By Zephyria It was the moment when I should have waited for his answer. But the inside of my mouth was so salty that I couldn’t bear it. Creak. The sound of the chair being pulled back echoed loudly. If there had been a sound of eyeballs rolling, it would have rolled very slowly, doreuk. Yi-tae’s gaze followed me.
I naturally got up and headed to the refrigerator. I opened the door and took out one of the few remaining bottles of mineral water. The very cold feeling on my fingertips was exactly what I wanted.
“Ah, and.”
“…….”
“Saying let’s have some time apart, begging with excuses, all forbidden.”
I deliberately didn’t turn to look at him. I opened the lid and emptied about half of it in one go.
The face of the other person collapsing was at least not the expression Yi-tae should make. But somehow, I didn’t want to check Yi-tae’s face. Even that wasn’t my share. Even if he collapsed, a cute new partner would probably take his hand and lift him up.
The cold face of my biological mother that I saw when I ran away from home and declared I would cut ties felt less heavy than it did now. That was just a scratch that couldn’t even be called a wound. But if it was someone I had shared my heart with for seven years, any expression would surely return to me as a sufficient wound.
So, I hoped that this breakup would rather remain a turning point in my life.
For me, and for Yi-tae.
“…….”
“We have a lot to do, like writing a contract. Can I turn around? Haven’t you finished sorting out your thoughts yet? Should I give you some space?”
A faint force entered the hand holding the water bottle. Squish, the plastic bottle crumpled. Anyone could see that Yi-tae was the one who ended this relationship first, but I felt like I was the subject of the breakup. And it wasn’t a mutual agreement, but a one-sided ending.
“……Don’t turn around.”
Yi-tae finally opened his mouth. I didn’t bother trying to interpret the tone. As Yi-tae asked, I stood still without turning around.
The white refrigerator door filled my vision like a wall. I think I put a little more money into buying this refrigerator, what a waste. I can’t even take it with me.
I was thinking nonsense when I spoke to Yi-tae.
“Then am I going to keep standing here as punishment?”
As soon as I finished speaking, I suddenly remembered the moment I broke up with my first love.
〈Gyeoul, I think I love you more than you love me, so it hurts my pride. Let’s break up.〉
Hearing those words, I quietly nodded. His expression was stained with hurt, and I couldn’t repay him more than the size of my heart right now. That was my limit.
It was a fully understandable breakup. If I were him, I would have easily gotten tired if the size of our hearts was different. There were things that couldn’t be overcome no matter how hard we tried.
I quietly hugged him. I told him I was grateful that he liked me. I whispered that I liked him with all my best too. He nodded, crying. Adding that he knew that feeling himself, so he was breaking up so willingly.
So, Yi-tae must know the reason for our breakup, but I had the absurd thought that he might not know if I didn’t tell him…
“Uh.”
A belated answer came back.
What did I do wrong that I even have to be punished? I just wanted to break up. Where should I start explaining? What sentence should be used for a breakup that both you and I can understand?
Sparse memories floated on the refrigerator, which looked like a blank white canvas.
∗ ∗ ∗
The first time I noticed the change in Yi-tae was because the frequency of contact had decreased significantly.
No, it was the moment when I finally confirmed with my own eyes that the priority of my texts was gradually being pushed back, even though he seemed to be constantly contacting others. I could no longer deny the fact that you had really changed.
That day was the day I had a dinner appointment with Yi-tae.
I arrived earlier than the scheduled time and was waiting for Yi-tae. I took a seat on a bench under a tree a little far from the store where we were supposed to meet and took out my phone. I left a message to check where he was.
[I’ve arrived. Where is our Yi-tae?]
After sending the text, I huddled up against the chilly wind. Yi-tae didn’t waste time, so I thought he would arrive on time today as always.
Still, when we had just started dating, he would come out more than an hour early and wait for me. Of course, I was the one who told him there was no need to do that, but I couldn’t help but miss the freshness of that time.
My nose was cold from the cold, so I put my hands together and blew hot breath on them. I felt like the trapped breath was melting my reddened nose.
It was the moment when I was quietly admiring the low-lying sunset. I saw someone walking from afar. I had the ability to find Yi-tae wherever he was. So, it was natural to find him at once.
‘Oh… it’s Yi-tae.’
Yi-tae, who was walking towards the store, somehow seemed to have a smile dangling on his lips and was contacting someone. His busy fingers proved it.
