By Zephyria 
Gyeoul didn’t even get angry after being hit by the trash I threw. I was reminded of you on that summer day, smiling brightly and saying you liked it enough.
Without any sense, my phone vibrated again. The screen lit up, illuminating the surroundings. The content was hidden by my hand. I was actually relieved. I didn’t want to show Gyeoul this pathetic sight… No. I shouldn’t show him. Gyeoul mustn’t hate me because of this misunderstanding.
His gaze turned to my phone. I gripped the phone even tighter. I wanted to hide anywhere. I wondered if that feeling of not regretting it was still the same. My stomach ached sharply.
I couldn’t take my eyes off Gyeoul’s face. The whole world, everything except you, was shaking violently as if I were drunk. Nausea welled up like being on a ship in a sea with fierce waves.
He seemed to be waiting for me calmly. As if he would let any reaction I had flow by indifferently.
Having known Gyeoul for a long time, there were things I could see. A subtle decrease in the affectionate temperature. Your mood seemed a little depressed. The empty rice bowl, and the firm curve still drawn on your lips.
You, a little more mature than in those days, were in front of me. Feeling awkward with me…
“Why, why isn’t it important…”
“Yi-tae, is that really important?”
“…Huh?”
“Me having plans with someone, when I come home. Is that really meaningful information to you?”
Gyeoul’s calm question became a sharp weapon and pierced my chest. I inhaled without even knowing it hurt. He seemed to be asking sincerely, not joking or teasing. Asking if the answer to the question was really valuable to me.
To be honest, yes. There were definitely days when I wasn’t curious. No, there were quite a few. There were days when I pretended to completely forget Gyeoul, hidden by other things… After all, Gyeoul didn’t go out much unlike before, and he always contacted me first no matter what happened… Because he was the only person who would stay by my side even if I acted like that.
…Was it true that I wasn’t curious? Or was it just that Gyeoul told me everything in advance before I even had questions, so there was no need to ask? For the sake of his inept Darling. So, out of consideration in case I was waiting for him to be late. Even though I wasn’t waiting for you.
Cracks were slowly forming under my feet.
Only I was standing on it. You weren’t there. Gyeoul’s world was still so peaceful that it felt strange. It felt like we were in different worlds.
I opened and closed my mouth. Just like a goldfish in a fish tank. No words came out. Only air bubbles popped. I had to deny it somehow. I wanted to convince Gyeoul by saying the obvious truth that you were the most important person in the world to me, and that I couldn’t live a single moment without you. But.
Like a shard of glass stuck in the sole of my foot while walking barefoot on the street, I couldn’t move forward.
“Ah, no. You, Gyeoul. So…”
How could you not mean anything to me? So, that’s…
I was stammering and thinking about what to say next when I felt the vibration in my hand again. This time, it didn’t end with just one, but kept ringing. As if urging me.
Buzz. The vibration sound pierced the strange silence. With a face that must have looked stupid, I hurriedly pressed the volume button. The uninvited guest suddenly scattered and disappeared again.
Gyeoul smiled.
In fact, I couldn’t not know. That I had been negligent towards him, that I hadn’t remembered our 7th anniversary and had stupidly made other plans. And that I had kept putting Gyeoul as a lower priority. It was all my choice. I knew it, but I left it alone. I thought it was okay. I thought you were someone I could treat like that…
He couldn’t not know that he was being treated like that.
“Why don’t you answer the phone? It seems like an important call.”
And…
What if Gyeoul had already noticed all that treatment and was still waiting for me?
“Kwon Yi-tae.”
“…”
If I disappoint you, if you no longer consider me your only destiny. If I’ve already wasted all the chances he gave me. Then, what happens to us?
So, so if all your love has been exhausted, the ending is…
“Let’s break up.”
∗ ∗ ∗
Gyeoul was the child who shone the most brightly under the summer sun. He and I had no acquaintance at all.
His class and my class were located at opposite ends, so there was no chance of us running into each other, and rumors about him often reached our class, but they weren’t interesting. For example, useless news like who he was dating. Perhaps that’s why I didn’t expect to have any contact with him at all.
I could often see him on the sports field during lunchtime.
“Hey! Pass it to me!”
