By Zephyria Gyeoul didn’t give me any time to sink into sentimentality and moved busily.
Our first house was much smaller than this. One room, a living room and a kitchen. One bed, too. We endured, pressed close together in the cramped house. But it was good.
This house was twice as big as that. It was hard to compare it to an apartment since that was a separated studio, but the feeling was similar. Though it couldn’t compare to the last house we lived in together.
He led me into a small room. He seemed to be trying to point out the good things, like a real estate agent. I felt a growing distance, but even this I had to accept gladly.
“This is the room you’ll be using from now on. Originally, we were using it as a dressing room, so I’ll clean it out tomorrow. I’m going to go wash up, so make yourself comfortable.”
Gyeoul left me as if his role was over and went into the bathroom.
I couldn’t move an inch from where I was standing. The sound of water falling to the floor reached my ears. It was just a trivial bit of everyday noise, but it felt so stimulating.
All I have here is my body. My legs trembled. I saw a piece of black fabric sticking out from the gap in the drawer. I squeezed my eyes shut and quickly turned away.
My cheeks flushed. To be surprised by something like this now, Gyeoul would tease me about it for ages.
The only place I could go was in front of the painting in the living room. The bedroom was an extremely personal space, and the dressing room was just dangerous. Very dangerous.
Moreover, everywhere was filled with Gyeoul’s scent, and my mind was getting dizzier and dizzier. At least this gloomy painting calmed my floating mood.
Did my love turn your love to ashes like this? Not even hung up, but propped up on the floor. Come to think of it, he said he went to an exhibition. Was he with that person? I thought he was working late because he was busy, when did he go…?
My heated body slowly cooled down. This clothes, that painting, too. Now Gyeoul had more of other people’s things than my traces.
The sound of water stopped completely. Now Gyeoul would dry himself, apply lotion, and get dressed. He always did. I stared at the painting, as if painted with black ink, and got up. Somehow, I felt like he wouldn’t like me being like this.
My eyes went there, but I forcibly turned my head away. If I stayed in the living room, I felt like I would keep looking at it, so I moved to the relatively safe kitchen. I hesitated whether I could open the refrigerator, but if I had the chance, I wanted to make him breakfast tomorrow.
Because we’re roommates.
It was a very undeserved position for me. That’s why I wanted to do anything I could. If you don’t want me to, I’m confident I won’t even run into you until I leave. If I could be that kind of person to you, like in the tale of the Woodcutter and the Fairy.
Inside the refrigerator, side dishes that seemed to be homemade were neatly arranged. There weren’t many kinds, but it was clear that he had been cooking them with affection. My heart stung. The last white refrigerator I saw came to mind. Empty, with only bottled water inside.
While I wasn’t by your side, you must have been organizing your feelings, too. Preparing to leave someday. This was also a terrible affection, but I didn’t even know it.
Every time I faced my pathetic past self, I wanted to die. I still have the urge to hurt myself, but I haven’t tried since I met Gyeoul again. Because I didn’t want to hurt you, who has so much affection.
“What are you doing?”
I turned my head at the voice coming from behind. Gyeoul, who had washed up and was fluffy, came closer, shaking his head. The clothes he wore earlier must have been comfortable going-out clothes, as he seemed to have changed into pajamas.
White skin was revealed through the gap in his open clothes. I hurriedly turned my gaze back to the refrigerator. My heart was pounding. The thing I had barely calmed down seemed like it was going to rise again.
“I, I was thinking of making breakfast tomorrow.”
“You don’t eat well.”
In the end, I couldn’t calm down and stuttered. Gyeoul asked back with a puzzled look. He came right next to me, took some water, and then moved away. I took a deep breath at the excessively close distance.
The sound of water pouring echoed in the quiet house. My whole body stiffened so much that I wondered if I had ever been this nervous recently. My first long-term relationship experience with one person didn’t actually help with the same person.
I definitely thought I knew you well enough.
‘Why am I so nervous?’
I rubbed the back of my neck and pressed down on my chest. Whether it was because he had washed with warm water and was relaxed, his flushed cheeks, damp hair, and even the subtle scent of shampoo, there was nothing that wasn’t stimulating.
