By Zephyria 
TLT 12
So that’s what it was. I guess you’re going on a trip tomorrow. And it’s even an overnight thing. It’s pointless since we’re breaking up today anyway, but I was a little sad that our 7th anniversary meant nothing to Yi-tae. Whether he knew it or not.
In the end, it was that person again. The coworker who needed care because he had so many worries.
I was too used to this situation where that person cut in. Yeah, I’d experienced it too often. The way I was gradually being pushed aside by that person.
I tried not to show any emotional turmoil on the outside. Instead, I just tried to think of trivial resolutions, like making sure I finished my meal before we parted ways.
‘I can move my stuff tomorrow. Yi-tae won’t be home either.’
I tried to continue the awkwardly paused words. For some reason, Yi-tae’s eyes, as they met mine, seemed to tremble ever so slightly, constantly. I averted my gaze, afraid that I too would waver at his inability to calm down.
Yi-tae was like a Mirage that I couldn’t reach no matter how hard I tried to grasp him. He undulated endlessly, making it impossible to even discern his form. Because I couldn’t see him, I couldn’t interpret his emotions.
“The new owner here is a master chef. He’s good at making spicy ramen and stuff like that. It’s fine if it suits your taste, but… don’t order from here too often.”
It was like talking to a child who was about to be left behind. Like a soulless worry, assuming we wouldn’t see each other again.
I completely averted my gaze from Yi-tae and started eating. I didn’t like this feeling at all.
I preferred a complete, severed full stop to an ambiguous ending. A relationship where neither of us had any feelings left, so we wouldn’t look back even at the moment of parting. I wanted to remain as people who wouldn’t even wave goodbye.
I was frowning and concentrating on savoring the side dishes when I heard an urgent, hurried voice. There was only one person in front of me, so of course it was directed at me, but I was taken aback by the unfamiliar tone that was so unlike him.
Was it because it was so unexpected? I stopped eating and looked at Yi-tae. I subtly relaxed the muscles in my brow. Even though Yi-tae knew me well, I didn’t want to give him any room for misinterpretation, even the slightest.
“Are you… are you busy tomorrow?”
“Yeah.”
I answered without hesitation. Even if I wasn’t busy, I wouldn’t be spending it with you. We’re ending today. Forever.
Yi-tae’s sudden question was both ridiculous and a little disconcerting. Wasn’t it agreed that we wouldn’t ask each other about things like this? Or was he just saying anything because he was too embarrassed by the situation?
Well, I guess it is a bit much. Being caught going on a trip with someone else by your partner, who you haven’t even broken up with yet. And on your 7th anniversary, no less. That’s… like a human garbage, Yi-tae. Ah, so that’s why. You want to find a reason to blame me, too, somehow.
Under the quiet silence, Yi-tae, who didn’t miss my gaze, must have figured out the trajectory. He could easily deduce that I’d seen a preview. So was he trying to make up for it somehow? Because he didn’t want to be remembered as such a selfish person?
“…Why….”
“Yi-tae, stop.”
I drew a long line in front of Yi-tae’s inappropriate desperation. A firm warning not to cross it.
Even though I was looking him straight in the eye, there were things I could see. Like the rice bowl that hadn’t decreased in size at all, or the slightly parted lips. I noticed that you were hurt by my answer, but I wasn’t curious about the excuses you were going to make. It would all end if we both treated tomorrow as an equal day.
Like an ordinary day with nothing to commemorate. A day that didn’t need any further comment. That’s how it had to be made. Because once we broke up, it would become just an ordinary day with no meaning.
I raised my index finger to my lips. Actually, I wanted to block Yi-tae’s lips, but I didn’t think we were at that stage anymore, so I didn’t.
This is a bit out of the blue, but Yi-tae’s lips were fluffy. Like a mouse pad cushion, they sank softly when pressed. That’s why I liked them even more. I barely managed to turn my eyes away from his lips. Yi-tae still looked confused.
That emotion was evident in his hesitant voice.
“By any chance… do you know it’s our 7th anniversary….”
“I knew.”
Instead of Yi-tae, who was acting like he’d lost his words, I nonchalantly threw out the next sentence. His plump lips were instantly crushed. His right hand was already gripping the phone, its screen turned off, tightly.
That didn’t make what I’d seen disappear. Our memories were still on the chopping block, and the miserable form of love I’d experienced was being sliced away.
