a little… disappointed. It was like he wasn’t as passionate as I was.

There’s no one here.

I’m confident we won’t get caught… Can’t we do it just once?

I gently grabbed Gyeoul’s sleeve. Gyeoul’s gaze turned to my hand. He was clearly trying to refuse. I could subtly feel the difficulty in his expression. Still, I didn’t want to back down. I wanted to be greedy just for today, just for this one day. It wasn’t for any grand reason.

I found a star in the Seoul sky for the first time in a while, and it felt like a miracle, just like our relationship, so I was just a little more excited.

“…Can’t we?”

“How can I refuse when you act so cute, Yi-tae.”

Gyeoul sighed exaggeratedly. There was a faint smile around his eyes. I liked being seen as cute by him. I liked that he pretended to give in, and my heart felt like it would jump out of my mouth.

They say you become psychologically stable when you’re in a relationship, but I became even more anxious. I was so afraid of losing him because I loved him. I felt like a puppy with separation anxiety. I always wanted to be reassured.

So I acted cute, which I never did. I gently pulled the clothes I was holding little by little. Gyeoul laughed.

“Okay, okay. Don’t rush me. Huh? Put your cheek right here.”

“Okay!”

He grabbed my cheek, which was standing still. And he looked around again. Gyeoul looked somewhat uneasy, but soon Gyeoul’s lips landed softly on my lips.

At first, they touched gently, but gradually his mouth opened. Our tongues mingled, and there was a wet sound. “Eung…” A shameful sound escaped from my mouth. Gyeoul was skilled, and it was hard for me to keep up.

Sticky saliva smeared around my mouth. It was like I could hear bells ringing in the distance. It was blissful and warm…

“…Choi Gyeoul?”

I heard a middle-aged woman’s voice filled with shock. As if she couldn’t believe it, or as if she clearly wanted to deny it. Gyeoul’s body completely stiffened at the sound. The fearful trembling was clearly conveyed to me, who was touching him. Gyeoul was definitely scared.

Our time, which had been flowing peacefully, shattered.

Gyeoul stepped back. It seemed like an instinctive movement. The fear on his face was something I could never understand. Can you be that scared when you see your parents? Moreover, Gyeoul is bisexual.

Shaking pupils and an open mouth. Gyeoul hesitated and rubbed his lips. The middle-aged woman’s face turned white. Gyeoul looked like a child who had been caught doing something he shouldn’t have.

Suddenly, I remembered the secret Gyeoul had told me before. That if they fought, the household would be ruined. I should have asked more about it then. I should have asked if he was okay when the two of them fought. Gyeoul was so bright that I thought it didn’t affect him at all. He must have been in a position where that couldn’t be the case…

Gyeoul was afraid of his mother.

“…Mother.”

“Choi Gyeoul… you, you’re…”

The middle-aged woman, who was trembling so much that she couldn’t speak, suddenly threw her handbag at Gyeoul. The bag, which had sharp decorations, hit near Gyeoul’s eye and fell to the floor.

It was a deadly weapon that could have caused blindness if it had hit wrong. But Gyeoul didn’t even blink, as if it was a daily occurrence, and just stood there and took it.

Like a child who doesn’t know how to resist.

The woman ran towards Gyeoul. In the blink of an eye, she was in front of us. I could feel her breath, panting so hard with anger that it was hard to breathe. Her face, stained with anger and shame, brushed past me and stopped in front of Gyeoul. Fiercely. As if she would devour Gyeoul.

She raised her hand high and slapped Gyeoul’s cheek several times. Gyeoul’s face turned with a huge noise. I was so unprepared for the situation that I just stood there blankly without doing anything.

And again. The sound of impact was loud.

I should have blocked her and taken the hit instead. Gyeoul’s white cheek turned red. Blood was smeared on his lips, as if the inside of his mouth had burst.

Gyeoul stared at the woman expressionlessly, without saying a word or doing anything.

“You’ve finally gone crazy! As if your father wasn’t enough, you’re making me look bad too! Did you think I raised you with such care so that I could become a monster?”

“Would you have collapsed if you had put in the effort properly?”

“Look at how he talks! He looks just like his father… Me, me…”

“I guess I look like him because I inherited my father’s blood. And I guess I have your blood too. Seeing how nasty I am.”

Her lips trembled. The woman, with a pale face, raised her hand again to hit Gyeoul’s face. Sharp fingernails scratched Gyeoul’s face.

Even in this situation, Gyeoul tried not to lose his balance. He took a deep breath. I could see his shoulders shaking. His eyes were red, but he never cried. Like a child who thinks he’ll lose if he cries. His cheek, with blood droplets, was swelling more and more.

I couldn’t do anything in front of her. No, Gyeoul’s hand grabbed my wrist as I tried to step forward.

With very little strength.

In the end, I couldn’t move even a single step. Because Gyeoul was so desperate. There was nothing I could do for Gyeoul, who was crying with his whole body. I wanted to protect him from the world…