He was always at the center of the noisy boys’ voices. He easily weaved through the kids with his long limbs, dribbling the ball here and there. And he showed off by putting the ball in a cool way. He was a perfect striker. Someone everyone would want.
When I blankly watched that scene, I realized that beautiful youth was a term for someone like him.
Wearing a white short-sleeved shirt and dripping with sweat, he was so handsome that he attracted the attention of the students watching. In particular, he sometimes showed off his well-defined abs by flipping up his shirt, as if he wasn’t even aware of his appearance.
‘Was he trying to get attention?’
He probably was. I didn’t know his personality well, but a vague suspicion arose that he might be. How could he not know when he had such a face? Even the way he stood was like a pictorial.
No matter how ignorant he was, there was no way he wouldn’t know how he looked in other people’s eyes. If he didn’t have any intention, he was born to be a celebrity… I admired him while having such silly thoughts.
Until then, I couldn’t even imagine having any contact with him. Even if we were in the same class next year by some incredible coincidence, I wouldn’t even be able to have a conversation with him.
He and I were different from the start. You, who are at the center, and I, who only hover around the outside, were far apart from the positions we stood in. Like the sun and the earth, we were beings that shouldn’t get close to each other.
Nevertheless, when I saw him smiling brightly, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I wanted to see that beautifully smiling face up close… A silly thought popped up.
“…Uh.”
He still didn’t know me, but I, who already had the highest level of inner intimacy, could recognize him even by his doll. As soon as I found him, I stopped dead in my tracks, making a stupid noise. He didn’t think it was an exclamation directed at him and was rummaging through his workbook carelessly.
It was the first time I had found him at the academy I had been attending for a long time.
It took less than 10 minutes to walk from school to the academy. If I walked slowly after finishing night self-study, I could arrive earlier than the class start time. I would always put my bag in the seat I usually sat in and go to the bathroom.
Today was no different.
He was sitting next to me out of all the many empty seats. He must have seen that there was a bag there. I felt awkward even breathing because I was unnecessarily conscious of him. I felt like I was breathing wrong. If my breath leaked out and caught his attention, I felt like I would freeze completely.
‘Why is he… here, eh?’
The confusion must have been all over my face, but I didn’t know how to hide it. I barely dragged my heavy body to my seat.
I imagined taking my bag and going to another seat, but if I did that, he would look at me strangely. Like misunderstanding that I hated him…
I didn’t want him to misunderstand me. And a little bit, I didn’t want to move. I wanted to observe him from the side. I just… had a little curiosity. I wondered how a kid with this kind of personality would act.
How do I sit?
Even breathing was awkward, so there was no way moving wouldn’t feel unfamiliar. I barely creaked and sat down. His face, which had looked bored, suddenly turned towards me. His eyes, sparkling with curiosity, were fixed on me. His gaze flickered. My heart was beating a little faster. Like someone who was very nervous.
I felt like I had to say something. I wanted to live up to that expectation. Without even knowing what to say, I blurted out anything. In a slightly pathetic manner.
“Uh… hi?”
“Hi!”
He greeted me with a bright smile, as if he had been waiting for me to talk to him. The dimple that formed deeply on one cheek caught my eye. A cool, soapy scent wafted from him. How could that be? I saw him playing soccer at lunchtime today. Shouldn’t he usually smell like sweat?
I lowered my head to hide my trembling gaze. I’m embarrassed. The back of my neck was burning hot. I was embarrassed, and the silence was awkward. Would it have been better if I hadn’t talked to him? I could feel his gaze, but I couldn’t say a word. I can’t even lift my head, so what…
“You know.”
He suddenly threw out a topic first. It felt indifferent yet friendly. I was still looking down, only slightly turning my eyes towards him. Gyeoul leaned his face over the desk and was staring intently at my face.
I just closed my eyes tightly. How stupid must I look? Even if I’m shy, there’s a limit.
…I’m so embarrassed.
“U-uh…”
“You’re from class 1, right?”
“Huh? U-uh…”
I must look really stupid right now, right? The only word I could think of was “uh.” And nodding my head frantically. I wanted to run away into a mouse hole.
The kid I had been hiding and watching from across the window was talking to me in front of my eyes, so I was completely out of my mind. It felt like a celebrity from TV had popped out and was talking to me.