I put the last spoonful in my mouth. The pure white rice was mixed with glutinous rice, so it felt very sticky. Even if the seasoning skills were terrible, the new owner was better at cooking rice.
Before I finished chewing all the rice, I quickly scooped up a generous spoonful of warm bean sprout soup and put it in my mouth. The moment I ate it, my body felt warm, as if this place were a warm South Pacific island. Ahh. I let out an exclamation without realizing it. My mood instantly lifted. Had my heart been frozen because I’d been meeting his eyes for too long?
I neatly placed the spoon down. The clean, empty rice bowl looked just like my heart, which no longer contained anything. But someday, it would be filled with new things. Things that had nothing to do with Yi-tae.
“Hey, Yi-tae.”
I tossed the words at him, who was still blank. Instantly, a different light flickered in his eyes. His gaze became clear as he looked at me, as if he were expecting something.
“Should I report it on the news? I must have turned into a Mongolian all of a sudden. I even saw that you had plans tomorrow.”
“…I don’t have plans!”
Yi-tae urgently denied my words. He hadn’t shown such a flustered expression often as he got older. It felt new, like the summer day when I first teased him.
Yi-tae, wearing a pure white shirt and dripping with sweat, shook his head wildly at my trivial joke. Just like now, completely flustered. I still vividly remember the water droplets that fell onto the dirt of the playground.
There are memories that are drawn refreshingly. Things that we could keep if we broke up cleanly. As long as we didn’t blame each other, argue over who was right and wrong, or cling to each other, begging to love again.
And I was going to protect that. Because it was the most shining thing among the memories I had.
“Eat your food first. There’s no need to deny it that much. I have plans tomorrow too, anyway.”
Strictly speaking, I didn’t have any. If it was a promise with myself, then that must be a promise too.
I wanted to quickly shove the remaining rice into Yi-tae’s mouth, grab his head and chin, and force him to chew. I stared silently at his mouth. When was it going to open?
Ah, I told you to put on some lip balm. Look, it’s chapped again. You’re not taking care of your face just because you’re an old man now. You think I’m a fish you’ve already caught, huh.
I suddenly thought Yi-tae was handsome.
Well, he was good-looking even when he had a buzz cut, so how much more handsome would he be now that his hair had grown out? I didn’t like Yi-tae because of his face, but I often thought that his cool-looking nose was really well-made.
Sometimes when I looked up at his face from below… Ah, I should stop, these imaginings. Thinking about sex when we’re about to break up. I crossed my legs and readjusted my posture.
Thinking about our first sex, which was a complete mess, I’m almost an expert now. Who taught me all that? I worked hard getting my dick pounded for someone else’s benefit. I didn’t even get to use it properly… or did I? I used it well. Then that’s enough, I guess.
I was staring blankly at his face without even realizing my mouth was open, when it suddenly occurred to me that Yi-tae was too quiet. His lips weren’t moving, and he wasn’t talking either. I slyly raised my eyes and met his gaze. His eyes, filled with unfamiliar anger, were clear as they stared intently at me. So much so that it felt like he was glaring.
Yi-tae’s lips twitched.
“…Me too?”
“Huh?”
“Why, me too…? Who are you meeting tomorrow?”
An unexpected blade of accusation was directed at me.
∗ ∗ ∗
In the end, I ended up dumping my filth on Gyeoul.
I didn’t want to do this. I wanted to throw my phone and smash it right now. Even though what’s already happened can’t be undone. Why did he have to contact me now…?
I was so happy that it was the first time in so long that Gyeoul and I were facing each other and eating a meal that I was breathless. Even though it wasn’t something to be so happy about. Eating a meal with your lover, even living together, what’s so special about that that makes my heart flutter so much?
It hadn’t been easy to run into Gyeoul these past few days. Even though we lived under the same roof. The sun set early, and even when the long night began, Gyeoul rarely came home. Like he’d abandoned me and left. Like I was no longer important to him.
In the meantime, my delusions became increasingly intense and specific. My imagination collided with my situation and reached its limit. Maybe….
‘Me too, he says. Me too? Who are you meeting so often? What are you doing that makes you come home so excited and exhausted? Are you perhaps… meeting someone else besides me? Are you meeting and doing those kinds of things? Gyeoul, how could you do this? Who the hell is that bastard? What’s your relationship?’