I stood still and watched him in a warm atmosphere that I felt like I shouldn’t disturb. Even after 10 minutes, 20 minutes, my phone didn’t vibrate. Even though he was looking at his phone for so long.
The promised time had passed.
Yi-tae didn’t even know that the appointment time had passed and seemed to be pouring all his attention into his phone. He didn’t do that even before he dated me. How long do I have to wait until he realizes I haven’t come?
If it were normal, I would have run to him right away, no matter who Yi-tae was contacting, but somehow I hesitated today. I felt like I had become someone else. Like someone outside the area.
Actually, I felt it last night too.
Yi-tae didn’t even pay attention to me lying on his lap and was absorbed in his phone. It was a very boring evening.
Unlike before, Yi-tae was spending a lot more time looking at his phone. It was a very awkward scene for him. Yi-tae didn’t have anyone he contacted closely, and he thought even contacting was a waste of time.
I stood blankly under the dark night sky where the sunset had passed, not even knowing that my face was freezing in the cold wind. What did Yi-tae say when I asked who he was contacting? …Did he say it was a Hubae who just joined the company? No, did he say it was a colleague?
I was about to ask what kind of conversation was so fun even though it wasn’t working hours, but I stopped myself. I held back because Yi-tae seemed happy for the first time in a while.
Yi-tae finally put down his phone. He was looking around with a stiff expression, as if he was looking for me. The wind, which was still cool even though it was spring, told me that the two seasons had not completely separated.
Something strange that was neither winter nor spring.
The strange thing was that I still couldn’t feel the vibration on my phone. Did Yi-tae not want to find me? I clearly sent a message that I had arrived. At this point, I wondered if my contact information had been accidentally deleted. Without even being read.
I shook off the strange thoughts and forced a smile and approached Yi-tae. Yi-tae found me and waited for me without moving from his spot.
If he asked where I had been so far, I was going to tell him that I had been wandering around and found an angel, and tell him a strange heroic story. So that he wouldn’t feel burdened that he was late. Yi-tae didn’t ask in the end. Where I had been, why I was late. He even missed my stories because he was so busy replying to the frequent contacts.
〈Are you busy?〉
〈……Uh-huh.〉
Yi-tae nodded perfunctorily to my question that I couldn’t bear to ask. I see. He’s busy. I awkwardly turned my eyes away. It was the first time since I started dating Yi-tae that silence was so uncomfortable.
∗ ∗ ∗
If it ended with that incident, I was really going to try to pass it off as if he had a busy job at the company.
Yi-tae was always busy contacting someone, and it could be a very important matter related to a new project. Yes, I tried to force myself to understand that he was working from home. Even though I already knew in my head that Yi-tae, who was thorough in distinguishing between public and private matters, would never do that.
I wanted to trust Yi-tae.
I didn’t want to be betrayed by someone I had once trusted. Even if everyone in the world didn’t know what that meant to me, Yi-tae would know it well. We had walked together hand in hand through the center of that incident. That’s why we believed in us who had overcome that ordeal.
But an incident happened that clearly divided that belief.
It was the time when the season was completely turning into spring. A small blade of grass was born from the stem of Blancso. Even though it was winter, it couldn’t produce new leaves even in the warm house, but finally a small friend poked out its head. I immediately made a date appointment with that as an excuse.
〈Yi-tae, a baby was born to Blancso.〉
〈……What are you talking about.〉
Yi-tae was touching his phone again.
〈You see it here. This tiny blade of grass. We can’t just throw away the miracle of the birth of life like this. This day will never come back. So, how about we commemorate it? I’ll even print out a photo card of Blancso Baby, huh?〉
Yi-tae reluctantly nodded at my excuse. Moving his fingers busily as if he was very annoyed.
But I didn’t give in to such things. Anyway, Yi-tae agreed, and that was enough. Because I believed that our hearts were connected, I thought I could overcome a temporary stop.
If we had a more wonderful, more fun, and more exciting date, that would be enough. There had been countless hardships in our love affair so far, and we had overcome them all in the end. So, I thought that this time too, we could firmly correct our shaken love.
I was so excited about the long-awaited date that I dressed up and went to work. Thanks to that, the Head of department told me that I came to the company to play. I didn’t give in and expressed my determination, saying, ‘It’s an important day to win someone’s heart.’ The Head of department was very impressed with my passionate answer and patted me on the shoulder and encouraged me to do my best. I bowed my head deeply, saying that I would repay that support.
And that night,
Yi-tae didn’t show up at the meeting place.