“Just…”
I mumbled. If I said I would make breakfast for you and leave, it would be burdensome. If I didn’t say anything and just did it, he would definitely pass it off nonchalantly. Like the small feelings I had been secretly leaving behind until now.
Gyeoul nodded without any particular questions. He seemed to dismiss it as a kind of whim. Or maybe it was because we were strangers now, so there was no reason to be sensitive to changes.
“Eat the side dishes if you want. But make sure to make new ones and fill them up.”
“…Okay!”
I answered with a happy heart.
I should go grocery shopping on the way home early tomorrow. Although I was going to be living with you, I was planning to do anything I could if it could be of any help to you, even a little. As if that was the meaning of my existence.
I was happy as if I had received permission. I had been given a three-month grace period, so I was planning to do my best during that time. Within the limits that wouldn’t bother you. I had never even entertained the arrogant thought of trying to heal the wounds I had given you.
Just, just…
I just wanted to do anything for you.
“Shall we sleep now? It’s awkward, but not unfamiliar, right?”
Gyeoul playfully nudged my arm. My heart dropped and shattered. The expression I had been barely holding together collapsed with a loud noise. It must have been a face that was hard to even look at.
His face, which had been smiling at me, seemed to stiffen slightly.
“O-okay…”
I barely answered, pretending to be okay. It was definitely too late, but I had to clean up the mess. In this state, I wouldn’t be able to go into the bedroom, let alone the blanket. I felt like my heartbeat was reaching you.
It couldn’t beat any faster than this. I was so nervous that I wanted to run out right away. The avoidance tendencies I had been trying to get rid of were starting to show more and more.
I couldn’t even move, trapped by Gyeoul’s obvious gaze. His clear eyes blinked. His glossy lips stuck together and then separated.
“You remind me of high school. You had that kind of face back then, too.”
Because I loved you back then, too.
My feelings were exposed. Gyeoul hummed a familiar tune and headed to the room. I secretly sighed in relief at his nonchalant reaction. If you had dug any deeper, there was nothing I could have said.
That I had never not loved you. That my love had continued like that. How could I shamelessly say that? I could only hide it, conceal it, and pretend not to know even if I did. Because Gyeoul would want that, too.
“Luckily, there’s an extra pillow. Turn off all the lights and come in. You can use the outlet outside for the charger. I’ll have to buy a power strip tomorrow. When you looked around, was there anything else you needed?”
Gyeoul chattered as he lay down on the bed. I repeated only positive answers like a parrot. If the temperature was still this high, he would have turned on the heater. I watched Gyeoul, who was covering himself with a blanket without turning it on, and opened my mouth.
“Can I turn on the heater? I’ll pay when the bill comes.”
“It’ll be hot. Turn it on if you want.”
Gyeoul answered with a subtle delight. I tried to hide it, but the delight was so obvious that I couldn’t help but burst out laughing. I turned off the lights and checked carefully to see if the door was properly locked. I didn’t know what the security was like here, so I checked more thoroughly.
I belatedly drank a glass of water and plugged my phone into the charger. I had done so many things, but I still couldn’t calm down. I glanced into the room and saw that Gyeoul was yawning, probably because he was tired. He really seemed fine.
There was no more time to waste. If he was sleepy, he should just sleep.
No matter how good an opportunity it was, it was still too much. At this rate, I wouldn’t be able to sleep and would just spend the night like a pervert, as Gyeoul said.
“Yi-tae.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m sleepy, so stop fidgeting outside and come in and lie down.”
He said it in a mumbled tone, laced with sleepiness.
Like a child being inspected for homework, I headed to the bedroom with very slow steps. I hesitated for a long time in front of the threshold and finally took a step. I felt like a wall I had built was collapsing. If I got any closer than this, I wouldn’t be able to bear it.
There was a limit to hiding things. If I crossed that limit, Gyeoul would be bothered.
I lifted the blanket. Even in the darkness, Gyeoul’s eyes shone clearly. As my hands trembled, the rustling sound became louder.
“Are you nervous?”
He said it as if he had seen through my heart. I carefully went inside, hiding my lower body, and my body completely stiffened. I couldn’t even blink and looked at Gyeoul.
Gyeoul was smiling playfully.